Russian troops are preparing for imminent attack. Daniels gets Suvarov on the horn to tell him about the oil platform, and to beg him to hold off on the attack while they try to destroy the component. Suvarov, SO sick of all this by now, confirms that they picked up on a Chinese submarine headed towards L.A., so he believes him, and agrees not to strike just yet. But only as long as the platform is COMPLETELY DESTROYED. Seriously, they're going to have to bomb the hell out of it. And any innocent sixteen-year-old boys that happen to be on it.
Jack radios in to Nadia, who for some reason is yet again SHOCKED to discover that Jack is breaking the rules. This woman has the memory of a goldfish. She says she can't authorize this, but Bill, her hero, tells her that it's the right call and they need her help. So she agrees to send them the satellite images they need. They begin their approach, as the Air Force bombers lock their target.
Josh, Grandpa, and Cheng are all chilling in their hip new oil pad. Josh begs, for the BILLIONTH time, to be released, and Grandpa says, for the BILLIONTH time, that it's for his own good. Come on, writers. Something new would be nice. Let them have a conversation about the weather, abortion, Harry Potter, anything. Cheng gets a call from his men informing him that a helicopter is approaching. He tells Grandpa that they needs to get into a boat and head out, it has a beacon so the submarine can find them. He hands Grandpa the component, and they split up.
Bill lands the copter on a roof and Jack gets out. Say it with me - a firefight ensues! A lot of things blow up and Jack finds Cheng on the ground, his face all burnt and grumpy. Jack demands to know where the innocent sixteen-year-old boy is, and Cheng says he's too late. Jack disagrees, and runs off to find Josh while Bill takes Cheng, reminding Jack that he only has ten minutes.
"Curses! Foiled again! Mistah BAUAH!"
Josh lashes out against Grandpa yet again, so Grandpa tells him to control his emotions, to never let them control you. Is Grandpa a recovering rageaholic? Seriously, what the fuck is going on here? They make their way down to the bottom of the rig and Grandpa starts to set up the boat. Jack, meanwhile, is shooting his way through the rig, killing various henchmen. Josh grabs a wrench and hits him over the head. Finally, something more productive than whining. He grabs the gun and points it at him, and Grandpa, for some reason, is not impressed. After yet another I'm-doing-this-all-for-you diatribe, Josh, just as fed up as we are, shoots him. The peasants rejoice.
Jack shows up and tells Josh to lower the gun, saying that he knows exactly how he feels but that the pain of taking someone else's life isn't worth it. Really, Jack? How much pain are you in right now over those anonymous henchmen? They didn't even get to go on a submarine ride. He tells Josh about the air strike and sends him off towards the helicopter. Jack wants to take Grandpa with him so that he can be held accountable for his actions, but Grandpa wisely points out that there isn't enough time to carry him. "You're gonna get off easy," Jack says, as he leaves his father to die an explosivey death.
Bill is loading Cheng onto the copter as Josh runs up and joins him. Nadia says they have ninety seconds. Bill takes off and meets Jack on the side of the rig. Daniels gives the order to engage. The bombers launch their missiles in a scene that heavily reminds me of Independence Day (Eagle Twenty, Box Two!). Jack jumps off the platform onto the ladder hanging from the copter. There are many explosions. It is nice.
"JOSH! I MAY OR MAY NOT BE YOUR FATHER!!
*GASP* "I MAY OR MAY NOT BE TOTALLY AWESOME!!"
Bill radios in to Nadia that they're okay. General Walsh confirms to Daniels that the target has been completely destroyed. Suvarov is satisfied that the component is kaput, and calls off the strike on the U.S. base. He apologizes that it had to come to this, and sends his best wishes for the recovery of President Palmer. Who?
As the copter nears the beach, Jack falls off the ladder and into the ocean.
Something for the ladies.
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Comments (4)
This was the most painfully-bad 2 hours of television this year. I totally agree with your list of problems with the finale (and the season). Fortunately, your recap was hilarious. Contemplation by Mike Doyle. HA!
So glad this season is over since it totally blew. Tom Lennox was absolutely the only enjoyable thing about it. Thank god for him. I’m going to pretend this season never happened. I haven’t decided if I’ll be back next year.
1 of 4 | Posted by pbjunkie
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Posted on May 29, 2007 9:20 AM
I've been reading your recaps for a while now and literally always find myself laughing loudly whenever I do... Well done!
Have to say though I think the best scene in the finale was when Suvarov and his generals agree that the oil platform had been sufficiently destroyed... The generals all looked around at each other and shrugged like "ehn, looked convincing enough." Worst bit of acting to cap off a pretty disappointing season.
Looking forward to recaps of FNL Season 2!
2 of 4 | Posted by ibanker
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Posted on May 29, 2007 12:37 PM
Great recap, so much better than the actual show!! I too, agree with your list of problems in the finale! Surely I thought we'd discover that Jack is Josh's father??! And the fact that Chloe and Morris are procreating makes me gag. The whole season was kinda surreal...
Screampillar, I am so looking forward to next season of FNL and your recaps!! That would have been so lame if they cancelled that show...
3 of 4 | Posted by Jojobear
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Posted on May 29, 2007 2:06 PM
Agreed that Tom Lennox was the second best thing this season (don't let Jack hear you say anything is better then him). Still, as annoyingly boyish as Doyle was, his respect, awe, and fear of Jack made his character worthwhile. The little whiney "damnit" when he found out Jack was coming to get his - I mean - the boy, just showed how afraid he was of going head to head with Jack.
That moment was second only the "Damn Jack" after he single handedly took out Al-Qaeda with a handgun and a chain.
Oh, and once more for old times sake: BEERROOOOOZZZ!!!
4 of 4 | Posted by MODULUS
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Posted on May 31, 2007 12:22 PM