Da-na-na-na, ba-na-na-na, ching ching! Can you hear it, Gasmi? The wail of the oh-so-90's guitar reminding us all that America's favorite zip code is BACK! Not mine though, mine is 80085 (which, incidentally, doesn't exist) because it spells BOOBS on a calculator. But that's neither here nor there, because we are here to discuss one thing: the NEW 90210! Thanks to the Cubs doing everything humanly possible to ruin my life, the premiere out here in Chi-town wasn't on until MIDNIGHT, so to anyone who may have missed out on 2 hours of sheer awesome I will try to be thorough.
Let's get down to business gang, because we've got a lot to cover. A drug scandal! Already! Lucille Bluth! Aunt Becky! Sex, lies, and video blogs! Borrowed porno-prop pigs! Lucille Bluth! And of course, the return of Kelly and Brenda!
Thanks to baseball, my first viewing of the premiere was over black coffee because I forgot to buy milk at the grocery store. Strike 1, 90210, watch your step. So imagine my surprise when the opening scenes are to none other than "Viva la Vida." Of COURSE they opened with that. If a remake of The Golden Girls were to air tomorrow, it would probably open with Coldplay too for crizzakes. True story: I, too, fall in love with most of Coldplay's new songs, but if I never hear this song again I can die happily knowing I was never reduced to mass murder.
Ahem, anyway, our story begins with the Wilson family driving in to California from Kansas. Token, err, Dixon- the Wilson's adopted son, says for what I'm assuming the zillionth time "this sucks." Aunt Becky, known here as Debbie, turns around and tells him to shut the F up because he's been saying the same thing for 1500 miles. Dude, 1500 miles? Don't minivans come with Eject buttons? He's not even your kid!
You know what else sucks, kid? Being abandoned. Again. Keep quiet.
This supposed-to-be adorable family scene is pretty much a quick way of telling us a few things: dad is not funny and the new principal of West Beverly High, mom is Lori Laughlin and totally girl-crush worthy, they are moving to Beverly Hills to help their grandmother with something, their kids are Annie and Dixon, they are terrible at picking names, Annie is into plays and Dixon is adopted. Oh, and Annie has some MAJOR teeth.
They pull up to a big fancy house, which clashes wonderfully with their dirty minivan and they all get out of the car happily. The grandmother they are moving in with comes out to greet them and, Ahh Lucille, how I've missed you. With you on the show, it can do no wrong. Apparently Lucille was a big movie star, and Dixon whispers to Annie that he saw an old movie of hers on Showtime the other night. Oh, and she was naked in it. She always was a frisky little thing, wasn't she? No worries, Dix, you're not really related, it's totally cool!
She blows past Debbie and embraces dad, who berates her for the Long Island Iced Tea she's toting. Lay off, narc; she's old, a former movie star, and haven't you ever even seen Arrested Development?! The producers would be doing themselves a disservice if they tried to change her character at all, that woman is GOLD.
*** Confession: me + L. Bluth = madly in love ***
And your father is in Mexican jail. AGAIN.
That night, Dix and Annie are lounging by the pool talking about how weird it will be to go to a new school when Dix reminds Annie that she already knows someone; a guy named Ethan that she made out with a couple of summers ago. Poor Dixon, his adopted parents clearly didn't love him enough to teach him about summer flings. A kiss, two years ago, means nada. Plus, how much would you all like to bet that this Ethan kid is 1) now gay, 2) the most popular kid in school and wants nothing to do with the out-of-towner, or 3) dating an uber bitch that will make Annie's life hell?
« Shear Genius: Epilogue - Thirty Questions With Charlie Price | | I Love Money: Salival of the Fittest »
Comments (13)
I'm so glad that you saw that Naomi looks like Elizabeth Berkley! For me she's a cross between Peyton from One Tree Hill and I was thinking Jesse Spano but now that you mention it, Nomi Malone works a lot better.
Am I the only one that thought it was weird that Annie had matches from the restaurant in San Francisco? First, why would she even keep the matches? Second, what restaurants give out matches these days anyway?
1 of 13 | Posted by chickadee2586 | Posted on September 6, 2008 6:49 PM
annie, naomi, and silver were ALL scary skinny. i just wanted to give them some sandwiches
2 of 13 | Posted by preppyboy | Posted on September 7, 2008 7:18 AM
ugh how annoying and goody goody is Annie- not digging her character at all. Or her as an actress.
3 of 13 | Posted by brittemik | Posted on September 7, 2008 3:02 PM
Oh, Pach how I love you! I'm loooong time reader/first time poster and have enjoyed your other recaps, but your reference to Buster's Charlie Browns finally moved me to create an account.
There are very few people that I come across who can spot veiled references to my all time fave, Arrested Development. When I run into another fan, I am usually so moved by their ability to match my obsessive quoting that I can't contain myself and the interaction inevitably ends awkwardly with my attempt at laying a big ol' kiss right on their mouth.
So, in order to save us both the embarassment - I will just extend my hand and give you a secret made up handshake (and a special Lucielle eye wink- "please don't ever make that face again"), offer you a frozen bananna (with nuts, if you like), insist that you work Buster's charlie browns/linus into every recap, and then ask you to be my best friend forever!!
Please consider at least one of the last two on the list :)
P.S. I am totally loving 90210 so far, well as much as you can enjoy watching unfortunate, malnourished refugee campers parade around in expensive clothes. I was glad to see that Kelly apparently kept some of that baby weight though! Also, WTF was up with Brenda's teeth?!?! Were those dentures or something? Or am I just not remembering S.D.'s massive ass gapped teeth? Watch that part at the Pit when she and Kelly first meet... it looks like she forgot to use poly grip and those suckers are pop right out any second!
Keep up the great work Pach! Can't wait to read the next one :)
4 of 13 | Posted by No touching!! | Posted on September 7, 2008 8:37 PM
Writer session #1:
Ok, so Brenda and Brandon were twins...what is the opposite of twins?
An adopted black brother and goofy white girl sister.
Totally original!
5 of 13 | Posted by amberpdidit | Posted on September 7, 2008 10:08 PM
Thanks for the great recap!
Just a side note...I really did not like the Andrea Zuckerman character on 90210, in high school she was ok, but then it got worse. However...when Hannah was on TV this episode - I think it was either the teacher or someone else in the class - said something to the effect of "she looks 30"...that right there made me laugh out loud.
6 of 13 | Posted by LNNC92 | Posted on September 8, 2008 11:23 AM
i know people had their criticisms of the premiere, but i enjoyed it. it held my interest for both hours. and i loved the homage they paid to the original series. i was a sucked for it.
however, that drug addict girl (i don't even care enough about her to remember her name) is the WORST storyline in the history of television. okay that's probably hyperbole, but they need to do something with that asap.
other than that, DYING to see jason priestley get on this show so we can find out how brandon and kelly conceived this kid. and NEED luke perry. NEED.
7 of 13 | Posted by baymenxpac | Posted on September 8, 2008 1:31 PM
Excellent recap! I absolutely loved the Arrested Development references; made my day.
I was kind of annoyed that Shenae Grimes was set to play Annie. Her character on Degrassi, Darcy, was also a goody goody and seriously annoyed me, so that was a huge downside.
I freaked right out when Jessica Walters showed up, and then Shannen Doherty. I mean, I knew she was coming on the show (thanks, Perez!) I just didn't realize it would be so soon. Just to add on to the AD refs, does anyone else think Naomi looks a teensy bit like Charlize Theron? Anybody?
I only have one criticism; I am sick of hearing negative things about girls' bodies. You're fat if you're above a size 4, and a skeletor if you're below. It's getting pathetic and a little annoying to see in a recap so enjoyable to read.
All in all, great job and I'll look forward to your next.
8 of 13 | Posted by alex_w | Posted on September 8, 2008 2:28 PM
I found the premiere somewhat boring and struggled to pay attention a lot of the time... so far I like Naomi, and Dixon's all right, but I'm not feeling Annie or Ethan yet. And sign me up for the WTF club with the emo pill-popper. I'll give it another episode or two, mostly for the original alums, and I hope it improves!
However, the recap was great and welcome back, Pach!!!
9 of 13 | Posted by LoLo | Posted on September 8, 2008 4:57 PM
Naomi was an awful actress. But I will still watch!
10 of 13 | Posted by RLR123 | Posted on September 9, 2008 10:11 AM
Awesome Recap especially for a two hour long show! The girl playing Annie needs to go. Maybe pull a Roseanne/Becky Conner move.
Was anyone else confused on why the Peach Pitt...oh sorry excuse me..."The Pitt" is tripling as a coffee shop, club and a restaurant. I live over on the East coast is there only one restaurant/club/coffee house in LA?
11 of 13 | Posted by Baxter | Posted on September 9, 2008 10:24 AM
Er, Chickadee, lots of places give out matches, especially high end restaurants. And I don't smoke but I always take matches from nice restaurants - sort of as a souvenir I guess. I wouldn't call it odd.
12 of 13 | Posted by Spring | Posted on September 17, 2008 9:12 PM
Yeah, so I'm watching this episode now on the CW's website. Just so you know, it's being sponsored buy O.B. tampons. If only O.B. could absorb my pain right now . . .
13 of 13 | Posted by hypnotoad | Posted on September 20, 2008 11:44 AM