Chloe is researching the oil rigs, when her vision becomes blurred and she looks as if she's going to pass out. She gets up from her desk and then does proceed to pass out. Morris runs to her side and yells for someone to help him. He is vastly ignored. He then yells a little bit louder, and some random temp saunters over to maybe, possibly, help.
One hour down. One hour to go. A six-pack to imbibe.
Also, lest you forget throughout all this muck that Jack is still a badass, here's a reminder:
A grumpy Josh arrives at the oil platform to a happy Grandpa. Josh is whining yet again, saying that he doesn't want to be here. Grandpa tells him they're not staying. Wait, you mean this ISN'T China? Cheng arrives to happily chirp that the submarine will be arriving in thirty minutes or less, or their pizza is free.
Morris is hovering over Chloe in the infirmary. The doctor says she's fine, he just needs to run some tests. Then he leaves. See, this is why so many people die in the infirmary. Morris says he doesn't want to leave, but Chloe says that the only way to make her feel better is if he leaves and does his job. Hehe. He does so, and Chloe settles in to reflect upon something with shifty eyes. So she knows something. At this point I've ruled out poison or anything like that, since she so clearly knows exactly what's happening to her. Cancer? Ebola? Deadly personality disorder?
Nadia zeros in on the oil platform. Morris runs a thermal scan while Matrix music pounds in the background and confirms that there are a whole bunch of people on what would normally be a deserted platform. Then Morris calls up the doctor and badgers him about the tests he's running. But the doctor doesn't have the results back yet, and even when he does, he cannot divulge them to an EX-husband. Morris stews.
Back at the White House, Tom relays CTU's call to the president, that they've found Grandpa on the oil rig. (This is often where I find my own grandpa. I don't know why they didn't just think to look there in the first place.) General Walsh, who apparently has been on vacation for the past twelve hours, reappears to recommend an air strike on the platform, which would totally destroy everything and everyone on it. Tom points out that Josh, an innocent sixteen-year old boy, would definitely die in an air strike, whereas with a surgical strike he might stand a chance of surviving. But Daniels, suddenly remembering his affinity for giant explosions, gives the go-ahead.
"Sir, I have to disagree. Bette Midler's performance on the Idol finale was ear-splitting and disastrous. AT BEST."
Jack loads the remains of Mike Doyle onto the ambulance. "Get the kid, Jack! Get the kid!" Mike yells. Yeah, okay. Smell ya later, Doyle. I look forward to your swashbuckling adventures on the high seas. Nadia calls Jack to inform him that Daniels is going with an air strike, and kindly requests that he and Bill return to CTU for some debriefing. Why not request a unicorn burger as well, Nadia? Perhaps a dodo egg omelet? God. That woman needs to stop giving such ridiculous orders to Jack. It's a wonder he hasn't electrocuted her with a floor lamp yet.
Jack tells Bill about the air strike, and Bill says he's sorry. Jack gets that Crazy Look In His Eye™ and glances over at the waiting helicopter. Bill says "Don't even think about it." Ha. Bill, you're useless. Jack insists he's not doing this because Josh is his nephew, but because he's "an innocent kid being written off as some kind of acceptable loss. It's wrong." Bill sees the light and agrees to pilot the copter. Jack says he doesn't have to do this. Bill says he does, because he doesn't want to live with that kind of guilt either. This whole scene has a very Season 2-George Mason-crashing-the-nuclear-bomb-into-the-desert feel to it, except that where that scene succeeded in making me teary, this one makes me long for those days of yore. Also a little hungry.
Jack and Bill pack up their gear and get onto the copter. Jack pulls out a gun, points it at the pilot's head, and says "I'm commandeering your helicopter. Get out. NOW!" The pilot immediately jumps out. HAHA! Smart man. He'd be a better president than any of the other yahoos this season.
"NICE EARMUFFS! For this you die."
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Comments (4)
This was the most painfully-bad 2 hours of television this year. I totally agree with your list of problems with the finale (and the season). Fortunately, your recap was hilarious. Contemplation by Mike Doyle. HA!
So glad this season is over since it totally blew. Tom Lennox was absolutely the only enjoyable thing about it. Thank god for him. I’m going to pretend this season never happened. I haven’t decided if I’ll be back next year.
1 of 4 | Posted by pbjunkie
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Posted on May 29, 2007 9:20 AM
I've been reading your recaps for a while now and literally always find myself laughing loudly whenever I do... Well done!
Have to say though I think the best scene in the finale was when Suvarov and his generals agree that the oil platform had been sufficiently destroyed... The generals all looked around at each other and shrugged like "ehn, looked convincing enough." Worst bit of acting to cap off a pretty disappointing season.
Looking forward to recaps of FNL Season 2!
2 of 4 | Posted by ibanker
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Posted on May 29, 2007 12:37 PM
Great recap, so much better than the actual show!! I too, agree with your list of problems in the finale! Surely I thought we'd discover that Jack is Josh's father??! And the fact that Chloe and Morris are procreating makes me gag. The whole season was kinda surreal...
Screampillar, I am so looking forward to next season of FNL and your recaps!! That would have been so lame if they cancelled that show...
3 of 4 | Posted by Jojobear
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Posted on May 29, 2007 2:06 PM
Agreed that Tom Lennox was the second best thing this season (don't let Jack hear you say anything is better then him). Still, as annoyingly boyish as Doyle was, his respect, awe, and fear of Jack made his character worthwhile. The little whiney "damnit" when he found out Jack was coming to get his - I mean - the boy, just showed how afraid he was of going head to head with Jack.
That moment was second only the "Damn Jack" after he single handedly took out Al-Qaeda with a handgun and a chain.
Oh, and once more for old times sake: BEERROOOOOZZZ!!!
4 of 4 | Posted by MODULUS
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Posted on May 31, 2007 12:22 PM