We All Kill In A Yellow Submarine - 
by B-Side
So. You thought everything was under control on 24. You thought CTU had the recording. You thought the nerve gas was gone. You thought order would be restored to the good ol' U.S. of A. WRONG. As we saw at the end of last week's episode, a certain loathsome government worker (cough, Miles, cough) ruined everything when he destroyed the recording in order to curry favor with President Logan. Well, if that wasn't bad enough, last night, our long forgotten mini-terrorist, Vladimir Bierko, escaped his CTU security detail (I know -- try not to keel over in shock) and revealed the ace up his sleeve: another canister of nerve gas. D'oh! Don't you hate how those things are always hanging around? They're like cockroaches. When you see one, you know there are a hundred more in the walls. On the plus side, not everything was doom and gloom for CTU tonight. Karen Hayes got to work her inner Susan Lucci by executing the best bitch slap of the season. The sort of bitch slap she and Miles used to gab about over lattés, but alas, those days are long over...
This week's episode began with us reliving the great Miles Papazian tape-erasing disaster of 2006. Oh, how I hated him so, but I took solace in knowing that at some point in the next hour, Jack would probably punch him, or at the very least throw him up against a wall and yell in his face. Short of him getting shot in the head, that's pretty much the best sort of punishment we could want for Miles.
Anyway, no one actually knew that the tape was erased yet, and so when we found out that the Attorney General would be on the phone in about five minutes, a sense of dread and embarrassment overcame me. Kind of like when you watch The Apprentice and a team does so badly you just want to crawl under a pillow for their sake. Well, with the biggest conference call ever about to happen, the gang all gathered in the Situation Room to hear the tape, and uh oh. We had a situation! Thank god they were in the Situation Room!
THE TAPE WAS JUST STATIC!
Granted, this wasn't a surprise to us, but to everyone else, this was like the worst thing ever. Jack immediately knew something was wrong. He knew the tape hadn't been damaged. No, it had remained perfectly intact despite surviving a shootout and a plane crash and an elephant stampede and a nuclear war and a... wait? Those things didn't happen? Sorry, must have hallucinated a little bit there.
Anyway, Jack wanted to get to the bottom of this tape scandal. "Who had access to this room?" he barked at Chloe, adding, "THINK ABOUT IT!" Note to self: don't ever let Jack start up a kid's show: "Okay, children. Today we're going to learn about math. Do you know what one plus one is? THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!!"
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