Let's all be honest, the best things about reality shows are the villains, and the idiots. This season of The Amazing Race provides good examples in both categories. Actually, you can safely say the show depends on the abundance of idiots to get us through the episodes. Thanks to the crazy challenges and the never-ending way to get yourself in trouble at the reservation counter at an airport, the producers don't need to do any creative editing to come up with the idiots. Finding villains is often much more difficult, and often a show will present a certain crop of characters to the audience with heavy bias in order to create more drama within the show. You can see that in early episodes of the Amazing Race where even the Bowling Moms were involved in some intrigue. The tape didn't have to be doctored to show viewers the true nature of Colin, posterchild of Rageoholics Anonymous. Without Marshall and Lance, Colin has had to be the one villain in the show, and he does his job with as much gusto as the ACLU defending an anarchist. Everybody just better watch out.

We really started to get a feel for Colin in the last episode where he went from someone who bullies little people, into somebody we think might actually eat people's hearts while they are still alive. OK, that's harsh. He would probably kill them first, but you get my point. At the beginning this week, everybody had to make their way to Water Wiki[make that Wild Wadi - thanks theMatt], the largest water park outside of the United States. You got to give it to those Emirates, they know how to have a good time. Well, the water park didn't open until 8 AM, so of course all of the teams caught up with each other. Good thing too, because once inside the water park, they had to face the task of...going down a big water slide. Hmm. It's not called Amazing Race: X-Treme, so I guess I can't complain the challenge is crazy, but don't they usually reserve that type of easy challenge for the final one in the episode?

The producers obviously knew much more than us viewers, because it turned out that the next part was difficult, at least for two teams. Everybody had to drive for the airport, which Chip and Kim translated to "Take a Taxi" and the bowling moms left the bag with their passports at the water park after they had already made it part of the way to the airport. Both teams returned to the water park to fix their errors. Luckily for these two slackers, the next destination was Calcutta, India, which you may also know as the number one place to go if you want to get the plague. Yes, that plague. And I realize with all the people in Calcutta, the chances are a statistical anomaly, but you don't see the plague in Hoboken do you? The air service to Calcutta was limited and all the teams made it on the same connecting flights except for Chip and Kim who had to take a plane that landed 10 minutes later. Once in Calcutta, Colin worked hard once again to show his true nature, throwing around some not-so-flattering compliments about Calcutta and what a high point of civilization it was. Chomsky, he is not. Admittedly, everybody else was complaining about the smell, but colin was mean spirited and holistically unaware, so he sucks more.

There was one inconsequential stop at a tower in calcutta, and Chip and Kim were able to make up all of the time they lost from being on the later plane thanks to a crazy driver and bad traffic for the others. CBS decided to remind all the viewers about the detour[Late Edit: Thanks to allelel, I meant the YIELD, not the detour], the feature of the race nobody even contemplates using this year. Perhaps they are saving it until later in the game, and maybe contestants in the upcoming races use it more, but it has been a boring addition this year. More frequent fast forwards would be much better. The first challenge was a roadblock that required one person to make twenty bricks in a traditional indian fashion, i.e. with mud and some hand tools.

This task was so challenging that Brandon and Nicole decided to try the Fast Forward, seeing as how it was taking some people 15 minutes to make one brick. Upon arriving at said Fast Forward, the two evangelical love birds discovered that they had the relatively easy task of performing a traditional Indian ritual. Relatively easy as long as you don't mind completely shaving your head. I know what you are saying. Shave your head? That's hard?! It will all grow back. You might even come home with fewer lice. Nicole looked as if the producers told her she had to star in Gangbang Girl 15 or something. She couldn't face cutting her hair. Brandon stated that he would have cut his hair, but he could never ask his baby to cut hers. I believe that Brandon was secretly grateful that Nicole freaked out, because there is no way he would let his Soul Glow stop shining from here until eternity. Perhaps if the producers said they would donate their hair to charity, it would have been a different story.

As you can imaging, going to one challege, choosing the fast forward, then going back to the original challenge took a lot of time, and Brandon and Nicole were very far behind. Even the twins, who took the longest to make the bricks, were gone. The next part of the trip was a train ride to another town, and we know how those third world train rides go. Without fail, the women are going to get mugged and they think people are groping them. The more likely story is that they are pickpockets who aren't very covert. The most likely story is that they are trying to cram a thousand people onto a train made for a hundred, so their isn't much personal space. Chip and Kim and Colin and Christie made it on the first plane, and the Bowling Moms were right behind them, but only had American Dollars to pay the train fare, and the ticket holder would only take rupees. The ticket agent was obviously an idiot for not fleecing the Americans out of their money, and the moms were forced to scalp for some rupees before they were able to board the next train, departing the station just as the twins had arrived.

I always love the detours, because the producers usually have great choices, "each with their own pros and cons". This year, the detours have been sub-par, because it seems a lot of teams are taking the physically demanding challenge and none take the harder course. Maybe this is a factor of the players involved or people getting wiser to the show, but their may need to be some tweaking in preparation for next year to get a little more variety. As you may guess, everybody chose the physical challenge, which was pushing a motor-less taxicab through the streets to a cab station. I could imagine how this would have been difficult for one person to do, but all of the teams received the aid of the multitude of people in the streets and with a dozen Indians pushing an empty cab, the task goes by like that.

So, Colin and Christie, Chip and Kim were first and second in close succession, and the Bowling Moms and the twins were farther behind, leaving only Brandon and Nicole to finish the race and wait for Phil's haunting words of departure. I was going to write something about vanity and the bible, or make a pun on Bonfire of the Vanities, to make fun of them, but CBS surprised me when they announced that this leg of the race was also non-elimination. On the heels of the Twins receiving the non-hook last week, I was hoping for some sanctimonious pleasure seeing Brandon and Nicole leave. Well at least I got to see that ridiculous look on Brandon's face.

Another team feels the pain of the non-elimination. The twins were able to get money by stroking the egos of a few guys in Bahrain, but I wonder if Nicole will go all Mary Magdalene to make her way through the next week. Chip and Kim and Colin and Christie are still the team to beat. It will be interesting to see if Chip and Kim can succeed in their goal of getting Colin so overconfident he messes up and they use it to their advantage.

Posted by J-Unit at 11:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Just in case we didn't think this season of Road Rules: X-Treme was lame enough, the good people at Bunim/Murray decided to double our pleasure by bringing back a host of familiar but amazingly unwelcomed faces to the proceedings. Dave, Chris, Abram, Mary Beth, Cara, and Tina from Road Rules: South Pacific returned for an intense X-Treme reunion that played out like a trip to a country fair. Yes, it was that most beloved of Road Rules traditions: the two-episode battle with the previous season. Where else can we find out what our latest Bunim/Murray superstars are up to? I'm sorry, let me rephrase that. Where else can we reaffirm our disdain for the Bunim/Murray superstars? Okay, okay, it's not that hard to reaffirm the disdain -- half these people spend the greater part of the year rehashing their fights and stagnating their maturation process on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. I just still don't understand why the producers reintroduce past Road Rulers as if we the audience have been waiting on pins and needles all year long for this moment. Oh how I pine for the moment when I can hear Tina's sweet boar voice shattering mirrors throughout my apartment!

Before any shenanigans with Road Rules alumni could get underway, Angela had to administer some X-Treme psychotherapy to Derrick. Acting as if she were the first one to notice this, Angela gave Derrick a random alcohol intervention in some shady public bathroom. Normally, I'd applaud Angela for being the one person to finally take the time to address Derrick's questionable drinking habbits, but in this case, I think she's less concerned about his liver and more excited to simply talk down to him. I swear I could see a smirk of delight when Angela laid on the guilt by saying things like "You're just like your parents" and "Don't tell me your girlfriend dumped you because of your drinking." Derrick was practically ready to hand over his soul to her by the end of this session.

It was sort of a random note to start the show on, but it didn't take long for Road Rules to veer back into banal territory as the beautiful but English-challenged Mission Mayors introduced the South Pacific jerks. Missing from this clan was Christina (sadly), Donnell (thankfully), and Jeremy (who?). The good news for us was that Dave and Mary Beth are fairly normal and inoffensive. The bad news was that Chris has become even more righteous, and the ugly news was that Tina still exists. Meanwhile Abram - the misunderstood ejectee from last season - has now morphed into a ball of hyperactive suck. Sadly, he has been given a false notion of celebrity from his TWO seasons (in one year!) of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge, and therefore he thinks he is just a riot. Oh those witty asides. If only I could give the camera a rasberry as well as he!

The two teams met at what was dubbed "Face Off Island". So did the creative team behind Super Mario Brothers name this mission? Actually, to be fair, the episode would have been a whole lot more entertaining with this music in the background. Anyway, Chris - who appears to be using Just For Men for his chronic graying - said that he wanted to know how extreme the new guys really are. Uh, well, they drew pictures of trees and ate blood sausage. Does that count?

Somewhere in the frenetic mess of the two teams hugging and wrestling and being giddy in general, Angela was kind enough to announce that Jillian had been sleeping with Patrick. So much for that trying to be friendly bit at the end of the last episode. Turns out that when kind-hearted, pop-psych spewing Angela isn't being Ms. Mature & Altruistic with Derrick, she's happily besmirtching her teammates' reputations. I guess she's gotta pull the "Slut!" card before someone strikes her Jehova's Witness Achilles' Heel.

The competition finally got under way with a six mile relay race. Ooooh - X-TREME! High school track teams are in awe. They normally only have four legs in their relays, but Road Rules has SIX! Somebody call the IOC - MTV's gotta beat on them!

Derrick ran the first leg, and because he drinks a lot and smokes a lot (unlike any of the other vice-free competitors on the screen), he was easily eclipsed by Dave. Tina, known for her tact and well-informed comments, yelled out "How those cigarettes feeling, big boy?" To which I wanted to respond "How those ugly facial features feeling, big girl?" Apparently, no one in this game remembered that Derrick actually has a knee injury, but I guess that's harder for people like Angela to talk down about, so they'll just hawk the drinking problems.

Tina, who was looking sort of like a cleaned up Madame from Polynesia, was next to run her leg, and of course, being the slow hypocrite that she is, easily lost her lead to that other magnet for obnoxious attention, Angela. Upon finishing her lap, Tina fell to the ground amidst a flurry of hacking sounds. Jodi cheerfully noted "when you throw up when you're done you know you ran hard". So what does it mean when I throw up when I see Tina? Nevertheless, X-Treme dominated over the race with Jillian and Patrick serving as MVPs. I guess that'll happen when you get a track star and a football player to run what is normally considered a practice loop.

The next event on Face Off Island was some X-Treme chicken wrangling. Two people would run into a pen with two chickens and race to grab a cock and hoist it over their heads as quickly as possible. Surely, Tina would have no problem going after the cock, but the event proved more difficult for her than expected. She and Jodi grabbed a poor chicken and tugged on it as if it were some prized teddy bear. Nevermind how terrifying it was for the bird to be man- er, chickenhandled in such a way, but can you imagine wandering around your little world, only to look up and see the tree-trunk figure of Tina lunging at you? That's pretty much the equivalent of getting sexually abused in the chicken world. The fowl had its revenge though when Tina was sent toppling over, hopefully in some chicken poo, and Jodi was victorious.

After that intense poultry showdown, the players all got a chance to relax for a little bit and suck on some Capri Sun pouches. Mmmm... Capri Sun. I don't even like it, but I can't resist inculcating product placement. Must... drink... Capri... Sun... Actually, I bet I'd like Capri Sun just a little bit more if they would only show that hysterical commercial with the old lady shuffling to the car just one more time! It gets me every time!

With the Road Rulers facing a little down time, Angela decided it was time to be a busybody again (Years of knocking on people's doors have taught her well). She approached resident preacher Chris about showing Derrick the light. Chris was more than happy to oblige. He gave Derrick a little pep talk about how he too used to be into usin' and abusin', but then the power of Christ compelled him to stop. Of course, when we here at the TVgasm offices last checked, Chris was spreading the word of abstinence by serving drinks at The Forbidden City in Hollywood. Anyway, whatever Chris said did the trick because suddenly Derrick was on the straight and narrow path - as evidenced by him staring at a liquor bottle, and then... not staring at it! I'm glad Chris can provide insta-rehab.

With the public service announcement portion of the broadcast over, the show got back to trivial matters with the next fascinating face off. Contestants now had to punch through a series of wooden "planks", and the team with the fastest cumulative time would win. As daunting as this task may have looked, the truth was that these pieces of wood were about as thick as an emery board. But hey, it's X-Treme Nail File Breaking! No one seemed to have any problem with it except Cara who apparently would lose a fist fight with a twig. Literally, this girl could not break the boards. I guess that can happen when you exert about as much force as an infant reaching for a bottle. Meanwhile, the Mission Mayors just laughed in the background. More bonus point for them.

Once again the X-Treme crew dominated and the kids all retired to their RVs for the night. The episode sprinted to the finish line by throwing in taunts of sexual intrigue with Patrick and Mary Beth. The two engaged in a flirtatious tango that understandably rattled Jillian. Mary Beth only wants attention, explained Jillian. Uh, last time we looked, Road Rules stars weren't known for their reluctance in the spotlight, Ms. "I Put Out On My First Night On TV". For now, Jillian will have to watch her man dance poorly with another woman. But would the Mary Beth/Patrick canoodling lead to an X-Treme hookup? We won't know until next week since Bunim/Murray flashed "To Be Continued..." on the screen. Oh, how I yearn to see the results of Face Off Island, Day 2!

Posted by B-Side at 12:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

One of two things happened last night, A brilliant tactical move to gain voter sympathy, or a touching patriarchal tribute. Either way, requires my two cents.

Jay Mohr announced last night, "Please welcome the very funny RALPHY MAY!!" and the usually jolly May, sauntered out with swollen reddened eyes. The often loud comic, carried a soft tone while he said,

"My fathers name, is Winston May, and uhh..yesterday he died from cancer. And so, tonight I'm gonna do my best to honor him. And I’m gonna tell some of his favorite jokes."

He then went on to tell two old stock jokes, but completely lost it on stage. He then walked off to great applause.

It could be Ralphy is positioning himself to be the next Andy Kaufman with a performance such as this, or perhaps was trying to gain the sympathy votes Dat Phan got to defeat him season one. One thing was sure, it was very out of place. I felt horribly for him, and I hope it was a bit he was doing. Imagine losing your father to cancer one day, and flying across the country the next to tape a show where you have to do friggen comedy!?

If his father did in fact die the day before, I feel conflicted as to how to feel about the producers letting him still perform. On the one side, this is a comedy show and they should bring some dudes tragedy into my living room and ruin my bong-hit high. Also, it's irresponsible an exploitive to have this guy breakdown on national TV like this when he should have been with family healing.

On the other hand it could be argued that if Ralphy wanted to do it, how could they say no to a guy who just lost his dad to cancer. And in addition to being a comedy show it is a reality show and it doesn't get much more real than that.

I just don't know. What exactly I feel, which makes this a tough post. So I leave it up to you to tell me....

Was it real? And if so, should NBC have allowed him to participate? Reply below.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 12:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Tonight I sampled FOX's promising new reality series The Complex: Malibu, and all I have to say is "huh?" That's not a "huh" of disappointment. Just one of mere confusion. You see, I wasn't a very diligent viewer tonight. I tuned in at around 9:15 - a good hour and fifteen minutes into the two hour premiere; so it was pretty much my own damn fault for having to spend a good half an hour just trying to figure out who was who and what they all were working on. At the same time, I feel like I might not have been better off had I started watching from the beginning. Here's a brief rundown of the rules. Eight couples are split into two teams that will renovate one multi-leveled complex of four apartments. The first team will tackle the two apartments in the upper complex while the second team will take on the bottom. Each team will then break into two groups of four (that's two couples each), and each group will then renovate one room of one apartment. Why, that's not hard to follow at all. But wait, there's more!

At the end of each episode, a trio of experts in the realm of architecture, interior design, and real estate grade each room and assess which one adds the most value to the complex and which one adds the least. Whichever team has the suckiest room has to evict a couple, but don't get excited for some simple, streamlined tribal council meets Paige Davis moment. No, in The Complex, everyone votes (except the group leader) to evict, and then the host presents the two nominated teams. Only then do we find out which room is the lamest and who will be going home. It's as if we don't find out who wins immunity in Survivor until after the Tribal Councils.

When I wasn't trying to play catchup on the rules, I was attempting to catalogue the sixteen (oy) new cast members into my reality database. The truth is that I really didn't see enough to make any qualified opinions on the people, but I must say that I do love the feisty old couple whose room the realtor described as "Oxnard or San Bernadino", but definitely NOT Malibu. Why would he say that? Just because the non-ironic wood panelling was reminiscent of A Very Brady Interior Design?

Despite their stylistic handicaps, the old couple - Barney and Rose as they're commonly referred to - were great during a heated fight at the "lumberyard" - aka some poorly lit backdrop (READ: soundstage) for an elimination ceremony. Ultimately, it was the nice couple of Monique and Sanyika that was sent on a walk of shame down the lumberyard of splintered dreams.

One thing that disturbed me was the trend of celebrity lookalikes in the cast. The chipper host looked like a low rent Noah Wyle, nominee Carl looked like a buffer John Stewart, intense strategizer Steve looked like a blonde Danny Bonnaducci, dentally challenged Sam looked like a white trash Sharon Osbourne, and aforementioned Barney looked like a fat John Spencer.

With the fall season about to come on strong, I'm not sure if I'll be able to add another TV show onto my weekly viewing, but The Complex was quite fun, and I may try to catch a few more episodes. Luckily the regular Friday timeslot should ensure that I'll miss most of the new shows.

Posted by B-Side at 11:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

There is a difference between writing a clever, snarky TVGasm post & writing a post filled with loathing and distain. This is one of the key reasons I have not been posting on AMISH IN THE CITY these past few weeks.

Certainly, plenty has happened. You have Amish kids experiencing things for the first time (about 12 times per episode). Then there is Whitney comparing herself to the Amish cause she has never done certain things before (Like said "No" to a deep-fried, double cheeseburger with sugar syrup). Just last week we saw Ariel pet a fish to death, twisted bitch. Hell, we have even bore witness to Mose in mid chisel of his new invention....a wooden heart with a stick poking out of it...OHHH WHAT WILL IT BECOME!?

So, with all this and more happening, why have I not been able to post?

Whenever I try to post on what has happened, I tend to get caught up in my distain for these three douche-bags:

Jase was a terribly annoying man in the Big Brother house, but he was annoying in a way that didn't hurt anyone and made for good TV. These three vultures of cultures, however, are completely evil. I have proof that they eat puppies and microwave babies after the jump.

Ok, so I don't have proof they microwave babies, but it doesn't mean these aren't the nastiest people on television.

I really think this Rumspringa thing is a big deal for these Lincoln dressing, horse riders. I think they will be basing a lifelong decision on this experience. Do I stay Amish? Or do I play X-Box, use a vacuum cleaner and lose the beano stick. Well, if I were to live with Whitney, Megan and Reese for 2 months, chances are I would be fleeing for the hills of Amishville!

These three are the nastiest, most fowl people that LA has to offer. It has nothing to do with the stereotypes they so tenderly fit into and has everything to do with their evility...is that a word? Ok, one good thing has come of these three; I invented a new word in the English language to describe them, "evility".

First is the she-male looking Megan. Initially, I didn’t like her because I am a fan of judging books by their covers. (By the way I hear the Divinci Code is great..pretty cover). This chick-with-dick began grating my nuts when she was talking about being such a party girl with delusions of sex appeal. It should be known I really hate hot people who know they are hot - one of the many reasons I hated The Player. But what I have discovered I hate almost equally as much are crispy scabby people who think they are hot and give off that hot person attitude. Enter The Megan. I feel badly for Kevan, one of the few city kids with a heart, for being duped into having a romantic interest in this nut-tucker. One of the only things more revolting than the layers of Ben-Nye face paint she shovels onto her mug is her negative attitude, narrow mindedness, self-absorbance, holier than though mentality. OK so that’s more than one thing. This "LA fasionista" (her words not mine) thrives on the drama and always seems to be in the middle of it. But not nearly as badly as.....

Whitney. Whitney, Whitney, Whitney. You can take the girl out of South Central, but you can't take South Central out of the girl. Whitney has taught me a lot. For example, I used to think the FRIDAY movies were a little bit on the "Blacksploitation" line. I thought a film like BABERSHOP may have exaggerated some negative traits within a community for comedic effect, not unlike the minstrel shows of yesteryear gone by. But Whitney has taught me that the aforementioned films may indeed be documentaries. This woman has so much rage and anger built into her fa-- err big boned body, she is seemingly always ready to bust with the tongue lashing (and I don’t mean the kind of tongue lashing I'd like from Ariel). I must give Whitney one compliment, she can argue about anything at anytime. She's the kind of broad that would take a stance PRO-slavery in America just for the sake of having a argument. This would make for very interesting banter and use of language if not for the fact that she is verbally fencing the Amish. The freaking AMISH!! That’s like me arm wrestling Christopher Reeve. It transitions from fun, good TV to me just feeling so badly for the Amish kids. I mean my heart goes out to them. I must give mad props to Ruth for trying to argue with her now famous "I'm a little teapot" swivel. Bravo.

Finally we have Satan. Oh, did I say Satan? I mean Hitler. Oops! REESE. This kid has some serious pent up rage in him. Maybe it has something to do with resentment to his hair stylist for giving him Ace Ventura's hair style. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he is in his mid-30's trying to live as though he is still in his early 20's. Maybe it is just because he is a fucking failure in his life, or the result of a broken condom or poor judgment call at an abortion clinic, I don’t know. One thing I do know is the amount of pure malice and ill will he elicits trumps Omarosa, Jase, that naked gay survivor guy, and Johnny Fairplay combined. He is just nasty in mind, spirit and soul. I could sit here and try to psycho analyze him, but even with my snarky cynicism, I am just not that good.

At the end of the day, I like Omarosa, I like Jase, and I like Johnny Fairplay. I like to hate them, and they made for good TV. These three, Reese in particular, I truly would rather not see on the show. They don't add anything. The conflict they elicit, feels too real. And look, this is "Reality TV" true, but there needs to be an element of escapism to it. Jase was a cartoon, Omarosa was a harmless Diva, Johnny Fairplay was just a fun liar. But with these three on the show, at times I worry for the physical safety of the other roommates but most of all, I am disappointed because they really detract from what is otherwise a very cool, high concept show.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 10:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Sweet Sassy Molassy! Julie Chen was flubtastic tonight. Whether it was her voting play-by-play or her color commentary on a rousing game of miniature golf, the Chenbot was messing things up left and right. Luckily her misfortune is our entertainment, but in tonight's case, the casual Chen flub may have actually changed the course of Big Brother 5. As we here at TVgasm have already noted, Julie Chen clearly did not listen to this season's ponderous mantra, "Do Not Assume", which is why she blew her wad (if that's possible) on Marvin's successful putt. But clever eyes and well-worn Tivos discovered a twist that not even the producers had anticipated. Karen's ball actually dropped before Marvin's. Project DNA THAT, Julie Chen. Gotcha, Chenbot!

I guess we knew we'd be in for a night of scandal when Julie decided to wear a dress that was apparently inspired by the plastic binding on a six-pack of soda. I feared a wayward seagull might get caught in the straps and die. Of course no bird would ever fly close to Julie because her Darth Vader helmet hair was back in full force. I'd like Julie to introduce her fashions the way she does the weekly nominees: "What will be more awkward? Will it be my dress - the refuse from a Pepsi splurge earlier this afternoon - or my hair - the George Lucas inspired coif from Star Wars? We'll find out in moments. But first..."

The good news for Julie was that she got through the first half of the episode with nary a camel toe inducing slip-up. She was even able to banter with the houseguests and let out a carefree laugh. Granted, while the Chenbot's giggle sounded like she were literally saying "Ha ha ha", you can't deny the sheer pleasure she was taking in being sassy in her red cocktail dress . The live eviction brought a quick end to Julie's joyride though. The Chenbot's logarithms clearly had not calculated the inevitable 4-1 vote against Natalie, resulting in an awkward flubfest that was something along the lines of "With three votes for Natalie's eviction, Natalie will be... [Chenbot pauses, thinks of another word instead of eviction, helmet hair closes in around her, slurry speech mode commences] leaving tonight". There were a few more stutters and blips, and by the time the controversial Head of Household competition rolled around, I was convinced CBS would have to reboot Julie lest she devolve into that trance like sound of a CD skipping.

The biggest revelation of the night - for me at least - was discovering Julie's secret love of Mini Putt-Putt. When Cowboy sunk his ball right off the bat, Julie Chen blurted out an overly excited exclamation like "Instantly!" or "Wow!" (I'm too lazy to go back and check the quotes - my bad). I had never heard such unbridled and unscripted enthusiasm from the Chenbot, and we here at TVgasm have this exclusive shot of Julie's reaction.

Unfortunately, Julie's overeager excitement for some ball in hole action led to an improper declaration of Marvin as a victor over Karen in a qualifying round of the competition. Ultimately, Marvin nabbed the HOH title, which capped off an already super freakin' great week for him. Not only did Marvin not get nominated this week and grab HOH (at least for now), he also won himself a guest stint on the Young and the Restless. Apparently not enough people read our online plea to get Michael on the soap. People, don't you know comedy? Anyway, Marvin did a bang up job of grumbling his three lines, which seemed to be variations on "You got it". It all kind of reminded me of that scene in Soapdish when a gaggle of hungry actors determinedly practiced their one line, "Will you be having wine with dinner?"

Even though I wanted Cowboy to win, I was happy for Marvin. That is until I saw his newly decorated head which seemed to be the union of Big Brother and Adidas logos. It was a little silly, but then again, somebody's gotta take the dumb hairstyle reigns now that Jase is gone. While Marvin flashed his striped dome from his comfy seat on the "safe" couches, Michael sweated it out on the lime green nominee seat. He didn't have to act so "nervousing" because we all knew he'd be safe. Maybe he was nervous because he had overheard Diane and Drew plotting his egress from outside the bathroom stall where he was taking a dump. Talk about an awkward moment.

When Julie called upon the nominees to say their final words, Michael spewed out a decently articulate speech... that never ended. Michael thanked everyone and everything for so long I thought the Chenbot would explode. Julie tried to interject a few times, and a sharp eye could see her feet shuffling as if she needed to hit the ladies room. Little did I know that she was excitedly anticipating the miniature golf game later in the broadcast.

Julie did manage to give Cowboy a little zipit, which was a great relief to us - until Natalie launched into her own babbling speech. Whereas Michael spent what felt like hours thanking everyone under the sun, Natalie went for a more "Homeroom Announcements" style blabbing by rattling off seemingly every event that would be happening between now and Monday. I half expected her to announce a bake sale or a chess club meeting.

At the end of the day, it was Natalie who was sent packing to join what will now be the most awkward jury house EVER (in case you forgot, Will is there and no amount of tropical sun seems to have put out his angry gay fires). During the post-eviction interview, Natalie did make one good point which is that Nakomis kept using that stupid pinky swear thing as an excuse to go after the twins when she should have just admitted that Adria and Natalie were too much of a threat. That was my strategy comment of the night.

Understandably, Adria was pretty upset to lose her sister. Karen consoled her, which was nice, but last time I checked, Karen was one of the people who had thrown out Natalie. That would explain why Adria looked less than enthused to receive this bit of sympathy from Karen. I really like Karen, but I do have a pet peeve. Why must she adopt this pouty/breathless voice when she casts votes? It's sort of creepy.

All in all, this was a fairly amusing episode, even if it was tainted by the specter of controversy. Who would have ever thought harmless Julie Chen could have sullied the dignity of the game with her poor refereeing? I guess anything can happen when the Chenbot shows a little cleavage. Anyway, time to vomit.

Posted by B-Side at 2:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

I have just worn out the repeat button on my ReplayTV making sure I saw correctly. Someone needs to recalibrate the Chen-Bot.

In tonight’s HOH Competition there were 2 elimination rounds of Mini-Golf. Chen-Bot announced the rules as:

"The first person to sink a put, and whose ball goes all the way to the bottom of the tube, wins the round."

In the second round Marvin sunk his put 1st, but Karen’s ball made it "all the way to the bottom of the tube" first. To this, I call SHINANIGANS as Chen-Bot called Marvin victorious as his ball was still spinning in a circle waiting to drop and Karen’s ball was falling down the tube. Upon replay after replay I never even saw Marvin’s ball enter the tube.

On a personal note, I was rooting for Marvin to get HOH, but not like this. Julie has made it ugly.

Though it is not certain Karen would have won HOH, one thing is certain, MARVIN WOULD NOT HAVE. This affects the outcome of the game; it is something I am certain the producers noticed since I noticed it right away. I am curious if this TV show falls under the title of GAMESHOW or REALITY SHOW because there is cash prize involved. If it is Game Show, I believe there are legalities involved since the Charles Van Doren Quiz Show scandal of the 1950's. I think it is not too late for Big Brother to correct their error and encourage them to do so.

Furthermore, I am beginning an email campaign to write into CBS and let them know they didn't get anything by the viewers, we noticed their error and expect it to be corrected. As soon as I find it I will be posting the email address to send to.

Maybe, I'm overreacting. What do you think?

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 7:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (21)

Well, it's the dog days of summer. Labor Day is just around the corner, and across the country, malleable young high school grads are packing up their belongings and heading off to college. Those days have long past for us old fogeys here at TVgasm, but we like to relive them through MTV's annual offering of Sorority Life and Fraternity Life, which leaves me simply asking: WTF?

Where is our parade of unattractive girls (see above) and thickheaded guys? Where is our compedium of silly pranks and alcoholic hijinx? Sure, some of the brothers killed an octogenarian koi fish in the last season of Fraternity Life, but that shouldn't fell a burdgeoning franchise. No other show starts off so unappealingly every season only to wind up embarrassingly riveting. Please MTV, in the name of all things campy and silly, bring back our Greek shenanigans.

So far, I haven't read whether or not the show has been officially cancelled or officially renewed. We'll just have to remain in the dark like a trembling pledge tied up and blindfolded, awaiting the reality hazing that only MTV can give us.

Posted by B-Side at 4:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

According to theNY Post, CBS has signed a deal with Tommy Hilfiger to star in a new reality show. Some of you may be wondering A) Why would Tommy Hilfiger do a reality show and B) Why would Tommy Hilfiger do a reality show after his daughter did a reality show? Well, to answer A), if Les Moonves was going to give you money to make a (almost certainly horrible)reality show, would you turn down the money? And to answer B), the Hiltons have already made it OK for socialites to follow their daughters into reality television.

Since I spent much of my formative years in the area where Tommy was born, I am inclined to at least check out this new reality show. However, I can't help but wonder if America as a whole is ready for an entire season of that horse-faced grin. May we make a suggestion to Viacom and Mr. Moonves? If you want to get adapt an MTV reality show for CBS, may we suggest "Julie Chen: Special Delivery"?.

Thanks to Too Much Free Time for the heads up.

Posted by J-Unit at 3:08 PM | Permalink

It's been a little while since I've weighed in on Big Brother, and by "little while", I mean two episodes. That's a lot in the world of TVgasm. Nevertheless, I'm back, and I'm highly entertained. Watching the female alliance implode has been a delightful summer activity, and last night the chaos escalated as Adria toppled off the nomination block and the rest of the houseguests scampered for cover. Unfortunately for Cowboy, he was the only one who didn't nab a seat at the musical chairs-esque selection process for nominations and wound up sitting pretty with a peeved Natalie on the chopping block. With any luck, Michael's consolation prize will be a trip to Young and the Restless, but I guess we'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out about that.

I suppose it's a little fitting that Michael and Natalie will be the focus of Julie Chen's appositive marathon this week ("Michael, the security guard from Oklahoma, and Natalie, the fitness professional from Alabama..."). After all, these two did almost deprive the household from a few gifts in this week's luxury challenge. The group had to climb through a web of bungee chords, grab giant, lettered balls and spell a word with them ("internet"). If completed under three minutes, the group would win a shopping spree at Amazon.com. For every thirty seconds over the deadline, the houseguests would have one less item to buy. Leave it to the crack spelling mastery of Cowboy and Natalie to spell out "intenret". It wasn't as bad as "Cheesse", but it did cost the team precious time, which resulted in a smaller shopping spree.

Luckily, the team optimized its time on Amazon.com by buying... steaks? Whaa? Don't these people have a chance to win gourmet food every week? I mean, they've got lobster tail, filet mignon, and shrimp. Why would they want mail order beef? Karen pushed for a fire pit, which was nice in theory, but in practice, I wonder about it's longtime usefulness. Then again, those summer nights in the San Fernando valley are so extremely cold. Good thinking, houseguests.

The group did put the fire pit to one novel use. They toasted Holly's plastic kitty in a low rent exorcism of Jase's presence. I think the best route would have been to incinerate Jase's camo hat which seems to have found a new home on Drew's head. Nevertheless, the group was fairly satisfied with the feline torching, and apparently the sickening fumes were worth it (we here at the TVgasm offices once drunkenly torched a George Foreman Grill, and let me tell you something: it didn't smell good. Burning plastic just isn't as nice as burning mesquite).

Well, life wasn't all chuckles around the fire pit. It was also chuckles around the nomination table, at least for Natalie and Adria. The two dialed up their twin defense mechanisms and laughed at the nominations as if they so didn't mind. They didn't mind so much that they then went on a rampage through the house trying to rally supporters to win the veto for them. Adria bullied Diane and Drew to the point where Drew finally said he'd use the veto if he won it. Of course, he told that to Jase too, and we know how that went.

Diane meanwhile has become the master of flakiness. About the only thing she can commit to is a good five hours under the sun a day. Ultimately she couldn't give the twins her word that she'd use the veto because she was still upset about Will. Was she upset that Will left or that she wasn't getting credit for suggesting him as a nominee? I can't figure it out.

Well, all this veto posturing was moot because Adria handily won the competition, which was a bizarre exercise in photoshop horrors. Taking a page from Conan O'Brien, the producers set out to haunt our nightmares with images of three house guests composited into one, and players had to guess which three guests were in each composite. I liked this because I could play at home, which I did. And then I felt lame. I just want to know why I was able to figure out all three faces in the two seconds CBS showed us the images whereas Michael took fifteen minutes? I would have rocked that challenge. The only minor quibble I had was the lack of any CBS reality all-star hosting composite. I think we'd all like to see the love child of Julie Chen, Phil Koegan, and Jeff Probst.

Well, Adria predictably took herself off the block after faking out her sister for a second. After almost two months of this show, I think we can conclude that Adria delivers the very worst speeches. They're long, rambling, and full of righteous undertones that simultaneously annoy and bore me. Nakomis was not very happy with this turn of events. After all, she wanted to exact revenge on Adria for breaking that damn pinky swear, and if there's anything we know, it's that a pinky swear is a legally binding contract. At least that's what I'd assume based on the weight these people are giving their pinkies. Well, in the spirit of breaking promises, Nakomis put up her half-brother Cowboy as the pawn. I don't know how he feels about it, but I'm sure it's very "nervousing".

Did Nakomis make the right move?

Posted by B-Side at 10:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

You know, a lot of people didn't know what to do with themselves after Charla and Mirna were cut from The Amazing Race last week. How would we pass the hour without our lovable little person and her oddball sidekick? It seemed unfathomable. The season was all but over for many viewers. Who would have thought a dash of domestic abuse would fill the void oh so well? Colin and Christie took center stage tonight as their typical bickering escalated into a full scale battle with the police in Kilimanjaro. In only a matter of minutes, we learned not only why Americans are hated around the world but how severely Colin was abused as a child. This guy has issues.

I guess life is hard for Colin. For some reason, he just can't get any respect from strangers around him. Maybe they don't realize that the angry scowl on his face means he's happy. You know, the sort of happiness you feel when you only want to whip two people instead of ten. Nevertheless, it seems like some pesky foreigner who can't speak English (idiot!) is always screwing things up for Colin and gosh darnit, these people seem to actually get angry when he talks down to them in hostile tones. Who do these jerks think they are? Human beings?

Tonight, Colin's big beef was that a cabbie charged him $100 for a two hour ride to the airport. Colin felt entitled to a $50 rebate after the cab's tire blew out and cost them their lead. His rationale: driving for two hours on a doughnut is unsafe at any speed. He's right. The cabbie really should have taken the car to that famous twenty-four hour tire specialist in rural Tanzania. Wait, there is no service station open at 3 AM to fix a flat tire? Oh, that's right. I guess that can be a tall order for the THIRD WORLD.

Well, even though all the other teams forked over $100 to their cabbies (including Linda and Karen whose cab broke down with an oil problem), Colin haggled rudely over the price. Eventually the driver found a police officer who brought Colin down to the station. There, the irate Texan treated the officers like children, going so far as to say Hakuna Mattata. In the midst of this, Christie pleaded for Colin to just pay the other $50 and get on with it. The altercation continued to escalate though, with Colin yelling at the officer in command. "I have a flight to catch!" he yelled, as if that would somehow justify all this chaos. The police chief was unimpressed. Only moments before being thrown in a rat infested cell (I don't know if it was infested, but it adds drama to my recap), Colin finally tossed over the rest of the money and brusquely huffed out of the police department. Amazingly, he managed to blame it all on Christy. For a brief moment, she actually stood up for herself by judiciously noting that she, in fact, had done absolutely nothing. I mean, literally nothing. At this moment, I half expected Colin to find some pay phone, call up O.J., and ask for tips.

The saddest part of this entire saga was Christie who after a moment of defiance, eventually apologized to Colin and then told the camera later in the episode that she should never have questioned him. She then apologized for the time when Colin was six and his stepfather beat him with a wire hanger because somehow she was responsible for that too. Most deplorable about this situation was that after the taxi incident passed, Colin still managed to be verbally abusive to Christie in front of the other teams, haranguing her by saying "I'm just trying to tell the story! God!" Last time I checked, a Texas Gentleman believes in a thing called chivalry, not public displays of rudeness to your girlfriend.

The good news was that Colin and Christie weren't the only team having some drama. Our hopelessly devoted Christian pals Brandon and Nicole had a battle of the whines in a lame argument about fiscal responsibility. I really don't want to get into the nitty-gritty of the fight because the more I think about it, the more I hear the two of them moaning "Baby..." to each other, but suffice it to say, Nicole was upset that Brandon was being so liberal with the money. So let's just run down some of the do's and don'ts of being a devout Christian, according to the dating/models. Drinking - bad. Lying and backstabbing - good. Giving money to the poor - bad. Wow, they really set a great example.

While Brandon and Nicole whined about their financial woes and Colin and Christie performed the pre-beating rituals, Chip and Kim simply smiled nervously as they realized their cash was running out. Unfortunately, Chip - apparently experiencing the best cab ride of his life - tipped a driver twenty dollars, a sum which placed a significant dent in their funds. That's okay though. They have an unlimited amount of that special currency which is accepted throughout the world: the old goofy Chip smile. Don't believe me? Chip and Kim managed to underpay a cabbie ten dollars, and instead of a shouting match at the local police station, they got away with a simple hug and a friend for life. Okay, maybe not that, but Chip's strategy of not blaming the cabbie seemed to work amazingly well.

Elsewhere in the world of the Amazing Race, the twins started off the episode with a new outlook on life. Instead of reading clues without intellectually processing them, they've decided to actually think about their tasks at hands and not run off in any random direction. It makes a huge difference. But then again, these gals never saw a task they couldn't screw up, so tonight's Twins Moment came when they erred on the side of too much caution. The two arrived at the Detour's skydiving destination, only to leave to make sure they hadn't actually missed any other AR flags. This of course led to a major loss of time on the Twins' part. It was unfortunate, but I was glad to see the Twins adopting some remote form of logic in this game for once.

The plus side to this blunder is that we got to see an insanely exciting race to the finish line which featured the ever chipper moms riding their camels to Phil while the twins literally fell from the sky above. After all of the moral drama of the episode, Colin and Christie wound up finishing first again - that's one less welt for you, Christie! - while the twins reached Phil last. I would have been really unhappy to see any of the teams get eliminated before Colin or Brandon, so I was particularly pleased to learn that this episode was non-elimination. I do fear for the twins' lives as they try to navigate Dubai without any money. This could be blunderfest 2004.

Posted by B-Side at 2:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (19)

I am not going to sit here and argue that Big Brother is anything like an episode, of the Amazing Race, but it is quite spectacular to watch how things can change from one day to the next. For the people who watch the live feeds, the surprises are not so fast and furious. For those of us who stick to the broadcasts, the twists and turns of the show usually do a good job of surprising us. Ever since WIll was sent packing, there has been a turn in the house. It's as if Mills Lane yelled "Let's Get it On!", and everybody is trying to figure out how they can get to the end with a couple of people they might have a chance of beating. Although I suspect Adria wasn't prepared for the extent of the backlash after her decision to evict Will, Nakomis did nothing to hide her feelings and was prepared to make enemies.

I previously talked a lot about the Twins being relatively calm with their behavior in the house after Nakomis won HoH. Well, after being nominated, the twins went a little crazy. They did the whole "if I laugh about my nomination enough, maybe I won't care about being on the block" thing, but that didn't seem to work. Nakomis based her choices on the idea that the twins broke the pinky swear at the beginning. Well, fine, except that Natalie was never part of the pinky swear alliance. Nakomis tried to make her case that she when Adria made the promise, she and Natalie were playing as one and should have been informed. Tisk, tisk, tisk Nakomis. Haven't you learned what the theme for this season is? Project DNA! Do Not Assume! Just because Natalie came in the house doesn't mean she is going to do everything her sister wants her to, overwhelming evidence to the contrary notwithstanding.

The house guests also got a chance at a luxury challenge this week. They had to pull out the letters "I-N-T-E-R-N-E-T" from a sort of elastic jungle gym, and depending on their time, they would be awarded up to eighteen items from Amazon.com. After managing to win fourteen items, everybody piled into the HoH room and started shopping. They bought some exercise equipment, Omaha steaks, and an outdoor fire pit, among other things. A water volleyball net was also on the list, which seems kind of dumb. I'm not sure what available items they were able to choose from, but I would much rather of had a basketball hoop or something. And there should have been something better than a fire pit. I know it is conducive to more outdoor activity at night, and you can't laugh at the possibility of making smores, but it does get old. Remember when you were at camp during the summer and had to deal with that campfire for 1 week? Remember how, after that week, you were much happier to get back to your gas heat and/or breezy air conditioning? That's my prediction for the novelty of this fire pit. It did, however, give everybody a chance to rip on Holly a little bit. They took the cat that Holly gave Jase for good luck and put it on the fire pit. As they watched it turn black, Karen wisely decided to smoke a marshmallow on it, perhaps thinking that some chemicals from the paint on Holly's cat would do her in the place of some Xanax.

It has become pretty obvious that the Twins are in it alone this week and although they are sisters, they both want to use the veto to save each other. Therefore, they spend a lot of time trying to get an idea of where Drew and Diane stand with the veto and how they would use it. It's obvious that Diane has shifted her allegiance, and Drew doesn't look as attached to the twins as he did before Nakomis won HoH. Diane never really commits to doing anything but Drew says yes, which as Jase would tell you, instills confidence in not a single person. For the competition Nakomis picks Marvin, Adria picks Drew, and Natalie picks Michael. The game is a take on the "What if they mated feature" of Conan O'Brien. Various facial features of three different people from this year's show were combined to create one super ugly face. The Marvin/Lori/Holly face was particularly disturbing. This competition was no contest, and Adria won in a landslide. The look on Nakomis' face displayed an amount of enthusiasm somewhere between getting hit in the balls with a hammer and playing football with the Chargers.

The time came for the formidable brain trust of Nakomis, Diane and Karen decide who they should put up in case Adria uses the veto on herself or Natalie. The possibilities were Marvin, Drew, or Michael. Although I believe a little more each week in the theory stating Diane is only interested in Drew for her own good, she wasn't comfortable with putting him up. Marvin is always in the discussion, and Nakomis had promised Michael she would never nominate him, and we know how much Nakomis likes promises. She was in a tough position. If Natalie manages to get people to vote off the decoy, Nakomis is going to have two strong players gunning for her and her alliance next week. As it is, her only assurance of safety is if Karen wins HoH; we have all seen that Diane isn't to be trusted with tough decisions when she in power. If Adria and Natalie were in the house and won HoH, Nakomis and Karen are in for a lot of trouble.

Adria, of course, decided to use her veto. Thankfully the producers limited her and Natalie's speeches with some good editing. After it was all done, Nakomis showed how she is true to her word and nominated her brother Michael to go on the block, saying "he would be the safest one up there". I guess a pinky swear is much more binding than a simple verbal agreement. I still think Natalie is the favorite for leaving the house. The drama in the sequester house would be great, although I am not sure how Will is going to change his Karma analogy since Adria was supposed to get the Karma boomerang. Perhaps he will use some discus or javelin comparison, but who knows. At least Adria winning the veto gave the twins the (slim)hope that they can both stay in the game. I think they could get Drew easily because I believe he gets more wary of Diane by the minute, although I don't know if I can take many more of his "my head is going to explode" moments this year. Marvin is another story, but I think he would take a promise of immunity next week. If neither of the twins leaves, it would be one of the most tremendous reversals in the history of Big Brother, and Nakomis would be a dead man (or Dedmon) walking.

Posted by J-Unit at 1:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Tonight - in just about five minutes - MTV will be previewing its upcoming melting pot of pettiness, libido, and shouting that is commonly known as The Real World or "The Depiction of Life That Is Utterly Unreal". This time around, the unlucky host city is Philadelphia - a lovely locale known for its history, cheese steaks, and crack dens. Okay, maybe that's not fair, but I guarantee that in about half a year from now when everyone is thoroughly embarrassed by this cast, the citizens will be embracing its notorious poverty zones instead of its Real World cache.

Amazingly enough, the City of Brotherly Love made a well publicized bid to keep the Real World crew in town after a union conflict almost sent the good people of Bunim/Murray elsewhere. I understand that the show could provide hours of free publicity for the city, but wouldn't you want intellectually curious tourists who are interested in the foundation of this country, not drunken idiots taking pictures of a random apartment? Oh well. I suppose this is a moot point now.

Real World Philly has a daunting task ahead of itself. It must battle the curse of the Cold Weather Season. Has anyone else noticed that recent seasons that have been filmed in frigid locations have generally sucked? Paris? Back to New York? There's really not enough empirical data to back this up, but I would wager to say that cold weather forces the roommates indoors which results either in cabin fever bickering or drunken spats. We also get annoying episodes of people moping around with colds (I'm looking at you, Malorie).

With all that being said, let's take a look at the houseguests. MTV has been touting this season for having two gay men on the cast. Expecting lots of homoerotic activity? Not so fast. Only one of them is out. The other is in the process of coming out. Who will it be? MTV won't tell us. Tricky tricky. This is what happens when Bunim/Murray gets inspired by Playing It Straight. Also notable this season is how many people are entering the house with pre-existing relationships - aka soon-to-be-destroyed relationships. If my enthusiasm is less than palpable, that's because I cannot stand all those stupid episodes revolving around sitting on the phone, listening to an angry "soul mate", and rubbing temples in frustration. It's clear that we'll be having many of those scenes, so this season, I'll be starting up a tally. Presently, we're at 0.

Now, for the roommates (I'll post odds for who's the closeted gay guy after I actually watch the preview special).

Karamo: Apparently the producers sat down and watched Jacquese on last season's Real World and realized they had been presenting this craaazy notion that black people could be normal and funny and chill without being militant and angry and thugs. Luckily, they rectified this problem by casting Karamo whose main struggle in life is dealing with all his "strong anti-white prejudices". Fantastic. I'm sure MTV will portray what is actually a very serious issue with all the proper thoughtfulness that it deserves.

Landon: MTV calls Landon a sports fanatic because of his involvement in tennis, wakeboarding, and waterskiing. Classic jock sports. I like ping pong. Does that make me a sports fanatic too? Okay, tennis is legit and Landon also was a wrestling star. I won't bash him too much about these sports because apparently he is "sensitive about being labeled a 'dumb jock'". With any luck though I'll be able to label him a "dumb person" if he plays his cards right on the show. The good news is that Landon just broke up with his girlfriend of seven years (low probability for Hometown Honey scenes!). The bad news is that he craves female attention and wants a new relationship, which probably means he'll hook up with a girl (or boy perhaps??) in the house and there will be the usual tedious drama. Thanks, Landon.

Melanie: Hailing from UC Santa Cruz, Melanie will either supply the house with hemp and patchouli or stories about Fraternity Life 2. Her longtime "companionship" with her friend Andy has evolved into a relationship, which fascinates me about as much as the piece of lint I just discovered in my belly button. I don't like that this "Andy" character is already popping up in the MTV bios. I think we already know that he'll be visiting at least once and surely popping up every other episode on the phone with one of those annoying Bunim/Murray arrows. Further concerning me is Melanie's admitted penchant for partying and following her heart. She should have just written "getting drunk and hooking up with a random guy at the club." Unfortunately, this might mean teary apologies that Bunim/Murray thinks we actually care about. We don't.

MJ: No, not Michael Jackson (and not that girl from North Shore either). MJ is a recent alum from Vanderbildt University whose life ambitions were to play for the NFL. Those dreams came to a screetching halt when the NFL decided its dream was to draft Eli Manning - and a few hundred other guys - instead. Nursing his wounds, MJ enters the Real World house with a burdgeoning two-month relationship (with a man??). This means that we'll be getting a lot of "Are we together or aren't we?" and "What are we?" and "But we're not serious. I'm allowed to kiss other women [or men??]". Again, lots of phone call scenes and urgently sad music.

Sarah: This is going to be interesting. Sarah's the sort of hot girl who thinks she's a lot hotter than she probably is. She'll probably hook up a few times and boast about using her sex appeal, but ultimately she'll be frustrated when guys aren't as attracted to her as she'd like. Of course this will channel itself into jealousy towards the other girls and petty hatred towards the guy who will reject her after she sloppily hits on him when drunk. Please refer to Brynn from Real World Las Vegas.

Shavonda: Positioning herself for hottest girl in the house is Shavonda, a former Homecoming Queen and jock lover. Beauty comes at a price for us though since Shavonda brings a full set of baggage to the house, including a boyfriend from home (STOP doing this people!), and a turbulent childhood. Jury's still out, by the way, as to who will be the one-upper of the cast. Nevertheless, Shavonda likes jocks. I would introduce her to Landon, but he HATES being called a jock (and he might like men??). Unfortunately, our fine lass also enjoys being pursued, which has me fearing some sort of multi-episode arc of mind games and endless flirtation, à la Cameran and Brad or Irulan and Alton. Sounds like it's time for blue balls - and bored viewers.

Willie: Snap! That's the sound I imagine Willie will be making many times this season as the resident openly gay roommate. Normally I wouldn't assign such a stereotypical attribute to the dude, but it's been a while since MTV has had a flamingly gay roommate, and now that Amish in the City has Reese, I think Bunim/Murray might be a little jealous. Still don't believe me? Willie's bio says he loves musical theater and he's not afraid (READ: loves) being confrontational, and he's often stubborn. Apparently it's "his way or the highway". Literally - he said that. Apparently the interviewer cut him off before he could say "Talk to the hand!" In other news, Willie used to be a regular on "Ghostwriter". I'm sure PBS is quietly double pumping Masterpiece Theater to erase the stink of an MTV connection as we speak.

Now, there's a strong chance - nay, an almost definite chance that I'm completely wrong on all these people. I base my opinions on no facts. But if any or all of my predictions come true, I will have to gloat for a little bit. So be prepared...

Update

Well, a half hour has passed, and I've now watched the preview special. Here's what I've learned in no particular order.

• Steven fell asleep in a tanning bed somewhere in Los Angeles. He was tantastic.


• Mike has joined some new version of Heaven's Gate. How else to explain the change from his uneven lesbian haircut to his uneven cult haircut?


• Eric Nies is way too old to be showing up on these things.


• Trishelle doesn't like looking at ugly people on TV. Clearly, she prefers to merely have sex with them instead (let's not forget her lame attempt to bed Vanilla Ice on the Surreal Life).


• New cast member Sarah looks better than her photos, but while she tries to look like Mariah Carey, she's still just Sarah, the slutty girl on MTV whose lack of paternal approval has clearly sent her in a self-esteem nose dive.


• MJ's hair is one part Johnny Fairplay, one part Brandon from Amazing Race, and one part old Greek bust.


• Landon might be Matthew Lillard's short, stumpy twin.


• Shavanda - not nearly as hot as her MTV photos (so please disregard my comment about her being the hottest in the house). She seems to be the lovechild of Coral and Irulan. I don't know if that's a good thing.


• Cameran continues to hone her gift for race relations when she describes Karamo as the "chocolate in my milk!" This is good because as we know from last season, she lived with a black person and she thinks they're cool as hell. Somebody get her an Image Award!


• Willie surprisingly quotes Jim Carrey when hitting on other guys: "I like you. I like you a lot". It's funnier if you hear him. Oh never mind...

Speaking of Willie, it seems a bit difficult to judge who's the closeted guy. Karamo seems ready to jump Shavanda, so his odds are around 20-1. MJ has his debutante back home, and while she might be a beard, it doesn't seem likely. On the other hand, he did admit to having an uncanny gaydar, but as Dan pointed out, sniffing out Willie's homosexuality isn't exactly the hardest thing in the world. MJ's odds are 5-1. I guess that leaves Landon, the wacky meat head. His voice is a little effeminate, I guess, and he sounds like he's working through some issues in his drunken stupor. What the hell. Let's give him 3-1 odds. Perhaps one of our gay readers would like to weigh in on this subject.

What do you think about the cast?

Posted by B-Side at 5:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

If there ever was a need to study dumb girl logic, tonight's episode of Road Rules X-Treme should be preserved. Bunim/Murray managed to capture all the explanations and rationalizations a girl can come up with to mask her transparent jealousy of another female peer. In this case, Angela - whose neck is still being held hostage by a big, blue flower - detailed every silly, petty flaw she could find in Jillian and used it to build a feeble case for the newbie's character assassination. At first I thought Angela was right - after all, she did say she was mature and everything; so therefore I just assumed that her observations would be well stated and free of middle school playground influences. But then I came to realize that when Angela said she was mature, she meant immature, which made a lot more sense because there was no way any rational, thoughtful, or introspective adult would ever make the comments she was making.

It only took about three seconds into the episode before Angela began babbling about Jillian and how awful she was. In a typical display of catty jealousy, Angela rattled off a laundry list of bad Jillian qualities which ranged from the petty (her voice) to the amazingly petty (the way her hair moves when she talks). I was surprised she did say something like "You know the way Jillian breathes? In and out? It's so obvious she thinks that air is all hers. She's such a stupid bitch."

At a fancy restaurant, Angela continued to pour her boring heart out to a patient Nick who did his best to teach his dinner mate about the tenets of Empathy, a weird fringe religion often practiced by kooky "selfless" people. Freaks. It turns out that Angela would rather bitch and moan about Jillian than ever take the time to get to know her. That would therefore explain Angela's shallow description of her arch nemesis: "A sexual, dumb girl. I can't do the voice, thank God." Bad news Angela. You do the voice all too well.

Just when we thought the episode was going to move towards something - ANYTHING - else, Angela continued to blab about Jillian. She accused Jillian of using her sexuality as a form of communication (if that were the case, she certainly passed Public Speaking with flying colors). Using this logic, Angela deduced that the awkward pauses between the two were because Jillian's use of sexual cues had no effect on Angela. I guess that's it. I was thinking there were lingering silences because Angela's a raging bitch.

Well, when someone new grabs the spotlight, there's only one thing that an attention-seeking downer can do: threaten to leave. Angela went into this week's competition wanting to fail so she could be sent home. Wait, did I say "so she could be sent home"? I meant "so she could be told by the whole team how wonderful and essential she is". Paying homage to grumpy kindergartners across the country, Angela put on a pouty face and did a little "If you don't pay attention to me, I'm gonna run away!" She probably should have executed that plan before tonight's loathsome challenge, which involved collecting a cup of sweat from the team's bodies. And to answer your question, yes, it was disgusting to watch.

The good part about this mission - other than it reuniting us with the lovely mission mayors - was that no blindfold or bunjee chord was present. The bad part was that it was vile. Watching Jodi scraping beads of perspiration off of Derrick was wholly unnecessary. Kudos to MTV for raising the bar of televised excellence. Angela moped around like the supermodel she'll never be while Jillian and Patrick got busy doing some sort of piggy back dance that reminded me of Master Blaster from Mad Max. Speaking of which, I think we'd all enjoy a little Angela/Jillian Thunderdome action - except instead of "Two men enter, one man leaves", I'd fear that we'd get "Two catty princesses enter, two even cattier princesses leave".

Well, the roommates easily nabbed their X-Treme Key when Patrick sweated off more murky liquid than I'd ever care to see again. Unfortunately, victory was not enough to pep up Angela who was still hellbent on going home. In no time she was complaining: "I have my own life, and I have my own house, my own car, my own job, my own career goals". And you're on a lame MTV reality show why? Oh that's right. You're insatiable need for constant attention. As long as Angela shows up on Road Rules and the ensuing Challenges, I will never believe that she has career goals because no employer in their right mind would hire a Bunim/Murray alum unless the job in question had something to do with The Saddle Ranch bar on the Sunset Strip.

Per Angela's wishes though, I must return to my discussion of Angela. After trying to fool us into thinking she was a big girl with big responsibilities, Angela did the most mature thing of the evening, she cried in a corner. Jodi, who decided she needed to contribute a word or two to the episode, popped up to lend a shoulder for Angela, but she was quickly rejected. I shouldn't make fun of Angela. I think we've all cried to get attention and then acted as if we didn't want it as soon as someone came over to comfort us. Yeah, we've all done that... when we were six.

Just about the only thing Angela did say that made any sense was when she commented "I'm not growing", which was true. Granted, she thought she wasn't growing because the people around her weren't intellectually stimulating. We knew she wasn't growing because she's a massive idiot. But I'm just saying...

Finally, Derrick cornered Angela in some sort of infirmary (I don't know why they were there either) and told her to shut up and get over herself. For once I wanted his bad boy fury to come out, but instead we got a sappy pep talk that included him lifting her chin with his hand and saying "Keep your head up." Angela replied that she was unnerved that Jillian could just walk into the group and take over - an observation that really made no sense, except in the heads of territorial hyenas like Angie. Derrick was finally able to get through to her though when he told her that Jillian had once said "Cute shirt" to Angela, who had replied with... nothing. Angela first rejected the story, saying that she probably zoned out the compliment because she didn't want Jillian's attention. But who are we kidding? Attention is Angela's lifeblood, and once she saw that Jillian was willing to throw some her way, her whole perception of her changed.

"She's actually not that bad" chirped Angela later. With happy music playing and the two girls bonding over stories about their dads, it looked like Angela and Jillian would be burrying the hatchet once and for all. Of course, that was until Angela realized that Jillian was much hotter than her in pictures. Only one thing to do then. Take her down a peg for no reason whatsoever. "Maybe you're not photogenic" suggested Angela in a passive aggressive remark meant to strike Jillian in the heart of her Jewfro. Two men enter, one man leaves...

Posted by B-Side at 1:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Writing for a TV blog and living in Los Angeles can be a tricky job. There's this annoying problem of me writing sniveling little comments about people and then stepping out my door and running into them in real life. What's worse is that these reality stars and actors - much to my increasing guilt - turn out to be nice people sometimes. So imagine my utter dismay to realize that after two months of snarky, bitter, and ruthless mockery, I have to eat my words and begrudgingly admit that Jase is a nice guy. Okay, I can't do it. I physically can't do it. He's a douchebag! No, he's a nice guy! No, he's a douchebag! No, he's a nice guy! Snarky... cred... dying....

Normally, I would never devote a whole post to the simple act of meeting and interacting with a celebrity, not even a reality star (Granted, I am a flagrant name dropper in real life, but that's neither here nor there). The goal of this site isn't for us to be gossipy little jerks who narc out any celebrity that passes by us, but for Jase, we can make an exception. The guy has been the butt of TVgasm's jokes for the past two months; so any friendly meeting must be regarded like the blogger version of Oprah showing up on Letterman. If that analogy seems a bit over the top, well, fine. You're right.

In case you can't tell, I'm stalling because there's no real story here. J-Unit and I ran into Jase and lovebird Holly at our local watering hole, Cabo Cantina. Since our party happened to be leaving, we gave the two our table in a pathetic display of good will. All of you who are shaking your heads at our complete inability to maintain our snarkiness in real life, I don't disagree with you. We have no spine. Apparently neither does Jase because he dropped his whole asshole thing that we've come to hate as well. The guy was friendly enough - as friendly as you can expect someone to be in a cramped, loud, alcoholic setting. He said he had seen the notorious TVgasm video of him and Scott, and he thought it was "Hilarious". Jase also added that he was acting the entire time in the Big Brother house. Jury's still out on that front. The good news was that the bandana was gone. The bad news: sleeveless still reigns supreme.

After having survived my first Jase encounter with nary a fist being thrown in my face, I find myself directionless in life. The world seems to be in a state of topsy turvy. Everything that I had known and believed in seems to no longer exist. What is this existential despair that I've wandered into?

Eh, who cares. New episode of Big Brother tomorrow.

Update
I was played like a fiddle. Jase still is and remains a douchebag. Consider my contempt for him restored.

Posted by B-Side at 4:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

It's been awhile since we posted here about Amish in the City, but let me assure you that we have not given up on this show. TVgasm is fully behind the happenings of the Rumspringa Crew vs. spoiled city kids. And although UPN has had some trouble keeping some of the episodes moving, there has been plenty of bitching, whining, and crying to last a long time. If you are just joining us, there are a few things you should know about the show. As you might expect, most of the city kids are spoiled and aren't that open-minded. Fortunately, the Amish are so caught up learning about the existence of such exotic things as parking meters that they don't really seem to care. Oh yeah, and don't forget all of that hot, young, Amish ass.

I won't try and recap all of the episodes that you folks have missed. I will be honest, the episodes have been up and down. I think the producers underestimated how myopic and vapid their group of city folk would be. The Amish kids have been interesting and for the most part willing to at least try ang get along with their city-kids bretheren. The City Kids, on the other hand, are about as closed-minded as you can be, and generally act as if they could care less that the Amish kids were around. Other than Kevan, who we will talk about later, the City kids act as if they were on some reality show entitled "People of Young LA Live in a House and Commence With Their Mostly UnInterested Lives". I can understand that the producers likely picked Reese, Meagan, Kevan, Whitney, Ariel, and Nick because they thought there would be lots of conflict. We all know that conflict resolution is what makes for compelling TV, so we can deal. Yet, there is something out there that makes me believe that it wouldn't have been so hard to find kids who actually may have at least a passing interest in mingling with people who have never seen an Escalade.

And while we plan to proceed with episode specific coverage in the near future, I'll start this week by doing a little blow-by-blow account of each member of this dysfunctional family.

	Ruth does not complain much, her only problem seems to be that she has no idea how to win an argument. She raises her hands and moves them back and forth. But Kevan tought her how to swim, and she seems to enjoy herself. Odds of leaving the Amish: 100-1.
	Miriam has a voice like she has smoked more cigarrettes than Reese. The highlight of the season for her so far has been her birthday, when her best friend visited her on a little hiatus from her own hiatus, if that makes any sense. Miriam seems to love clothes and makeup and dancing. She could be a poster-child for the effects of prolonged sun on your face. Only 22, Miriam looks like she is 15 years older. Odds of leaving the Amish: 20-1.
	If an episode is ever lacking for a little comedic quality, putting Randy on screen is sure to get you laughing. Not since Mike Tyson has such a big guy been able to come up with such a weak voice. We learned Randy has impeccable technique when it comes to keeping his ass on top of a big rubber ball. Odds of leaving the Amish: 50-1
	Jonas seems like an understated guy, but you can tell he has ambition as evidenced by his drive towards completing his GED before he leaves and I think I saw him looking at a brochure for Bryman College. Jonas also manages to insert some of the most distubing and frank images into our heads. Not only do we learn that his dead incessantly called him stupid, but that his brother died of drowning. It's also disturbing how he tells us about these things with serial killer calmness. Odds of leaving the Amish: 10-1.
	As we all know, Mose is seriously Amish. He invents non-inventions and has a grasp of pop culture that is worse than the FCC. Mose has been giving us the best sound bites this year and is always one for group activities, like when they removed all of his body hair. Mose, who enjoys hips on a woman capable of at least a dozen childbirths, must hate seeing all of the hooch in LA. And the church service is at least 3 hours to brief on Sunday. Odds of leaving the Amish: 10,000-1.

THE CITY KIDS:

	Whitney, who seemed so excited about seeing the Los Angeles skyline for the first time, has almost no interest in the Amish. She did help Jonas out when he was asking questions about the GED, but would rather lay outside and pretend the Amish don't exist. So much irony was floating around during the show's visit to South Los Angeles, but nobody seemed to catch on.
	Ariel is hot enough that I don't mind seeing her on TV, but she can't get any hotter and she is clearly getting more annoying. Then again, she did save Mose from a watery grave. But then she wants everybody to eat rose petals. She is hooking up with Nick, which means he will probably think he is hot and stick around LA after the show.
	Kevan is the only person that seems to give the Amish a chance. He really is head and shoulders above the rest, but he hasn't been able to withstand Reese's flirting and went on a rant about Reese's chosen lifestyle. Still, I have to give him some points for nixing the possible romance with the very weathered Meagan..
	Hopefully we will get a nice explanatory episode about Meagan, because she gets no face time, although I can't say if that would be to our benefit at all. She is battling Miriam for the most weathered face award for this season. She needs some Age-Defying moisturizer like it's nobody's business.
	Nick, I think you suck. It's not because you apparently think being on a reality show means you should try your sixth grade acting talent. It's not because you are on the verge of getting some no-animal product action in the sack. It's because I am worried you will still live in LA after the show. But since you'll probably stick to the Valley, you do whatever you want.
	Reese surprised us when we learned he volunteers for the handicapped, but he has been able to keep up with every gay stereotype imagineable, right down the makeup and pantyhose. Reese has culture, but that doesn't include any interest whatsoever in anything not involving Hollywood or Sunset boulevards.

TVgasm hopes to bring you take part in our Beano Stick Giveaway, and you should look for a special feature of Mose and Ariel soundbytes from throughout the season.

Posted by J-Unit at 1:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

After last week's not-so-surprising eviction of Will from the Big Brother house, we spent the weekend contemplating what has to be one of the most interesting scenarios in the history of the show. When Will left, he did nothing to show his disdain for Natalie and Adria. Nakomis won HoH meaning the slighted members of the "pinky swear alliance" had a chance to exact their revenge in a fairly swift manner. Although there is no way to get rid of both of them this week, there is a better than average chance that one of them will be history by the time Julie Chen graces our television Thursday.

Nakomis and Karen are surely out to get back and Adria and Natalie. Everybody, and by everybody, I mean Will, Karen, and Nakomis, have tried to convince the world that Adria is the next incarnation of Jase. Now, Jase has created quite the persona for himself on television, and like most reality stars, if you meet them in person, they are completely different. The nice ones are usually still nice, but the assholes are usually really not that bad at all. Still, Jase did deserve what he got in the house because his actions inside were completely obnoxious. So, you can just imagine what the next Jase in the house is going to do after Nakomis wins HoH. That's right; she calmly entered the HoH room and made her case to Nakomis, who asked her why she voted to evict Will. Adria was honest and didn't make any excuses, even from baby Jesus. I imagine Will could have saved himself if he had done a similar thing with Adria the previous week.

After that, the producers had some trouble creating too much conflict. Natalie also went to Nakomis and said she understands that everything is not personal and that she knows it is a tough decision. Now, I am sure that the twins will get more paranoid and pissy as the days go by until the veto competition and eviction ceremony, but they seemed to be dealing with Nakomis being in power without too much fuss. Imagine that.

The most difficult portion of the show, besides having to watch the houseguests cringe at the smell of Marvin's feet, was the food competition. Everybody went outside to find a fancy dinner set up with places for everybody other than Nakomis, the HoH. In year's past, this meant that there would surely be some sort of gross dish hiding underneath their covered food. As a surprise, it ended up being each person's favorite meal, including their favorite drink. If they could finish the food that was on their plate in three minutes, they would win food for their housemates for one day. All were happy until they learned that the food and beverage was going to be placed in a blender and they would have to drink their favorite meal from a glass. Everybody was able to finish their meals except for Marvin, who had a cornucopia of sea food, including a deep fried lobster that simply didn't mix too well in the blender. Easiest was Natalie (or was it Adria) who had only fettuccine alfredo and red wine. The oddest choice was Michael, who apparently didn't grow up in Texas and Oklahoma with a taste for steak, barbecue or any of your other traditional Cowboy delectables. When Michael is on the free range, he pines for Sweet and Sour chicken. If I see him in Hollywood, I'll make sure to mention Kung-Pau Bistro.

As nominations rolled around, the choice was quite obvious. Sitting at their recently emaciated table, Nakomis nominated Adria and Natalie for eviction. This sets up a meeting of Will and one of the twins in the sequester house. For those of you who don't know, from this point on, anybody leaving the house is sequestered and will serve as voters on a jury to decide who wins the money among the final two houseguests. The sequester house has many of the same rules as the regular Big Brother house, as there is no contact from the outside world, etc., but their are plenty of luxuries and they never need to worry about eating PB&J, or at least that is how it was last year. Sequestered guests do get a chance to watch the broadcasts we see on television, although I don't believe they can watch any tapes of previous episodes. Will was pretty upset with the twins, but it would take some real hatred to deny yourself your only human contact because of a grudge.

Now, there is still a chance that Natalie or Adria will win the veto, putting at least a little more drama into the week. (We try and stay away from spoilers on TVgasm and stick with the broadcast shows). With Scott and Jase gone, the twins have been among the strongest contestants in the Veto competitions, and I am sure either of them would take themselves of the block if they win. From the way things were going, it looks like Drew or Marvin would go up should a twin be saved. And if a twin is saved, their is a chance that the other twin leaves. Natalie or Adria most likely have Cowboy and I think they have an at least average chance of pulling in either Drew or Marvin to vote for them, assuming one of them wins veto and Nakomis puts up Drew or Marvin.

For me, the biggest development this week was the emergence of Diane as the true threat in the house and also the person who is most willing to lie to get what she wants. Diane has Nakomis and Karen completely in the dark about her discussion with Adria before Will's nomination, and she can probably reel in Drew because anybody attaching themselves to a twin is going to be a target. Diane has been above average on the challenges as well. Her problem, of course, is that she isn't great in the power position, but she makes up for that weakness by being able to hide her true intentions from other people. Another dangerous player is Karen, who tells people one thing to their face, but has no trouble trashing them behind their back. She is now the "under the radar" contestant since Will is gone. She has done well in that role, but doesn't have an ounce of Will's brain to pull off any strategy from behind the scenes.

The HoH competitions are going to be more and more intense. Although Nakomis, Diane and Karen look like they are in a good position, I believe that if Karen or Nakomis are evicted, Diane will once again shift her alliance and make the house an even bigger free for all. I really want to see what would happen if Marvin or Michael win this week.

And thanks to all of the people who voted for Michael for America's Choice. With any luck, we will see him making funny faces in Television City in the near future.

Posted by J-Unit at 9:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

For a lot of Big Brother fans out there, Jase's eviction signaled a turning point in the show. Without the main antagonist, the viewers at home would likely be subjected to several weeks of the boring house guests talking politely amongst themselves and going about in a generally civilized manner. Luckily for us, CBS fills the Big Brother house with humans, so we are always assured of all the bitching, double-crossing, paranoia and backstabbing that you can fit in just sixty minutes. And that's just the way we like it.

For all of you out there that tune in to watch Julie Chen, I know there must have been a little bit of disappointment when you saw what she was wearing today. The Chenbot has had some great outfits this year, and she hasn't been afraid to show the world everything she's got. This week, Julie was ready for the dinner party in a black pantsuit. Positives: both of the shoulders made an appearance. Negatives: those black pants negate any possible camel toe effect for the evening. Knowing that there would be a live eviction to go along with the HoH competition Julie has to emcee, I knew there would be plenty of wonderfully plastic ad-libs to enjoy for the rest of the evening.

Before we got to the live eviction, we got a chance to meet Will's friends. Will, who we have been told comes from Tupelo, Mississippi, actually lives in New York. Since the producers have already used the "simple but charming southern family" background segment this year on Marvin last week, we met Will's friends from New York. Pretty standard stuff, until you got to the part where CBS tries to convince us that Will's friends watch Big Brother ever week with their plate of brie and fruit in front of the television. I guess it is to show that sophisticated folks watch trashy reality as well. Are you shitting me? Clearly anybody in New York that trendy who watches TV would have a Tivo. Try harder CBS.

I love live evictions. Not only does it add an little bit extra drama to all of the proceedings, but I love the brief "tale of the tape" we get from Julie Chen just before each of the housemates is sent off to give their vote. The producers must have been very pleased since the eligible voters left the score three votes for Marvin and three votes for Will, therefore forcing Adria to make the choice for eviction herself. The results were not a huge surprise(the only mild shocker was that Drew and Diane did not vote for the same person), after all Adria boasted earlier in the week she was prepared to make the decision and let everybody know she was not scared. Adria was clearly not ready to make the vote and stumbled through her lines on the way to casting the final vote to evict Will.

After that, things went crazy. I have to say that I always like direct conflict in the house, and Will openly showed his disdain for Natalie and Adria by refusing to hug them goodbye. Slam! Scott left surprisingly graciously, Jase left expectedly over the top, and Will proceeded with in one of the most immature displays we have seen in a while. His comment at the end to Adria "If Karma is a boomerang, I will see you soon" was a little rehearsed, and if he was so pissed off, you would think he wouldn't have put off his exit to deliver the line to Adria again. What was so immature about Will? First of all, I can't stand it when people leave the house and start blaming everybody else. Will was talking about broken promises and was almost in tears talking about how what Adria and Natalie did wasn't fair. FAIR?! Come on! There is a reason why there are no referees in the house, the game is not made to be played fair. That doesn't necessarily mean that you are forced to play dirty, but if you are dirty the right way, it's not going to hurt you. Will had a chance to campaign to get himself extra votes to stay in, something he could have done without kissing kowtowing to Adria. What's worse, none of his teammates campaigned either. Natalie and Adria quickly reigned in Michael, a strategy Will's crew seemed to have an advantage with, considering Nakomis is his sister. They failed to do that, and Adria voted. Knowing that there was a good chance of Adria casting the final vote, of course Will, Nakomis, and Karen decided to do nothing about keeping Will in the house. Sure Will had to feel betrayed after nominations, and I feel bad because he had some of the most thoughtful observations on the house. In the end, it was his lack of end game that got him thrown out, not the evil plot of Adria. Her plan was imploding upon itself, and Will and his team managed to make it effective. Then they started to complain. Sorry, no sympathy from me.

Will left the house and faked his happiness with Julie. They had a nice little gay dude and fag hag banter going. During the goodbye messages, Will started crying, but refused to look at Natalie's message and in case we weren't too sure how he was feeling he made the "talk to the hand gesture" at the monitor. Very effective dumbass. Maybe if you calm down you would realize that you hugged two people that voted you off in the house and Diane, who you think is your friend, actually first suggested breaking up your little clique. Off to the sequester house with you.

A lot of us were hoping that Will would win because there would be a chance he would be HoH and the revenge factor would have been off the charts. Luckily, perhaps the next best thing happened as Nakomis won the HoH, leaving the twins sort of speechless and the other houseguests fairly happy. I think the twins were wondering how it would be if they had to live with Will in the house for a week alone. I wonder if Will would stop glowing about the Karma to let himself be truly miserable with a twin around. Time will tell, but Nakomis is almost assured to Nominate Adria and Natalie. As I said before it is going to be tough for them to advance. Unfortunately, there is no possibility of a six-finger plan, because one of the twins is going to stick around. I was particularly happy to see Marvin stick around, and I think he commands a decent power position in the house. He is fairly safe this week with the other side blinded by their hate of Natalie and Adria. If he can survive another week or two and get HoH, he is in prime position to do some dealing and make himself last a little longer. I am confident that whatever plan he concocts will go down much better than the we have seen from Adria or Diane.

I have to leave with one small request, and it has nothing with sharks or the laser beams attached to their heads. America's Choice this week asks us to pick a cast member to appear on an episode of "The Young and the Restless" in a couple of weeks. The TVgasm employees rarely agree on much, but I agree with madeyoulaugh. Read his letter and I know you will agree, you must vote Michael Dedmon into the soap opera. If for nothing else than I am sure that Drew or Diane are going to be expecting it and it would be great to see the look on their faces when it is cowboy.

Posted by J-Unit at 11:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

Unless my counting is wrong, and it very well may be, today is the 100 Day Anniversary of TVgasm!

That's really all I had to say.

Thanks for reading...

Posted by B-Side at 6:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

My open letter to the world

Dear World,

Beginning tonight and for the next few days, CBS will be taking votes for the first AMERICA'S CHOICE competition. The winner of which will make an appearance on THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS later in the month.

Sure there are some obvious choices. Diane and Karen both have shared a lesbian kiss, they would be very soap-ish. Perhaps, Drew with his boyish good looks would be a clear winner to appear on a soap. Maybe even Marvin or Will, as a treat for all they had to put up with this week.

All good choices, true. But, I implore you. If ever you like to laugh. If ever you have thought, "Hmm, what would be fucking hysterical to see on television." If ever you wanted to really be a part of something great, then I implore you...

Vote for Michael "Cowboy" Dedmon.

Imagine the wonderful, beautiful magical world of the soap opera; soft lenses, blurry flowers, bad piano music, and this guy...I mean look at his freakin photo, For those of you not watching the show, imagine how you think this guy might sound...go ahead take a look at his photo and imagine for just a moment....Yep that's it exactly.

It is brilliant! Just brilliant and would make for a wonderful moment in TV history. Vote as many times as they will let you and encourage your friends to vote. If you don’t do it for me, then please do it for these guys.

Thanks for your time,

Madeyoulaugh

Vote Now!

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 3:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

WIN YOUR VERY OWN BEANO STICK IN TVGASM's 1st GIVEAWAY!

Oh happy day! I finally have my very own Beano Stick!! After hunting down what I believe to be the greatest find in my life. I have decided to share the Beano Stick secrets with you.

The Beano stick, it turns out, is an age-old folk toy known as a gee-haw whimmy diddle. (It's also called a hooey stick, whammy doodle or voodoo stick.) The "whimmy" is the notched stick with the propeller, the "diddle" is the rubbing stick, and "gee" and "haw" are commands for "right" and "left," used to guide plow-pulling horses.

Ok, so Mose didn't invent it. But what should you do if you want a Beano Stick of your very own and dont want to wait for shipping?!

Find out how to make your own Beano Stick after the jump.

Here's a whimmy diddle in action. Figure A

Ok, I think I officially watch too much TV. Not because I can't ever have enough time on my RePlay to record all the shows I want, not because I have cancelled dates with women (who were way too hot for me to begin with) to watch TV, and not cause I can't stop saying BEANO in public. Rather, I am beginning to mix up my celebrities, reality stars, and public figures.

For example, what if Amish In The City's Ruth was an attention whoring slut?

Why then she'd be a dead ringer for Real World Las Vegas' Trishelle.

I dont worry about offending Ruth or Trishelle with this, since the Amish wont have access to the internet to read it, and Trishelle simply can't read.

More of my TV double-takes after the jump.

On the left, Multi-Millionaire Tom Poster.
On the right Multi-Dollaraire Jerry Mathers.

Smallvilles Sassy Chloe & Ellen Degenerous.

UPDATE

I keep getting no talent having Jase, confused with no talent having Ryan.

Seacrest OUT!

The Restaraunts Rocco Dispiritos future could be Liza Minellis EX David Gest

As if telling Adria and Natalie apart isn't hard enough, they have ALSO a twin brother...
Corky from TV's Life Goes On.

Ok, take Terminator's Linda Hamilton. Shrink her. Give her an attitude, a dash spanglish accent and just a pinch of arthritis..who do you wind up with??
Freakin' Charla!

And Finally...

American Idol's Sexy Ryan Starr, Dark Crystal's Puppet Jen and Road Rules Rapee Angela.

If you have noticed any TV double-takes that you think should be included in a future edition of TVGASMs' Reality Double-Take email them to madeyoulaugh@tvgasm.com

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 11:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Jase may have left the house, but his essence sure didn't. According to Nakomis in her interview with Julie Chen, Jase peed on lots of stuff, which would therefore explain the generally pissy mood people were in on last night's episode of Big Brother. This wasn't a surprise, of course. Will, Karen, and Nakomis have made an Olympic sport out of huddling in a corner and rolling their eyes. Adria and Natalie became Public Enemy number one, especially in Marvin's book, and just about the only people to emerge from this bitchfest unscathed were Diane, Drew, and Cowboy, who all seemed to be blissfully adrift with concerns of love, body hair, or freak dancing.

For Adria's sake, she was stuck in the unenviable position of having to cast the first stone against the anti-Jase tribe, a weak union of little alliances whose cohesiveness has faded with its raison d'être. Strategically, it was smart to smoke out the Karen/Will/Nakomis trio, but unfortunately Adria forgot to put on her kid gloves while doing it. The threesome were incensed not only that Adria nominated Will, but the way she had done it also. Oh, the way! The way! How insensitive! Karen spent the entire episode bemoaning the lack of communication, although I wonder if she communicated to Adria that she wasn't part of the Cloud Room Cohorts.

I suppose I shouldn't be too shocked (actually, I wasn't shocked at all). After six weeks of testosterone-fueled machismo television, it was inevitable that Big Brother would flip a bitch and make female cattiness and passive aggression its cornerstone. Instead of Scott scratching his balls, we now have quips and empty phrases such as "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed" or "It's not the nomination, it's the way she nominated". When Adria asked Will if he wanted something to eat, he responded tersely "Suddenly, I've lost my appetite." Meow! Actually, Will got bonus points for apologizing for his passive-aggression, a reality rarity.

Adria should have paid a little more attention to the reigning post-Horsemen sensitivity in the house by being honest, or at least pseudo-honest. When Will asked her why the hell she had put him up, she babbled on about how his name came up in her prayers and he's just a pawn and everyone loves him and, oh yeah, someone in your alliance backstabbed you and told me to put you up. Will didn't believe it and called an emergency meeting with his gals. First order of business: angry glances, crossed arms, and general Adria bashing.

Of course, Diane added some guilty gulping to the situation - for those of you not keeping track at home, it was Diane who had targeted Will with Adria. The notion that she might be a turncoat didn't even cross the minds of the alliance which apparently thought it could have a friendly six person tie at the finish line.

When Diane wasn't pretending to be BFF with Will, Karen, and Nakomis, she was spending time cuddling and smooching with Drew. CBS provided us with an endless montage of the two sneaking stolen kisses and possible handjobs. Diane blabbed about how some psychic told her she'd meet the man of her dreams, and he'd have dark hair, dark eyes, and olive skin. Apparently the psychic also said the guy would have two arms, two legs, a penis, and the general physical makeup of a human. It's destiny!

I wonder if the psychic said anything about the guy having OCD? Drew apparently has a major beef with all forms of body hair, causing him to shave constantly. This, of course, is a thrill for Will and a source of amazement for Diane, who during one curious snuggle session said "I can't believe you shave... everything." The position of the two and the subtle movement under the covers suggested Diane might have been examining all unshaved regions of Drew Land.

The two were considerably more tame during the movie viewing that they had won with third wheel Will. The three competed against two other teams for the chance to have a private viewing of Paramount's latest shit-on-a-stick, "Without A Paddle", a movie that might actually challenge the term "luxury competition". Note to Viacom: When a movie has to be forced on a captive audience in order to generate some sort of word of mouth, that's a bad sign. Big Brother had the house guests engage in a fierce carpeting battle - not the most traditional competition in the world. Diane explained that her approach was to fit pieces of the carpet together based on their shape, a breakthrough in the world of Puzzle Strategy. Apparently she was the only one who adopted this method since the other teams scrambled hopelessly through their carpet tangrams with the scatterbrained excitement of Jase in a bandana factory.

Of course, the main competition of the evening was the Veto Challenge, which this week was decked out in Christmas cheer. The rules were a bit convoluted, but suffice it to say, it revolved around the White Elephant game (take a present or steal someone else's). At the end of the day, Adria snatched the Golden Power of Veto and spent the rest of the show baiting Will and Marvin to rally for it. Marvin, extremely grumpy this week (and he's not even on PB&J), refused to pander to Adria, saying that he had his integrity to uphold. Well, actually no, that's not true Marvin. Let me remind you that you are in fact on Big Brother, a show not known for breeding Presidential candidates.

Anyway, Marvin bitched and moaned, playing the "Why me?" card. At some points he casually mentioned that Adria nominated the only two minorities in the house, and other times he acted like a defenseless outcast, bemoaning that he has no allies or friends. I half expected him to break out in vintage David Lee Roth by singing "Iiii aint got nobody." That's "Gigalo", for all you confused bastards out there. Of course, even in the middle of Marvin's pity party, he still managed to be funny as he asked Adria if Baby Jesus told her to nominate him. She actually said yes. CBS has really got to stop with this corporate synergy. First a Paramount movie, then a Joan of Arcadia tie-in? What's next? A special trip to the set of the Young and the Restless? Oh wait, yeah, that's the next luxury competition.

Nevertheless, Adria was annoyed that neither Marvin nor Will would kiss her ass for the veto - a move that might have been sort of, completely wise. Something cracked in her twin mental armor and Adria paraded around the house, daring the houseguests to force the eviction to a tie so she could vote out a player. It was a fantastic move, that is if her goal was to make the target on her back even larger. Adria has to chill out and start her sentences with "I feel like you feel like" more. That's the only way to communicate in this house of nutsos.

What do you think? Is Adria handling this all wrong? Who will go?

Posted by B-Side at 2:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)

CBS took another major blow this week. No, Rob Lowe did not back out of his oh-so-snappy Dr. Vegas commitment - although that would be appreciated ("What goes on in Vegas really does stay in Vegas" - WE GET IT). CBS suffered the loss of not one but two of its reality stars this week. First slithery Jase exited Big Brother, and then tonight beloved (and reviled) cousins Charla and Mirna got the boot on another exceptional episode of The Amazing Race 5. I must admit that despite the gals' abrasive nature and manipulative ways, I enjoyed their tenure on the race. Granted, they're no Bowling Moms, but at least they had spunk. Obnoxious, fake-accented spunk.

I suppose we knew things would be tough for the cousins when opening the leg's first clue proved to be more challenging than any Detour. After clawing the paper apart, Charla and Mirna proceeded to the airport where they engaged in a Battle Royale with their rivals, Colin and Christie. Round One occurred at the terminal entrance where Christie obstinately blocked the doorway to keep the pesky cousins away. Ah hah! Now no one will be able to enter the airport! The formidable stature and massive girth of Christie shall keep all seekers at the threshold! Except, of course, Charla who effortlessly slipped under Christie's arm and scampered towards the ticket counter. Okay, well, maybe Christie's plan wasn't entirely Little People proof, but that's alright. Had she stood there any longer, the authorities probably would have thought she was a terrorist - a very pretty, submissive terrorist.

In the terminal, during the usual ticket-buying melee, teams split into two groups: the Colin fans and the Mirna fans - which really only consisted of the Bowling Moms. While Colin's crew wasted time booking roundabout flights to Kenya, Mirna et al. snuck into Gulf Air's offices and found an earlier flight to Nairobi. Of course, this purchasing called for Mirna and Charla's expert language skills. Once again, they trilled their R's as if that would somehow make the Egyptian travel agent more fluent in English. "We found flight to Nairrrrobi. We arrrive at six thirty" said Mirna as if she had just enrolled in English as a Second Language class. The oddest part though was that she was talking to the camera, not the agent. We understand you just fine, Mirna. Or should I say, "We... underrrrstand... you. Belissimo!"

As the cousins booked their tickets, they tried their best to hide out from the Colin gang. Amazingly, they were found. Maybe next time they should make sure the camera crew isn't ambling around outside the airline office. Mirna for once broke into a real life second language and told the agent not to sell tickets to Colin and the rest of his posse. As if that would work. I can just imagine the agent facing Colin, Christie, Chip, Kim, Kami, Karli, Brandon and Nicole and saying "I know you people want to make last minute purchases that would bring thousands of dollars into the airline, but the little woman and her keeper forbade me. I fear their wrath!"

Of course everyone wound up on the same flight, and eventually, after some layover craziness, all teams reached Kenya where they hopped on terrifying puddle jumpers and zipped over to Kilimanjaro. Upon spying a rainbow, Nicole commented that “it was a sign of God’s promise.” Similarly, Brandon’s hair is a sign of God’s cruel humor.

Upon landing in the hardcore Third World, local bus drivers extorted hundreds of dollars out of the dating/models as well as the increasingly shrill duo of Kami and Karli. To make matters worse, their bus broke down, causing Brandon and Nicole to rely on their standard religious tools: turning water into whine. The two moped and whined, not even bothering with plaintive calls of “Baby…”

The various busloads of people made it to their destination town where they all opted to deliver chairs to households as part of the Detour. The twins, in their silly move of the week, grabbed the large cart and pushed it through the mud, even though it was clearly designed for pulling. I guess we just have to accept that logic will never be a reality for these two.

The teams were fairly scattered throughout the Detour, but another food Roadblock served as the great equalizer. One team member had to chow down on an ostrich egg, which is about the equivalent of twenty four – yes, twenty four – regular chicken eggs. Christie, who suffered through caviar hell a few episodes ago, exacted sweet revenge on Colin by forcing him to down the offensive ostrich “abortion” as Ariel from Amish In The City would call it. Of course, half the challenge for Colin wasn’t just eating the damn egg but not spilling it everywhere in the process. This guy must have gone through three or four eggs before he found one he was able to not splash on the ground. At various times, I thought he was going to pull out a knife and shiv the old guy running the challenge. Luckily, Colin managed to bottle up his rage and save it for a later date when it might be more useful to him, you know, like right before he chops Christy up into bits and pieces and scatters her across the Serengeti.

The roadblock progressed similarly to the caviar mission. Chip inhaled his scrambled eggs, the twins went into convulsions, and Mirna forced Charla to consume all the food. Afterwards, teams had to take a zip line across a magnificent gorge in order to reach an expectant Phil Koegan at the finish line. Quite honestly, I’m surprised none of these contestants let loose a steady stream of ostrich vomit on the ground below. That would have been quite the site. Grossest zipline EVER.

In the end, Chip, the self-anointed “Michael Jordon of food competitions”, led his team to first place victory while Mirna and Charla placed last. I guess that will happen when you force a dwarf to eat an unimagineable amount of eggs. Charla delivered a teary, if not cheesy, speech about proving herself and having to defy expectations and yada yada yada. Amazingly, Phil Koegan’s normally statuesque façade crumbled as some odd semblance of emotion took over his body. At first glance it seemed as though he was choking up over Charla’s final words, but a quick replay on the Tivo revealed that he might have actually been suppressing a laugh. I don’t know what it was, but last week Phil had to walk out onto the course, and this week he was making ambiguous displays of emotion. Has Phil cracked? Has life without the turtleneck caused him to completely lose it? Nah. He’s probably just crying at the thought of egg farts stinking up the Pitstop. Paging el doctoro!

Posted by B-Side at 1:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Even though most of the world was busy rejoicing at the announcement of another celebrity wedding, there are those of us who mourn the love that may never be. Jake and Kirsten were the couple that everybody loved, and have left many fans wondering "Why?" after the announcement of their split awhile back. Many readers wrote, almost sobbing to themselves at the thought of what could have been. We here at TVgasm wondered the same thing, specifically how the world's most dreamy-eyed actor and the girl he seemingly couldn't get enough of would have been like had they married, specifically what their children would look like.

In times past, we could count on Conan O'Brien and his "What if They Mated" segment to provide us with these sorts of answers. But we can't tell our readers they have to wait until then, so we decided to use our own sophisticated software to come up with a possible composite.

This is only one artist's rendering, but without a little bundle of joy to call their own, it may be our only keepsake of this once passionate flame of desire. We like to call it our "Thoughts on the Morning After".

Do you have a celebrity couple that you think would have good looking kids? TVgasm may just be able to help you out. Just e-mail us your suggestions.

Posted by J-Unit at 12:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Adam Goldberg came thiiis close to making the ultimate hipster vehicle last year when he wrote and directed the oh-so-trendy indie, I Love Your Work. Everything was in place from an ironic storyline (about an actor dealing with fame, of course) to an ensemble of too-cool-for-school actors. I mean, this thing had Giovanni Ribisi, Joshua Jackson, Christina Ricci, even Vince Vaughn. Oh, and it didn't end there. Adam found room for perennial music hipster Elvis Costello, up-and-coming hipster Nicky Katt, well established hipster Jason Lee, and so-washed-up-it's-funny-and-therefore-hipster Glenn Campbell. You could already see the velvet ropes going up and the Modest Mouse mp3s loading in the iPods.

But something very tragic happened to dear Adam's pet plan. No, not critical dismissal - that was intended (cult is so in). Adam let two young starlets on his set in a move that completely nullified any and all hipster value. First was the unfortunate casting of Haylie Duff, the equally annoying but lesser known sister of Hilary. Adam might be able to write that one off with a quick "Yeah, but her performance was brave" comment, but no booth in the 101 Coffee Shop will be deep enough for him to hide away from his biggest casting transgression:

Holly King from Big Brother 5

Feel free to verify this on the IMDB.com.

Posted by B-Side at 2:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

CBS announced its new batch of contestants for Survivor: Vanuatu, Islands of Fire. As the season approaches, I will weigh in with uninformed opinions and misguided predictions based solely on their photos and CBS bios, much as I did with Big Brother (as you can see, I'm not the expert prognosticator). For now, I have a few impressions. First of all, why did Mark Burnett scour the Hey Dude! fan clubs this season? His casting offices have given us Brady, Dolly, Eliza, Leann, Rory, Scout, and Twila. Well gosh gee willickers. Actually, only Dolly and Scout are farmers (surprise, surprise). The rest fill out the standard cornicopia of Survivor jobs like "research assistant" and "pre-law student" (from the 'Cuse - by way of Strong Island, I'm sure). One fella with an interesting job is John K., who lists his occupation as Mechanical Bull Operator from Los Angeles. Great. The Saddle Ranch has infiltrated Mark Burnett. Usually realilty stars go from TV to bull operator at the Sunset Strip joint (case in point: Blair from Road Rules), but apparently El Nino has struck, and the flows of cheesiness have reversed. Oh well. I'm sure dealing with Valley trash all day has prepared John K. well for the displeasures of Mother Nature.

We don't have any pics of the cast yet, but we do have puppies.

Posted by B-Side at 10:30 AM | Permalink

The teat of humiliation is not dry yet!

We know Marvin likes A and Nats booty. But what else does he look for in a woman? Well, according to his match.com profile, whate ever he likes "It would be bonus if she likes to give special back rubs and foot massages (I reciprocate)." Why do I feel like I need a shower. for the complete proflie and a link stick around for the jump.

Thanks to the BBQ for bringing this to our attention.

To view actual posting from Match.com click here.

	"Very Successful Bachelor"
			I am a:		36 yr old man
			located in:		Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, United States
			looking for:		Dating: 21 to 38-year old woman
					within 60 miles of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, United States
			relationships:		No Answer
			my ethnicity:		Black / African descent
			body type:		Athletic and toned
			height:		6’ 2” (188.0 cms)
			sense of humor:		Clever: Nothing’s better than a quick-witted comeback
			sign:		Scorpio
		About me and who I'd like to date
				I'm a successful entrepreneur, but I realize that there is more to life than work. People describe me as very outgoing and a real laugh generator. I try to find the positive in any situation. I've finally reached a point where my relationships have to be meaningful. I desire a woman who is as mentally deep as she is physically appealing. My lifestyle is centered around a beach community. Naturally, I enjoy water sports, fishing in the lake near my home and strolling by the ocean. My ideal woman loves to go to the beach at sunset, attend church on Sundays and help host dinner parties at home. I've had my heart broken in relationships so I’m still a little cautious. Be gentle with me baby...... I love women who are ambitious and motivated to contribute, not just be Mrs. Right (Mr. Right's wife). I love it when women pamper themselves with fashion, hair, makeup , taking care of that body (workouts). It's a real turn-on if a woman has interests beyond herself too: fishing, football(Cowboys), culinary arts, reading, and travel. It would be bonus if she likes to give special back rubs and foot massages (I reciprocate).

	Appearance
			height:		6’ 2” (188.0 cms)
			eyes:		Brown
			hair:		Bald
				hairstyle:	Shaved
			body type:		Athletic and toned
			body art:		Wouldn’t even think about it
			best feature:		Butt

	Interests
		for fun:
				Since I've been single again, I've travelled to Hollywood for a guest spot on TV. Partied some in Vegas, South Beach, New York, and Atlanta. In search of a good woman with good heart, If you want to be friends that's cool too. Long term ? Maybe.
		favorite hot spots:
				Hot Fish Club in Myrtle Beach. You can watch the sun set over the inlet. Table 21 at The Gulf Stream cafe. If you ever see it.. you know its getting real.. Fogo De Chao in Atlanta. Club Level In South Beach. The Hudson in Manhattan on Friday night.
		favorite things:
				Place: Monaco & a little hotel off the coast of Southern Spain called The Castle. Food: Seafood, sushi, red meat. Wine: Mondavid Reisling. Sports: Golf, pool, body surfing. The Dallas Cowboys, Pulp FIction the movie.
		last read:
				10 Stupid things guys do by Dr. Laura, GQ Magazine, Real Estate Journal
			sense of humor:		Clever: Nothing’s better than a quick-witted comeback
			sports and exercise:		Dancing, Golf, Running, Weights / Machines, Yoga, Other types of exercise
			common interests:		No Answer
			favorite NBA team:		No Answer

	Lifestyle
			exercise habits:		Always at the gym
			daily diet:		Meat and potatoes, Keep it healthy
			smoke:		No Way
			drink:		Social drinker, maybe one or two
			job:		Executive / Management
				I’m a multi-faceted entrepreneur and a community based business owner. In addition to running a successful business and managing property, I dabble as a web designer.
			income:		No Answer
			my place:		Live with pets
			have kids:		None
			want kids:		Not sure
			pets:
				I have:	Cats, Dogs, Fish, Reptiles, Birds
				I don't have, but like:	Horses
				I don't like:	Gerbils / Guinea Pigs / Etc., Fleas

	Background/Values
			ethnicity:		Black / African descent
				I am an African American with maternal roots in the Cherokee nation. First and foremost, I am an American.
			faith:		Christian / Protestant
				I attend church almost every week. I would like it if that special lady would attend with me. My non-traditional community church is fairly informal and a lot of fun. "Forgive me if I occasionally sleeping in after a tough week".
			education:		Bachelors degree
				I have my BS from Clemson Univ. in Mgt. /Real Estate Fin. My minor is is Psy. so I can know why you are doing what you are doing.
			languages:		English, Spanish
			politics:		Liberal

	About My Date
			hair:		Black, Light brown, Dark brown, Blonde, Dark blonde
			eyes:		Any
			height:		5’ 3” (160.0 cms) to 5’ 11” (180.0 cms)
			body type:		Slender, About average, Athletic and toned
			languages:		Any
			ethnicity:		Black / African descent, White / Caucasian, East Indian, Asian, Latino / Hispanic, Middle Eastern, Pacific Islander, Native American, Other
			faith:		Christian / Catholic, Christian / Protestant, Christian / Other, Jewish, Christian / LDS, Muslim / Islam, Spiritual but not religious, Other
			education:		High school, Some college, Associates degree, Bachelors degree, Graduate degree, PhD / Post Doctoral
			job:		Any
			income:		$25,001 to $35,000, $35,001 to $50,000, $50,001 to $75,000, $75,001 to $100,000, $100,001 to $150,000, $150,001+
			smoke:		No Way
			drink:		Social drinker, maybe one or two
			relationships:		Committed relationships but never married, Widowed, Divorced, Several committed relationships — but now single, Never been in a committed relationship
			have kids:		None
			want kids:		Not sure, Probably not
			turn-ons:		Long hair, Power, Brainiacs
			turn-offs:		No Answer
		perfect date:
					Intimate Sensual stroll along the beach, the sunset reflected in our eyes as we hold hands and enjoy the tide

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 10:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

There's been something missing from this season of Road Rules. Lack of creativity? No, we've gotten used to that. No brilliant thinkers? Eh, that's not it either. What could it be? Oh yes. Female cattiness. Until tonight, the women of Road Rules X-Treme have been all too chummy with only a brief anti-Jodi segment to add some artificial drama. Well, we can throw that all out the window because "mature" Angela has arrived. So goodbye ignorant Ibis and Kina and your misguided "honesty" and "friendliness". It's time for transparent snap judgments and character assassination - Angela style!

Entering her third episode in Bunim/Murray land, Angela was pretty satisfied with herself. It seems as though she was receiving that intoxicating elixir that tantalizes so many reality stars: sweet, sweet attention. "Everybody seems fascinated by a new person" she said as if she were some shark display at the aquarium. Unfortunately, Angela didn't realize that the roommies' "fascination" was merely friendly socializing - the kind you usually do when you're trapped in an RV in the middle of Argentina. Angela acted as if she were above all the attention; so clearly she wouldn't mind if another girl entered the mix, right?

Cue newbie Jillian, a perm-tastic tart who seems ready to carry on the Jerry Curl torch now that Rick James has expired. Hailing from Coral Gables, Florida, this future Hillel leader joined the crew with enough gel in her hair to convince me she had either just taken a shower or was in high risk of bursting into flames near Patrick's cigarette. Regardless of the Jewfro hair products, Jillian seemed pleasant enough, and at eighteen, her relatively sweet demeanor was enough to make her an inoffensive addition to the cast. Well, inoffensive to everyone but Angela.

After having only met Jillian moments before, Angela was already casting angry looks on the wee 18 year old. Sensing a rivalry, Bunim/Murray quickly provided us with Angela's bitter tirades against the new girl. These comments mostly revolved around Angela lamenting the demise of that really cool vibe in the RV. Funny, last time we looked, Angela was complaining about the lame vibe in the RV. I guess the vibe must have improved once everyone started paying attention to her.

Well, Angela was not happy that a younger, prettier girl who didn't even have a rape story to tell was warranting more attention than she. We all knew what this meant: full-fledged bitch attack. Angela would never admit that she was jealous; so instead she assigned her anger towards more superficial flaws like Jillian's voice and her age. Now I am very sensitive to annoying voices (Tina from South Pacific, anyone?), but I can wholeheartedly say that this Jillian does not have an annoying voice. It's so nondescript that I can't even remember what it sounds like. But Angela's sort of warranted in her disdain. I mean, Jillian is 18, and that's grounds for total hatred. Thank God Angela was never 18 or 19 or 20 or any age younger than 22. Those people suck. Age is such a character flaw.

It was clear that Angela was going to be alone in her complete and utter disgust towards Jillian. Patrick in particular welcomed the new team member, describing her eloquently as having "a banging ass, a banging face". Derrick was a bit more reserved with his impressions, but he still had a boner too. This was exactly the situation Angela feared. The night before, she explained that the new girl would change things "For good or for worse" and clearly Jillian was a step in the worse department - probably because she knows better than to say "for good or for worse". You might want to reconsider looking down on those folks getting an education in college, Angie.

Well, it wouldn't be an episode of Road Rules X-Treme if there weren't some dumb mission to deal with. The good news this week was that the Mission Mayors continued to get hotter with a jaw-dropping set of Argentinian beauties welcoming the Roadies. The bad news was that we were faced with yet another inane task: tango dancing on a platform several stories above the air while - you guessed it - blindfolded. More creative shows would have had the kids tangoing for twenty four hours or entering into a dance competition, but the Road Rules producers never met an interesting idea they couldn't convolute with a safety harness and a blindfold. I'm shocked the attack dog episode didn't take place on the girders of some skyscraper construction site.

Jillian and Patrick were conveniently paired up, which instantly led to spiteful comments from Angela and her oversized choker. She spent a good deal of time bashing Patrick and Jillian for their clunky, style-free moves, but truth be told, when it was Angela's turn to ascend on the platform and get her tango on, she looked about as limber as a Lego man. Angela's scintillating performance with Derrick earned the team five whole style points (out of a potential 120). Jodi and Nick fared better, earning 40 style points. Luckily, judges were not focusing on the outfits because Jodi looked like a middle-aged lounge singer in her black evening gown.

Patrick and Jillian needed 45 style points to pass the mission, and of course Angela doubted their abilities, calling their movements robotic. This comes from the girl who plodded around on the platform like the Iron Giant. We all knew Angela's snippiness was pure misdirection, and surprise surprise, Patrick and Jillian saved the mission by winning 50 style points (that's ten times more than you, Angela).

I must admit that I was a bit surprised at this point. I fully expected the "You know, Jillian really pulled it together and helped us out. I shouldn't rush to judgment so much" reversal from Angela. After all, it's a standard Bunim/Murray move. But no. Angela just continued her rant, once again assailing Jillian for ruining the precious vibe. Yes, that precious vibe you've felt for all four days since joining this cast.

Well, there really was no better way to usher in Jillian's arrival than for group shots all around. This of course led to Jillian and Patrick wandering off to make out. "What happened to dignity?" asked a thoroughly disgusted Angela. Yeah, what did happen to all the dignity of going on a reality show that forces you to eat cow testicles and scrape sweat off teammates? As Patrick and Jillian continued to smooch, Angela became increasingly peeved, saying "I feel like I'm watching a porn." She must watch some really lame pornos. I guess those Jehovas Witnesses are a little sensitive.

In all fairness to Angela, the gruesome twosome did eventually make their way back to the RV where they capped off Jillian's night with a little sex-a-roo. It was a pretty bold move, and for thousands of students in Jillian's soon-to-be freshman college class, a sneak preview of a semester to come.

The episode ended with Angela completely horrified and disgusted. Just when we thought she was growing to like her roommates despite their young age (little Jodi is a mere month or two younger than Angela), the wardrobe assistant put her foot down and declared that after the show "I don't want to hang out with these people." That's great. I hope she had a great time not hanging out with them on the latest Real World/Road Rules Challenge, which she just taped.

Posted by B-Side at 9:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Thanks to TVgasm reader Shelli, we found this pleasant pro-Jase article on the front page of The Decatur Herald & Review. Turns out Jase has a loyal fan following from mom, a girl and the guys at Gold's Gym.

Amazingly, none of his fellow firefighters had anything to say.

Update: Here's a nifty interview from TV Guide. Jase answers all sorts of questions about pee, the six finger plan, and Holly.

Posted by B-Side at 5:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

There is a new pair of lesbian kissers in town.

Rumors hit cyberspace last week that during a drunken game of Truth or Dare in the Big Brother House, Karen and Diane shared an intimate moment.

Hundreds of emails came in asking for verification of the kiss. As promised, I will dig up all the dirt on the Houseguests for you, our valued TVGasm readers.

It wasn't easy, but TVGasm has come through. I give you the teat of humiliation. Suckle. Suckle from my humiliation teat.

And for Holly's leather-bound teat, you can always click here.

Otherwise, the kiss comes after the jump.

Diane is a strategic player who covers all her bases. Here she is covering 1st base with Karen.

If anyone has the video or better screen caps of the kiss, or any other scintillating, humiliating, or interesting facts notes, tidbits or multimedia of the Houseguests or any other TVgasmic personality, be a part of the story breaking and email them to saul@tvgasm.com.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 5:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

The results are in. Usher is this season's most popular character on Big Brother. At least that's what I would gather from the collective squeal of delight bellowing from the cast on Saturday night's episode upon his appearance. Okay, not physical appearance. When incoming Head of Household Adria revealed her complimentary CD to be Usher's "Confessions", Will and Marvin raised their hands to God as if they had won the Showcase Showdown on The Price Is Right. I can understand their enthusiasm. After a weeklong journey into Hipsterville courtesy of Nakomis's Flaming Lips CD, the houseguests were granted a one way return trip to Top 40 trifles such as "Yeah!" and "Burned", which I'm sure has resulted in lots of pseudo-Michael Jackson dancing on the live feeds. That's okay though. After weeks of supression under the noxious Four Horsemen regime, these folks are allowed to get their groove in. Oh, and then turn on each other in true reality TV fashion.

It didn't take long after Adria's Head of Household victory for Will, Karen, and Nakomis to demonize her - going so far as to label her the next Jase. Oh those bitter "single-births". Can't they just be happy for Adria and her twin Natalie? They've had it so hard for so long - spending weeks pretending to be each other, only to be treated like the same person. I don't know why people associate Adria and Natalie as one entity. Is it just because they consult each other on every single decision and sleep in the same bed and talk the same and act the same and, oh yeah, look identically the same? Can't people see that they're individuals?!?!?!

Well, Karen, Will and Nakomis felt instantly threatened, which lead to many covert discussions in the Cloud Room that detailed things like "I don't like the way she said that" or "I didn't like her tone" or "She sort of looked odd in this one moment which made me think that she's evil!" This was all accentuated by Nakomis's new, distracting nervous habbit: stroking her breasts. I'm just as confused as you.

Granted, by the end of the episode, with Will going up on the block, the trio's paranoia was justified, but still, these three didn't exactly do anything to preserve their numbers. Instead of making Adria feel less threatened, they just clumped together and acted like jilted lovers - which probably only served to bolster Adria's decision. The best this group could do was to send nutty Karen into the Head of Household room to awkwardly smooth things over, but if there's anything we've learned, it's that the portrait artist from New Jersey is about as subtle as Julie Chen at an underground rave. Hmmm... that analogy really doesn't work, but I like the imagery, so it's staying.

Anyway, Karen tried to remind Adria of their former alliance, but of course she failed miserably because Karen's favorite M.O. - whiny pouting - still has not fooled anyone (not even Jase and Scott fell for it a few weeks ago when Karen tried to act like she was on their side). I do like Karen a lot - mainly because she's funny in the Diary Room and she seems to have a shrewd view of the game - but I'm sorry, she's just not the smoothest player.

Faring slightly better was Michael who managed to avoid nomination altogether by pleading his case to Adria - a move that Karen and her alliance should have adopted as well. Michael managed to get on Adria's good side, and later I'm surprised he didn't get into her nightmares when he rubbed his nipple on her spy screen and then streaked through the house. At least there was no return of the "freakdancing" which Cowboy gracefully demonstrated last week. Somebody from Soul Train best take a look at Michael!

Suffering from similarly embarrassing footage was Diane whose full-body melanoma became the subject of CBS mockery. Will labeled her as "Tanorexic", but I prefer terms such as "Tantastic" or "Tanimal" or "Tantwoin Fisher" or "Tan of Green Gables" or "Tanny Get Your Gun" or "Tandrew Lloyd Weber". Okay, I'm speaking nonsense now. Point is that Diane has to get out of the sun. But I fear she may have already gotten an ample dose of sun poisoning to muddle her thoughts. No, I'm not saying this because of her bizarre astronomy discussion with Nakomis, who believes there could be an anti-black hole out in the universe somewhere. I'm saying this because Diane has tragically kept the Mandana flame alive by sporting some bizarre tie-dyed contraption on her head. Why must this accessory live to see another day? Even reformed Horseman Drew has dropped it. Someone should have called her out on it.

Maybe Adria could have mentioned it during the nomination ceremony. She was already being insulting enough with her patronizing speeches to nominees Will and Marvin. She told them both she had nominated them because she wanted to see their real game come out. Come on Adria. This isn't a football squad. Just say you felt threatened. Well, Marvin and Will left the ceremony seething with anger, which of course leaves the twins with an even larger mark on their backs. It may be hard for the girls to rebound in future weeks. Then again, Adria does have one trump card left up her sleeve: Usher listening priviledges.

Yeah!

Posted by B-Side at 10:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

After commiting to breaking humiliating stories of Big Brother 5 cast members just 24 hours ago, this comes out. Enjoy. If you are having a hard time figuring out what kind of music was in the background for this scene, we have a sample for you. Or buy the whole CD at Amazon.com.

And thank you to the good people at THE GLOBE for emailing this to us!

(pic's resolution has been lowered for easier downloading)

UPDATE AFTER THE JUMP

8/15 UPDATE

The Holly humiliation continues. Thanks to Max for bringing this one into the Gasm. Watching this is like watching a man with no arms reading brail.

------------

It turns out this Holly pic is a hot item! Various websites have all clamored to get their watermark on it - with some complaining that they didn't receive proper credit. Here's what one angry blogger posted under her version of the pic:

(Please note: the scan on the Holly King yahoogroup and Jokers Updates is the one above from this site, although not credited properly. I hate watermarking images, but it's people like that who force me to.)

We hear you sister. Stealing isn't very cool. Unfortunately, this blogger herself didn't credit her source properly either. Now, even though her jpg file has the same name as ours and even though we have a clean version of the photo that any random person could slap their own watermark onto and even though our photo was up hours before all sites that we know of, we're not saying she stole it from us - after all, it is possible that the guy from the GLOBE who emailed it to us could have sent it to her too. But, if you're going to get on your high horse about proper citation, you might want to, you know, properly cite your photo - unless of course this blogger wrote the Globe article and found the original photos herself. In which case, we say Bravo!

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 2:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

What an eventful Thursday: California bars gay marriage, Governor McGreevy comes out of the closet, and Jase returns to the outside world. I'm not saying that there's any recurring theme here - I'm just simply revisiting some of yesterday's headlines. Last night's episode of Big Brother was short on surprises but was certainly very satisfying for fans who have desired Jase's ejection since the first episode. Falling victim's to Nakomis's crafty Six Finger Plan, no life line made of bandanas and hair wax could have saved Jase from last night's eviction. It was so obvious that the producers didn't even attempt any of the usual misdirection, leaving Julie Chen to forego her standard mechanical pauses and hastily announce the results. I was a little thrown by Julie's swift delivery. I never realized her CPU had enough RAM to speak so quickly. Side note: who else would like to hear Julie interview Mose from Amish In The City? It would be like the battle of Apple Text-To-Speech voices "Kathy" and "Fred". Hmmm... I sound like a real dork now. Let's get back to bashing Jase.

I must admit that last week, when Scott was kicked out of the compound, my impressions of him changed formidably. On the block he was gracious, humble, courteous and even fairly articulate. I couldn't help thinking that there was more to this guy than I had ever given him credit for. Jase, on the other hand, did nothing to impress me upon his eviction. His roundabout speech - which clearly was the definiton of "rehearsed" - reeked of insincerity, and the general theatrics of all his actions just reaffirmed his status as attention whore.

Oh, but he is so goofy and funny! While he was walking out of the house, he stole a pear as a souvenir! That Jase. He is a pistol! I often think more evicted house guests should use some sort of fruit-centric humor to liven up the proceedings. Finally, my prayers were answered. Jim Carrey, watch out. There's a new comic genius in Hollywood!

Well, maybe not. It's always amusing - unintentionally - when Jase remembers that he's supposed to be the "goofy" guy. He usually does something very odd and lacking in wit, like babbling during the endurance challenge or dressing up like Ace Ventura during the veto ceremony. Unfortunately, Jase's uncontrollable rage and spite tend to transform these already dumb moments into uncomfortable demonstrations of bitterness and venting. There's sort of a sad element to it all - sort of like watching a depressed guy pretending to laugh as he drinks his sorrows away.

Granted, Jase has a lot to be bitter about. His buddy Drew betrayed him with the veto. What's up with that? Didn't Drew realize that Jase's bullying and condescending attitude were expressions of love? I guess not. As Jase continued to verbally abuse tongue-tied Drew, Diane stood up for her "cuddle-buddy" (an expression that has got to cease and desist in this household) when she asked Jase why it was okay for him to save Holly but not okay for Drew to save her. Huminah huminah huminah...

Truth is that Jase wasn't very sharp tongued this episode. At one point he asked to speak to Diane, but she turned him down, saying she wasn't in the mood. "Well, I just wanted to say 'Kiss my ass, Diane'" replied Jase as he walked away. Ahhh shit! That was a good one! Somebody call Russell Simmons. We got a new contestant for Def Comedy Jam!

Okay, so maybe Jase never learned the art of the snappy comeback after fourth grade, but that was all part of his plan, right? Well, according to him I'm sure it was. Jase is one of those great hindsight bias people who rationalize that everything was part of a master plan. So did that master plan include gaining a ball and chain? Because that's what he got in the form of bubblelicious Holly.

In a fantastic move on the producer's part, Jase received a surprise visit on live television from his Big Brother love Holly (not Scott). As Holly giggled and contorted her face, Jase reacted as if he had just been forced into marriage with Pol Pot. It was a beautiful moment. Julie Chen watched with robotic schadenfreude as Jase tried his best to lean away from the flaxen kitty lover. Perhaps the best moment was when Jase randomly said "You know I live out here [Los Angeles], right?" I wasn't exactly sure what he was getting at, but I imagine it was something like "I sort of don't want you in my LA circle" or more likely "Now that I'm going to be a huge star and hanging out with Brad Pitt, we probably shouldn't see each other anymore."

The best part about this little reunion though was that it managed to shut Jase up for once. He had been very smooth - like his shaved armpits - when he tried to play everything down like was at peace with the outcome. He claimed he was okay with Drew's decision, although that loveable Jase spite returned when he said "Yeah, it's fine. I understood. We're all good. It was the ultimate betrayal, but it's all good". I thought the ultimate betrayal for Jase would be if Drew had destroyed all the mandanas in the house.

Jase will always have Cowboy though, the hopelessly loyal follower who needed about forty five edits in his goodbye speech to create a coherent thought: "I... really... will... miss... you... Jase..." The other houseguests were more succinct and delightfully mocking, especially Karen who performed a neat little impression with a bandana. I was a little disappointed though. I sort of wanted Will to say something like "Now I can finally be the gayest houseguest", but alas, it was not meant to be.

Amazingly, this episode wasn't all about Jase. We got little updates from six castmates from last season. TVgasm friend Erika popped up, looking lovely as always. We also had brief moments with Robert, Jun, Allison, Justin, and Jee. There weren't too many notable things. Jun has a shrine to herself. Allison is still spoiled. Jee and Robert have nothing to say for themselves. And Justin, in the most refreshing update, has finally nixed his silly Caesar cut.

As for the present cast, with Jase's eviction finally over and done with, the lively houseguests battled for Head of Household with a funky little shuffleboard game. Julie Chen, in a wonderfully rigid performance, tried to hone her inner-weather girl skills by showing the people at home where on the shuffleboard contestants must guide their puck. To be honest, I didn't know her arms were capable of extending beyond handshake position. This was really quite a feat for Chenbot locomotion.

Anyway, Adria won HOH, setting up a week of anti-twin sentiment. Let the girl implosion begin!

Posted by B-Side at 11:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

It was a big night for Big Brother fans as Jase finally got the boot and entered Julie Chen purgatory. I haven't had a chance to write a full post about this joyous occasion, but I know I have to leave our hungry readers with some tidbit; so enjoy this brief montage of the awkward reunion of Jase and Holly.

"So... does this mean Scott's not here?"

"Somebody please shoot me."

"Oh God. She's looking at me."

"I hate you."

"My guns look pretty sexy."

"I love my heterosexual outfit that just happens to be very popular in West Hollywood."

"Wow. She's still here."

"Fuck."

Posted by B-Side at 2:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Ahhh, the Teen Choice Awards. Some may call it a pathetic warmup for the MTV Video Music Awards and The Emmy's. I call it likely the most exciting thing you are going to see at the Universal Amphitheater this year. And although we are unlikely to get such memorable moments as Kobe Bryant's clenched fist of protest/defiance seen at the 2003 version, we have to at least comment on a few things that caught or attention. Fresh back from the end of another successful season of The Simple Life, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie hosted the show, arriving in their pickup from the show. OK, who am I kidding? I neither watched this show nor realized it existed. I first heard that it happened after hearing about a Teen People party going on someplace near Sunset Plaza. Then I happened to notice huge swaths of hipsters, not yet of drinking age, heading towards Shelter. It must have been some night.

If it wasn't for Amish in the City, I might have been able to give you more than an after the fact summation of events, but you'll have to deal. Isn't it amazing how far Lindsay Lohan has come since last year? In 2003, she was practically unnoticed, and almost shy during her appearance. Three movies, several breast accusations, and a couple of nipple shots later, she is now all growed up, and introducing Wilmer Valderrama to some of the most sought after freckled parts in the world. Although we love Lindsay here at TVgasm, we do wish she would tone down that orange glow she sports during awards ceremonies. We are starting to think she is auditioning for a remake of Krippendorf's Tribe. In any case, Lindsay has capitalized on all her appeal to the tune of four Teen Choice awards, including the best Hissy Fit and Blush in a movie.

Another group of folks moving on up is the OC. A year ago, most people would have said Ben Who? Mischa What? and That Jew-fro kid. Now Ben McKenzie, Mischa Barton and Adam Brody are on top of the television world, or at least that of NewsCorp.

If you decide you are going to steal the show with all these big names around, you had better bring a pretty big trump card, perhaps an Oscar or Emmy nomination or Grammy win to highlight the truly glorious of the gliterrati. Or, you can just show up to accept the Courage Award after losing ninety percent of your left arm to a shark attack. Yes, Bethany Hamilton, who made headlines when a shark ripped her arm off during surfing, made an appearance to accept her huge surfboard award in a moment of almost unprecedented TV irony. I can only imagine what Jessica Simpson said after she got a load of her.

Before I get myself into trouble, here are the rest of the winners:

Movie: Choice Date Movie 50 First Dates

Movie: Comedy Shrek 2

Movie: Thriller The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Movie: Actor: Comedy Adam Sandler (50 First Dates)

Movie: Actress: Comedy Lindsay Lohan (Mean Girls)

TV Show: Drama/Action Adventure The O.C.

TV Show: Reality/Variety Punk'd

TV Show: Late Night Saturday Night Live

TV: Actor Drama/Action Adventure Adam Brody (The O.C.)

TV: Actress Drama/Action Adventure Jennifer Garner (Alias)

TV: Sidekick Sean Hayes (Will & Grace)

TV: Personality Ashton Kutcher (Punk'd)

Music: Single "Toxic" - Britney Spears

Music: Album Confessions - Usher

Music: R&B Artist Usher

Misc. Male Hottie Orlando Bloom

Misc: Comedian Adam Sandler

Choice Fresh Face: Ashlee Simpson

Movie: Hissy Fit Lindsay Lohan (Mean Girls)

Movie: Blush Lindsay Lohan (Mean Girls)

Movie: Liplock Keira Knightly & Orlando Bloom (Pirates of the Caribbean)

Movie: Sleazebag Seann William Scott (American Wedding)

Movie: Chemistry Keira Knightly & Orlando Bloom (Pirates of the Caribbean)

Movie: Fight/Action Sequence Orlando Bloom & Johnny Depp (Pirates of the Caribbean)

Movie Your Parents Didn't Want You to See: American Wedding

Movie: Breakout Star Male Chad Michael Murray (A Cinderella Story)

Movie: Breakout Star Female Lindsay Lohan (Mean Girls, Freakly Friday)

Reality/Variety TV Star Male: Ashton Kutcher (Punk'd)

Reality/Variety TV Star Female: Jessica Simpson

Reality/Variety TV Jackass: Simon Cowell

TV: Breakout Star Male Chad Michael Murray (One Tree Hill)

TV: Breakout Star Female Mischa Barton (The O.C.)

Breakout Show: The O.C.

Music: Hook Up "Yeah" - Usher w/Ludracis & Lil Jon

Music: Love Song "I Miss You" - Blink 182

Music: R&B Track "Yeah" - Usher w/Ludracis & Lil Jon

Music:Tour of the Year No Doubt & Blink 182

Male Athlete: Tony Hawk

Female Athlete: Mia Hamm

Movie of the Summer: SpiderMan 2

Song of the Summer: "Pieces of Me" - Ashlee Simpson

Movie: Drama/Action Adventure Harry Potter

Actor: Drama/Action Adventure Brad Pitt (Troy)

Actress: Drama/Action Adventure Halle Berry (Gothika)

TV Show: Comedy Friends

TV: Actor Comedy Matt LeBlanc

TV: Actress Comedy Jennifer Aniston

Music: Male Artist Justin Timberlake

Music: Female Artist Avril Lavigne

Music: Rap Artist D 12

Music: Rock Group Evanescence

Misc: Female Hottie Jessica Simpson

Movie: Liar Johnny Depp

Music: Breakout Artist Maroon 5

Music: Hip Hop/Rap Track "Where is the Love" - Black Eyed Peas

Music: Rock Track "This Love" - Maroon5

Fashion Icon Female: Jessica Simpson

Fashion Icon Male : Brad Pitt

Posted by J-Unit at 12:15 AM | Permalink

I am beginnig to feel a little lied to and betrayed.

The more I discover about the Big Brother 5 guests, the more inclined I am to suspect that the houseguests didn't apply to compete on the show for the sportsmanship of gaming. No, no! In fact it would appear that several of them are using the show to catapult some sort of celebrity seeking agenda. Why, when I discovered this, I felt it my duty to expose these people for what they are... and after tireless minutes of web browsing, I have compiled a horde of humiliating links, facts and photos.

Here it is! The ultimate pot luck, Bathroom Reader, Page 6, Smokinggun and Drudge Report of Big Brother 5.

We have gathered information from all over the web and consolidated them for you in one quick refrence quide. From Nakomis' poetry, to Holly on MTV. From Karen's old Job, to Drew's hand job, you will find it all here.

Here is what I want to know. When does Jase find the time to put out fires? Between his network television appearances as the go-to gay extra and his newly discovered "Demo Reel" which...Oh Christ, it just speaks for itself, I don’t get when he has the time to be a volunteer firefighter.

I believe I have discovered where Jase gets his fashion from.

Why is it that BB5 seems to be a feeding ground for aspiring actors? I can understand that the urge to be famous can be intoxicating, but as far as a means to catapult one to success as a respectable actor, is being videotaped sleeping, lying, drinking and pooping really the best way to go about doing it? Well, Holly seems to be willing to try anything to attain her 15 minutes of fame, including a breif MTV appearance on their shortly lived reality competition "FEAR".

Unlike her mental midget love interest Jase, Holly has managed not only speaking lines, but a starring roll in the Blockbuster hit "Directors Cut." Never heard of it? That's odd. Take a look at the trailer, and if you like what you see know it is available on Amazon starting as low as 15 bucks!

At this point in reality TV, it is becoming more apparent that people sign up to become mini-celebs. Jase, Holly, Scott...sure, I can see it. But the two that shocked me the most; Adria and Natalie. I have to say I didn't see it coming. Not until I came across >their website, which sells (and this is no joke) Fitness Twin ugg..mousepads, did I realize they were media whores. But it doesn’t stop at their website, they are also the poster girls for some sort of NRA ad.

I know, I know...you may be thinking "Sure they have a website, they are 'Fitness Gurus.'" To which I say, explain THIS.

Nakomis also has a little internet post, but hers is far more Nakomis-esque. A deep poem by a deep woman. Rather than making you hop to the site, Ill bring it here...along with Nik's email, if you wanna let her know how you felt about it.

Three years ago, before The Amazing Race and before The Simple Life 2: Road Trip, USA aired a little reality show that managed to make little to no impact on the pop cultural radar. It was called Cannonball Run 2001, and before you start groaning - okay, you can groan a little bit - it was quite the fun piece of entertainment. Unfortunately, USA bungled it's marketing for the series (READ: provided no promos whatsoever) and this quirky cross-country lark was sent to the reality graveyard without ever getting a real shot. Part of the problem was that USA aired all five or six installments of the show in one week. That right, an episode per night. Not really a great way to build up word of mouth. But dagnabbit, it was a good show! Mismatched teams of three (ie: two frat guys with an old black lady, two Playboy bunnies with a seminary student) piled into old jalopies that often overheated and raced across country, stopping at various places to perform challenges etc. The show was like a lighter, campier version of Amazing Race, except instead of the Hermitage or the Great Pyramids, we had truckstops and BBQ pits. Obviously, it wasn't as good as the Phil Koegan globe trotting adventure, but it had moments of similar ingenuity, which leads me to believe it deserves a spot in the current reality landscape. Check out more info on the show at its website here.

Did anyone else see this show? What do you think?

Posted by B-Side at 12:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Without The Simple Life 2 to kick around anymore, last night my attention wandered towards UPN, of all places, where I sampled a bit of television trash known as The Player. I had heard all sorts of negative things about this hip hop dating show, but surely I thought I'd be in for a campy treat. It was campy alright, but hardly a treat. Problem with this show is that it's straight up boring, fool. Granted, the reality dating genre is not my favorite (Average Joe is about as close I get to this stuff); so I may not have been predisposed to this show. I will say though that I'd pick The Player over The Bachelor/ette any day. At least this UPN debacle has a little flava, as opposed to the love letter to Middle America ABC thrusts upon us thrice a year.

The first problem with The Player is the stupid triumverate of pseudo-trannies known as Dawn, Jinelle, and Ananda. These girls - or sisters, as they call themselves - seem to have the mental capacity of a chew toy, especially Jinelle who likes to call people out for disprespecting Dawn. It seemed like no matter what anyone did, Jinelle had some beef about it. Honestly, it was Jinelle who was really disrespecting Dawn the most - I know I'd be embarrased if my best friend dressed like a drag queen all day.

As for Dawn, she has the difficult job of parsing out the cheesy playas from the really cheesy playas. This means enduring silly activities like taking three guys out on an Elimidate-esque dinner. Dawn brought a cocky lawyer, a shy Jewish guy, and a goofy white dude who thinks he's Mekhi Pfieffer. The lawyer surprised Dawn with a bouquet of roses at the dinner table, and of course, since that move implied some sort of financial transaction, she approved of his game immediately.

The Jewish guy, of course, was about as out of place as, uh, a Jewish guy on UPN. He tried to improvise a little cute thing for Dawn by having the pastry chef draw little stick figures of them on the dessert plate. It was incredibly lame, but I'm sure his mother would have loved it. Of course, this gesture did not result in any sort of tangible gift for Dawn; so she up and kicked him off the show, saying that he tried to "bite" another playa's game. Oooh, bitch got standards!

The moment of elimination was oh so spontaneous. Dawn plopped out her catchphrase, "Game over, playa", with so much rigid stuttering that I thought she might be auditioning to be Julie Chen's replacement. The guys pretended as if they were surprised, but obviously this scene had been rehearsed and shot several times. As the Jewish guy stepped out of the H2 limo wearing only a robe (don't ask), Dawn was sure to add "Don't Hate The Player, Hate The Game". Um, can I just hate both? I must say, I did enjoy Dawn's frantic attempt to get her catchphrase out before the producers wrung her neck.

There was plenty of goofiness to fill a big post about this show, but I really don't have the energy for that. Needless to say, by the end of the episode, Dawn kicked off Dartmouth alum Kyle because he was playing the "Mr. Nice Guy game" (as opposed to the Shallow Slut game). I do feel badly for him. He really didn't have much game, as far as we could see. Granted, he did try to charm Dawn with tales of his sausage-making prowess, but later, when nominated for elimination, his trembling voice was no competition for the smoove confidence offellow nominee Chyno (pronounced like that 'burb made famous on The OC). That's okay, Kyle. This gives less fodder for your Gamma Delt brothers to attack you with. Plus now you probably don't have that STD you could have gotten had you stuck around longer.

I like how Dawn kicks off the nice, Ivy League equities trader and keeps sketchy characters like a grope-happy Slamball champion. I'd like to see a follow up show where Dawn complains about infidelity and assholes. It can be called "YOU IDIOT".

Posted by B-Side at 12:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

If you are a viewer continuing to watch North Shore, you must either be a glutton for punishment, or dying to get a better look at Tessa, played by Amanda Righetti. Considering the show is not on cable and thus without any nipple or even a little butt crack to be had, you would have to be hard up for some images of her having sex to proceed with this death march. I wouldn't even waste my time writing this down if I wasn't working at a job affording me approximately 7.5 hours of free time per day. North Shore is pretty bad and it is annoying how they try to gimmick their way to popularity. The writers are continually finding ways to awkwardly begin or finish a scene. This week we are forced through a painful Mark McGrath cameo, which appeared about as natural as Theresa Heinz Kerry speaking at Bob Jones University. Mark McGrath is now going to be associated with so many other B and C-listers who made their own cameos on the show. I bet he either got drunk and lost a bet, or slept with somebody and forgot he made some promises. Then again, maybe he is just in the B-list like most everybody in this town.

Nicole would probably cheer Mark right up after talking about her last few days. She left her groom at the altar, admitting she had said yes to the wrong man. When she went to find the guy who was the right man, he was tapping a girl who was not only trying to take over Nicole's job, but was a felon to boot.

That is not all. The aftereffects of a shattered relationship was not enough to last the episode. The producers decided to try another instance of OC plot transferral by dragging us into the "scorned boyfriend is out for revenge" twist with TVgasm friend Dylan Bruno. Dylan's character, the roulette wheel-named Trey Chase wants his dear MJ and no Chicago punk with an H2 is going to get in his way. But to pull this off, it's not enough to simply act generous and forgiving to win back MJ. The correct way to go about things is to get all of her friends to love you, and make the current boy look crazy and sound paranoid. This strategy took over a month on the OC, and the one week abridged version wasn't that impressive either. Trey tries to kill chase by knocking him into the street, trashes MJ's room to make it look like Chris did it in a jealous fit, then not only steals Chris's car, but kidnaps MJ to show his commitment.

As pathetic as that all sounds, Nicole can trump that. After breaking off her ceremony, she pouts and threatens to leave for Hong Kong so she can stop and had millions of guys around her that don't speak English. Hate to break it to her, but Hong Kong might have more english speakers than some parts of the US, and certainly large chunks of Los Angeles. But what about fighting for your love? Jason saw Jerry Maguire and he's not going to take "No" for an answer, it's just not good enough. He even threatens Walter Booth if he doesn't leave them alone. The problem is Jason has no leverage since nobody will tell him what happened in some shady harbor so many years ago. By now Nicole decides she needs to get back on the wagon. She drinks herself silly and tries to sleep with Frankie who offers her some advil instead. Brewing underneath all of this is a little bit of a feud between Nicole and Tessa. Since Nicole was leaving, Vincent offered Tessa the newly vacated position. Predictably, Nicole can't stand the thought of Tessa working her job and putting the move on her man, so she stays. And her father, he bought a house on the island and is going to stick around as well.

If there is any romance that is not on the rocks, it is that of Gabriel and Trey. Gabriel gets huge wood anytime anybody says he surfs well, and Trey was laying it on thick. Trey offered Gabriel compliments, a new board, and a chance to surf Tahiti with his sponsor for money. Gabriel, who I will never believe could actually live on his own, thinks Trey is his friend, and let's everybody know how good of a guy Trey is, even MJ. Anybody who doesn't like Trey is obviously jealous that Gabriel has made it as a surfer. When Trey needs somebody to lie to boost his alibi, Gabriel comes through in the clutch. Yet, even Gabriel came to his senses. When he learns how MJ was kidnapped, he realizes he must divulge the one snippet about MJ and Trey's relationship(you know, the parts without the cheating, breakups, and abusive behavior) that he learned from Trey, which also happens to be the location of the missing MJ.

Chris, of course, is immediately off to the races to rescue his girl. He comes at Trey with a tire iron, but Trey counters with a harpoon gun. Luckily Gabriel is around to distract Trey enough so Chris can pummel him. Now, I thought he would get a good pummeling, but MJ implored him to stop saying he was bleeding and he could die. Well, that massive hemorrhage was from Trey's lip, so I am not sure how he was going to die. The producers should have made this at least believable. There is no way Chris could take down Trey one on one. Some perfect irony would have been to use his surfboard against him.

As marvelously dramatic as all of that sounds, the writers saved the best for last. Nicole and Jason reconcile, just in time for Jason to learn his dad's surf shack has been torched. Jason surely suspects Walter Booth and rides away in the ambulance to be with his dad.

I can't comment on what is coming because the Tivo missed the previews, but this show is in a serious rut. I guess Amanda Righetti is not a convincing bitch, because the rumor has it that Shannon Doherty is going to have a recurring role. Perhaps the writers will work a volcano explosion into the mix. Who knows what it will be, but let us hope it is good because I lose a few more reasons to watch this show every week.

Posted by J-Unit at 9:17 PM | Permalink

Last week we broke the news that Amazing Race 5 contestant Brandon is that guy in all the bus shelters across Manhattan and Los Angeles. We referred readers to Point Zero, the canuck fashion label with the world's most annoying website EVER. We felt guilty about subjecting our loyal readers to such an abhorent Flash disaster, so we've decided to post the rest of Brandon's silly print ads here.

You can find all of these semi-sinful pictures after the jump.

Sadly, there are no Point Zero barf bags available at this time.

Posted by B-Side at 4:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Phil Koegan is not a happy camper. He does not like to leave his comfy perch at the Pitstop, and if any team forces him away from his multicultural sidekick of the day, Phil will be sure to exact revenge. Okay, maybe not revenge, but definitely an icy put down laced with enough passive aggression to silence a small army, assuming that army was very sensitive. Point is that for the first time on The Amazing Race, Phil had to join the commonfolk and venture out onto the "course" to tend to the Pizza Brothers, the bitter, sadsack quitters whose dreams of stardom were as fleeting as Marshall's knee cartiledge. While the hobbled brother sat like an old lady in a random wicker chair, Phil went to great lengths to explain that not only had no team never crossed the finish line (READ: You guys are lame), but no team has never been physically unable to cross the finish line (READ: You guys are pussies) and furthermore, even if the guys had made it to the pitstop, they still would have been eliminated (READ: You guys really suck and I hate you). The best part of all of this though - aside from the most angry team getting the boot - was that Phil delivered his little speech with such steely cold authority that not even the verbally abusive brothers could retort. I always enjoyed Jeff Probst's whiny response to quitters, but Phil Koegan showed us how it's supposed to be done. Lesson learned: never cross a man in a turtleneck.

Granted, Phil wasn't exactly wearing a turtleneck last night, but he sort of has one spiritually. I always get a sense that his little safari shirt could sprout an oversized collar at any moment. He's really a remarkable host. He has the charm of Jeff Probst and the robotic precision of Julie Chen. Better yet, there's a sense that behind Phil's generally stoic face he's silently passing judgment on the contestants, slowly removing them from his Christmas card list. Except, of course, Mirna whose love for him knows no bounds. Correct me if I'm wrong though, but was it me or was there no pre-Phil primping and not even a little hug? The only one who seemed to gussy herself up was... Kim! Might there be a love triangle burdgeoning at the pitstop?

Whatever does go down at those mysterious mandatory rest periods, it clearly doesn't include knee surgery because Marshall was walking, or shuffling really, as if he were the new spokesman for "Oops... I Crapped My Pants!" Watching him creak down the tiny passageway into the pyramid was painful, and later his geriatric pace was actually sort of sad. Oh well, he's a jerk. What goes around comes around. Mwahaha.

Speaking of misfortunes, Colin and Christy predictably lost their entire seven hour lead within moments of the opening credits when they discovered that their next clue was behind a gate that didn't open for, you guessed it, another seven hours. Brighter minds would not have wasted the Fast Forward as they did, but maybe this means these two will get eliminated down the line. Granted, they are doing a great job - as evidenced by their first place win last night - but in general, they're pretty bland, save for Colin's frequent, psychotic, "Sleeping With The Enemy" expressions. I really do fear for Christy's safety sometimes.

And at moments I feared for Mirna and Charla's safety. The two faced the wrath of Colin when they tried to steal his cab, and I must say, our Armenian underdogs were in the wrong this time. A verbal spat ensued, with Mirna ultimately labelling Colin with a Napoleon Complex. That's all well and good, except Napoleon was short and Colin is, you know, not short at all.

Wearing her Dr. Phil cap, Mirna continued her psycho-analysis of her rivals by calling Christy submissive, which isn't entire false. Of course, Christy is not the only submissive girlfriend on the trip. Bible-thumper Nicole proudly assumes the role of wallflower to her boyfriend Brandon's whimsies. Granted, while Colin and Christy have a whole hidden rage thing going on, Brandon and Nicole survive mainly on a constant diet of whining and praying. They are fond of communicating with the word "baby", as in "Baby??" or "Baby!" or "Baby..." Sometimes "baby" is juxtaposed with other sentences for added effect such as "Baby, I'm trying!" or "Baby, where are you going?" but usually we hear Nicole simply sighing "Baaaby" in an utterance of defeat. Watching her and Christy guide their boyfriends around on donkeys was amusingly appropriate.

Of course that donkey Detour challenge was also notable for the crazy Egyptian guy monitoring the water jugs which teams had to fill. This guy was such a spaz that you'd think he'd just witnessed an alien race touching down behind his shack. Brandon and Nicole seemed positively baffled and afraid of the dude whose grasp of English words didn't seem to stretch beyond "Bravo! Bravo!". Maybe if Charla and Mirna were there, we'd have less of a communication gap. After all, these two have honed the fine art of the patronizing accent. For some reason, they still think that dropping grammatical structures ("How we go down?") and adding trills to their voices will somehow unlock the door to some global version of English which everyone understands. Berlitz this was not.

Communicating on a whole other level from the game were the twins, who continue to scamper across the globe without any sense of strategy or calculation. Amazingly, they managed to avoid being the second to last team yet again, but their ever frantic nature did not betray them. Just when I thought they'd make it through a whole episode error free, the girls committed the back to back blunders of first handling a piece of dried feces and then tumbling head first into a dirt pile. This amused the locals, and of course, me.

Chip and Kim continued their joyous romp through Egypt with Kim bemoaning her lack of participation in the challenges. Luckily, during the Roadblock, she got to dig in the sand for a scarab - which by the way was the Amazing Race's word of the day. "What's a scarab?" everyone asked (it's a beetle). The bowling moms had more pressing questions though, such as "Where's the scarab?" Poor Linda scoured her plot of land for what looked like hours, judiciously forming a massive pile of sand right in the middle. Viewers like me feared that the wee scarab was under that imposing mound, but luckily Linda finally found her wooden bug on the outskirts of her area. The bowling moms had a difficult time this episode. Not only did their cabbie take them to the wrong airport - AGAIN - but they had to start off without any money. Of course, plucky Linda and Karen managed to find a sack of apples to sell to tourists for some cashola. Where did these apples come from? Some biblical apple tree in the middle of the desert? Actually, I imagine they stole them from the Pitstop, and if I remember correctly, the Pitstop is a mandatory rest period where teams have the chance to sleep, eat, and socialize - NOT steal apples!!!! For shame!

That's okay though. I really love the bowling moms and I hope they stop going to the wrong airports. I think some of that Kami and Karli bad luck has been rubbing off on them. With any luck, one of the teams with the submissive girlfriends will drop off next week. Oh baby...

Posted by B-Side at 8:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

There really wasn’t much suspense in tonight’s episode of Big Brother, but that’s okay. I was happy to sit idly by my television and watch clueless Jase slowly realize that he had been played for a fool. After weeks of bandana domination, the Jasean Empire has finally crumbled. Turns out that Jase’s headstrong strategy of bullying his followers and mocking his adversaries only worked when he was in power, which he assumed would last forever. Of course any good player should never rely on winning Head of Household every single week because, well, that’s just idiotic – especially when so many of those competitions rely on brain matter and guessing, not styling gel and flexing. Jase’s cocky ways irked everyone - from the viewers to the contestants – which is why it’s been sweet revenge watching him squirm under the reign of Nakomis, and tonight, the brilliant “Six Finger Plan” executed one of the best blindsides in recent reality TV history by finally ensuring Jase’s nomination for Thusday’s live show. If all goes well, Jase will be the next houseguest evicted and first sequestered in the Jury House, which means one less noxious personality to clutter the airwaves. Normally, I’d be reluctant to keep a volunteer firefighter from the frontlines, but apparently in Jase’s case, being a fireman means showing up as a gay extra on Will & Grace and Arrested Development, so I don't really feel so bad anymore.

Poor Jase. He never thought anyone could be as smart as he was, but leave it to Nakomis and company to hatch a highly choreographed scheme that only people who have been bullied for five weeks have the vengeance to pull off. Call him a patsy, a mark, a punter, a rube, or a lame duck, but whatever you do, don’t call him stain free. Jase may have been playing it cool in the house this week, but if those underarms are any indication, the guy’s been sweating, and sweating hard. No shirt, tank top, or piece of fabric was safe from Jase’s underarm perspiration. When he showed up later in the episode with his spikes surprisingly flat, I couldn’t help wondering if maybe his pit stains had spread up to his noggin, rendering all Kyan Douglas endorsed hair product useless. Some people sweat bullets. This guy sweats cannonballs.

I suppose that’s to be expected when your only ally is a goofy cowboy whose breakdancing skills make epileptic seizures look artful. During one of those lighthearted segments the producers throw in to fill time, we learned that Michael has a penchant for “freak dancing” which apparently is flopping onto the ground with an arrhythmic thud. My inclination is to say that he’s a B-Boy gone bad, very bad, but since this whole “freak dance” concept is new to me, who am I to say if he’s doing it right or wrong? I guess when you’re locked in a house with nothing to do for six weeks, you start doing crazy things. Just ask Karen who seems to be turning into her own personal Gollum. Instead of focusing her energy on productive things like updating her hairstyle (with so many metrosexuals running around, you’d think one of them would give her some help), Karen shimmies up against walls and doorknobs or chats with herself in the backyard. It’s a strange habit, and it’s amazing these psychotic tendencies translate into such pedestrian artwork , but at least her cycle of emotional chaos ends with a batch of cookies. Hell, I’d keep a trainwreck of a woman around if it meant she’d bake me cookies once a day.

When Karen wasn’t regaling herself with stories about herself, she was joining the increasingly tiresome “Oh my God, they’re twins!” discussion that occurred over and over tonight. Seriously people, how many times do we have to talk about Adria and Natalie? They’re twins! We get it! I guess if you’re like Will and you’ve never been friends with identical twins, it’s exciting. Actually, no. It’s not exciting. Please CBS, no more educational segments about the burdens of being a twin. We already saw more than enough of Natalie bawling about her plight. Besides, I couldn’t really understand what she was saying anyway with all her sobs getting in the way. Something about identity and sitting across the table from Jase and blah blah blah. Let’s just have Marvin tell jokes instead.

All this stuff was well and good, but it really detracted from the best part of the episode which was watching cocky Jase parade around the house as if his charming personality and slick lines had saved him yet again. Eventually, he woke up to the plan and pouted around the veto competition in his black shades, which were probably donned not to hide his tears but his crows feet instead. For a moment I was a little bummed that we wouldn’t see Jase’s self-satisfied mug register complete shock at the veto ceremony, but then again, I didn’t realize the Six Finger Plan featured a subtle dick move designed to really stick it to Jase. Apparently, the whole crew designated Drew to be the winner of the competition so that Jase would actually think he’d have a chance to influence the veto, and of course, the sweaty one thought just that. Choirboy Drew felt mildly tormented about lying to Jase, but then he probably remembered how Jase had reduced him to tears on national television and all those reservations melted away.

At the veto ceremony, Drew and Diane had a difficult time keeping their poker faces on as they awkwardly smiled through the entire proceeding. Unlike the usual solemn pleas to the veto holder, Diane and Marvin rattled off funny, lighthearted speeches – with Diane sneaking in a lovely dis at Jase’s expense. Everyone chuckled at the proceedings except Jase, whose stony face indicated he knew it was all over. You know, he has a right to be upset. Marvin and Diane were making a total mockery of the hallowed veto ceremony, and they really should have had more respect for Jase who will have to face the hardship of being nominated. They might as well have just dressed up in stupid costumes and strutted their power around the room, you know, like Scott and Jase did… a week ago. Funny how perspectives can change.

Well, Jase will show them all, starting with Drew who he did NOT fistbump. That’s right. Drew has been dropped from the exclusive fist bump inner circle of Jase’s life, but somehow I get the feeling that Drew and the roomies care less about bumping Jase’s fist and more about kicking his butt to the curb. I guess the downside to all this is that Thursday’s live episode could be on the dull side. Still, with Julie Chen around, I’m sure bizarre moments will abound. I do wonder though if Jase will fist bump the Chenbot. That might be the most awkward moment in television history.

Posted by B-Side at 1:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

As reality shows go, the strategy for The Amazing Race is quite simple, right? Be smart about travel itineraries, especially plane flights, be efficient at the detours and road blocks, and don't waste too much time arguing with your partner. You do all of this not only to avoid being the last to finish, but to give yourself a head start at the next leg of the race. Once you have your lead, the only difficulty is maintaining the lead. This year, no team felt as secure in a lead as Colin and Christie after they put themselves over six hours ahead of the pack. With a cushion like that, it's almost impossible to piss away that position. On a show like the Amazing Race, it is entirely plausible to lose that large of an advantage, which is exactly what happened to Colin and Christie.

To be fair, Colin and Christie did not stumble because of their own stupidity. Unlike some of the contestants this year, they did not fall behind because of a poor choice at a road block or choosing the wrong mode of travel. The first leg of the race had the teams descending 350 feet into The Great Pyramid to retrieve a clue inside a burial chamber. Colin and Christie arrived for this first part at around midnight. Unfortunately for them, the passage was not open until 6 AM, virtually eliminating their enormous lead. Colin observed that the chamber was 35 stories down, which is impressive, but untrue. The passageway was a slow decent and not very steep, which probably meant they were about 50 feet below ground. Still, the passageway proved difficult for some teams, as it is not a very large space, and nobody could stand upright. Well, almost nobody. Charla bounded down the tunnel barely grazing the top of her head. Ahh, the predictable little person juxtaposition we see, oh, every 15 minutes of an episode. What a treat, not to mention a perfect picture to start a post on the show.

Continuing the Egypt theme, everybody had to fly to Luxor, Egypt to visit Karnak Temple, one of the largest temples ever created by man, although most of it was in ruins. I would have liked to see the producers visit the Valley of the Kings, but I suppose they might have lost Charla and vetoed that idea. Anyway, since there were only two or three flights available to Luxor, the teams ended up bunching together again, and all of them made it on the same plane to their next destination. Charla and Mirna managed to get in a tussle with Colin and Christi over a taxicab. And although Colin and Christi are not the most sympathetic team, they did leave their bags in the cab, seemingly in an effort to reserve the taxi for another time should they need it. Mirna's probably seeing her law firm referrals dropping by the minute.

The Bowling Moms, you may remember, were left without any money for this leg of the race. The "no money" twist was interesting. If you forgot about asking how the Moms suddenly collected all those apples they sold for money, it added a nice little twist. Luckily for them, a bunch of tourists happened upon them and were generous with the handouts. After failing to sell a single apple for fifty cents to anybody else, a busload was there to offer assistance. But even after being forced to sell apples for cab money and originally arriving at the wrong airport, they were able to make the same flight. They started over 8 hours after Colin and Christie first departed. I am familiar with these third world mass transit adventures and wasn't worried about the moms missing the flight. Things just aren't on time and, as it turned out, the plane left two hours after schedule.

In Luxor, the teams came upon the detour, a choice between herding sheep across the Nile or lugging water on a mule. Two things were obvious during this sections. One is that somebody must have told Mirna and Charla that there is a small chance of finding a spanish speaker in Egypt, because the cousins began throwing around some of their native Armenian instead. The other was that Marshall and Lance were on their lasts legs, if you catch my drift. I am not sure which one was hurt, because they are pretty interchangeable, but the injured one was barely plodding along in some sort of "I have a hot poker in my ass" sort of shuffle, not even able to make it into a jog. Call it blasphemous, but in a footrace between the injured brother, Stephen Hawking, and the old russian guy in my building with two knee replacements, it's a tossup.

The detour was uneventful, as not too many teams changed positions. The two that chose the water hauling, Colin and Christi and Brandon and Nicole, made it to the next part of the race first, with Chip and Kim and the Moms the first from the group of sheep herders to get the next leg. I will say that it was funny watching the Egyptian guy screaming "Allez! Allez" at the water haulers, and Charla and Mirna were almost dying trying to keep the sheep on their boat. Whenever Mirna takes her turn during a challenge, this team fall behind.

The roadblock proved to be very difficult for all of the teams. Teams had to search a plot of sand about fifteen feet on each side for a scarab. The scarab, or beetle, was a rock about the size of a fist buried beneath the sand somewhere in the plot. If that wasn't hard enough, most people had no clue what a scarab was. Colin thought it was a piece of a sword, but he was confusing that with a "scabard". This proved to be another point where teams that had fallen far behind were given a huge chance to catch up. Colin and Christi and Chip and Kim were fairly successful early on. The Twins used this chance to power ahead of Brandon and Nicole and Charla and Mirna and the Bowling Moms. They were so happy they were seemed to forget the scene only a few minutes earlier when Kami picked up some dried poop, realized what it was, and then nearly got sick. Although the Moms had huge difficulties, they made it to the next pit stop with plenty of time, as Marshall and Lance had not even begun to dig.

Marshall and Lance, along with being eliminated, were the first team ever to fail to complete a leg of the race because of injury. When teams are hours behind, they almost always try to finish, but Marshall and Lance gave up. On one hand, I can understand where they were coming from. They weren't enjoying the race at all, and were far behind. On the other hand, you just don't want to go out like that. One of the greatest things about the Amazing Race is all of the awesome place people visit - for free! Most teams gain some sort of appreciation for their surroundings, and even the twins commented on how awesome the Nile was, although they were probably more happy at not being last.

My favorite team is probably Chip and Kim, they enjoy the race so much and have been on a roll after surviving some huge mishaps. The Moms are always happy and have a new vigor after making it after being handicapped early on. The great irony of this episode was that Colin and Christi, after losing their huge lead, then fighting to get the lead back, won a trip to Mexico. They must have been thrilled, knowing it would take them over an hour of driving to make it to Mexico themselves. Come on CBS, can't you shell out a few more bucks and send them to the Caribbean or the Mediterranean or something? What's next, roundtrip airfare from Los Angeles to Vegas? Orange County to San Diego? Well, it doesn't really matter because the race is only going to be that much more exciting next week as the competition becomes more difficult. I hope NBC doesn't have any Olympics in primetime...

Posted by J-Unit at 12:54 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I am now convinced Jase has personally offended a network executive. Maybe he banged an exec's son?!

Living in Los Angeles, I know several actors. Many of whom make their livings working as extras (the blurry background people) on sitcoms as well as other shows. maybe once every six or seven months Ill see someone I know in the back of the bar, or walking across the beach on some show.

But somehow, twice in just as many weeks both FOX and NBC have managed to air reruns of hit shows WILL & GRACE and ARRESTED DEVELOPEMENT which show Jase, not as just a "working actor" as he claims on BB5, but rather as Hollywood’s go to gay guy extra.

This week on Arrested Development, Jase was an extra in the group of "Gay Male Strippers" trying to teach a boy a lesson....I could try to explain that, but it sounds too good just as it is.

While part of me is loving the gay light he is being put in, from WILL & GRACE WILL & GRACE to BB5 & The Mandana, to Arrested Development; another part of me is concerned with the JASATION OF TELEVISION. He has now done CBS, NBC, FOX...what’s next??

Did someone say All-Star Big Brother?

Jase dances for the boys

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 9:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

So we all know she can paint a pig, but this self described "portrait artist" has been bragging about her art since the first episode. Could she really be that good?

See for yourself.
This painting by Karen is currently up for auction on an internet website with a starting bid of $2,495. I personally think its fantastic!! But 2.5K worth of fantastic?

Let the celebrity exploitation begin!!

What would you pay?

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 8:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Memo to attack dogs of the world: you won't have Ibis to toss around anymore. In what has become a now weekly ritual of purging the team of some cancerous member, the plucky kids on Road Rules: X-Treme sent weepy Ibis to the curb. It was a surprise decision, considering that for the entire episode, all anyone could do was talk about voting off Nick, but in the end, it was Ibis who sacrificed herself to the Road Rules graveyard. What a champ.

To be honest, even with the blatant Bunim/Murray misdirection, it seemed like Nick might get the heave-ho this episode. He had all those things going against him - you know, like athletic prowess, quiet modesty, pacific demeanor. Clearly he didn't belong. Actually, the real problem he's faced since he joined the crew a few weeks ago has been his official role as outsider. Before Nick even surfaced, Patrick et al. were proclaiming their hatred for Danny's replacement, and then when Nick unsurprisingly shied away from these bitter people, they derided him for not wanting to hang out with them. Some would call it classic self-fulfilling prophecy. The Roadies would just call it "Not cool, man."

Of course, with Ibis's ouster came a new appreciation for Nick. Suddenly Derrick and Patrick, who had been the most anti-social towards the guy, retracted their previously assholish behavior with Patrick babbling that any hostile attitude towards Nick "was more playful than serious". Yeah, he's right. I mean, I often try to make someone feel like a lonely outsider to be playful. Doesn't everyone? I'm sure this change in attitude was influenced less by Patrick and Derrick's introspection than their realization that with Ibis gone, the old crew (or Road Rules X-Treme Classic) no longer holds the majority.

One thing we learned last night was that Nick finally has an ally in newbie Angela. The wardrobe designer from LA thankfully dropped her "I'm so much more mature" attitude, but curiously, that big, blue growth on her neck remained. Some might call it a flower choker, but considering that it hasn't moved in two weeks, we might be dealing with some sort of pedaled tumor.

With angst abounding in the RV, the group drove off to Buenos Aires where they met their new and, once again, increasingly hot Mission Mayors. The actual challenge this episode was somewhat better than previous ones this season, and I was pleased to see a definitive lack of blindfolds this time around. The roommates had to pair off in teams and stand on top of an eight foot platform, clutching each other's arms. A roaring (and highly unnecessary) Mac truck would zoom by and pull the platform out from under the kiddos. Team members had to jump off at the right time and land on their purdy little feet.

Everyone paired up along the lines of physical stature. Someone theorized that if a large person like Patrick teamed up with a small person like Angela, the large person would fall faster and increase the risk of failure. I guess no one ever tooks Physics 101. Otherwise they would have known that all objects fall at the same rate, regardless of size or mass. But who am I to expect, you know, any ounce of education from these guys?

Ibis, as usual, expressed doubt about the group's strategy, and in this case, she was right. They all should have paired up a weak person with a strong person so that someone could serve as an anchor upon landing. Instead, hapless Ibis wound up with Angela, who's about as unX-treme as they come. While most girls would wear a sports bra on Road Rules, Angela donned a lacey, pink, frilly thing that foreshadowed certain doom. Going first, Angela and Ibis stood upon their platform like a pair of sea lions on a rock. Basically, the truck zoomed by and they forgot that all important element to the challenge: jumping. The two girls went toppling down with a huge thud. Traumatized, Angela cried "I don't want to do it again!" Listen, it's not like you were just submitted to electroshock therapy.

When the other two teams passed with flying colors, Team Angibis climbed up the platform again and this time actually paid attention to the rate at which the truck was going. They managed to jump off in time, and some creative editing made it look like they had actually stuck the landing, but the glum Mission Mayors - who by the way aren't nearly as passive aggressive as the Santiago ones - informed them that they had failed. Slow-mo replays revealed that Ibis's ass could not defy gravity as her tush grazed the landing pad before Angela yanked her up. No oversized chokers could deny this evidence.

And so came the standard voting ceremony, but this time, Ibis actually brought an air of maturity to the proceedings by nominating herself. Wow, someone actually took personal responsibility for their actions. Knowing that they'd look like assholes if they voted Nick off in the face of this selfless act, Patrick and Derrick and Jodi changed their minds and hopped on the Ibis train. Angela didn't vote because, as she explained, she's immune to voting. Um, so if I don't want to do something, can I just say I'm immune to it? You know, like I'm immune to work, or I'm immune to laundry, or I'm immune to taxes.

As Ibis crawled into her taxi of dejection, she passionately told the team to "please win". I hate to tell you this Ibis, but it's not like there's a chance the team might lose the handsome reward. It's only you who won't get it. That's okay, you're tired. With tears in her eyes and cheesy flashbacks on the screen, Ibis rode off to become a Real World/Road Rules Challenge afterthought while Jodi waxed philosophically at the homestead: "I'm beginning to feel like a major loser."

Don't worry, babe. We knew it all along.

Posted by B-Side at 11:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

First of all I apologize to our readers for the delay in this article. This show premiered 3 days ago and I would have had this post of sooner, had it not been for the three day shower required to try to wash off the smarm which the UPN layered on me with wreckless abandon.

Billed as the hip hop Bachelorette (Bachelorizette?), the Player sets up 13 playa's all trying to out play one another for the affections of Dawn, our Bacheloreezee in the Heezee. Now, what these guys don’t know is Dawn not only knows the "game" but she herself is a self described "Playa." Ah SNAPS!

Dawn is a smokin' hot chick, who's only negative trait is her ability to speak. At times, she's white; at times, she’s Puerto Rican; at times, she's black. Some may say she has "mad flavah."

Though she is beautiful, sexy, has great legs and a playa attitude, the real entertainment comes from the "Players" themselves.

It’s as if "Two Wild & Crazy Guys" from SNL fame multiplied and were dipped in grease, tanned and then, forced to have even less of a clue. The producers had each of these guys pull up in a high end ride, flashing the bling and oozing into the house with more ego and heightened sense of self image than....well...JASE!!! It is a show cast with nothing but Puck's, Omarosa's and Jase's. I find it to be horrid, sad, disgusting and a sad reflection on the state of television today.

That said, I plan on tuning in week after week to watch this car wreck unfold.
The Player, still in its infancy, is a car accident and I'll be damned if I am not compelled to rubber neck and watch. I can only assume it will have induce enough interest for me to sustain viewing for a few more weeks at most, but even that is a true feat for the UPN, which along with AMISH IN THE CITY has finally made its mark on my TV radar.

The Player is not for everyone, but if you have the courage to watch one episode knowing its sheer and utter crap, you may enjoy it. If for no other reason their "You’re fired" and "The tribe has spoken" line is so cliché and pathetic, you may rewind your Tivo a few times to make sure Dawn actually had the gall to say it. The line : "Game over Playa." as if that’s not bad enough, she then follows it up with a head shaking "Don't hate the playa, hate the game."

Ok, I need to go back in the shower and get some more of the smarm of me; just talking about this show makes me feel dirty.

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 7:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

It's another Thursday installment of Big Brother and the anticipation for this episode was off the charts. After Diane made what some consider the dumbest mistake in the history of Big Brother USA letting Jase win the Veto competition and then compounded it by putting up Marvin, allowing for the slim chance the Horsemen could stay intact another week. If that wasn't enough for you, everybody was waiting to see how the houseguests were going to take the news of Natalie entering the house. With the new numbers, it was going to be essential for the Horsemen to win the Head of Household competition to remain a viable entity in the house.

Besides the anticipated surprises from the show, our host Julie Chen threw us a few surprises as well from her comfy spot inside the studio. Mixing it up a bit, Julie decided to leaver her right shoulder exposed this week, after baring her left shoulder last week. She sported slightly less camel toe, and her top had almost a mini train in the back, perhaps in anticipation of the rumored marriage between her and Les Moonves? In any event, Julie surprised us all by uttering something other than "But first!" when she got up from the couch. When the Chenbot is this unpredictable, you know the rest of the episode is going to be a treat.

We all knew the eviction ceremony was going to be a close one since CBS showed a majority of the contestants revealing their votes for the viewers. For me the eviction was a huge surprise, not because of who left, but because Scott hit his head before the ceremony and turned into an passably eloquent and thoughtful speaker with several good things to say to his housemates. Marvin also manages to go through his whole statement without saying "personal indictment". In the end, everybody showed Scott the door by a vote of 4-3. The Horsemen, of course, were in disbelief. You remember that only a few weeks ago, they had this game locked up, and then it bit them in the ass. How did Jase deal with his loss? By doing bicep curls of course! Ah Jase, you thought you were too smart for the game, but now you look as dumb as everybody else.

While everybody began to ponder what transpired before them, we were treated with the Scott meets Julie Chen segment. Scott was completely stunned and expressed his shock at all of the deceit inside the house, not that there was much sympathy for somebody who fabricated most of his existence in his house, starting with his fake birthday and going on to his fake job and fake birthday. In the goodbye message from the houseguests, several people mentioned how it was a very tough vote. Jase took a swipe at his friend, saying Scott is gone because Holly was gone, and he hopes he appreciated the consequences of his actions. Scott thought for a moment that Jase had voted him out, until Julie kindly re-assured him that was not the case. Scott invoked the bible as he was about to leave, saying that he believes his fellow contestants and everybody in America were left with a favorable impression, and that he was just playing a game. Well Scott, I hope you are sitting down when you start hitting the internet to find what people thought of you. So, what did Scott think of the twins? His expression nearly outdid Holly's. Finally, when asked how he felt about voting off Holly, Scott said it gave him a chance to "get closer to jase" and that was the most important, well, not if the folks at Mickey's have anything to say about it.

Julie must have loved this episode, because she got some extra work in during the time she revealed Natalie's existence to the rest of the house. She began by using some vague clues about how there was a twin playing as a pair who had switched in and out of the house. Right away, we saw how some people took the news differently. Cowboy kept on screaming that "It's Holly! I told you!" and Jase said "Scott has a twin." Adria did a great job during this segment, looking around and acting like she didn't know a thing. When Natalie walked out looking a lot like Adria, everybody cheered and started hugging Natalie. Apparently, when Julie was telling them she had been switching in and out of the house, they weren't listening, because they acted like they had never seen her. How does America tell them apart? As Natalie says "She's Bootyluscious and I'm Bootylicious". But hey, I told you that weeks ago.

Like a teenage starlet about to turn 18, there was a sense of inevitability about the rest of the episode. Scott is gone, and the girls gain another ally. Could the Horsemen win the HoH and solidify their power structure for another week? The Head of Household competition was the true/false variety asking questions about objects in the house. After everybody got the first one right, one of the funnies moments of the entire season occurred as Drew, Jase, Michael, and Marvin were all eliminated in one fell swoop after answering the same question incorrectly.

Nakomis winds up winning the Head of Household(thanks to the "Boob Shirt" as she told Diane), a move that makes many of us fans very happy. As the girls celebrated, the horsemen sat off to the side, stunned at what just took place. Each of them looked like they had already lost. I believe Nakomis has the guts and the brains and will make a very interesting head of household. There has been no sibling alliance, so there will be some intrigue if Nakomis decides to nominate her owm brother for eviction. Although the target of the house is still quite obviously Jase, it would make for some good television. The only other sure bet of this week is that Michael will spend a large amount of time crying after seeing his father's picture and that Jase is only going to get more crazy as time goes by.

Again, everybody welcomed Adria and Natalie in the house and most were impressed that they were able to pull off what they did. It is going to be interesting to see how the contestants react. Anytime a de facto alliance is sensed among the housemates, that alliance tends to be targeted. Ask Holly and Jase how much fun it was being seen as Jase's strongest ally. The degree of difficulty for Adria and Natalie has stepped up a notch or two. I would be very surprised if either of them makes it to the final three.

Posted by J-Unit at 11:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

A few people watched The Player this week. Unfortunately, we didn't, otherwise we would have noticed this plucky applicant, Kyle, from Boston. Turns out not only did he go to our alma mater, Dartmouth, but he has a twin, Matt, too. Big Green sports enthusiasts might remember the guys as those twins that played football. What are the chances that Player producers will swap the two in and out during the game, à la Adria and Natalie on Big Brother?

Okay, well, here's the dirt on these two... um, we have none. We just wanted to name drop. We do that from time to time, in case you haven't noticed. Actually, a few Dartmouth alums contacted us about this, so this is our way of saying, yes, we read the emails. Of course, if Kyle or Matt have anything to contribute to the site, we welcome it.

Until then, we'll just marvel on how UPN has suddenly registered on the TVgasm radar.

Posted by B-Side at 3:07 PM | Permalink

Anyone who lives in New York and LA (and I imagine other major cities) has seen this grating ad adorning all sorts of bus shelters and billboards. But did anyone ever realize that this armpit-baring model is none other than über-Christian Amazing Race contestant Brandon? It took the sharp eyes of loyal TVgasm reader Melis to point it out (she took the photo as well), and we're very thankful.

For the unconverted heathens who think this is merely the Devil's ruse, seek the good word at the amazingly annoying flash site of Point Zero, the fashion label that's introduced this Biblical plague on our cities.

Posted by B-Side at 2:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Yes TVgasm readers, we listen to your e-mails. Among your top requests, besides a new Big Brother video, is the theme song from The Amazing Race. The Amazing Race Theme is very addictive. Perhaps I am a little out there, but I never fast forward the Tivo when they play the song at the beginning of each episode. I even hum along, because the urge is too powerful to resist.

Click here or on the picture of Charla below to download the theme for yourself (mp3 format).

Posted by J-Unit at 10:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Arizona and New Mexico: you suck. At least that's what The Simple Life finale suggested. After who knows how many episodes in Texas, the show quickly zipped over 1,200 miles worth of Southwest territory, conveniently omitting any sort of silly drama that might ensue in AZ or NM. What's with the snub? Were there not enough kooky people willing to participate in a staged reality spectacle? Surely in Roswell there were a few looneys up for fun. Think of the possibilities! That sound editor would have had a new array of theremin tones to fool around with instead of the usual violins and boings. And let's not forget the crazy desert insects. We know Paris and Nicole have problems with moths. Just imagine them with scorpions and tarantulas and lizards. Oh Bunim/Murray. How could you have squandered this golden opportunity?

I guess I will have to content myself with happy memories of Paris and Nicole being terrorized by non-lethal insects. During the second part of tonight’s finale, when a moth fluttered into their pickup, the girls screamed like they had been besieged by a family of psychos. It was sort of like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre meets a bug zapper. Now if that moth actually had some sort of mini moth chainsaw, that would have been awesome. I don’t think those are on the market yet though.

Honestly, I could have watched a full episode of Paris and Nicole running from bugs. The pure fear on their faces is priceless and infinitely more entertaining than staged skits like the one that capped off this one hour finale. As the girls finally returned to their plush LA digs and woodenly recited their catchphrases (“loves it” yammered Nicole who seems desperate to enter something, anything into the pop culture lexicon), a fake shipping service ushered in Billy, a cow they had saved on a working ranch. Thankfully, the bovine creature represented the animal kingdom well by jabbing the bikini’d Paris with its horns.

Animals sort of had it rough on this show. Paris and Nicole’s dogs learned the meaning of gravity the hard way when Paris gunned it over the backroads of Texas. Tinkerbell and Honey were literally sent flying across the airstream trailer, and if “There’s Something About Mary” taught us anything, it’s that little dogs getting tossed around is always funny. Later, it was cows who bore the brunt of the Paris and Nicole dude ranch experience. Paris, the occasional animal activist, objected to branding cows; so she suggested a less painful substitution: lipstick. The two girls marked the ranch symbol onto the bovine population with bright red colors that surely made the cows the trampy delight of the slaughterhouse. By the way, did anyone else find it odd that after putting up a whole big fight to save Billy the cow, Paris and Nicole sent the rest of the cows off to their deaths with nothing more than a casual “Bye guys”? Thousands of hairy PETA folk are slapping their foreheads as we speak.

Paris and Nicole managed to ruffle feathers in the human world too. At the Click ranch, the girls tried to help their host, Bob, reintroduce some romance into his marriage. Yeah, okay, um, Bob, just so you know – and I’m just saying – Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton might not be the best people to rely on in this situation. I won’t say anything else except that green night vision is not romantic.

Luckily, the girls didn’t propose anything too scandalous. Instead they became reacquainted with poetry, no doubt inspired from last week’s Shakespeare in the Trailer Park debacle. Nicole wrote a silly little poem that seemed to be one long quote from the rhyming dictionary. It wasn’t very offensive, but there was some word at the end that clearly was so awful that Fox had to dub it over with “Booyah” instead of the usual beep. Shame on Fox for trying to fool us. We can hear an audio cut a mile away, thanks to years of piecemeal statements on Bunim/Murray’s other masterpiece, The Real World.

While the girls weren’t playing Cupid, they were embarrassing law officials across the land. Some dumb police department actually consented to making the girls deputies for the day. The only explanation I can think of is that Fox agreed to pay thousands of dollars to the local police benevolence association. Unsurprisingly, the law at the hands of Nicole and Paris is quite chaotic. Nicole took to turning the police prowler into a burp publicizer as she belched countless times into the car’s PA. It may have been a mockery of the police force, but it was funny. I especially enjoyed watching the girls pulling people over for no apparent reason except to shower them with “That’s hot”. Of course they didn’t spend the entire time on the road. Paris and Nicole were kind enough to serve meals to prison inmates, pleasantly informing them that the weather outside sort of sucks so they’re better off in the slammer. Yeah, rain’s a real downer. Anal rape is much better.

After finishing up the love poetry and the police enforcement and the cattle herding, the girls finally made a bee line to LA - the Spider Club specifically – where celebs like Simon Rex welcomed the duo back to the civilized world. It was an overwhelming moment, and I must admit there were tears in my eyes… but that’s because I got an eyelash stuck in there. And dammit, it’s still there. A fitting end to a summer trifle.

Posted by B-Side at 11:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

This is the season of Charla. Love her or hate her, CBS has anointed her a star, and America has responded. As Paula Abdul would say, she's taken The Amazing Race and made it her own. Okay, now I'm just talking nonsense.

Charla is the undisputed star of the season though, and that can't be denied. Some people love her spunky determination. Some people hate her manipulative use of her stature. I fall somewhere in the middle, which is odd because I'm usually the one to take definite stands on reality stars. Regardless, Charla and her helpless teammate Mirna make for great television, and tonight, they ran a stellar race without relying on the sympathy of strangers. Amigo, get el doctoro. I think I'm in a state of shock!

The biggest problem Charla and Mirna face is not Charla's dwarfism but rather their collective inability to stop using a Spanish accent with foreigners. In tonight's episode, they used the accent to ask a Russian guy where to find a cab. Now I don't mean to sound stereotypical, but this old, weathered man looked about as opposite from a Latino as I could imagine, and something tells me Spanish 101 wasn't on the Communist Middle School curriculum in 1944. It was no surprise that Mirna and Schmirna wound up without a cab.

Oh, but the ladies did try hard. Charla made a high pitch "choo-choo" toot to indicate they needed to get to the train station, but people just dismissed her as if she were a one-woman disco. Honestly, if some lady came up to me and alternatively babbled in a foreign language and then suddenly said "choo-choo!", I'd probably think it was the highlight of the day. That is, of course, after I had had her carted off to the authorities.

To Charla and Mirna's credit, they didn't spend the entire time forcing Spanish trills down everyone's throats. Mirna thanked helpful Russians with coos of "Belissimo". Granted, it would have been more appreciated in Italy, but I'm just saying.

Actually, aside from their linguistical strategies, the girls played a great game this episode. They managed to get an hour lead on their closest competitors by sneakily finding a faster plane to Cairo during their marathon layover. While other teams slept, Charla and Mirna quietly snuck away from the pack and headed to their gate. When the teams woke up and noticed the missing girls, they were annoyed, as usual, paricularly Marshall and Lance - Team Sunshine. I shouldn't really expect much from these guys who think the only thing that doesn't "suck" is a comfy couch and a bag of Chitos. When they made fun of the Russians by saying they were the most miserable people of all time, I couldn't help wondering why these guys didn't feel at home.

Noticeably more chipper though were Charla and Mirna who were poking around the pyramids while Marshall and Lance most likely berated a flight attendant somewhere over Turkey. Once again, Mirna volunteered Charla for the Roadblock - a strategy that still befuddles me. A few puzzles later and a quick horse ride across the dessert and the girls were crossing the finish line (but not before a "Lawrence of Arabia" moment, complete with swelling strings and cinematic images of Charla in the dessert).

It might have been an extremely impressive run had Colin and Christy not burned the competition by nearly six hours. The savvy travelers were bright enough to book their tickets through an agent who managed to land them in Cairo 12 hours ahead of everyone else. With such a huge lead, what else is there to do? Oh yes, waste the Fast Forward. I understand that Colin and Christy were excited about their lead, but don't they realize that hours can be lost in airports and layovers? Take a look at loveable bowling moms Linda and Karen. At the outset of the show, they managed to find themselves in a hole that threatened to place them behind the pack by a good day or so, but through the luck of monstrous layovers, they managed to catch right up. Too bad that they were hobbled by an ankle injury at the pyramids, causing them to throw around poddy language like "Dang!". This unfortunate event caused Linda and Karen to come in last, but thankfully, they were not eliminated. Sharp viewers like us here at the TVgasm offices noticed that Phil (who has now shed his Marshmellow Man down jacket for a simple t-shirt) did not say "the last team here will be eliminated" when introducing the Pitstop. The good news is that my favorite team lives to race another day. The bad news is that they've been stripped of money. No, they weren't assailed by Egyptian beggars. They were victimized by the latest twist: if you are last on a non-elimination leg, you lose your money. If there's anyone who can charm some locals into lending a hand, it's these plucky gals.

Brandon and Nicole should be thanking their lucky stars that they weren't last. I fear that they would have spent all their energy asking God to provide some sort of divine feretting device. Luckily for them, there was no eating contest this week, so they were able to power through, sort of. Chip had to assist Brandon during the Detour, which I'm sure had Jesus saying "Um, hello???? I'm standing right here!"

Chip also helped the twins, who as usual were running around like coked up chickens with their heads cut off. Karli and Kami were so flustered by the time they reached the pyramids that they literally discarded the clue and zipped around the area, looking for the next marker. Yeah, that's not a great strategy, especially when you're in the dark and the clue could be anywhere in this massive expanse of DESERT! These twins are sort of like wind up toys. They hit the ground and just go. Then again, so am I after an episode of this show.

Posted by B-Side at 2:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Do you ever lose faith in humanity? Do you ever think that idiots hold entirely too much power, and bigger idiots let them have it? I’m not really a cynic, but after last night’s episode of Big Brother, I may have to change my outlook on life. Sure, it’s only a reality show, and sure, the outcome doesn’t really affect my life beyond the world of TVgasm, but as the epic power struggle between Jase and Diane continues to shift towards the bandana’d one, there’s a nagging sense that we’ve hitched our ride onto the worst kind of leader: an idiot.

Diane, until this most recent episode, has proven herself to be a ballsy, cutthroat gal who’s not afraid to take on the bad boys. That’s all well and good, but if tonight’s episode taught us anything, this poor girl doesn’t have the mental fortitude to take the Four Horsemen down. This was most evident during the veto competition, which in this case was designed specifically to keep the power of veto away from people. The concept was simple: contestants gathered coins in their piggy bank. If someone accumulated more than twenty coins, they would be eliminated. So of course the logical thing to do would be stuff Jase’s piggy bank full of coins and be done with it. Everyone seemed to figure out that strategy, even Scott (who probably thinks a piggy bank is a where swine take out loans). Unfortunately, Diane spent so much time trying to figure out how she could win the veto that she never thought of how to keep Jase from NOT winning it. Therefore, the misguided girl diplomatically gave everyone one coin and then gave Jase a kind boost of four coins or so on top of that. It wasn’t enough to put him over the edge, but just enough to make sure he could clinch the victory.

Oy vey, Diane. It seems like when Holly left, she took Diane’s brain with her. Maybe Holly has some strange Frankenstein project with her creepy mannequin roommate. Anyway, the good news is that Diane is at least forthcoming about her lapse of brainpower. Even she had to ask how she got through four years of college. And by the way, Diane, we’re still waiting on that answer.

Sadly, this was not Diane’s only dumb move of the night. Her parting gift to the Horsemen, after assuring Jase’s veto victory, was nominating Marvin in his place. The mortician with the 1990 fade (the first and least offensive new hairstyle debuting this episode, but more on that later) was Scott and Jase’s first pick to go on the block. Adria – or actually Natalie – wisely pointed out to the women that obliging Scott and Jase on this nomination pick will just reaffirm the guys’ egos, but the twin unfortunately didn’t realize that Diane was going through a moronic phase, which meant she was going to put up Marvin anyway. My only hope was that this was a plan to completely blindside Scott, whom Diane had previously said was safe. If the Horsemen do think that they are sending out Marvin, and Scott goes instead, it will be priceless.

Now even though Diane takes the cake for making the stupidest decisions of the evening, the winner for biggest idiot is still up for grabs. As usual, Jase, Scott, and Michael are the nominees. The girls almost nabbed the title for their goofy attempts to unlock the secrets of the spy screen. Nakomis urged Diane to get in her sultan robe and slippers and command the spy screen to appear. Amazingly, this approach didn’t work. Maybe that’s because today’s technology isn’t robe powered. The girls did find the remote eventually, and with it came the realization that the guys have been hiding this semi-powerful tool from the rest of the house all this time. Adria was definitely not happy about that, but I digress. I’m supposed to be nominating biggest idiot, not angriest spy screen viewer.

First up is Jase. We already know he’s an idiot. Crafty, yes, but an idiot all the same. Tonight’s daring feat of dunderheadedness once again stemmed from the lame fashion choices he thinks will get him into Brad Pitt’s inner circle (and yes, that was double-entendre intended). Jase baffled fashion pundits everywhere by donning a single dish glove during the veto competition. Little, yellow, different, not better. The look was bizarre and decidedly untrendy, even by Big Brother standards. I couldn’t help thinking Jase looked like 1986 Michael Jackson crossed with Mr. Clean. What do I know though? Maybe dishwasher chic is the new Derelicte. Either way, I think Will said it best when he noted that Jase is “about as erotic as a wet t-shirt contest at a nursing home.”

I thought this would surely be the sartorial nadir of the episode, but Jase still had a few cards up his sleeveless T. At the veto ceremony, to accentuate his unabashed gloating, Jase slipped into some of Will’s mismatched clothes and paraded around in some glaring ensemble that was one part SS soldier, another part gay leprechaun. He also worked his hair into a funky Beelzebub ‘do with little horns sticking out the side. I guess it was an homage to his devil rep, but I don’t seem to remember Satan having purdy blonde highlights. Truth is he looked more like the lost member of Flock of Seagulls than anything else. Jase, you are an idiot.

Wow, is that Ed Grimley?

Nominee number two is Scott, who started off the episode declaring that everyone in the house genuinely likes him. So I guess the general disgust and revulsion people have for him is just an act. Scott actually believes that when he goes up for eviction on Thursday, he’ll beat Marvin. I’m not saying that couldn’t happen, but Scott believes he’ll win based on popularity. I’ll tell you one thing, he won’t win based on looks. His hair became the object of ridicule from comedian Marvin who noted that the flat-ironed mess looked like a “rooster’s ass”. So true, Marvin. Maybe he can write for TVgasm. Later, at the veto ceremony, Scott had his hair down in what was supposed to be an homage to the mentally challenged. I don’t think anyone was surprised at how easily Scott slipped into the role. Scott, you are an idiot.

Then there’s always loveable Michael – aka Cowboy. He’s not brazenly idiotic like his other Horsemen, Drew excluded. Cowboy is more old-fashion, simple mindedly dense. When the house guests had to paint piggy banks, Michael claimed his porcine artwork looked like him. Last time I looked, Cowboy, you weren’t fluorescent yellow with a red nose.

Hmmm… I thought I had more on Cowboy this week, but I don’t. So I’m going to take him out of the running, and based on my own scientific findings, I hereby declare Jase Idiot of the Week. You see, now I feel better.

Who do you think is the biggest idiot on Big Brother 5?

Posted by B-Side at 1:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

In my last article on Big Brother, I joked that Jase might have run out of some of the anti-psychotic medications keeping his mental state together. I just wanted to say that I was exaggerating a little bit; there is no way Jase functions with just one medication. Jase hasn't just run out of Valium, he has run out of Valium, Haldol, Lithium, and Xanax. I imagine that wherever he calls home, his house is probably within a 15 minute drive of a 24-hour drug store. I suspect it may be on advice of a court order. We have all seen the situation building as Jase and Scott continue to plod their way through the house with as much concern for discretion as a B-list actor at a movie premiere.

To reiterate. Jase had a problem last week after his girlfriend, Holly, was sent home packing with only his mercy vote preventing a clean sweep. Jase acted like it was OK, but after nearly flying off the deep end during the HoH competition, he found himself on the block along with his hetorosexual(?) lifemate Scott. For most of us, it was the dream scenario. Not only were we almost assured that one of them would be gone, pending the Veto competition, but we got to see what would happen when they were unable to combine their two egos together to intimidate the rest of the Big Brother house.

Ahh, the veto competition. It actually means something this year. Other than Scott neglecting to change Jase's choices the first week, the veto winner has been using their power to shake things up. Before this week's veto competition, Scott and Jase were pleading their case to Diane. You might say they were being civilized about the process. You could also say that their obvious duplicity was enjoyable to watch. Jase and Scott both succeeded in making Diane cry, but were in the HoH room within minutes of the nomination to talk strategy. Their idea? Win Veto, get Diane to put Marvin up, vote Marvin out, and the Horsemen stay intact long enough to get rid of Diane the next week.

The first step, the Veto competition, pitted Diane/Will, Jase/Drew, and Scott/Michael. Each person was isolated in a separate room of the house and one by one had to place 13 coins among six piggy banks corresponding to each of the participants, with no more than 12 in one bank. Anybody receiving over 20 chips would be eliminated, and the person closest to 20 would own the veto. Simple enough, as long as Will and Diane had some sort of concept of the game, they could eliminate Jase with no problem. And true to form, Will placed 12 chips in Jase's bank. The horsemen did their job eliminating Diane with their chips. Diane was last, and she had the power in her hand to eliminate Jase, but couldn't grasp the strategy and Jase ended up winning the power of Veto.

Oh dear.

Yes, Jase got the veto, meaning we all have to live with him for at least another 9 television days. What's worse, we had to live with Jase's veto speech in the present. Jase was, of course, very polite and didn't gloat over his power to take himself off. Hey, I can dream can't I? Jase, with Scott, came out with some sort of rehearsed poor man's version of the courtroom scene from "A Few Good Men". Or something. I couldn't tell quite what it was through Jase's crazy hairstyle and over the top speech that managed to put a gloat and a threat in there at the same time. He took himself off, and Diane managed to show how little she has thought about things when she put Marvin up for eviction, meaning there is a good possibility that the Horsemen wouldn't lose a member this week.

On a serious note, aren't you a little worried about Jase? Not only has he demonstrated paranoid rantings and a revenge complex, but he goes between manic and depressive more and more. Hey, I'm not saying he is bi-polar. As the song goes, "I'm so happy, 'Cause today, I found my friends, they're in my head". But hey, whatever works. He will tell you all of this is strategy, but starting next week, evicted houseguests are sequestered to vote on the final contestants, and if there is anything such as Karma in this world, they should meet their fate there. Like Diane trying to get the spy screen to open, let's all pray that is the case.

Diane made a dumb play. Not only would she have caused more rifts in the Horsemen by nominating Michael, she could have told Marvin he owed her one because she kept him off. I really think Diane got psyched out by Jase's ranting at the end. Even if Marvin is simply a pawn to get Scott out, all too often the pawn gets voted out. Thank God Natalie is about to enter the house, throwing away a big chance for the Horsemen to keep their numbers should Scott leave the house. With Natalie in the house, the numbers stay out of their favor for at least another week, which gives us another week to see if their alliance implodes upon itself.

Posted by J-Unit at 11:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

A month ago I posted about the latest casting news for Bunim/Murray Productions' latest masterpiece, The Real World/Road Rules Battle of the Sexes 2, premiering this fall. Well, I'm happy to report that we have the final cast list up and running. And surprise surprise, it's full of repeat offenders, migraine-inducing attention whores, and just generally annoying individuals. It's like watching middle schoolers, but it's sort of more pathetic because unlike middle schoolers, these guys are all, you know, in their twenties.

Actually, scratch that last comment. Some of these people are in their thirties, like Real World stalwart Eric Nies, who returns for his umpteenth Bunim/Murray tie in. He's not really annoying, per se. He's just sad and lame. Come on Eric. Let's pack this one up and call it a day. Maybe the good people at MTV will arrange a senior tour for people like Eric and Timmy and Puck, but instead of bunjee jumping and eating crazy insects, they do insane things like writing up a resume or visiting a career councellor.

Eric is joined by his old Road Rules 1 buddy Mark Long, who promises to have an even bustier chest than previous seasons. Dan, formerly of Road Rules Northern Trail, will be back again as well. I think I speak for everyone when I say that I hope this nice guy has dropped his ill-advised attempt at Los Angeles trendiness. Those of you with keen memories may remember Dan's big sunglasses and weird facial hair on The Battle of the Seasons three years ago. It was terrible. Almost as bad as The Miz's frosted faux-hawk. Almost.

Ace also returns to prove that he is not in fact the huge pussy that The Inferno made him out to be. I liked Ace a lot in his Paris season of The Real World, but even I couldn't deny how completely lame it was for him to go scampering away after only three seconds in the Inferno challenge. Maybe he's coming back this time because he heard there's going to be an emphasis on oversized hats and goofy party-wear.

Giving Chris Rock a run for his money is returning yukster Darrell. Okay, maybe he's not that funny. Okay, maybe he's not funny at all. Okay, maybe a dinner theater in the Catskills wouldn't even hire him, but at least the guy's got... uh... gag costume teeth. Oh wait, he does have a redeeming quality. He made fun of Adam from RW Paris last season. Fantastic.

Shane from Campus Crawl will join the cast again, which is good because we'll need his gaydar to help us figure out what the deal is with Challenge virgin Chris from South Pacific. For those of you unaware of what I'm talking about, a month ago, we stumbled upon a Friendster profile that had us scratching our heads about Chris's true identity. You can check it out here. Speaking of ambiguously gay, Road Rules X-Treme duo Patrick and his sidekick Derrick fill out the men's team. Look for a showdown with fellow master/sidekick dynamo, The Miz and Abram.

And now the ladies. If the men's macho posturing is the appetizer, the women's petty squabbles are the entrée, and quite possibly the dessert too. Reviled Real World LA castmate Beth (aka Osama Beth-Laden) is back to prove that she's not entirely evil. Luckily, next to the likes of Veronica, Coral, and Katie, she'll look like Mother Theresa. She'll be joined by Genesis who hates the whole experience so much that she just has to sign up for another challenge.

Speaking of poo-pooers, brand new Road Ruler Angela has already found a Bunim/Murray afterlife in this season of The Challenge. Last night, in her Road Rules debut, Angela complained that everyone seemed really immature and frathousey and ignorant to the stresses of a real job, etc. Guess what Angela? The Challenge isn't necessarily known for people with maturity (see Veronica) or working world experience (see Veronica) or non-sorority house behavior (see Veronica). So don't act like you don't know what you're getting into.

Angela will be accompanied by current Road Ruler Ibis, who will undoubtedly try to work her way into the strange name clique dominated by fellow team members Aneesa, Ayanna, and Arissa. Sadly, the lack of double letters and "A"s at the beginng and end of her name will keep her on the JV squad with Genesis.

Last and certainly least is my old favorite, Tina. With a voice that sounds like a blue whale, Tina has terrorized the MTV airwaves for the past year. When she's not trying to one-up people on their traumas, this motormouth is investigating new and annoying ways to get in your face. Sometimes I think it would be more pleasant to brush my teeth with a chainsaw than deal with Tina. Bunim/Murray's only salvation for throwing her in our faces yet again is the mighty resurrection of Cynthia from Miami, who replaces the noxious Jisela (she backed out just before filming). This shrill but amusing woman will most likely be the only person on her team, and perhaps the entire show, who has any sort of brain. And that of course means that she'll be voted off first.

To see a full list of the teams, check out TV Tome.

Posted by B-Side at 4:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I truly dont know what to say...This photo speaks for itself.

In the off chance you dont see what I see, what is the purple thing in the bucket Scott is walking away from?

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 1:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

If you're like me, you spent the past week in a state of anxiety - perpetually wondering which brave soul, which dedicated teammate, which selfless martyr would go home on last night's episode of Road Rules X-Treme. And by state of anxiety, I mean not caring at all. Yes, a few years ago the Road Rules producers added the Survivor touch of forcing a teammate out if two missions were failed. It was an interesting addition, but these days, the twist really only serves to further pad the stable of attention-seeking Bunim/Murray stars who clamor for another shot at the big time with the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Personally I think these people should take a cue from Smarty Jones and go out to stud. Except instead of breeding, they should just... go away.

For those of you who can't remember last week's RIVETING episode, the Road Rulers failed a convoluted mission involving a helicopter, diamonds, and blindfolds. Jodie became the de facto scapegoat for the failure (based on no real evidence), but when it came time to vote off someone's pretty little face, the team opted for a "fair" strategy. They all put their names in a hat and whichever name was drawn the most would go.

This week, we returned to the scene of this emotional ceremony where the girls huddled together as if they were about to be devoured by a bear. Jodie was kind enough to bring a roll of toilet paper to the proceedings. I imagine it was for the tears, but maybe she had a bad case of the runs too. Nevertheless, the kids all picked names, and for a while, it looked like their stupid voting scheme was going to go down in flames since everyone had a vote except Patrick. But then plucky Kina pulled that final fateful name: her own. Oh the irony! Must... come... to grips... with vote... before... Kina montage... Eh, too late. While Kina sobbed melodramatically in the trailer, the producers obliged us with a Greatest Hits compilation of the Jersey Girl in all her snot-trail glory. And then just like that, a Chilean cab ferreted Kina away. Everything happened all so quickly. It was like she was an illegally doodled tree that had to be erased!

Of course crying abounded, even from Nick, who's known Kina for all of forty-seven minutes. I think he was just trying to connect emotionally with his teammates, but as far as I can tell, they still think he's a production assistant with the crew. The good news for him was that Kina's ouster meant a fresh face to join him in pariah land. This week's new victim: Angela.

As I've said many times before, I always brace before we meet the new people in fear of a retread of South Pacific's Tina - you know, grating, annoying, stupid, loud. Luckily Angela was fairly lowkey, but her chill "I go to White Lotus, not Miyagi's" attitude only thinly veils her inner-drama queen. After her first five minutes in the RV, everyone already knew her entire life story, including even a rape confession. Anyone who divulges this much info to strangers on national television without a hint of self-censoring usually has a mild penchant for attention, and lots of it.

Angela revealed that she was raised as a Jehova's Witness, which meant she wasn't allowed to comingle with non-followers - except, you know, to knock on their doors and annoy them. Patrick then asked if Angela if she was still with the church. Uh, Patrick, did you hear what she said? I don't think parading around South America in intimate living quarters with strangers on national TV really equates to "not comingling with non-followers".

Anyway, Angela said she was raised in Philly, then NY (I believe. My Angela geography is a little rusty since it was so memorable), and then moved to Los Angeles a year and a half ago at the ripe age of 20. Hmmm... I wonder if this burdgeoning reality star is a wannabe actress? She claims she's a wardrobe manager, and of course, no actresses ever take day jobs in wardrobe or hair or makeup.

This would probably explain her general Holier Than Thou attitude she sported last night. At 22, she complained that she was older than most of the Roadies - a fact I was first happy to embrace. Angela was quick to note that she had real world experience (not the Bunim/Murray kind) and had a real job and lived in a real city and therefore her issues are more "real". So why exactly did you come on this show? Oh that's right, because you're just as superficial as the rest of them.

Anyway, there was a stupid challenge that involved the kids traversing a tight rope as a group. Nothing really remarkable happened there except Ibis proved to be an idiot and Jodie felt redeemed as a master communicator. I could detail how this all happened, but honestly, do we really care? No.

Let's just be happy to have a new target to channel all our Bunim/Murray rage onto.

Posted by B-Side at 12:12 PM | Permalink

We here at the Gasm aren't really known for our speculation or suppositions and I am not about to begin throwing accusations .

Some news orginizations have reported Nick Carter beat Paris Hilton which lead to their break up. While some have said Paris Hiltons bruises were caused by a Rolling Stone S&M photo Shoot.

I personally think either is a possibility, but both are hard to believe. At what point in a photo shoot does a photographer think he has the empowerment to punch an heiress in the face? And in what world do we live in that I can easily believe a backstreet boy is capable of physical abuse?

I cannot come to any conclusive decision, thusly, I once again leave it up to you the TVGASM reader. Here are the photos, do you think the personality we have all seen in THE SIMPLE LIFE and other videos would allow a photographer to let a shoot get this out of hand? Do you think Back Street Boy, Nick Carter, could cause such damage?

YOU DECIDE

(17K) 372 x 480	(29K) 457 x 480	(32K) 470 x 480	(30K) 463 x 480
(20K) 336 x 480	(28K) 439 x 480	(30K) 410 x 480	(31K) 433 x 480

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 11:05 AM | Permalink

Most programs on television today ride try to climb the slippery slope to success. On one hand, your show must feel new and edgy to do well. If it is boring or doesn't bring something new to the table, you bore your fans and the network execs may not even let it get out of the pilot stage. On the other hand, your show can't be too far out there, or you won't find a mass audience to stick around. If the execs think your show is only going to last six episodes, they would rather throw some reality programming together on the cheap and let that ride for six weeks instead. North Shore fits on this hierarchy of quality wherever they place good concepts saddled with mediocre acting and unfocused writing.

As we open the episode, Morgan and Nicole prepare to elope. It is everything Nicole has dreamed of, namely sticking one to her father who makes most of the decisions in her life for her. The problem with this plan happens to be her betrothed, who is more interested in making his father-in-law happy than his future wife, probably because he cares more about his six figure job than having Nicole all to himself. Morgan tells Nicole's father, Walter Booth, of their plans to elope, and he makes it just in time to stop the wedding bells (and racing through oncoming traffic to do so).

This brings me to the part of the article where I usually complain about Gabriel ruining most of the episode. Gabriel got the love last time, so we should switch on over to get a little more Frankie. We all assume that he is simply a huge stoner, and normally I would say the state of his room further proves that assertion, but in this case, perhaps I am wrong in my first assumptions. Frankie's room happens to be next to MJ's, and he can't get any sleep with Chris and MJ fornicating and making all sorts of noise. When Frankie moves to the couch, MJ and Chris, come out to watch some TV. Instead of going back to his room (I guess Chris has more game than we think), Frankie takes his blanket to the beach. The beach provides no respite as Frankie's dreams are interrupted yet again, but this time it's not MJ. No, Frankie is actually hit by a rock.

Apparently some hot girl was wandering the beach throwing rocks into the ocean. And although the rock draws blood, Frankie is in luck because this woman, Monique, also likes having sex with strangers. Forgetting all hope of getting more sleep, Frankie at least makes up for the night by tapping that ass. I am willing to allow some pretty crazy scenarios go by without too much thought. Hey, I didn't complain that much when MJ and Chris ran into rogue pot farmers. But this was really strange. If I just hit somebody in the head with a rock, I would run the other way, not go over and see if they were OK, especially if I had the aid of darkness. And if this hot woman did want to have sex with me, I would take her back to my room and make lots of noise so my inconsiderate roommate could get a taste of her own medicine. Any girl who jumps you on the beach is bound to be a screamer.

As you can imagine, Jason has almost accepted defeat. He has tried kissing Nicole back to her senses, and tried warning her that her fiancee really likes a little tail on the side. Nicole never listened and we see that Tessa is ready to sweep down and pick up the pieces. I say it's about time Jason starts hooking up with hotel employees again, after making his way through several guests. Yet before those two can go at it, there is a little matter of Walter Booth staying at the hotel. Walter is not only Nicole's father, but also Vincent's main rival. We already know Morgan is casing the hotel for Walter, what we don't know is that Tessa is feeding him dirt on how to make a buyout easier, interested only in moving up the chain a little bit. Remember, she is poor and thriving for some upward mobility.

Complicating things further, Walter decides to throw Nicole's wedding at the hotel. She can have the intimate ceremony she always wanted, but he still gets enough of a scene to get into the society pages. In the two days before the nuptials, Walter spends him time alternating making offers to employ some people, and threatening others with their jobs. He learns that Jason is really the energy behind the property and so Walter offers Jason six figures to join his team. Jason has always been loyal to Vincent, but he also knows that Vincent has never come completely clean with him and that is a bother. After catching Monique speaking with Frankie, Walter suspects something is up, and threatens Frankie's job should the bartender find his way into Walter's p-wagon. What Frankie, you didn't know Monique was my wife? I was wondering where the hell she was last night.

No wedding is right without a bachelor and/or bachelorette party, and that maxim holds true on North Shore. MJ, feeling sorry after hearing the wedding is geared more for Walter's enjoyment than Nicole's offers, to get drunk with Nicole. Don't forget, dear reader, that Nicole's friends already came over and trashed the place(and MJ punched one), so they aren't an option. What followed was the saddest bachelorette party in history. OK, maybe not the worst. I saw some poor bride to be at Red Rock once. She had one friend with her and they weren't even drinking. At least MJ and Nicole were trying to get smashes, and they had that whole good looks thing going for them as well.

The bachelor party went a lot better. Morgan was able to call some of his fraternity brothers on short notice, knowing no guy refuses boobies, especially if those boobies are enhanced by mass quantities of alcohol. After a noise complaint, Tessa goes to break the party up. Morgan laughs at her and throws her a couple of c-notes to either leave or take her top off. After a knee to the groin, Morgan falls to the ground, and his buddies won't leave Tessa lone. Luckily, Jason was in the hotel, using his newly-found information on Monique and Frankie to extract some info on Walter from Monique, who naturally feels trapped. Jason makes it to the party suite just in time to deck Morgan and save Tessa, who is quickly realizing Jason might be a little fun in the sack as well.

With all of this craziness going on, how could Nicole go through with the wedding? The answer is that she couldn't. Clearly Morgan and Walter were made for each other. Nicole was meant for Jason, so she rushes to his bungalow thinking of the steamy make up sex that is bound to happen after two long years of petty arguments. Trouble with that plan is that Jason has moved on with Tessa. Jason could have saved her from embarrassment by closing his door, but he left if open and this Nicole had no trouble popping in while Tessa was riding Jason for all he was worth. To "top it off", Tessa not only notices Nicole, but has no problem with it. Skankalicious.

While not completely unenjoyable, this episode of North Shore suffered from predictability and some of the worst cuts in the history of television. The writing was not tight at all. Hopefully the writers have something better up their sleeves because, as of now, this show seems to have little hope to continue past the summer in its current state.

Posted by J-Unit at 9:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Fans of Big Brother 5 know that reigning metrosexual Jase has a significant obsession with Brad Pitt - so much so that he models all behavior, appearance, and activities around the Troy star. Unfortunately, his Pitt-dar crossed signals with his Sliver-dar because these days he's looking more like Catwoman sideshow Sharon Stone. Take a look for yourself:

I swear we do things other than write mindless drivel about Big Brother contestants...

Posted by B-Side at 2:49 PM | Permalink

Needless to say, one of the most important things in the Big Brother house is communication.

Jase and Scott have been dominating the household, and since it appears this week will be the last few days in the BB5 house for one of them, I thought it was appropriate to achnowledge their gameplay and secret strategy.

From Morse code to Windtalkers, secret language has always been an intregal part to success int he battlefield. Scott and Jase, both of whom are undoubtedly learned in the art of subterfuge, have taken a subculture's almost dead, secret language and revived its use it as means of silent communication within the house hold to share with one another, their mood, wants and desires within the BB house.

That's right, the Scott and Jase "Mandana" look, is not just for fashion but a shrewd strategy.

What follows is information Scott and Jase do not want you to see...

Thanks to a TVGasm reader, we were given the following history of the hanky code and chart indicating its meaning.

GAY HANKY CODES

The Hanky Code is a traditional form of signalling to others what your
sexual preferences and interests are. Gay men used this code to communicate
with each other in the noisy and distracting environment of gay bars. Although
not as widely used these days, it is still a worthwhile resource and is,
among those who know, a great conversation starter.

Can't remember what sort of mandanas Jase and Scott wore? Fear not, we offer you some examples for you to decode yourself:

(9K) 355 x 254	(25K) 375 x 281	(16K) 310 x 216	(15K) 316 x 236
(4K) 140 x 106	(3K) 140 x 106	(7K) 150 x 113	(8K) 364 x 257

Posted by madeyoulaugh at 10:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Quick. Raise your hand if you also think M. Night Shyamalan really only owns one movie script. To make a new movie, he simply inserts some changes in location and characters to make everything seem unique. What we have left are movies with fairly obvious twists. Still, the people at TVgasm couldn't help but wonder what would happen if somebody were to do a movie on M. Night's life or E! needed somebody to do a re-enactment for a true Hollywood story? Who will play Mr. Shyamalan? And although the chances are about as slim as on Olsen twin after an hour in the Sauna, we offer to end such controversies before they happen. That's why the TVgasm casting couch nominates Jai Rodriguez of Bravo's Queer Eye for the Straight Guy as the actor for all of your Shyamalan look-alike needs.

Look at the hairline! Look at the cheek structure! If Jai let his eyebrows go, left a little gel out of his hair, and forced himself to wear a cotton polo shirt, he could pass as M. Night any day of the week. You can thank us later.

UPDATE

Loyal TVgasm reader IndianJones believes he should also be in consideration of any M. Night impersonation gigs, perhaps on public access. As always, we let the reader decide.

Posted by J-Unit at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I have to admit, I saw this scenario from a mile away. Jase goes to pieces after his best friend and sleeping partner is thrown out of the house. I guess the only thing that was different from my scenario is Jase is actually crying about Holly's eviction, while we all thought it would be Scott. Details, details. After Holly's eviction, there was clearly a few ways Jase could take the news. A) Sulk and admit defeat, quietly living his last few days in the Big Brother House. B) Realize his power structure in the house is rapidly failing and re-evaluate his alliance. C) Go completely mental and seek his revenge on everybody who remains. There aren't that many people left who can stomach Jase's antics, but we all must applaud the fact he chose for option C, almost guaranteeing every week Jase remains will be one to thoroughly enjoy.

The viewers received another Big Brother first for the season on Thursday as the house guests competed in the first endurance challenge of the season. With the Horsemen down an ally in Holly and the Girls determined to continue their winning streak, this endurance competition promised to be a good one. This competition forced the contestants to stand on an apparatus featuring a life-size cutout of themselves with a button in the middle of the face. Each person had to keep a finger on the button or they would be eliminated. After a certain amount of time, the remaining players were told they couldn't switch hands, and after a little bit longer everybody learned they had to keep their feet planted on the ground, preventing any stretching to relieve leg cramps and the like.

The rule preventing hand switching caused most of the early problems, including bringing Michael to tears after he was eliminated from the competition. He had to rely on support from a shoulder he says he injured just a few days before entering the Big Brother house. After his elimination, Jase and Scott started making fun of him. Although nobody really needed more proof that Scott and Jase had no love for Michael other than adding to their own numbers, I suspect that Michael will continue with his relationship "friends" as if nothing happened. The only other interesting disqualification was Scott. Once again proving he has more than enough mental capacity to deserve a place in the house, Scott eliminated himself after placing his hand on his cutout for support, a move previously forbidden by Big Brother decree. Surprisingly, it took a mention from Diane to point out this breakage of the rule, but Scott was eliminated. As expected, Scott and Jase chastised Diane for being a narc.

After several more eliminations, only Jase and Diane survived. I know a lot of you out there were hoping that we would see some people pee themselves a la Jun and Alison in last year's cage competition. Either nobody had to use the bathroom (somewhat believable) or CBS put the kibosh on watersports, because were afforded no such public humiliation segment. What we got instead was almost as good, with Jase trying several attempts to psych-out Diane including and Diane mostly ignoring Jase. Jase became increasingly nutty and started some crazy gyrations to go along with his words of intimidation. Sadly, this flailing accomplished nothing other than eliminating Jase from the competition after he moved his foot during some of his antics. 10 hours in the same position can do that to a person.

Many a viewer rejoiced at the thought of Diane as HoH. My personal faves in the house are Diane, Nakomis, and Adria/Natalie. The first two seem to be the only people in the house hell bent on scheming up a storm to destroy the Horsemen, and I am gunning for Adria/Natalie because I like the twist and it will become either really great or really bad for them once they are both in the house. Diane further solidified my support for her after the nomination ceremony and she elected to put up Scott and Jase. Yes, America, we have been waiting for this day. The Veto competition is going to be interesting. Who does Scott pick? Who does Jase pick? Scott and Jase each won a veto competition, so there is a good chance we won't see them as the final pair. We like to keep ourselves in suspense by staying away from the live feeds, so Tuesday's episode is going to be a good one. Even if one of them wins the veto, it is likely the last week for one of the two. Perhaps Scott can help his cause be telling Jase he is going to go after Holly if he is evicted.

Whatever the outcome this week, we will all enjoy watching Scott and Jase flail around in desperation( or was that in ecstasy?) as we enjoy one week where they aren't on the bully pulpit.

Posted by J-Unit at 9:08 AM | Permalink