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November 22, 2009

The City: Dates With D-Bags

This week on The Shitty: Whit goes on a bad blind date with a d-bag; Roxy fights with another d-bag; Kelly has to call Whit out on her crap again; and Olivia and Erin don't get along. Did you guys know that? That they don't get along? News to me. Also, for reasons I can neither explain nor comprehend, Cobra Starship (the band, not an actual starship of cobras) meets with Elle. Which is the closest thing to a music video MTV can do at this point.

"Oh crap, I pooped 'em again!"

Continue reading "The City: The City: Dates With D-Bags" »

November 21, 2009

Melrose Place: Cahuenga: Bitch-Kitty Boulevard

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Hi Gasmii--

If you've watched three minutes of anything on The CW in the last month, you know this is the MP episode featuring 90's vixen Heather Locklear reprising her camp-classic role as villainous blonde Amanda Woodward. Having never seen the original series, I can't wax nostalgic for her, but at least the character has a little edge and gets to do lots of scenes with break-out star Katie Cassidy, who should do very well as Amanda's protegee/nemesis.

The bad news? The show's still pretty tired. Things heat up a little in the last quarter, but we have to trudge through endless minutes of the super-not-exciting murder mystery, which heavily involves two characters played by actors who have already been fired, seriously pushing the whole thing ever further into who-gives-a-shit territory. Come on, people-- crafting a deliciously twisted soap should not be this difficult! Bring Leia in for a meeting and she'll lay it out for you.

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Continue reading "Melrose Place: Melrose Place: Cahuenga: Bitch-Kitty Boulevard" »

Heroes: Good Artists Borrow, Bad Ones Steal From Lost

Previously on Heroes: Remember me? I used to do long voiceovers about destiny at the beginning of every episode. Now I just do the "Previously on Heroes" bit. Ever since I made the mistake of shaving my stubble off that one time, I've been trying to work my way out of Kring's doghouse. He told me I could at least be in a flashback this week, so yeah, I guess it's going ok. My name is Mohinder Suresh.


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Miss me?

The carnies are picking up cans off the street, ostensibly because Samuel feels like being green, but probably just to make a little scratch on the side. T-Sam explains to Hiro, still rocking his Knight Rider shirt, that he needs Hiro to go back 8 weeks and find Mohinder. Not to save his life, because that would piss off half the audience. Just to grab an old film before Mohinder can destroy it.

So just what has our favorite stubbly Indian scientist been up to all season? To find out, we flash back to nine weeks ago. Mohinder's in India tutoring on plate tectonics. I thought he was a biologist? Are us dumb Yanks not supposed to know the difference? Mo has got himself a woman, one with a proper Indian accent, not his stuffy British one. She frowns disapprovingly at the cardboard box of Suresh Senior's stuff that he dug up in the New Mexico desert. She wants him to throw it away, and so far no amount of tail she's offered up has done the trick. He puts up a pitiful fight ("it's just hard to let go") and then drops the box in a convenient trash-can sized to fit just right.


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Now where's that tail you promised?

Continue reading "Heroes: Heroes: Good Artists Borrow, Bad Ones Steal From Lost" »

For the Love of Ray J: Still Smashing

This week we learn that Lava is psycho, Just Right is boring, one of the girls smashed a homie (again) and the producers of the show always highlight the women who will be eliminated at the top of the show. Who smashed a homie you ask? I'll give you one hint: It's the celibate one.

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"Celibate means you don't have sex? Well that changes everything!"

Continue reading "For the Love of Ray J: For the Love of Ray J: Still Smashing" »

So You Think You Can Dance: Blackbird Singing On A Tuesday Night: "Why Can't You Leave My $%#@ing Song Alone?"

In a dramatic voiceover Cat tells us that thousands auditioned, hundreds (or one hundred and fifty two) moved on to Vegas, but only twenty got to appear on the crappy new stage (twenty one if you count Brandon Dumlao, which I guess they're not doing). 

We are down to fourteen, and tonight they will battle it out for your votes. In the end, there can be only one.

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Lythgoe was an effete snob! He died on his knees! I took his head and raped his woman before his blood was even cold... hahahaha!  

Welcome! To So You Think You Can Dance (dance.............dance)!

Continue reading "So You Think You Can Dance: So You Think You Can Dance: Blackbird Singing On A Tuesday Night: "Why Can't You Leave My $%#@ing Song Alone?"" »

November 20, 2009

Project Runway Season Finale: Frigid Funeral

Tonight, on the Project Runway Season 6 Finale, bangs lose.

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Amazing Race: Hit the Road, Crack!

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Welcome back to Amazing Race everyone! The leg begins where we left off - Stockholm! Phil reminds us it's the birthplace of ABBA. OMG if they had an ABBA challenge that'd be AWESOME! Team BroMos would nail it.

Continue reading "Amazing Race: Amazing Race: Hit the Road, Crack!" »

THE HILLS: April Fools! I'm off birth control.

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This is what a no-carb diet and PMS looks like


This Hills episode, an extra dose of FUCKING APESHIT. Broahday, Kristin and Jayde all schedule lunchley meet and greets and get all up in each others' businesses. And, HBUD STILL wants a baby, and will stop at NOTHING to get what her hormonal, surgery-laden 23 year old self wants. Plus, did I mention lots of lunch dates? Yeah, there are.

Continue reading "The Hills: THE HILLS: April Fools! I'm off birth control." »

November 19, 2009

90210: And I'll See Your True Colors Shining Through

This week on 90210, Jazz-Hands creeps out Harry and Becky, Matthews looks greasier than ever and both Naomi and Borianna are discovered to be lying jerks. In other news, the writers throw caution to the wind and just kinda ignore anything that happened in the original show.

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Peace out, Jackie. I guess, I didn't know you at all...

Continue reading "90210: 90210: And I'll See Your True Colors Shining Through" »

Ugly Betty: Betty Goes Rogue! Within Her Comfort Zone!

On this falsely advertised as Betty-goes-bad-girl episode of Ugly Betty, we're begin our day at Casa de Nobody Works during breakfast. Betty comes into the dining room as Hilda woo-oohs that Betty got home late - at 10:30pm. I have to admit, I'm usually in bed before then, so it does sound late. Betty says some editors wanted to go out so she went with them. No wonder they called it an early night.

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Wow. Fleshy.

Continue reading "Ugly Betty: Ugly Betty: Betty Goes Rogue! Within Her Comfort Zone!" »

Tabatha's Salon Takeover: Five crappy stylists, one jailbait owner and a tranny in a palm tree.

Episode two of Tabatha's Salon Takeover brings Tabatha Coffey to Miami, Florida to meet with Pablo, owner of Allure Salon. Pablo is barely able to drink and but is on the brink of bankruptcy as owner of the Coconut Grove salon. Pablo took a job at the front desk of Allure out of high school, and worked there for a few years before he was offered the opportunity to buy. Whatever creep sold him the equivalent of a headless parakeet is now out of the picture and Pablo is left to shoulder the massive debt. It's time for Tabatha to intervene.

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She'll find you there.

Continue reading "Salon Takeover: Tabatha's Salon Takeover: Five crappy stylists, one jailbait owner and a tranny in a palm tree." »

November 18, 2009

Fringe: Peter and Tyler's Excellent Adventure

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Saying "Fringe opens with a bang" would be in poor taste, right?

In Queens, two NYPD squad cars streak up the twisty ramp of a parking structure. Sirens blare, tires squeal, the works. Two guys, both wearing suits, both looking sort of tough, stand on the roof in front of a nondescript sedan with a worried-looking teen boy in the backseat. A cop, Officer Gibson, gets out of his car, gun drawn, and orders the men to get on their knees. One of the men tells him he has no idea what he's dealing with. Gibson looks confused. He starts backing up to the edge of the parking structure. Another cop, Officer Williams, asks him what the hell he's doing. Gibson seems to be trying to resist -- he's sweaty and panicky and struggling -- but he just keeps backing up, until he backs right off the edge and falls to his death. Safety barriers, folks. They're a good thing. With the same look of terror-struck confusion, Officer Williams shoots the two remaining cops and then, horrified, puts the gun to her temple and pulls the trigger.

Three deaths by gunfire, one death by falling... No flesh-eating bacteria? No spinal cords getting ripped out? On the Fringe gore index, this barely registers.

Continue reading "Fringe: Fringe: Peter and Tyler's Excellent Adventure" »

DietTribe: Tick Tock, Don't Get Clocked in the Chin, Mary!

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Welcome, welcome. We're thundering home to the conclusion of our 120-day DietTribe weight loss journey. But we have a few pitfalls left to stumble through before we get there. Namely, softball camp, resort restaurant dinner ordering, photo burning, and surfing lessons. Exciting--and random--times. The lesson today, though, is that their former selves were holding them back, and their current selves can rule the world! Suck it!

Continue reading "DietTribe: DietTribe: Tick Tock, Don't Get Clocked in the Chin, Mary!" »

The Biggest Loser: The Thin Red Line

Dear Gasmii, My sincerest apologies for posting this recap of The Biggest Loser so late. You see, I had the flu over the weekend. So I was already experiencing enough intestinal grief without adding this show to the mix. Forgive me?

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If not, then Jillian will kill you.

Continue reading "Biggest Loser: The Biggest Loser: The Thin Red Line" »

Styl'd: Herbie Strikes Again

Tonight on Styl'd, we don't get to see Tara go apeshit on Julie's personal belongings. Styl'd, I'm very very dis'pntd in you.

Continue reading "Styl'd: Styl'd: Herbie Strikes Again" »

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