You’re Cut Off!: Wieners and Whiners

Ok kiddies, it’s Week No.3.  Iv’e just viewed the entire episode, and just like all the others, it starts out slow, then ends with a bang.  You’ll laugh, you’ll cr-….er……laugh some more.  You might cry if your name is Hana, and you’ve just realized you’re a total dickhead.  My bad.  I’m getting ahead of myself.  Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?

You know the drill.  Montage of what we’ve seen.  Montage of what we’re gonna see.  And this week, it’s time for a J-O-B.  Not the kind of job these slores are used to, the kind where you provide a service or produce a product, and get a paycheck as a result.  So, it’s morning time, and a letter awaits our lovely VIP.  Where is our Very Important Princess, anyway?

Spoiler Alert!-She’s in the kitchen

The note says that, again, the girls must do chores.  Since BB did the best last week and was made VIP, not only is she exempt from doing chores, but she also gets to assign the chores that are to be done by the other girls, however she sees fit.  Well, guess who refuses to get out of bed and join the group?  Yup yup.  Hana and Jowls.  So, they get the chore that no one else wants, which is to clean the gutters.  Ha.  How do Jowls and Hana feel about that?  Well, here’s how the conversation went: Jowls- “what’s a gutter?”  Aimee- “Its the place when it rains, and the water falls down like that.”  Hana-

Exaaaaaaaaaaaactly…

Who is the dumbest out of these three?  There is no right or wrong answer, guys.

Jowls has finally gotten out of bed, and she is telling Hana that she left her last cigarette out to see if Nadia would “jack” it.  You see, according to Jowls, Nadia has been “wearing her thin”, and she’s like Nadia’s “sugar momma”, cuz she’s been giving Nadia all her cigs.  Then BB comes into the room to check on Jowls and Hana’s nonexistent progress, and Jowls asks if BB will make her some coffee.  What IS it with this one and others making her coffee?  I may be mistaken, but doesn’t making coffee consist of scooping some grains into a filter, pooring some water into the top of the maker, and pressing a button?  Do they have some sort of special coffee maker that requires more than 3 brain cells, or something?

Bitch, please

So, Dumb and Dumber finally make it out of bed and out to the side of the house to clean the gutters.  Jowls begins to climb a ladder, and I am doing the same thing that you guys are.  I’m trying to telepathically push the ladder away from the roof so she falls flat on her back and we all get to point and laugh.  No such luck.   She says “This is like Fear Factor, dude”.  I guess if there was ever a Fear Factor challenge where the contestants had to climb 3 1/2 feet into the air with someone else holding them steady, then she’d be correct.  Anyway, Jowls gives up, cause she pulls some dirt/mud out of the gutter and decides that it’s “poop”.  Then Hana, Jowls’ delightful little shadow, climbs up and gives up before even touching it because she says “It looks  like pigs, and cows, and horses just shit all over up there”.  Ok.  I’m thinking Hana might be becoming more intolerable than Jowls.  Mainly because she is trying SSSSOOOOOOOO hard to be like Jowls and to impress Jowls, and that’s more pathetic than actually BEING Jowls, no?  Anyway, they decide they feel sick so they need to go inside and drink coffee, and if Razorjaw thinks they didn’t do their chore, then she can suck it.  Alrighty.  Moving on.

Jesus.  Here we go again with the fucking cigarettes.  Ugh.  So now Jowls is asking Nadia for a cig, and Nadia says she will give her one when she’s done getting “ready” (for what i’m not sure). Nadia tells the camera “Like get the fuck outta here.  None of us are friends.”  Grrrr…..did Jowls give Nadia all her cigs, or not?  Apparently not, cause Nadia is acting like she doesn’t owe anyone shit.  Jowls says she gave Nadia 8 cigs the other day, and Nad says she doesn’t care and she’ll give her one when she’s done with her hair.  I have a headache.  Nadia is being really childish, and the entire situation is beyond childish.  Jowls needs a cigarette, like, NOW.

EEK! This bitch needs so much more than a cig.

Ok, guys.  It’s time.  It’s time for the quote of the season.  Jowls?  Take it away, girl!…..

“I have PMS and a GPS.  So i’m a bitch, and I know where you’re at.”

Bitch, you need Jesus!

I SWEAR TO GOD THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!! You KNOW Jowls heard someone say that shit, thought it was brilliant, and has been WAITING for an opportunity to say it.  OMG, these hoes are on a whole different level today. So anyway, Jowls goes outside and bitches to the other girls about how Nadia has smoked 3 packs of her cigarettes.  Uh, 20 seconds ago it was just 8 cigs, but whatever.  Hana is outraged that Nadia won’t give Jowls a cig, so she storms inside to get one, and she and Nadia go back and forth.  Hey Ladies! I have an idea!  How bout everyone just BUY your OWN cigarettes, SMOKE your OWN cigarettes, and when you run out, go BUY yourself some more cigarettes for YOU to smoke!  Am I missing something?  This bullshit goes on and on, and I seriously can’t take anymore so here’s the short version- Jowls decides that Nadia is a selfish bitch, and since Nadia drinks all the boxed wine all day long (Pot?  Meet Kettle), that she isnt allowed to drink any more wine.  Jowls gets a sharpie and makes it official.

That’ll teach her!

Nadia sees it, writes “Ha Ha Ha” on the box with a sharpie, and poors herself a glass.  Man, these chicks get more mature by the minute.  Aimee goes outside to tattle on her to Jowls (um..since when are Aimee and Jowls BFF?), and Jowls decides it’s time for her to “make a statement” as she walks inside.  Some of the girls (including Nadia) are sitting around the table, Jowls picks up Nadia’s cup, smells what’s inside, then this happens.

Statement: I’d rather pour the wine over your head than watch you drink it.

Haha.  Nadia then trumps Jowls by throwing marinara sauce at her head, and sticking a breadstick up her ass.  Ok, the last part is a lie, but it seems so appropriate for the situation.  Jowls’ logic is that what Nadia did was wrong, and what she did was right, cause it was made VERY CLEAR that Nadia was not allowed to have wine, since it is written on the box with a sharpie.  Jeez.  Drunk+Delusional=A BAAAD Combination.  Btw- my sweet lil Lauren (who has seemed to disappear over the last couple episodes) chimes in and says “You guys should be embarrassed.  I’m embarrassed for you.”  Me too, my dear Lauren, ME. TOO.

Jessica takes this opportunity to have a mental breakdown cause she’s tired of “getting caught in the crossfires of everyone’s drama”, and she’s starting to feel very uncomfortable in the house, and she won’t lower her morals for these bitches, and….er…..wait-Whaaaaaaaa?  Does she know where she is, exactly?  Morals are off the table, honey.  I’m just sayin.

The next day.  Razorjaw shows up at the house.  She informs us that the girls continue to fight because they are “way out of their comfort zone”.  Actually, Razorjaw, i’m pretty sure its just because they are miserable, drunk, morons, who’s parents don’t love them.  To-ma-to, To-mah-to.  Since Jowls and Hana didn’t finish their chore, the entire house gets docked $50 this week.  Time for a Gasmi poll.  Who is the worst dressed out of these three?

I’m thinkin it’s BB’s “Moo Moo Flashdance” look

Rajorjaw tells the girls that today they will be getting a “J. O. B.”.  Hana says “I don’t even know what that means”.  Wow, guys.  She’s a clever one.  Great joke, Hana.  I officially hate her more than Jowls.  Razorjaw says that not only do they have to go to work today, they must take public transportation. LOL.  That means it’s time for this week’s ”How Many Politically Incorrect Things Can We Say in 30 Seconds” segment.  Here we go:

30…..29….

1) Nadia- “Do we get a bodyguard?

2) Jessica- “I’m not gonna wear my jewelry today, then.”

3) Hana- “ The only public transportation I take is my personal driver.” (which would NOT be PUBLIC transportation).

4)Aimee- “Homeless people, weird people, and crazy people ride the bus.”

5)  Aimee- “Also people who pee their pants ride the bus.”

….15…..14…..13….

6) Jessica-  “I just don’t wanna catch any sort of disease.”

7) New Hoe- “Does anybody have hand sanitizer?”

……6……5……

8) New Hoe- “I’m really nervous about germs in places that are low income.”

……3….2…..

9) Lauren- (as they exit the bus) “I came out alive!”

….1!!!

Wow, ladies.  Great job!  They are now at their new place of work.  It’s called “ArchiBalds”.  I guess it’s a fast food joint.

” Where is the wine list?”

They are given their uniforms.  Complaints all around.   Guess what, bitches?  I have to wear high-waisted “Jesse Spano” style pants, an oversized polo, men’s black work boots, a pony-tail, and a jacket with reflectors on it to work, an I STILL look fly, so I don’t want to hear SHIT from you assholes.  BB has some insight:  “My mom always told me that I cannot work in fast food.  She said ‘You’ll get ACNE!  You’ll smell like french fries!  You’ll get fat!’ “  Uhhhh………………..My head is about to explode.  Here’s how the jobs are divided up.  New Hoe and Hana- Front counter and drive thru.  BB and Jowls- Grill and fryers. Jess and Nadia- clean up and prep.  Aimee and Lauren- marketing. Here we go! So, on a serious note,  New Hoe is being trained on the register by one of the female employees, and she’s actually being sweet and respectful, and it’s really endeering, I must admit.  But back to this impending disaster.  Jowls and BB are ready to start, and Jowls begins portioning fries without washing her hands, so she decides to keep them for herself to eat.  Okay, this is the part where I start to get tired of recapping, and will now sum up the events of this day.  Jess claims to have a college education.  Aimee and Lauren’s “marketing” job consists of this

Eeeew!

Jowls thinks this is hilarious, and so do I.

Some guy complains that there is a hair on his pickle. (Insert giggles here).  Hana gets promoted to shift manager, and has to train Jowls on the drive-thru to replace her.  This is a total disaster, cars are backed up, and customers begin to drive off, doing this on their way out.

Bahahaha, OUCH!

Hana decides that she wants Nadia and Jess to wear the costumes now, and she DOESN’T CARE which girl wears which costume (REMEMBER this, cause it will be important in about 90 seconds).  So Nadia agrees to wear the hot dog, and Jess will be the fries.  Well, as the shift goes on, Nadia relizes how hot the weiner costume is, and Jess agrees to switch, to make it fair.  Good job, ladies!  Ruh Roooooooooh…..Mngr. Hana is NOT happy.  She goes off on the girls for switching without her consent.  She makes a HUGE drama, and I am thinking the same thing you guys are.  DIDN’T SHE JUST SAY THAT SHE DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT WHICH GIRL WEARS WHICH COSTUME???  Han tells Nads to put on the costume NOW.  Nads says she quits.  Hana says she can’t quit till the end of the day.  Nads says she quits.  Hana tells her (as she’s walking away) that when she comes back, Nads BETTER have the hot dog on.  When Hana returns, she sees this.

“All by my seeeeeeelllf….Don’t wanna be…All by my seeeeelllf…..”

Jess and Nads decided on their own that Jess will wear the fries, and Nads will carry a sign.  Hana catches them going out the door, and starts yelling (right in front of the customers, mind you) “Where the fuck is your costume?  Put the fucking costume on!”  Teeheehee.  What an assclown. The customers have an “Am I really seeing this?” look on their faces, and it’s hilarious.

It’s finally the end of the shift (phew), and Razorjaw has joined the manager and the girls to find out how everyone did.  Hana gets props for being promoted, and the other girls (besides Nads and Jess) say she did a great job.  I, on the other hand, want to stab her in the throat.  Nads tries to express her feelings about what happened, but Razorjaw cuts her off (hehe, get it?) and says that she can say her piece later at evaluation.  Hana gets to decide who gets what on their paycheck.  She decides that Nads will not get one at all, Razorjaw says that is not an option, so she ends up just getting docked.  The other girls get their checks, and guess how much they made?  Well, they got minimum wage, and after taxes, they made $32 each!  Bahahahahahahaha!  Welcome to the thunderdome, assholes!  Oh!  I forgot.  Jowls got docked $2.04 for the fries she ate!  I LOVE THIS EPISODE.  Lastly, I really hope VH1 paid “ArchiBalds” enough to cover all the business they lost on this day.

Back at the house.  Hana has an epiphany.  She concludes that GASP!…she IS NOT better than those people who work minimum wage all day every day.  Congratulations, Hana!  You are officially a real human being.

But I still hate you.  Not as much as I hate the editing on this show.  All the girls are wearing the EXACT same clothes that they had on “last night”.  I guess VH1 thinks we are all as dumb as these chicks, cuz they don’t even try to fool us.

Pre-eval.

Goundhog Day

Pop Quiz, Gasmi.  Is Jowls

A) Buzzed

B) Drunk

or

C) Shit-faced

?????????????????????????????????

D!- ALL OF THE ABOVE!

Time for weekly evaluations.  Actually, it’s more like a 2-day evaluation, but they keep calling it weekly.  NVM-i’m exhausted.  Razorjaw keeps wanting to talk about the “week’s” “lesson”.  Jowls isn’t having it, and keeps interrupting Razorjaw, and taunting her.  Jowls says that the girls should not have gotten docked for her not doing her chore.  She would like to know why Razorjaw decided that she had not completed the chore.  Ummm……

This could be why

Jowls then proceeds to insinuate that Razorjaw is somehow responsible for her anorexic appearance.  This is all really confusing and inappropriate.  Razorjaw has had enough and snaps, “I DID NOT feel like you did your chore, OKAY?!”.

Mental Breakdown in 3….

……2…..

………1!

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd  SCENE!

See ya next week!

Tmurda xoxo