Hey everyone - in order to play catch up I'm posting last Sunday's first and then I'll do a fun photo-essay of the Sunday before that. Thanks for being patient! Just think, now that you've had ample time to digest what's happened, these recaps will be like a blast from the past! Seriously. Riiiiight?! :)
On last week's episode, Dan and Andrew ended up in the poorhouse (and with an "almost elimination") since they had to replace their lost shoes. And it didn't help that they wasted time looking for the right lifts for Dan. Meanwhile Dallas and Starr are getting more hot and heavy than Marissa Jaret Winokur on Dancing with the Stars. But this ain't no dancin' show for chubbies - it's travelin' for dummies - it's AMAZING RACE!
Here we are in Moscow, Russia and the race is getting heated! Dallas and Toni are the first to leave thanks to their glorious first place win last week! I only hope they keep it up!
Their first stop is a Russian sub and their contact is a guy that was in "Hunt for Red October". WHAT?! First of all, that movie didn't do so well to the Russians. What's next? "Meet Ralph Fiennes from Schindler's List in Berlin!" And secondly, this show has won how many Emmy's?!? You think they could do a better cameo than this guy:
"Hello Mr. Connery? Yeah it's me... your little "Babushka". Just wondering about that sequel you promised..."
Toni tells us she totally wants Dallas to be happy in life. I was so hoping she'd add, "Just not with that whore Moon or Sun or whatever the hell her name is."
Ken and Tina are close behind and Tina is already bitching that Ken doesn't put their relationship in the front of his mind enough. Yeah - I'm guessing that helps him sleep better - less screaming and night-sweats that way.
Once in a cab, Tina tries to explain that they need to find a submarine - she even draws a picture of one:
Cabbie: "Why is there turd floating in water? Ahhh.. she need make poop. We go to the toilets now!"
Next off - the once great Nick and Starr. Starr says it's time to get serious and take the lead again.
Unfortunately this means walking straight into oncoming traffic. Seriously - it missed her by an inch. I like how Nick let her go in front of him for the first time ever though. Sweet guy.
Last team to leave - the fat frats! Let's seem them fiddle-fuck their way to last place again! Everyone arrives to the sub at the same time to look for "Red October" guy.
And of course Nick just happens to find the hottie sub-guy first before commenting, "He's too young to be in "Red October". Mmm hmm... But not to young to ---
And now for today's "What the FUCK happened to my career?!!?" moment:
And who the fuck could he possibly be on the phone to still?! Clearly not his agent.
Teams all get their clue from the guy (in perhaps the easiest clue-finding challenge yet) and head off to their next point: Park Iskusstv - the graveyard of fallen monuments. Oohhh... I hope they have the Statue of Liberty from "Planet of the Apes" there.
Everyone hops in a cab and Ken and Tina are lucky enough to get a guy with GPS. Amazingly he finds it quickly with the GPS. Mine would have found the 16 closest Starbucks before bringing up that park. It hates me.
Back at the sub - I completely forgot about the Fat Frats! I bet they're like 3 days behind. They're so far behind It's probably live footage when we're watching them. Luckily "Red October" guy is still there and still on the phone. I hope he has rollover minutes.
Tina starts bitching that their cabbie is smoking and asks Ken to tell him to stop. Why is it some teams insist on pissing off the one person who has their fate in his hands? Thankfully Ken tells her to zip it.
Nick and Starr are the first to the park and find the clue - a ROADBLOCK. In this roadblock, teams must count the number of Lenin and Stalin statues in the park, combine the number, tell it to a nearby bookstore owner, get a book and look on that page number for a clue for their next destination. SWEET. I like this roadblock - infinite fuck-up possibilities!
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Comments (13)
I felt so bad for Toni and Dallas. I really liked them.
I think you are right about there being some sort of guardian spirit watching over the frat rats. They are just a walking cluster fuck. Unreal!
And Tina... where do I start? That woman is really vile. I hope that they don't work out their marriage and that Ken brings the footage from this show to court to prove what sort of cruel and unusual punishment it was to live with her.
1 of 13 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 6, 2008 8:15 AM
The only reason Tina hasn't divorced Ken yet is she's hoping they win the million...and she can take it all in the settlement. She's evil.
The Fat Frats are in the final entirely by accident. And can you imagine what they would spend the money on should the world spin off its axis and they win? Biggest. Kegger. Ever. It would be the first time in their lives they were popular on campus...or even noticed.
So - by default - I'm rooting for Nick and Starr.
Poor Dallas and Mom.
2 of 13 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on December 6, 2008 8:39 AM
First off, the fat frats have got to be the luckiest team to ever compete in the race. What complete morons these two are.
I feel bad for Ken. Tina is a total witch. Good for him for cheating on her, I just can't blame him.
3 of 13 | Posted by sandogg | Posted on December 6, 2008 10:15 AM
Toni Dallas Noooooooooo!
If this had really been a Lifetime movie Ken would have disposed of the "body" a long time ago, Nick would be engaged to Phil and fighting Prop 8, Starr would be hiding a fat frat pregnancy from Dallas after a senseless night of drinking and hotel room door mix ups , and only a DNA test would finally prove to Toni that Dallas wasn't the baby-daddy. Then we'd have to jump ahead 25 years where in a weird twist of fate an abandoned/orphaned half Jewish/half moon child fat kid from Russia comes to the US in search of his REAL parents only to find Dan a miserable drunk alcoholic living in Andrews basement.
4 of 13 | Posted by soapboxx | Posted on December 6, 2008 12:47 PM
Okay - in the previous leg, I had the heartiest AR laughs ever watching the marching. Then, this week, the biggest heartbreak when Toni trusted everything to her son's mental ability.
I'm not a fan of any of the remaining teams but at least I can have the satisfaction of seeing 2 out of 3 of them lose the big one.
5 of 13 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on December 6, 2008 2:40 PM
I was sad to see Toni and Dallas not make it to the final three also. I was more suprised though to see Dan and Andrew come in 2nd! I'm pretty sure Nick and Starr will win, but Dan and Andrew sure have made a good effort. Oh and this comment I wasn't really impressed with: " Dan adds that even if he had money, he wouldn't give it to them. What a dick". 20 bucks says that if it was Dan and Andrew who had lost everything and Dallas had said that, you wouldn't have had a problem with it...
6 of 13 | Posted by JustJesse | Posted on December 6, 2008 7:25 PM
I'm pretty sure if Dan and Andrew were in that situation that Toni and Dallas would have given them money.
7 of 13 | Posted by blazergirl | Posted on December 6, 2008 8:11 PM
I felt so bad for Dallas. He has to remember it could have happened to any of them.
I want them to cross the finish line in this order (though any way is really fine with me):
1) NICK AND STAR
2) Kenny and Tina
3) fat frats
8 of 13 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on December 7, 2008 8:58 AM
Soooo sad about Toni & Dallas. I can't stand Ken and Tina - she is so shrill. ME ME ME is all I hear from her. The frat boys are VERY lucky boys to make it this far.
I'm rooting for Nick and Starr. They weren't my favorites but they played the game well.
9 of 13 | Posted by taxgirl | Posted on December 7, 2008 3:51 PM
If Dallas and Starr get married, they need only look at Ken and Tina to see what they'll be like in 30 years.
10 of 13 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on December 7, 2008 11:55 PM
I, too, was completely bummed that Dalls F'd up and left their bag in the taxi. What a crushing blow. I wonder if there's any kind of relationship going on with Starr now that the race is over.
And I soooo hope there's some YouTube footage of the Fat Frats doing that Russian Army marching. I was almost rolling on the floor with that one!!!!
11 of 13 | Posted by 2muchBravo | Posted on December 8, 2008 12:49 PM
If you use the link to Reality Blurred that is in the recap, it says that Dallas and Starr are "still dating" even though they live on opposite sides of the country.
12 of 13 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on December 8, 2008 9:20 PM
Soapboxxx.... that Lifetime reference was fucking funny! It takes me back to my fave Lifetime title ever: "She Woke Up Pregnant."
I wish T/D was in the finals, but T shouldn't let D do anything mentally taxing.... it's not his strength. But she was riding his coattails the entire race, so whatevs... As much as I like them as a team, T should have done more to help the team. Ultimately, we're left with a boring final between a two teams of losers and an incestuous brother and sister.
I can see the ratings for that one will be high.
13 of 13 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on December 9, 2008 9:08 AM