Dixon laments the fact that he'll have to tell "the whole adoption story again." Annie tells him to get over it because it's been 8 years. That's it? Well, frankly, I'd like to hear the story myself. Here I thought it was going to parallel "I Love You Like Crazy Cakes," and turns out it is much more "The O.C." Regardless, Dixon tells Annie she's hot and will have guys chasing after her, which is weird. Is the CW setting the scene for a little adopted brother/sister action?
Just tell them the plot of Annie. Who doesn't love that movie?
The next morning is the big first day at school! Annie sees Ethan and goes over to say hi when, oopsie daisy, he's a little busy. Busy getting a blow job. In his car. Parked outside of school. At 7 in the morning. Which begs the question, what kind of slor wants to walk around with man-part breath all day? The answer:
Audrina Patridge, apparently.
Dixon heads straight for the Journalism office and... WAIT. This whole story is starting to sound oddly familiar. Journalism? Plays? New kids? Must be my imagination. Moving on - Dix is greeted by the love child of Balky and one of my neighbors. His name is Navid and he knows everything about everyone. He tells Dixon, whom we learn is trying out for lacrosse (score 1 for the adopted boy!), to watch out for Ethan Ward.
Everyone quiets down for the news, which is being reported by Hannah Zuckerman Vasquez. I shake my fist at no one in particular before throwing my head back and groaning loudly. WHY, CW, WHY??? Andrea Zuckerman was the most annoying TV character EVER! I thought I was in a bad mood because I killed my tomatoes, but this is far worse. Strike 2, 90210.
Today in the news, ANDREA ZUCKERMAN WILL NEVER DIE.
In Annie's first class of the day, an uggo boy named George makes fun of Annie and the dreamboat teacher who is bound to have an affair with one of the students calls out the whole class for being idiots. In walks Naomi, who I'm guesstimating is the Blair Waldorf of West Beverly. Some banter is exchanged between her, the teacher, and uggo George and ends with her telling George to keep his vagina clean. Hold the phone, can they say vagina on the CW? Color me surprised, this show is racy! Vagina!
I think they meant to spell her name Nomi.
Mr. Matthews (aka dreamboat teacher) tells Naomi to be Annie's "Beverly buddy" for the week and informs her in front of the class that if she doesn't hand in some paper by the next day she gets an F. Chill out, teach, she's loaded! Rich, spoiled children don't need to know things about books, thats what money is for! This is all very scintillating and all, but, are those computers at every desk? With really cool diagonal flat screen monitors? Blast! I knew it. I knew this show is going to make me feel like a dinosaur.
Daddy Principal and Kelly Taylor are walking down the hall and chatting. Turns out Kelly is now a guidance counselor. I guess that boutique went under after all. Well, Donna's loss is your gain Kel. I mean, you've endured an eating disorder, a stalker, date rape, substance abuse, a cult, and countless terrible terrible outfits. Who better to mold the psyche of today's high-school kids? Really though, it's a good move. I should know, I just found out that when I was in third grade my favorite thing to do was see my psychiatrist.
Sad, but true.
After class, Annie catches up with Naomi and tells her not to worry about the Beverly Buddy thing. Naomi is uninterested until Annie mentions that the teacher was punishing her. Naomi goes on and on about her book report and I find myself wondering if she took speech lessons directly from Ellen Paige or if she just likes to ape her when, surprise surprise, she runs into her boyfriend in the hallway. Ethan! When introduced, Ethan and Annie give your standard "who, me? Yeah... I mean, no. Well... sort of. Wait, what?" While images of morning blow jobs dance through their heads.
Not a second too soon, Bangs Furtado comes walking by giving Ethan the out he needed. He introduces her to Annie and mentions she's into plays. Turns out Bangs is the lead in the school musical. Snore!
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Comments (13)
I'm so glad that you saw that Naomi looks like Elizabeth Berkley! For me she's a cross between Peyton from One Tree Hill and I was thinking Jesse Spano but now that you mention it, Nomi Malone works a lot better.
Am I the only one that thought it was weird that Annie had matches from the restaurant in San Francisco? First, why would she even keep the matches? Second, what restaurants give out matches these days anyway?
1 of 13 | Posted by chickadee2586 | Posted on September 6, 2008 6:49 PM
annie, naomi, and silver were ALL scary skinny. i just wanted to give them some sandwiches
2 of 13 | Posted by preppyboy | Posted on September 7, 2008 7:18 AM
ugh how annoying and goody goody is Annie- not digging her character at all. Or her as an actress.
3 of 13 | Posted by brittemik | Posted on September 7, 2008 3:02 PM
Oh, Pach how I love you! I'm loooong time reader/first time poster and have enjoyed your other recaps, but your reference to Buster's Charlie Browns finally moved me to create an account.
There are very few people that I come across who can spot veiled references to my all time fave, Arrested Development. When I run into another fan, I am usually so moved by their ability to match my obsessive quoting that I can't contain myself and the interaction inevitably ends awkwardly with my attempt at laying a big ol' kiss right on their mouth.
So, in order to save us both the embarassment - I will just extend my hand and give you a secret made up handshake (and a special Lucielle eye wink- "please don't ever make that face again"), offer you a frozen bananna (with nuts, if you like), insist that you work Buster's charlie browns/linus into every recap, and then ask you to be my best friend forever!!
Please consider at least one of the last two on the list :)
P.S. I am totally loving 90210 so far, well as much as you can enjoy watching unfortunate, malnourished refugee campers parade around in expensive clothes. I was glad to see that Kelly apparently kept some of that baby weight though! Also, WTF was up with Brenda's teeth?!?! Were those dentures or something? Or am I just not remembering S.D.'s massive ass gapped teeth? Watch that part at the Pit when she and Kelly first meet... it looks like she forgot to use poly grip and those suckers are pop right out any second!
Keep up the great work Pach! Can't wait to read the next one :)
4 of 13 | Posted by No touching!! | Posted on September 7, 2008 8:37 PM
Writer session #1:
Ok, so Brenda and Brandon were twins...what is the opposite of twins?
An adopted black brother and goofy white girl sister.
Totally original!
5 of 13 | Posted by amberpdidit | Posted on September 7, 2008 10:08 PM
Thanks for the great recap!
Just a side note...I really did not like the Andrea Zuckerman character on 90210, in high school she was ok, but then it got worse. However...when Hannah was on TV this episode - I think it was either the teacher or someone else in the class - said something to the effect of "she looks 30"...that right there made me laugh out loud.
6 of 13 | Posted by LNNC92 | Posted on September 8, 2008 11:23 AM
i know people had their criticisms of the premiere, but i enjoyed it. it held my interest for both hours. and i loved the homage they paid to the original series. i was a sucked for it.
however, that drug addict girl (i don't even care enough about her to remember her name) is the WORST storyline in the history of television. okay that's probably hyperbole, but they need to do something with that asap.
other than that, DYING to see jason priestley get on this show so we can find out how brandon and kelly conceived this kid. and NEED luke perry. NEED.
7 of 13 | Posted by baymenxpac | Posted on September 8, 2008 1:31 PM
Excellent recap! I absolutely loved the Arrested Development references; made my day.
I was kind of annoyed that Shenae Grimes was set to play Annie. Her character on Degrassi, Darcy, was also a goody goody and seriously annoyed me, so that was a huge downside.
I freaked right out when Jessica Walters showed up, and then Shannen Doherty. I mean, I knew she was coming on the show (thanks, Perez!) I just didn't realize it would be so soon. Just to add on to the AD refs, does anyone else think Naomi looks a teensy bit like Charlize Theron? Anybody?
I only have one criticism; I am sick of hearing negative things about girls' bodies. You're fat if you're above a size 4, and a skeletor if you're below. It's getting pathetic and a little annoying to see in a recap so enjoyable to read.
All in all, great job and I'll look forward to your next.
8 of 13 | Posted by alex_w | Posted on September 8, 2008 2:28 PM
I found the premiere somewhat boring and struggled to pay attention a lot of the time... so far I like Naomi, and Dixon's all right, but I'm not feeling Annie or Ethan yet. And sign me up for the WTF club with the emo pill-popper. I'll give it another episode or two, mostly for the original alums, and I hope it improves!
However, the recap was great and welcome back, Pach!!!
9 of 13 | Posted by LoLo | Posted on September 8, 2008 4:57 PM
Naomi was an awful actress. But I will still watch!
10 of 13 | Posted by RLR123 | Posted on September 9, 2008 10:11 AM
Awesome Recap especially for a two hour long show! The girl playing Annie needs to go. Maybe pull a Roseanne/Becky Conner move.
Was anyone else confused on why the Peach Pitt...oh sorry excuse me..."The Pitt" is tripling as a coffee shop, club and a restaurant. I live over on the East coast is there only one restaurant/club/coffee house in LA?
11 of 13 | Posted by Baxter | Posted on September 9, 2008 10:24 AM
Er, Chickadee, lots of places give out matches, especially high end restaurants. And I don't smoke but I always take matches from nice restaurants - sort of as a souvenir I guess. I wouldn't call it odd.
12 of 13 | Posted by Spring | Posted on September 17, 2008 9:12 PM
Yeah, so I'm watching this episode now on the CW's website. Just so you know, it's being sponsored buy O.B. tampons. If only O.B. could absorb my pain right now . . .
13 of 13 | Posted by hypnotoad | Posted on September 20, 2008 11:44 AM