For this season's opener, we found Phil aboard the Queen Mary in Long Beach, CA. He once again welcomed us to the series with his usual brand of patrician charm and old money aloofness. Moments later, a small army of choppers descended on the location, and Jeff Probst walked out holding an immunity idol. Actually, that didn't happen, but instead we finally met the new teams for this season.

First up were Debbie and Bianca, two Southern Belles who described themselves as goofballs and silly, silly, silly. This was followed with wacky footage of them apparently doing the boxstep in rollerskates and tube tops. Wacky indeed! Let me get out my slide whistle and calliope music. Spewing out of the next helicopter were two of West Hollywood's finest, Lynn and Alex. If Chip and Reichen wanted to smash stereotypes of gay men, these two wanted to build them right up again. Prancing around sort of like the gay versions of Fred Savage and A.J. from the Sopranos, these two comfortably assumed the role of resident jokesters. Two snaps for that!

Survivor losers/winners Rob and Amber, or Ramber (it could be Romber, but that sounds sort of serious and analytical) emerged next. Rob boasted that the two have a profound friendship — as evidenced by them rocking in a hammock. You should see it when they watch TV together on the couch. Their friendship is mind-blowing then.

Two heavyset and docile hicks from South Carolina popped up next, and dang it if they weren't wearing Lynn and Alex's WeHo weekend outfits. That's okay. They may have been wearing cut-off denim shorts and sleeveless shirts, but I feel badly bashing their oddball fashion style. You can tell these guys are just happy folk just looking for good, Dukes of Hazzard-esque memories. Their names are Ryan and Chuck, for all you wondering.

Next were Heidi and Megan, two "roommates" (cough, models, cough) who just happen to look exactly alike: flowing blond tresses, skinny but shapely physiques, and a certain disposition to giggling and tanning together. It's official. Paris Hilton has spawned decoys.

Patrick and his mother Susan stepped off a helicopter next, and while they may have looked homely and sweet, they explained that they were actually quite devious. This was illustrated by Patrick stealing a cookie off Susan's cooling tray in the kitchen. Oooh, devious indeed! I don't know how I'll be able to deal with such a saucy team!