It’s a beautiful new day at the Middle Class Ranch House. Jacqueline is basking in the glory of the VIP suite.
Very important people pee like dogs on their bed, right?
I look like I’m in my forties, but dammit I have a giant room!!
Jessica, Gia and Chrissy are super bitter that they have to bunk in the crowded dorm rooms.
No one said you had to sleep straddling each other. You’re making this much worse than it has to be. And grosser. Way grosser.
Leanne and Erica make like monkeys and bond by picking at each other’s hair [extensions.]
Like playing with a sad, forgotten, aged Barbie with boob sag.
Leanne reveals that she paid almost TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS for that hideous weave. The good news is that she apparently recognizes how awful it is, because she sued him and he paid it all back to her.
You should ask for double. That’s seriously bad.
Here is a word to the wise: I know a thing or two about hair extensions. She apparently got TRACKS, not individual strand to strand extensions. Weaves are not meant for white girls, with fine hair. Weaves are for coarser hair. She should have got the strand by strand extension. And she could have got it done for WAY less, like a grand. OMG!
Erica’s astrologer told her that she would make some good friends here, but Erica wasn’t sure. She tells us that she was pleasantly surprised to have made such a good friend in Leanne. Hmmm…… do I smell some foreshadowing? Will they have a blow out fight later? Or is this the beginning of a beautiful friendship??
Like Old Yeller.
Meanwhile, Jacqueline, the VIP, finds a VIP note for her and calls all the girls to the kitchen to assign chores. Gia, Chrissy and Jess refuse to get out of bed and meet at the chore summit.
What do you guys think of the McCrystal debacle?
Jacqueline goes ahead and holds the meeting without the three of them and assigns the chores.
I feel terrible for whoever gets the dreaded “Read a Book” chore.
Finally some strife over who will do which chore. Although it wasn’t actually THAT dramatic. Amber said she didn’t want to mop. And Pam was wise to get the other non-gross chore: make the beds.
Roll Useless Tool Around Backyard Bar
Erica “mows” the lawn…. but that does NOT look like a lawnmower… it looks like a seeder. What? She reasons she is getting good exercise, so it’s worth it.
Jessica, who slept in, gets assigned garbage and Gia, who slept in, gets assigned scrubbing toilets. Since Gia’s hands were not made for doing chores or any work, she refuses to do her chores.That’s the best you’ve looked this season.
Chrissy is assigned mopping… but chooses to get ready over doing chores.
Jesus. Are you filling pot holes?
Jessica, Gia and Leanne hang out in the living room and talk trash about Erica.
You guys, you can’t be in the military and just diss the President like that. I’m glad Obama booted his insubordinate ass. Now we can get back to focusing on Cap and Trade!
Erica walks in on it and is pissed that Leanne isn’t defending her honor. She demands that Leanne give her tiara back. Leanne obliges.
The fight then moves back to the bedrooms…. there is some debate over whose room is whose. Jessica tells Erica to get a “loMbotomy” because she needs a new brain. Jessica, I think you mean Lobotomy. You’re welcome.Lambada me! Dance off!
Erica says she is already smart enough because she is in law school. Jacqueline breaks it up and the girls pile into the mini vans to go to their first challenge.
No one said getting out of a car was easy.
They meet in some warehouse and are introduced to Sam, the celebrity stylist. He inquires about the girls’ looks.
I get being afraid of wrinkles, but some lines on your face are ok. They mean you’re ALIVE. Lay off the doctor visits!
Amber says that she spends approximately seventy thousand dollars a year on clothing, etc. And she loves Gucci.
Horizontal stripes, pleather jacket, and plastic bag. None of those things are good for the planet. Especially horizontal stripes.
Gia is not impressed, because she spends about three thousand dollars a WEEK on clothes. Erica in turn is not impressed with Gia, because she can spend up to TEN thousand dollars a week on clothes, because there is nothing she hates more than cheap clothes.
Riiiiiight. How much was that fake ass fur thing on your neck? You just stopped on the side of the road and picked up a dead fake rabbit.
Now it’s Leanne’s turn to be unimpressed with Erica and her three thousand dollar Alexander McQueen purse. Leanne has a much smaller clutch that was two thousand, so that’s even LESS leather per dollar, so Leanne wins.
Sam can barely pull Chrissy away from her compact long enough to get her to model her clothes and brag about the brands. Same goes for Leanne.
All right. Listen, I DO like brand names. I love nice purses and I’m with Erica, that I like expensive clothes too. But somewhere, something went wrong with these rich girls. They do NOT look rich. They are rich, but very trashy. They look completely fake and over-done. With all their money, why can’t they get their hair and make up cute? That’s what I don’t get. I guess Countess Luanne was right: money can’t buy you class.
On to the challenge: can they REALLY decipher what is expensive and what isn’t?
Fug comes in every price range.
First they have to guess which outfit cost $500 and which cost $50.
You’re right! Both glasses are filled with cat pee. Sucker!
FAIL. Next is champagne. One bottle is $195 and one is $35. Sam says that they all got chumped since they liked the cheap stuff better.
Bring in the diamonds/cubic zirconium.
What’s the first letter in the word America?
This is Erica’s specialty. One is $9000 and one $15. Psycho music plays in the background and it’s revealed that Erica was WRONG and choose the CZ. She HORRIFIED and disappointed in herself that she was unable to choose the correct diamond.
Time for some patte. GROSS! One cost $40 and one cost $2. Either way, it’s still liver mush and liver mush is gross! I think Gia felt the same way, because it looked like she didn’t eat either of them.
Anyway, they all voted for the pureed hotdog over the expensive patte. They can’t have anything nice.
You’re all morons.
On to the next challenge: SHOPPING!
…. on a three hundred dollar budget at a gross discount store.
They have to create three looks and one for their hot, male models.
Pam, Erica and Amber are on team one.
Chrissy, Leanne and Jacqueline are on team two.
Gia, Courtnee and Jessica are on team three.
They pile into the mini vans and head to the gross thrift store.
Well… look where they land: Crossroads Trading Company, which sells recycled crotches.
I am here to tell y’all about Crossroads Trading Company. I myself have been there and cannot STAND that place!!! They are EXTREMELY snotty and stuck up. I tried to sell them some cute boots, and was RUDELY rejected twice! They told me “Eww… we usually only sell HIGH END BRAND NAME boots.” Lies!!! I spotted crap-tastic GAP merchandise on their shelves. They were just super snotty and these spoiled rich girls are right: the stuff they sell in there IS used nasty crap and that store DOES have a rancid odor!
Furthermore, it’s not a thrift store, it’s a CONSIGNMENT shop. The difference is that their clothes are NOT donated… it’s old, used crap that people SELL to them.
Just a gross store on many levels all around. I really felt BAD for the Cut Off Girls. Haha, just kidding… I don’t feel bad for them. But I DO hate Crossroads Trading Company. They have messed with the wrong recapper!!!
As Chrissy says, “regular people who buy this crap realize it’s ugly and bring it to the thrift store.”
Back at the sound stage, it’s Fashion Show Time!
The Judges: Perez Hilton, some fashion consultant or something, and Sam, the celebrity stylist we met earlier.
The beaver was free, I presume.
Team One thought it would be a good idea to invent multi-use outfits…. ??? You can wear them to work, then take off your tights, flash everyone, and be ready for going out at night! Pam also does an onstage strip tease. And bring out the male model: Michael. He just has to take his jacket off.
Team Two: Jacqueline models the first unremarkable outfit. Chrissy models some lumberjack attire. And their male model is also standard. They had seventeen dollars left over after all these outfits, and Leann has really learned that you CAN buy something with that.
Unfortunately, not pride.
Team Three: Courtnee, who is very pretty. Makes Gia look even worse. And their male model: standard.
Now time for the review. The judges liked Team One’s effort to make multi-use outfits. No one was impressed with Team Two. Perez called them cheap. Sam called them Boyle Heights Barbie. Team Three: generally positive reviews.
Team Three wins the challenge. But what did they win?? No free massages this week. Gia wasn’t expecting to learn anything in this whole experience, but as it turns out – she did. So, I guess that’s something? I think I’d rather get a massage than a lesson.
They head back to the Middle Class Ranch House…..
Kicking off the drama, Drunken, Rage-a-holic Jessica falls on her ass and spills her wine everywhere. Erica says that she hates trashy people.
This somehow segues into a we-all-hate Erica fest. Leanne makes fun of Erica for having a bat-mitzvah for her dog. Erica can NOT believe that Leanne keeps betraying her today.
It’s like I’m Jesus and she’s Judelaw.
Erica tells Leanne that she is fat and needs Botox. Well yeah, Erica. When you go around saying that kind of stuff, yeah, everyone in the house is going to hate you.
The trouble with saying things to make people disagree with you and tell you you don’t need to lose weight and don’t need botox is, they might not disagree with you.
The next morning, Erica is afraid to get out of bed, because people will say mean things to her. She can NOT understand why she is always in the middle of all the drama?? WHAT is she doing wrong?
I don’t have time to write it all down.
Jacqueline, the VIP gets another note from Life Coach Laura. She is really hoping that it will reveal the BEST news… but instead, it is the WORST news she has EVER gotten in her ENTIRE life.
Sorry to have to tell you this, but we got your test results back and you do, in fact, have cooties.
Due to Chrissy, Gia and Jess not doing their chores, their household budget for the week has been lowered to $125. Jacqueline now has to go back to the creepy grocery store, Hows.
Despite not doing her chores, Jess still is selected to go to the G-store with Jacqueline and Pamela.
There they are shocked by the concept of coupons and budgets. Jess fumes that she will now have “the runs” for months, due to this crappy food.
Well, consider it a diet.
Meanwhile, back at the MCRH, Erica decides that she wants to apologize to Leanne for calling her fat the night before.
I’m sorry you’re so fat.
She reveals that attacking people’s looks is the equivalent of the “fight or flight” syndrome for her. Most people, when threatened, feel the need to either fight back or take flight and get the hell out of there. When Erica, the daughter of a plastic surgeon, feels threatened, she feels the need to attack people’s looks.
Leanne reveals that she had an eating disorder back in the day. Does Erica even KNOW what it’s like?? To be frail?? Thin?? Sick?? It is the WORST thing for you and your family and those who love you.
Ok fine. You’re not fat. You’re thick. Better?
Erica, not to be outdone, counters that she too was bulimic in college.
Leanne is the bigger person takes the high road and forgives Erica, because she figures Erica just doesn’t know any better.
Life Coach Laura shows up at the MCRH and calls a summit.
Sam will divulge his opinions on who learned their lesson and who is still a spoiled bitch. Leanne started out cold and aloof, but by EOD (that’s a business term meaning: End Of Day) Leanne had learned some lessons. Chrissy did NOT learn any lessons, she just looked into her compact all day long.
Chrissy calls him a hater.
On to the personal attacks. LCL mentions there have been quite a few this week. Erica again brings up her reasons for personal attacks: she is insecure about her own personal appearance.
Jessica too puts a positive spin on her personal attacks. She is a very protective person— so when she goes on a personal attack, it’s because she is protecting the people around her that she cares about.
Gia ALSO can make her personal attacks into a positive. It’s because she misses her daughter. And to make things even MORE positive, Life Coach Laura points out that Gia missing her daughter is a sign of how much personal growth she has achieved since the first week.
The other girls all reveal that they now respect Gia more because she is willing to change her daughter’s diapers.
Girls on track to graduate this week: Leanne, Amber, Jacqueline, Courtnee, Pam, Gia (bc of the daughter-thing, even though she didn’t do chores)
Girls NOT on track to graduate this week: Chrissy (bc of her attitude), Erica (bc of all the personal attacks in the house), Jessica (attitude/rage issues)
VIP (Very Improved Princess) of the week: Leanne (obviously)… but it seems like that’s more of a curse than a blessing because you are responsible for making sure all the chores get done.
NEXT WEEK: They have to prepare their resumes and get real jobs!!
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