You’re Cut Off!: “Intervention” for Rich Girls

***Please welcome your newest recapper to the stables, JulieJulie!!

So basically, this is a rich girl version of A&E’s Intervention. These rich bitches “think” they are being featured in a reality show highlighting their glamorous, extravagant lifestyles. What they don’t know is that they actually have been set up by their enablers parents to be cut off and have to make it on their own in front of America.

Just one more shot and you’ll look like a pleather ziplock bagfull of leather jello.

First up is Erica, formerly of “Bachelor” fame… from Prince Lorenzo’s season (oh, how the not-really-that-mighty have fallen to somehow even-less-mighty stations in life). Her dad is a plastic surgeon and estimates that it costs half a million dollars a year to maintain her appearance. Despite footing this bill, her Dad insists he is trying to prevent her from becoming addicted to plastic surgery…. despite (again) the fact that he IS a plastic surgeon.

Fake sun makes you look old too.

Jacqueline not only has money, but is also pretty. For this reason, she gets anything she wants.

I’d sell my kids for bigger eyelashes.

Gia from Sherman Oaks married her husband because he is rich. She has a closet full of clothes that still have the tags on. She had a baby, but does NOT breast-feed it, because she will NOT be getting up in the middle of the night. She needs her sleep (I agree, Gia. Here’s to hoping you can sleep away those bags under your eyes).

Unfortunately, Leann’s rich Dad was somehow not about to scrape together enough change to fix his own teeth. She also likes to French kiss her dog.

I can’t decide which one is getting the worse makeout partner.

Dolph Lundgren fan?

And seriously.. what is UP with that hair??? It’s ok not to be blonde, Leanne. Just accept.

Exclusive mall. It’s only for…everyone.

The ladies are all shopping in The Beverly Center. Sorry, y’all… but that mall is NOT that great. If they are really so rich, I think they can find a better place. I mean, it doesn’t even have that many department stores. There is no Nordstrom there. There IS a Bloomingdale’s…. but whatever. The parking is atrocious…. I think they could go over to Rodeo Drive or something, if they were really serious about shopping.

Are those the stripes of Franco Sarto? Because I’ve seen that brand at such discount stores as Ross, Marshalls, TJ Maxx, Loehmanns and Nordstrom Rack. I AM JUST SAYING.

And PS YOU’RE INSANELY STUPID

One by one, their credit cards are declined and they are sent down to “guest-services” to clear up the issue.

Could you send the maid up with clean towels?

At “guest-services” they are told to go into a mysterious back room, where everything will be explained.

And now’s the part where you either pay for all the clothes you picked out or we chop off a finger.

There in the guts of the mall, with naked mannequins in the background, a Life Coach finally reveals the truth… they are CUT OFF.

Jessica’s Mom tells her that Mickey D’s is hiring and that she should put in an application with all due haste. Chrissy’s Grandmother tells her that she “has been acting a DAMN FOO.”

Well said.

She may look 45, but she’s still got the mind of a 5 year old.

Jacqueline is definitely the most upset. I think these other bitches smelled a rat and maybe sorta knew what was coming. Jacqueline was definitely blindsided.

So cute! It reminds me of when Rachel Green moved to New York City after leaving Barry at the altar, cut up her credit cards and tried to make it on her own.

I may be poor, but the entire city has my hair.

Erica does NOT need a life coach… she already has an astrologer.

Did she tell you that you had a minivan in your future? Cuz if not, she sucks.

The girls pile into two mini vans and head for The Valley. Jacqueline wonders WHO actually dives mini vans?? She has never been in one. Jacqueline, I will TELL you who drives mini vans. ME. Not now. That would be fine… I’m thirty-one. No, in HIGH SCHOOL I drove a mini-van. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. Cue the Psycho music as they arrive to the quiet cul-de-sac ghetto.

Even the trees are too poor to afford decent outfits! Why are they all so naked?!?! WAH!

The girls are horrified and Erica tells us that even her MAID doesn’t live in such abominable quarters.

This house needs to rise up with the force of a hurricane and squash these yoyos. Make yourself useful, house!

Time for the first challenge. Being the rich princesses that they are, they have each brought dozens of suitcases with them… well, it’s time they learn how to PRIORITIZE. They will ONLY be able to bring into the house with them whatever they can fit into a hot, huge, over-sized pink duffel bag. Being a bag-whore myself, I am SERIOUSLY jealous of that huge, pink bag. Seriously. Where can I get one??

They all look like flaming murderers right now trying to dispose of disobedient maid bodies.

This challenge is hilarious. And to really up the stakes, the beds will be occupied on a first-come, first-serve basis. So they better pack fast if they want the best bed.

Is this luggage Louis Vuitton?? Or is it Diane Von Furstenburg? Because I’m gonna go ahead and put it out there — that looks like DVF… despite the LV checkers on it. And furthermore, I’m gonna go ahead and call you out even more and tell you that I myself own a DVF suitcase…. which I BOUGHT AT ROSS DRESS FOR LESS.

I dunno. These “rich” girls are kinda low rent.

Hey! That’s Archie’s chair!

Inside, the house is oozing with Middle-Class that would make Roseanne feel right at home. There are several bunk beds crammed into each room.

This is where your brain will go after you die so we can study the inner workings of your brilliance for years to come. Also it’s how you make ICE.

The fridge is stocked with raw, frozen meat, which presents a problem since these ladies do NOT cook. After sitting around uselessly for several hours, they finally get so hungry that they are forced to resort to desperate measures — cooking.

I say we cook the brunette first.

Erica puts on her French maid costume and gets to work in the kitchen. Unfortunately the only wine present is BOX WINE. Which they don’t know how to “operate.” The take the bag out of the box, slice it open and pour themselves a glass. They are super proud of themselves for this accomplishment.

It’s like that time Erica got punched in the boob.

The girls all sit down to a nice dinner of burnt-meatballs, dried pasta and leaves.

I will only eat things with less moisture than my crinkly face.

The ones who didn’t cook bitch and complain about the meal, while the ones who cooked tell them they should try cooking. OMG… that makes me so nostalgic for the 50s and Mad Men.

Hey! Who staple gunned that orangutan’s face back?

After dinner, they chillax over a box of wine and talk about love, the truth and what you mean to me. Erica shows us her trick… she can stick an entire glass in her mouth. She then makes them dare her to get naked… and shows us her other trick… running around in a g-string.

That belly button looks like an old man smirking.

Not content that there will inherently be enough drama in the house, Erica then invokes the centuries old conflict between Muslims and Jews by accusing Gia of not liking her because she is Jewish, while Gia is Muslim.

Let’s fight with each other a lot just to give idiots on VH1 something to talk about. Deal?

It works, as Gia is deeply offended that Erica assumed Gia was Muslim, just because she is Middle Eastern. She tells Erica how stereotypical and offensive she is… and the conflict has begun.

I only pray to LaCroix, bitch.

Finally, the life coach comes back to the house and a summit is held. The girls reveal that it is hard for them to part with all their stuff because it is crap their parents bought for them… and they are REALLY close to their parents. I definitely can relate to having a hard time throwing out crap your Mom gives you. I have a suit my Mom bought me when I graduated from college to wear on job interviews. Like all the clothes in Gia’s closet, it still has the tag on it.

Jacqueline aka Rachel Green is definitely taking this the hardest. She is hyper-ventilating crying. This is INCREDIBLY difficult for her, because — she is SO CLOSE to her parents. And she did everything right. She DESERVES all the stuff she has.

Your mother also gave you a brain, and you don’t seem to mind wasting that.

Erica tells us that looks are extremely important in her family and that her parents wouldn’t love her as much if she wasn’t as pretty. After all, her Dad IS a plastic surgeon. Earlier this year, she was thirty pounds heavier and her Dad would come up to her at parties and make liposuction noises. Come to think of it… I do seem to remember seeing her on a Where-Are-They-Now segment on The Bachelor and noticing all the LBS she had packed on. So depressing. If someone as rich as her… with a plastic surgeon father… can’t keep the weight off, what hope is there for a peasant like myself????

Gia is getting creeped out by all these other girls who seem to have A LOT of issues that she herself does NOT have.

Can we just talk about anorexia and fake boobs for awhile like normal people?

We learn that the two things Jessica can NOT live without are tanning and cigarettes… which she apparently likes to stub out on her mother’s granite counter tops.

Why is that wrong but peeing in the sink isn’t?

On to Pam. She already IS independent. Why? Because she drives a nice Mercedes. And has a nice apartment. Duh. Her suspicious housemates demand to know HOW she affords to live on her own. She says she works on Wall Street. She’s an investment banker. Just because she is pretty does NOT mean she can’t be financially independent. I know, right??? I get that ALL the time myself.

What should be done about the oil spill? Go!

The girls are not buying this line of reasoning and insist she must, in fact, be a prostitute. I love how that’s the only other job they can think of for her. Pam say that she does NOT need to tell them all her sh*t and the mystery of how Pam “supports herself” rages on. After the summit, a pillow fight ensues.

A few face hits might make these skanks look better.

The life coach sums it all up for us. If these bitches don’t get their act together… they might be cut off — FOR GOOD. What????? Shouldn’t that be the end goal anyway?? What’s the point of living “on your own” for a few weeks if you are just going to go back to your enabling parents in the end? God damn it, I’m jealous of these bitches and will definitely be tuning in to make myself feel better about not having a washer-dryer hook up in my apartment. I may have to go to the laundry mat with a bag of quarters to wash my unmentionables… but at least I EARNED the quarters and the dirty laundry. And no one can take that away from me!!!!!