We begin with a dizzying aerial shot of the fictional African nation of Sangala (but you Wikipedia'd it anyway, didn't you? Don't kid yourself), where Jack has been summering for the past year or so. A truckful of young boys are being shuttled somewhere, watched by a tough young man whose facial expression implies a nasty bout with constipation. They arrive at a camp run by a man whose name, IMDB is informing me, is Colonel Ike Dubaku. I like Ike! He instructs the boys that their parents are idiots and that they only way to get anywhere in the world is by lobbing off other people's heads with a machete. He chooses a random kid from the crowd and urges him to "kill the cockroach", which the rest of the boys start chanting because, let's face it, it's a really fun thing to chant. He raises high the machete, aims for the poor guy's head, and very obviously misses, though judging by the crowd's reaction I take it we're supposed to believe that he cracked it open like a cantaloupe instead of gently caressing the dude's shoulder.

Nice aim, kid.

After a brief intro by Jack informing us that events take place in real time, as if after seven years we STILL haven't gotten the gimmick of the show, we are introduced to his new home. It's an American school for African boys, and I really hope that Kim has gotten a chance to visit, given her penchant for attracting local man-eating wildlife. A grumpy little boy - who I'm going to nickname Charlie Brown because he's always pouting and will soon be the source of a lot of death and other shenanigans - argues with his brother about going into town, because it's too dangerous. Desmond, the brother, does so anyway. For some reason, this prompts Charlie Brown to run off to Jack's room and start pawing through his things. Luckily, Jack shows up, sans SWAT team, to dispense some firm but gentle scolding.

Okay, I didn't mean for that last line to sound as dirty as it does. Meh, I'm leaving it anyway.

We learn that Jack has been to India, and scored a nice silk there that he plans to one day give to Kim. After bludgeoning Barry Landis to death, of course. But the kid asks a lot of questions, and Jack, worn down by the painful burning of a child's voice, just gives it to him, in the hopes that he'll shut up. He won't. And the silk will make a delightful reappearance later on!

Suddenly, a greasy, balding man sporting a pair of novelty nerd glasses appears! Huzzah! He's the ambassador's chief something or other, and is introduced to Jack by the man who runs the school, Mr. Benton, who very sadly is no longer sporting his bitchin' 'stashe from Trainspotting. He hands Jack a federal subpoena, as he is wanted for questioning about some illegal torture and whatnot, which, really? Is there really any question as to whether Jack has illegally tortured people? Is the sky blue? Are Doritos delicious? Comical Glasses continues to be Comically Evil, going so far as to almost hit Jack and then threatening to close down the school. Then he swishes his cape and disappears into a cloud of black smoke.

Holds world record for most wedgies ever received

Colonel Ike confers with his brother, who looks for all the world like the African version of Justin Timberlake. He promises that he will bring more little soldiers (and sexy) back.

Step one: Cut a hole in the box.

Ike then gets a call from Jon Voight, an event we all dream about every so often. He offers Ike the use of some soldiers, in addition to the weapons he has already given him. Ike refuses, but hey, it's his country. Voight leaves some man's office, taking a moment to sneer at the jumpy, pill-popping young minion that has been given the task of destroying the incriminating files, a task that we all know will soon cause him to see the inside of a body bag. Let's watch his journey!

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Posted in 24 by Screampiller at 6:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Last Comment: blahblah on Nov 26, 2008 06:11 PM.