I've heard of dysfunctional families, but when it comes to the Bauers on 24, they seem to really take the cake. First mom was killed by dad's ex-mistress (who turned out to be an international spy/assassin/general evil-doer). Then daughter ran off with dad's partner, only to dump him for her psychologist. Now comes word that Jack's dad might be gay or might be a playboy or might be any number of things, and let's not even get started on the brother. Yes, it's time we deployed Dr. Phil because quite honestly, if this family doesn't get it together, the world might end. Literally.
This week's episode began as all 24 episodes begin: with a lengthy recap of what's happened already in this terrible, terrible day. Basically, some serious shit went down. And I'm not just talking about some silly inconvenience like a few canisters of nerve gas going missing or an unfortunate presidential assassination. I'm talking about hardcore nuclear bombs going off. That's right, in case you missed it, a dreaded mushroom cloud dethroned Six Flags Magic Mountain as the reigning tourist attraction in Valencia, CA as a nuclear device obliterated the suburban community. Oddly enough, the city probably looks better now than it did before the bombing, but that's neither here nor there.
Anyway, while I mourned the loss of the Valencia Red Lobster (R.I.P., cheesy rolls), the rest of country stood in shock as they watched the mushroom cloud float on to the heavens. A solemn news reporter noted that this was the worst attack ever on American soil, clearly overlooking the incident two years ago when terrorists caused a nuclear meltdown (R.I.P., Edgar's mom) and that time when an atomic bomb destroyed some of the rural California/Nevada desert (R.I.P. Mason). Nevertheless, this was all pretty bad, and already, estimates were coming in that 12,000 people had perished in the blast. If this all sounded incredibly bleak to you, fear not. There was one glimmer of hope: if memory serves me correctly, last I heard, our old friend Chase was working at a security firm up in Valencia. So chances are he's dead now. That's what I call progress.
Well, atomic bombs can only mean one thing: time to dig out the generic Presidential bunker set. Yes, just when it seemed like our President might be privileged enough to work out of the Oval Office for a season (instead of a rural retreat, a hotel room, or an airplane), some forgettable White House aid informed Lil' Wayne that it was time to go downstairs to the bunker, or as I like to call it, "The More Serious Looking Set." However, just because the Prez and his posse were heading underground didn't mean that he was disappearing from the public eye. Quite the contrary. Wayne told some woman that he wanted to address the public within the hour, which was nice and all, but I had a feeling he'd probably just yap on about the nuclear bomb when clearly, the more pressing issue is how he got into office in the first place. Some explanation would be most welcomed.
Anyway, the producers cued up the pounding "Walking To The Bunker Very Seriouosly" music, and soon we were at the aforementioned bunker, which was a) a carbon copy of the season two bunker in Los Angels, and b) certainly lacked the feminine touch of Laura Bush. C'mon, now. Just because the country was in danger didn't mean there had to be a moratorium on floral arrangements. Someone liven this place up a little.
Well, the administration may have been firmly locked away underground, but that didn't mean Karen Hayes couldn't still pick up a solid cell phone signal. She called up her hubby Bill and asked, "Are you alright?" Of course, in my mind, she then ended that sentence with "Sweetie pie?" The two lovebirds promised that they'd keep each other in the loop, and Bill announced that Asad was coming in to CTU for an interrogation. Meanwhile, over by the computers, Chloe was talking to her own lovebird -- the improbable Morris. Chloe was in shock over Curtis and wanted to know, "Why do people I know keep dying?" Poor Chloe. Death just seems to follow her. Maybe she should change professions. I know -- she could work at a nursing home! Oh wait...
To make her feel better, Morris leaned in and told Chloe, "You know I'm here for you, right?" Yes. Unfortunately. Memo to producers: next time you decide to kill someone awesome (Curtis, Edgar, Tony), please consider a douchebag instead (Morris, Milo, Kim's psychiatrist boyfriend).
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Comments (24)
It's probably no more plausible, but . . . . Jack asked Chloe if Grey-ham was still at the Malibu address. She said no he's in Indian Hills? I think. Anyhow, not Malibu. . . .
1 of 24 | Posted by em
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Posted on January 23, 2007 1:50 PM
Great recap, B-Side. I am so glad you and J-Unit are still writing them. The 24 recaps are how I first fell in love with tvgasm, you nymphs you.
The show started disappointingly. The helicopter scene was a dumb non sequitur. I thought the family connection was too soap opera-ish but when Jack pulled out that lamp wire I knew it was ON. Say, Grey, did you know Paul Raines?
2 of 24 | Posted by Jennifer30309
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Posted on January 23, 2007 2:02 PM
Eww, why are the screencaps "fullscreen" and not widescreen?
3 of 24 | Posted by gamera87
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Posted on January 23, 2007 2:11 PM
Pure Genius, "It's not like we've ever had a season of 24 when the terrorist has opened a metal briefcase to reveal not an atomic bomb but several teddy bears and a dancing Coke can. It just doesn't happen."
I figured that kid was probably Jack's son too.
And Walid is gonna be dead soon (if I had to guess based on the terrorist at the playgrounds response)
4 of 24 | Posted by cincy_josh
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Posted on January 23, 2007 2:25 PM
They mentioned that the vice-president had been notified, but didn't say who that was AND there were no gender pronouns used (he or she). I'm secretly hoping its Martha Logan!!!
5 of 24 | Posted by lovinit
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Posted on January 23, 2007 3:00 PM
I really really wished I could have seen your and J-Unit's reaction when it was revealed that Gray is Jack's brother - and also when Jack punched him in the face. I am not sure I like the whole love child twist, how does it fit into the timing of the back story? The kid is younger than Kim, so could that be the reason Jack and Teri were separated? But no wonder Gray is an evil guy - if you are the brother of Jack Bauer then there is nothing you can ever do to be better than your brother, except to be an evil American shadow conspiring with terrorists.
6 of 24 | Posted by Bauer's Sweetheart
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Posted on January 23, 2007 7:10 PM
By the way...Regina King was "Brenda", not "Sauuuuundra."
7 of 24 | Posted by realitybred55
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Posted on January 23, 2007 7:46 PM
"Bitch, I know you might be scared, but use a damn crosswalk!"
That was so friggin funny I thought the same thing
8 of 24 | Posted by luvly_grrl
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Posted on January 23, 2007 8:03 PM
Yesss! Torture within the first 5 hours, this really is turning into a great season.
At first, I thought the blonde girl that the British guy picked up was Kim Bauer. That would have been an interesting twist, Kim working for the bad guys too.
9 of 24 | Posted by mangos
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Posted on January 23, 2007 9:50 PM
Thanks for recapping this awesome/retarded ep, B-Side. And don't fret--the Cheddar Bay biscuits at any Red Lobster are equally delicious.
I'll also be pissed if Berooz doesn't reappear this season...is it too early for him to suddenly become Chloe's new operator buddy? He could be the new Kim.
Other random observations:
1. Regina King sucks!
2. The random, seemingly inconsequential dude Jack rescued from the helicopter will lead us to an inevitably lame subplot.
3. I wasn't buying the level of chaos in the streets of the greater L.A. area. Confused girl running across moderately populated backlot does not a nuclear holocaust make. The limits of 24's production values reached!
4. Did anyone else notice that suddenly Jack Bauer's family controls the fate of the entire nation...and that 24 suddenly morphed into Metal Gear Solid? Still, absurd and shark-jumping as it's become...I'm loving it.
10 of 24 | Posted by shank
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Posted on January 24, 2007 12:11 AM
Yeah, B-Side; how DID Wayne get to be Prez? Was there some special election in those 20 months? And what qualified him?
That helicopter thing-unnecessary, but must have been put in to show Jack's prowess at coming back to his normal, superhuman self. But he couldn't have opened that helo door with a flimsy TV antenna the way he did.
Is it me or is Peter McNicol hamming things up with his "reasonable, calm" demeanor? He talks like a goddamned robot, for Christ's sake! Even his rebuke to the argumentative admiral was said in an even, boring voice. I still say he'll turn out to be in cahoots with the terrorists.
I was blown away when we discovered Dr. Romano (Grey) was...Jack's BROTHER? Why was this fact not known last year when he was pulling all the strings to kill his brother and a whole bunch of other people? Why didn't President Pussy narc on him after he was apprehended? In fact, where the hell is President Pussy? I read somewhere Martha's going to be in the cast a little later on, so maybe there's hope.
So far, so good, and Fayed is the easiest-to-hate terrorist so far.
Bring back the hoodie of inexhaustible gadgetry!
11 of 24 | Posted by Tony A.
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Posted on January 24, 2007 5:34 AM
The family that tortures togather.... Stays togather!
12 of 24 | Posted by NickelBagofFunk
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Posted on January 24, 2007 5:40 AM
I thought that was Kim too mangos. I figured she would jump in the car and be like what's up Grandpa making all of Jack's family evil. No such luck. :-)
13 of 24 | Posted by cincy_josh
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Posted on January 24, 2007 5:57 AM
This has next to nothing to do with this particular episode of 24 but I was watching the incredibly lame Vegas Vacation this weekend and I'm fairly certain that Nadia was playing Audrey Griswold.
14 of 24 | Posted by wniffene
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Posted on January 24, 2007 6:33 AM
Powers Boothe as the vice-president? F-ing right!
15 of 24 | Posted by Firthguy
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Posted on January 24, 2007 9:42 AM
B-Side,
With all due respect to J-Unit and everyone else, you are THE BOMB!
Keep up the good work.
(But don't expect to take over my Jack Bauer man crush)
16 of 24 | Posted by Testiculon
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Posted on January 24, 2007 10:28 AM
Firthguy---Powers Boothe???? Cy Tolliver as the VP???? That would be TOOOOOO fuckin' awesome!!!
It was a literal OH MY GAWD moment when they revealed that Bluetooth Mafia man was Jack's bro. I mean, damn....and when Jack pulled out the lamp cord, I could smell burning Paul Raines. But,as my friend Lisa says, Jack has over 101 uses for a lamp cord!! She also has a theory that the Goddamn paterfamilias of the Bauer clan is who McCarthy is trying to get to hook up the nukes.
Oh, and I totally agree with the Jack love child idea. Nice to see Rena Sofer get out of that wheelchair that Nathan put her in.....
I LOVE Monday nights now!!!!
17 of 24 | Posted by cruella_deville
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Posted on January 24, 2007 11:30 AM
LOVED the Wes grows up to be Graham comment. So true - that's what the Human Marshmallow will look like when he's old and bald.
Yeah, if that kid turns out to be Jack's kid that's gonna be lame.
President Wayne sucks. So. Much. Ass. The only scenes I'm digging are CTU and Assad scenes. And Assad's about to head to DC - can't wait to see how short that flight is in 24time.
18 of 24 | Posted by pbjunkie
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Posted on January 24, 2007 2:21 PM
Is it wrong for me to giggle like a 6th grader at a torture scene? That was freakin' AWESOME! Go ahead, Jack, and introduce bro to the world of pain.
Romano being Jack's brother is a kick-ass twist, btw. Of course, now I'll have to fire up my Season 5 DVDs to review Graham's many phone conversations.
Rena Sopher, Marisol Nichols...evidently 24 raided the "Blind Justice" cast list bargain bin (sigh, tragic that I know that). It's just a matter of time until Ron Eldard shows up to temporarily replace a misunderstood Bill Buchanan.
19 of 24 | Posted by HicksPub
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Posted on January 25, 2007 8:18 AM
A little late, but here's the URL on where I found out about PB (Powers Boothe, that is..) 3rd paragraph down.
http://www.torontosun.com/Entertainment/Television/2007/01/24/3438059-sun.html
I agree with Wayne Palmer sucking as the president. I thought my stereo settings were screwed as I could barely hear what the hell he's saying half the time over the background music. Speak Up! And his speech at the end of this episode... Ugh. He sounds like he's either a) constipated, or b) has to go #2 reallllly bad.
20 of 24 | Posted by Firthguy
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Posted on January 25, 2007 11:39 AM
B-Side - you ROCK! I was thoroughly entertained by your recap!
I can't believe Dr. Romano is Jack's brother! Never saw that coming. I'm sure that boy is Jack's love-child. Is that why Blue-Tooth Man hates him so much? I see that James Cromwell is playing Jack's father. It would have been awesome if they got Donald Sutherland!
I've said from the 1st episode that I think Wayne Palmer is a totally unbelievable Prez. I mean , c'mon, did he hold any other political office before he became the President? And being his older, more awesome brother's errand boy doesn't count! Someone correct me if I'm wrong..
Hopefully we'll see more of Martha and perhaps her loverboy Aaron the Secret Service guy!
21 of 24 | Posted by Jojobear
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Posted on January 25, 2007 11:43 AM
OMG - LOVE the twist that Romano is Jack's bro - love it even more that Jack isn't taking any crap from him.
Funny that so many of us thought that boy to be Jack's love-child. Now, in a way, I hope he's not...I like the UNpredictable.
btw, Jojobear, I SWORE I heard Kiefer say in an interview that Donald would be in the show this season - so I was shocked when they showed JC. I wonder if something changed.
22 of 24 | Posted by livemusicjunkie
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Posted on January 25, 2007 1:10 PM
Palmer 2.0(hilarious btw) "American Public" count = 22, God say something else! Do you remember Marilyn played on Melrose Place and was pure evil.... The role fits her actually. Bauer quote of the day "If you attempt to yell I will rip your tongue out"... something like that!
23 of 24 | Posted by couchpotato
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Posted on January 27, 2007 2:47 PM
No, Rena Sofer as "Eve" on Melrose Place only went nuts in the final two episodes as a result of recovering lost memories. She was nuts, not "pure evil."
24 of 24 | Posted by gamera87
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Posted on January 28, 2007 3:59 PM