TVgasm Recaps

In this show, ten models from the elite Miami-based Irene Marie Agency are put up in two apartments in the heart of South Beach. It's no free ride, however. If the models can't get booked, they can't get paid. And if they can't get paid, they can't pay the rent. And if they can't pay the rent, they have to take a ride on the Next bus, which I happened to catch a few minutes of after watching tonight's premiere. I don't know if any of you have had the misfortune of watching this show, but if I had to describe Next in one word or less, that word would be "assy".

So When CopyGodd let me know he was going on vacation he had to decide who was going to take over this weeks writing duties for 8th and Ocean. And what better choice than TVGasms resident model stalker EdHill? Now sure, J-Unit has a thing for Tyra but it’s more of a healthy crush, whereas I bring a whole new creepy dimension to the party. Hence my own brief visit to the land of 8th and Ocean. A magical place where everyone is pretty and the day begins at noon.

God however being a cruel trickster I get the episode that concentrates on the egotistical male model and the white bread model talking about her love for Christ. With my luck Copygodd will be back next week recapping the show where all the female models get drunk and have a half hour tickle fight. Ah well, if life gives you lemons…

Speaking of everyone's favorite Savior, tonight's episode starts off with His blushing bride Britt paying a visit to Teddy in the male models' apartment. I'm guessing Jesus must be spending too much time at the office, because Britt looks like she wants a little of what Teddy's cooking, if you know what I mean. If you don't, it means she wants her booty cupped. But inexplicably Teddy starts talking about how he doesn't date models because they're all stuck up and stuff. He says that Britt is different – awesome, in fact – but the damage has been done, and Britt says she doesn't date models either. Unless they're "Model's for Christ," of course. But that's different, because it's not really dating as much as it is the sharing of Jesus' sloppy seconds.

Still, since they don't pay me to recap bad movies (yet!), I guess I should move on to the matter at hand. This week's episode starts off promisingly enough, with Britt and Tracie on the beach talking about whether it's okay to date male models. Tracie tells Britt to stay away from them, because in her eyes, all male models are dogs. Unfortunately, she never says why she feels this way. They're always humping her leg? They'd be happy lying around licking their balls? They eat their own shit? From what I've seen of the guys on this show, I'm going with number three. Or maybe number two.

Heheheh. I said number two.

Oh well. At least tonight's episode was all about the boobies. Boobies small (Kelly and Sabrina's); boobies large (everyone not named Kelly and Sabrina); and boobies male (Adrian and Sean, who just acted like a couple of boobs). Wondering how many more times I can use the word "boobies" (or some derivative) in one recap? You'll find out after the jump.

Or dating Heide.

This week, not only did MTV give us a great episode of 8th and Ocean, they also put the entire episode on Overdrive, their broadband site. So, thanks to the miracle of AlGore's Internets, I was able to watch the show, write my recap, drink beer and make screengrabs all at the same time, thus cementing my position as the laziest recapper on the TVgasm staff, bar none. Now if I could just get my insurance to cover a colostomy, I'd be in like Flynn. Without all that nasty pedophilia, of course.

And boy, what an episode it was. Seriously, this one had it all: Drama. Intrigue. Backstabbery. Even murder, if you count Vinci's continued butchering of the English language. Mostly it centered on Kelly and Sabrina, but the producers were kind enough to give us a nice dose of Vinci as well. Unfortunately, that made it hard for me to decide which characters to focus on: the Blunder Twins or their pet monkey, Gleek. Hopefully, I reached a nice balance between the two. Except for the title, of course. That had to go to Gleek Vinci.

The last two episodes of 8th and Ocean have been great. Could MTV pull off the hat-trick and give us three in a row? Does EdHill know how to use spell-check? That's right, last night's episode was sub-par at best. No rampant whoring, no gratuitous male mascara, not even a single shot of Vinci! Instead we get to watch two careers going in different directions: Britt's is just starting to take off, while Tracie's is going down the shitter.

The way the producers showcased the two models was weird, though, since both castings focused on the girls naughty bits. Why was it a good career move for Britt to suck on ice cubes whilst undergoing a PAP smear, but a bad career move for Tracie to model a bandolier full of energy drink cans? Guess that's why I'm not in the modeling business. Although if you're reading this, Irene Marie, and you ever find a client needing a firm set of bitch-tits, I'm your man.

"I hate you." "I hate you more."

Tonight's episode starts off with the girls talking about whether or not they've ever had to kiss someone as part of a shoot before. Britt once had to straddle a guy and pretend they were in bed, but she's never had to kiss someone. For the record, how does one "pretend" to be in bed? Was this shoot for Mimes Illustrated? Because that would totally rule. I don't know about you, but I find the idea of Britt miming a hand-job to be strangely erotic.

Thanks to an alert reader from JP Morgan, we've learned that two of 8th and Ocean's least-popular models not named Kelly or Sabrina managed to land themselves gigs as "New Faces" in the Abercrombie and Fitch catalog. That means after just one season on a mid-rated MTV show they're now just a half-step away from soft-porn. Yay MTV!

Pics after the jump...