Our thoughts exactly, Karen

Occasionally, we here at TVGasm.com have a sarcastic or cynical take on the previous night of television.

Recently, we have become the center of attention for our video montage of Scott & Jase which some believe implied some sort of "homosexual" relationship. People have said our video has taken something’s out of context, or perhaps used creative editing to imply homo-erotic themes.

Being the newest member of the TVGasm staff, I feel no bias, commitment or obligations to the social or political agenda of the TVGasm.com machine. I intend on being "Reasonable and Evenhanded."

To that extent, I am going to account the information and allow you to make up your mind on the subject of Jase & Scott.

FACT:

Big Brother 5 houseguest Scott Long posed for one of the largest erotic men’s magazines, PLAYGIRL, in their "Hot Young Hunks" layout. PLAYGIRL's male subscribers outweigh their female subscribers by more than 3:1.

FACT:

On the same night that Holly was being evicted from the house, Jase was making an appearance on the hit show WILL & GRACE on competing network NBC. For those of you not familiar with the television show, here is a brief description obtained from IMDB.com

"Will & Grace are best friends. Will is a gay lawyer and Grace is a straight interior designer. They both live in New York. Also in the cast are Jack, Will's flamboyant gay friend and Karen, Graces' secretary/assistant who doesn't really need to work because she married money several times."

In his brief but memorable appearance on the show, Jack's character described Jase as one of "the best gay spellers from 14th and 23rd street." Some may find irony in that Scott could not spell "Cheese" in the food competition last week. (Though he could spell Cheesse)

Again, I am reporting the information I have and allowing you to make a decision.

To balance what some may say is "damning evidence on their homosexual lifestyle" I would also like to point out in addition to admiring one another’s physique, spending hours primping and grooming themselves, and wearing women’s underwear; Scott and Jase both seemed to admire Holly. While some here at the TVGasm machine with an agenda may make a snide remark such as "They admired her killer hair and fashion sense" or "They admire the fact that she can openly kiss men without ridicule." I will not stoop so low and so shallow at the expense of these two individuals.

Nay, Nay! I shall remain neutral and fair allowing you the reader to come up with your own opinion.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 12:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Whoa! Sometimes Big Brother takes a little while to get going. Let's face it, as much as we hate Scott and Jase and their antics, they were carrying the house. Yes, you can make a case and say if Scott and Jase weren't around bullying people, there would be a more interesting dynamic in the house. Still, they are in the house, and so we have lived with what they had to offer. Some of it was memorable, some of it was not. Overall, I think that many people had a feeling that Jase and Scott, with the help of their Horsemen brothers Drew and Michael, had a stranglehold on the house and were really just biding their time until the game was over. On paper, it looked like the Horsemen had everything wrapped up. But Big Brother isn't played on paper, it is played in a house in the Valley filled with lots of Ikea (probably the store in Burbank).

Now, the good people at Too Much Free Time wonder if Julie Chen is preggers. I'm not sure if Julie, or the Chenbot as they say, has got a little bun in the oven, but maybe I was too distracted by her cameltoe. Anyway, you decide. She did sport a slightly less luminous pair of pants with a lime one-shoulder number. Bet she goes for the shiny stuff next week.

Anyway, Julie is pretty polished at saying "Project DNA" these days, and the status of Project DNA happened to be a major focal point of the house this week. Adria and Natalie happened to be up for eviction this week along with Holly, our favorite Nobel Laureate from the other side of Mulholland. For the conspiracy theorists out there, this was going to be a banner moment of the show. Would the producers somehow fudge the results in order to keep the bombshell that is Natalie and Adria alive?

From the look of things, the producers didn't meddle. Adria, with obvious incentive to keep herself on, worked the house hard. She was in tears after her nomination and desperately tried to make her case to everybody who would listen. Once again, she counted on Karen, Diane, Will, and Nakomis to vote for her to stay. Similarly, she knew the Horsemen who were able to vote, Michael, Scott, and Jase, were against her. Adria's options were to work on Marvin, who could either keep her in outright, or vote for Holly and send it to Drew for a tiebreaker, thereby forcing her to try and convince him.

Adria tried first with Drew, because she has a good relationship with him. They have mentioned before how they had a brother and sister relationship. You might have noticed, but Drew reads The Bible a lot. And speaking of The Bible, you think that being the only book in the house, they may have sprung for a hardcover. It's like some intern left it lying around on accident and they just left it there. And couldn't we get a translated version of the Torah or Koran in there as well? Perhaps the Tipitaka for Holly? But I digress. Adria shares a love of the scripture with Drew and they seem to talk about their faith a lot. Ironically, she makes a similar religious-type appeal to Marvin, telling him how she was put there by a higher power to help the righteous. I am sure that Adra is very pious woman with deep convictions, but as Jase and Marvin were saying later on, God wouldn't want anybody in their house.

It seemed like doom for Adria, but the Horsemen were definitely getting restless. Drew made an appeal to get holly out because he wanted to keep the horsemen together, then was intimidated by Scott and Jase. Scott had a change of heart, or at least realized that Holly would not sleep with him, and suggested that they flip a bitch and vote Holly out. Tome ese Jase! The horsemen then began to go over the scenarios in their head. Unable to keep track of five people on each side, they decided to use some visual aids to help them. "Get the LifeSavers!" says Scott, and so with the aid of the, uhhh, fruity candy, the boys went over the voting scenarios in the open. Jase kept wondering why they were voting out their ally Holly, the cheeze-it in this ensemble, because they would lose numbers. He is probably right, but we all enjoyed thinking Holly would go and the balance of power would likely change. Things got downright snippy as Drew called out Jase for spending 5 minutes with the Horsemen and 24/7 with Holly.

Was there going to be an upset on Big Brother? Would Adria secure a place for her and her sister in the house by staying alive another week? We waited with baited breath as Julie made the call, and Holly was evicted by a vote of 7-1. I was quite surprised that Holly did not start bawling. She looked absolutely shocked that she was leaving, although she might have had some idea since she gave a few gifts to Jase before Julie announced the decision. Personally, it was a stupid decision for the Horsemen, but I have to lay it on Jase. Relationships built inside the house are not built for longevity. Ask Chiara and Roddy or Lisa and Eric. And to be practical, the obvious attachment they shared only creates a bigger target on each member of the group. The game is breaking up alliances, and if you are "in love" with somebody, you would think they have full disclosure. Although Jase promised the Horsemen Holly was not his priority in the house, they couldn't be sure of that and so took her out of the equation.

A lot of people have had a question about Holly's intelligence, and it was probably answered today during the Julie interview. Now, in fairness, if I bump into Holly somewhere in Hollywood or on the Strip, I will give her the benefit of the doubt like she has always asked, but if she breaks out that laugh on me, I'll go crazy. So, Holly went through her exit interview with little of interest to say, although her housemates had some great things to say about her. We continued on the theme of bitter goodbye recordings when Diane came out saying she was happy Holly was gone. I am still waiting for somebody to just come out and say "You really sucked. How do like deez nuts BEEYOTCH!", but Diane was close enough for now. Holly left us with one more precious moment when Julie Chen pulled the Adria/Natalie video out and Holly was literally stupefied by the revelation. It was information overload and Julie had to prod her a couple of times to get a response.

The Head of Household competition was an endurance challenge, so we won't find out the results until this Saturday, but there is going to be a new level of intrigue in the game. With the Horsemen numbers diminished slightly, it's going to be interesting to see who wins HoH. If the Horsemen win, we surely expect Marving to stay in their camp, but if one of the Girls win, does Marvin try to make a play and buy himself a couple of weeks? All of this pales in comparison to the crazy Natalie twist that is coming next week. The alliances are starting to fray and once one of the Horsemen is gone, there is going to be a great scramble. The most dangerous people right now are Jase, who it seems is desperate for revenge after Holly left, and Diane, who now wields some more power without Holly getting in her way all the time. I wouldn't leave out Nakomis at this point, who has a strong alliance, but is clearly thinking about what she needs to do to save herself as well. Will has disappointed me, leaving way too much work for other peoples and not taking the initiative himself, and those who are too passive are often quick to leave.

Posted by J-Unit at 11:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Many people in this country who saw any of the Democratic National Convention were introduced to what seems like a rising superstar in liberal, errr, progressive circles - Barack Obama. We here at TVgasm saw part of the convention, and part of the perks of being on the west coast is none of the convention coverage intrudes into prime time. Obama, who has a good chance of becoming the next senator from Illinois this fall, gave a stirring speech among some duds on the second day. This guy seemed genuinely likable and the crowd seemed all a flutter. He seemed so familiar to me, but I couldn't figure out what it was. Then I realized it. Obama has a striking resemblance to Tayshaun Prince of the Detroit pistons, who is pictured on the right in the picture below. Prince played college ball in the neighboring state of Kentucky and now plays professionally in nearby Michigan. Both are tall and thin. I wonder what Barack's jumpshot is like?

Posted by J-Unit at 11:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Los Angeles: beware. Holly is on the loose. In a stunning 7-1 vote, Holly was evicted from the Big Brother household tonight, officially ending her three week containment on the CBS Radford lot. She had a good run, and she managed to drive a wedge between the Four Horsemen, which was much appreciated. In the end though, Holly's Magic-Marker voice and bubbly giggling got the best of her as even her faux-alliance turned on her. So much for friends. At least Holly knows one person who'll always be faithful to her: her mannequin.

Speaking of inanimate objects, Julie Chen was on hand tonight, as always, to oversee the reliably awkward live episode. Tonight she had either just gotten laid or taken some valium because she seemed relatively at ease, not even scolding the house guests once during the HOH competition. I'm glad Julie was so relaxed because otherwise she might have noticed the giant camel toe she was sporting in her super tight white pants. Nevertheless, Ms. Chen flubbed up only once, and hit all her "But first" cues perfectly. Additionally, she has taken the fine art of the parenthetical aside to new levels. When Julie says "Holly, the model from Los Angeles", we really feel the apposition.

As predicted, the meeting of Julie and Holly was an auditory wonderland: the union of awkward robotic precision and flighty ditziness. The complete disconnect between these two was riveting. When Julie asked Holly about her thoughts on the eviction, we were surprised the model just didn't blurt out "Purple!" Later, during the goodbye videos, everyone pretty much told Holly she was an amazing person, except Diane who kept her valediction to a succinct "GOOD RIDDANCE!". But the biggest shock for Blondie came moments later when Adria and her twin, Natalie, appeared on screen together to say adios. Holly was completely baffled by the sight, and she had an expression that suggested her brain might actually explode, or at least issue a system error. You could see the mental processes all over her face as she tried to absorb the Adria twist. Her eyes seemed to say "Two... Adrias... No... mirrors... Pretty... earings..." Someone get this girl a cold compress.

Also needing some sort of self-medication was Jase who seemed to plunge into a mighty depression with the surprise ouster of his cuddle buddy. No more beard for you, Mister! As the household gathered in the wake of Holly's egress, Jase quietly separated himself from the group so he could have a moment alone by the bathtub. Marvin ambled around the corner, presumably to cheer up his buddy in need. But when the mortician came to an awkward halt, it became clear that all he wanted to do was pee. Marvin scurried over to the toilet with nary a word of support for his lovelorn friend. It was classic misdirection, all on live TV.

Question: Who's the only officially gay male of this group?

I guess I can understand Jase's frustration. After all, the Horsemen did have an airtight plan to get rid of Adria instead - you know, the sort of plan carefully etched out with Lifesavers and Cheez-Its. For those of you baffled by this, the Four Horsemen held a strategy session in the HOH room where they pondered the pros and cons of saving Adria. When the logistics became too complicated, the guys barked that most common of War Room orders: "GET THE LIFESAVERS!!!" Within seconds, the guys had laid out a batch of predominantly red lifesavers, each one representing a house guest. The lone Cheez-It in the mix (don't ask me how it got in there), was reserved for Holly. Normally, I'd think these guys would rely on counting with, you know, their fingers, but I guess desperate times call for desperate measures, which in this case means the sugary abacus that is a roll of Lifesavers. The guys poured over this rudimentary hybrid of Candyland meets Risk with such intensity that it was no surprise that a spate of bickering broke out amongst the quartet. You would have thought a wayward Tic-Tac or Chicklet had entered the mix. Drew, who amazingly had grown some balls since his last sobbing clash with the big guys, noted that every time the Cheez-It inched closer to the door, Jase became more irritated.

“It’s not about the cheese!” yelled Jase. Well, duh. Did he really think Drew had an issue with the actual Cheez-It? Maybe Jase thought they were conspiring to replace Holly with a nefarious Triscuit, or even a Saltine. Personally, I would have liked a shout out from the Wheat Thin lobby, but that’s neither here nor there.

Jase realized he was losing the guys in the heated hard candy forum; so he tried to speak slowly and logically. “Holly, the cracker, would never vote us off,” he explained. You heard it here first. The Cheez-It is pro-Lifesaver! Now, I may have bungled the second half of that quote, but I do know for sure that Jase did say “Holly, the cracker” which leads me to ask one thing: how much more idiotic can these guys get? Was this entire candy/cracker scheme too difficult to follow? Had the nature of the strategy session become so overwhelmingly complex that Jase needed to remind everyone that the sole Cheez-It represented dear Holly? I also sincerely hope the guys realize the cracker only symbolizes Holly and that it’s not actually her. You never know with Scott hanging around. At times I worried the big gorilla might actually swoop down and gobble up the Nakomis Lifesaver. Then the Horsemen would really be confused.

Amazingly, it seems as though the Horsemen have relied on the Lifesavers in previous strategy sessions. I wonder if they keep these pivotal hard candies in a special vault for emergency planning, and which leads me to ask what contingency plans do they have for the inevitable Lifesaver that’s stuck to the one next to it? Does that represent an alliance? Furthermore, was the Cheez-It part of the strategy kit, or was that an impromptu addition? Whatever it was, it wasn't welcomed. I don’t know why the guys were beating up on the poor cracker. Don’t they realize a Cheez-It can be just as delicious as any citrus flavored sucking candy?

Luckily for Holly and Keebler products everywhere, Jase managed to turn the tide back against Adria, who sadly was not represented by any sort of unique snack item (I would have suggested an Altoid). Everything seemed to be going to Jase’s plan, but you can never underestimate the power of a jilted lover. While Holly and Jase indulged in some kissy kissy near the refrigerator, jealous Scott voyeuristically spied on them via that gimmicky monitor in the Head of Household room. It became startlingly obvious that the cockblock had to go, and so began the quiet and surprising ouster of Holly.

I wonder if Holly anticipated her third round eviction. At the voting off ceremony, she presented silly, annoying parting gifts to Jase, but it was Adria who proved to be the one we wanted to shut up. When asked to share some final thoughts with the house before the voting results were read, Adria busted out a filibuster length speech that seemed to go on for time eternal. You could just sense Julie Chen salivating at the thought of cutting her off. Nevertheless, after the house guests endured this endless babble and the awkward send off of Holly, they were ushered into the backyard for… another test of endurance. This time, everyone had to press down on buttons and the last person standing would win. Of course, keeping that button depressed meant standing in awkward, uncomfortable stances. Scott, however, seemed to have no problem assuming the position…

So the amusing episode ended with a cliffhanger as we won’t know until Saturday who will win Head of Household. I suppose I could always go to the discussion boards and read some spoilers, but what’s the fun in that? It’s like using Lifesavers to… eat.

Posted by B-Side at 11:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Question: If you had back hair - and lots of it too - would you ever go on national television to get it waxed? I think most of us would answer no, but contrary to popular intuition, this seems to be a trend on the rise. And guess what? I don't like it. I really don't know where this public backhair exorcism trend came from, but I imagine Kyan Douglas from Queer Eye for The Straight Guy had something to do with it. After seeing the grooming specialist coo multiple victims into the waxing chamber with urgings like "It'll be great, brah" or "Dude, it's awesome", I imagine hirsute fat men across the country decided they wanted in on the action. Maybe that would explain why the hell anyone would subject themselves to an unruly waxing from hell, courtesy of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie on last night's The Simple Life 2: Road Trip. I mean, let's just forget about the back waxing trend for a second. If there's anything we've learned from pop culture, it's this: Never put your health, appearance, or general sanity in the hands of Nicole and Paris.

Oh, and never put your child's education in their hands either. That's what one unwise mom did last night when she permitted Paris and Nicole to help her son, Tyler, with his homework. Drama coach Nicole caused Shakespeare to roll in his grave (and quite possibly throw up too) when she advised her student to rap a monologue from "Romeo and Juliet". According to Nicole, rapping means swaying from side to side while punching the air. It was the sort of lame notion that could only come from Lionel Richie spawn. Amazingly, this wasn't the first time The Bard's words have been turned into clunky floetry. For those longing to see the unholy union of British pubescence and awkward Shakespeare rap, be sure to check out the BBC's Body Story. Believe me, it's worth it.

Paris and Nicole then went on to help with Tyler's physics homework. Apparently he had a quiz the next day, prompting Paris to ask "Is it a pop-quiz?" Um, no. Usually those are, you know, popped on you. Hence, pop-quiz. Paris realized she had made a dumbass of herself and giggled to the camera as if to say "I know America. I don't know how I do it either." Still, there was studying to be had, and I really don't know why Tyler sought the wisdom of these two girls on the subject of physics. After all, these were the two who earlier had traveled around a loop four times looking for an onramp, hoping it would mystically appear.

The study session came to a pleasant close, and the girls dined with Tyler's mom, Laurie, and her boyfriend, Denny - along with their gaggle of motorcycle friends. Tyler even performed a reprise of his Shakespearean hip hop upon a chair in the middle of what looked like a mess hall. By the way, Nicole was kind enough to don a pair of bright red, knee-high, fluffy boots. It was supposed to look chic, but instead she looked like a Clydesdale that had stepped in a vat of tomato juice.

After a commercial break featuring K-Mart's latest attempt to be trendy like Target (the spot featured TVgasm friend George Stults, so we can't bash it too much), the girls went out to their job for the day, which in this case was inflicting pain and embarrassment at a local salon. Actually, the girls seemed right at home in this setting, and I would wager to say that they actually seemed to enjoy the work. Granted, they did have to wax the aforementioned hairy guy's back, but rather than treat the man like a wayward piece of venison, the girls pounced on the task with loads of sadistic glee - going so far as to wax his poor calves as well. Nicole even added a dominatrix touch by saying "Tell me I'm your favorite waxer!"

With the guy's bellows of pain echoing through the placid salon, the manager burst into the back area to find out what was going on. I half expected Paris and Nicole to have the guy in a headlock and yelling "Who does #2 work for!?!?" But alas, they were just giggling. The manager reassigned them to give a pleasant woman a makeover for a birthday celebration later that night. As we've seen in previous episodes, given a chance to perform a makeover on someone, Paris and Nicole drop their usual shenanigans and lose themselves in the task at hand. Unfortunately, that doesn't make them any good at what they do. Nicole accidentally sheared off way too much hair on this lady, and the hair dye transformed the coif into a skunky mess worthy of Christina Aguilera at her worst. The disaster really hit epic proportions though when Paris applied some nasty green and orange makeup to her victim. I genuinely don't think the girls tried to make this woman look as foul as possible, but that's what they did. It was kind of like what you'd expect if Pat Benetar were cast in a remake of "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?"

The lady's poor boyfriend was nonplussed, and I imagine that's because she looked about ten years older than before. Still, Paris and Nicole were so proud of themselves that when Denny showed up to lend them a ride home, they bleached his overgrown handlebar mustache and gave him a faux hawk. Couple this with Denny's biker gear, and suddenly the jolly guy looked less like a Harley enthusiast and more like a leather enthusiast, if you catch my drift. He took it like a champ though, and the girls spent their hard earned money getting the Clap. I'm sorry, I meant the Clapper. Just another romp through the backwoods of America...

Posted by B-Side at 8:59 AM | Permalink

WARNING TO THE AMISH: THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE MAY CONTAIN "CITY LIFE" SPOILERS

Very exciting news!! There is a brand new network on my TV...it is called the UPN.

I have no clue how long it has been there. On that channel it used to be WTN, the White Trash Network filled with NASCAR, WWE, COPS re-runs etc. But, now it seems to have changed to a network that airs silly, mindless and downright stupid shows....just my type.

So let us dig in.

On tonight’s season premiere of AMISH IN THE CITY, the UPN provides a unique look into the Amish journey of discovery, known as rumspringa, as a group of 5 young Amish adults leave their spiritually devout, rural communities to experience life in the big city, with six aspiring actors....sorry, "roommates" from Hollywood.

Let's meet the pack:

THE AMISH:

	Ruth, 20. Factory worker and the oldest girl of 13 children, Ruth was raised on a farm in Ohio in an Old Order manner. Cute and energetic, she had numerous duties on the farm as well as inside the home...and oh yeah, she’s a wicked hot Amish chick.
	Miriam, 21. Waitress and hotel maid. One of 13 children, Miriam was brought up in a religious family on an 80-acre farm in Ohio, growing corn and raising animals. Her father is a bishop, her brother is a deacon and her uncle is a pastor of the church. But she looks smoking hot in a 2 piece, painted on bikini.
	Randy, 24. Construction worker, is one of seven children raised on an 80-acre corn farm in Indiana. As with Amish custom, Randy grew up without electricity in his home or a car; instead, he customized his horse-drawn buggy. In addition to traditional Amish garb, this kind hearted Forest Gump adorns his body with ripped up muscle layered on ripped up muscle with a light and delicate coat of perfect tight tan skin.
	Jonas, 20. Construction worker, was raised in a strict Old Order manner in Iowa. Sharp, independent and confident, he enjoys riding horses, playing pool and reading. A self-described "bad boy," has been known to say "shit."
	Mose, 24. Construction worker/former teacher. Mose grew up on a farm in Wisconsin, working the fields and laboring in the family sawmill. Raised in a strict Old Order manner, he taught school in his community for three years. Intellectual, mature and artistic, he invents and constructs gadgets and toys in his spare time, often giving them as gifts to friends and family. One of his numerous inventions is...a stick. Ok, this dude is seriously Amish.

THE CITY KIDS:

The pack of city kids is a perfect blend of cliché, crazy, ignorance and cleavage. A perfectly fair introduction to a bunch of Amish kids exploring the city to make a life altering decision on whether or not to leave their family and friends for an Xbox and tivo.

	Whitney is our token black girl. Something foreign to the Amish folk who when asked if there were any black Amish kids Miriam replied "I have a friend who gets real dark in the summer time." Not only is there a black chick in the house, but she’s from South Central LA and she speaks her mind. I sure hope they balance her with a crazy white chick.
	Ariel is a Vegan waitress from Los Angeles and thinks cows are from outer space. She is a prime example for the argument that life is so much easier when you're hot. This yoga enthusiast who believes she senses the alien life within cows, is the life of all parties. With such fun quips as "eggs are just chicken abortions" she is sure to prove a valuable member of the reality TV family.
	Kevan, the half Persian half White guy spends his time teaching children how to swim, which would be so sweet if I wasn't convinced he's only doing to be able to tell a chick "I teach little kids to swim." It's not that I’m a cynic; it's just that I'm jealous.
	Meagan is the sexy, charming, funny, good-looking, multi-talented, smart, sexually charged fashionista. Don't believe me? Just ask her. The only thing more distracting than her pomposity is the confusion when one sees she's really an average looking girl who just doesn't get it.
	And of course, there is Nick. I truly love Nick. This Bostonian seems to be the only one of the housemates I may actually hang out with in my own life. He's loud. He speaks what he thinks, and his accent makes me giggle.
	What?! NO GAY GUY?! Of course there is a gay guy! Good ol' Reese. This overly plucked club promoter from WeHo (West Hollywood for those of you not in the know) make the Fab 5 look like the A-team.

Episode one lured me in with the promise of seeing silly naive Amish kids interact with smart sophisticated city kids, but brilliantly switched it up. Though the city kids may know how to use a parking meter, they have a lot to learn about life.

When the city kids arrived to the mansion, it was not unlike the real world season opening. Young kids plunged into a new hip environment and all seems well and familiar. Until the Amish arrive. They stand outside a glass door lined up side by side in their simple garb and ring the doorbell. Reese and Ariel rush to the door look outside and refuse to open the door until all the other housemates have had a chance to look out the door, gawk at the people who share cultural differences, and scream "Oh, absolutely not!" "They're freakin' Amish" and "HELL NO!" while the Amish kids just stand there in silence. Finally, the city kids open the door to the house, but not the door to acceptance. In terms of non Amish society, we don't necessarily put our best foot forward to welcome outsiders.

Especially when it came time to choosing who sleeps where. 11 people. 2 rooms. Nick managed to once again hurt the Amish when he screamed through the house that he won’t live alone in a room with "these people." At this point, I was expecting one of them to go CHILDEREN OF THE CORN on these people, but no. That god fearing Amish once again, let it slide.

Even when Reese declared "They gotta change before they go out with me in Hollywood. Period. End of story!" the Amish remained stoic. Living up to stereotypes, our overly jaded and sarcastic gay man mentions that "we need a makeover here, immediately!" while waving his hands in the air, and wavin' them as if he just don't care.

After they change from boring to whoring, the ladies of Amishville are starting to give this show a little sizzle.

Mose, the inventor dying to be city cool, tries to break the ice and get in good with the city kids by showing them one of his super-neato inventions...a stick. A "Beano" stick, which is misleading since there are 2 sticks. You rub them together and the spinning thing goes one way..but then you say Beano.. and it goes the other.... and it's got ridges....and -- ok so it’s a stick, but point is Mose tried.

Nick, god bless him, finally realizes, "Wait a tick. I think Amish people, are PEOPLE....with FEELIN's!" and goes up to Jonas and apologizes, explaining it was just a shock and unexpected and not to take it personally. Finally a shred of humanity from one of the city folk.

Could things be changing? Might the city kids begin respecting the Amish?? We would have to wait to see, because up next SHAVE DOWN THE HAIRY AMISH GUY! That's right, Mose who was deemed "too hairy" by Kevan, agreed to be stripped down and publicly shaved of his body hair. Welcome to LA, Mose.

The next day as the girls sunbathe by the pool, Randy walks out sans shirt and the city women are loving it! Meagan, not realizing that the Amish hunk with the jacked teeth is out of her nearly transsexual looking league, rants about how nice he is to look at.

Lusting after forbidden fruit was the theme of the morning as Reese was getting some private time in the gym with Kevan, who agreed to help whip Reese into shape. Reese, either not realizing or not caring that Kevan is straight confessed to deliberately doing stretches wrong so Kevan would come and touch him to adjust him. That sly fox.

That afternoon the roommates find out they are going out for the first time as a group. Mose is nervous and excited to be riding in a big black thing (limo) and on a street with cars all "going the same direction."

Their exciting night begins with being whisked away to an exciting, magical place...a dirty rooftop in West LA. I guess they blew the budget on the limo rental. Overlooking the city, it’s not just the Amish who are having a surreal moment. Insane Ariel is in near tears as she tries to imagine what it would be like to go from fields of grass and cows the city, and sees that we have ruined nature "with a concrete mess". I didn’t know whether to roll my eyes, puke or just slap her. I thought she was INSANE, but it seems our crazy 227 token black girl also felt a spiritual "Praise Jesus" moment as she went hysterical realizing she had never seen the city before either, and she lived there. I have no clue what the hell she meant by that, but it concerns me that she is living somewhere in my city.

Next, the kids were off to dinner at what looked like a fancy backyard. The main course SUSHI. The Amish didn't seem as confused or impressed by the food as they were with the chopsticks. All of whom eventually gave up use of the tool and resumed dining with their hands. That is to say all accept Mose, who especially liked the chopsticks as it reminded him of one of his inventions, the "Beano" stick. During dinner the Reese crush on Kevan was building up momentum as the normally heavily bittered and lightly heeled Reese playfully flirts and whimsically giggles at all things Kevan.

The now full and mostly drunk off saki batch of kids are lead back to the house where they sit outside and bond over cigarettes and booze. Reese, now realizing Kevan is straight and feeling shot down, begins a flamboyant and drunken attack on Kevan. Out of nowhere he begins a verbal assault on Kevan insulting him head to blue toe. Kevan being very reserved and not too excitable, quips back about Reese's feet being so messed up he has to cover them with his socks. Reese defiantly rips off his sweaty nasty socks and slaps Kevan across the face like a jilted love in Elizabethan times. Kevan responds by Leaping out of the chair and flipping Reese out of his chair onto the ground then comes running at him. What happens next is truly, amazingly, high actionly, unbeli-- CUT TO COMMERCIAL. '

I hate when they do that.

We come back from commercial to once again see the sock slap, the chair flip and then....nothing!!! They tussle for about 2 more seconds, cut to the Amish chick in shock, then it’s done. Damn you UPN!

Then a lot of nothing happens until the vegan is giving the chore to go grocery shopping for the house with 2 of the Amish. Keep in mind, the Amish have never been to a grocery store and vegans, well they can be a little insane. Not necessarily the group I want deciding what I want to eat for the week. The housemates all made requests for specific foods. Kind hearted Mose, truly tried to make sure that all the food asked for was bought. Completely insane vegan Nazi Ariel however had other plans. When Mose suggested they get yogurt, a requested item, Ariel modified the request and bought soy-gurt. Her philosophy, "milk is essentially cow puss and when it gets in your system, it like...makes you sick n stuff." When it came time to buy the meat, Ariel posed the question "it’s like a Viking, tearing off the leg of an animal. it’s like barbaric you know?" to which sassy short skirted Ruth replied, "Not really."

This all may seem fairly tame and benign. She’s is, after all, just a vegan. I submit she is truly mentally unstable. She actually believed cows....are aliens....from outer-freakin'-space! And no, she's not kidding. she doesnt believe "All cows are beemed down from outter space," I mean hey, that would be silly. Only, some cows are space aliens brought down to our planet. Makes me wonder what E.T. would have tasted like with some special sause, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions one a sesame seed bun.

PART 2 coming soon.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 11:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

After Saturday night's "cheesse" debacle, we really thought Scott couldn't out-do himself in the wonderful world of elementary vocab. But lo! Last night provided brand new lexical challenges to our simian houseguest. Poor Scott was confounded by "confide", a relatively arcane and obscure word that is rarely put to use in Modern English. And by arcane and obscure, I mean common and basic. Scott, whose induction into Reality Idiot Hall of Fame has been a focal point of this summer, continues to amaze with his unwavering density. It's no wonder therefore that he, Jase, and Holly have forged a trifecta of mental vacancy that threatens to destroy anything and everything in its path. God bless Big Brother.

Aside from the "confide" incident, Scott kept his idiocy at normal Scott levels - which really meant that in between bubble baths with Jase and late night ball scratchings, he spent most of his time sauntering around shirtless, babbling about who knows what. His moment of glory came when he and Jase, who had previously hugged and kissed Drew in a show of support, beat up on the Head of Household for his nominations. Turns out the two guys were not so happy about Holly going up on the chopping block. For those not paying attention, Holly is Jase's cuddle buddy, and on Saturday she became the apple of Scott's eye too, but methinks he just wants to get with her because it will bring him closer to Jase.

Nevertheless, Jase and Scott full on bullied Drew about the picks, causing the poor kid to burst into tears. Drew explained that Holly was getting in the way of the Horsemen, a theory that was swiftly shot down by Jase and Scott. Yeah, Holly's completely not interfering with the Horseman's strategy. It's not like she's causing them to turn on each other or, you know, break into tears or stuff like that.

For her part, Holly spent the past few days moping around the house. She endeavored to have a heart to heart with Drew where she whined "You have this conception of me that is wrong". I think she meant "misconception" or maybe even "perception", unless of course Drew somehow conceived Holly. Hey, Project DNA...

When Holly wasn't laying down the malapropisms, she was curled up in an empty bathtub. It wasn't the strategy I would have adopted, but you know, claiming that bathtub is pretty impressive given the number of Jase/Scott bubble baths that go down. I guess those guys need to relax their tired muscles after a long day of pretending to be younger than 30. In case you missed the soundbyte, Scott commented that he is only 25 and Jase is 28 - a questionable fact that Karen so amusingly pointed out last week. I guess Jase's crowsfeet and Scott's thinning, graying hair may have led me to believe they were both over three decades old. No worries though.

I guess age isn't always a bad thing. Some of pop culture's most beautiful people are getting up there, like 40 year old Brad Pitt - aka Jase's disturbingly intense man-crush. Jase's CBS.com questionaire noted that he was a fan of Mr. Pitt's, but to what extent I was unaware. I mean, this guy talks about Brad Pitt nonstop. Even when he's hooking up with Holly he talks about him. The saddest part is that Jase actually thinks he looks like Brad. I guess he's sort of right: I mean, they're both white and have arms and legs. Marvin had the most amusing comment about this topic when he noted that Jase looked more like an arm pit than Brad Pitt. It was nice punnage, and I respected it.

The entire household seemed to mock Jase behind his back about his Brad Pitt fixation, including Diane, who's never been shy about her resentment towards the Four Horsemen. Later in the episode, after she had lost the veto, Holly asked Diane why she didn't give her a pity hug. Diane, taken aback by the startlingly dumb question, uttered some lame excuse, and I won't go into the details, but the incident exploded into a fullscale battle of the dunces. Diane, thankfully, has what appears to be a head on her shoulders and she quickly reminded Holly that Scott and Jase go around hugging each other for any minor victory, whether it be for Head of Household or because they opened a can of tuna. Nevertheless, when Diane dared to mention something about the different sides in the house, Jase and Scott played dumb, or, uh, dumber.

The Four Horsemen defensively rejected the accusation that they had any sort of alliance and insisted there were no sides in the house. Yeah, just because the Four Horsemen lock themselves in the Head of Household room, share clothing (and baths), and embrace at any possible moment doesn't mean they're actually in an "alliance", whatever that is. Jase tried to turn everything on its side with a little "I know you are but what am I?" logic by saying that Diane had just revealed HER side. Diane was unphased by this, so she finally left the logic vacuum that was the conversation and returned to her friends outside.

Jase was determined to rattle everyone though, so he poked his head out the screen door and revealed Diane's alliance to... her alliance!!!! The alliance took the news about its existence pretty well, and inside, Jase cackled with a self-satisfied air. Was it me, or was this incident the equivalent of Jase going up to a woman and saying "Ah ha! You're a woman!"

I guess I can't expect too much out of Jase. After all, this is the man who would rather waltz around the house wrapped up in a comforter than ever deign to put on a sleeved shirt. With tomorrow's vote threatening to be a close tie, my only hope is that Marvin comes to his senses and drops out of his lamely titled "Santa Monica Van Boys" alliance and votes off the one he's despised all along: Holly.

Posted by B-Side at 12:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Sometimes I think I am really quite adept at observing all of the personalities on Big Brother and then coming up with a feel of how people in the house are positioning themselves. Other times, especially with this cast, I am left stupefied by what actually ends up happening in the house. I understand that the houseguests don't have the advantage of seeing everything that is going on in the house with nice little subtitles when people whisper, but you would think that as they line themselves up to vote out a third person, somebody would have developed some sort of awareness for the alliances forming in the house. This is clearly way too much to ask of the current houseguests.

Yes, there is some sort of ambiguity inside the Big Brother house as to the obvious power inside the house. As Mike was telling everybody in week one, and has become eminently clear to us viewers at home, Scott and Jase are the strongest duo in the house and along with Michael and Drew, form the Four Horsemen who have orchestrated enough of the game to have removed their choices in the previous two eviction ceremonies. Scott and Holly are joined at the hip, so Holly is at least an adjunct to the Horsemen. Marvin mistakingly believes he and his macho schtick are also in tight with the Horsemen and even tried to suggest "Santa Monica Van Gang" as the name of the new group.

What's left? We have Adria, Nakomis, Diane, Karen, and Will. They are a decent bunch, but only Nakomis has the ability to actually play the game. She has a subtle quality to her personal interactions with everybody, so as not to alienate anybody but, as her diary moments attest, she can think for herself and knows you can't implicitly trust anybody in the house. Adria seems to have both things as well, but she has so much on her mind involving all of the switching with her sister that her head is not always in it. Diane has the attitude, but too often fails to hold her own in confrontations. Karen isn't doing anything after being up on the block last week and Will is trying to lay low as long as possible.

The veto competition dominated this week's episode. After nominating Holly, Drew caught the ire of many of his teammates. Drew correctly assumed that Holly was a divisive force among his alliance and believed removing her would solidify the Horsemen. The problem with this idea is that Scott and Jase believe that they both have a chance at a solid piece of Holly, so neither of them really wants her to leave. Jase tries to rationalize his thoughts of saving Holly by talking about the numbers game. He is partly correct because keeping Holly and removing somebody from the Girls alliance does keep Holly's vote on their side. But if Jase was really interested in the numbers game, they could easily vote off Holly and keep Marvin, who is looking to hitch his wagon to anybody at this point. I personally think that Jase wants to keep Holly around because he knows that he is going to be put up at one point and keeping Holly means that he is always going to have at least one vote in his favor when the time comes. Eventually, the Horsemen convince Drew he made a bad mistake and that he must nominate either Marvin or Adria when they win the veto and take Holly off. These guys actually brought Drew to tears with all of their subtle people skills.

How were they going to win the veto? Holly was going to pick Jase, Drew would pick Scott, and after informing Nakomis of the new plan, she would pick her brother Michael, making it 5 people out of 6 who would be willing to pull Holly off. The problem with the plan is that Nakomis has a head on her shoulder and knows that the Horsemen don't care about her, but rather "keeping Jase and Holly together for another few weeks". Somebody was looking out for the viewers this week because Nakomis won the veto challenge, meaning that Holly would almost certainly spend the time on the block for the rest of the week. Diane, elated that Holly wouldn't be saved for the second week, bounced over to Nakomis and gave her a hug.

Now, although it is perfectly acceptable for Scott and Jase to hug each other, pump fists, clap, and such if one of the Horsemen is able to wipe their own ass without incident, such behavior is prohibited for the rest of the house. Jase decides to confront Diane about the celebration and Holly complains about not getting a pity hug from her. While holding back laughter, Diane mutters something vague about teams in the house. Jase hears team and asks Diane about her alliance. Diane says nothing other than it is fairly obvious there are different sides of the house. Jase and Holly decide to call out Diane in front of her alliance members, and one of the greatest confrontations of the year breaks out. With a great sense of accomplishment, Jase is proud that he has exposed the alliance tells Diane how much trouble it's going to be for them now that they know.

This is where my cognitive dissonance comes to an end and I must wonder what the heck is going on in the house. Will seems particularly upset that Diane has let the cat out of the bag. I start to worry about the viability of Will and have concern over his longevity in the house. Again, I receive an edited version of the events each week from CBS. I don't have the live feed, so I can't comment on how much goes on for 99% of the time in the house, but the divisions have been abundantly clear. You have the Horsemen plus one or two, and everybody else. It's amazing to me that Will, Karen, Diane, Nakomis, and Adria may not understand that their first priority should be breaking up the Horsemen. None of these people have to be friends or have a particular tight alliance that takes everybody forward. In fact, I believe as soon as Scott or Jase leave, the house becomes more fluid and many more people fend for themselves. Again, I suspect many believe that they have a better chance by playing not to piss of the strongest players in the house. Bravo! I applaud all of those idiots in their quest for seventh place on Big Brother 5.

Nakomis obviously uses the veto on herself and Drew nominates Adria in her place, solidifying his status among some of the most spineless characters on reality television this year (only Dennis from the Amazing Race could be considered worse). Conventional wisdom says that Scott, Jase, Michael, and Marvin will vote to keep Holly and Karen, Will, Nakomis, and Diane will vote to keep Adria, leaving a tiebreaker vote for Drew. Drew is really perfectly safe with either choice. Vote for Adria to go and the Horsemen seemingly solidify his status in the group despite his mental lapse. Vote for Holly to go, and everybody else is happy, and Drew has an advantage should the Horsemen ever lose their dominance.

And we can't forget the plight of Adria and Natalie. They still need two weeks in the house to secure a spot for both of them in the house. Obviously losing Adria this week would be a huge blow to those prospects. Yet, if you listened to the Big Brother promo during the Amazing Race, the announcer stated that, if Adria was voted out, her twin sister would enter. Some may cry foul, and I do believe that the producers always had this trump card should Adria fail to make it tot he fifth week. Nakomis and Michael have shown little intrigue in the first project DNA twist, so there is little reason to believe the producers would simply retire the other twin without some interesting way of introducing the twist to the houseguests. They only said that if Adria made it five weeks, both sisters would be in. They never mentioned what would happen if Adria left the house. By placing Natalie in the house if Adria leaves, you would think that she would be at a disadvantage. However, with the animosity Scott and Jase have already created, she would likely be welcomed in with whoever was looking for a numbers advantage. This Thursday will be a very exciting eviction, to say the least.

Posted by J-Unit at 12:45 AM | Permalink

What is with The Amazing Race? Don't the producers know that reality TV is supposed to rely on cow eyeballs and donkey rectums to gross out contestants? Last week the show forced contestants to nibble on chocolate. This week the big challenge was caviar. We know this is the classiest reality show on television, but must they rub it in our face? Oh, but I kid. I'd much rather watch these teams cry and shake and even growl in the face of a fish ovulation than endure another outing with rotten intestines and yak brains on The Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

Now, I don't mean to harp on this whole caviar thing, but don't these people realize how fortunate they are to shovel oversized spoonfuls of this delicacy into their mouths? I mean, a fraction of these servings would cost an arm and a leg, let alone a two pound bowl. Now I know that two pounds of any food is a bit much, but let's not forget that this wasn't exactly nasty brussel sprouts they were chowing down on. If any generous soul out there wishes to purchase a kilogram of caviar for me, I will demonstrate just how easy it is to polish it off in no time.

Alas, my love of caviar is not shared universally, as evidenced first with Colin and Christie. After last week's first place finish, the two Texans continued their domination tonight by making smart travel decisions and easily navigating through a detour that had them doing vodka shots off a sword. With a healthy lead that was all theirs to lose, Colin and Christie faced their biggest adversary yet: a bowl of caviar. Christie was apprehensive about taking on the roadblock, but Colin passive aggressively persuaded her into the food challenge anyway. It may not have been a smart move since the former beauty queen displayed the intestinal fortitude of a drunken vertigo victim, but I welcomed the sight of Christie completely devolving in a quaint Russian restaurant.

Colin and Christie have never been a totally, uh, interesting team, but I've occasionally enjoyed Colin's psycho-killer game face, and tonight he busted it out in full force. As Christie languished with her bowl of caviar, Colin stared her down as if she had not only killed his family, but urinated on their graves. Occasionally he attempted to be supportive, but those ill-fated gestures usually wound up as passive-aggressive questions like "Do you want to mix the caviar with the juice?" or "Do you want to take smaller bites" or "Do you want to not suck at this mission?"

The normally contained Christie seethed with rage and obliged us with a bitter outburst that probably had half the production team running for cover. As these two went through a cycle of crying, glaring, complaining, hugging, and yelling, plucky Christians Brandon and Nicole arrived at the restaurant, only to suffer at the hands of the caviar smackdown as well. It's been a difficult trip for the models/über-Christians/professional whiners. In tonight's episode, they joined and then skipped out of yet another alliance, claiming that they needed to be ruthless. And by ruthless, they meant sobbing on a pile of blankets and sipping tea in a restaurant. Nicole looked as if she were eating the spawn of the devil himself, but doesn't she realize that fish are supposed to represent Jesus and therefore fish eggs are... baby Jesuses? Okay, maybe not. By the way, major props to the producers for snagging a shot of a bunch of nuns filing by clueless Brandon and Nicole at the airport. There really was no significance to the shot, but it was oddly funny.

I'm glad there was some levity at the terminal because the race had turned pretty ugly at the airport, and earlier, at the bus station. When a civil, ordered queue for bus tickets completely dissintegrated, the show turned into a momentary squabblefest that was worthy of a Bunim/Murray Production. Amidst all this, stubborn Charla and Mirna managed to piss everyone off, especially Colin and of course Lance and Marshall. Then again, who aren't Lance and Marshall pissed off at? Every two seconds they're calling someone else a scumbag. Now come on guys. What's with all the scumbag lines? Can't you at least kick it up to douchebag?

Of course, Lance and Marshall's PG putdowns had no affect on Mirna, who as a lawyer comes into contact with degenerates every day. Luckily, Mirna is able to tune them all out because she has God and Charla by her side, and therefore she will prevail. I wasn't so sure if that would be the case when the duo faced an onslaught of setbacks that couldn't be overcome by awkward utterings of "Amigo", "I need el doctoro", and "Rapido! Rapido!" The two were almost left behind the pack when they couldn't find tickets to St. Petersburg, but somehow they managed to find the last two boarding passes in all of Argentina. Once in Russia, Charla and Mirna opted to block hockey pucks for the Detour, a task you would think would be difficult for a dwarf, but again, the girls passed with flying colors. I will note that it was all worth it to see Charla don a mini hockey uniform that made her look like Maggie Simpson in her star shaped snowsuit.

Eventually the gals joined the flock of teams languishing in caviar hell. Charla was the only one who seemed to actually enjoy the food, but she was by no means the fastest. That award goes to Chip, who pounded the delicacy as if it were... um... a delicacy. Chip's swift consumption propelled him and his wife to a joyous first place finish, while Colin and Christie had to settle for the lowly silver medal. The two were on the verge of tears as Phil (who was resplendently decked out in a comfy but awkward down jacket this week) announced their second place finish. Colin looked like he wanted to beat his poor girlfriend - which TVgasm does not condone - and Christie looked like she had just survived her own personal Edward Albee play.

Marshall and Lance took the bronze with Charla and Mirna on their tale for fourth place. Meanwhile, Brandon finally coaxed Nicole away from some sort of caviar-induced coma and motivated her to finish off the blasphemous dish. I couldn't help wondering if her nausea was due to the food or Brandon's grating toddler talk: "Just two or three more bites and you're done. Just two more. Good!!!"

Crammed into the end of the episode were the travails of the twins, the bowling moms, and Bob and Joyce. These teams didn't have much screen time this week, and there was a mild effort to make the last two minutes seem exciting when it was clear that Bob and Joyce had fallen way behind the pack. Still, we did get a few gems such as when Kami (or was it Karli?) seemed to have a seizure at the hands of the notorious bowl o' caviar. Later, when the two crossed the finish line, Kami (or was it Karli?) shivered and scowled with the angry look of that little girl in "The Ring".

The bowling moms stayed fairly low key during the episode, managing to keep their endless enthusiasm off camera for much of the time. Linda practically inhaled the caviar, which nicely cushioned their lead over the shaking and twitching twins.

Poor Bob and Joyce fell victim to a badass layover. The producers played twinkly sad music as we watched the two complete their final challenges. It was a touching moment, seeing these two widow/ers give it their all when they had clearly lost. I only had one question on my mind: Do these two actually have sex? Ew, no that wasn't it. What I wanted to know is why didn't they just go for the Fast Forward? That's usually the logical choice if you're in last place. Oh well. Not everything makes sense in the world of Amazing Race. But at least it's exciting.

Posted by B-Side at 12:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

The Scott and Jase video has moved! We had over 15,000 downloads and used up all of our bandwidt for the month. The good people at Fleshbot offered to mirror the file for us so you can now download the movie here.

What do you think about the movie? Write your comments here.

Posted by B-Side at 11:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (105)

Tonight, on the opening night of the Democratic Convention, while countless networks devoted airtime to the political arena, MTV opted to offer its own ode to the democratic process: Road Rules: X-Treme. Yes, after failing another mission, the tight clan of travelers had to vote one of their own off, but who would get the boot this time? Would it be Derrick, whose strengths in homophobia don't always equate to challenge victory? Would it be Patrick, whose Ben Affleck appearance spells impending doom? Would it be Ibis, whose rapidly expanding waistline threatens to take down the team? Would it be Kina, whose illegal tree drawing compromised the dignity of the RV? Or would it be Jodi, whose goofy faces and public displays of affection bring an unwanted touch of Andy Dick to the proceedings? The only one safe was Nick, the new kid on the block that everyone seems to avoid like the plague. The drama was killing me, and because Tivo chopped off the final two minutes - AGAIN - I really don't know what happened. And guess what? I sort of don't care.

Okay, I care a little bit. I am writing this column, after all. It feels like it's just been two weeks since the kids had to vote someone off. Oh wait. It was just two weeks ago. Well, it looks like when the mechanics repaired the RV, they added a revolving door because no sooner had Danny gone and Nick arrived, it was already time to say adios to another goofy cast member.

I suppose we knew there'd be trouble in paradise when the producers prefaced tonight's show with a succinctly anti-Jodi package of clips from previous episodes. Topping this off was a notable flashback of the group swearing that if they fail another mission and have to vote off another member, they'd pull names from a hat. Hmmm... wonder what's going to happen this episode?

Bunim/Murray officially ushered in tonight's episode with a quaint birthday party for Kina. Her roommates found her a supposed piece of cake for the big 20th birthday celebration, but as far as I could tell, it looked like a massive turd from the puppy. After this little fête, the roomies opted not to take out the garbage but to hit the Chilean night life. Jodi and Kina got drunk, found a British guy who they both thought was hot, and in a matter of moments, Jodi was all over him. Later she shrugged it off - a kiss is just a kiss, no big deal, right? Well, considering that's the second time it's happened this season, I'm sure her boyfriend waiting at home will have something to say about that.

Nevertheless, Kina channeled her jealousy into misdirected anger at Jodi. Somehow she managed to chalk up the entire incident to "bad communication" and then refused to talk to the Jodester (like that?) the rest of the night. During her interviews, Kina complained that Jodi becomes a slut when drunk and is just an overall cancer to the team. Listen Kina. I'm sorry that you didn't get some Englishman nookie, but seriously, give it a rest. Just be happy for your friend.

All dramatics aside, the team had another challenge at hand. Our favorite passive aggressive mission mayors resurfaced to detail the latest convoluted rules of the game. This time around, the Road Rulers had to jump from a helicopter and land in one of three diamonds. Each diamond had a point value, and of course the smaller the diamond, the higher the value. Great. Okay, let's start this thing. Oh wait. More rules. I won't get into it, but there were all sorts of stipulations involving blindfolds and no blindfolds and teamwork and OH MY GOD. Don't these producers realize blindfolds don't make missions extreme? They just make them... dumb.

Jodi and Patrick were the first to make their set of four jumps from the helicopter. Jodi missed the diamonds with both her dives, and Patrick managed to hit the smallest diamond on his blindfolded jump. Kina, still sharpening her claws, noted that even though Jodi had successfully prompted Patrick, it was still an accident and basically Jodi still has terrible communication skills and she generally sucks at everything. Kina and company then went on to roll their eyes at Jodi's unsuccessful attempt to hit the diamonds with her own, non-blindfolded jump. Granted, Patrick and Kina also missed the diamonds, but let's not confuse the issue here. Jodi's the scapegoat this episode, not Kina!

Newcomer Nick managed to pull in a nifty score, but despite his proficiency with this challenge, his teammates still treated him like some sort of bum dying of tuberculosis. Around this time, the Mission Mayors popped up to clock in their weekly dose of Debbie Downer attitude. They pleasantly informed the team that if they scored less than five points per dive (the highest, most difficult value) for the rest of the mission, they would fail. Mmmkay?

It was therefore satisfyingly appropriate that Kina was next in line to guide blindfolded Nick to jump. After having accused Jodi of being a frazzled mess during missions, Kina choked and sent Nick jumping off the helicopter entirely too early, resulting in a score less than 5. This of course meant mission failure, as our mission mayors were quick to point out moments later.

Now remember that flashback about the teammates pulling names out of a hat during the next voting ceremony? Well, that's all nice and friendly, but let's not forget that we're watching Bunim/Murray spawn here. Selfish motivations will always prevail. While I will say this cast has been free of obnoxious attention whores, these guys are not above vilifying a teammate for self-preservation. In this case, Jodi - surprise, surprise - became the clear cut victim of a changing tide away from the random name in the hat strategy. While munching loudly on snacks, Ibis (who overnight seemed to have accumulated a significant amount of junk in the trunk) and Kina resolved to vote off Jodie. Separately, Patrick and Derrick reached the same conclusion.

Nick occasionally popped up to see what was going on, but his presence was again met with blank stares that seemed to connote "Who are you and why have you been sleeping in our RV with us?" As night fell, the roommates suddenly felt that most fleeting emotion of Bunim/Murray productions: guilt. Everyone returned to the name in the hat strategy (impressive adherence to a pact, I must admit), but before that, Kina went out of her way to tell Jodie that they ALMOST voted her off, but they were so damn nice that they decided not to. The exchange was intended to convey how much Kina cares for Jodi, but instead it felt like Kina was digging for brownie points by announcing how big she was to stick to the plan.

After what felt like an eternity, the kids finally began their voting ceremony. The ground rules: everyone would draw a name, announce it, and then return it to the hat. Whoever's name got called the most would be voted off. Um, yeah, is that supposed to be X-Treme Name In The Hat Voting? Because usually people just draw a name once and that's it.

As I mentioned before, my Tivo ceased recording at this point. Thanks MTV for starting the show two minutes late. Then again, maybe it's not MTV's fault. Maybe my Tivo was so disgusted at the programming I had burdened its memory with that it simply shut down. Nevertheless, with only a few minutes left in the show, I got the impression that this inefficient vote was going to be a tie and therefore cliffhanger. I suppose my overwhelming curiosity will be sated tomorrow when MTV updates its website. Regardless of who leaves, I just hope the new cast member is cool so that poor Nick has someone to interact with. Chances are they'll still keep him in the corner though. Oh the cruel world of Road Rules...

Posted by B-Side at 11:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Watch out Mensa. Three candidates are coming your way: Scott, Jase, and Holly. Sure, they may not be - what's the word? Oh yes - smart, but they THINK they're smart, and isn't that what really matters?

Okay, maybe Scott, Jase, and Holly are more likely to join a gym than an intellectual society, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy watching our trio of great thinkers plot and scheme their way through the veritable anti-Mensa that is Big Brother. Last night's episode featured some wonderfully inane babbling from the Ambiguously Gay Duo and their pet bubble, Holly, and while their brain cells squeezed out words, sentences and occasionally concepts, other members of the house descended on pliable Drew in an effort to change the course of the game. Amazingly, it worked. Sort of.

Drew shocked everyone with his nominations of Holly and Jennifer - aka Nakomis. For an hour, the producers dangled various potential nominees such as Marvin, Diane, Holly, and even Adria; so when Nakomis made her way back to the chopping block, it felt somewhat out of left field. Apparently it was - at least for Scott and Jase - who looked so angry you would have thought their bandanas had been confiscated.

Drew's choice of Holly seemed illogical in the context of the Four Horsemen, but perhaps this was his way of jockeying for post-Jase dominance with the girls. I'd like to think Drew was that savvy, but mostly I think he was overwhelmed by the pressure of the situation. He's clearly in over his head. Early in the game, he became completely intoxicated by the hyper-machismo (read: gay) allure of Jase and Scott, and now his ties to them are at conflict with his need to be a good boy. With all the input coming at him from aggressive strategizers like Jase and passive aggressive schemers like Diane, I fully expected his head to explode into a million pieces, especially after he commented "[It] takes me forever to think about things." Not an encouraging sign.

Luckily, Drew did have his co-Horsemen to help him make his decision. Scott kindly noted that he, Jase, and Michael were there to serve as "advisors". Well, not Michael. When Cowboy suggested that Marvin should go, Jase quickly nixed the idea with a dismissive tone that seemed to say "Speak when spoken to, and if spoken to, genuflect me". Of course, later on Jase did insist that Marvin should go, but that's neither here nor there.

With all this nomination stress going on, it was a great relief to Drew that he received all sorts of personal artifacts from home. Adria in particular took a liking to Drew's pillow from home. I think she'd be happier to clutch onto it a few more minutes than to win the $500,000. Meanwhile, Scott marveled at a photo of Drew's moderate-sized, upper middle class house, noting that the HOH was "loaded".

Of course Scott has created an image for himself in the house that he is a football player who drives an Escalade and partakes in all activities pertaining to bling. Since none of this is true, it's sort of bizarre watching Scott take extreme joy in discussing this fantasy life. The mere mention of said wealth causes him to flex his pecs in a gross and nauseating manner. Apparently, his strategy is to talk about all the money he has so that people don't think he's out for the Big Brother money. Um, so are they supposed to think he's there for the fine Ikea interior design? You see, Scott, prior wealth isn't always considered a plus in this game. You might remember Lorie, the girl you voted off two days ago for having already won $10,000.

Then again, I may be expecting more brainpower from Scott than he can produce. During the food competition, when contestants had to spell out items they wanted in the kitchen, Scott requested steak - after someone else had just written beef. I'm surprised the next round he didn't simply ask for meat. Instead, he spelled out "cheesse". I don't know what cheesse is - maybe some unholy union between cheese and chess - but Scott wanted it. Of course, Scott's expertise is in athletics, not first grade spelling challenges; so I really can't demand that much from him. Meanwhile, Scott and Jase seemed to get momentarily excited when Marvin looked to be spelling "cock". Sadly, he ultimately wrote "chicken", dashing Scott and Jase's hopes for a little fun times in the household.

The Atkins Friendly challenge ended with the roommates winning - among other things - beef, steak, chicken, pork, and lobster. Perhaps in the spirit of all things meaty, Jase's facial hair has blossomed into full-fledged lamb chops from hell. Granted, this isn't his worst hygene transgression (note the pimples on his back), but it's turning into one of the more annoying Jaseisms. You would think that someone as fastidiously image-conscious as he would reach for the razor once in a while, but maybe he's just succumbing to the pressure of looking so damn good. Yes, it's a curse, or at least according to Jase.

In a roundtable discussion worthy of The Newshour with Jim Lehrer, Jase, Scott and Holly shared their thoughts and feelings about being pretty and how no one sees them for who they really are - because I'm sure they don't dismiss people based on their looks at all. While Scott scratched his balls, Holly lamented that if she had worn glasses, had black hair in a bun, and just dressed differently in general, people would have treated her better in the house. Yeah, all those ugly people with black hair and glasses really have it good. Sadly, Holly doesn't realize the only accessory she needs is a muzzle.

Assuming the veto leaves the nominations unchanged, it looks like Holly will most likely get the boot. I do look forward to the Julie Chen/Holly interview. The combination of Holly's beeps and chirps with Julie's rigid mannerisms should make for the oddest conversation since R2D2 and C3PO entered pop culture.

Posted by B-Side at 2:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Tonight was eviction night, and for the millions of Big Brother fans out there, we know this means one thing: awkward live television. With Julie Chen and her ruffled attire firmly setting the tone, the Thursday episodes never cease to be uneven and cringe-inducing, but hey, that's what we love about them. Pretty much the only thing that could make the live installments any better would be if Julie were to trip on that little step in her studio. Mark my words, it will happen someday.

Until that day, we will have to contend with Julie and her fax machine voice just the way we do every week: with mockery and scorn. Tonight, Ms. Chen accessorized her rigid postures with a strange tuxedo shirt that was almost as jarring as her aluminum foil pants, back for their second round. I suppose the ruffles were supposed to have a vintage flair, but instead it looked like someone had sprayed a can of whipped cream down Julie's blouse. Les Moonves, you dirty man.

Also deserving attention was Julie's coif, which was big and cowlicked. I got the impression Julie was going for a little Darth Vader look with her helmet hair, and coupled with the shiny pants, you could say she almost looked space-aged. And honestly people. Is there anyone else more suited to meet aliens than Julie Chen? I challenge anyone to say "I come in peace" better than she can.

Of course, Julie's transgressions pale next to this cast of sartorially challenged chumps. I could go on about the bandanas again, but tonight, I'd like to ask what the deal was with the pink. Even Julie Chen noticed. For the color blind out there, Michael, Jase, and Scott were amongst the men who adopted the pastels. Now, I'm not saying this to be homophobic, but white guys really shouldn't wear pink. It's a fact. Black guys or darker skinned guys can wear it 'til the cow comes home. It looks good on them. But white guys - it's like rule number one. So of course I was shaking my head with the rest of America when Scott and Jase paraded around the live show in almost identical pink shirts. It's nice that they dress to match. It really demonstrates a lot of "Pride". Unfortunately, Scott didn't get the pit stain memo because only Jase was sporting those, and man were they big. You could have sealed a thousand envelopes with all that moisture. Jase didn't seem to mind though. He was probably drunk again.

I wonder if Jase might be a little jealous of Drew though. Not because Drew nabbed Head of Household, but because Drew revealed that Scott is his sleep companion. Was anyone else puzzled by this? Scott's really turned into quite the player. First he shares a bubble bath with Michael. Then he nestles in with Drew under the sheets. What's next? A little hot oil massage with Jase? We can all take bets that there wouldn't have been any canoodling with Lorie, arguably one of the hottest girls in the house. Apparently, Scott didn't find her attractive. That whole vagina thing can be a real turn off for him.

It's no surprise therefore that Scott, a former Playgirl model (a magazine known for it's, uh, not-female readership), is the only guy Marvin trusts. Why? Because he's the only one who hasn't fallen under the spell of a woman in the house, making him the most focused on the game. That's great logic Marvin. Too bad you didn't overhear Scott planning your efficient egress in the bathroom: Jase and Scott piled into the small, intimate toilet stall to talk strategy, or at least that's what they let Michael think since he ruined the moment. The three guys enthusiastically planned Marvin's demise, with Scott aggressively rasping, "He's gone! He's gone!" and then "Is that a crimper?" No, that's not my snarky sarcasm. Scott really did ask that. It appears as though this styling mechanism was equally if not more exciting to Scott than strategy discussions. I don't know many men who get that enthused about crimpers, but I'm sure Scott, who this week revealed himself to be the resident hairstylist, has a very logical, manly reason to jizz himself over the tool. Maybe now he can give Michael that makeover he's been dying to give.

Of course Marvin, with his big bald head will never experience the joy of the Scott and Jase salon, but that's okay. Marvin's grown on me considerably, and I'm not sure if that's only because he introduced the image of him hurling Starr Jones after Thanksgiving dinner. Note to World's Strongest Man competition: Starr Jones tossing would really bring in the female viewers. You know, the ones with nothing to do with themselves, like dearly departed Lorie.

While Scott and Jase prettied themselves up, Lorie and Karen spent a portion of the episode pleading their case to the various house guests. For the record, these two win the award for whiniest campaigners. They didn't really provide any arguments as to why they should stay except "But I don't wanna go" and "This sucks." Karen, a passive aggressive amateur, tried to stir up some sort of guilt in Michael when she and Lorie commented heavy handedly that people in the house were such followers, blindly accepting Jase's rule. Michael shifted uncomfortably, and I couldn't help wondering how a true PA master like any of those old British actresses would have simply had the cowboy crying under the table. It was a noble effort, and in Karen's case, it worked. The New Jersey portrait artist survived an eviction ceremony (even though Julie Chen tried to fake her out). In the moments after Lorie left the house, Karen cursed up a storm that had CBS censors on their toes for a good minute. And let's not forget Marvin, who didn't curse, but whose giant, shiny head received an extreme, extended closeup that was just as offensive as any potty mouth on the show.

This week should be interesting with Drew in control. The Four Horsetrosexuals will undoubtedly get another bye week, but if the girls are savvy, they might be able to manipulate Drew into some sort of interesting situation. It seems as though the girls are mad and ready to take action. Let's just hope that crimper doesn't fall into one of Scott and Jase's romantic baths.

Posted by B-Side at 9:34 PM | Permalink

It's a sad truth, but The Simple Life 2: Road Trip is shaping up to be a formidable guilty pleasure. The episodes are getting funnier, the interactions more normal, and the staginess less prevalent. After last week's impressive installment, Bunim/Murray seemed to top themselves yet again, although they did stumble in an awkward, if not amusing, segment at the ballpark. Still, it seems like the show has finally found its groove, and amazingly, we have the two gals to thank for it.

Bunim/Murray dropped its usual sarcastic style - for about two seconds at least - as Paris and Nicole showed up at the doorstep of the Cash family, a gospel singing, God-fearing Southern black family. Once again, we were treated to the obligatory comments about how this clan was going to whip everyone right into shape, but if there's anything we know about Bunim/Murray Productions, it's that they do love their misdirection.

Paris and Nicole actually were pretty well behaved, except for when Nicole dropped a few F-bombs at the table, causing Mama Cash to level her down with an evil eye. The show's sound editor most likely reveled in getting to use his little violin sound again, probably his favorite contribution next to the occasional "boing" that punctuates most scenes.

Despite moments of vulgarity, Paris and Nicole got along swimmingly with their hosts. They seemed to have pleasant dinner banter, and the girls didn't even complain when the matriarch demanded that they clean up their trailer. I suppose it didn't hurt that the two Cash daughters helped with the proceedings, but surprisingly, Paris and Nicole didn't rest their tired bods while the other girls worked. Why this sudden change in attitude? Did Paris and Nicole actually grow as people? Not really. It just seems as though for once they actually had respect for their host family. So much so that after the cleaning was done, Paris and Nicole went so far as to bond with the daughters by sharing personal stories about friendship and growing up. The next day, Nicole even participated in an impromptu step show, and later, she and Paris demurely let the father preach to them. Whaa? So were these two shiksas finally gaining some emotional depth and perspective?

Don't know really because Fox suddenly realized the show was veering into quality territory. Our meeting with the Cash family was over before we knew it and with a gentle wash of gospel music the girls went off to their latest shenanigans at a minor league baseball park. There, the girls helped with stretches, played catch, observed physical therapy, and traipsed along in a generally annoying sort of way. Since this segment was the official "work" portion of the evening, we knew some staged sabotage would take place. Tonight wasn't so bad. After the team trainer was conveniently called out of the training room, Nicole used some taboo XXX massage cream on a player. I don't think it really hurt him, as evidenced by Fox cutting away to footage of the stadium while all we heard was some clearly pre-recorded yell. If anything, he probably had a happy ending.

Still, despite producer intervention, Nicole managed to make the scene her own as she humorously groaned with the massage and then informed the trainer that she had been a masseuse twenty years ago in Korea. Even I laughed. I guess that's what happens when you rely on wittiness instead of obnoxiousness. Meanwhile, as Nicole became a regular yukster, Paris spent a good deal of this episode hunched over in laughter. For some reason, I get a kick out of watching her cackle in the background. That girl is a giggler. For all her composed appearances with the papparazzi and media, Paris been more of a goofball than a hornball of late. Granted, who can blame her when the baseball guys kept talking of "shagging".

At night, the team took to the field with Paris and Nicole serving as bat girls. Paris happily bounded onto the diamond to retrieve any discarded bats, but she applied about as much hustle as if she were browsing through a salad bar. I'm surprised no runner plowed right into her. Then again, maybe that's what she wanted.

Back in the dugout, the girls grew restless. Nicole tried to pass the time by testing players' cups. With the two gals in town, these guys probably expected some action in the groin area, but not of the kicking in the balls variety. Luckily for them, Paris and Nicole scurried over to the rival team's dugout to cause chaos. This sabotage had noble intentions because the girls actually wanted to distract the opponents and cause them to lose. It didn't really work. I guess that whole athletic focus and concentration got in the way.

Most likely at the producer's urging, the home team solicited Paris and Nicole to do a little third base coaching. This team must really suck if they have to rely on tweedle dee and tweedle dum to haul in the players. Before the girls could cause any on-base craziness, Nicole's dog took a dump by the foul line, and I don't know how everyone else feels, but dog poop always makes me laugh. Fox cut to a shot of the crowd sort of staring blankly and tried to have us think that they were angry by playing "Booo!!!" on the soundtrack. It would have been more convincing if the crowd hadn't been taking pictures of the starlets and smiling.

Just when you thought this moment couldn't get any stagier, the umpire - not even attempting to hide his smile - approached the girls, uttered some forced lines, and ejected them from the game. And just like that, this episode which had started off so nicely came to a stultifyingly dumb conclusion. Bunim/Murray doesn't really know when to leave well enough alone, but here's to hoping next week continues the show's upward momentum.

Posted by B-Side at 2:37 PM | Permalink

If you were already a fan of The Amazing Race going into this season, then you are surely telling all of your friends how great this season is. If you have just started watching the show this year, you have by now realized why this show won the Emmy for Best Reality Series among stalwarts like Survivor and American Idol. I think that the producers do an amazing job of casting with this show, and it shows year in and year out because the final three or four episodes are always some of the most exciting on television. I love Big Brother and Survivor, but as those shows wind down, there is usually not as much drama as the Amazing Race. Since the Amazing Race is about competition and not voting people are much more ruthless and calculating, and it just multiplies as it gets towards the finish.

This season, two Armenian-American women have taken the race by storm, and not because they look good in a velour track suit(visit Los Angeles, you'll know what I mean). Mirna and her cousin Charla, a little person, hail from Baltimore and, depending on your taste, are either the greatest achievement in reality casting ever, or the most annoying set of personalities you have ever seen. I personally think the two classifications are not mutually exclusive. I have to admit that Charla and Mirna are some of the greatest entertainment we have seen in a while. They are a god-fearing, blackjack-playing, cartwheel-turning, Phil-hugging duo that most positively defy convention. Still as funny as their comments are during the show, their personalities do get on my nerves, mainly because every time their wits(or lack thereof) fail them, they trot out Charla to gain some sort of advantage. This isn't so bad on the surface, because the Race compels everybody to use everything to their advantage, except Charla is constantly reminding us that Little People can do anything everybody else can. Mirna goes right along with it like it should be a normal part of life. I mean, if you don't have a cousin to carry around so you can get that handicapped space, why should she care? In the end their downfall is going to be their poor ability to follow directions on a map. If they can't find another team to follow, they might just be left out entirely.

As much as Mirna and Charla annoy me, I do hope they stay on a little while longer, because at least they have personality, and aren't mean spirited to the other contestants. If you want to find two people who seem to be making the race miserable for everybody, including the viewers, look no farther than Marshall and Lance. These brothers, who run a pizza place in Texas, are nearly devoid of any charm. They think they are geniuses, but that is fairly far from the truth. While in Paraguay, they yelled at "the foreigners" for not being more helpful. Note to Marshall and Lance: when you are in another country, you are the foreigner, and since nobody likes to help annoying foreigners, you guys are probably screwed. If these guys have the stamina to last through missions, they could still be dangerous.

My favorite team has got to be the bowling moms. You can tell they enjoy the simple act of traveling and the experience of the race more than anybody in the field, even Mirna and Charla. They simply compete and don't get in anybody else's way, yet they manage to avoid being boring. They are in contrast with Bob and Joyce who also enjoy the race and get by without bothering others, but there is something just a little bland with their delivery. Teri and Ian, they are not.

Two other teams I enjoy immensely are the twins Kami and Karli and Chip and Kim. Both of these teams are the real bumblers. They are always fouling up in one way or another, but are always making it at the end. Both are always in the bottom third of the standings, and have unique ways of getting there. Both made the same mistake of missing a route marker on the first leg, and they shared a 5 minute alliance during the second episode. They are now sort of rivals, but it is sort of a one-way animosity as Karli and Kami can't stand Chip, but Chip and Kim kind of laugh about the situation whenever the subject comes up. There was a great moment in the latest episode where Kami and Karli, rushing towards the pit stop, didn't realize there was shallow water between them and the island where Phil was situated. They jumped into a deeper part of the water and proceeded to backstroke to the island. As they came up shivering, Phil asked them why they didn't take the path to shallow water. I am not sure if either of these teams have what it takes to win, but it will be great watching them try.

We wrap up the contestants who are left with Brandon and Nicole and Colin and Christie, two couples from Texas. Colin and Christie are beautiful, Brandon and Nicole love Jesus, and neither of them have much interesting to say. I agree with the people who think Colin is completely crazy. Watch his eyes when he speaks, Hannibal the Cannibal seems more at ease. Both of these teams are smart and good at the challenges, so they will probably stick around for a few more episodes. The producers left a lot of the details of these two teams out of the early episodes since they weren't in danger of being eliminated. Now that they can devote more time to individual teams, maybe we'll find something to love or hate about them.

Posted by J-Unit at 11:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Let the bitching and moaning commence. After watching a few weeks of Big Brother, I have to start taking some issues with the members of this cast. Perhaps it is my fervent anticipation of this season that clouds my judgment, but I am really disappointed with the way some members of the cast have built their strategy. I am on the outside looking in, but it is beyond me how the cast has gotten to this point. Marvin won HoH, and in a surprising strategy move initially nominated Lori and Holly for eviction. While this was not the dream scenario of Scott and Jase dealing with the thought of leaving the house, Marvin showed at least a semblance of original thought. Something has got to happen to shake up the game, not necessarily because I want Scott and Jase to rot and die, but because there needs to be something else on air besides Scott and Jase talking about how powerful they are.

There was a little bit of intrigue that gave me hope early on. It's patently clear how much a majority of the house detests Holly, so Will and Karen came up with a plan to vote Holly out, but give the impression to the guys that everybody is going to vote for Lori. What was great about this strategy, other than the obvious warning blow across the bow of the Horsemen, was the measure of public humility facing Scott and Jase when they see they have been duped. Will was completely giddy. Jase in particular has been making derogatory references to gays, but really hasn't said much about it. You do understand to a certain point. If Will let people know how much it bothered him, he would instantly become a target. Quite a difficult position to find yourself in.

Will is not alone, however, as Scott has successfully bullied other people in the house. He added to the checklist of phrases that make him look dumb by saying to Diane "You have as much power as Saddam Hussein had over his people". Correct me if I am wrong, but being a dictator Saddam had absolute power over his people, or at least was able to rule them with fear. Scott, therefore, is more like Saddam because the threat of violence is the main way Scott keeps people from confronting him. After a little back and forth exchange, Diane left crying, and Scott was left to contemplate if he should stick with the soul patch or try and go for the fu man chu. Clearly Scott was upset that Nakomis, now sporting a mohawk to go with her greenish hue locks, might garner more hair attention than he was.

There are a lot of interesting things happening inside the house. Nakomis has started to let her personality show a lot more and Holly sort of let her guard down a little bit while talking about her nomination. For the first time since the show started, we heard her speak without the bubbles and with total seriousness. Still, just when I thought she was doing a little manipulation of others, it is clear she is not really in touch with the reality of the house, at one point saying she knew how everybody knew she and Lori were friends. I don't pay attention to the live feeds, so I can't say for sure that they aren't close. The way Diane's eyes rolled at the comment did have me believing that Lori and Holly weren't joined at the hip. As for Nakomis, we finally got some input on her side of the Project DNA reunion with her brother. Turns out that "they have nothing in common" and that her relationship with him is not going to stop her from understanding what she needs to do. Unlike Marvin, she sees that she is only going to be a pawn as long as the Horsemen need numbers. Afterward, she is going to be dead weight. Therefore, her vote is almost sure to coincide with Karen, Will, and Diane and not whatever Michael is feeding her.

Another great development is the Adria/Natalie progression. For some reason, the Horsemen feel completely safe discussing all bits of strategy in front of her, including naming who they plan on voting off. We learned last week that they don't plan on keeping her around long, and maybe even for less time now that Holly seems firmly in the Horsemen camp. I'm not going to say that Adria is a "rock solid" member of the Girls, because she is going to float until her sister gets in the house, and choose sides then, at least in my opinion. If you were to ask me, I would think she is much more likely to try and get in good with the girls, and they were counting her in their plans to get rid of Holly.

It seemed like everything was going smoothly, and then the veto competition happened. Holly picked Jase, and he of course won. Oh goody. Jase proceeded to use the veto to save Holly, and Marvin put Karen up, making it certain that the girls alliance would lose at least one member.

It's going to be a interesting eviction, because everything is truly up in the air. Despite what everybody says, I believe more people want to see Lori leave, especially since she took the ten large the first week and forced everybody to eat PB&J. People believe Karen is more dangerous, so there is a good chance that she could be leaving as well. The worst thing about this whole development is Scott and Jase must go on about their damned superiority. While I am quick to despair at the thought, I realize that Big Brother is not won in the first month. Stronger alliances have crumbled in the past and with Jase and Scott and Diane and Drew getting closer, meaning there are opportunities to break the Horsemen. Holly may turn out to be the next Alison and break her ties with the person who saved her. Anything can happen, but there needs to be some good fortune at the HoH competitions.

It was nice to see some more people start to scheme, but it still bothers me how passive everybody is. Nakomis looks like she may put on the gloves, and you know Diane is going to burst soon, but will it happen in enough time to save us from Scott and Jase? Karen did a great impression of Holly, Scott and Jase. When the house guests start getting that catty, you know there is bound to be some good action coming up. Still, there are not enough people standing up for themselves in the house. People are talking about how they want to go home. Perhaps they forgot what it was like to be one of the millions watching at home, wishing you had a chance to play. If nothing else, these folks should strive to get on the jury so they at least have some say in who wins it all, if they have given up winning themselves.

Posted by J-Unit at 11:52 PM | Permalink

It's official. The Amazing Race is simply relentless. It grabs you, tosses you around, gets your heart racing, and then spits you out to the local news anchor at 11 pm. In Los Angeles, that means coming face to face with creepy Laura Diaz, aka Skeletor's long lost Latina sister. It's not a pleasant sight, but I digress. Tonight's heart-pounding adventure almost set us free from the Debbie Downer ballast known as Marshall and Lance, but alas, it was Jim and Marsha, the military father and daughter, who brought up the rear. Too bad. We were just starting to like them too.

Jim and Marsha spent the early portion of this race bickering and bleeding, but they seemed to have put that behind them as they headed into this third leg. One might say they were actually endearing. Marsha might have different words to describe her experience at the Buenos Aires domestic airport though. She found herself booking about thirty different flights all at once, including many tickets for other teams. When the dust settled and she finally looked at her itinerary, she realized that she hadn't actually booked any reservations for herself. Wah wah wah. Looks like Marsha pressed her luck and hit a whammy. She and her father flew out of the airport last, placing them a good hour or more behind the next team. By the end of the episode, the two had closed in the gap, but clearly the Lord was giving love to other teams, like über Christian moppets, Brandon and Nicole.

The "dating/models" faced some tests of faith tonight when they encountered the most unholiest of obstacles, the muddy road. Brandon, who's not really the brains of the operation - and not really the brawn either, advised Nicole to bring the car to a halt. Maybe he wanted to reason with the mud or bring it to salvation. Well, the mud would have none of it and this team had the distinction of being the only one dumb enough to stop the car in the muck. They needed to be towed out, and second place Charla and Mirna offered their services in a gesture of good will. They say good fences make good neighbors, so when Charla got zapped by a nearby electrical fence, we knew that the Charla/Mirna/Nicole/Brandon "alliance" wouldn't last, even if they were all self-proclaimed "God-fearing" people.

Of course, any avid viewer of the show knows that alliances on The Amazing Race are about as fleeting as Phil Koegan's occasional smile. Still, that didn't stop Charla and Mirna from investing heavily in their makeshift alliance. They were therefore annoyed when the devout Christians abandoned them on the road (actually, it was Mirna who casually drove off into Never Never Land), and then again betrayed them in the airport by relying on Jim and Marsha for tickets. The cousins were absolutely SHOCKED that the partnership crumbled so easily and once again it was them against the world.

Actually, it was Mirna against Lance and Marshall. If Miramax's Weinstein Brothers ever wanted to channel their obnoxious tendencies into pizza, they would be these guys. At every turn, the brothers tried to make "This sucks!" the "That's hot" of The Amazing Race, starting with a battle of will at the airport counter. When Charla and Mirna beat them to a ticket line, the petulant brothers once again eschewed the rational techniques of discussion and dialogue in favor of bullying and mockery. Later, after they yelled "Bitch!" at Mirna from across a parking lot in Patagonia, their cocky bravura was quickly squashed when an ingenious chocolate mission stalled the two for over an hour.

On this week's Roadblock, teams had to bite into thousands of chocolates until they found one with a creamy white center. Everyone seemed to be having a ball, especially the bowling moms - but when don't they have a grand old time? It was no surprise that Joyce leaped at the opportunity to eat chocolate. Those of us with chocoholic mothers can spot their kind from a mile away.

As team after team successfully scavenged through the chocolatey mess, Lance and Marshall languished on the sidelines, unable to find the white center. Lance (or maybe it was Marshall. I really don't know) complained that he couldn't go on, and I couldn't help wondering if the oaf had actually been eating the chocolate instead of spitting it out. I wouldn't be surprised. While he whined in the corner (paging Flo from season 3), Chip and Kim continued their silly battle against the twins.

Still smarting from a minor taxi confrontation last episode, Kami and Karli had gone from loving Chip to hating him. I don't really know why. The taxi incident seemed pretty harmless, but spoiled girls are want to vilify people who challenge them, and in this case, jolly Chip was their latest victim. Oh well. The twins managed to pull ahead of their mortal enemies by crossing the finish line in fifth place. The twins usually do something incredibly stupid each episode, and tonight, their moment of brilliance came when they opted to backstroke through the foot deep waters to reach Phil on his island finish line. The stoic host blithely pointed out that all the other teams had actually walked through the shallow waters. On a side note, tonight, Phil was accompanied by a gaggle of little Patagonia children who all snickered when the twins made the illogical choice to swim. This image confirmed my theory that Phil is incredibly awkward next to children, especially those wearing non-Western outfits.

As for first place, that distinction belonged to blandly intense Texans Colin and Christie. Despite some condescending remarks from Colin and his unbridled intensity, this duo had an easy time of moving to the head of the pack. I don't like them very much though, so I hope they come in last next week. Winning this week's silver medal were Charla and Mirna, the latter of whom was sure to primp a little before her latest encounter with Phil. I don't know many people who think Phil is terribly dreamy, but you gotta respect Mirna's dedication to the man. Jeff Probst gets all the attention. It's about time Phil got a little love too.

Next week, it looks like the teams are heading to Russia where they'll be gorging on caviar. I certainly wouldn't mind that challenge, and since I'll surely be eating some sort of Hot Pocket-centric dinner, I'll probably get pretty annoyed when Brandon and Nicole shun the caviar to bawl in the corner. On that note, if anyone would care to donate caviar to the TVgasm staff, feel free to email us at staff@tvgasm.com.

Posted by B-Side at 11:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

The times, they are a-changin'. Only a few episodes into the new season of Road Rules: X-Treme, and it's already time for a regime change. After pouty nausea victim Danny got the boot last week, it was time to welcome a new member into the Road Rules family: Nick. Hailing from Blandsville, USA, Nick is a fan of vanilla and saltines. Actually, I shouldn't come down so harshly on the guy. He hardly had a chance to let his personality out of the bag due to the cast members' chilly reception, which kept him firmly uncomfortable and unwelcome. Ah, the backward social dynamics of reality television never cease to amaze.

Truth is that any Bunim/Murray newbie who prefers tact and understatement to in-your-face camera hogging is fine with me. Must I remind you of last season's Tina, the odious Road Ruler whose intellect seemed to be inversely proportional to the loudness of her voice? Needless to say, she was very loud. Nick, however, is tentative, articulate, and completely unwanted by his new teammates. In an execution of group mentality that usually finds most traction with middle schoolers, the original five roadies immediately shunned Nick for being new. Apparently his outsider status made him inherently evil, which is completely logical. Some people complained that Nick would mess up the group dynamic. Actually, he probably won't, but I'm sure the self-fulfilling prophecy forced on him won't be helping things either.

Nick could do nothing to gain the respect of his new teammates. If he was inside talking to the girls, Patrick and Derrick were complaining that he wasn't spending enough time with them. If Nick was a solid performer in the mission, he still wasn't as good as he should have been. And I'm sure when the girls discovered Nick was gay, they probably complained that he wasn't as effeminate as Danny was.

Speaking of Nick's homosexuality, Derrick was kind enough to provide an objectifying introduction by saying something along the lines of "Hey Patrick, we got another gay!" Nick took the obtuse greeting well, which undoubtedly caused Ibis to say something like "He doesn't stand up for himself. I hate him."

Now I know these guys aren't exactly the greatest thinkers in the world, but isn't it more productive to be welcoming to the new guy and act like a cohesive team? And don't they realize that it's their own blundering that put them in this situation, not some cosmic voodoo from Nick? Just thinking out loud.

Aside from the introduction of Nick, not much else happened in this episode except for a silly romp with some guard dogs. Once again, I was greatly amused by the roomies' lame attempts to decipher their mission clues. This time around, they were asked if their bite was worse than their bark, or something like that. Kina chimed in, saying she was convinced this challenge would have to do with snakes. It's an interesting postulate, but last time I checked, snakes don't bark.

Turns out the intrepid Road Rulers had to defy a bunch of vicious guard dogs in a sort of bizarre canine version of Capture the Flag. The mission was vaguely appropriate in an episode where everyone seemed to turn into a bitch towards Nick. I'm sure any thematic symbolism of Nick being thrown to the dogs was purely coincidental though.

Ibis shows the determination of an inch worm

Everyone suited up in big, padded protective gear, which led to the show's most amusing image: Ibis getting tackled by a German Shepherd. The dog angrily pounced on the unsuspecting cast member, causing her to topple over as if she had been slugged by a baseball bat. From that point on, the dog seemed to have her in a half-Nelson as she remained firmly face down on the grass. Talk about an utter lack of will power. It was great.

After her canine offender was quietly detained, Ibis devolved into a fit of bawling. I don't know why exactly. I can't imagine that she was actually hurt. She was probably just massively humiliated, but hey, that's Bunim/Murray's calling card. Ibis and her partner Derrick lost their first attempt at the challenge, but don't worry, they got a second chance. Before that though, the mission mayors popped on screen again to passive aggressively tell the cast that they in fact did warn of the second dog, so, yeah, you suck. I don't know what it is with these mission mayors, but they always seem to inject a random doses of PA into the proceedings - like when they accused Kina of cheating on the drawing challenge. Not that I'm complaining. The awkwardness is always strangely appealing.

Nevertheless, the self-absorbed cast didn't even seem to notice their instructors and just went on with the mission gung-ho, easily winning their X-Treme Key. Nick proved to be more adept than Ibis at controlling the dogs, but even then, the group felt he could be better. This was a minor shock to me. After all the Nick haterade early in the show, I thought for sure we'd be in for classic Bunim/Murray misdirection where everyone would be singing his praises by the final frames. But no! The cast still sort of didn't like him by the end of the episode - or at least by the 28th minute of the show (the TVgasm Tivo abruptly cut off the last two minutes). I'd like to think that I didn't miss anything significant, but you never know. Sometimes the producers love tacking on hasty and pat resolutions; the sort of codas I just love tearing apart. Damn you, Tivo!

Posted by B-Side at 11:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I for one actually had some faith that the latest episode of North Shore would break the streak of mixed episode that has been plaguing this summer's requisite Hotel Drama. Last week's episode was excellent - while there were some laughable moments, it was very enjoyable. Dylan Bruno joined Jennifer Alden on the list of TVgasm friends who have made it onto the show, automatically adding a little bit more excitement to the episode. Finally, the writers were going to center their story around the appearance of the Vice President, or at least what they picture the Vice President would be in the North Shore Universe. Still, even Jimmy Kimmel can stay sober enough to make funny jokes about a vice president, shouldn't the writers of North Shore be able to do the same?

The big hubub this week is the arrival of the Vice President's daughter, Emily to the hotel. The secret service is in full force and patting down everybody, including Dennis Rodman and Melissa Joan Hart, for possibly dangerous paraphernalia. Vincent is worried that the VP might give a bad recommendation on his hotel, thus sullying its name, and gives orders for Nicole to keep an eye on the Vice Daughter. Tessa tries to tell Vincent that Nicole is spending a few days with her fiancee, and she is taking over. Vincent knows that Tessa is too inexperienced, not to mention holds too many felony charges, to be trusted with Emily, so he orders Nicole off vacation. Sadly, he can't threaten to fire anybody if they disobey, because he actually hasn't shown any authority in that matter whatsoever.

Not a bad start, but I soon see the episode is beginning to degenerate. Gabriel is surfing, as he is wont to do. In case you haven't been watching, Gabriel moved to Hawaii with dreams of a pro surfing career, but his job is like, such a drag, and the boss is like, on my case all the time, and you can probably guess the rest of the picture from there. While surfing, Gabriel is cut off by some jerk who doesn't respect the rules, except we find out that the jerk is actually really good and turns out to be Pro Surfer Trey Chase. Afterward, they meet up in the water and have a conversation about surfing. I use the word conversation lightly because it really consists of Gabriel jizzing himself over meeting his surfing idol. Gabriel has to get to work, which of course means that he will surf a little bit more and show up late.

Nicole pops in on Emily and wonders if she wants to hit the beach. Emily is appalled at her attempt at friendliness. This was supposed to be a vacation for her and her dad, but he has to, you know, be second in command of the country and everything, so can't really take vacation from his official business. Apparently, we are supposed to feel sorry that she gets this free trip to a sweet hotel. We are also supposed to believe that her father, a national politician, never takes time off. I can suspend disbelief enough to believe that scenario, but I must take a pass when I hear Emily and Nicole discuss music. Emily is listening to Orgy and since nobody over 25 listens to what people under 25 listen to, Nicole is just a poseur. Except that Orgy stayed at the hotel and Nicole did shots with the lead singer. Aha! The girls now share a connections so they can continue being best friends.

Outside of the hotel, Gabriel gets in trouble for being late, and Jason docks him one hour of pay to make him get serious about his job. Gabriel then takes a shot at Jason, saying he is to busy feeling sorry for himself over Nicole to give a care about what happens to the rest of them. Gabriel delivers this in his petulant mode, so we don't know whether he is being serious or we should laugh. As Gabriel mans the lifeguard chair, Nicole and Emily are walking along the beach. Gabriel, who has stopped brooding for the time being, makes a predictable joke about the Vice President. Everybody has a nervous laugh and Emily walks along, confessing she thinks Gabriel is cute. Wow, a girl is fawning over Gabriel, I wonder if he'll get in trouble with the police? That's never happened before. It's a good thing Emily has a secret service detail and nobody is willing to sneak her out of the hotel.

Trey Chase(did the writers get his name by throwing together some refrigerator poetry?), our hero surfer, shows up at the hotel. He used to be MJs boyfriend, but he became a big surfing star, treated his girl like shit, cut off all communication, and left to surf Australia. Should be easy to get back together, right? MJ has a boyfriend, but Trey is sorry. MJ is happy with her boyfriend, but Trey is sorry. MJ had crazy beach sex with her boyfriend and Frankie hates Trey, but Trey is sorry. Therefore, since Chris is busy with work, why not hang out with Trey? Oh MJ, we love you, but heed the words of the famous philosopher Chris Rock when he says "put the dick down!".

In the other major love rhombus on the show, Jason catches up with Morgan. Vincent gave Jason permission to get as much information possible from Morgan about Nicole's father and his attempts to buy the hotel. After Morgan's tee shot, Jason convinces him that he would like to be on good terms with new management if the situation arises. Morgan suggests they go to a "more comfortable" location to discuss things further. Wanting lots of privacy during the meeting, Morgan suggests a strip club. Jason listens intently as a drunk Morgan spills some good dirt on the hotel takeover plans, as well as his belief that there is no harm with "a little on the side". If you've seen one Jason/Morgan fight, you have seen them all. This one, however, had something special. While there is plenty of lovely T&A for everybody to check out in the background of the show, FOX gave us an up close and personal shot of one of the dancers. (Warning: Camel Toe alert.)

I also learned this week that the only two people in Hawaii who use a cell phone are Morgan and Nicole. Chris got off of work early, but can't find MJ, so he plans on spending the night alone. That was OK because who else would be able to show Emily how to find Gabriel? That's right, Emily was able to fly the coop without detection thanks to Tessa, who has decided that Vincent hasn't picked up on her sexual innuendo about sleeping her way to a promotion. Therefore, she must take more direct means of usurping Nicole. What better way than to "lose" the Vice President's daughter, thereby getting Secret Service all worked up into a tizzy. Chris not only forgets to call MJ to see if she is home, but it turns out MJ is on her way to meet Chris at the bar, but doesn't think it would be a good idea to try his cellphone to verify his location. Nevertheless, Emily and Chris meet up with Gabriel. Emily really must like Gabriel, because he is a horrible dancer, yet she is not embarrassed to be scene with him at the club. It could also be the vodka and rum shooters she is taking.

After dropping a few, Emily decides the perfect revenge on her father would be to enter a wet t-shirt contest and get her tats all over the tabloids, not content with waiting for some tabloid to fake a nipple slip. Up to the stage she goes, off comes the pink bra, and here comes the water! Well, not quite. As the announcer is hosing down the drunken mass of well-endowed girls on stage, Gabriel grabs Emily before she gets to tell the world how cold that water really is. Gabriel gets her offstage just as the secret service show up to arrest him. Tessa apparently believed it was not enough to smear Nicole's name, but decided to find the VIP for good measure. Luckily, Jason is there to stick up for his friend. Thankfully for Gabriel the Secret Service roughed up Jason earlier, so he had a weak spot as Gabriel received the cuffs. Crisis averted, Emily leaves the next day without incident, saving us all from a lame MasterCard parody commerical.

I give Gabriel a little too much criticism at times, but his character is so bad. He has been involved in three relationships with girls, two ended up with people taking him into custody, and the other he was a pawn in a game among two friends. He wants to surf, is pissed at his job, but is clearly too much of a pussy to live on his own. Tessa continues to be interesting, but why the random antagonization of Nicole? Jason wants to believe he has power, but is just Vincent's bitch.

I am left wondering if I should tune in next time. One one hand, every other episode of the North Shore is good. On the other hand, the next episode is in two weeks, so perhaps the good episode will be skipped and we'll go straight to a bad one. Whatever it is, it will feature plenty of Morgan and Nicole, as the episode revolves around their now hasty wedding, planned at the Grand Waimeia. Nobody believes that Jason is just going to sit there and let them get married and oooh, imagine the irony of Nicole's father paying for the ceremonies at the Grand Waimeia, when he wants to buy the hotel as well. I guess I'll tune in. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to see with celebrity has hit rock bottom and is forced to cameo on North Shore to get some exposure.

Posted by J-Unit at 11:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

There are still about five months left before the next season 24 gears up again, but it's never too early to harp on the always interesting cast changes. The latest news is that Reiko Aylesworth (Michelle) will mosey on over to C.S.I. (take that, Jorga Fox!), and Dennis Haysbert (President Palmer) may not return. Variety comments that the Palmer character will no longer be President, but 24 fans know that down doesn't always mean out.

For further details, check out the article via Yahoo! News here.

Posted by B-Side at 11:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

The loveable oafs of Real World: San Diego returned - again - for one last hurrah this week in a lighthearted special revolving around all the footage we never saw. Mayhaps this would be the salvation of Charlie who desperately wanted camera time but wound up squeezed into only a trio of episodes? Or perchance this would be an opportunity for us to gain more insights into the mystical fishbowl we call life via the sage wisdom of Randy? Alas, it was neither. Instead, this clip show was an amusing string of drunken imbroglios that more or less felt like every other episode this season, making The Real World We Never Saw more like The Real World We've Sort Of Seen. So here, in no particular order, are the lessons we've gleaned from our seven - or eight - pals in their drunken reverie:

Jamie and Jacquese Actually Have Social Lives

Contrary to what Bunim/Murray would have us believe, the resident minorities actually went out, met people, and even hooked up. That's right. They didn't just sit around and giggle or comment on the assorted canoodlings of Robin, Brad, Randy, Cameran, and Frankie. Ja went as far as to court an underage "R-Kelly" style hoochie, but that wound up on the cutting room floor. Note to self: toothless wonders = copious amounts of airtime. Underage jailbait = nuthin. What gives?

Garbage Doesn't Throw Itself Out

Apparently the roomies were so excited to run off to Greece that they forgot to actually throw their garbage out. Yes, they packed twelve bags worth, but the key to getting rid of garbage is actually taking it out of the house. Unfortunately, this simple piece of logic eluded our wonderkind and as a result, maggots and flies took over the Real World house while the cast bickered and yelled in Athens. I don't know how to say "idiots" in Greek, but you get the gist...

Shop Vacs Do Not Shut Up Cameran

We learned that Cameran loves to prank people, especially Brad and Randy, who she's fond of applying makeup and lip gloss to when they're passed out. Isn't it funny though how easy it is for one to dish it but not take it? Such is the case with Cameran. I believe it was Ja who conspired to turn on her vibrator and stick it under the mattress. The Southern Belle thought her cell phone was going off until she realized it was her masturbation tool getting busy between the Sealy Posturepedics. Princess and the Pea this was not. Nevertheless, Cameran squawked as usual; so our boys tried to stir shit up again, this time with the beloved Shop-Vac. In a bold move, the guys actually placed the suction tube on Cammy's face, but unfortunately, she was not swallowed into oblivion. Instead, the super vacuum only managed to bring fresh whining to the surface. I suppose the only way to shut Cameran up is to simply berate her in Greece and force her to stand in a corner facing the wall.

Hairdryers and Rabbits Do Not Mix

We all like bunnies. They're puffy, cute, and simply lovable. So when Robin encountered a helpless fluff of a rabbit in the Real World mansion, what was she to do? She consulted with her breasts and opted to welcome it into her growing menagerie of rodents and bail bonds. Robin is a caring soul; so she decided to nurse the poor bunny back to health, and by nurse, I mean submit the creature to an onslaught of chemicals and intense heat. Let me back up a little. Someone had brought the rabbit into the house to feed one of the many reptiles squirming around the Real World estate. Wanting to spare all errant rodents a horrifying and grizzly demise, Robin rescued the leporine creature from its death row sentence and tried to fix its split ends too. She submitted the poor animal to a casual shampooing which included a gentle scrubbing with Herbal Essences or Pantine or something like that. Somewhere between the toxic chemicals and the blasting heat from the blow dryer (seriously Robin, what were you thinking?), this bunny expired. Robin tried to give it a brave burial at sea, but instead the rabbit just floated around the dock awkwardly. It was sort of like Bunim/Murray's take on "The Tell-Tale Heart". Which brings me to the next lesson...

Rodents In General and the Real World House Do Not Mix Either

Not only did Robin bring an early death to an unsuspecting rabbit, but her pet mouse came to a quick demise also. We all remember the white mouse because Bunim/Murray unsuccessfully tried to make it a metaphorical symbol in the epic battle between Robin and Frankie. Turns out that the little guy would have been better off in the snake's belly. At least that way he would have done some good for the food chain. Instead, Robin & Co. gave the rodent a disturbing sendoff in the Pacific Ocean by placing his corpse in a carved out Aquafina bottle, lighting it on fire, and then pushing it off to sea. I suppose this was better than the lame rabbit ceremony, but this floating funeral pyre somehow lacked the gravitas that I want from a Bunim/Murray production.

Charlie Is Not The Next Kevin Federline

Charlie really got the short end of the stick this season. We really didn't see much of him during his brief tenure, and this clip show only served to embarrass him even more. Turns out that he thought his Real World posterity would grant him a private meeting with Ms. Britney Spears. Yeah, not so much. Cheer up, Charlie. At least you'll meet Trishelle and Veronica in the Real World/Road Rules Challenges.

Randy Has Office Hours

Remember that insane argument during the trip to Greece? No, not the one about the room key. The other one. The one where Frankie said Randy is drunk all the time. Yeah, that one. Well, turns out there was a little more to that tête-à-tête than previously realized. After Frankie complained that she could never approach Big Rand, our Bostonian friend noted that he's not drunk all the time. In fact, he's only drunk usually four night a week and furthermore, before nine o'clock, he's often sober. So take note, people. If you have anything significant or emotionally hefty to tell Randy, he's available to you Monday through Wednesday, from 11 AM to 9 PM. After nine, he can make no guarantees except that he'll have a big goofy grin on his face.

Brad Crumbles Like Hans Moleman When Punched In The Nuts

Little known fact: when you punch a guy in the nuts, he'll usually topple over. It's such an easy Achilles heel that most people would consider any blows in that general area to be "fighting dirty". Luckily, Cameran never saw a crotch she couldn't bash, so we were treated to many, many images of the Southern twit clocking a swift punch or two to Brad's poor, defenseless balls. She claimed this was her way of flirting, which really made me fear her methods of foreplay. Still, even I couldn't help but cackle when she slammed a wooden salad spoon into Brad's unsuspecting groin regions. What can I say? Getting hit in the nuts is always funny.

Cameran Continues To Be Annoying

Most cast members relish the clip show because it portrays them in a more well-rounded light. Jamie and Jacquese, previously the stay-at-home loners, now seem normal and just as horny as everyone else in the Bunim/Murray pantheon. But while the extra footage endeared us to some of our overlooked pals, it only further proved that Cameran is a loud, annoying, and grating person. I think if I had to live with her for six months, I would have tied her to a radiator in the basement and stuffed a sock in her mouth. Man, she does not shut up. Oh, but who am I kidding? While her mouth did runneth over with inconsequential babble, she was capable of articulating several amusing comments. And for that, I cannot be happier.

Oh San Diego roomies, what will I do without you?

Posted by B-Side at 9:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I don't know who the casting director was for Big Brother 5, but he or she deserves some sort of award. I have never been this caught up in the lives of Big Brother contestants this early on. With only four meager episodes in the can, I am completely hooked on this year's cast - so much so that I actually cared about the outcome of the usually inconsequential first week eviction. With sharp-tongued Mike up for eviction, the only player savvy enough to attack the Scott-jase alliance was in peril, and unfortunately for us, he was sent home unanimously, thus letting the spikey-haired ones reign unfettered another week.

The Scott-Jase alliance, nested firmly in the Four Horsemen alliance, (which in turn is nested firmly in the all male, all metrosexual alliance), has become a dominant force very early on, and as a result, will surely implode within a matter of days. As soon as a woman gets Head of Household, these alpha males will crumble in front of America, with only the strength of their bandanas keeping their last strands of dignity intact. Well, maybe not dignity, but latent gayness.

It seems that every time I write one of these posts, I have another fashion disaster to complain about. I'm not normally the type to fixate on sartorial missteps, but with Scott and Jase so cocky and self-assured, I can't help but take a certain schaedenfreude glee in watching these guys parade around the house looking completely idiotic to America. Tonight's new trend was the annoying unbuttoned look that all the males adopted, surely after resident fashionistas Jace and Scott approved. For nearly an hour, we endured Marvin, Drew and Scott threatening to expose some man-nip with their oh-so-trendy open shirts. Jace thankfully did not participate with the button shenanigans, but he did manage to suck by wearing a blazer with a beater (and a bandana, but that goes without saying). It's only been four episodes, but I already can't deal.

The good news was that Scott shunned the bandana for the live broadcast, but his attempts to emulate Jace with vertically prone yet trendily tussled hair were ill-advised all the same. I imagine Scott's hip coif suffered from a case of chronic graying, thinning and receding hair, thus making him look like a guy who just woke up from a nap on the street.

Still, despite his unfortunate choices in the world of fashion and general appearance, Scott managed to exert his dominance throughout the show, even after Mike got the boot. During the customary goodbye videos, Scott delicately commented "I hope you now realize that after all this time telling everybody I was the strongest player in the game, you're right. You're absolutely right. And that's why you had to go." Kick a man while he's down, why don't you? Oh, but I shouldn't mock Scott. He's right after all. He's the strongest player in the game... unless you figure in that he lost this week's Head of Household competition in the first round (even Holly beat him). Chances are Scott'll pipe up on Saturday and say he wanted to lose anyway, but that sort of runs contradictory to what he said on the hammock with Jase when he predicted that he'd win the next HOH competition. Oh well. I guess we can all get a little hazy on the details of our pompous statements.

It's too bad Mike didn't last longer in the house. He would have eaten Scott and Jase for dinner. Unfortunately for Mike, he could never rally anyone to his side due to his condescending way of talking to people. He had an attitude that connoted "I know how this works, and you don't" and when you're already older and therefore strange and alien to this cast, condescension is not really a skill set that's appreciated. It was therefore no surprise that Mike wound up engaging in uncomfortable chatter with Julie Chen.

Speaking of our favorite robotic mistress, not even the excitement of this season's first eviction could lower the stress levels of Julie C. The Head of Household competition had Julie barking at contestants to reset their color wheels, which served as lame substitutions for the always reliable red and black paddles that had determined so many previous HOHs. Later, when we learned that Adria and her twin sister Natalie were the famous twins switching in and out of the game, Julie Chen nearly had a heart attack as she prompted Adria to leave the diary room and rejoin her roommates. "Let's go!" Julie urged angrily. She really does hate it when people don't listen to her. Luckily she always has boy-toy Les Moonves to step up for her.

When Julie Chen isn't yelling at them, Adria and Natalie seem to have this con down pretty well. The producers added a nice twist that if the twins make it halfway through the season without getting noticed, both ladies will get to compete for the final prize. Here's to hoping new HOH Marvin will keep Adria (et. al.) off the chopping block. As long as they don't mess with his food, they should be all right.

Posted by B-Side at 1:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Well, it turns out that the results of this week's Big Brother eviction were not really that exciting. Mike, The Don, was evicted by a unanimous vote. While the day of eviction always gives us a little suspense, Mike was up against the whole house. CBS always tries to keep us guessing when it comes to who is leaving with selective edits of words from the diary room. If the vote is going to be close, we usually hear the houseguests voice their vote on-air minus a deciding two or three votes; with a blowout we are left guessing what everybody voted for. This week's episode featured the latter, and from there it was not hard to figure out that The Don was dead. With Jase and Scott so intent on getting rid of him, and without any qualities that enabled him to bond with any of his other housemates, it was going to take a miracle to keep Mike in the house. There was no miracle, and Mike was evicted, without anybody voting for him to stay put.

The live episodes always give us one of our favorite little joys of the week by supplying us plenty of Julie Chen banter to get us through our work days on Friday. Julie did a good job this week. She lost the Saturn V pantsuit and even had a nice couple of ad-libs during her interview with Mike. I wish she could have explained why Mike wasn't afforded a nice visit from a family member after getting chucked so early.

CBS also tormented us with the "Family Background" segment of the week starring Nakomis, Michael and their dad. Guy Dedmond, while not the spitting image of either of his two now famous kids, certainly has the family resemblance. These moments are awkward,but not because there is a good chance that the family memebers will start crying. It mostly has to do with the way the producers insist on doing a re-enactment of certain moments of the show to make it look like CBS cameras were there for their live reactions. During those times when we get letters from home, we get the old crossfade into the other person reading the letter aloud trick. Still, I am not completely hearltess, and it was nice to see that there would be happy times ahead.

As for the rest of the guests, Scott gave us a few more quotes to put on our "Why We Hate Scott" bulletin board. He showed us how much of a gracious winner he was by congratulating Mike on how good of a player he, meaning Scott, was. As much of a dope that I thought Jase was, Scott is packing even less upstairs. Apparently, they don't administer a Wunderlich test to the guys before they drop trou for Playgirl. Scott continually tries to sound like he really is a genius in his diary sessions. He talks slowly in his sessions like he is on an interview trying to convince the person across from him that he is qualified to do the job. I can just imagine him sitting back at home in front of a mirror rehearsing all of these lines he is going to use in the future.

Jase, for his part, started getting really friendly with Holly. Apparently they are spending plenty of time together and the sight of the couple together is practically inducing vomiting among the other contestants. There might have been people who thought Jase's comments on Holly's intellect being a turnoff showed a less superficial side of him. Both of you have been shown the errors of your ways. I still believe that Holly might surprise us by showing us some deeper thought, so she could be playing Jase to her advantage. Still, the Girls alliance has decided that they can't trust her with anything. For Jase, his relationship could easily cause a rift in the Four Horsemen.

For all of those people wondering if my Project DNA prediction was correct, we did indeed discover Adria has been swapping with her twin Natalie. The producers tried a little bit of deception by running a segment with the houseguests speculating about Diane and Drew, who they know had twins, and Holly, who was apparently joking when she said she had a twin, but since nobody thinks she is smart enough to go through with the plan, believed her. So why have Adria and Natalie switch out? Well, if the twins can go 5 weeks without the houseguests discovering their trickery, both twins get to play the game as themselves the rest of the time. It's a great incentive and I hope it works out, because it is going to be difficult to pull off. While Adria and Natalie talked about moles and scars to tell them apart, you folks scoring at home will notice that Natalie is packing a little more in the backside. Hmm, do you think when Marvin called Adria "Ms. Big Bootylicious" he was actually talking about Natalie without knowing it? I wonder if that will be the giveaway, you know, in the end.

Head of Household this week was decided by a game of "majority rules", quite apt considering how everybody was following Jase and Scott for the first week. Marvin ended up victorious, which was probably a surprise to everybody. Everybody assumed that it would either be another of the Horsemen or one of the Girls. Marvin in power makes for some interesting scenarios. Nobody really liked him and thought he was trying too hard at times. Depending on who he chooses, he could really tip the balance of power in the house. Conventional wisdom suggests he would go with Jase and Scott. Thank god for Mike, however, because he did inform Marvin that Jase was throwing out Marvin's name for eviction before the nomination ceremony. If this is enough to make him nominate a couple of the Horsemen will be interesting to see.

Posted by J-Unit at 11:21 PM | Permalink

The Emmy nominations came out this morning, but since this topic seems more suitable for our subdomain, TVgasm Awards, we've posted all our commentary about the subject over there.

• Emmy Nominations 2004: FOX Slightly More Popular Than PBS by J-Unit
• Television Academy to 18-49 Year Olds: We Hate You by B-Side

Posted by B-Side at 3:45 PM | Permalink

Every year the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences keeps America in suspense as we wait to see who gets nominated for such important categories as "Outstanding Single-Camera Sound Mixing For A Series". In 2004 we learn that everybody *hearts* HBO, as evidenced by its record 124 nominations. HBO had four series with double digit nominations including 21 for Angels in America and 20 for The Sopranos. NBC's West Wing was the only other show to crack double digits, with 12 nominations. Like every year, it seems as if the same people were nominated, but there were some surprises that should add a modicum of suspense to this year's ceremony.

Among the major networks, NBC once again took home the nominations, with 65, CBS was next with 44, ABC had 33 and FOX had 31. Only ABC didn't see it's number of nominations decline from the previous year, with NBC and CBS experiencing double digit drops. And to be quite honest, who can blame them? Unless the Academy creates another 50 or so reality categories, the networks may forever be playing catchup with cable. While HBO can't come up with an epic like Angels in America every year and The Sopranos only shows up every other year, shows on USA, FX, Comedy Central and Bravo are gaining more recognition each year.

Entirely too often, great shows go unrecognized and the Emmy's can be a nice way of generating a little more buzz for their cause. Sometimes these Emmy nominations come a little too late to save good shows that have been bumbled by network execs, just ask anybody who worked on Andy Richter Controls the Universe. This year, the quirky FOX comedy Arrested Development received seven nominations, but if that will be enough for it to gain some viewers or a decent time slot, we may never know. Joan of Acardia also received some surprise attention with three nominations. This being the last year of Sex and The City, Frasier, and Friends, the new rules that were intended to broaden the range of nominees might actually do some good next year.

The major category nominees are below (you can even check the odds of the winners). For the full list of nominations, check out the Official Emmy's Website. My humble choice for a winner is in gold.

Drama Series: "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation," CBS; "Joan of Arcadia," CBS; "The Sopranos," HBO; "24," Fox; "The West Wing," NBC.

Comedy Series: "Arrested Development," Fox; "Curb Your Enthusiasm," HBO; "Everybody Loves Raymond," CBS; "Sex and the City," HBO; "Will & Grace," NBC.

Miniseries: "American Family — Journey of Dreams," PBS; "Angels in America," HBO; "Horatio Hornblower," A&E; "Prime Suspect 6: The Last Witness (Masterpiece Theatre)," PBS; "Traffic: The Miniseries," USA.

Made-for-TV Movie: "And Starring Pancho Villa As Himself," HBO; "Ike: Countdown to D-Day," A&E; "The Lion in Winter," Showtime; "The Reagans," Showtime; "Something the Lord Made," HBO.

Variety, Music or Comedy Series: "Chappelle's Show," Comedy Central; "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart: Show No. 8037," Comedy Central; "Late Night With Conan O'Brien," NBC; "Late Show With David Letterman," CBS; "Saturday Night Live," NBC.

Variety, Music or Comedy Special: "A&E in Concert: Paul McCartney in Red Square," A&E; "The 76th Annual Academy Awards," ABC; "Chris Rock: Never Scared," HBO; "Elaine Stritch: At Liberty," HBO; "Ellen DeGeneres: Here and Now," HBO.

Actor, Drama Series: James Spader, "The Practice," ABC; James Gandolfini, "The Sopranos," HBO; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; Martin Sheen, "The West Wing," NBC; Anthony LaPaglia, "Without a Trace," CBS.

Actress, Drama Series: Jennifer Garner, "Alias," ABC; Amber Tamblyn, "Joan of Arcadia," CBS; Mariska Hargitay, "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit," NBC; Edie Falco, "The Sopranos," HBO; Allison Janney, "The West Wing," NBC.

Supporting Actor, Drama Series: Victor Garber, "Alias," ABC; Brad Dourif, "Deadwood," HBO; Michael Imperioli, "The Sopranos," HBO; Steve Buscemi, "The Sopranos," HBO; John Spencer, "The West Wing," NBC.

Supporting Actress, Drama Series: Robin Weigert, "Deadwood," HBO; Tyne Daly, "Judging Amy," CBS; Drea de Matteo, "The Sopranos," HBO; Janel Moloney, "The West Wing," NBC; Stockard Channing, "The West Wing," NBC.

Actor, Comedy Series: Larry David, "Curb Your Enthusiasm," HBO; John Ritter, "8 Simple Rules," ABC; Kelsey Grammer, "Frasier," NBC; Matt LeBlanc, "Friends," NBC; Tony Shalhoub, "Monk," USA.

Actress, Comedy Series: Patricia Heaton, "Everybody Loves Raymond," CBS; Jennifer Aniston, "Friends," NBC; Bonnie Hunt, "Life With Bonnie," ABC; Jane Kaczmarek, "Malcolm in the Middle," Fox; Sarah Jessica Parker, "Sex and the City," HBO.

Supporting Actor, Comedy Series: Jeffrey Tambor, "Arrested Development," Fox; Brad Garrett, "Everybody Loves Raymond," CBS; Peter Boyle, "Everybody Loves Raymond," CBS; David Hyde Pierce, "Frasier," NBC; Sean Hayes, "Will & Grace," NBC.

Supporting Actress, Comedy Series: Doris Roberts, "Everybody Loves Raymond," CBS; Kim Cattrall, "Sex and the City," HBO; Kristin Davis, "Sex and the City," HBO; Cynthia Nixon, "Sex and the City," HBO; Megan Mullally, "Will & Grace," NBC.

Actor, Miniseries or a Movie: Antonio Banderas, "And Starring Pancho Villa As Himself," HBO; Al Pacino, "Angels in America," HBO; James Brolin, "The Reagans," Showtime; Alan Rickman, "Something the Lord Made," HBO; Mos Def, "Something the Lord Made," HBO.

Actress, Miniseries or a Movie: Emma Thompson, "Angels in America," HBO; Meryl Streep, "Angels in America," HBO; Glenn Close, "The Lion in Winter," Showtime; Helen Mirren, "Prime Suspect 6: The Last Witness (Masterpiece Theatre)," PBS; Judy Davis, "The Reagans," Showtime.

Supporting Actor, Miniseries or a Movie: Patrick Wilson, "Angels in America," HBO; Justin Kirk, "Angels in America," HBO; Ben Shenkman, "Angels in America," HBO; Jeffrey Wright, "Angels in America," HBO; William H. Macy, "Stealing Sinatra," Showtime.

Supporting Actress, Miniseries or a Movie: Mary-Louise Parker, "Angels in America," HBO; Angela Lansbury, "The Blackwater Lightship (Hallmark Hall Of Fame Presentation)," CBS; Julie Andrews, "Eloise at Christmastime," ABC; Anne Heche, "Gracie's Choice," Lifetime Television; Anjelica Huston, "Iron Jawed Angels," HBO.

Posted by J-Unit at 1:45 PM | Permalink

Our favorite batch of unimaginative award nominations finally came out today, and there were a few surprises. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, I'm referring to the Emmys, television's annual love-fest to itself, when the least creative and inoffensive shows tend to find the spotlight. Here are some thoughts on a few of the categories:

Outstanding Drama

There is absolutely no reason for the West Wing to be nominated again. This show is abysmal. If I want to see people walking through hallways, I can just watch old reruns of SportsNight, which is far superior. Other than that, I don't really watch Joan of Arcadia, but I respect that voters thought out of the box for a nanosecond and nominated it. I love 24, but The Sopranos really deserves to win in this category.

Outstanding Comedy

The critics are all shocked that Arrested Development nabbed a nomination, but seriously, after nine months of a collective raging hard-on for this show, did they ever think it wouldn't? I do like Arrested Development, but it's fairly overhyped and occasionally tries too hard. Then again, it is better than almost all of the network comedies, and at least Fox didn't bail on it after six episodes (paging Undeclared,Andy Richter Controls the Universe, The Tick, Crackin' Up). Will & Grace is still relying on the same joke as it did five years ago, and guess what, it wasn't that funny then either. But bleeding heart liberals think they're somehow enlightened when they watch this show, so what can you do? Everybody Loves Raymond and Sex And The City are beyond past their primes. Thankfully the latter was put down this year. I'm glad Friends was shunned, but where's the love for Scrubs, or better yet, Reno 911!? I'll just have to settle for a Curb Your Enthusiasm win.

Outstanding Reality/Competition Program

Now this is a tough category. The Amazing Race is by far the classiest reality show on television. I may even go so far as to say it's the best. But then again, can I really deny Donald Trump and the joy that was The Apprentice? That show was more of an innovator and brought a different breed of reality star to the table. And of course, you can't count out that old seasoned veteran, Survivor which delivered one of its very best seasons ever with Pearl Islands.

Outstanding Miniseries, Outstanding Made for Television Movie, and anything to do with those categories

Come on. No one cares about these except HBO.

Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Series

Another toughie. Gotta love Conan, and after ten years, he deserves a little love. Then again, the Daily Show has been spot on with its political satire, and Letterman is the best interviewer of the bunch. I'm always a fan of SNL, but this year hasn't been great, aside from Debbie Downer. Thankfully, The Tonight Show was kicked out of the running (shed a tear for Middle America), and in its place is the much deserved Chappelle's Show. At this point, you might as well flip a coin.

Outstanding Actor in a Drama

Nothing really noteworthy here except James Spader. I'm a big fan of his icy style; although, I've never seen him on The Practice (I have a theory that every David E. Kelley show has been just a variation on elements from Picket Fences). James Gandolfini is great, but I sort of want Kiefer to win. And couldn't we have had a little love for Peter Gallagher and Adam Brody from The OC?

Outstanding Actress in a Drama

This category fails to excite me. Pundits are slaphappy that fresh blood in the form of Amber Tamblyn and Mariska Hargitay received nominations. Whoopdee doo. Just give it to Edie Falco and let's move on.

Outstanding Actor in a Comedy

Another batch of bland nominations. I love John Ritter, but the posthumous nomination is excessive. I would have thrown in Christopher Macdonald for Cracking Up, but then again, I'm the only one who actually watched that show.

Outstanding Actress in a Comedy

Someone explain to me how Kerri Kenney did not get nominated for Reno 911!, or even Cheryl Hines for Curb Your Enthusiasm. Here's who did get the nod. Patricia Heaton: too annoying these days. Jennifer Aniston: don't patronize me. Sarah Jessica Parker: she's good, but she's been better. Bonnie Hunt: Great comic talent, but not on her dreadful show. Jane Kaczmarek: the poor woman's been yelling for five years. Give her the statue already.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama

A decent crop, I suppose. Michael Imperioli clocked in his best season yet on The Sopranos. I'm just wondering when Dennis Haysbert will finally get recognized for his work on 24. Note to Academy: black people act too.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama

There's a little too much West Wing in this category. I would have liked a nod to Penny Johnson Jerald or even Reiko Aylesworth for their solid contributions to 24. Can you tell I like that show? Nevertheless, Drea De Matteo was the star of this season of The Sopranos, and she pulled it off. If anyone else grabs this award, it's a robbery.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy

With the exception of newcomer Jeffrey Tambor, this category is the same as it has been for the past four years, it seems: David Hyde Pierce, Brad Garrett, Peter Boyle, Sean Hayes. For every Academy member who glows about Joan of Arcadia representing a more open minded nomination system, please refer them to this category.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy

And I thought Supporting Actor in a Comedy was bad. This category is a joke. It's a mockery. The only new face here is Kristin Davis, who's riding the Sex and the City farewell tour as long as she can. Everyone else has been spinning in their wheels, slowly grinding their roles into predictable caricatures. Example A: Kim Catrall. I hope no one wins in this category, and if someone does, I hope she gets hit by a bus the next day.

Posted by B-Side at 12:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Last week, I complained that The Simple Life 2: Road Trip was becoming too routine, too staged. Thankfully, last night's installment did an about-face and finally provided us with an episode that let the comedy develop on its own without the help of any obvious staging, and surprise surprise, the show was actually good. Paris and Nicole were funnier last night with their snarky comments than they had been all season long in their workplace sabotages. I just hope that Bunim/Murray finally realizes the key to this show is not the outlandish pranks the girls pull, but their city girl attitudes and inside jokes - the types only friends can have on a silly, Fox-sponsored road trip.

As I've said before and I will say again, some of the best moments on this show come in the pickup - now renamed "Pink Panther" - as the girls travel the lonely highways. Last night, Nicole and Paris figured out how to use their CB radio and spent a good amount of time giving truckers woodies by providing sexual fantasies over the airwaves. Then again, just the presence of a female voice was probably enough to get these truckers going.

But there's plot to be had, so we left these funny antics in favor of the Lutz-Carillo family farm, which inexpliquably was portrayed as some psycho, Leatherface-friendly den of torpor. Unfortunately, even the most elaborate lightning and thunder effects couldn't disguise the fact that this family was actually just a regular, happy family unit. Paris and Nicole made a muddy entrance as the Pink Panther quickly became trapped in the quagmire that was the Lutz-Carillo front lawn. Next time, try the driveway. As father Lutz-Carillo and his sons worked to free the pickup from the unholy grasp of the mud, we quickly came to realize that this wasn't the typical country bumpkin family. Unlike previous hosts in Mississippi and Arkansas and Florida, these farmers were clearly hippie farmers - the type that devoted a large chunk of the 1960s to acid and hairy armpits before moving off to a small Texas farm to live organically and make pottery. Granted, this is all speculation - Bunim/Murray only went as far as to say that the family was simply just weird - but it was clear that the Lutz-Carillos were not of agrarian roots. Just look at their kids' names: Sky and Zephyr. I heard they were bummed that Moon Unit and Dweezil were taken.

For anyone still grasping for a proper image, I recommend studying Lily Tomlin and Alan Alda's performances in Flirting With Disaster.

Paterfamilias Jim clearly did not show the rigorous work ethic of other farmers we've seen. Since he only had enough money to pay for one worker, he concocted the sort of scheme that only an ex-hippie would find logical: the girls would split the work hour by hour, allowing someone to rest while the other labored. Paris noted that the plan made no sense, and for once, I don't blame her vacuousness.

The girls were supposed to start their job that afternoon, but it was rainy and drab outside, and who wants to do farm chores when it's not sunny? Paris and Nicole nabbed Sky and Zephyr (both of Paris/Nicole humping age) and hatched a plan to sneak off the property. The guys were a little hesitant at first, but Nicole quickly explained that the logistics were in their favor. With no fences and an open driveway, a quick jaunt to town would be easy-peasy, especially compared to LA, where Nicole noted she overcame gates, security, LAPD, and good ole papa Lionel. It took a lot of determination, but when you need that heroin...

Jim and his wife chuckled as the Pink Panther zoomed off to town. Not that we expected them to be mad. They were probably so stoned at that point that the draperies seemed like a Farrelly Brothers movie. Meanwhile, Paris and Nicole made a bee-line to a tanning salon where they applied spray-on tans to the unsuspecting bodies of Sky and Zephyr. Of course, Nicole was in charge of this operation, and with an eye towards blotchy-chic, she managed to give the guys a freshly dirtied look while Paris cackled over in the corner. I don't know of any tanning salon that lets customers handle the spray tools (then again, I've never been to a tanning salon, so who knows?), so I imagine that the ease with which the girls procured the spray on materials had something to do with producer intervention. However, the focus of this scene was not on Paris and Nicole smooth talking their way into being able to tan the guys; so this little element of producer meddling was fine because it wasn't passing as reality. Take notes, Bunim/Murray.

Freshly bronzed, the quartet returned home for a lovely pork-centric dinner. Apparently the evening's main course was once a beloved and prize-winning family pet. As ma and pa blabbed about how the piglets are like little puppies, Paris and Nicole tried not to vomit over images of Babe taking a cleaver to the neck. Later that night, Paris and Nicole brought the guys to a local watering hole and tried to hook them up with some girls. Nicole provided some words of wisdom about the fairer sex, noting that "girls are so shady these days." She's right. Sometimes the very girl you just spent all day with has a wildly notorious sex video that's been massively distributed around the internet. Gotta watch out who you're dealing with...

The next morning, the girls found a hen in the bed - courtesy of the producers, no doubt. Nevertheless, they cozied up to it in the latest trend of Paris/animal relations (note last week's frog incident). The girls even took pictures of the hen with a little wig on. I don't know how or why that hen was so calm. Chances are it had either gotten too big a whiff of Jim's private stash, or it had come into the trailer to die.

The hen wasn't the only farm animal acting peculiar. A dancing sheep spastically bounced around the yard, clearly hooked on Tomacco. And a tempestuous peacock spent a good amount of time squawking in the background. Jim encouraged all sorts of animal lunacy by dancing around for the sheep and cawing back to the peacock, even during breakfast. Paris and Nicole could not even hide their laughter, and neither could I honestly.

The episode ended on an amusing note as the girls drove off with an extension chord dangling from the trailer. Overall, this was a highly entertaining installment, but I was sort of hoping the girls would stumble upon Jim's hidden marajuana crop, causing the show to take a grim turn as the Lutz-Corilla's whip out shotguns and lock Paris and Nicole in a shack, sort of like on North Shore this week. But I guess I can only ask for so much.

Posted by B-Side at 8:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This week's Amazing Race reminded everybody why we watch the show. Week in, week out, the outcomes of the race is completely up in the air. With multiple ways of travel and multiple challenges to choose from, teams are constantly changing positions. A first place finish one week doesn't mean you are the favorite the next. And if you are the last team to advance, you will have plenty of chances to catch up with the pack and get into the thick of things.

Never was this concept more evident than last night's episode. After spending some time resting at the villa in Uraguay, the teams had to drive to a disco in Montevideo, and teams didn't travel two miles before people were gaining ground, or losing it. Amazing Race often requires the teams to drive themselves, which is usually not difficult, but does require some sort of sense of direction. Out of the gate, everybody is rushing to get started and few take time to look at maps. Naturally, some people take wrong turns and several of the teams lost time because they couldn't follow the map.

In Montevideo, the teams had to go into a disco and find clues among the foam and dancing people. It was a fairly easy challenge, which proved difficult only for Mirna and Charla. After arriving in the city, they had no clue how to get anywhere. They even attempted to solicit a prostitute for some information, but apparently she was shy of cameras. The married couple Chip and Kim, along with the twins Kami and Karli (who must love their parents for giving them those unoriginal misspelled first names) decided that they would form a loose alliance, but they lost each other after only 5 minutes. Remember, these were the two teams that had trouble with directions during the first week, and it looks like we will see a lot of them in the future.

The first team to arrive at the next leg of the race was Donny and Alison, and we saw that the next destination would be Buenos Aires, Argentina, and the teams would travel by ferry. The first ferry was not leaving until 4:30 AM, so because of the delay, all of the lead time Alison and Donny had at the beginning was erased. Even teams that started one hour later than them arrived in time to take the first ferry. Even Charla and Mirna made it to the first ferry in time, thanks to the ever-tiresome use of pity over Charla's condition to get them great advantage. Remember when Charla wanted to show little people could do everything the rest of us can? Well, apparently, that is implicit on the rest of the world feeling sorry for her and wanting to help her out. You can see how she is taking her equality movement forward.

Buenos Aires gave us our second detour of the race, but teams first had to make it to the grave of Evita Peron to get the clue. Those sly producers knew that Evita and her husband are buried in different cemeteries, which might cause confusion. The producers were right, as some people went to the wrong cemetery. In a little bit of a surprise, Jim and Marsha accused the Bowling Moms of sabotage after they had been told by the two residents of Palmdale that they should exchange money. After spending some time in line at the currency exchange and seeing no other team, Jim and Marsha left, with Jim cursing the Bowling Moms along the way.

Alison and Donny were still in command until the teams got to the detour, which had everybody decide between walking eight dogs for a mile or driving a mile away and doing a tango line-up. I'll admit, I fell for the dog-walking ruse myself. Last year teams had a challenge where they had to find a matching masquerade mask, and it was the absolute death for one team. The dog walkers had a very difficult task, that not only had them navigating the streets of Buenos Aires, but trying to control eight dogs as well. Every team that chose this challenge lost lots of ground including Donny and Alison, the Bowling Moms, the Twins, and Bob and Joyce. Only the Twins and Bob and Joyce were able to complete this challenge, and the twins needed help from a local. Still, I was happy to see some people choose the dog challenge, because it was hilarious watching the dogs try to hump each other when their masters weren't moving them along.

After all of this, Charla and Mirna were ahead, with the Christians Brandon and Nicole right behind them. The next mission was a road block, where one team member had to grab the scarf off of a cow. It was fairly easy, but when contemplating the challenge Charla came out of nowhere to ask if it might involve sticking your arm up the cow's butt. Mirna wasn't having any of that until she looked at Charla and realized there was no way she could do the challenge.

The real interesting part of this challenge had nothing to do with the task, but the choices the teams had made earlier with regards to their transporation. Everybody chose a taxi except for the Twins, Chip/Kim, who shared the same bus, and Donny/Alison. It soon became evident that the race was going to be to see who was last among these teams. The former alliance partners Kami/Karli and Chip/Kim believed that they were far behind and that it was a race between them for the final spot. As the twins went to hail a cab from the bus station, Chip sat in the cab and would not leave, causing a very awkward moment between these teams who had earlier respected each other. Another taxi came, and the two teams raced for the final challenge and then the final pit stop, not knowing it didn't matter.

CBS didn't even try to make the final minutes suspenseful. Donny and Alison not only took a bus, but took a bus that made stops, meaning they were so much farther behind everybody else and completed the infamous "First to Worst" transition in the standings. As strong as they were the first week, their bad decisions and lack of communication and trust led to a horrible finish. Donny even said the whole experience would have him re-evaluate his relationship with Alison. Now, we all saw her last year, so I am not sure what more he thought he could learn that he already didn't know, but it looks like this relationship is kaputz, at least for now.

While I can't say that I am sad that Alison and Donny are gone, I believe that as a team they added a lot to the show. Their arguments led to good drama, and Alison's (admittedly grating)personality seems geared for reality show moments. Can anybody honestly say that Colin and Christie have brought anything to the show? The Christian Models are not exactly tearing things up, but at least their arguments add a little spice. The Pizza Brothers Marshall and Lance are thuggish and mean, with not a hint of charm or humor to make you want to listen to what they say.

The class of this group is clearly the Bowling Moms, who have a great personality, but have also proved to be fairly adept competitors. I also like Bob and Joyce because there is probably a video of them having sex that nobody wants to find (they did meet on the internet). The Twins and Chip/Kim have been great; they have easily had the most stress finishing of any group. For me, I am on the fence about Charla and Mirna. They are funny and they are really great to watch as they contemplate all of their decisions, but they are teetering on the edge of the very annoying - they think everybody should want to be their friends, but haven't tried to reach out to anybody themselves.

Posted by J-Unit at 1:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Yesterday on Big Brother, we were told to "call a spade a spade" by both Mike and Jase. You see, Jase and Scott are not really in an alliance(or lusting after each other's tanned bodies), and TVgasm has the proof:

You will need QuickTime to watch the video.

Posted by J-Unit at 11:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

How great is it to have Big Brother back? After only three episodes, this season is priming up to be fantastic. We've already got a colorful stable of characters who are polarizing faster than Michael Moore pundits. Score one for the topical reference! Mike, who at some point acquired the nickname "The Don", has become the house scapegoat. Everyone's so afraid to go near him you'd think he somehow contracted leprosy in the diary room. Unlike previous week one nominees, however, he's not going down without a fight. Last year, Amanda's strategy was to have sex with David. This year, Mike made a more productive move: divide and conquer. Or at least, divide. He may not have gained any allies, but at least he's done a good job of raising anti-Scott and Jase sentiment. And no bandana can refute that.

Mike's first duty as house pariah was to talk circles around the dunderhead duo of Scott and Jase. When Scott noted that Mike's nomination was due to him forming alliances, Mike keenly pointed out that Scott too was in an alliance with Jase. For some odd reason, Scott vehemently denied this, saying that they're just really good friends. Interesting.

Later, Mike called out Jase in a similar fashion. A new and welcomed veto twist meant that the Head of Household had to pick a partner to compete with, and when Mike said Jase should just admit his chosen one will be Scott, Jase got a case of the huminah huminahs. Like his partner in crime (and headwear), Jase full out denied any sort of alliance with Scott, once again insisting that they're just friends. Very very close friends... who share clothing... and pat each other on the ass. Yes, that's right. At one point in tonight's program, Scotty gave Jase a little love pat on the derriere. Nothing too big, just enough to say "Hey buddy, I'm here. And I love you."

Mike tried his hardest in the veto challenge, and he damn near won the thing, but lucky Jase managed to get his rival eliminated. This resulted in a victory dance and a little dap from Scott, not that they have an alliance or anything. They just both happen to be rooting independently for a similar outcome. Oh, and that hushed whispering during the challenge, that was just a discussion of how much they're not in an alliance.

Later Scott chose some peculiar words during the veto ceremony. As the winner of the GOLDEN POWER OF VETO (RAH!!!), Scott explained to the house guests why Mike was nominated: Jase felt like Mike was a gamer, Scott said, and therefore "we" nominated him. I imagine that's not the Royal We. So let's get this straight. Even though Jase and Scott strategize in the Head of Household room, and even though they speak on behalf of each other regarding nominations, they're not an alliance? Luckily, not a single person in the house believed them, which would make sense since the charade was about as thinly veiled as Will's homosexual card, which he finally played to no real effect.

Prior to Will's official outing, the "four horsemen" pondered his sexual orientation. They noted that he seemed gay enough to spend lots of time with the ladies, but not gay enough to freak the guys out. Suddenly the four shirtless dudes let out an uncomfortably nervous laugh as they realized they actually looked gayer than Will.

Speaking of Will, our resident nurse was up to a little scheming tonight as well. He caught wind of a brewing distaff alliance led by Diane and Adria, and when it became clear that his role in this group would be cursory at best, he quickly ran to the men to alert them of estrogen troubles ahead. Scott and Jase were so incensed that others would try to undermine them that they actually entertained the thought of saving Mike and putting up Adria, or "A" as they now call her. Of course, this was only a passing fancy, but it's always good to see strategies slowly unravelling.

As these two alliances quickly solidify, chaos will reign supreme. No one seems to realize that if an alliance is greater than three people, it will implode. Remember last season's ill-fated plan to get rid of the ex's? Or the alliance of 6 from the third season? Both were formed early and both were decimated after only the third or fourth week. Any group larger than three will have an inner core and an outer circle. It's always those people on the fringes that will stray in order to get better position elsewhere. I can't wait for these two alliances to completely collapse, leaving Will, Holly, and Marvin to pick up the pieces.

Speaking of Holly, our favorite house dolt continues to amaze with idiotic stories about her mannequin named "Madame". Jase and others looked on in sheer bewilderment as Holly prattled along, but only Marvin picked up on what I've been suspicious of the past few days - maybe Holly is a shrewder player than we ever thought. Granted, Marvin had a more eloquent way of saying it. Something along the lines of "bitch could be an MIT graduate". I feel you, Marvin.

I also feel for Marvin because he seems to be left out from the current wave of camo patterns that has taken the house by storm. Just when I'd come to accept the presence of the almighty bandana, the Jase/Scott axis flooded the house with camo patterns, most notably with hats, but also in the form of cargo shorts and pants. Granted, Jase was in the military, but something tells me these fatigues came from Urban Outfitters, not urban warfare. And so with Jase donning a camo patterned trucker cap over his already noxious bandana, another fledgling fashion trend died an early death. All across Hollywood tonight, hipsters will be burning their camo garb (don't worry Jase. Ashlee Simpson also contributed to the backlash, I imagine). I don't know, America. Last episode, the bandana took center court. Tonight, the camo. I just don't know what Thursday has in store for us. To borrow a word from Michael's personal lexicon, this whole sartorial situation is a little "nervous-ing".

Posted by B-Side at 12:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

This year's edition of Big Brother is really off to a ridiculous start. There has been more scheming and confrontation in this first week than there was in the first month of last season. We received a new twist into the Power of Veto, Project DNA seems to have taken a little bit of a hiatus for the moment, and Jase and Scott have showed us that no matter how dumb and macho we think they are, they will do their best to outdo themselves the next week. Faced with the hegemony that is Jase and Scott, other members in the house started to circle the wagons in anticipation of the epic battle that is sure to come.

The central focus of this episode was Jase's nomination of Mike, or "The Don" as they have taken to calling him, not so much for the depth of his machinations as the fact that he is the oldest. Mike does have an uphill battle. Unlike other people who have carried "the oldest" label in past years, Mike does not bring that quirky lovableness that is necessary for the aged to stick around. He is not particularly flashy, and fearing backlash from Jase and Scott, the rest of the house has made him a social outcast.

Now, some people would mope around and be resigned to the fact that they have a whole house of people against them. Mike, however, is not one of those people. Unlike some people who have become favorites to be voted first, he has decided that he is going to confront people and say things that nobody else wants to hear, if for nothing else than to force them to think about actions other than the safe bet of voting him out. This strategy was highly evident in a couple of scenes where he confronted Scott and Jase about their alliance, or partnership. Both guys denied that they had any special tie to the other when Mike singled them out. Mike wasn't superbly eloquent in his confrontations with these two, but was obviously bringing the heavy brainpower into the conversation and neither Jase nor Scott was able to come up with a rebuttal. Jase even walked away from the conversation, seeing how outclassed he was.

I believe that Jase and Scott are completely idiotic for believing that their alliance of the Four Horsemen(Scott, Jase, Michael, Drew) is going to last for any significant period of time. Their absolute devotion to this alliance and their absolute faith in the strength of their strategy is a necessary component to the rest of the game, so I am able to tolerate it for now. Everything in the house revolves around the basis that Jase and Scott are as good as one person. Diane, even though she was given notice about her scheming ways, went right back to scheming after seeing Nakomis and Mike were up on the block and that voting Mike was almost a sure thing.

The dynamic has shifted to one that is classic for people who have watched the show. We have two sets of power groups and a group of "floaters" that do not have strong ties to the other groups. Some people choose to float around with loose alliances, believing that avoiding outward signals of partnership makes them less of a threat. Some people choose to float because they know that without a strong alliance, they can be in demand when it comes time for voting and therefore they have a bargaining chip. Still others are forced to float because they don't fit in anywhere and nobody wants them as part of their alliance.

The two power groups are the Four Horsemen and The Girls(Diane, Adria, Nakomis,Lori) . Power groups often break down along gender lines, and it is no different this year. The hyper masculinity of Jase and Scott simply accelerated the process this year. The Four Horsemen really believe they hold all of the cards and that they won't have to show their hand until the end. The Girls, meanwhile, are relying on the arrogance of the other group as part of their strategy. They believe that as long as the Horseman are confident enough, they will weaken their alliance unintentionally, thereby allowing the Girls to pick them off one by one.

An interesting addition this year is the change to the Power of Veto. The Veto is a good concept but rarely gets used. Their is little incentive to use it unless you are on the block yourself or a very strong ally has a chance of being voted out. Otherwise, there is too great a chance that the veto will backfire. In an effort to give people more incentive to use the veto, the two nominees and the head of household get to pick one person each to participate. The thought goes that the person up for nomination will choose somebody who would remove their name from consideration if they win the veto. Mike picked Holly, believing he wanted the least amount of competition against him and Nakomis picked Drew, knowing he would be in lock step with Jase and Scott's nomination of Mike and wouldn't upset the current situation. Even after denying that he and Scott had no special relationship the day before to Mike, Jase, sporting the worst bandana turned Zorro mask on the planet, indeed picked Scott as his partner.

Although Mike put up a good fight, Scott ended up winning veto. Jase and Scott were so busy relishing all of the power they held in the house, they forgot to notice that by winning everything in the first week, they are setting themselves up as targets. If anybody in the house didn't see the pair as a threat before, the fact those two held Head of Household and Veto power should wake everybody up.

There was some good work by CBS to introduce some drama into the Veto ceremony. As previously noted, Diane was scheming like crazy. Since any girls team must include the gay man, she filled Will about their plans. She made "a serious mistake", according to Will, by mentioning that she will take him and Drew "as far as possible". This made will believe he was simply a pawn, and he told Drew, who of course filled in the Horsemen. It was a huge turn for Will, because I don't believe that he has a chance trying to garner influence from the Horsemen. He has a better shot of going with the girls and trying to break up that alliance later on. In the end, the veto turned out like most; Scott didn't use it. Nakomis and Mike will battle for votes on the next episode.

My contention is that CBS should give the person with Veto power the ability to choose who the person going on the block is going to be. This would add not only intrigue to the Veto process, but would make nominations much more strategic. It would work with the full cast, or the subset like they use this year.

On a side note: Ladies if you can't get enough of Jase and Scott, move to LA at the end of this season. These two are almost guaranteed to be moving in search of acting careers. Therefore, you will be able to find them as trainers at 24 Hour Fitness, probably the one on Sunset.

Lastly, I want to speak a little bit about project DNA. There are two sets of twins the audience knows about: Drew and his twin, and Diane and her twin. There is a third set that hasn't been revealed yet: Adria and her twin. It's almost a guarantee that Adria and her twin will be picked for the switcheroo because of their profile and it would add another twist for the audience when an unknown set of twins appears. I wouldn't put it past CBS to have Diane and her twin go on either, because Diane has been trying to scheme like crazy almost like she knew a little more than she let on. CBS could even decide to reveal one set of switching, and then reveal a second group was switching without anybody knowing it.

Posted by J-Unit at 12:11 AM | Permalink

This week, North Shore continued it's on again, off again relationship with its fans with what can be considered the best episode of the season. By some form of chance, all of the good episodes are also the same episodes where the viewers are given Mary Kate sized bites of Gabriel. As an added bonus, the producers left us with Ashley sized pieces of Nicole. Without the burden of keeping those two story lines afloat, the writers were able to concentrate on more important things, like MJ and Tessa and the story behind their crazy exes.

Although North Shore made strides with the disappearance of Nicole and Gabriel, we still get a little too much face time with Vincent. If anybody could use a little more bite in this show, it is Vincent. I mean, does anybody actually believe that he is going to follow through with one of his firings? This time, we get to listen in as Vincent is complaining about a proposed advertisement for his hotel. We also see that he is a little paranoid because he believes Morgan has come to Hawaii to get his hands on more than his fiancee. Jason is elated, of course, because this revelation into Vincent's psyche gives him cart blanche to continue his passive-agressive games with Morgan and Nicole.

Some of you may remember those periods in time earlier this year when The OC wasn't aired for like 3 or 4 weeks in a row? If were going through withdrawal, your only choice for Tuesday night pleasure was probably 24. Some of you who weren't fans (as if) might have even learned to like watching Kiefer and friends fight doublecross after doublecross before the final big twist at the end of the episode. I believe the North Shore writers had the same experience because there is more intrigue than ever at the Grand Waimameia.

During the episode where we got Tessa, we were dropped a little hint that her boyfriend would be back, and he wasn't going to go away without a fight. As Tessa is checking in a new guest, Kendall, we hear that she recently lost her husband, but she met a great guy at the airport who has swept her off of her feet. That great guy is, of course, Roy, Tessa's ex-boyfriend and partner in crime. He is now going by Austin and is looking to scam the vulnerable widow out of her expensive jewelry. Tessa is conflicted, but doesn't want to blow the whistle for fear of exposing her own sordid past and losing her job.

Always doing his job with a blender in one hand and a blunt in the other, Frankie is chatting up Kate, assistant to David Salzman, an ad executive in town to pitch some ideas for the Hotel's ad campaign. You see, Kate does all the work, and her boss gets all of the credit. Not important enough to have Michael Moore take on her cause, Kate must trudge on through life, only one bad day away from life as a barista. Frankie gives her some bartender/philosophical stoner advice and they share a moment staring into each other's glazed eyes. The moment was a little too long because Gabriel announces "Lobster Alert". Seems like David Salzman forgot the Banana Boat and has been burned worse than Gary Payton on a pick and roll.

Roy, meanwhile, corners Tessa and explains that he only needs to get the combination to the safety deposit box in Kendall's hotel room and he can grab the jewels and they will have enough money to live for a year without problems. Tessa, who is aware of rumors that guests at another hotel were assaulted and robbed, warns Roy he should leave and forget about it. Roy follows Tessa home, confronts her with their history, and they proceed to get busy, seemingly back for one more ride together.

Also out for a ride are MJ and Chris. Although they were planning on doing some hiking, Chris decided that they should take a nice horseback ride to a nice private beach. Although Chris leads his own sports rental and outdoor vacation company, he loses his way and he and his girl are smack dab in the middle of a cannabis farm. Some guy with a sawed off chases them off, but another guy on a dirtbike corners them and they are forced back to a small shack in the woods to await there fait. What transpires is a sequence of semi-intentional comedy that is hard to beat. You see, MJ and Chris are finally alone, so they spend this time shackled, getting to know each other better. When their captors finally decide what to do with them, it becomes apparent that the leader of these amateur horticulturists is actually a friend of MJ's from high school. We are left with MJ delivering an exchange of slang that is much more Mickey Mouse Club than tortured island teen. Between Frankie and MJ, is there any criminal on the island they don't know? MJs friend is even kind enough to give them directions to the private beach they were looking for earlier, and MJ and Chris do their best From Here to Eternity impression, doing a little "I want to get to know you" while the waves crash on the sand. Thank god, because MJ is a bitch when she is horny, and we can't take any more sexual innuendo from Gabriel.

So we have the main plots, the subplots, a the cameo (Jasmine Trias from American Idol), the only thing left to introduce is the lucky hotel guest that Jason is going to try and sleep with this week. She is none other than our own assistant Kate. After being forced to do the ad pitch on her own, she confesses that she has no advertising experience and that she is but a peon. Luckily for her, Jason needs some nookie, so not only does he let Kate pitch the final ad campaign to Vincent(which he loves), he throws in a little former boss humiliation just for good measure. And just when Jason thinks he has some bi-monthly poon ready to go, we learn that Frankie already has her dinner plans locked up for the near future. Love Rhombus strikes again!

In other matters of love, Tessa seems to have come around and is determined to warn Kendall that her sweetheart is really an abusive asswipe that she should have nothing to do with. Roy walks in on the two women chatting and convinces Kendall that Tessa is lying and tried to seduce him. What's more, Vincent confronts Tessa with her criminal record and finally fires her from the hotel. With no choice but to help Roy, she helps him steal Kendall's jewels and make a get away. But wait! You see, Tessa finally told the truth about her past to Vincent, including her troubles with Roy and his plans in the hotel. With that knowledge, they contact the police, who take Roy away after finding the jewels from Kendall and a Rolex and bank roll from the guests who were attacked at other hotels in the island.

Vincent, who still hasn't fired anybody yet, tells Tessa he believes in second chances and knows that while she hasn't come completely clean, she still has a job. In the final 24 twist, worthy of 24, we learn that Tessa and Kendall not only know each other, but Tessa arranged her whole visit in order to trap her former partner. Et tu Tessa? Yes. The girls split the proceeds of their little escapade(there was a $10,000 reward for capturing the person who assaulted the hotel guests), and we are left wondering what craziness they are up to next.

While this episode was true to form, it looks like next week may be another down one. Nicole and Morgan are prominently featured, but perhaps this new flavor of 24 inspiration will give us something better to talk about.

Posted by J-Unit at 4:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Shock of shocks. Bunim/Murray got their act together and pulled off a surprisingly good (relatively speaking) episode of Road Rules. Not only did we get a new and unique challenge, but the kids kept their idiotic chatter to a minimum. Plus we were even treated to that most serious of ceremonies: the hallowed voting off of a cast member, and in tonight's case, that meant Danny. Who would have thunk it?

In case you were having doubts about Danny's longterm prospects on the show, Bunim/Murray was quick to bolster your suspicions early in last night's episode. While the rest of the campers happily commented on the beautiful Chilean countryside, Danny noted that he finally feels accepted by the team and that he really thinks he's contributing now. Now, there's a certain logic to all Road Rules shows. Whatever a character says in the beginning of an episode will be disproved by the end. If someone says that he's worried about his place in the team, he will be indispensable in that episode's challenge. If someone thinks someone else is annoying, everything will be water under the bridge by the ending credits. And of course, if someone is blabbing about how secure he or she feels within the team, chances are that person will face a major betrayal. It's simple Bunim/Murray logic, people.

In this case, with Danny finally feeling less like a black, or pink, sheep, it was clear that something bad would befall him, and given the fact that MTV had heavily hyped this episode by saying someone would be going home, it wasn't hard to fit the pieces together. So what is left for a humble viewer to do? In my case, I relished the chance to see how this sextet would somehow fail their next mission.

Luckily for me, the challenge was actually pretty interesting. In pairs of two, the kiddos had to navigate a course on a dune buggy with the catch being that the passenger would control the gas and brakes and, of course, be blindfolded. Wow. I guess the mission designers have a few sparks of creativity left in them after all. The first two rounds passed without incident. Derrick and Ibis had a minor snafu when their engine stalled out, and Danny and Patrick swiftly zoomed to the finish line with nary a problem. This again led to more Bunim/Murray misdirection as Danny chimed in about how he really is pulling his weight now and tra la la he's a member of the team. Yay!

Unfortunately, things went sour for the Road Rulers real quick. The tandem driving force of Kina and Jodie took to the reigns of the dune buggy like... like... I don't know. Like something awful driving something dangerous. The point is that I wouldn't trust these two on a country lane, let alone blindfolded and bouncing around on an offroading course. Sure enough, Kina and Jodie - aka Panic and Hysteria - hit a bump or a curve too fast and went rolling off the course in a dusty wipeout that the producers simply relished. Amazingly, the windshield camera caught Jodie reaching her hand out of the roll cage as the car tumbled through the dirt. Now Jodie, I know you're not the sharpest tool in the shed, or even the world, but if you like to pick things up with your hand or touch things with your hand or even casually gaze at your hand, don't put it in a place where it can be crushed by the weight of a heavy piece of machinery, or in this case, a dune buggy. Mmmkay?

Of course, this magnificent crash (and by the way, even cold-hearted me was glad no one was seriously injured) resulted not only in the team losing the challenge, but Jodie and Kina turning into teary, bluthery messes. I suppose that's understandable. It's sort of a study in contrasts when compared to last year's Amazing Race when John similarly wiped out on a buggy. The only difference was that instead of bawling, he laughed hysterically.

Well, losing at the dune buggy competition meant only one thing. Time to vote someone off. Danny immediately assumed his grim "This is NOT funny" face, which I can understand since he was the most obvious target. He tried a lame little campaign against Jodie, saying that because she failed the mission, she should go. But Danny, didn't you fail the first mission, also contributing to this situation? Apparently that's a silly flaw in his logic. Danny rationalized that he's pulled his weight in every mission, whereas Jodie has not. So let's go down memory lane and do a quick recap of Danny's tenure on Road Rules. He whined during the volcano mission, he needed the constant help of Derrick during the waterfall mission (which he almost blew because he had been vomitting in a bucket the previous 12 hours), and of course he completely lost the cow mission for the team. But then again, last week he drew pictures of snails, trees, flags, and houses really well!

The ejection discussion was fairly straightforward with Derrick casting his first vote towards Danny. He strung together a list of clichés, ranging from "I wanted to tell you man to man" to "it's nothing personal". About the only thing he didn't say was "It's not you, it's me." Nevertheless, everyone cited Danny's lack of willpower in the cow challenge as grounds for dismissal, and as each new vote was cast, Danny slunk lower and lower into his jacket of shame. Note that this was one of the rare sleeved Danny moments. I guess those guns only come out during happy times. Watch out, they'll get ya!

Kina, Ibis and Jodie of course cried through the entire process, and Danny topped off this ceremony by adding the passive aggressive comment, "I'm obviously going home, so I'll get my stuff." Later, with Patrick and Derrick trying super hard to seem sad, the group huddled together in a hug. Someone insisted that Danny sing the song one last time. Um, what song? But no, Danny was too saddened. Nevermind, everyone decided they'd sing it anyway. And here's how it went: "1...2...3...Danny!" Was that it? That's the worst song of all time!

Oh well. Next week promises good times when fresh blood enters the mix. Patrick insists that he already doesn't like the new guy. But why? He didn't do anything. He's not trying to screw things up. As long as this replacement isn't as annoying as last year's Tina, whose voice I liken to a buzzard doing a Joan Rivers impression while slowly drowning, I'll be happy.

Posted by B-Side at 12:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The North Shore was back to its silly antics this week as several cast members found themselves in contrived and campy scenarios. MJ and Chris's date went sour when they accidentally got abducted by pot farmers. Oops! Tessa meanwhile orchestrated a police sting on her con artist ex. And Brooke Burns, well, she did nothing. Hmmm... I wonder if that's why this episode was a notch above the rest.

For the five people who watch this show, it's become particularly painful to watch the endless "romantic" intrigue between Jason and Nicole. I personally am not against the storyline per se, but when you have an actress with the acting ability of a thimble carrying the load, the plot becomes somewhat laborious. That's why it was particularly refreshing to have the Jason/Nicole saga pushed firmly to the sidelines this week. Brooke Burns must have been getting a collagen injection because she surfaced for only two or three scenes. Oh, but did she surface. Within seconds of the opening credits rolling, Brooke had us in stitches when she executed a melodramatic slap. As if that weren't bad enough, her ensuing gasp provided the follow-up to a tremendously clunky dramatic moment. Brooke rattled off some lines about Jason and topped off the scene with what was supposed to be an emotional embrace with her fiance, but was more like what you'd imagine a grown man would look like hugging a crash test dummy.

While Jason and Nicole tinkered in their love rhombus, Tessa had a mess of her own. Her old con artist flame returned to the Grand Waimeia resort to make one more big score at the expense of a vulnerable Southern twit (who later turned out to be Tessa's secret co-conspirator). His arrival came in the midst of reports that tourists from around the island had been beaten up and robbed. Later, when American Idol 3 loser Jasmine Trias popped up for a meaningless cameo, I sincerely hoped she too would be beaten up by these island thugs. Nevertheless, the reappearance of Tessa's old partner in crime had her shaken, which led to Jason's comment "You look as pale as a sheet". Or a ghost, but I'm just saying. Similes can be very difficult for non-OC writers.

The good news for these writers though is that they finally injected some life into the bland Vincent character, whose boring presence is not helped by James Remar's limited acting range. When Morgan tried to aim his passive aggressive cannon at the hotelier, Vincent shot him down with a formidable verbal smackdown. And then he went back to being bland and forgettable. Listen, it's a start - although with the ratings dwindling, this show might need more than an occasional Vincent spark.

Gabriel isn't helping with anything. He's still spending more time at the bar than in his lifeguard chair. When resident stoner Frankie noted that he should get back to work, Gabriel moped again about how this wasn't what he left Daytona for. Doesn't this character have any new notes to hit on? I'm a little tired of his constant bawling. Just go out and surf already.

Speaking of spinning its wheels, the ongoing romance of MJ and Chris reached new levels of lunacy this week. The two went hiking, which in this case meant horseback riding, and for the first half of the show, we saw them trotting around the Hawaiian wilderness, slowly descending into what we hoped would be a Blair Witch scenario. Then just when our eyelids were getting heavy, polygon-faced Chris asked "Do you smell something?" to which MJ exclaimed "Uh oh. Marajuana!" Suddenly a bunch of Hawaiian thugs popped up with shotguns and abducted the horny duo. I don't know what had thrown me more: the bizarre plot development or MJ's amazingly wooden line.

Sadly, the two lovebirds were not shot in the head. Instead they were locked in a little shack where they opted to share stories about their career and family rather than devise any sort of escape plan. Personally, I would have loved to have seen MJ execute a hackneyed Maguyver type scheme.

Eventually, the writers realized they had dug their characters into a major hole - after all, the whole point of this afternoon hike was for MJ and Chris to have sex for the first time. Without a moment to spare, the writers hauled in the deus ex machina, which in this case was the druglord who just happened to be MJ's old high school friend. Great. Everything was suddenly all good, and MJ - forgetting that she was, you know, bound and captive - took the time to catch up with her old friend. When he said that she looked great, she awkwardly - and I mean awkwardly - responded "You too, Brah!" Now let's get something straight. Very few people, if any at all, can get away with saying "Brah" in real life. Even fewer people can get away with saying it on TV. How this line survived the table read is beyond me, but at least it made me cackle. Come to think of it, the last time I laughed that loudly was that one time when MJ said "Uh oh. Marajuana!" Oh wait, that was like five minutes ago.

The good news for MJ and Chris was that their little snafu with the druglords didn't dampen the mood. They found a private beach (with the help of the pot kingpin - how nice of him!) where they did the nasty in the waves. I hoped a jellyfish might wash onto the duo - hey, stranger things have happened in this episode - but alas, the two finally consummated their love in peace.

Back at the hotel, Jason's love rhombus grew more complex as he fell for Kate, a downtrodden assistant turned executive (played by one time TVgasm friend Chyler Leigh). Freshly burned by Nicole, Jason asked Kate out to dinner, but she revealed that she already had plans with... Frankie? Looks like the dredded one wants to up his role in the love rhombus. I guess we'll see how this plays out over the next few weeks. I can't say that I'm not looking forward to it. Any time Brooke Burns is relegated to the sidelines, I'm happy.

Posted by B-Side at 11:45 PM | Permalink

Yeah, I know it's been literally a week since the last episode of The Casino aired, but in that time, we've had the season premieres of Big Brother and Amazing Race, not to mention our normal slate of Real World, Road Rules, and Simple Life. Toss a second Big Brother episode on top of that and a weekend trip to the Northeast and understandably newbie The Casino got the short thrift. Now maybe if the show could provide slightly more compelling content, it might get bumped up on my TVgasm commentary list. Unfortunately, while the stories it tells are enjoyable enough, the show has become increasingly staged, and I'm finding it harder and harder to disavow those critics who refuse to watch it because of all the phoniness.

I can deal with some staging. Every good reality show relies on the gentle prompting and finesses of seasoned producers who know how to tell a good story. Mark Burnett occassionally crosses the line - that episode of The Restaurant that had Rocco DiSpirito crying outside his bistro was a bit much - but usually, the characters and scenarios are compelling enough that the producers can sit back and watch the pieces fall. The Casino, however, doesn't seem to have faith in its subject because the producers (Mark Burnett and company, again) force these characters and situations onto us that feel completely staged. What's the point of seeing a reality show about a casino if it's not even organic reality? We might as well watch Las Vegas.

For those not convinced that Mark Burnett has overstepped his bounds, take a look at last week's episode. It started off with an oh-so-spontaneous bet between Tim and Tom. Whoever could get to work fastest would win $5,000. How convenient that Mark Burnett decided on that very morning to have a helicopter hovering just over casa del TimTom. We were treated to a random and over edited sequence as the two burnt rubber to get to the Golden Nugget. Tim, the more swaggering of the two, of course arrived first, ostentatiously skidding into the valet area. Viewers were left to wonder what the hell was that while the two casino owners trotted into their kingdom.

Truth is that I'm sure the bet actually did take place, but the cameras probably missed it all, so they had to recreate it. That's not necessarily a despicable technique. Reshoots have been part of the documentary genre since Nanook of the North (seriously), but there's something so blatantly stagey about this show lately that it's getting harder and harder to overlook these transgressions.

Take the case of Eulisha and her friend Joan. Riding into town in a glossy Porshe, Eulisha stated that she wanted to win some money so she could pay off her car. It was a decent premise, especially since not even Mark Burnett could rig the odds to favor this happy Mo'Nique doppleganger. Only moments after checking in, however, Eulisha and Joan decided not to hit the casino floor but instead work their booties off in the gym. On the treadmills they found psychic Justine who got along just swimmingly with these women and lo and behold, an impromptu fortune telling session was suddenly taking place right there in the middle of the spa. Now why is this curious? Well, when Joan and Eulisha walked into the gym, Justine was the only one on the treadmills, and even though there were many others to choose from, our two gals decided to take the machines to the immediate right and left of the psychic. Now, if you hit the treadmills with a buddy, do you ever split up so a stranger can run between you? If anything, you take the two machines that are the farthest from the next person. But not on The Casino. Apparently everyone flanks random people in the gym. Unless... it was staged! Actually, the more damning evidence was Joan's lame attempt at acting surprised to find a psychic. The scene was clunkier than one of Reno 911!'s fake public service announcements.

I'm not much of a conspiracy theorist, but later in the episode, Eulisha kept hitting the numbers Justine had predicted for her. I couldn't help wondering if the psychic intervention was filmed after the roulette shenanigans. Adding more fuel to the fire was the convenient appearance at the roulette table of said psychic along with the Lorentz family, who were in Vegas to win some money for a trip to Disney World. Hmmm... what are the chances that five of the major guest characters we've been following would all wind up at this roulette table? Funny how the Golden Nugget brings people together.

After winning some cashola, Eulisha went to Zax to watch Matt Dusk croon away. Why does everyone go to Zax? Oh yeah, that's right. Mark Burnett pays them to. Well, Eulisha completely fell in love with Matt, and he was so flattered that he invited her on stage to sing Amazing Grace. Savvy viewers will remember that this guy is the type that hates bringing people on stage. I wonder why he changed his tune? Could it beee... satan? Or just the insistence of producers?

Elsewhere in the Golden Nugget, our jolly croupier, Tommy, continued to reach for the stars in hopes of one day being a casino host. His first internly duty was to babysit a local cowboy (the same rowdy ne'erdowell from the prostitution episode). Amazingly, this guy was a handfull - not that the presence of cameras had anything to do with that... Later, when Tommy's one-time sexual partner came to play blackjack, he landed in hot water for dealing to her. He insisted that she wasn't even his girlfriend, although he had "tagged her" a few times. Tagged? Does this mean she's available at your local grocery store?

Unfortunately for Tommy, it's illegal to deal to relatives or friends or associates. Oops. Luckily Tommy's ornery boss, Monique, used her eagle eyes to rat out her little minion. Mark Burnett tried to have us believe this was because she felt insecure about Tommy potentially leapfrogging her in the casino foodchain by becoming a host. I personally think it's because Tommy did something ILLEGAL. Well, the parade of obviously pre-planned scenes continued as a mustacioed bigwig acted like a tough guy and said he was thiiiis close to firing Tommy. He dropped a few f-bombs and told Tommy to stop chasing tail. This all would have been very convincing if the guy didn't have a little smile on his face the whole time. It's a bad sign when you can't even get through the reenactment with a straight face.

Mark Burnett usually produces the best reality shows on television, and with a whole casino at his disposal, it disheartens me that he has to squeeze out these forced stories. For shame, Mark Burnett. You can do better.

Posted by B-Side at 11:26 AM | Permalink

It is already well-known that Katrina Campins, ex-reality star of NBC's hit The Apprentice has already surgically augmented herself. She is unabashed about it and famously states that any woman who hasn't used sex appeal to her advantage simply "hasn't learned how to yet". Katrina probably thought her implants would last her until she came to that point in her life when she decided she needed some colagen or botox. That is until she was left a "bloody mess" following an altercation with some tow truck drivers.

According to the New York Post Katrina and her fiancée Ben Moss were spending the day planning their upcoming wedding at the Trump Sonesta Resort but returned to their car, which was parked in a shopping center across town to find it being towed. When the two lovebirds failed to convince the driver, Donald Seay, to stop towing their vehicle, the driver refused.

The couple took a cab back to Seay Towing office where conflicting reports abound about what happened next. According to Campins' lawyer Stuart Grossman, a melee developed when several people attacked Moss, who apparently never played Vice City and doesn't know how to handle himself in Miami. The altercation left Moss battered and Katrina with a broken nose. The couple plans to file a civil suit and a police investigation is underway.

Why didn't Katrina use the valet at the Trump resort? Who knows. Perhaps the resort doesn't have one, but that is not likely. Most likely the betrothed balked at the price, like many of us do. Sure you may save the $10-50 dollars you might have to pay to use the service all day, but if you add up the cost of having you car towed plus the cost of plastic surgery yo fix your busted nose before your wedding in two months, you should always come out on top.

More on the story is available at NBC6.net, including a slideshow of the couple and their lawyer at a press conference.

Posted by J-Unit at 11:44 AM | Permalink

People of America, listen to me carefully. Despite what you see on Big Brother 5, bandanas are not the next big thing. I repeat. Bandanas are not the next big thing. Wristbands - acceptable. Trucker hats - passé, but at least were en vogue at one point last year. Bandanas - NO. Negatory. Do not follow the lead of Jase and Scott. You might think this warning is excessive, but last week, while enjoying some tasty beverages at a local watering hole, I had the misfortune of seeing Toni from Paradise Hotel drinking it up with her reality friends, and I am unhappy to report that they too were sporting the bandanas. It seems as though certain reality stars and their cronies are hellbent on forcing this uninvited trend on us, and I beg all you impressionable hipsters to look elsewhere than the Big Brother compound to sate your trendy needs.

You see, Jase and Scott have introduced the ill-advised bandana - or bandeezee, as they probably say - into the Big Brother house, and already, it's spreading like wildfire. Good ole boy Drew has now taken to wearing one, and I fear that Michael will trade in his cowboy hat for one next. The only person I want to see ever wear that dreaded bandana is Julie Chen, simply for the pure comic value.

Apparently Scott and Jase didn't bring just one of these vestments into the house. They brought a whole array of different colors and shapes. Jase, disturbingly enough, is fond of the faux-bandana. It looks like a cross between a headband and a bandeezee, achieving a comfortable poseur look somewhere in the middle. What's worse is that Jase so far has two of these contraptions - one that's gray, and one that's light-blue camo. I guess it's important for those days when you need to blend in at an ice cream parlor. Not that Jase could ever blend in. His spikey, frosted hair looks like a Burger King crown gone wrong. Chances are he spends hours in front of the mirror, a theory that's backed by Holly who noted that Scott and Jase are more high maintenance than the women. Coming from Holly, this is pretty damning evidence.

Nevertheless, Jase and Scott have taken an early and imposing dominance in the house. They've shown little to no regard for others around them, and when an emotionally torn Michael came to them for emotional support regarding his new sister, the two guys immediately made "What the fuck?" eyes at each other. Even after Michael and Nakomis read stirring letters from their father, the only support the bandana'd ones could lend was a mere fist bump from Jase. Of course, this meant nothing. Jase probably fist bumps the chairs just for allowing him to sit down.

While Adria sobbed uncontrollably during the family reunion moment, Jase and Scott remained unmoved. It was all an elaborate trick, they decided. Um, have they looked at Michael and Nikomas? Do they really think those two can pull that off? These two great thinkers bolstered their theory by noting that Michael was trying waaay too hard to fit an image. Scott commented that Michael wears all these shirts that say Oklahoma this and Oklahoma that. Jase agreed that the cowboy was trying to force something - sort of like when you try to be super trendy by wearing a BANDANA 24/7!! Something tells me these guys were just upset because the spotlight was off of them for a brief second.

"I don't know if it's the bandana talking, but I love you so much right now."

Meanwhile, mortician Marvin took every chance he could to agree with the bandana boys (who would later be self-named "The Four Horsemen" by Jase). Marvin, in classic sidekick fashion, tried too hard to be accepted and welcomed into this clique (duh, where are your head accessories?), but that plan ended when he hoarded some quesadillas as if they were the last morsels of food for the duration of the show.

Drew, on the other hand, has been recruited by Scott and Jase to be the third wheel (Michael's in the clique too, but only for critical mass). I guess Scott and Jase figured that Drew looked enough like a guy who was cool in high school, so he had to be legit. Unfortunately, Drew is going to be swallowed whole by these narcissists, and I bet it won't be long before he finds new allies in the girls. In the meantime, he'll be happily intoxicated by the acceptance of Scott and Jase.

The new Head of Household room has a red, decadent quality about it that's more interesting than last year's lame attempt at Ian Schrager-esque trendiness with a circle bed and lime green decor. Jase and Scott filled themselves with delusions that this nook would be their domain for the summer - an amusingly naive assumption since we all know the Head of Household will be surrendered when the first ounce of brainpower is required in one of the competitions.

For Nakomis and Mike, there's a chance that neither one of them will ever see that hallowed room. Jase nominated them for eviction, saying that Mike was making alliances without his permission and Nakomis was not conforming to the standards of beauty and bandana fashion that Jase adheres to. Well, actually, he said that he didn't know her very well, hence he's nominating her; but based on Jase's earlier comment that if you don't follow the herd, you better watch out, something tells me we've got a case of middle school cafeteria politics going on.

Mike wound up on the chopping block because he made the mistake of confiding in Drew, not realizing the Ohio native is so starstruck by the bandeezee mafia that the first thing he did was rat him out. I think Drew's trying to win Scott's good graces, probably so he can try on that groovy 1986 denim coat Scott was sporting during the margarita party (with collar turned up, natch). Or maybe Drew's mind has been elsewhere after he donned a thong for the luxury challenge. Yes, the guys all wore women's undies to the challenge - an idea hatched by, you guessed it, Jase and Scott. Mike, on his road to pariahville, declined to wear the panties because of his kids. YOU PUSSY! How dare you think of others first! Once again, Jase and Scott deducted cool points from Mike for not following their orders. The girls were probably psyched -- there's no way those frilly little things would have been the same size after handling Mike's ample girth.

Nurse Will enjoyed this little stunt because it afforded him the chance to gaze upon Drew's derriere. Will, who let out an effeminate bellow that would make Carsen Cressley proud, still insists he's going to wait to play the gay card, and normally I'd say he's already blown his cover. But with Scott overly enthusiastic to waltz around in women's drawers, and with Jase's penchant for all things sleeveless, I'm not so sure that Will sticks out like a sore thumb anymore.

I suppose I've given a lot of attention, too much perhaps, towards Jase and Scott, but at this early stage in the game, they're the only people who've truly emerged as the dominant personalities. I'm sure as the season continues my scorn for some and love for others will quietly spread throughout the house. And to think - this is only the second episode...

Posted by B-Side at 11:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

We are now approximately one week into this year's Big Brother experience, and once again, the rest of the United States get an insight into what people in Los Angeles and New York thought was cool last year. And for an example, do I need to go any further than Scott and Jase this year with their bandanas? The Project DNA hype is kind of deflated a little bit as Michael lets the cat out of the bag. Finally, Scott and Jase are making a lot of wrong moves if they think they are going to win this thing at their current pace.

First, I must take Scott and Jase to task. Oh God, where do I start with those bandanas they are wearing? It is much more than just a simple fashion statement. Right now, there is nothing that says "suburban white kid who listens to hip hop, but possesses absolutely no street cred" more than a bandana around the head(as if there isn't enough gel in their hair to keep it up). Jase and Scott accessorize with a bandana like almost nobody else can. Unfortunately, there are too many people out there that will see these good looking guys wearing these things and think it is a trend. Now, Holly is from LA, so I know she is not falling for it, but I wonder if these two are going to be too much and convince the rest of the guests. My only worry is that Marvin, in an attempt to suck up to these two, starts wearing a bandana and gives these guys some justification in what they do. I guess it is better than seeing trucker caps. I am not saying that nobody can wear a bandana and still look cool. Nobody is telling 50 Cent, Young Buck or Lloyd Banks they can't pull it off, but they do actually have the aforementioned street cred to attempt such an endeavor.

Now that all of you think I am a little OCD, let's get on with the rest of the show. The big news, of course, was Project DNA. I think that CBS had envisioned that Project DNA would at least give them a couple of weeks of contreversy to stoke the early season ratings, but the plan went a little askew. As housemates were discussing their last names, Michael discovered that he and Nakomis(aka Jennifer) shared the same father, but neither know it. Michael (or Cowboy as he is known) took the knowledge well and was not forthcoming about it. Even though he was not so covertly asking Jennifer all sorts of questions about their father, it seemed he was going to let things stay as they were and see how things played.

That was not the case as, Michael opens up to the guys he trusts the most in the house, the current Head of Household Jase and Scott, his bandana brother in arms. Michael, completely naive and perhaps unsettled having to hold this information, was probably looking for a little moral support, but got none from either of the two, who were concerned more with how it was supposed to affect the game than how well Michael was dealing with it. After the brain trust spoke for a few minutes and consulted some other housemates, they confronted Jennifer, and finally the rest of the housemates with the news. The producers then pulled the two aside and gave them explanatory letters from their father(who had obviously been made aware beforehand), which they read aloud to their housemates. The girls were for the most part feeling tear eyed, and Adria was bawling. Everybody was concerned except for our heroes Scott and Jase, bother wearing bandanas, and the latter not having bothered to put on some pants after his shower.

Overall, the first step in Project DNA was a little bit of a dud. There is a human interest story about family reunion and such, but Jennifer being so far off the Richter in terms of personality from the rest of the guests, that there is little that either can affect each other right now. Jase, showing how well he reads people, said he was glad it came out early, saying that if Jennifer had worn a cowboy hat, the two half siblings would have been at it. The idea that Michael, an Oklahoma boy with a fiance would cheat on his wife on national TV is about as ludicrous as believing that Jennifer and all her earthy goodness would find Michael so charming as to get with him in public. I'm waiting for more deep insights from Jase throughout his tenure this summer.

As HOH, Jase gives a lesson on how not to act as a first week winner. If you have been following the trend, the people who are winning Big Brother in the United States are not the ones displaying power early on. Lisa from Big Brother 3 is the big exception, as she was HOH the first week AND won the first prize. Still, she was not the Alpha Male and did not have a big target on her head. People did not fear her, and she was not seen as a leader until it was too late. Jase does not have this luxury, as several people have already mentioned him being a threat. Scott, who might as well be conjoined with Jase, is going to suffer the same fate. They both believe they are near locks to win as they count Drew and Michael as comrades, and are so dashing that the ladies will like to keep them around.

Scott, in particular, seems to have little or no redeeming qualities whatsoever. We know he is a pro athlete in a former life(and still believes that entitles him to some lame trends others of us wouldn't touch), but did he have to go on about how he would have been embarrassed if he had lost to a woman and would have voted himself out in shame? I'm not a feminist, but he talks like somebody who had their lacrosse program cut for field hockey thanks to Title IX.

Besides his brashness, Jase isn't that horrible as HOH. He wasn't too mechanical in his delivery of his lines, but he seems to have some have some strange ways to get outrageous as he asked the girls to throw out a pair of panties so the men could stretch them out beyond recognition. Yes folks, we had men in women's underwear in primetime! Will was particularly happy in the thong that Drew sported as everybody got ready for the the luxury competition, featuring the "one and only" chance to get access to the hot tub. With about zero chance that CBS would cover up the salacious hot tub all summer, the houseguests won easily. In celebration, Jase allowed Drew one of his bandanas for the dinner they had won.

Jase apparently thinks that he has the whole thing locked up and he will win HOH every week. It was discovered that the HOH private bedroom also has a private video screen that is tapped into several cameras in the house, making covert communications a little more difficult. Not realizing that there is a chance somebody else might win and stumble upon this revelation, Jase makes Scott and Drew swear not to tell anybody. Some may think that this will change how people scheme, but I believe this is not the case. While the cameras will always be there, that is not to say that the houseguests think of them every minute and contemplate every action on them. If they do, let's hope there is some dopamine nearby. There are times when people will forget they are being watched, as Drew excitedly exclaimed while watching Diane take something from the fridge.

During nominations, Jase surprised nobody as he nominated Jennifer and Mike, the painter from Michigan. Mike was nominated because he vocalized what everybody was thinking - Jase and Scott are too powerful together, and was so victimized. Jase, who calls anybody who can figure out the Tuesday Jumble a "gamer" wanted to nip this action in the bud before things got out of hand. Like I said earlier before, I believe this bullying won't get him far, and he will be nominated as soon as he, Scott, Drew or Michael fail to win HOH. We'll have to wait until the veto episode before we handicap odds, but it seems that nobody will save either of the evicted, and that includes Michael saving his sister. Until then, I say Mike is going to be in for a tough week, because I am sure the current block of hunks+cowboy(or as Jase calls it,"The Four Horsemen") will vote for him and will get at least Marvin to vote him. The others, not wanting to break from their masters' grip this early, will go along with the plan.

Posted by J-Unit at 10:57 PM | Permalink

I really wish there were something new and interesting to say about Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Yeah, there's the usual junk - spoiled, dumb, staged, obnoxious - but we already know that. Oh well. I guess I'm feeling a little uninspired because last night's episode of The Simple Life was just another routine exercise in watching the girls abuse a poor family, make a mockery of some sap's business, and then waltz away as if they had been the ones through the ringer. If there's anything we've learned from the ouevre of Bunim/Murray Productions, it's that formulas are meant to be used... over and over and over again. And in this case, Paris and Nicole are happy to oblige.

This time around, the gals zoomed on over to Louisianna - sorry Mississippi, no love for you - where they met their new Cajun family for the day. I don't remember anyone's names because I was too busy fixating on the bizarre sound of that Creole accent. I'm surprised Paris and Nicole didn't marvel at the non-Los Angeles dialect. Surely the accent warranted a "that's hot" comment, or at the very least "Do you love it?". The latter was reserved for the family's eldest son, who at seventeen was already attracting the horny eyes of Ms. Richie.

The girls were put to work doing something they love - shopping. Turns out the thirteen year old daughter would be going on her first date the next day. The pleasant mother gave over her credit card and imposed a $75 limit on the purchases, which of course was never going to be observed. In the most shocking of twists, Paris and Nicole rung up over $400 worth of purchases at a J.C. Penney-esque store in rural Louisianna. I did enjoy Paris and Nicole's contempt for the busty shirts on sale, as if they were any worse than the shards of fabric these two drape on their bodies. Maybe if this couture were showcased at Fred Seagal they'd be more receptive.

Upon return, our wallflower housemom quietly reprimanded her daughter, which in this case meant forcing her to endure a polite dinner. Could any of these people ever raise their voice once in a while? I guess when they're being paid by producers to go along with the gag, it's hard to be really upset.

Speaking of gags, the girls reported to work the next day, and this time they had the undaunting task of chopping up fish and baiting nets. Surprisingly, the girls seemed to be taking to the job fairly well. They were cleaving and chopping and following orders with minimal balking. The producers must have been on a coffee break because Paris and Nicole seemed like they were - shock of shocks - being themselves! Well, there's none of that to be had here. The girls turned naughty again by over-baiting the crawfish nets. Wow, that's real rebellion. I can understand if you're stuck working in a fast food restaurant for hours and you're spoiled and you want to just leave. That seems like natural, snotty, no-work-ethic behavior. But overbaiting the nets? Come on. We're not idiots, and even Paris and Nicole couldn't have a hard time sticking fish in a net and dropping it in the water. Just how many hundred dollar bills did executive producer Kevin Lee dangle in front of the girls to make them do that? Of course all these shenanigans meant that the girls would not be reaching their crawfish quota. What to do?

Cut to Paris randomly cutting it up with the locals at a crawfish bake. Why she was there? I don't know. For a moment I thought she was being a good sport and enjoying local culture. But then I realized this, like everything else on the show, was just some staged and contrived way to make Paris seem like a brilliant schemer. Just in case we weren't convinced, a little bubble showed up on screen with her head as she said "I have a plan." I have one too: go away.

Nevertheless, Paris filled her conveniently oversized pocketbook with boiled crawfish and took them back to an ailing Nicole Richie. The next day, the two stuffed the already cooked fish into a sack and sold them, with about five raw ones, to an unsuspecting chump for $78. Exactly what sort of an idiot would spend that much on Paris Hilton's fishy offerings? I'm not sure.

Time to go back to that first date storyline though. Proving to be two of the most irresponsible parents on the face of the earth, mom and dad left Paris and Nicole to be the chaperones for the big date. I'm now convinced that these people have no television or access to the internet. First they give these shopaholics their credit card, and now they want Paris Hilton - of the Paris Hilton Sex Video - and Nicole Richie - of the Nicole Richie Heroin DUI Variety Hour - to ensure no mischief? I shuddered to think of what was to come.

Actually, it was pretty tame. And for all you sarcasm-deaf people out there, no I didn't expect the girl to be shooting up on a night-vision homemade porn. After the obligatory makeover (which featured a "that's hot" and "do you love it?" every two seconds), Paris and Nicole greeted the awkward male suitor with a stern round of interrogation. The poor kid tried to seem unfazed, but he looked scared out of his mind. When the two adolescents finally got some alone time, they sat on the couch and stared ahead, occasionally glimpsing at the cameras. Paris and Nicole, relishing their big sister roles, got them in a boat and they all went frogging. Amazingly, Nicole was shriek-free when it came to handling a bullfrog, and she even kissed it on the lips. And so did Paris. What creature has she not made out with? Cheap shot! Score one for me. Anyway, I guess when there's no Von Dutch-wearing hipster for miles, a frog's the best you can do.

Well, the boy never kissed the girl. A parting hug was about as intimate as this date could get. Paris and Nicole were refreshingly mature, and once again I was baffled as to why the producers insist on making them act so vile for most of the show. Like I've said before, the strongest moments of every episode are when the girls stray from the roles they play and actually let their guard down. This usually happens in the pickup when the travel-weary belles forget about that nifty surveillance camera, and we hear funny asides about Brittany Spears and Wal-Mart. These scenes are fleeting, and often upstaged by over-the-top staged scenarios. One of these days Bunim/Murray will trust us to enjoy something that's not exaggerated to the nth degree.

For more hottie/frog news, check out this item on Survivor's Jenna Morasca.

Posted by B-Side at 11:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

As if a ninety minute season opener of Big Brother weren't great enough, last night we were treated to another oversized premiere, this time for Amazing Race 5, the Emmy-award winning reality show that sends mismatched people all around the globe. Phil Koegan was back with a new and improved Americanized accent, and so were the many blunders, accidents, spats, and hijinx of eleven teams racing from the Santa Monica Pier to the depths of Uruguay. Once again, the casting directors dazzled us with a motley crew of racers including a little person, some bowling moms, and of course Big Brother 4 runner-up Allison with her bafflingly faithful boyfriend Donny. This will be the trip from hell for many of these people, and I couldn't be happier.

It didn't take long for this show to prove why we love it so much. Only moments after starting, one guy took a spill and gashed his knee open, bleeding all over LAX. He and his spoiled daughter hopped a shuttle bus to the emergency clinic and narrowly avoided missing their flight to Uruguay. It's this sort of uncontrolled chaos that keeps the show going. Who knows when a team will carry a slab of beef too far in a challenge? And what's to stop some frantic duos from completely missing sections of the race? It's all part of the beauty of the game.

Returning from her reality adventures in the Big Brother house last year, Allison proves that she's still the shallow biatch we've always remembered. We still don't know why Donny puts up with her, and we're even more confused as to how she does so damn well in these competitions. But I'm confident that her team will implode one of these days, and she'll be back in the reality graveyard. Then again, that's what I said about her last year. Meanwhile, twins Kami and Karli ran around like chickens with their heads cut off - if those chickens looked like Mary Stuart Masterson. They provided plenty of uninentional humor by frequently marching right by clues and even skipping their Detour by accident. Somehow they managed to cross that finish line without accidentally sailing off to Antarctica.

Of course the flaxen twins weren't the only ones confused by the clear directions. Married couple Chip and Kim missed their Detour also, but still managed to finish ahead of a few teams. I personally enjoyed Bob and Joyce as our token old couple. Joyce powered across a zipline while Bob chanted "Go Joyce Go! Go Joyce Go!" If there's anything better than watching the nice old people beat the youngin's, it's seeing what sort of crazy cheerleading styles they adopt.

Bowling moms Linda and Karen had a jolly old time running from country to country, and they certainly had the most amusing splashes into the hotel pool during the Detour. Brothers Marshall and Lance were the resident tough guys, but they seemed to be trying too hard to be the take-no-shit New Yawkahs (even though they're from Texas). Also thrown into the mix were a pair of Bible-toting models whose strong faith didn't get in the way of petty squabbles. Imagine that. In the middle of the pack were Colin and Christie, a pair of lovebirds from San Antonio. Christie's defining features were her large breasts and her uncanny resemblance to Nicole from the Bible group. Colin's defining features were a menacing scowl and an overall ax-murderer persona that probably will lead to many a passive-aggressive argument in the back of a cab.

Alas, every episode has its losers, and this time it was Dennis and Erika. After a mishap at the airport had everyone calling them scumbags, Dennis was eager to be loved, so he let another team take his cab, ultimately resulting in a last place ranking. Breaking news for Dennis: This isn't a popularity contest. His shrill partner Erika was not happy, and in the end, she was quick to blame him, but realizing she sounded like a bitch, she noted that if she were to lose, she'd like it to happen because Dennis was nice. Awww. Now go away.

Of course, anyone who saw last night's episode knows that I'm omitting one very very great piece of casting. That's right. Mirna and Charla. CBS nicely pegs them as "cousins", but we all know they're the team with the midget. Charla, the little person, has spunk, strength, and a badass whistle. Literally. Whenever things got dull - which was next to never on this show - the producers cut to Charla hailing down cabs with a mighty toot on her lifeguard whistle. The most amusing image, as Entertainment Weekly pointed out, was watching this sturdy woman haul a 55 pound piece of meat on her back in Uruguay. If that's not compelling telelvision, I don't know what is.

Meanwhile, Charla's sidekick, Mirna, is the perfect complement to her cousin's fiesty determination. Mirna was fond of stating the obvious in a sort of Mr. Bill "Oh No!" way. Her simple earnestness was loveable, especially when she swooned about how gorgeous host Phil Koegan was. When the two were presented with the choice of engaging in high wire shennanigans vs. a game of roulette, Mirna excitedly commented on how they're in the casino every week. It's a sign! No, that's not my snarkiness. She actually said it was a sign. At the roulette table, Mirna salivated over the chips, and when they finally received their next clue, she naively asked if they could play just one hand of blackjack. Paging Gamblers Anonymous. We have a stray loose in Uruguay.

Next week promises more arguments from the Allison/Donny camp, and hopefully we'll see a Roadblock mission too. Until then, I'll just have to spend the next seven days talking up this great show.

Posted by B-Side at 10:11 AM | Permalink

Congratulations Big Brother. I spent all year crowing about how great you are to watch, and now that I've convinced all these people to give you a try, what do you do? You send them packing with a bloated, idiotic new catchphrase: "Project: Do Not Assume". And then how do you make that worse? You abbreviate it with the oh so clever nickname "Project: DNA". Now I have to spend all of tomorrow insisting that no, the show really is good and not some dull surveillance camera feed trying to spice things up with insanely self-important titles. Of course, for those of us who are already converts to the idiosyncratic ways of the show, we loved these campy additions. There really are so few joys as pure as listening to Julie Chen mechanically spew out the words "Project: Do Not Assume" without any hint of ironic delivery. Yes, only the finest wooden phrases for our most wooden of hostesses. Let the Julie Chen bashing begin. The summer's guiltiest pleasure is back!

We knew we'd be in for quite an opener when Julie greeted us in an outfit that can best be described as astronaut chic; although, when the light hit her fresh coat of body glitter, she looked more like a disco ball than a NASA byproduct. As for her actual clothes, I'm not sure, but I think she took the aluminum sun blocker from her windshield and made pants out of it. All I know is that I needed a pair of sunglasses when she came on screen. Luckily, midway through the ninety minute bonanza, she changed into the sensible white business suit we've come to expect from her. Of course, I will be most excited when Julie inevitably breaks out the bizarre cocktail dresses that have punctuated seasons past.

But enough about Julie's sartorial missteps. Tonight we met our new cast of shut-ins, and I have to admit, I was quite pleased. Already we have an eclectic mix of heroes, enemies, oddballs, and wallflowers. Some people had more airtime than others, especially cowpoke Michael whose dorky rodeo veneer housed an extremely likeable, poignant, and gentle personality. Whether he was running like a cartoon on the treadmill or eagerly latching onto the alliance of alpha males, his kid-like earnestness was truly endearing. But more on him in a bit.

Will, the gay nurse, was quick to employ some shrewd strategy as he sized up groups and power structures. He's waiting to play his big gay card, although if he thinks he's going to catch anyone off guard, well, he's in for an anticlimactic letdown. Marvin the mortician provided some great slapstick when his cot collapsed, and Holly managed to annoy everyone with her squeaky wheel voice. Amazingly, she displayed a few signs of a dry sense of humor, and I couldn't help but wonder if maybe there really was more to her than meets the eye. Probably not. We also met Mike, a single father who proudly announced that his kids are staying with both their mothers. This resulted in a series of high fives and "Dawg!" type exclamations. Classy. Every kid should have a dad who cares so much.

Topping the list of most annoying would have to be Jase, who descended on the house looking like a reject from "The Real Cancun". He and Scott instantly hit it off. They both love bandanas (or bandeezees, as I'm sure they call them) and both made it a point to accessorize missions with matching armbands. Jase managed to win Head of Household and tried his hardest to be as goofy as David from last season. Instead he wound up grating and less cool than Scott, who surely will be the dangerous Roddy figure this season.

Jennifer, who I originally pegged as a hipster, turned out to be just a general oddball. Her love affair with 90s grunge fashions is admirable, and she did provide one of the greatest "Whaa??" moments when she announced that she prefers to be called Nicomus, or something like that. It was therefore sweetly appropriate that the two quirkiest people - Jennifer and Michael - were actually half brother and sister.

The producers decided to exploit this twist as a motif for the entire show by ponderously dubbing the season "Project: Do Not Assume". Now why exactly is this a project? Suitably, I would assume the producers would employ some sort of logic to their clunky titles, but as Julie Chen advised me EVERY FIVE MINUTES, I should not assume anything. I can still hear her cautioning "Do Not Assume". I wonder if there is a drawstring on her back that causes her to say that.

Well, poor Michael. Normally, I would find this relative twist to be pretty cool, but then we jumped into his backstory of having a fatherless childhood and all the turmoil that obviously caused. This was intercut with Jennifer extolling her dad and saying how wonderful it was to have him as a father. It's clear that Michael will probably have a lot of anger or rage directed at the man who Jennifer loves so dearly, and I feel like it's sort of shitty for Big Brother to exploit that for ratings. At the same time, it was curiously fascinating to see Michael put the pieces together in his head as he slowly realized Jennifer was his sister. I don't really know why he didn't just tell her right then and there who he was. There are some things that even a game shouldn't interfere with. Oh my, am I preaching? Anyway, the situation went from fascinating to devastating as Michael then learned that his father never told Jennifer about his old family. Poor guy. Reality TV can be a real bitch sometimes.

Future iterations of Project: DNA promise that a set of identical twins will tag-team in and out of the house. To what effect, I don't know. It seems rather gimmicky and probably puts those twins at a disadvantage. These twists are all fine and good, but the truth is that all we care about are the dynamics. Big Brother doesn't have to sell us. Just let us watch these silly people preen around the yard, flirt in the pool, strategize over PB&J, and crawl around on an oversized DNA segment. Okay, we might not need to see that last one, but I'd be willing to watch that silly food challenge twelve times if it meant I didn't have to look at Jase and his stupid bandana fetish again.

Posted by B-Side at 12:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

The cast of Real World: San Diego reunited tonight for one last hurrah -- before the next last hurrah next week. Apparently we do get to see some of that footage of the cast in Mexico while the police investigated an alleged rape at the ole homestead. Nevertheless, neither Lala nor Sujin Pak nor even Sway were around to host this emotionally charged event, so instead we got a girl who did a nice job of provoking the roomies and then clearing out of the way when chaos broke out.

For the most part, the reunion went along as expected. Robin, Cameran, and Frankie did most of the meaningless yapping, with Brad and Randy chiming in fairly frequently. Quick witted and sharp tongued Jacquese stole the show with his humorous observations mixed with honest candor and confrontation. And amazingly, I'm not being sarcastic. Ja has been a standup guy this entire season, and tonight, he proved himself to be fairly articulate and self-assured in the frenzied environment. Only Jamie and Charlie stayed off to the sidelines - surprise surprise - but they too had their moments. Charlie had about two minutes of airtime in which he distanced himself from his ex-girlfriend and reminded Cameran that she still owes him $800. Jamie meanwhile opened her mouth for the first time about twenty minutes into the program to bash Frankie and that's pretty much all she did for the rest of the show, until the scandal spotlight finally, after seven months, shone brightly on her. Apparently, our little sweetheart wanted to jump Brad's bones. Jamie's jaw dropped, as it did nearly ever week this season, when she realized she had been, as the Real Worlders say, put on blast. That's okay Jamie. You're allowed to be a little naughty. You gotta have a story for all your friends in Riverside.

Meanwhile, let's talk about Frankie. Oh Frankie. Where to begin? If I were Steven Cojocuru, I might say something dumb like "She wanted to look like Eliza Doolittle, but she was more like Elize Don'tlittle." Luckily, I'm not Steven Cojocuru, so I'll simply say that if Mary Poppins had a lovechild with a skunk, it would be Frankie. Frankie put on a brave front and tried to act like everything was water under the bridge. Actually, everyone tried to do that. Until, of course, they remembered that they were reality stars and no petty drama should ever go un-retreaded. The problems first unsurprisingly arose when the hostess asked what was going on in Greece. Frankie was first to admit she was a Debbie Downer. Oh wait, scratch that. Frankie was first to admit that she had a great time on the trip. Whaaa? Everyone said yeah right, but Frankie insisted she was having a ball. Good to see her revisionist history problems have been fixed. Actually, Frankie stirred up one of the biggest arguments of the season. Of course she had a blast!

The discussion moved from Greece to a general anti-Frankie intervention. Ja accused Frankie for putting up a wall and not exchanging digits, and then the rest of the cast pretty much piped up too, saying that they all really like her, but she doesn't love them back. It really was an amusing display of "We really love you, and by love, we mean hate." Frankie of course devolved into tears and offered up a million reasons why she acted the way she did, often pinning her behaviors on one thing or another. She eventually said that it was her own problems, not the roommates, that caused her to leave, but even that admission had a whiff of rhetoric about it. In a lame attempt to add a silver lining, Frankie noted that if she hadn't left, they wouldn't have been best buds with Charlie. Yes, she took credit for Charlie.

The reunion also covered less interesting areas such as Brad and Cameran's flirtations, the night everyone went to jail, and other minor house drama. The banter didn't necessarily shed light on anything, but this group is affable enough that I begrudgingly found myself smiling and enjoying their little lovefest. Oh well. I guess I'm losing my snarky edge. I'll just have to bone up on a few episodes of Road Rules to get my general contempt for Bunim/Murray productions back on sure footing.

Posted by B-Side at 11:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Oh dear. That about sums up my thoughts on the latest installment of North Shore. I predicted last week that this season's "number one new drama" would take us through some tedious episodes in order to explain how each and every one of the characters arrived at their present locations. Unfortunately, my prediction was correct and we were treated to easily the worst episode of the season.

Going into this season, I never expected North Shore to make me forget about my favorite shows of the regular season, but I was hoping to get a little bit of distraction for the summer. The problem with this latest episode is that North Shore is so distracting, I forget that I am supposed to be enjoying the program itself.

This week we are treated to another perfunctory episode filling in the backgrounds of some people on the show, with Gabriel and Frankie the lucky winners this go around. The show opens with a shot of the two faithful employees of the Grand Waimeia enjoying a little bit of early morning surf. Frankie is using a waverunner to assist Gabriel in grabbing some great waves. I actually don't mind these pre-opening credits jaunt around Hawaii. No use filming there if they don't use the landscape. What I do care about are the tired ways people get themselves into trouble in this place.

You see, Frankie's waverunner is not his, he is borrowing it from a friend. As Gabriel is securing the water craft to the trailer to take it back, he gets so caught with dreams of pro-surfing, he forgets to actually secure the vehicle, and it falls off unceremoniously, doing major damage. Oh no, whatever will they do?

At the hotel, Jason is determined that he is going to make one last play for Nicole's affection before her fiance Morgan arrives. He kisses her, and she kisses back, but says that they must never speak of the incident and reaffirms her commitment to her fiance. Minutes later as Jason is greeting guests, one takes note of Nicole and Jason proceeds to take some trash about Nicole and her fiance. What we saw coming a mile away was that Jason was talking trash to Morgan about Nicole and Morgan. The problem is, Morgan laughs it off and doesn't care. Refreshingly he is actually pretty cool, and Jason is looking less like the person who is saving Nicole from a life of corporate misery and more like the person who is quickly becoming a homewrecker.

Wait, wait, wait. Who cares about the hotel you say. You are actually takings some interest in this Frankie and Gabriel thing. Well, it turns out that the jet ski Gabriel broke is owned by none other than the most notorious surf mobster on the island - Kurt. Gabriel is not from Hawaii, and the locals are very protective of their beaches, so Kurt gives Gabriel tons of grief about the damage, and only one day to pay him back. On only a lifeguard's salary, Gabriel is going to have to suck a lot of face to make up the repairs. The surprise of the night is that we learn Frankie is short for Franklin, and the former will have none of anybody calling him the latter.

The surf mobster story line is not a bad one per se, but it is still a little too early to throw it in to this series. In order for the bad guys to sound authentic, they actors throw a lot of surf jargon around that leaves us with some odd bits of dialogue. Chances are real surfers are not watching North Shore because of how pure the show keeps essence of surfing. Yes, there is a complicated relationship with surfing and their is a dynamic between people who grow up near the surf and those who move towards it that must be discussed, but we are being fed these things a little too soon. What we have left is some beach machismo as played out between the hotel employees and some surf punks who live in the jungle and are the unwritten law of the land. Sound boring, convoluted or both? Now you know how this last episode was.

There always has to be some comic relief and MJ Bevans is there to take control. She makes dinner for Chris, which of course means she wants to get him tired so they can steam up the sheets. Just as things are moving along nicely, MJ's mother Debby (who is quite the Downer), shows up and puts the kabosh on any nookie for her little girl that evening.

Jason, who spent most of the day trying to find ways to hate Morgan, decided that he was an alright guy. Jason even promised triathlete Morgan to show him a few trails to run. When he did, Morgan confessed a little bit of apprehension on his new marriage, while Jason passive-agressively gave him encouragement. Surprisingly, Nicole expressed some of the same doubts, and Jason gave her the generic "You are so great anybody would be crazy not to marry you" speech and went ahead and hit on some "filet-o-tourist".

Gabriel, who was given an extension of one day by surf mafia leader, tried many ways to make money, and eventually decided on taking a celebrity out on a fast boat. But there's more you see. The celebrities would be riding a giant sausage (with mustard). While this sort of ride only costs you $50 in the calm waters by the shore, Gabriel charged a reasonable two grand to take them out to the chop. Well, a celebrity and his money are easily parted. That is unless said celebrity dislocates his shoulder and nearly drowns after taking that sausage out for a spin. In a great example of the scatteredness of this episode, as Gabriel asks one of the Kurt's thugs(imagine that scene in Point Break when Anthony Kiedis fights Keanu Reeves) for a cellphone to call the ambulance, the thug says "No." When Gabriel asks why, reminding him that a man's life is in danger, the surf thug says "Because I already called". Apparently this surf mafia knows its safety tips.

This episode was so bland, even Tessa couldn't spice things up. Even though the wardrobe department had her in this hideous red top, she was comping rooms without Nicole's permission. This upset Vincent of course, and like all interactions he has with Tessa, they end up the night by playing sexual innuendo mad libs, but not doing anything about it.

The best part of the night was when Frankie decided to stop smoking pot long enough to realize that he has been on the island as long as anybody else and that if Kurt and his minions want to throw down, Frankie boy may have numbers. Gabriel has all the time he needs to pay his debtor back.

If the episode wasn't swirling enough, we get Jason lecturing Gabriel on the responsibilities of work and how if he wants to surf so badly, he should just quit and surf full time. This is a convenient set-up should they want to write Gabriel off the show. Considering how enjoyable the episodes with a heavy dose of Gabriel have been, I can't say that I would be upset.

Posted by J-Unit at 5:56 PM | Permalink

It's official. Mark July 5th, 2004 on your calendars. That was the day that MTV aired quite possibly the most retarded episode of Road Rules EVER. Yes, this dilapidated franchise has come close to reaching new lows of silliness, but until last night, nothing has ever eclipsed 1999's Semester At Sea season when Pua protested an elephant painting challenge, and MTV was kind enough to zoom in on the pachyderm's tearing eye. That's right. Bunim/Murray tried to have us believe that the elephant was actually crying over having to paint, and because of that brief moment of lunacy coupled with the cast's moronic mission protest, that episode ranked as the most idiotic of all Road Rules installments, until last night.

The episode started off pleasantly enough. Everyone hit the dark gray beaches of Chile where Danny babbled about his favorite Playgirl centerfold, prompting Derrick to interject, "Earmuffs!" Danny rolled his eyes, hoping the gals would get his back, but little did he know that all three of them had just spent lunch talking about how he would be the first to go if push came to shove. We're not idiots though. With all the anti-Danny rhetoric floating around, we knew that he would probably excel at this episode's mission with flying colors. Little did we know that would literally be the case.

The happy campers drove off to the latest challenge, which in this case turned out to be "Don't crash into trees." Unfortunately, they lost. Derrick somehow steered the RV into a tree, causing an arboreal traffic jam in this little corner of Chile. Local statutes insist that all drivers in an accident must be taken in for a sobriety test, so it was the perfect opportunity for MTV to proclaim this the FIRST EVER ROAD RULES ARREST! RAH!!! Actually, it was more like a standardized questioning, but we'll let Bunim/Murray get their jollies where they can.

While Derrick went off for a tête-à-tête with the authorities, the rest of our crew - plus the dog - went to a small airport where the mission mayors presented us with one of the truly dumbest challenges ever seen on reality television. Our group of five was split into two groups: the artists and the puzzle solvers. Rubber-faced Jodi was the lone logician since her partner-to-be Derrick was off with the police. She commented that she, of anyone, was probably least suited to her puzzle-solving role (classic reality misdirection, of course), and Danny fretted that if the team lost, it would probably be his ass going home. Meanwhile, the artists' goals were to draw pictures while strapped into a jet doing loop-de-loops (how do you spell that?). Of course, there was some silly stipulation. The artists could only draw each picture for ten seconds. If they started too early or drew too long, that picture would be eliminated. With all the drawings collected, the puzzle-solver would have to use them as clues to find the X-treme key. Could this be any more convoluted?

The kids all geared up in STA-Travel flight suits and took to the skies. Now, I personally thought these guys would have to draw something that could only be seen from the jet, like a unique lake or a mountain or a crop circle. But no. The producers opted for a more Kindergarten level of difficulty. The kids all scrambled as the pilot shouted out real graphical doozies such as "Flag!" and "Tree!" and "Snail!" and "House!". Are they kidding me? Those images are like Doodling 101. I'm surprised there was no call for a stick figure or maybe a cloud. Once again, this season impresses us with its X-Treme challenges.

Meanwhile, Derrick was released from his fifteen minutes of custody and embarked on a low-rent version of the Amazing Race. He hopped in a cab and tried his darndest to meet up with his homies, but he forgot where they were and wound up travelling to two other airports. MTV intercut this adventure with Jodi nervously awaiting her duties as a puzzle master. Would her partner make it back in time? Would she be left to use her noggin all by herself? The suspense was not killing us.

Derrick was nowhere to be found, but before Jodi could commence her journey through the world of logic and obvious clues, the mission mayors gravely announced that someone had cheated. Oh no! Of course MTV cut to a commercial break, and when the show returned, the mayor corrected herself and said "Actually, cheat is too strong a word." Oh, thanks for the fakeout. Turns out that Kina had started her drawing too soon, and in a moment of devastating impact, her tree picture was erased with unrelenting sangfroid. The drama!

Luckily, there were three other rudimentary scrawlings of trees for Jodi to use as she bounced off on her little scavenger hunt. You see, it all comes together. She had to run by a house, climb a tree (which was a sight unto itself), continue past a yellow snail on a playground, and then find a flag. Even Jodi with her self-professed low brainpower had no trouble completing this leg of the mission. The team won their X-Treme key, and in the excitement, Jodi commented "Someone had really good drawings". Turns out that Danny's expert renderings of basic shapes saved the day, and of course, this led to lots of comments like "Danny really stepped it up" and "I hope I proved that I'm a valuable member of the team". So how bad were those other drawings? I mean, it's not very hard to draw a house or a tree or a flag. These guys have to be completely vacant if Danny's drawings stood head over heels above the rest.

With the challenge over, the cast members reunited with Derrick and retreated to a hotel that was to serve as their temporary home while the RV got repaired. Just when we thought this episode had plundered new depths of a Road Rules nadir, it sank even lower. Danny sulked on the balcony that he was really upset that every time he mentions anything homosexual, Derrick and Patrick joke "Earmuffs." It's his homosexuality, dammit, and if he wants to talk about the details of his sexual life, you all should listen! Nevertheless, Danny felt like he was constantly marginalized as an outsider, making it hard to seem like part of the group. The girls responded with a supportive "That sucks." Moments later, they trotted out Derrick for a Very Special Road Rules segment where the guys talked about their feelings, and blah blah blah, everyone felt better. This awkwardly placed social issue was wedged into this episode with all the grace of a yak. The only way Bunim/Murray could have topped the X-Treme Doodling was to add an X-Treme touchy-feely moment. And now we all want to vomit.

This show must die.

Posted by B-Side at 12:29 AM | Permalink

The latest season of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge is set to film this month, and can you believe it? Veronica will be back! Proving that creativity has reached a rock bottom, the producers have decided to roll out another season of Battle of the Sexes. Here’s an idea. How about forcing the newbies to compete against the veterans? Or just banning Mike, Coral and Veronica? That would be a good start.

Luckily, it seems like we’ll be getting a little more fresh blood this season. I’m excited to see affable chumps Brad and Randy from Real World San Diego mix it up with likable fork victim Steven from Vegas. Jacquese, one of the most sensible Real Worlders ever, baffles us by participating in the antics, and bland, rigid Frank from Vegas also will be on hand to probably whine about something. Rounding out the new men (so far) is Adam from Paris, the limp-Afro’d attention hog who easily fit the role of “that” guy from an a cappella group who’s always “on” and won’t ever shut up. So far, the only new women are Sophia from Road Rules: The Quest (the quest for what?) and Cameran and Robin, both from Real World San Diego.

As for the returning folk, our usual stable of comfortably veteran challengers does not disappoint. Mike – aka The Miz – will be back, of course. I can’t wait to see what sort of metrosexual fashions he’ll destroy this time around. The Inferno had him sporting a faux-hawk (with highlights), which quickly turned into a general spastic mess by mid-season, and then eventually settled down into a deflated Bill Gates haircut for the reunion show. Meanwhile, Abram will be back for his third season, and Theo from Road Rules will be back for his fourth, I believe.

On the women’s team, we have a tired cavalry of she-dragons and place-fillers, starting off with spider victim Coral and Tiger-Woods-face victim Ruthie. Consummate drama queen Jisela returns as well as chronic sufferer Tonya from Real World Chicago and lipstick lesbian Rachel from Road Rules Campus Crawl. Does anyone else notice that Rachel always winds up kissing guys on this show? Katie, who tussled with Veronica in increasingly grandiose ways over the past two seasons, is back to prove – well, nothing. She spends every season complaining about how much she hates her team, but always crawls back. If we’re lucky, this season will hopefully be just a massively bitter revenge scheme against her old nemesis, Veronica. As I mentioned before, Veronica – who has appeared on more of these challenges than any other Bunim/Murray star – is back for her sixth season. Yes, this show is entering its ninth season, and the only seasons Veronica has missed were the ones before her Road Rules fame. What on Earth does her resume look like? Skills: Bungee jumping, arguing, being dumb. Experience: MTV, Mystic Tanning Salon. Education: Took some classes on a boat. Career goals: actress, of course.

It’s time for Veronica to retire from this venerable franchise. Actually, it’s time for a lot of these guys to retire. Watching older seasons of the Challenge, I’ve come to realize a certain novelty has long gone. Instead of the show being a bizarre reunion of forgotten faces, we now get a repeating loop of a story line with only minor variations. Every season Katie blows up at Veronica, Mike pisses off Coral, a team throws a mission to get rid of Katie, and Mike finds a new girl to shack up with. One of the problems with this franchise is that it’s sustained by more or less the same people since 2001. Ever since that one casting special when Bunim/Murray housed about forty applicants in Palms Springs, these kids have been more incestuous and cliquey than ever. All these people are the new generation of reality stars. They’re too keenly aware of their pseudo celebrity. Even if they were refreshingly normal on their original seasons, they still get caught up in the fray by the time the Challenge airs. I get a sense that the hierarchy in the Bunim/Murray clique is based on how often you’ve been on the Challenge, and how much money you’ve won. So watching these kids compete, it’s not for fun. It’s for survival.

Oh, but look at me. I’ve gotten all riled up over nothing. I’ll be watching the damn show whether I think it’s silly or not. I might as well kick back and give myself over to it. And that’s what I’ll do.

More cast updates as they become available, and for those of you wondering where I culled this information, check out TV Tome's Real World/Road Rules Challenge page. They'll probably have cast updates faster than TVgasm, but we'll have the snarky commentary.

Posted by B-Side at 11:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

There are a lot of non-traditional sports that have emerged onto the landscape in the last few years. Unless you have been in a coma or living in the PRK, you probably have noticed that there seems to be an eagerness to have Poker shows takeover makeover shows as the concept television producers would like to beat to death.

And while the folks here at TVgasm believe there will always be a place for poker (wouldn't you like to be at the table where Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are throwing out their wagers?), we would like to highlight a more traditional pastime - competitive eating. Yes, for years, competitive eating has been a staple of summer. While there will always be people out there trying to outgorge others with pizza, pies, and chicken wings, we must always defer to the grandaddy of them all - the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog eating contest.

Now, some of you are probably snickering, but competitive eating is no joke. They have their own website complete with safety standards and an intriguing history. Once a spot relegated to 2 AM on ESPN2 or the George Michael sports machine, this year's contest was shown today at noon eastern time on ESPN. You've come a long way, baby...

Competitive eating is not the bastion of overstuffed Americans gloating in their excess. In fact, the Nathan's competition has not been won by an American since 1999, and only once in the last 10 years. Like many other industries the Japanese have shown that their efficiency will prevail. How else do you explain the success of Takeru "The Tsunami" Kobayashi at this year's games? At 132 lbs, Kobayashi ate a Bob Beamon-like 53 and 1/2 hot dogs in 12 minutes, beating his own record. The second place contestant, also from Japan, mustard, errr, mustered only 38. The closest American, Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas, took third with 32 dogs, breaking the woman's record as well as the american record, despite tipping the scales at only 105 lbs.

And much like the automakers made a comeback after the Japanese ate their lunch, American competitive eaters won't take their rivals domination sitting down. Eric "Badlands" Booker, a 6-foot-4, 400-pound subway conductor summed it up nicely :"We aren't going to stop until we bring the belt back."

Read the full story at Yahoo News.

Posted by J-Unit at 2:06 PM | Permalink

Exhibit A: Chris/Paulie

Exhibit B: Chris/Paulie

Question of the day: Who is this "fabulous" doppleganger of Chris Graebe from Road Rules: South Pacific? He calls himself Paulie, and according to Friendster, he's from Little Rock, went to University of Arkansas, and is gay. On the other hand, Chris, according to The Internet Movie Database, is from Indiana, went to U of I for college, and is straight. So clearly these are two different guys.

But wait. Both Chris and Paulie are the same age, both live in Los Angeles now, both are aspiring actors/singers, both have a love for their faith, and oh yeah, they share the same genes. The photos never lie...

Maybe these two are long lost twins. Maybe Chris is leading a double life. Or maybe his friends pulled a vicious prank. Either way, TVgasm is not in the business of slandering people, even the most minor of reality stars; so we encourage you to check it out for yourself and draw your own conclusions:

Paulie's Friendster Profile
Chris Graebe's Bio from IMDB.com
Chris's MTV Bio

Posted by B-Side at 12:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

As anyone who gets wrapped up in Big Brother can attest, there's no such thing as too little commentary. Thankfully, CBS and Infinity Broadcasting are joining forces to provide us with a daily web talkshow (webshow? talkernet?) to gab about the goings on in the Big Brother compound. Daily Variety reports that Big Brother 3 contestant and TVgasm friend Marcellas Reynolds will be a co-host of the half-hour "skein" (shut up, Variety), which means there should be plenty of barbed comments to go around. Granted, I'm still a bit too po' to afford CBS's live feeds, which I guess means I'll be too po' to watch the talk show, but I'm optimistic the yakfest will be quite the tvgasm for the legions of obsessed Big Brother fans out there. Do us proud, Marcellas!

Read the full article here (subscription required).

Posted by B-Side at 2:02 PM | Permalink

An interesting lesson was learned on this week's episode of The Casino: If you go to the Golden Nugget, they'll be sure you don't become a hooker. In an amusing, if not staged, episode, a Vegas neophyte descended on the Golden Nugget to find fame and fortune but wound up getting a big ole dose of whoredom instead. And while our Pretty Woman fell on hard times, a plucky croupier butted heads with his boss and a few high rollers took advantage of Tim and Tom's hospitality. Just another weekend in downtown Vegas...

This week's featured guest was Jenn Nelson, a blonde Portland emigre who apparently found a cameraman on the side of the road. How else to explain the footage of her trek to Vegas unless Mark Burnett actually scouted her out? Nah. He would never stage anything like that. Right?

Nevertheless, our flaxen hero hit Sin City with optimistic glee that we knew would crumble into a beautiful hopelessness. A former hairdresser, Jenn has come to Vegas to... well, I'm not sure. She never really stated any clear career ambitions beyond finding a gig as a cocktail waitress. Her first mission was to take care of some clunky networking by chatting it up with a waitress, a pimp, and Tom. Wait, did I say pimp? Oh yeah, let me introduce you to Ernie, a "personal party planner". Pimp is the wrong word, he says. Riiiight.

Salivating at the sight of Jenn and her newbee blood, he went for the kill, tantalizing her with dreams of great fortunes. A few of his girls have retired at age 25, he said. I guess that will happen when you get bussed off to the slammer. Some neural synapses told Jenn this wasn't the best career opportunity - right now - so she politely turned her attention towards Human Resources, which provided zilch for her. Now, if I were Jenn, I probably would have sought out similar positions at other casinos (The Flamingo is in dire need of non-AARP waitresses), but our lost soul set her eyes on casino lounge Zax - aka home of tempestuous singer Matt Dusk. There she just happened to find casino co-owner Tom chillin' with his homeboys and had the cajones to ask for a job. He offered her a position in the "thanks but no thanks" department and deflected her onto resident artiste, Matt Dusk.

Our bobblehead crooner was not happy to have a new duet partner, and he complained, as usual, but eventually sacked up and sang one song with Jenn. Matt's British manager, Wolfie, could hardly contain his passive-aggression when he told Jenn, just before curtain, that she better not fuck up, otherwise she's done. Yes, he literally said that. And of course, the rattled hairdresser proved him wrong by, well, she actually proved him right. She croaked out a ninth grade variety show rendition of "The Way You Look Tonight" that left the denizens of Zax a little nonplussed.

With dreams of lounge glory dashed, an old friend resurfaced: Ernie. This time his promises of instant wealth appealed to Jenn, who was ultimately won over by the idea of being arm candy. She sidled up next to a rotund cowboy who quickly invited her up to his room. Jenn squirmed, stuck her heels in the ground, and ultimately walked away. Meanwhile, Tim regulated by calling security on Ernie, who I swear had a pair of horns sprouting from his bald cranium. At the end of the day, the Golden Nugget saved the day, and for just a few hours, no lost souls were lured into prostitution.

Elsewhere in the casino, Tim and Tom shat themselves while some high rollers luxuriated in a comped suite and munched on free gourmet food -- but sort of didn't do any gambling except for a few coins in the slot machines. I feel like that would be me. Tim was understandably peeved, especially after giving them the best suite in the house - complete with stunning view of, uh, a parking lot and dirt. But of course, that Breitling magic kicked in and he lured the moochers down to the floor to play a little high roller blackjack. There was laughing all around and of course the self-serving testimonials to the hotel's greatness.

Meanwhile, affable dealer Tommy realized he wanted more out of life. His boss, Monique, is a "harridan" - as evidenced by her annoyed response to Tommy's blatant lack of professionalism. Yeah, don't you hate it when bosses get mad if you refuse to listen to them or when you condescendingly mock them? Tommy, who looks like a snowman in a croupier's uniform, decided he wanted to be in guest relations like his dad - who incidentally was not about to pull any strings for his son. Once again - by sheer coincidence - Tim happened to be walking by, so Tommy asked to have a meeting to discuss career opportunities. Sure, said Tim with a politician's smile. Cut to meeting time and Tim's nowhere to be found. Tommy, who looked like he'd been left at the altar, cursed amusingly and headed back to his lowly post on the floor. Man, can't anyone get a job in this place?

Posted by B-Side at 11:18 AM | Permalink

Poor little rich girls. After a season and four episodes of treating everyone around them with little or no respect, Paris and Nicole finally learned what it's like to be on the receiving end of a condescending remark. Last night's episode of The Simple Life 2: Road Trip brought our divas to the Skinner home in rural Mississippi where they met yet another family that talked about laying down the law with these girls, but in reality only rolled their eyes and politely ordered them around. Well, that was the case for most of the family. Turns out eldest son James Skinner hasn't developed the polite sensibilities that dominated most of these innocent bystanders to the Paris and Nicole road trip. And God bless him for that.

Paris and Nicole entered the Skinner household politely enough. As the family greeted them in the living room and ran down the list of rules, Paris obliged us with her throaty cute voice, and Nicole only half-sneered for the occassion. It wasn't long though before these girls - probably at the insistence of Fox producers - turned on their obnoxious charm. The two of them balked at Mr. Skinner's joy for venison, and while people of good grooming would politely voice their objections to this dish, Paris and Nicole did what any reality star product of the nouveau riche would do: complain and mock.

Responding to the spoiled girls like a shark sniffing out blood, James immediately began the ball-busting. He pelted them with pseudo-naive questions about their waitresses and maids. Paris commented that she lives with her sister (the only Hilton without a reality show, literally) and they often cook for themselves. But judging by the way Paris looks, she eats only about once every few weeks; so her cooking skills are probably not that great (Exhibit A: the microwave incident from earlier this season).

Later, as the girls "helped" disassemble the above ground pool in the backyard, Nicole grew increasingly crabby towards James' constant mocking. James is by no means a great thinker or even an effective trash talker. But he is sadly on the same wavelength as Nicole, which is why they looked so comfortable adopting their playground roles. As Paris and Nicole faux-languished with a screwdriver, James blithely asked them "How many blondes does it take to unscrew something?" and then later referred to them as "Dumb and Dumber". Can this guy be a regular? It's about time one of these country bumpkins piped up.

Wellllll, no one cracks blonde jokes in front of Paris and Nicole. They can deride all the hicks and simple folk as much as they want, but if they have to be held accountable for their spoiled attitudes and cocky ways, well, then that's just plain wrong! Nicole firmly put her hand on her hip, a finger in the air, and railed on James. She said something to the effect of how she has respect and she has respect for her friend, and if James disrespects them again, she will beat the shit out of him. And I tell you, when Nicole gets on her heroin, she's pretty powerful.

Anyway, the lesson from this exchange was that Nicole and Paris can dish it, but they sure as hell can't take it. James was thankfully undeterred though. During a random, unexplained photo shoot with the local firefighters, he doused Nicole with a chemical spurt from a fire extinguisher. Thank you James for fulfilling the wishes of millions of Americans. Was it me, or did the constant bickering between these two feel sort of like cliched flirting from a Nora Ephron movie?

The next morning the girls went off to a sausage factory to earn some cashola so they could leave the Skinners and all the flaws the family forces them to face. Paris and Nicole didn't really know how to use a machine and got sausage innards all over the kitchen, but aside from that, they actually seemed to be doing the job fairly well. At the end of the day and after thoroughly frustrating their affable boss (what was that thing you were saying about respect, Nicole?), they concocted a sausage filled with doggie food, and gave it to James as a faux sign of good will. The girls cackled their way down the freeway, and the family, apparently not confused as to why the cameras were still around, watched James eat the sausage. I hate to break it to Paris and Nicole, but did they ever look at James? What makes them think he doesn't eat dog food all the time? It was a lame prank, and I declare James the winner of the episode. The losers? Probably us.

Posted by B-Side at 10:09 AM | Permalink