****Please welcome our newest capper, Tmurda!
Yo yo, what’s goin on gasms? I’m a brand spankin new recapper, and was lucky enough to be assigned the skanktastic second season of ”You’re Cut Off!” (the exclamation point at the end really irritates me). I did watch a lot of season 1 with my ex, and we pretty much pointed and laughed the whole time. I’m about to introduce the new chicks, having referenced online bios. The site on which I found the bios will remain nameless, but for real ya’ll, whoever wrote them is either 6yrs old, dyslexic, or asian, cause the grammar? SO. BAD. So, i’m gonna include some exact quotes from them so you can be annoyed/confused along with me. Ok. Ya’ll ready? Here they are.
First up is Jessica, 23 from Lauderdale-By-the-Sea, FLA
Uh, is there really a city called that? If so, i’d move away just to escape having to write that shit out whenever asked for my address. Either way, it sounds like a magical place. Oh wait, I guess that even though she is a Palm Beach socialite (ooookaaaay), she’s actually from the Jersey Shore. How does THAT happen? Nevermind, they’re just warning us that she’s super obnoxious and probably the biggest skank. Got it. Apparently she spends $20,000 on dresses (clearly not the one she’s wearing cause I saw it at Belk over x-mas break). We’re told she “has no experience about cooking, cleaning, etc”. I have no clue what “experience ABOUT” something is exactly, but I don’t cook either. Ramen, Totino’s pizza rolls, salad, that’s it. She buys a lot of shit and blah blah blah. So much stuff that she’s made a spare room into an extra closet/boutique. Anyone impressed? Me neither.
Next is Lauren, 25 from Nashville, TN
First Lady of Jack Schitt
I lived/partied/bartended in Nashville from 2003-2009 and iv’e never heard of her. She actually looks pretty to me. She was Miss Teen Tennessee 2006, and competed (and clearly lost) in Miss USA 2006. That’s code for Top Skank (sorry Jersey Jess), and she’s probably the dirtiest one, as well. Pageant girls are wild as hell, as we’ve learned through the media. This one will inevetably show up in her crown, and one of the other girls will inevetably break it into 1,000 pieces for her at some point (hopefully on move-in day). She’s a self proclaimed HBBQ: Has Been Beauty Queen. Her parents must be so proud. Oh, and one more thing- she has the dream of being the wife of a president one day. Who wants to bet that she wouldn’t be able to name 6 presidents?
Now we have Nadia, 21 years old from Katy, TX
I hate when girls do that straight, flat-ironed front pieces with the rest of the hair curley thing. Make up your mind, please. And she’s wearing a Mardi Gras dress. She spends all of her time at the chain of high-end spas her family owns. Is there something wrong with that? I’d do the same thing, so thumbs up. But she also claims them as her own, so thumbs down. She doesn’t seem half bad, I guess. She also “spend her time doing party at night”. Ok, mystery solved- the bio writer IS asian. And she’s 21, so duh on the partying.
It’s time to meet Aimee (I HATE when it’s spelled that way), 27 (yay me too) from Houston, TX
Parents were NOT hooked on phonics
Sooooooo, she and Nadia will probably have some sort of pointless Texas state face-off during the season, i’m guessing. Amy’s (I refuse to spell it the other way) motto is “Do not do for yourself what others can do for you”. LOL. I might like her, despite her Body Shop clearance rack get-up. That usually means that she will end up being the one I hate the most. She demands a trip every few months, and blah blah…Yawn.
Here’s Shakyra (seriously, my head’s gonna explode), 25 from Brooklyn, NY
Naturally, this one will spend the entire season in everyone’s faces yelling “I’m from Brooklyn, Bitch! You don’t wanna fuck wit Brooklyn!”. And, no- I don’t want to fuck with Brooklyn. One against 2.5 million? Those are pretty shitty odds, don’tyathink? But Shakyra? Oh, i’d walk her like a dog. Anyhoo, she starts every day conversing with herself in the mirror. Um, what’s the problem? A million years ago when I worked at Coyote Ugly, i’d go in the bathroom and give my tits a pep talk before each shift. It would go something like this: “Ok, Mary Kate and Ashley (MK is the right one, Ash is the left cause it’s smaller), mama’s gotta pay rent on Tuesday, so let’s DO this!….”. NVM. Her friends call her “Vanity”, and I will too, cause it’s waaay better than Shakyra with a “Y”. Her BF spends all his $ on her, buying her clothes and vaycays and blah friggin blah. So, are her parents cutting her off, or her BF? Hopefully both.
Oh, hell. This is Jenn, 28 from West Hollywood, CA
Voice For Radio fa sho
I’m kinda diggin’ her dress, but holy shit, her face is horrendous. Guess why, guys? Because “She spends most of her time poolside, at her plastic surgeon’s office, and to tan a skin”. I SWEAR TO GOD that’s EXACTLY what the bio says. Well, she must just be blowin’ the surgeon for free, cause she’s busted as fuck, and has clearly not had any work done, besides her ginormous tatas. Seriously guys. LOOK at her scowl. Ok. I can’t look at her anymore. Soooo, heeerrrrrre’s……………………………….
MARCEY! (that’s the fattest name ive ever heard LOL), 26 from Buena Park, CA
Grenade and a Half
I’m praying to GOD that she is awful enough for me to crack on her about her weight all season without looking like an asshole. PLEASE GOD! She calls herself a “Plus-Size Princess” (eew, shut up). She spends her time shopping, shouting at others such as her trainer (that’s just too easy), and counting her Louis Vittons. PEOPLE! STOP IT with the Louis’!!! People who use that as a claim to being rich are the one’s who aren’t rich. I’m not impressed that your handbag cost you more than my car is worth, and it just proves you’re a fool, for Christ’s sake. Phew. She hangs out at home with her parents, eating her feelings. Ok, I made the last part up.
Last but not least (God damn, there are 8 of em?) is Hana, 28 from Hollywood, CA
Cumdumpster #8, bringing in the rear (LOL)
This one’s face is pretty cute, but she’s either preggars, or is also plus-sized. And just like the others, her parents can’t spell. Hana’s life is supported by her beautiful family and friends. Ha ha, J/K. It’s supported by assistants, stylists (obviously not on the day of this photo shoot), drivers, and bodyguards. She’s an LA socialite, just like the other 250,000 people that live there. Rich family, VIP treatment,……..zzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz…
Alright, so whaddya think, Gasmheads? Any predictions? Who agrees that Biggin’ will be called a fatass at least 4x before the first commercial break of episode 1? And Vanity will yell “I’m from Brooklyn, bitch!” by commercial break #2? Which girl will be the first to say “If you have something to say, say it to my face!” ? All I really know is that the ones i’m initially repulsed by on these shows somehow end up being the one’s who are actually not so bad, and vice-versa. The loserfest begins Monday, Jan 10th, and I can’t wait to recap it for ya!