You’re Cut Off: Princess Cleaning Services

This week, the girls are put to work and forced to do chores and learn respect for the first time in their lives.

Life Coach Laura shows up at the Middle Class Ranch House. First order of business: Laura informs the girls that pillow fights violence will NOT be tolerated.

One day, I will teach you proper English and you can fight with, you know, WORDS.

Once that is settled, the girls are informed that they will be doing their own cooking, cleaning and chores for the first time in their lives. Erica says that cleaning grosses her out and ruins her manicure. Amber says that NO ONE in her family — not herself, her mom or her sisters –

does laundry.

Or checks their plastic hair in the mirror before they go on tv.

They have a laundry service!! You guys… all I want is a washer and dryer hook up in my apartment. I will DO the laundry myself, I don’t care… I just don’t want to have to haul it out of my apartment to the laundry mat anymore… please God, hear my cries!!!

Where is “Stop acting like ignant hos” on that list?

Enter: Sylvia, the “maid” who is there to help the girls with their chores.

Ok, you can be violent towards the maid, cuz maid violence transcends monetary boundaries.

Life Coach Laura puts up a chore board and each girl must do a specific chore. For some bizarre, unknown reason, drama does NOT ensue over who gets to do which chore. I found this very surprising. As the chore list was put up, I sat there thinking how I’d strategize ways to make sure I got the best chores — such as LAUNDRY. I wouldn’t mind making beds either, nor vacuuming or dusting. Even “garbage” wouldn’t really be that bad… it’s pretty easy to pull the bags out of the can and take them outside. The gross chores like dishes and scrubbing the toilets, I would have avoided like the plague. For whatever reason, they all just stuck their picture next to a chore and went with it.

I didn’t know what any of those words meant so I just stuck my pic there. Screwed!

Or did they? Maybe I’m about to find out why they weren’t so worried about which chore they were stuck with — because they had little to no plans to actually DO their chores. At this point, it starts to become clear to us who is a heroine and who is a villain.

As if we didn’t already know, maids are heroes.

Chrissy sneakily manages to have Sylvia do her chores for her. And her chore was just vacuuming — an easy one. And just when I was thinking that was kind of a pretty good idea of her, a bunch of the girls start doing the same thing and then I realized that was just the way things were scripted. Grrr!!! Erica gets Sylvia to do the yard work, saying that she likes Syvlia, but prefers her own maids — Maria and Carmen. And OF COURSE she speaks Spanish… how else would she communicate to her maids?

It’s made out of cardboard but it looks real perty.

After the chores are all done — most of them by Sylvia — the girls pile into their chic mini vans and head to a mansion that looks like the Kardashian’s.

She’s not just the maid. She’s the HEAD maid. Got it skanks?

Here it is revealed that Sylvia IS a “maid” but that it’s spelled “M-A-D-E” and has the words “self” in front of it and “millionaire” behind it… thus making her a “Self Made Millionaire.” Actually to be honest, the word Millionaire wasn’t behind it… she was just “Self Made”.. but I don’t know.. is that even an expression? It has no ring to it. Sylvia – as it turns out – has built her own maid/cleaning empire and she services the Hollywood elite.

Can we hire you to come clean our house? We’ll give you a check.

Anyway, now the girls are working for HER! And they will be cleaning up the house of one of her most demanding clients. A party was thrown at the mansion last night, and now the Cut Off Ladies will be cleaning it.

Rich people love eating poop. It’s all the rage.

They put on super-cute maid uniforms that consist of pretty pink polo shirts and khaki pants that really seemed to be in the style of their choosing. Whatever — I would totally wear that pink shirt. I like pink.

Jacqueline says that the only time she wore a maid costume before was for HALLOWEEN and that she looked freakin’ hot. So… I’ve noticed something in watching this show. These rich girls all seem to have pretty high self esteem and confidence…. with the exception of Erica, of course. They are pretty interesting and really are kind of different than “us.” I don’t know…. it must be fun to walk around life just KNOWING that you are THE SHIT.

Gia says that she does NOT wear tennis shoes, even when she is working out with her personal trainer. Gia!!! I AGREE!!! I DO wear tennis shoes when I work out (which is rare)… but I’m with you in that I would NOT be seen in public wearing tennis shoes outside of the gym. I feel that’s very lesbian-chic… sorry!!!

Wear less saline at the gym. You’ll run faster.

Made-Sylvia pairs the ladies up and assigns each pair a task. Gia + Erica = the team from hell. Those two are NOT doing any work. When Erica found out Gia was her partner, she realized Gia would not be doing any work… and rather than taking any initiative or doing what SHE felt was right, she followed Gia’s lead and ALSO decided not to do any work.

Leanne and Jess are on a team… a team of good sports!! Jess gets some vomit on her hand… and makes both Leanne and Sylvia smell it to verify.

Um, yup. That’s vomit. Thanks.

Courtnee, Amber and Jacqueline get bathroom duty. They are stuck cleaning up a bathroom full of WEAVE. They are also good sports. Y’all should be thanking me for sparing you from a screen grab of that nasty, clogged up toilet.

You’re welcome.

Chrissy and Pam are on kitchen patrol. Pam pitches in and does her part… I mean, after all, she works on Wall Street, so she knows what hard work is about. Chrissy — she’s not so interested in doing anything and she even disrespects the “Sylvia” uniform.

During the exercise, it becomes even more evident now who is a good sport (or GS), and who is truly spoiled rotten (or TSR).

GS:

- Jacqueline (she is the best sport of all… she’s our Rachel Green….)

- Pam

- Leanne

- Jessica

- Courtnee

- Amber

TSR:

- Gia (she is the arch-villian… fighting with everyone in the house, and rotten through and through).

- Erica… she is sweet, but still spoiled and not interested in doing chores

- Chrissy… has a real attitude problem and truly doesn’t get it

I am so. Sure.

Midway through the cleaning, it is revealed that this is Omarosa’s house. LOLOLOLLLL WHAT?????????? Are you SERIOUS???? You want me to believe Omarosa lives in a mansion???? HOW??? What the HELL does she do for money??? That is NOT Omarosa’s house!!! If that is Omarosa’s house, then I have a washer-dryer in my unit (and I do NOT have that… it’s a life goal I will achieve one day). I know Omarosa is broke and probably living in some shitty studio apartment in Hollywood that she pays $875 a month in rent… and each month, she’s not really sure how she’s going to get the rent money together. Ridiculous!!

Well, Omarosa put on a good act as the queen of the house. I’m sure that’s her fantasy.

Gia and Erica — on strike from cleaning — decide to take a dip in Omarosa’s hot tub.

When Gia spots Omarosa giving her “the stink eye” from the window above, she [and Erica] go inside to CONFRONT Omarosa and take her down a notch. Gia and Omarosa yell in each other’s faces for a few minutes. It was cute.

It takes seasons of whoring yourself out on TV to become as fakely evil as me, you little bitches!! LEARN!

Anyway… finally after everything is done, Sylvia evaluates the Cut Off Ladies (or COLs). The ones who passed the test were rewarded with a massage. If you’re not sure who passed or not, consult my GS/TSR list above.

To prove that she was NOT upset about not passing, Gia told us that was ridiculous to do all that work for “just” a massage. Right when they announced the good girls would get a massage, Gia was like “that’s it??” HAHAHA!! That’s kind of a good point actually, Gia. I was caught up in the excitement for a minute… fantasizing about a good massage. I’ve been doing a lot of blogging lately and could definitely use a massage. But Gia has a point — at what cost?? Would I have unclogged a toilet full of weave for a massage? I dunno… I’d probably be content to wait ’til filming on the reality show wrapped and I was able to go back to living off my Daddy’s dime and get a massage then.

Before they cash in on their massage, there is grocery shopping to be done. There is a bit of fighting over who will go to the store or not. I was a little confused. If I was in the house, I think I would have been arguing to GO to the grocery store. Is it weird that I find shopping for groceries to be somewhat of a religious experience?? I remember when I was a little kid and off school for the summer, my mom would go to the grocery store every Wednesday. I counted that there were ten weeks of summer and I wanted to be sure to go with her every time. Going to the g-store ALONE is lame and boring…. but if I was stuck in a house with no contact to the outside world, I think I’d be glad to get out and do some G-shopping with my other COB’s (or Cut Off Bitches).

Jacqueline, Pam, Courtnee and Amber pile in the mini vans and head to Hows. Hows?? What the hell kind of grocery store is that? Never heard of it! It is an Asian grocery store somewhere East of LA??

They pick up some dog bones for Gia, are freaked out by Pig’s Feet and any meat in general, and then completely go over their $200 budget and are forced to eliminate and PRIORITIZE which groceries they want to keep.

At 3:30 AM, a mosquito flies into Erica and Chrissy’s bedroom.

Chrissy turns on the lights to get rid of the pest and Erica channels her inner Nelly Furtado and Turns Off The Lights.

A battle ensues. What? Yeah.

The next day….

The Good Girls (or GG’s) drive to a “sketchy” part of LA for their massage. They are super creeped out by the BARBED wire in the neighborhood and the bums living under the bridge.

But just when they think this massage parlor is a shit hole they wouldn’t be caught dead in, it’s revealed that ASHTON KUTCHER, LEONARDO DiCAPRIO and other celebs go there. Thus, the massage parlor is redeemed and cool again.

Back in the Middle Class Ranch House (MCRH), Gia and Erica and Chrissy — who did NOT get massages — hang out and fight over who is the ugliest. Gia even *goes there* and brings up the comment that Erica made in “group” about her Dad calling her ugly and fat. Erica wishes she had never said anything about her Dad, who is actually a wonderful man.

Erica proudly displays her Jewish heritage on her chest and tells Chrissy that she needs Botox and that there is no excuse for cellulite.

At the massage parlor, the GGs drink champagne and are massaged by hot Asians.

When they get back from the massage parlor…. a pop corn fight ensues. What? Yeah, Leann thought that the house needed some FUN injected into it, so she popped some pop corn and started throwing it around the kitchen.

Erica joined in, because she really just wants to fit in anywhere, because she doesn’t have any friends in real life. Jacqueline was there too, because she’s our Rachel Greene, and she’s always up for a goofy good time.

For an unclear reason, the pop corn fight enraged Jessica. I think maybe because they were being loud or something?? Jess was also really pissed off at the mess the pop corn fight made, though the fighters were clearly cleaning up their mess.

Things got so heated, that “tampons” and “asses” were brought up. There was a lot of bleeping, so I can’t be sure what was said, but I think someone indicated that Jessica in fact had a tampon up her ass! Pretty tense, y’all!!!

Anyway…. I guess time marched on, and before we knew it, Life Coach Laura appeared and a summit was held to evaluate how the week went.

You’re all still morons. Try again next week!

Some girls are “on track to graduate” and some “are not.” I just don’t really get what anyone is working towards, here. I mean, early in this episode, Life Coach Laura (LCL) said if some of them didn’t shape up, they would be thrown out of the house… but isn’t that a good thing? Thrown out… graduate…. whatever. I thought leaving the house was a good thing? I don’t know.

“On track to graduate” are: Amber, Courtnee, Jacqueline, Leanne, Pam, Jessica

“Failed” are: Erica, Gia, Chrissy

Furthermore, it is revealed that each week there will be a VIP or “Most Improved Princess” award.

This week it goes to Jacqueline. I CALLED it. I KNEW she was our main heroine.

She now gets to live in her own pink master bedroom and have a huge walk-in closet and bathroom to herself [for the week]! Yay!

An empty closet! YAY!

Next week, they are forced to go shopping in thrift stores for clothes… gross!!! Seriously!!! And Perez Hilton will be making a special guest appearance! Since I’m blogging now, should he be my hero?

If you like the recap and/or are a Bachelorette fan, check out my personal blog!! It’s all about The Bachelorette: http://thetakehomemessage.blogspot.com/