FINALE TIME!!! Whoop whoop! We are finally coming to the end of this journey ‘o’ whining, and did the girls learn anything? Hell to the no. But let’s go ahead and see what the end means for these gutter-butt low-lifes anyway, shall we?
Montage of what we’ve seen. Montage of what we’re gonna see. This week brings A LOT of crying, so i’m in.
After last eval, the girls arrive back at the house. Of course, since she’s a sweetie pie, Lauren decides to share her VIP accomodations/treats with the rest of the girls.
I’m gonna puke. Yay, a champange toast. What are they celebrating exactly? The fact that they are about to go home? The fact that they won’t have to see Razorjaw’s razorjaw anymore? The fact that they’re all assholes? Your guess is as good as mine.
Over Moet and chicken wings, the girls are extremely puzzled as to what their last challenge will be. Ummmm……let’s see here. Razorjaw just told you that your parents are coming and she will discuss, with your parents, if you will remain cut off. OH! AND the last challenge of the previous season was the “Ultimatum Package” offered to each girl by her parents, and whether or not she was willing to agree to it. Am I missing something? They all collectively decide together that their last challenge will be Razorjaw’s “meeting/overall eval” with their parents to decide if they will remain cut off, and their parents giving them ultimatums. Good job, Dickheads. Also, BB says “My MOM should be cut off!”
From what, exactly?
From giving birth? From buying you tank tops? From letting you eat? All of the above. Buzzkill suggests that they all run out of the house, lock the door behind them, and yell at their parents “YOU”RE CUT OFF!!!”. Whaaaaa? They all happen to think this is hilllaarrrrrious! I beg to differ. Moving right along.
Later that night…
Oh, Jesus Christ. Here we go with the motherfucking letters.
The motherfucking letter basically says that they will get to enjoy a “night out on the town”. Reactions?
I’m actually having a similar reaction, because i’m pretty sure this will involve either a surprise test/challenge, or at least the embarrassment/humiliation of one or two of these chicks. Nads starts doing an obnoxious dance singing “Drinks. Drinks. Drinks.” Case and point. Let’s see what happens.
So far, Nads is wearing her Mardi Gras dress again, and Jess makes a lovely toast to “making it through this alive” or some shit.
This can only go downhill, right? RIGHT!?!
Conversation about how they all felt when they heard they were “Cut off”. Collective “PISSED!” Yawn. New Hoe tries to go the positive route saying that meeting people from all walks of life taught them all that their are other people on this earth. How, uh, sweet? Snitch decides this is the perfect time to bring up some of New Hoe’s past comments. Flashback of eval when New Hoe said “A Harvard grad aint gonna hang out widda high school drop out”. YESSSS! Argueing ensues. Suh-Weet! Basically, New Hoe says that she’s never been around a person who dropped out of high school who did anything with their life. She also says “I’m used to hanging out with people who are on my level. People who are shiek, and fashion foreward”.
There’s a lot of “I disagree…..I know people who are rich who didn’t graduate high school…..you think you’re better than everyone…blah blah blah BS”. I’m not sure who’s saying what, and I don’t care, cuz this is lame as hell. Snitch tells New Hoe that she knows people who aren’t on New Hoe’s “level” (yes, she did the ‘finger quotes’) who she could learn a lot from. Um, isn’t that EXACTLY what New Hoe said right before Snitch brought up some old shit? I swear, argueing between these dumbfucks is ALWAYS soooo unsatisfying due to the simple fact that they are so inarticulate and idiotic that they literally can’t hold an effective conversation. I’m over it.
Back at the house. There’s another letter (insert groan here). They all gather to read it.
“You’re Cut Off! : The Maturnity Years”
The letter says that their final challenge is to learn to find/buy clothes that fit. Dammit, i’m lying. It actually says that the “loved ones” will be arriving tomorrow, so there is a lot to get done. Buzzkill, Jess, and New Hoe will be deciding on a menu, and cooking. Nads, Snitch, and BB are in charge of cleaning the house and decor. (Haha-bitchwork). BB says “I can’t believe I have to do this”. I can, and it’s awesome. There’s talk about putting all the luggage away, then bitching about someone needing a mussle, and i’m all for it. Commercial break.
Next morning. BB is taking charge, telling Buzzkill to have her coffee and cereal and get her shower THEN cook, so the bathroom can get cleaned. Oh, and Snitch needs to be wearing a thong.
Hey BB. Can you get Buzz to brush her hair
while you’re at it? Puh-leeez!?
Buzzkill just yawns and says no. Next, BB decides to vaccuum, and Buzz, being the mature young lady she is, is right there to be of some assistance fuck BB’s world up.
New Hoe def aint gonna hang out wid you
Razorjaw tells us that she’s asked each girl to write a letter to their parents about what they’ve learned and why they should graduate.
Now the girls have to write letters? This has gone way too far.
OMIGOD, GASMI!!! I have a FAB idea. We should make our own list of what we have learned from this show! I’ll start- 1) Rich people are shitty parents. Your turn! I want each of you to list one thing in your comments that you have learned from this show. Ooooh…this will be fun. Yipee!
Back to the borefest. Nads walks up to the table and asks “Are you guys writing your letter?”
No, Nads. They are playing musical chairs. But you’re not invited. Sorry. Jeez. Razorjaw is simultaneously meeting with the girls’ parents. It’s boring, so imma break it down for ya.
Meeting with “Gigi” (BB’s enabeler mom)-
Razorjaw tells her that BB likes to be in charge, Gigi isn’t surprised. Raz tells her that BB worked in a fast food restaurant, Gigi isn’t pleased. Raz asks Gigi if she wants BB to be independent, Gigi says yes. Whaaa? NVM.
Lauren’s enabeler dad, Mike-
Raz says Lauren needs acceptance, and Mike nods. Raz reminds Mike that Lauren went to college for 6 yrs and has an interior design degree that she doesn’t use (for real?), and Mike nods. Raz asks why. Mike says that she “hasn’t had to get out there and dig and scratch”. Eeew. Raz says it’s time Lauren finally gets cut off. Mike nods and says “Yes maam”. Eeew.
Back at the house. Buzzkill is taking her letter to her mom VERY seriously, with a cig in her hand as she giggles and begins the letter saying “To Whom it May Concern…” Has this girl EVER made one joke that was funny/clever/made sense? Just curious. If you guys can think of one, let me know.
Move aside, Kathy Griffin!
Buzzkill’s enabeler Mom, Afsaneh-
Raz says that when Buzz doesn’t get her way, she gets resistent. Um, understatement of the century, much? By “resistent” she means volatile, even LESS articulate, childish, whiney, unreasonable beyond belief, etc. Raz asks mom if she feels that she is a little bit to blame for Buzz’s behavior. Of course not. Mom giggles and lowers her head. Raz asks mom if she feels that it’s time for Buzz to get her own place. Mom, again, giggles and lowers her head. Why the fuck did mom send her on the show? I confused much.
Back at the house. Snitch is convinced that this is the easiest letter she will ever have to write. She says that her mom will take one look at her and will hear what she’s “been through”, and decide she must graduate. Hm. There’s a theory.
Snitch’s enabeler mom, Sheila-
Raz tells mom that Snitch feels the need to “lash out” when not given her way (understatement #2 of the century). Cue montage of Snitch argueing with Buzz, nonetheless. Mom nods, and says Snitch must learn to live within her means and she will have to live on her own, and mom doesn’t care if the lights get cut off (haha), she won’t help her. Riiiiight.
New Hoe’s enabeler mom, Christine-
This dynamic is a bit different. You see, New Hoe is actually nervous because she wants to be independent, and she is afraid to hurt her mom’s feelings, because, remember, they’ve never spent one night apart till this show. And, don’t forget, New Hoe is 20 mothafuckin 6. Seriously. Razorjaw asks mom (who btw-looks and talks EXACTLY like New Hoe) if she can agree to spending one night a week away from New Hoe. Mom says “Uh…um…uh..” for literally like 2 and 1/2 mins, then goes silent. I hate this show.
Jess’s enabelers parents, Rhonda and Jack-
Good Lawd. Razor tells them that Jess worked with chickens on a homestead, and they are shocked. She asks them what was up with Jess showing up with 9 suitcases, and they say she likes to travel, she likes options and excess. Mom and Dad say they have never had problems with Jess, and have raised to be not “Spoiled” but “Privledged”. The difference, anyone? Razorjaw asks if they think there can be a change, they pretty much say no. She tells them that Jess needs to be more independent, and they nod. Ok. We have 3 zeros and 3 heroes, so far.
Back at the house, over a smoke-filled porch pow-wow, Nads tells Buzzkill “I don’t even know how to write this letter”. I’m shocked. Buzz asks her what she has learned. She concludes that she has learned that “I shouldn’t trust anybody, I miss my daughter, and I shouldn’t go out as much.” Alrighty.
How deep. Deep, and smelling of shit. Kinda like her vag.
Nads’ enabelers Fahima and Sher-
Whoa, whoa, Fahima! Slow your roll! First thing’s first. Razor asks if Nads is spoiled. “YES!”. Does Nads get away with anything and everything? “YES!”. Does Nads do chores? “HELL NO!”. Raz tells them that btw- Nads lacks maturity. Oh, and she needs to get a job. And she needs to spend more time with “Layla”. I’m assuming that’s her daughter’s name, cause she sure as shit never told us. That’s about it.
Time for “Graduation”. Girls getting ready and saying how “nervous” they are. Parents pretending to take this seriously.
Nads’ turn. As usual, she tries to cry.
“I won’t trust people, I miss my kid, and I won’t go out as much,mmkay?”
Nads tells her parents that she appreciates all they do for her, she has grown, will own up to her responsibilities (huh?), and stay home with her kid more. Snitch says “It’s about time”. Word. Nads’ mom and dad must now give her her “Terms”. They are as follows:
1) Spend more time with “Layla” (foresaken child)
2) Decide on a career
3) Get a college education (cue coffee shooting out of my nose)
4) Help mom and maid clean
5) Only drink on weekends.
Simple enough, right? Nads? She giggles and says “Remind me daily”. Her dad says the terms will be posted on the fridge. LOL!!! She graduates. yay. She says “Lets take a shot of Tequila!” God, I hate this one.
“I was fat and entitled. Now i’m just fat.”
She says that she came into the program entitled, and selfish and well fed taken care of. But some things have come to light, and blah blah. Basically she’s “changed”. Massive eyeroll from Snitch. She says she’s making a commitment to continue to change. She doesn’t list any changes she will make, but we all get the point. Mom and dad? Her conditions as follows:
1) Live life on her own (duh)
2) Take a job “in the middle of nowhere”. (wtf does that mean?)
3) Find her own place
Not so bad! Of course she agrees, and, therefore, graduates. NEXT!!!
Lauren’s up, and Buzzkill has decided to kill my buzz my eye-raping Lauren’s dad saying “Damn! He’s hot!” Well, you’re not, bitch, so shut your pie-hole for Chrits’s sake. Grrr. Lauren starts off by saying “Not to be conceited, but iv’e always been the best at everything iv’e ever done”. Then she makes this face.
“Well, besides getting a job.”
I forgive her for this, cause she’s my lil punkin. Damn….I might have a girl-crush on her! Well, I did till she made this face, I guess. Anyway, she tells dad that she wishes she had been given the opportunity to make more mistakes. No, my dear Lauren, no no. Then you’d be a college student at 27, with no husband or life, writing recaps while you bite at your fingernails that you can’t afford to get manicured. Sorry. Tangent. She ends by saying “I promise to makeya proud!” with a little nod, and it’s the cutest thing iv’e ever seen. Dad? Conditions? Wait- first dad wants Lauren to know that he is sorry for making her feel like perfection is always expected from her, they both cry, and it needs to stop. I refuse to cry watching this bullshit show. STOP IT, YA’LL!!! CONDITIONS???
1) Get employment within three months.
That’s it? Boooo…Lauren agrees and graduates.
“I agree to anything as long you take me away from here, and any more potential abuse!”
Jess’s letter to mom and dad basically says that she inherited the “Excess” gene, she wants to be more independent from them, and rely on herself more financially. And something about using one shampoo as opposed to five. Mom and dad? What are her conditions?
1) She must cut down to 5 pieces of luggage
2) Help out with their 9 dogs.
Soooooo….basically, nothing? Pretty much. Spoiler alert: she agrees and graduates. NEXT!
Snitch’s turn! Yipee! She tells her mom that when she heard she was cut off, she was offended, hurt, upset, and embarrassed. But halfway through the program, she realized she was the reason. Mom? Without all the “I’m proud of you. I love you.” bullshit, mamma Sheila busts out her “conditions”. They are as follows:
1) Within 2 months, Snitch and her dog must be moved out.
2) Snitch now has complete financial responsibility without help.
Snitch agrees to the terms, cause, in all honesty…does she really have a choice, guys? Nope. She graduates.
New Hoe’s turn.
It’s like lookin in a mirror, huh?
So, in a nutshell, these two just tell each other how wonderful they are and how much they love each other. Mom says that maybe New Hoe can make her tea before bed a couple times a week, and if she wants to become more independent, they can work on this together. This is the dumbest shit iv’e ever seen in my fucking life. The other girls agree. And so does Razorjaw, judging by her bullshit smile.
Awe shit. Buzz’s turn. She tells her mom that just staying in the program is a big accomplish, and she wants to continue to become a better person. I can only assume she doesn’t know what the word “continue” means. Mom’s conditions?
1) Get a job
Before the word “job” even completely makes it across her lips, this happens
“But I finished the program!!!”
2) FINISH getting her real estate license. (L.O.L.)
3) Move out
4) Pay for her own car “maintenence” and “insurance”, her own “spas”, “shoppings”, and “travelings”. (I wonder where Buzz learned to fuck up the english language so royally).
Buzz asks us via interview “Do you KNOW how much a tire costs?” Actually, I DO know how much a tire costs, and I also happen to know that you have 3 spare tires sitting right behind you, that i’m sure you could at least borrow. Anyway, she agrees, graduates, and is this fucking episode/season over yet?
YAY, time to party. BB tells everyone “Get inside, i’m starving!”….ahh…some things never change! Update time:
Jess is “Now taking care of her 9 Maltese, but she’s still trying to learn how to travel with less than 9 bags”. Yawn. Snitch and her dog Tex “finally moved out of her mom’s house, unfortunately she just crashed her 9th car.” Boooo… New Hoe and her mom “have yet to spend a night apart since the program, but are still working on her independence together”…Whatevs. BB “moved out of her parents’ house and got her own apartment. She was shocked to learn that utilities weren’t included”….zzzzZZZZZzzzz…Lauren “Has cut herself off and is now fully supporting herself, and she still hopes to marry a president one day”. Jeez. Buzzkill says that “the program taught her the value of a dollar and now she wants to start her own business, in the meantime she hopes she doesn’t get a flat tire anytime soon”. Lord have mercy. Aaaaaannnnd SCENE!
Ok, guys. Feelings? Concerns? Need therapy now? Me too. Don’t forget to add what you learned from the show, i’d love to hear it. I need a good laugh after this. Love you all, and thanks so much for reading!!!!!!