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March 9, 2006

Cup That Booty

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Ever wonder what it's really like to try and make it in the cutthroat world of professional modeling? Yeah, me neither, but MTV seems to think enough people are curious that they created 8th and Ocean just to show us it's not all puppies and cream. Sometimes, in fact, it's just the opposite. That's right, sometimes it's cream and puppies.

In this show, ten models from the elite Miami-based Irene Marie Agency are put up in two apartments in the heart of South Beach. It's no free ride, however. If the models can't get booked, they can't get paid. And if they can't get paid, they can't pay the rent. And if they can't pay the rent, they have to take a ride on the Next bus, which I happened to catch a few minutes of after watching tonight's premiere. I don't know if any of you have had the misfortune of watching this show, but if I had to describe Next in one word or less, that word would be "assy".

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March 16, 2006

The Power of Christ Compels Her!

8th-03-14-06c.jpgSo When CopyGodd let me know he was going on vacation he had to decide who was going to take over this weeks writing duties for 8th and Ocean. And what better choice than TVGasms resident model stalker EdHill? Now sure, J-Unit has a thing for Tyra but it’s more of a healthy crush, whereas I bring a whole new creepy dimension to the party. Hence my own brief visit to the land of 8th and Ocean. A magical place where everyone is pretty and the day begins at noon.

God however being a cruel trickster I get the episode that concentrates on the egotistical male model and the white bread model talking about her love for Christ. With my luck Copygodd will be back next week recapping the show where all the female models get drunk and have a half hour tickle fight. Ah well, if life gives you lemons…

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March 23, 2006

Double Trouble In Twinsy Town…

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First off let me say thanks to EdHill for covering 8th and Ocean in my absence last week. I return from Vegas a poorer, yet humbler, man. (Thanks a lot, OHIO STATE.) I think you'll agree Ed did an admirable job. It's just too bad he got stuck covering the Christian episode and not tonight's Zitacular, as I've always found working cooter and Christ into the same sentence to be a bit tricky. Short of "Christ, that's one cute cooter," of course.

Speaking of everyone's favorite Savior, tonight's episode starts off with His blushing bride Britt paying a visit to Teddy in the male models' apartment. I'm guessing Jesus must be spending too much time at the office, because Britt looks like she wants a little of what Teddy's cooking, if you know what I mean. If you don't, it means she wants her booty cupped. But inexplicably Teddy starts talking about how he doesn't date models because they're all stuck up and stuff. He says that Britt is different – awesome, in fact – but the damage has been done, and Britt says she doesn't date models either. Unless they're "Model's for Christ," of course. But that's different, because it's not really dating as much as it is the sharing of Jesus' sloppy seconds.

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March 30, 2006

Pretty Vacant

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Okay, is it just me, or is something seriously missing from this show? Four episodes in and none of the models have been coked up on camera, nobody's thrown up in a bar (let alone been thrown out of one), and there hasn't been a single instance of hot girl-on-girl action yet. Well, 8th and Ocean, I've seen Gia. I've paused Gia. And you, my pretty poseurs, are no Gia.

Still, since they don't pay me to recap bad movies (yet!), I guess I should move on to the matter at hand. This week's episode starts off promisingly enough, with Britt and Tracie on the beach talking about whether it's okay to date male models. Tracie tells Britt to stay away from them, because in her eyes, all male models are dogs. Unfortunately, she never says why she feels this way. They're always humping her leg? They'd be happy lying around licking their balls? They eat their own shit? From what I've seen of the guys on this show, I'm going with number three. Or maybe number two.

Heheheh. I said number two.

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April 6, 2006

Breast Week Ever.

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While 8th and Ocean is supposed to show us that the life of a model is harder than you'd think, this week's episode served as a good example of how the life of a recapper is also harder than you'd think. See, we're having our kitchen remodeled right now, which, in addition to the usual muss and fuss, also entails ripping out two entire walls. And that has essentially put our entire upstairs out of commission, including my TV. We have another TV downstairs, though, so I thought everything was still okay. But then, midway through this week's episode of House, my TiVo kicked over to record this show, which means I missed House discovering a tic in his patient's vajajay.

Oh well. At least tonight's episode was all about the boobies. Boobies small (Kelly and Sabrina's); boobies large (everyone not named Kelly and Sabrina); and boobies male (Adrian and Sean, who just acted like a couple of boobs). Wondering how many more times I can use the word "boobies" (or some derivative) in one recap? You'll find out after the jump.

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April 19, 2006

Blind, Deaf and Dumb

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Hey gang, sorry 'bout missing last week's 8th and Ocean recap, but turns out remodeling a kitchen is way more work than my wife made it out to be. The good news is the walls are down and the cabinets are up. The bad news is I've still got to finish the plumbing, install the floor and paint our new great room. Still, it could be worse. At least I'm not covering Desperate Housewives.

Or dating Heide.

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April 26, 2006

The Duh Vinci Code

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This week, not only did MTV give us a great episode of 8th and Ocean, they also put the entire episode on Overdrive, their broadband site. So, thanks to the miracle of AlGore's Internets, I was able to watch the show, write my recap, drink beer and make screengrabs all at the same time, thus cementing my position as the laziest recapper on the TVgasm staff, bar none. Now if I could just get my insurance to cover a colostomy, I'd be in like Flynn. Without all that nasty pedophilia, of course.

And boy, what an episode it was. Seriously, this one had it all: Drama. Intrigue. Backstabbery. Even murder, if you count Vinci's continued butchering of the English language. Mostly it centered on Kelly and Sabrina, but the producers were kind enough to give us a nice dose of Vinci as well. Unfortunately, that made it hard for me to decide which characters to focus on: the Blunder Twins or their pet monkey, Gleek. Hopefully, I reached a nice balance between the two. Except for the title, of course. That had to go to Gleek Vinci.

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May 3, 2006

Double Exposure

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The last two episodes of 8th and Ocean have been great. Could MTV pull off the hat-trick and give us three in a row? Does EdHill know how to use spell-check? That's right, last night's episode was sub-par at best. No rampant whoring, no gratuitous male mascara, not even a single shot of Vinci! Instead we get to watch two careers going in different directions: Britt's is just starting to take off, while Tracie's is going down the shitter.

The way the producers showcased the two models was weird, though, since both castings focused on the girls naughty bits. Why was it a good career move for Britt to suck on ice cubes whilst undergoing a PAP smear, but a bad career move for Tracie to model a bandolier full of energy drink cans? Guess that's why I'm not in the modeling business. Although if you're reading this, Irene Marie, and you ever find a client needing a firm set of bitch-tits, I'm your man.

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May 10, 2006

Can You See Me Now? Bitch.

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"I hate you." "I hate you more."
I can't believe season one of 8th and Ocean is over after just ten episodes. Why only ten? Because The Man would never give models a full 22. Of course, in model time, ten weeks is at least three years, so overall the show had a pretty nice run. It's just too bad that by the time next season rolls around, at least half the cast will look older than David Bowie's character in The Hunger. (Although that's still decades younger than Irene Marie.) Oh well, at least the season ended with some great twin-on-twin action. Not to mention an exciting new roommate for the girls. (And this one's not even battery-powered.)

Tonight's episode starts off with the girls talking about whether or not they've ever had to kiss someone as part of a shoot before. Britt once had to straddle a guy and pretend they were in bed, but she's never had to kiss someone. For the record, how does one "pretend" to be in bed? Was this shoot for Mimes Illustrated? Because that would totally rule. I don't know about you, but I find the idea of Britt miming a hand-job to be strangely erotic.

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June 30, 2006

Cup, The Mighty Booty...

Thanks to an alert reader from JP Morgan, we've learned that two of 8th and Ocean's least-popular models not named Kelly or Sabrina managed to land themselves gigs as "New Faces" in the Abercrombie and Fitch catalog. That means after just one season on a mid-rated MTV show they're now just a half-step away from soft-porn. Yay MTV!

Pics after the jump...

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