11:50 PM
Ah! New York City. And look! There's Phil on the Statue of Liberty. Maybe someday, France will give New York a giant Phil statue too.

11:53 PM
Wow. Ferry attack! Did they really need five water taxis for ten families? This is highly inefficient.

11:54 PM
Time to meet the fams! First up, the Gaggin' familiy? Oh, sorry, it's Gaghin. Wow. I hate them. Mostly because they force their kids to run 5ks. And freakin' Carissa can run a seven minute mile. I especially hate her for that. "What adult out there can run a seven minute mile?" asks Carissa's mom. I don't know. Maybe the ones who were forced to by their parents at an obscenely young age.

11:57 PM
Okay, I'm still fixated on this Gaghin family. First of all, I thought faux Dakota Fanning was bad enough. But then there's her devious brother Billy who tells us, "Me and my sister Carissa will work as a team spying on the other teams. We'll pretend to fool around while we have our eyes and ears open." Isn't it wonderful the values these parents have instilled in their children?

11:59 PM
Carissa says, "I might be small, but I am NOT shhtupid." How about you're shhh-annoying.

12:00 AM
Wow, I've been making fun of a seven-year-old. New low for TVgasm.

12:01 AM
Okay, the Linz family. They're all in their twenties. Their motto: "We're attractive." We know they like to have fun because we see them tossing beanbags at each other. Oh those crazy Linz kids! Nothing like a good old fashion throw-the-beanbag fight. Nevertheless, during the interview, older brother Alex says, "Tommy and Megan are still in that educational phase of maturing and learning how to deal with an electric company and how to pay their electrics on time." Alex, on the other hand, is part of that noneducational phase of maturing where he no longer knows how to use simple words like "electricity bills."

12:05 AM
Next up, the Paolo family from Carmel, NY. Dad's a garbage man. And he's living the American Dream. This guy is awesome, and so is his wife (I always like the older people). Unfortunately, their sons seem like budding douchebags. We'll have to keep an eye on them.

12:07 AM
Oh look! It's the black family. I mean, the Black family. I mean, the black Black family. Basically, the only black team is the family Black. They seem pretty active. They do karate together. They wear tie-dye together. They even splash water together. Go Black power!