TVgasm Recaps

Editor's Note: Please welcome our newest staff writer for Age of Love, the incomparable Ting Lee!!

My name is Ting Lee and I have seen the ads for Age of Love. I must tell you two things:

1) I remember riding in the car with my mom to the mall when I was twelve years old. She was forty. We were listening to Paul Simon's Graceland. She reached into her purse under her seat and pulled out a shiny Radioshack tape with handwritten labels. Without a word, she popped the shiny Radioshack tape with handwritten labels into the tape deck and put the cover back into her purse. Big band music came out the speakers. I looked at her. She looked straight ahead. Someone had made my mom a mix tape. This was astonishing and frightening.

2) When I was in my early twenties, I would put on my best baby doll dress, go downtown, and find a man wearing a tie to buy me Amaretto Sours. This was neither appropriate nor unusual.

I tell you these things, Procrastinators, because this is the dawning of The Age of Loverius! The show that asks: if pressed, and televised, does a man prefer to marry his daughter or his mother?

Hello, Procrastinators! I still can't get over the the theme song for Age of Love. "Mmmhmmmm! Whoa-oooh-whoa-oooh-whoa-oooh...WHO'S GOT THE LOOK?" I get up off my couch and step from side to side and clap to the rhythm. (Clapclap to the rhythm). I can see in my mind's eye Jared Rubenstein held aloft in a chair by his father and uncles while the rest of my seventh grade class gathers around in a circle at the best of many, many bar mitzvahs I went to in 90's. Yay, let's go to the candy fountain now.

Okay, Procrastinators, I was super-excited to see what happens this week on The Age of Love! We begin in the older ladies suite, where they snack on wine and cheese while discussing their new competition, the 20-year-olds. They are not happy.

OMG you guys totally look young!

All right, my darlings, my loves, my Procrastinators, The Age of Love was not boring this week. It was hilarious, ridiculous, humiliating, appalling, insulting, immature, and self-centered. I wanted to spit on my TV, but it was not boring. So heeeere we go! Who's got the look?

Okay, Procrastinators, here's the first thing I hate about this week's episode of Age of Love: the 2 and a half minutes of recapping the previous episodes. I get it! No one's watching this! Maybe we can wrangle 'em in for the last 5 episodes! Or at least the one we're showing right now! Whoa-ooh-whoa-oooh-whoa-oooh-whoa--- who's got the look? Not you, Executive Producer JD Roth!

JD Roth: Doesn't got the look.

Okay, Procrastinators, this week on Age of Love, it looks like everyone loses their shit. Yippeee! Let's waste no time.

Game on!

At the beginning of this week's episode of Age of Love, we see Jayanna's striped-stocking feet curl up and wither underneath an old farmhouse.

The leftover women arrive at the suite after the camping trip. It looks like they are all eating gruel. Old Gal Jenn is missing her friend Jayanna The Ticking Clock. "If I didn't know The Poo," she cries, "I'd hate him for what he's done to my friend!" But fortunately for her, she does know him. And she knows how intelligent, discerning, fair, and diplomatic he is. Not to mention funny! Boy, is he funny!

Put that crack away, you big prankster!

At the beginning of this week's finale of Age of Love, we see Jenn and Amanda in the center of a huge coliseum, crouched and circling each other wearing Gladiator costumes. Executive Producer JD Roth steps into the arena and screams at the crowd of 11 people: "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!" We hear some halfhearted clapping and then JD gets hit in the head with a Diet Coke can.

It's finally here, Procrastinators! Who will The Poo choose, Amanda or Jenn? Young or Old? What is the big twist the producers keep referring to? Is Megan coming back? Please?