Season 7 opens at 8AM with a middle-aged frumpy looking dude named Michael Latham and his daughter driving down a street in our Nation's capital. The little girl, Emily, is busy texting away in the back seat and Daddy tells her to put the cell phone away, because it's only to be used in emergencies.

Brad and Angelina just snubbed Seacrest. If you don't consider that an emergency you're unAmerican DAD!

The pair are blindsided at an intersection and then rear-ended by a second van. As the little girl looks on in horror, her Dad is abducted by ski-mask and automatic weapon-sporting baddies. One of them, whose voice should be familiar to regular viewers, tells the badly shaken man that he is needed to "fix something" for Team Baddie. After calming down, the girl starts typing furiously on her phone. Crest HAWT Angie HO omglolroflomfg

Meanwhile, on Capitol Hill, Jack Bauer is testifying in front of a Senate sub-committee headed by Senator Red Forman Blaine Mayer, which is a pansy-pants Blue State name if ever there was one. Senator Red Mayer has years of experience interrogating his dumb-ass son about illegal activities in the family rec room, and is thus uniquely qualified to get to the bottom of illegal interrogation tactics used by CTU in the fight against terror.

Listen here, Kelso. I smell a skunk and I didn't just fall of the turnip truck.

Unfortunately for ol' Pansy-Pants, Jack Bauer is a bad-ass, and not a dumb-ass. Jack doesn't need no stinkin' constitution, nor does he require legal counsel. Bauer admits to "torturing" Ibrahim Hadad, at least by the definitions of those pesky Geneva Convention guidelines. He further dresses down the Senator with some Cheney Jr. speechifying about how his job is to protect innocent American lives from evildoers that operate outside of the rule of law. In short: Jack has no regrets and even if Pansy-Pants can't handle the truth, he believes the American people can.

Before the Senator can respond to Jack's jingoism, the hearing is interrupted by a gorgeous ginger federal agent named Renee Walker. FBI Spice tells Senator Pansy-Pants that she has a subpoena for Bauer that supersedes US Senate business and Jack is whisked off to FBI headquarters "down the block". Agent Walker calls in to the office and we are treated to our first view of what will most likely be the "base of operations" set for the season. Surprisingly, the FBI office looks like an actual office with fluorescent lighting and cubicles. It's the polar opposite of the CTU Bat Cave from seasons past. You kinda actually wanna see this place get blown up.

Red meets Red

At FBI headquarters, we meet Agents Janis(eane) Gold(ofalo) and Billy Walsh Sean Hillinger. Agents Gold and Hillinger have a short exchange establishing them both as quirky misanthropic types. In the ensuing match of D-Bag one-upmanship, we learn that Janis is the happier/nicer of the two and Sean is basically exactly like Billy Walsh except a G-man instead of the auteur of 'Medellin'. We also meet Agent Larry Moss who seems to be the leader of this rag-tag bunch. During a briefing, we learn that the recently abducted Michael Latham was the chief designer and architect of the Classified Infrastructure Portal (or CIP) Firewall that protects our nation's classified infrastructure! Ruh-roh!

We are not left guessing for long, as we soon see the baddies tapping into the Air Traffic Control (ATC) system. We also are introduced to Global Skies flight 117. The camera makes a point of showing the "everyday people" (which includes one adorable little boy) on the flight. None of these passengers have speaking roles, which means they are most likely cannon fodder.

Sorry buddy...no SAG card for you!

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Last Comment: BlahBlah on Jan 23, 2009 11:50 AM.