You’re Cut Off: High-End Homeless

Another day dawns in the Middle Class Ranch House. Erica and Jacqui appear in their bikinis and are greeted by Gia: “Oh God, that’s just ugliness right there.”

I’ll wait for someone to argue. No? Me neither.

Erica and Jacqi are headed outside to do the Stilleto Bikini Blast Workout. It’s a work out that you can only do in bikinis, stilettos and sunglasses.

I’m already tired.

Outside, Pam joins Erica and Jacqui in the workout and Erica’s ginormous “real” boobs escape her bikini top.

All that salt water is trying to escape back to the ocean.

Gia says it’s the biggest Whore Blast she’s ever heard of and then launches into a fun game of twenty questions.

Gia: “Guess what I’m talking about. Ugly. I have legs like a horse. And eyes like an owl. Who am I?”

Leanne: “Erica!”

Leanne wins.

Gia: “Here’s another one. Face that just got smashed by a frying pan.” Gentle soul Courtnee now intervenes. “I know who you’re talking about. Why you don’t like them?”

Gia: “Because I can’t stand fake bitches. And I’m not a fan of accents.”

Hmmm… yikes on both counts, Gia. YOU have an accent. YOU are fake.. and I’m sorry to be rude, but you’re pretty ugly too. Anyway, they get a note from Life Coach Laura regarding their chores. Since there is no VIP this week, they have to decide amongst themselves who does what chores. Erica already DID her chores, even though we didn’t get the pleasure of watching it. She tells Gia to go make the beds and naturally Gia flips out and tells Erica that she is NOT her mother and to F off. Erica asks if she would say the F word to her mother. Yes, Gia would…. if her mother acted as stupid and ugly as Erica does.

Nothing more is shown of the chores. I guess everyone just did their chores???

Moving on…. they pile into their mini vans and head downtown to the Homeless Shelter. Life Coach Laura tells them that this week’s lesson is all about giving back. These girls are lucky that they can count on their families to enable support them, but not everyone can.

Hand those fake Pradas to some bag ladies you ingrates.

In comes Michelle Williams from Destiny’s Child. She feels VERY blessed (not as blessed as Beyonce) because a lot of good things have happened in life (not as many as have happened in Beyonce’s life) and so she’s giving back (not as much as Beyonce gives back) by donating her time and resources to PATH — aka People Assisting The Homeless.

Hey. That’s not Beyonce.

The Cut Off Ladies are thoroughly grossed out. Leanne says that homeless people are lazy and need to get jobs. Jacqui says that where SHE comes from in New Jersey, there ARE no homeless people. Amber feels that this is unsanitary, she is going to get a disease and these people are going to be creepy as hell. Erica wonders if things have really been that bad since Destiny’s Child split up that Michelle Williams is now in a Homeless Shelter.

Beyonce wouldn’t be caught dead here.

They will be cooking and serving food to the homeless residents today.

How the hell old is this woman? I’m going with forty. The question won’t stop burning.

The worst news of all: they will be wearing HAIR NETS. Leanne is NOT a lunch lady. Jessica has a hard time fitting the net over her extensions. And Gia feels so much “less sexier” in her hair net, because it flattens her hair and is unflattering to her face.

They all get to work chopping and stirring the food. Yikes. Did NOT look fun. Gia questions: Why can’t I just donate money?? Good point. I’d rather do that too.Everyone is working hard — besides Gia. She saw a homeless man in the hallway and it just stressed her out. She doesn’t know if she can do it.

He looked younger than me.

Leanne comes over to give her a little pep talk. She encourages Gia that by seeing her “pretty” face, the homeless men’s day will be made. Maybe even their YEAR.

Now, where are we gonna find a pretty face?

Laura, the sanctimonious, skinny bitch shows up to check on everyone’s progress. She condescendingly tells them that her challenge to them is to really TALK to the homeless men and see what they can give them besides just food.

…and blowjobs.

In come the homeless dudes. All the girls are shocked, because these homeless guys are NOT what they were expecting. Pam is surprised at how well they are dressed. She thought they would be naked. Jacqui also thinks they look good. Erica calls a couple of them hot.

I said I wasn’t paying rent. I didn’t say I don’t shop, k?

Then she gets insecure about her age and grills the homeless guy about how old she looks. She claims she is 26. If that’s true, then that is bad news for her, because I definitely thought she was older. Like past thirty. Times two.

Do homeless people have weird penises? No? Prove it.

Gia nervously goes and sits down at a table full of homeless men and proceeds to have her life changed. She tells us that at first, she was totally sketched out about the idea of feeding the homeless, but once she saw that some of them were cute, she was open to going and talking to them and hearing their stories.

OK. Let go now. I can’t breathe. Seriously. Let go.

She creates a special bond with one homeless man who has two daughters. She calls him a high-end homeless man, which he denies. She now wishes that she had contributed more to making their meals, rather than be a lazy, slack bitch.

Well, I’ll clean your house to make up for it.

To assuage her guilt, she offers the homeless man a job at her restaurant.

Another homeless man scares Jessica, Jacquie and Courtnee by telling them that he TOO used to have a privileged lifestyle…. his dad was a judge. So they better never think that they could NOT end up there.

This really makes Jacqui think about what she would do if her parents died tomorrow. I mean — she OBVIOUSLY has a trust fund… but other than that. LCL comes back to tell them what a great job they all did. But naturally, she wants to see if they can push themselves even further.

She dredges up a painful memory for them: that time when they had to abandon all their crap and were only allowed to bring into the house whatever they could fit into their cute pink duffel bags.

Well, now she has good news and bad news.Good news: they are getting all their crap back.

Bad news: they have to sell it all for charity.

There are two teams. They get to decide what they want to sell, but whichever team wins, gets a very special prize.

Team One: Erica, Pam, Jacqui, Courtnee

Team Two: Gia, Jessica, Amber, LeanneBack at the house, they decide what they are going to sell.

Jessica is gleeful to see all the shoes she forgot she had.

Leanne has an ugly fur. Erica thinks about giving away a Ti-Erica to help a homeless woman bring out her inner princess.

I think Erica is a bit confused though. The tiara is not going to a homeless person. They are SELLING the tiara and giving the MONEY to PATH.

Unless they learn to stab someone with it.

But the biggest decision of all is when Gia decides to sell her beloved hookah, which she cares more about than her family, according to Jessica.

Michelle shows up to survey the scene. She advises Erica about her pricing. Jessica says these homeless people can’t afford much anyway, so they better be reasonable with their prices. Who is confused here? Me, or them? Because Life Coach Laura just told me that this sale is open to the general public.

Michelle will be taking all this stuff home, let’s not pretend.

In comes the public. The girls lie to them, telling them they look good in their used stuff, in order to sell the most stuff for their teams. Jessica is ok with the lying, because it’s for charity. Gia is about to sell her hookah for one hundred dollars, when suddenly Erica sneaks up to the customer and warns her that the hookah does NOT work, and that a lot of people smoke out of it and it probably has herpes. Gia points out that Erica WOULD know a lot about herpes. In comes another customer with only forty dollars in her pocket. She is also interested in the hookah. Because it’s for charity, Gia decides that she will give it to that lady. For only forty dollars. Another customer comes in and gets the idea to buy the clothes right off Courtnee’s back. I guess Courtnee DOES look like a model, so it makes sense.

Back off homeless zombies!

The total amount raised from the sale is $3446. And Team Gia, Jessica, Leanne and Amber wins the challenge.

The prize????? Lunch with Michelle Williams.

Check, please!

At lunch, Gia rubs salt in Michelle’s wounds by talking about how much she misses Destiny’s Child and asking when and if they are getting back together. In turn, Michelle cautions Erica not to turn her daughter into a little monster by spoiling her, taking her shopping and doing her nails when she is only five months old. Gia already sees her daughter having a little diva attitude and she doesn’t want to create a monster.

Back at the MCRH, Gia and Courtnee have a heart to heart discussion. Things become very somber and serious as Gia reveals her struggles with post-partum depression. She feels like she was a bad Mom when her baby was first born and now she tries to make up for it by spoiling her daughter.

She also reveals that she has no friends and is realizing the importance of having friends and letting some things out. Courtnee says she is always there for her if she needs someone to talk to.

Well, maybe later. Judge Judy’s on. Hold that thought.

Laura arrives for the FINAL summit before graduation. This week’s lesson was about giving back and it was the most important lesson yet, says LCL. Gia went into it with a bad attitude, but was surprised to be inspired by the homeless men.

Inspired=Turned On

Jacqui now realizes how much she appreciates the SMALL things in life. Laura now decides to ask the girls what they think about each other in order to stir up some drama. Erica’s parents were worried that she was addicted to plastic surgery. Jess weighs in and says Erica has made some subtle but noticeable changes.

And you could use a lot more. Addiction is good when it’s to something useful. Like a new face.

Gia’s husband called her a demanding, spoiled, moody bitch. Does Pam think Gia can change her behaviors when she gets home? Absolutely not. And Erica thinks she is demanding, spoiled, moody, and number one – she thinks Gia’s a bitch.

Now it’s time for Courtnee to reveal that she had a personal discussion with Gia earlier that day and these girls do not even KNOW why Gia is the way she is. Everyone has a personal story and we don’t even know each other’s personal stories.

Gia’s a bitch because she’s a loser. Awwww!!

Because the program is coming to a close, there are no pass-fails this week. But there IS a VIP and it goes to Courtnee.The last step to the program is contacting their loved ones with LCL’s recommendations on whether or not they should graduate. Sounds ominous.

I will leave you with a horrifying picture. See you next time!