Alright. Pop Quiz, Gasmii.-
Last week we learned…
A) Aimee is a snitch, and Butterball celebrates when her family members die.
B) The Swap-Meet has fun stuff to buy, and Buzzkill is a Cuntface.
C) The girls cannot differentiate between more and less expensive items, and Nads DOES NOT have an hourglass figure.
D)!!! ALL OF THE ABOVE! YAY
Montage of what we’ve seen. Montage of what we’re gonna see. All the girls are sitting around having a pity-party cause (remember?), they ALL failed the lesson. Teeheehee. New Hoe says “Iv’e never failed anything in my whole life!”. Can someone simply fail at LIFE? Just curious. Especially torn up is our all-of-a-sudden-sentimental Nads. She whines “I’m away from my baaaaaabyyy”. You mean the baby who’s in daycare by the time you get up in the morning? The same baby your parents watch while you go out partying every night? Thought so. She’s trying her best to cry but no tears are coming out. Seriously. Look.
C’mon, Nads. Just squeeze one tear out. Just one.
She says “Maybe if I brought some of her clothes to sleep with. Or even her diaper..” Um. Gross. Gross cause I hate when people get like that cause they miss their kid. And gross cause that’s just….gross. It’s ok, I guess, if you actually care about your kid, but that doesn’t apply here. She decides she’s gonna leave. She misses her kid TOO MUCH. Not once has she mentioned the kid’s name, and I’m assuming it’s cause she can’t remember. The other girls pretend to give a shit, and half-ass try to get her to stay. Razorjaw says “It’s five weeks into this program, and some of these girls are unraveling because they have been cut off for so long, but if they want to become strong, independent women, their gonna have to make it through this low point.” Ok, Gasmi. How many things are wrong with that statement? 1) It’s not actually 5 weeks in, cause we can tell that each “lesson” is more like 3 days, not 1 week. 2) The girls are actually unraveling because they are bored and drinking wine and want attention. 3) If they want to become strong, independent women, they will actually have to get an education and a job. And 4) This “low point” is more like a temper tantrum. If they would like to get through a low point, they can come live my life for a day, mmkay!? Moving on.
Nads says “There’s something wrong and I can feel it.” Does it itch, Nads? Burn when you pee? Thought so. You probably should go home. Jessica backs me up and says “If that’s how you feel then you gotta go!” LOVE. HER. Jessica=voice of reason.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER FACE!?!?!!? HELP ME TVGASM!
She says “It’s like a tug of war. Part of me wants to stay, and part of me wants to go home.” How deep.
Next morning. We see this:
Then this :
She’s here to stay, folks. She says “There’s things in life you just can’t give up on”. Hm, Nads. Like, per say, raising your child? I dunno. I’m never gonna let that one go, guys. From the moment I saw her montage as she struts down the hall of one of her parents’ spas in a fluffy white bath robe, glass of champagne in one hand saying “Yeah, my baby is in daycare by the time I get up in the morning, and my grandparents watch her at night. And if they can’t watch her, I WILL find a sitter.” Ugh. HATE. HER.
The girls collectively decide that each girl has to have 1 meltdown. I’m hoping for much, much more than that.
There’s a letter! Groans all around. The letter says that some people are CUT OFF! by choice, so make hace not waste, your’e ride will be here in an hour. I’m sure that’s not exactly what the note said, cause that makes no sense, but that’s what I heard.
And for the conversation of all conversations:
BB- “But who would cut themselves off intentionally?”
Buzzkill- “Homeless people”
BB- “But on purpose”
Buzzkill- “A LOT of them DO on purpose”
Who, Buzzkill? Who? I want one example
God, I hate her. They should put her ass on the streets for the remainder of the “program” just for being such an ignorant shithead. What the fuck is she even talking about?!? NVM. There’s smoke coming out of my ears.
The girls are taken downtown. Or uptown. I dunno, who cares. They GO somewhere and are met by Razorjaw. She says some shit about “You all lead a life of excess. From cars, to clothes, to even taking hour-long showers.” Wait-whaaaaa? Who takes an hour-long shower? I’m 20mins TOPS. Unless you were severely hypothermic, or covered from head to toe in jelly, that would never be neccessary.
Here’s where they are:
I’m assuming pot grows here
Razorjaw welcomes the Jervase family. Cue cartoon “Flight of the Bumblebees” type of music. We have Jordan. Except it’s pronounced “Jord-Anne”.
aka-Crazy mom from “Carrie”
Anna-E (pronounced Onna-Eeee)-
Marilyn and Charles Manson’s love child
“How did I get here, and who are these freaks?”
And “Head of the Household”, Jewels-
“And these are my FAMILY Jewels. Heh Heh”
Jewels explains that they grow their own food, use solar and wind energy, they have recycling water and waste conservation programs, their water bill is $600 a year, and their electricity bill is $12 a month. And f.y.i.- they shower once or twice a week. Reactions anyone?
Guess what that means, Gasmii?????? You know what time it is!!! It’s time for our “How Many Politically Incorrect Things Can We Say in 30 Seconds” segment!!!!! Take it away, Twat Waffles!
1) BB- “I’m thinkin Amish, I’m thinking Monks, I’m thinking ‘Who would cut themselves off!?’”
2) BB- I’m confused as to who these people are. They look like they might be brothers and sisters, maybe they’re married. I’m not sure what’s going on.”
3) BB- “I feel like we’re in an episode of ‘Big Love’ “
4) New Hoe- “I’m seeing no shoes. That’s not a way I would ever live.”
5) New Hoe- “My cheapest BAG cost more than their water bill for the entire YEAR!”
6) Buzzkill- “1 or 2 showers a week? My DOG gets bathed more than that.”
7) Jess- “GET.ME.OUT.OF.HERE.”
8) Buzzkill- “Can we get gloves please?”
9) BB-” Why doesn’t she wear shoes? I mean, I have a different pair of shoes for every mood I’m in!”
10) BB- “I agree with standing up for your beliefs, I believe in helping the earth, but I also believe in hairspray and taking a shower”
….1!!!!! Great job, Ladies! Especially BB! Hell yeah, girl! And your reward for being the biggest a-hole of the day? This picture:
There should be a weight limit to buy tank tops. Someone get her a “Shake Weight” STAT!
My bad. I’m getting ahead of myself. Razorjaw announces that Snitch and Butterball will help Onna-eee with making Apple Butter, and Jess and Buzzkill will help Jord-Anna with the animals. Jess says she is afraid of animals. Razorjaw asks Jord-Anna if she’s ever dealt/worked with anyone one who is afraid of animals. Jord-Anna? “Yeah, children”. HAHAHAHA! BURN!!! We’re not told what the other girls will be doing, and I don’t care. As long as it’s equally unpleasant for them, I’m happy.
So, BB and Snitch join Onna-Eee in the kitchen, and Onna-Eee explains that they have nothing that’s powered by electricity, besides their energy-efficient refrigerator. BB interrupts her to ask “Ok. So why don’t you wear shoes?’ Onna-Eee is humble and explains that she really doesn’t need em, and studies have shown that it’s actually better for your feet to be barefoot. Snitch says “Ok. I REFUSE to believe that.” Nice manners, ladies.
Out at the animal cages, or coops, or whatever the hell it’s called, Jord-Anna explains that the girls (Jess and Buzzkill) will be cleaning up/collecting goat shit to be reused. One goat “Peaches” has saved a poop just for the girls to witness!
“Welcome to our Homestead! Baaaaaa. Baaaaaa”
Jess says “The goat is literally dropping little black beans out of it’s butt.” Uh….you mean shit? Crap? Poop? Doo-doo? Feces? Grr…People who don’t cuss are really obnoxious. Buzzkill says “Not only do we have to clean the shit, but we have to save the shit. OMG. Just throw it away!” UGH! JORD-ANNA JUST FUCKING EXPLAINED WHAT THEY DO AND WHY! WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN, YOU MORON!?. Forget it. She exhausts me.
Back in the kitchen, Onna-Eee tells the girls it’s time to make a smoothie! BB is very excited. Shocker. They head outside and we see this:
Haha. I know where this is going.
BB asks, “Is that a treadmill?” 1) Does it look like a treadmill? 2) Have you ever seen a treadmill? She’s too dumb for me today. Onna-Eee explains that when someone “rides” the bike, the blender is powered to blend. The faster the pedaling, the more the contents gets blended, you get the picture. Guess who’s riding today? Butterball! (Could there BE a more appropriate choice?) BB climbs on, begins to pedal, is automatically sweating, and cue olympic-sprinting-to-the-finish line-neck-and-neck type music. It’s hilarious.
Check out the evil grin on Helter Skelter’s face. Classic.
Snitch interviews, “I think that bike got more of a workout than Marci did!” LOL
Over in the stables/coop/cage, Jess and Buzz must now groom the goats. I’m gonna rush throught this cause these bitches are too annoying for words. Buzzkill is poking at Peaches with a rake saying “No Kitty! No Kitty Kitty Kitty.” Jord-Anna tells them that the goats like to be sang (sung?) to, especially Blackberry.
Jess starts brushing Blackberry, singing “Blackbeeerrrrryy…” Buzzkill says “Omigaaawd. I miss my Blackberry! Maybe that’s why he doesn’t like you”. Jess- “Cause I have an I-Phone?” Buzz- “Yeah.” Me- “OMFG. Someone is gonna die today.”
Over at the garden is where I guess the other girls are working,
This one’s too easy, Gasmii
Justin explains that they must feed the animals their “dessert”.
Hey, Justin. If you convince one of these Asshats to eat the “dessert”,
I’ll give you your first BJ, AND pay your water bill for the year, mmkay?
Nads and Lauren dig in, but New Hoe is grossed out, and says that she doesn’t care if this fails her, she’s not touching the worms. Lauren says it’s “cute how they cuddle up and stuff”.
New Hoe tries explaining to Jewels that not only can she not touch the worms, she can’t see them either. She says “It’s a sea-sickness kind of thing.” I think she means that as SEE-sickness, but she sounds like Captain Dumbshit either way, sooooo moving on.
Over at the chicken coops, Jord-Anna explains that the chickens’ wings must be clipped. Jess thinks it may be cruelity. Buzzkill says “They’re gonna see my feather earrings and freak out!”
You mean those zebra-print, made of synthetic feather-plastic earrings? Um, yeah
WE all know this is the dumbest theory in the history of the world, but how AWESOME would it be if she was right!? Like, if the chicken flipped his/her shit and pecked her eyes out or something? Are the Gods that kind? No such luck. They successfully clip the wings, decide the chickens are cute, and blah blah blah. Yawn.
BB and Snitch are sent to the goat cage to meet up with the other girls. As Jord-Anna, or Onna-Eee (I’m not sure which) leads them into the cage, with BB coming in last, and says “Make sure you close the latch so they won’t get out!”. BB DOES NOT close the latch, and this happens:
Peace OUT! Baaaaaaa…
BB goes racing, er, what an obese person considers racing, after Peaches, yelling “Someone didn’t close the latch!” YEAH! YOU!!! It’s all really funny, but the fun is cut short when Onna-Eee swoops in, catching Peaches mid-escape, and leads him/her back to the safety of the homestead. Booooooooo! BB interviews that the goat getting lost/killed/injured would “Ruin these people’s entire life!” God, she’s dreadful.
Time to enjoy the fruits of their labor and sit down to the meal they all helped prepare. I guess by “prepare”, they mean fed the animals that poop on the ground to nourish the earth to grow the veggies to be chopped to put on the nasty pizza they cooked in the fire-cooking oven? No? NVM. Razorjaw shows up, and the word “Amazing” is used about 20x in 30 seconds, and I’m not sure why. She asks Jewels to tell her who out of the girls “stood out”. He names Snitch, Nads, and Buzzkill. Ok, guys. I’m starting to get a little pissed off. Each week, Lauren and Jess have done whatever has been asked of them, with minimal or no complaint. Why haven’t they been recognized? Ok, and now I’m pissed off that I even give a shit. Forget it. Razorjaw says that those three chosen girls will have a reward waiting for them at the house, and it’s a reward that is “homegrown” and “priceless”. Which tells us it’s gonna suck. Oh! And I forgot that Buzzkill was so moved by the Jervaces, that they are gonna raise money to buy them a greenhouse. A) No, you’re not. B) There is clearly no room in their yard for a greenhouse. C) They clearly have no problem growing plants and veggies, cause the pizza you’re eating is covered in them. And D) Build all the greenhouses you want, the world still hates you. Phew!
Back at the house. The girls sit around in one of the bedrooms, and New Hoe is folding some of her clothes, and she is vocallizing (very loudly, I must say), what each one of the items costs. The other girls are getting more and more annoyed, and so am I. She starts whining about how she’s not used to having to be selective with what she wears, and finally Jess goes “We are all used to having our entire closets! STOOOOOP!”. I love her long time.
There’s a letter! It says that it’s time for the three chosen girls to get their reward, and to head to the living room. There is a tv set up, and they quickly figure out that they’re getting a video message from their family.
Snitch is up first. She cries.
Jeez. Is it THAT moving?
BTW-I thought she and Buzzkill wanted to murder each other?!
Buzzkill is next and she ALMOST cries.
“Mommy!…What’s her name again?”
Nads’ turn, and she TRIES to cry.
“Awww…my baaaaby! What’s her name, again?”
New Hoe is pissed because she misses her mom, and thinks all the girls shoulda gotten to see their home video. Buzzkill interviews “She needs to get off her mom’s dick and get it together”. Whaaaaa? I’m tired, and this episode is boring, so I’m not touching that one.
Eval time. THANK. GOD. Razorjaw starts asking them about how they over-indulge in clothing, products, etc. Butterball says that she’d rather “get a delicious latte, or a cute pair of earrings, than write about it or call a friend.” She says it’s not her “outlet”, it’s more of her “therapy”. Uhhh….what’s the difference, exactly? Ugh. I’m over this whole episode, so let’s just get to the point.
Razorjaw points out that this has been New Hoe’s toughest week yet. Hasn’t she only been there for 2 “weeks” (aka 6 days)? Razorjaw asks if she feels like she can relate to the rest of the girls. Ooooh! Nice job, producers! Obviously, they have been viewing the recent interview footage, and know EXACTLY what to bring to light! Here is a play-by-play of New Hoe’s journey into “Assholedome”. And Razorjaw orchestrates the ENTIRE thing! Here we go.
New Hoe-”I can relate to Lauren. We have some of the same moral values…we would hang out with the same kind of people..” On an asshole-scale of 1-10, she’s at about a 2 at this point. Razorjaw- “What kind of people?” New Hoe- “People from our similar backgrounds..” Up to a 5 on the asshole scale. Razorjaw- “And what kind of background is that?” New Hoe- “Close family values. …education is a must…..”
“…….no wild past, certain social status. My father always says ‘birds of a feather flock together!’” She’s at an 8, now. Razorjaw-”Who in particular do you not relate to?” New Hoe-”Like, Nadia would be a wild child, to me. Buzzkill smokes and drinks, and that’s a deal breaker for me to hang out with someone.” She’s made it to a 10, folks! She’s officially an asshole! Anyway, all the girls are thoroughly offended by now, and Buzzkill makes a poor attempt at flipping the scrip by saying “Well, I like fashion, but she sits there and talks about brands, and how much things cost, and that’s shallow to me, so I wouldn’t hang out with HER.” Ok. Let’s be real. That’s what they ALL do, and HAVE done since the day they arrived, but we’ll let that go for now. Whatever. Basically, New Hoe walked right into Razorjaw’s trap, and the entire house hates her. Oh! And btw- they all pass this week except for New Hoe, and Buzzkill is VIP. Gag.
New Hoe is standing in the kitchen with BB, wearing strechpants with an oversize t-shirt from Hot Topic, and having an anxiety attack. She misses her mom.
Look, bitch. It was on the clearance rack, and nobody was around, oookaaay?!
She says, with 100% seriousness, that she thinks she’s having an actual physical/allergic reaction to the house/situation. Oh, and it gets worse at night. She tells BB, “I mean LOOK at my chest. It’s all red”. It’s probably red cause we all just witnessed her pulling at it, and scratching all over it for the past 10 minutes. A medic comes, and tells her the same thing I, as a medic, would tell her. “Ma’am. You’re having an anxiety attack. Calm down and take a deep breath.” We hate calls like this. Anyway, I didn’t realize the girls were not allowed to even speak to their family or friends. I mean, now that I look back, I guess i’ve never seen one of them ON the phone, so I guess it makes sense. I just never thought about it. Anyhoo, I guess New Hoe decides to go home, and Rajorjaw is forced to let her have a 10min phone call with her mom. Apparently, New Hoe has never spent a night away from her parents. FYI-she’s 26. She meets Razorjaw for the phonecall, and is still wearing the strechpants. Ick. The phonecall goes as you’d expect. Sweetness and smiles. New Hoe feels better and decides to stay. She tells Razorjaw “I’m not perfect”, and Razorjaw keeps a straight face.
That’s all for this week. I apologize for the boring recap, but truth be told, this was a reeeaaaallly boring episode. Next week, the girls work for “Habitat For Humanity”, the house turns on Buzzkill (again), and Jess has a breakdown (finally). YAY! Smooches!