You’re Cut Off: In the Wilderness

It’s another cheerful morning in the middle class ranch house. Jacqueline is sleeping in her little fort. Now that Chrissy is gone, everything is peaceful…. FOR NOW.

Still skanky and ignorant, but peaceful.

Gia assigns the chores unfairly to everyone. She makes Jacqui scrub the toilets because she thinks she is too pretty. And she gives Pam two chores because she is a “big, fat bitch.”

Well, it’s important to a have criteria for these things or it would be flat out anarchy.

The girls do their chores anyway.

Yay I’m pretty.

Jessica intentionally spills coffee and coffee grinds on the floors so that Pam can clean them up.

Erica thinks that Pam doesn’t have enough balls to say things to people’s face. But she is glad that there is drama going on that doesn’t involve her…. for now.

They pack their pink bags and head to destinations unknown…..

We can be pretty sure that it’s not a school of any kind.

On the way there, I learned yet another new phrase: “natural born haters” as Pam wonders whether Jessica and Gia hate her for a reason that she can fix or if they are just “natural born haters.”

An Oliver Stone sequel.

They arrive in the wilderness and are duly horrified. As was I. Sorry readers, but I am with the Princesses on this one. I hate camping… and this lesson looked horrifying indeed.

Today we are gonna learn how to poop outside.

Life Coach Laura shows up and gives us this profound saying: “Last week, you discovered your inner beauty, and this week, I want you to discover the beauty of nature.” What the hell? Who wrote that line?? That is a botched simile if I ever heard one. Shouldn’t it have gone something like this: “Last week, you discovered your inner beauty, and this week I want you to discover the beauty of the OUT doors.” Get it? INner beauty…. OUT doors. I really think she missed an opportunity for some sort of catchy phrase like that. How lame!

But inside we only have guts and stuff, which aren’t pretty. Laura is dumb.

The princesses protest loudly about the lesson. So gross. I would also be protesting and striking. Erica tells us that she HAS been camping before. She has houses in Aspen and Palm Springs, hello. Jacqueline has also been camping before — when she went scuba diving.

Sleeping underwater is way harder than this.

They are forced to haul all their shit up the road. Not sure why the stupid van couldn’t have just driven all that crap directly TO the campsite, instead of making them carrying “two thousand pounds” of gear five miles.

Included in that two thousand pounds are those giant bags of saline. The bag only weighs like 10.

As they hauled their crap, I learned another new word from Courtnee: “These YARD RATS had the nerve to leave me, Erica, Jacqui and Pam to carry all this stuff.” Yard rats??!!! HAHAHAH!!! What a great term!! I can’t wait until the next time someone does something mean to me so that I can call them a Yard Rat! HAHA!! Has anyone ever heard this term before, or is it only new to me???

On the way to the site, a tiny little fuzzy bunny runs across the road and scares the shit out of Jessica.

Wet crack. Nice.

Erica informs us that she isn’t sweating despite her heavy load because she has had botox injections under her arms to prevent sweating. So, I’ve heard that when you get sweat injections like that, it just makes the sweat come out other places. So maybe it was dripping off her forehead or down her back or something? This is what I’ve heard.

They arrive at the horrifying campsite. That place wasn’t even cute. No view, nothing. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the point of camping to go to majestic, grand scenes in the outdoors and be part of nature? I don’t see much point in pitching tent on a deserted patch of weeds.

One of the deserted weeds.

Gia welcomes her minions to hell and vows to ruin the lives of the “bitches who talked back to her that morning.”

She makes all the other girls pitch tents, while she lays around and does nothing.

Next stop: Congress

Erica struggles to figure out what a stake is.

Is this the kind I can just throw up later?

Courtnee and Leanne struggle with the VIP tent while Gia uses the mattress inflator to blow on her sweaty boobs. Gia now tells Jacqueline and Pam to go dig holes to shit in. What in the HELL?? That is seriously DISGUSTING. I would NOT be going for that, and I don’t think I’m a rich, cut-off princess.

Suddenly on the horizon appear three out of work actors men to “help.” Life Coach Laura sent them there to help the ladies. “Amazing Grace” plays twangily in the background.

So where’s the Bachelorette? It’s hot out here.

Erica hits on them and begs them to spend the night with her.

One dude goes to help Leanne and Jessica fish. When Leanne asks if there are many “fishes” in there, he gets all pompous and tells her that “fish” is both plural and singular. Listen here, you out of work LA actor — I really don’t think you’re in a position to be acting superior to Leanne, so why not cut the pious bullshit.

Fisheses

Another dude goes and helps to dig the shit ditches with Erica. They also collect some wood, but not the kind of wood Erica was looking for.

Wait. These are sticks. I never agreed to this. I meant WOOD. COME ON!

Erica is depressed as the guys leave and refuse to spend the night. Gia calls all the girls who thought they were going to laid whores.

On to dinner. So nasty. Hot dogs, beans and vegetables that they have to cook on an open fire. Naturally no one can figure out how to do this, so they drop the food and wine all over the dirt floor, pick it up back up, stick it in the fire and eat it.

It’s like, exfoliating the inside of my mouth.

Erica makes a wilderness version of steak tartar. Jessica wonders why Erica hasn’t melted standing so close to the fire, being that she is ninety percent plastic.

Clothes lined with pot holders.

Out comes the alcohol and away go the inhibitions. All hell breaks loose. Erica starts a rendition of “Koom-by-yah” and it’s revealed that it is Gia’s birthday.Erica downs several bottles and bags of wine. She starts revealing such deep dark secrets as: she made out with another girl one time. She instigates fights and drama. It is discovered that Jessica and Gia’s air mattress has been deflated by Erica’s “flat ass.”

Jessica and Jacqueline then get into an argument over who is uglier. Jacqueline hates Jessica more than she has EVER hated anyone in her ENTIRE life. Jessica would slash her face if she woke up in the morning looking like Jacqueline. Jacqueline would KILL herself if she woke up in the morning looking like Jessica. Jessica would throw Jacqueline in the fire, if she was wood.

More talk of wood. Just let it go, hookers!

Note: people will NOT be walking all over Jacqueline anymore. She has walked away TOO many times, and she is DONE. Now, it’s Jacqueline vs. Gia… fighting over who is a bigger bitch. Gia doesn’t hang around single whores. But Jacqueline is glad that at least she doesn’t look like a hound dog. Now, it’s Gia vs. Erica. “Good night birthday loser.” Gia tells Erica that she is a f@&king fake whore. Erica criticizes her lack of diverse vocabulary and calls her Ghetto Gia. Then says “Goodnight Birthday Penis.” Like ten thousand times.

Ahhhh…. the morning after.

Amber wakes up feeling like crap. Erica wakes up and wonders if she got into an argument with someone last night. She cannot remember ANYTHING. She asks Jessica if they had words. Jessica tells her not to even TALK to her or Gia right now. I’ve noticed that Jessica is a BIG follower. She is always following someone around, latching onto someone else. Jacqueline wakes up and starts arguing over who should shut the f*ck up with Jessica.Luckily, Life Coach Laura arrives just now to break it all up. She demands they pack their bags immediately and head back to the Ranch.

Back at the house, the girls shower, then lounge around and gossip about what a horrible nightmare camping was. Time for another grocery outing.

Well, we seem to have enough bananas so yay for that.

Jacq makes a list of three things, then Gia, Leanne and Jessica head to a luxurious grocery store. What happened to that ghetto How’s they were hitting up a couple weeks ago? Naturally, Gia disregards everything on everyone else’s list and instead buys herself a birthday cake, some jello, and anything else she pleases.

Jessica bakes a birthday cake and Erica, Pam and Jacqueline sit outside and decide to call Gia a queen basset hound from now on. Since Gia refused to buy their groceries, Jacqueline took a solemn vow to make this the worst birthday Gia ever had.

What’s a basket bound?

Erica peeks inside the curtain and says “Hi basset hound!” to Gia. Gia takes the bait, comes outside and GETS in Erica’s face, telling her NOT to call her a dog. Erica tells Gia to get out of her face, because she does not look cute that close up. Gia counters “you’re ugly too.” At least it’s agreed that they’re both ugly. Erica tells Gia that she needs to fight with her words rather than violence. In comes Life Coach Laura for the final summit.

Pam tells LCL that she was manipulated into awarding Gia VIP. Pam was forced to do TWO chores and Gia abused her powers. Gia admits to this “most definitely.”

Then we talk about Jess and her penchant for arguing and fighting. This conversation goes on for a LONG time. It was super boring.

It culminated with Erica denying that her boobs were implants and Jessica calling her a Malibu whore. LOL!

A job’s a job girls.

Life Coach Laura: “You guys, listen to me. I am DEAD serious about all your progress. I believe in every single one of you.” I’m getting a little sick of this sanctimonious bitch, to be honest.

“I just want you to let the walls down so you can just not be affected by all the noise.” Jessica loves this saying and plans to make it her LIFE saying hearing. Meanwhile, I don’t think it makes any sense. If you don’t want to be affected by “all the noise,” then shouldn’t you leave the walls up to keep the noise out? I’m just curious……

Time for the list of who passed and who failed.

FAILED: Jessica, Jacqueline, Gia, Erica

PASSED: Pam, Leanne, Amber, Courtnee

VIP Award goes to…. NO ONE.

You guys, LCL takes this award SERIOUSLY. It is an IMPORTANT title and she is NOT going to just give it away. Haha!!! That’s what Grandmas tell their granddaughters not to do.

Next week: the least famous third of Destiny’s Child teams up with the Cut Off Princesses to volunteer for the Homeless.

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