X Factor Recap

If only this episode was as exciting as the stage lighting…

Howdy, Gasmii!

I may not have recapped this show in the past couple of weeks – damn those single episode weeks! – but rest assured, I have been keeping a VERY close eye on what’s been going down, both by watching the show and by reading my partner-in-crime IceQueen’s totally excellent coverage. (I also occasionally rifle through the trash bins behind the judges’ homes, but no need to alert the authorities! I AM COMPLETELY HARMLESS!!!)

I’m fairly content with the final 12 – how about you? I for one am relieved that I no longer have to watch on pins and needles as Dexter Haygood slipped closer and closer to a complete mental breakdown. He recently claimed in an interview (which I’m pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to give) that he made less than a grand for his run on the show – $250 for being there, $500 for the live show, and cab fare back to the airport once he was kicked off.  Yowch. But hey, look at it this way – $750 buys a LOT of Everclear and Cup-O-Noodles.

The final twelve performed on Wednesday night, and after opening up the voting to the American public for the first time, we found out who our bottom two acts were on Thursday’s elimination show. Click here for IceQueen’s recap of Wednesday’s performance episode!

The elimination episode began with an overly dramatic voiceover reminding us that ‘toNIGHT, one ACT will leave the comPETItion.’ Who is this mystery guy doing the V.O., by the way?? I’m fairly certain it’s not the same dude who was doing it the night before. This dude sounds like a black guy – most definitely NOT Steve Jones. Is there a reason why Steve can’t do the introduction V.O.? Are the producers afraid we won’t be able to understand his INCREDIBLY THICK accent if we can’t see his lips moving at the same time?

We get a clip of Simon saying that it’s all in America’s hands now. Right. Except the part where the judges and producers get to pick which of the two lowest-scoring acts goes home. Smart move on their part, ensuring there won’t be a repeat of that highly embarrassing Chris Daughtry snafu on season five of American Idol. I for one am glad they’re doing it this way, cuz I trust the judges’ opinions FAR more than America’s. I mean, have you LOOKED at our political scene lately?!? Ridic.

Steve Jones appears, wearing an impeccably fitted suit he stole from Ryan Seacrest’s closet, and proceeds to do his best to make his parents hang their heads in shame:

The X Factor pose, otherwise known as the ‘Happy Hannibal.’

Steve introduces the judges to us, who get a completely un-merited standing ovation for the second time in two nights, set to a crappy cover version of ‘Live and Let Die.’ Seriously? Who needs THIS much attention, praise, and coddling night after night after night??

Oh…right.

So, after we finally finish our contractually obligated drooling over the judges, Steve Jones stands around looking tall and slim, distracting me with his adorably British pronunciation of the word ‘a-GAIN’ while the final 12 prepare for their big group performance. American Idol did a good job of preparing us for just how hideously uncomfortable these awkward group numbers can be, and this show does absolutely nothing to prove it otherwise.

The contestants are singing the David Guetta song ‘Without You’ – but perhaps I should rephrase that, because these kids have CLEARLY just graduated from lip syncing school, where they learned the super-neat-o trick of holding the microphone in front of your lips so that no one can see the minimal effort you are making to actually form the lyrics of the song with your mouth hole.

The fake singing is obvious right from the start, but no one makes it clearer than poor old befuddled weezer Leroy Bell, who doesn’t even have the mic anywhere near his face when his part begins.

Wow, that voice sounds incredibly like mi – uh.  Shit.

Poor Leroy has probably just signed his X Factor death certificate. No one likes to be reminded just how phony this stuff is, especially the producers.

Stacey Francis continues to annoy everyone with her drama, even when only lip syncing. Astro does a great little rap, and yes, he messes up the words – but since he’s the only one actually performing up there, we should probably give him a break. Hey – why WAS he the only one actually using his microphone as anything other than a well-placed prop? Did the producers think it was too hard to fake rap? Because I’m pretty sure rappers do it all the time, just like singers.

This awful circus side-show ends with the contestants doing a very strange ‘look to God’ moment, where they’re all jumping up and down, pointing at the ceiling – except for Josh Krajcik, who looks pretty miserable to be a part of this travesty.

As an audience member, I wouldn’t be pleased with all those backs n butts.

Whew! Done! It’s always painful to watch a non-dancing singer be forced to shuffle-ball-change all over a stage in time with a bunch of overly energetic children. Remember Michael Johns? No? Well, let’s keep fingers crossed that Josh doesn’t go the same route, because Michael couldn’t dance on Idol to save his life, either.

Steve Jones is back to tell us that we can download that song (or last night’s songs – hooRAY!!) by going to thexfactorusa.com – really, guys? No iTunes? This show truly is the Bizarro American Idol – all of their sponsors and shit are, like, EXACTLY the same – only the bizarro, sort of crappier version. Like American Idol has Coke, so X Factor has Pepsi…Idol has iTunes, Factor has this website…Idol has AT&T, Factor has Verizon…Idol has Oreos, Factor has those crappy flavorless rip-off Hydrox cookies. OK, OK, so I made up that last one. Also, did you know that Hydrox actually came first, and that OREOS are technically the rip-off version? Too bad they’re so much better. Whenever someone has the gall to serve Hydrox cookies at a party, I just give them a withering glare before wordlessly turning my back, ending all pretense of friendship right then and there.

Now I’m craving chocolate, damn it. Back to the show! We’re getting our standard round of clips from the previous night’s performances, reminding us that the Stereo Hogzz did a fancy version of Janet Jackson’s ‘Rhythm Nation.’

Accompanied by Master Chief from Halo, of COURSE.

We also get a glimpse of Chris Rene’s performance of the Carpenters’ song ‘Superstar.’ Really, L.A.? You made Chris sing a CARPENTERS song?!?

We’ve Only Just Begun…to kill off our contestants in a fiery blaze.

The sound mixers must have REALLY cleaned up this clip since yesterday, because I remember it being much more difficult to hear and much less in-tune. But I like Chris, so I’m okay with the cheat.

Then there was poor octogenarian (that’s basically right, right? Right.) Leroy Bell.

Who was given the unfortunate background of falling stars.

I’m hoping that’s not a thinly veiled suggestion from the producers, but I’ve gotta admit that as much as I like Leroy, I’m kinda ready for him to skedaddle. Rachel Crow was next, who Nicole compared to Michael Jackson. Of course, we all know how THAT story ended, so let’s hope she’s very, very wrong.

Lakoda Rayne was the next contestant to come on down…

Uh…weren’t there FOUR girls in this group?

Seriously – the camera stayed on these three Barbies for so long, I could only imagine the poor little brunette standing off to the side, waving her hands and shouting, ‘hey guys! I’m over here, guys! Guys!!’ As a fellow brunette, I know all too well how frustrating it can be when all the misguided attention in the room is focused on the hoity-toity talent-less blonde bimbo(s) next to you. Poor little Juno deserves better than to be stuck with these pageant queens in this rainbow-clad girl group from hell.

My personal favorite Josh Krajcik went next…

…looking like he was auditioning for a Meatloaf video.

You all know the one I’m talking about, the one about hosing a chick down with holy water when she gets too hot. C’mon. It was one of a string of overly dramatic music videos released in the mid ’90s that included the ridiculous ‘It’s All Coming Back to Me Now’ by Celine Dion. Which, I have found out through my VERY in-depth research, was actually SUPPOSED to be a Meatloaf song, but the writer thought it had more of a ‘woman’s voice,’ and so he went to court to ban The Loaf from recording it, thereby giving the song to Celine. Who went on to make a music video which was basically an exact duplicate of poor Loaf’s ‘I’d Do Anything for Love.’

Ok, sorry for the history lesson in Total Crap. Next up was Melanie Amaro, who we see chatting with her mom backstage before performing. I guess when she talks to her mom she speaks in a heavy accent that requires subtitling. This seems very odd to me.

I thought ‘home’ was Florida, so what’s with the accent??

The next performer highlighted is Astro, who can keep covering ’90s rap music for the rest of all time, as far as I care – I love that shit. Thank god they’re not forcing him to do total crud like ‘Parents Just Don’t Understand,’ cuz this kid can handle the more adult stuff, fo sho. After Astro is InTENsity, and I’m reminded again just how much I don’t like that Emily girl.  I feel like a really horrible human being, to admit that I’m bothered by the existence of a young, innocent teenage girl, but she sticks out like a sore thumb to me and I really loathe every time I’m forced to look at her stupid face. Sorry. I really am sorry. I hope she doesn’t read silly recaps.

Drew is up after InTENsity, and man oh man, did I LOVE her performance. I thought it was really stellar – I just wish someone would tell her not to dance, or whatever that weird spastic movement is that she insists upon doing every now and then. She’s gonna have to work on her choreography if she wants to do that big duet with the Biebs that the producers have been planning since her first audition.

Marcus ‘Bobby Brown’ Canty did justice to ‘Every Little Step I Take,’ and he was followed by Stacey Francis, everyone’s favorite Contestant To Hate On.

Oh wait, maybe THIS is the Meatloaf video.

A quick commercial break, and we’re back just in time to see something crawling up Steve Jones’ pant leg.

…what the F.

I really hope Steve’s okay, or that he at least has that looked at. He reminds us that the winner of this fiasco will get a big Pepsi commercial, and all of the remaining acts have a chance to tell us how totally stoked they would be to star in a Pepsi ad, because as Drew says, ‘not just ANYBODY gets to be on a Pepsi commercial!!!’

No, Drew, it’s pretty much anybody.

The contestants are all so overly effusive in their excitement about being on the show that I can’t help but wonder if this is the producers’ way to do damage control for that previously mentioned Dexter Haygood interview, in which he said that he didn’t want to be on the show anymore because they didn’t get him as an artist and kept forcing him to do stuff he wasn’t comfortable doing. I think they want us to be absolutely SURE that these remaining 12 acts really, really REALLY want to be here.

Lakoda Rayne says they can make it rain Pepsi, and they all say it together in a really creepy tandem voice.

Even the sad sack brunette gets to play!

So apparently all of their rehearsing to sing in perfect harmony has instead resulted in them speaking as one individual being. One single, horrible being who RILLY LUVS shopping, boys, and cheap peroxide.

It’s time for our big musical guest of the evening!!  Everyone please join me in welcoming…Outasight!  Wait. Outasight?!? Who the hell is Outasight??? Steve says they’re currently featured in a Pepsi ad, and as soon as I hear the opening strains of their song ‘Tonight is the Night’ I realize that it’s the backing piece for that damn Pepsi history ad they air a zillion times throughout this show. So now I give you, ladies and gents, Outasight.

Which apparently is a code name for Colin Hanks.

They’ve given this guy like 803 back-up dancers to cover up the fact that this song consists of about 12 words sung over and over again. As I watch this somehow fascinating explosion, I can’t help but think that when I heard that Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane put out a music album, I had no idea that THIS is what it sounded like.

Steve Jones says the performance was ‘wonderful, wonderful stuff,’ in a way that lets us know he has absolutely zero interest in and/or knowledge of what just happened on stage. He tells us it’s time to get to the serious stuff, which is good since we’re already halfway through the show. RIDIC.

After a commercial break, we get to the serious stuff…of more filler. All of the contestants tell us ONCE AGAIN how much this all means to them, how much they want to be there, how they keep a can of Pepsi on their bedside table at night to watch over their dreams of musical stardom.

Now it’s time for the 12 acts to enter the stage to prepare for the first America-induced (sort of) elimination. They make the judges…ahem, excuse me – the MENTORS…stand on stage with their proteges, and I must say, it looks all kinds of awkward. But I laugh out loud when the final category is called, because the Over 30′s aren’t even required to walk across the stage like the other peeps – they just take a couple of shuffling steps past the sliding wall-doors and stop. Wouldn’t want anybody to break a hip or anything.

Can’t we call the Scooter Store or something?

Steve tells us it’s time for him to tell us which acts are safe, in NO PARTICULAR ORDER. Anytime a show says something like that, I know the producers are trying to find sneaky psychological ways to influence the audience votes – like putting Josh and Melanie toward the back of the pack to make us THINK they got fewer votes, in order to keep us voting for them like crazy.  It’s MAD SMART, YO!!

Anyway. First up to safety is Marcus Canty.

Marcus and his Miami Vice jacket are both very pleased.

The second contestant to safety is Drew. Who, by the way, I would have a LOT more respect for if, when deciding to go by just one name, she went with her LAST name instead of her first.  “Let’s hear it for RYNIEWICZ, everyone!!” It just has a certain ring to it.

Leroy Bell is the next safe contestant, and all of the judges have trouble hiding their shock. C’mon – we ALL thought he would be in the bottom two, right? I mean, he’s great, but he’s sorta boring.

Definitely a face full of disbelief.

There’s a weird little stutter in the show, and it seems to be that Leroy must have said, ‘oh, shit!’ because you can just hear the ‘sh’ sound before the glitch occurs. Even HE is surprised that he made it to next week.

Astro makes it through next, and absolutely no one is surprised. He’s followed by Lakoda Rayne, and L.A. can very clearly be seen mouthing the word ‘WOW.’

Not so good at hiding emotions, this one.

Even though this week was the first time I could even watch Lakoda Rayne without miming vomiting into my popcorn bowl, I’m still surprised they’re not in the bottom. I’m starting to get a little nervous for some of my faves…

Rachel Crow gets a pass and screams in excitement, which makes Simon laugh and hug her.  It’s really strange to see Simon acting like a normal human being. He should be forced to work with children more often. Chris Rene also goes through, followed by Josh Krajcik, thank GOD.

They keep showing shots of Melanie Amaro looking really worried – and so does Simon, for that matter.

Or at least, his Madame Tussauds wax figurine looks worried.

In those profile shots, you can really see the effects of all of that plastic surgery working out Simon’s been doing since he’s been off Idol and out of the spotlight.

Luckily, Melanie Amaro is through next, so she and Simon can both stop looking so nervous and Simon can avoid popping any trans-dermal stitches he still has in his jaw. Now we’re down to three acts – two of Paula’s groups, the Stereo Hogzz and InTENsity, and Nicole’s golden oldie Stacey Francis. If it were up to me, InTENsity would be the safe bet…

…only it’s clearly NOT up to me, because GD Stacey Francis is safe!!!  Oh man…can we PLEASE see the last of this woman already??  Next week, maybe? If I’m a really good girl? Sigh.

So the two acts with the lowest number of votes are InTENsity and Stereo Hogzz. Poor Paula…she drew the short straw right from the start, but this has gotta sting a bit. The two groups have to sing for survival, and Stereo Hogzz are up first.

And their lead singer is dressed like a nerd going to Prom in 1953.

They sing ‘Emotion’ by Destiny’s Child, and while I’m fairly certain the lead nerd is actually singing, it seems that the rest of the group is just lip syncing, because at one point it’s clear that their harmonies are being sung but the microphones are nowhere near their faces.  Oops!  They just pulled a Leroy!

That really pisses me off, especially considering it’s fairly obvious that InTENsity is most definitely singing live, as evidenced by their horrible off-key performance of Kelly Clarkson’s ‘My Life Would Suck Without You.’ Ellona sounds a’ight, but I’m sort of tired of this being ‘Ellona featuring Intensity.’ Meanwhile, little Ma’at seems to have fallen asleep with her eyes open – these poor tykes must be exhausted!

Quick, someone shake Ma’at awake!

There is one boy in the group who is warbling way, WAY off key, and it’s really throwing off this entire performance. And once Austin begins his solo, we immediately see who the mystery pooper was.

And I was rooting for you, too!

Well, at least now Emily isn’t the ONLY reason InTENsity was unlucky to be saddled with AUSEM. Wacka wacka!!! Oh these poor kids…it’s probably good they’re gonna get kicked off this show, because the emotional scarring they must be enduring every week from assholes like me is pure evil.

Almost as evil as Emily. PLEASE, MAKE US BOTH STOP!!

Both groups were pretty lackluster overall, and now it’s time for the judges to vote to decide which act gets sent home. Simon, surprisingly enough, picks Stereo Hogzz to leave, even though he gave them effusive praise the night before, telling them they were better than any group currently on the market and that he WISHED he was their mentor. Hrmph. This entire show feels very, very rigged to me – it always has. Didn’t anyone else get the strong feeling last week, when they kicked off five people, that those contestants knew in advance that they were getting the boot?  Feels the same to me this week – I don’t buy that the judges are making this decision off the cuff. They knew all along who they would have to choose between, and which one they would pick.

Paula’s next, and after much internal strife she picks InTENsity to pack it in.

Those are the faces of children who will never trust again.

Oh man. They are KILLING me with those tear-streaked grimaces. Paula must have a heart of pure, cold stone. Have you ever made the difficult decision to have a beloved pet put down? Well, guess what – THAT is the face they made as you were handing them over to the vet for their ‘booster shot.’

Nicole also picks InTENsity, and I can hear child psychologists all over Los Angeles rushing to their cell phones. Now it’s all down to L.A. Reid…if he also chooses InTENsity, they’ll be done, but if he chooses the Stereo Hogzz, the group with the least number of audience votes will go (we don’t know which one that is, but I’m betting it’s the Hogzzzzzzzz).

In case you’ve forgotten, little Ma’at of InTENsity is all of 12 years old, and she can’t handle this pressure.

Oh my GOD can someone please HUG THAT GIRL!!!

(Not you, though, Emily. Suck it up like the 14 year old you are.)

L.A. picks InTENsity to go home, and the stage gets washed away by the countless tears of these poor unwanted moppets. I feel really bad for them, but I guess it’s probably for the best that they get sent packing earlier rather than later, when it’s sure to be even more emotional.

We’d like a moment to say good-bye to these little ones, but they are being overwhelmed by hugs from the much taller Stereo Hogzz, and then Steve Jones quickly tells us that ‘InTENsity is inconsolable – take care bye bye!’

I cannot BELIEVE they just ended the show like that. Steve Jones has to be the WORST host on television – sure, he makes everyone realize that Ryan Seacrest actually has – gulp – talent…but this dude is SO stiff and unlikable, he actually makes me miss Brian Dunkleman.

Wait. I was terribly wrong.

Well, that’s it, folks! Are you happy with the decisions? What about the song choices? Which judge do you think is making the best picks for their contestants? I’m out on vacation next week, but I’ll see you the following week – and in the meantime, if you wanna catch up on IceQueen’s recap of last week’s episode, click here…or if you wanna read my last recap, you can check it out here.  See ya!