Ok, ladies and gents. It’s week two, so let’s see what these dingbats are up to. Anyone hoping for Jowels to get the boot? Anyone else hoping that this week is the week that someone gets murdered whooped with a crouquet mallet? Anyone just hoping for extreme violence and bloodshed? Me too!!! Well, let’s keep our fingers crossed, and off we go!
Sooo, of course we start off with a prolonged montage of what happened last week. Then cue montage of what we are about to see, and AWE SNAP! This week IS the week of the mallet beatdown. Yipee! Well, first we must meet the new hoe.
- New Hoe. Btw- She’s “Cut Off”
Here’s the 411 on New Hoe (which is her name from now on). Her name is Marissa, and she’s from Upper Freehold, NJ. WTF? She “makes rich people look poor”, and she’s a fashion designer. Anyone want to karate chop her throat already? Me too. Here are Marissa’s parents.
And no, mom isn’t telling us about how bad she wants to ring Marissa’s neck. She is telling us about how every night, when she’s tucking Marissa in, she puts her warm wrap around her neck, rubs lotion on her, and gives her her vitamins. Oky doky artichoky. She also has an assistant, stylist, and a hair stylist. She then proceeds to tell us that she’s got $3000 worth of hair. Well, mine cost $130, and it’s 3,000x as fly as hers, but whatevs. Did I mention that she’s got a horrific man-voice? Moving on. She arrives at the house, and this is what we see.
Made a stop at BigBird's funeral on the way
The other girls are looking at New Hoe through the window as Rajorjaw explains to Marissa that she has been cut off. She knows, Razorjaw. Thanks for the update. The other girls are saying that she looks “old”, like “32″. I’m really not in the mood for this shit today. As New Hoe heads inside, Marcey (whom I have recently decided to call ButterBall or BB) says “Jenn (Jowels), you’re in charge of the welcome!” L.O.L. Please don’t make me like you, ButterBall. Jessica says “OMG, BigBird just walked into the house”. Damn you for stealing my joke, Jess! DAMN YOU. Jowels says she looks like a 4yr old tranny. What exactly does a 4yr old tranny look like? Maybe Jowels could provide us with some old family photos as an example….BURN!!! Jowels, who btw is drunk AGAIN, asks New Hoe “What season is that lip gloss? I think it’s summer”. Basically, Jowels is trying to be an asshole by implying that New Hoe is wearing a shade of lip gloss that is more of a spring/summer hue, but she can’t articulate it, looks really stupid, and everyone ignores her. Got it? When New Hoe sees her bunk bed, she refers to it as “poverty children”. Can’t these girls go 1 episode without completely demeaning a group of people sadly less fortunate than themselves? Didn’t think so. Dammit, i’m getting sidetracked by my hatred. Jowels is still talking shit, and Hana is joining in cause she’s a follower and wants to kiss Jowels’ ass.
Nadia is coughing and hauking up phlem, and this noise displeases Jowels and Hana, so they start talking MORE shit. Nadia hears them, and comes into the room to say “I didn’t know you had a magnifying as a glass, and you could see what germs contacted on what person”. That’s an exact quote, folks.
Mad Scientist of Phlem.
She goes on for a minute. As soon as she shuts up and walks away, Jowels goes “Will you bring me a coffee?”. Ok, that was pretty funny. I don’t know why exactly, but it was. And now I hate Jowels even more for making me laugh.
Razorjaw shows up, and informs the girls that they will have to earn $200 a week for food. Poor B.B. How are they going to earn this $200, you ask?
Jowels? (Just in case you forgot how ugly she is).
Jessica tells us that she doesn’t know how to do any of these things (groan,we know) and that she has a housekeeper who is like a second mother to her. Then she can’t remember the housekeepers name. I. HATE. THIS. SHOW. They go back and fourth cause SHOCKER!-no one will do the toilets. Razorjaw tells them to fuck off and die figure it out, so B.B. agrees to do it, and once again, I like her for a second. I DO NOT like where this is going, guys.
So the girls are attempting to do the chores, one of which consists of New Hoe, and Nadia washing one of the vans. And btw- New Hoe is in heels, and Nadia is alternating between Ugg boots and no shoes at all. At one point, New Hoe yells to Nadia that the water stopped “working”, and they can’t figure out why. Hey, Ladies!….
I might know why.
Anyway, this is all really boring, and my bulldog (actually my exe’s bulldog whom i’m puppy sitting) has to go piss, so we’ll return when something interesting happens.
We’re back, and Razorjaw has left the girls a letter saying “Good job on the chores, and in a little while, you will be poolside at one of the most exclusive country clubs”. So, you might be thinking “what kind of idiot would not know that it’s a trap?” Well, my friend, your question will be answered in 3….
Razorjaw asks them who they expect to pay for all this? Guess what! They get to work it off at the Country Club! FYI-I have a huge Joker-like smile on my face right now. So, Jowels makes a sad attempt to argue that she only had one momosa, so she shouldn’t have to work as hard, the other girls say she had at least 4 drinks, and Razorjaw doesn’t give a shit about any of it, cause they’re all dumb bitches, so they’re all gonna work the same. They are sent off to change into their uniforms. Hana decides to modify the blue-oversized polo and khaki trouser uniform by forgoing the pants altogether, and simply wearing the shirt with boots. Nadia decides she’s too hot to wear pants, so she wears this.
Jessica actually does my job for me when she says “Those shorts should be burned. Nobody wants to see your thunder thighs. Nobody wants to see you crotch hanging out. You shouldn’t even be anywhere near the shorts section in the store.” BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Thanks, Jess. The girls present themselves to their new bosses like this.
I’m going to break down the next few scenes so we can get to the good stuff.
1) The new bosses make them wear normal uniforms
2) Jessica and Lauren will work the pool area
3) B.B., Nadia, and Jowels will clean up the tennis courts
4) Hana, Aimee, and New Hoe must wear waders and retrieve golf balls out of the watertraps on the golf course
5) Jess and Lauren do good
6) B.B. does good, Nadia does nothing, and Jowels bosses eveyone around but also does nothing.
7) New Hoe does good, Aimee trys, and Hana just stands there.
The only thing I left out is the part where the boss confronts Jowels about smoking and she says “An hour in my world is like four, and it’s like, American’s rule and that for, like, every 20mins, for 4 hrs, you get a break for every one.” Yes, ladies and gentlemen. This is the girl who has done nothing but call everyone else stupid for 2 entire episodes now.
So, at the end of the day, the girls who tried to work (Lauren, Jess, Butterball, and New Hoe) get to go out on a day of fun. Jess wonders if they will be shopping on Rodeo. WHAT ABOUT “YOU’RE CUT OFF!” DOES THIS DUMB BITCH NOT UNDERSTAND!?!?!?
No, they will be going…..wait for it…..BOWLING! Ok, even I hate bowling. They try to be excited, but all agree that they WILL be bowling in their boots, NOT in ugly bowling shoes. Yeah yeah…that’s what I say every time I get suckered into bowling, too. And everytime, the Bowling Alley Nazi finds me before iv’e even had time to choose a ball, and tells me I must wear the bowling shoes or not bowl. The same happens to these hoes. At this particular bowling alley, the Nazi’s name is “Nolan”. He is a lovely black man who has his hands full with these twits, and they run his ass off, yelling “Nooooolaaaaan!?” every 20 seconds. He’s a sweetheart and spares them their lives. (Damn, you Nolan).
Back at the house, the remaining girls are getting drunk on their boxed wine. Now, Gasmi, I need a little help figuring out what i’m seeing. Jowels is drunk again, but they keep showing clips here and there from the first night that she was drunk. Then they’ll show clips from the current night. I dunno. It’s hard to tell cause she’s always wearing an earth-tone colored shrug-jacket of some sort, and she’s ALWAYS drunk. Not that this is important, it’s just really bugging me for some reason.
Nadia tells us “Jenn (Jowels) has an alcoholic problem. I thought I had and alcoholic problem.” No, bitch, you just have a vocabulary of 25 words problem. She sure is lucky that Jowels is here to make her look like less of a trainwreck. Jeez.
Jowels pulls Aimee’s hair 3x even after she has been warned that “there will be problems” if she continues. Then, she and Aimee get into a sort of hair-pulling wrestling match. Aimee body slams Jowels, then they both have a hold of each other’s hair and are saying (simultaneously) “Let go of my hair, i’ll let go of your hair”, over and over. It’s fucking hilarious.
When the incident is over, Jowels congratulates Aimee for giving her a concussion. If only……aahhhh….if only. Aimee just repeats “You be aight. You be aight.” over and over, and it’s funny. The girls decide to play a little game of crouquet! YIPEEEEEEEEEE!
Guess who’s feeling better?
Aimee says only people that are smart enough get to play. I think she means “sober enough”, but let’s roll with it. Jowels is (GASP!) offended that she is being called stupid, and would like to know where Aimee got her college education. Um…..I might be mistaken, but I had assumed up to this point that a College Education was off the table for any of these ladies, no? Anyway, everyone ignores Jowels, but she continues to follow Aimee asking “High School? Middle school? Elementary School? What’s before that? Kindergarten?” And still, everyone ignores her. Then, she begins to do a cheer, which consistes of her yelling “Gimme an ‘M’! Gimme an ‘M’! Gimme an ‘M’!” LOL. It’s great, and i’m literally yelling at my tv “Gimme a ‘C’! Gimme a ‘U’! Gimme an ‘N’!…” You see where this is going. FINALLY, she grabs a hold of Aimee’s mallet, and madness ensues. Ok. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, for the lack of violence, but YAAAAAAAAAAAAY for the humiliation on Jowels’s part. There was no hitting, just Jowels being slung around like a rag doll, and it’s hysterical. I rewound it like 7 times, and it’s just as funny each time. F-you to production for breaking it up.
It’s time for weekly evals. Whaddya think about the girls’ progress this week, Razorjaw?
In a nutshell? New Hoe wore these leggings:
Nadia is still cross-eyed, and looks like a Picasso on acid:
And Jowels is still drunk and horrendous:
Ok, but for real, though. Lauren, Jess, B.B., and New Hoe pass this week. The rest? BIG FAT FAIL! The VIP this week? You guessed it. BUTTERBALL! What’s that, Gasmi? You want one more pic of Jowels in all her ugliness? Sure, why not.
Till next time!