American Idol: America's Most Smartest Idol

This week on American Idol, Yoko got another free plug and I ate over 10,000 depression calories. Thanks, Nigel!

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Being rich means never having to say you'll practice proper hair maintenance.

Fifty one million votes came in for last night's craptacular "rock" episode, which both scares the bejeezus out of me and makes me hope that 49 million of those calls were from irate Americans demanding an excuse from Nigel for the charisma free zombies we are left with after stadiums full of singers auditioned last Summer. If you're not pissed, you should be. This show is making this country seem extremely watered down and uninteresting talent wise, and we know that's just not the case.

Hannahboresnore
Wait. What was I saying?

Tink adds that the top three vote getters were within one million votes of each other, which means nothing to me. I am still stuck on fifty one million votes. Damn. Maroon Five will be here tonight, as will BO BICE?!?!? Is it too late to call in sick? T.Vo! ANSWER YOUR PHONE!

Tink calls Randy out on being mean to Syesha and making her cry, and I applaud Randy for showing America that the girl is actually human, since she's been unable to do that herself the past couple of months. Randy says that he didn't make her cry, Paula did by being so understanding of her emotional journey. Riiiiight. In other news, Paula is dressed like an extra from Tony n' Tina's Wedding.

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Cute beret or hideous shoulder poof? Let's let fifty one million people decide.

Paula tries to be calm and professional and say something touching, but it just sounds like bad formalwear. Tink asks what was up Simon's butt last night and he says that the song choices sucked ass. Agreed. To remedy that, "Reelin in the Years" is is chosen for the group number. Yikes.

The Fetus looks terrified about nailing the rhythm, but he does fine. When it's Castro's solo turn, he starts blowing bubbles with his spit. Professional, dude. The most notable thing about this performance (besides the AMAZING choreography, of course) is the forty tracks playing behind the final four. Subtle. There's one Syesha, but a whole choir of girl voices. LOL. This show isn't even taking itself seriously.

Poor Syesha gets stuck next to Castro at one point and he messes up her moves because he's doing them wrong. Fetus motions to the back panels, which open to reveal...some guy playing a guitar. It took me a minute to figure out it wasn't Bo Bice because I was covering my head in terror. And look! In the audience! Talk about reelin' in the years...

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Nancy Reagan is still kickin!

After that musical master class, Tink leads us through a recap of last night. Just in case you missed it...

Tink tells us that it's time to crush someone's dream. YAY! The Fetus is out first, and he mumbles and stutters and smiles and gee gollies. Tink asks him what his game plan was and he smiles all cute and sucks on an inhaler. Seriously, I would tell you what he really said, but I couldn't tell. He and Paula should have a televised dinner together and confuse the hell out of all of us. Fetus, of course, is safe. And just in case Shamu comes and splashes the safety couch, he's wearing a plastic jacket.

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Better safe than sorry. Thanks, Ross!

This week's shameless plug is for The Cirque Du Soleil show, Love, which is a Beatles fest. The final four were flown to Vegas on a private jet, which the Fetus describes as "the nicest plane I've ever seen". You don't say. When they get off the plane, Castro is almost gang raped by a gaggle of fat tweens before he and the other three are taken to the dolphin habitat. Syesha talks in a five year old voice and squeals about loving dolphins and unicorns, and then some stick of a homo grabs them all and "makes them over". Syesha's Sideshow Bob hair is accentuated, perfume is sprayed on Castro's nasty ass dreads, and Cook and the Fetus are given Tink's three years ago fauxhawk. Way to represent, gay guy. I bow my head in shame and press pause. Thank god I have some cookie batter. I need it.

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Fetus! Your bad haircut has grown another forehead with an equally bad haircut! Stay away from skinny queens in Vegas. That's where we send the worst offenders.

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Comments (13)

james woods rules:

Jason Castro Kicks Ass. I am glad he got kicked off. American Idol sucks. He deserves to make a better record than AI will ever let him make. Look at the lame asses that have won in the past. Who listens to that crappy music?

I will miss looking at him, though. I will miss his tight Texas jeans.

james woods rules:

Oh and FLIPIT? I Heart You!

carmelicious:

Flipit - it is a true talent to write something so friggin funny about such a sad show! You are awesome.

My favorite had to be this photocap:
"Fetus! Your bad haircut has grown another forehead with an equally bad haircut! "

No arguing that the fetus can sing, but I swear, every time he gets on stage I feel like I'm being punished, with a week at bible camp, with no wine, and no dancing, basically that I'm living in Footloose Part 2 and Kevin Bacon has been killed off by Fetus's crazy father and Fetus sings a new version of "Lets Hear it for the Boy, a Boy Named Jesus!" okay..that was a weird tanget, but bottom line, I miss Carly, she was fun.

georgiababe:

I seriously laughed so hard this episode I almost cried. First, at the horrific, atrocious, cheesy beyond cheesy choreography, then at the matador outfit commercial. Seriously. WTF?

I felt bad for Cook when that Emily woman phoned - he was obviously trying to be nice, but I would be super creeped out. She sounded WAY older than 24, but she's actually not bad looking. She fessed up on the AI boards and if that's her, she's not fug. But she still has a man voice.

I don't understand all the hate Flip. I love Cook. I'm over Archuleta, but David Cook is definitely the most versatile one left. Plus, I think he's hot. And we're soulmates, as I already established in my comments for this week's Tuesday ep.

So vote for David Cook!

georgiababe:

Also, can the contestants see the questions on the screen? Or are they digitally added for the TV viewers or smoething?

Because when that woman asked Cook if he was single, Carly and Brooke were laughing before the question was even read and he looked super embarassed, but this time, there was nothing until Emily actually asked the question.

bigjr6633:

Oh Flipit, were on the same page as usual.

For weeks I was like Jason Castro doesn't give a damn so why should we, then I realized that's what I liked about him. Being as this show has become a corny cheese fest catering to boring disney type people like David A. It's nice to see people like Jason who couldn't give a shit and making this show seem like a joke when this show really is a joke.

David A. is a robot and as much as like David Cook and Syesha, this is the most boring final 3 ever in the history of the show.

With that said, I would throw a party if David Cook/Syesha made the final two knocking out American Idol's lovechild David Archeluta.

juddfan:

georgiababe, the hate is all my fault!!! I had Flipit join my office pool and he's not doing anywhere near as awesomely as he recaps (HEART FLIP) I might even win, which, gulp, I sooo didn't expect, but i did guess Syesha in top 3--which I think was brave, and I did pickDC for the win, so if he gets it, everyone in the pool will HATE me . . . . sigh . . . ya just can't win. And they'll never do a pool with my *ss again, so next year, when all of you who swear you'll never watch this show again, change your mind and watch it and decide to do a pool, I'll join! I swear!

That my dead brain comment . . . wha . . .
I'm glad Syesha did scrape her way into the top 3, I would rather hear her sing than Jason, but don't you worry Castroians, I'm sure he'll get the record deal she wont! And she's ten times more likely to be the cat singing "Memory" to boot!!!

fire@will:

Thanks for recapping all the parts I FF over. You are AWE(sum).

I say we elect Fetus so the other two can vault right into their careers. (David recording and Syesha on Broadway).

Tracy:

Cook doesn't need AI title ,he'll get a record deal with out it.Syesha will go home next week and Archuleta and Cook will be finalists.Thats my prediction.Cook rocks!

killbondnow:

"Just in case you missed it" video = I heart you Flipit! The only reason we watch the show at all is to guess what you and T.Vo will screencap and what the captions will say. I totally won right on the money this week with T.Vo's "This won't hurt a bit" with image of Seacrest beyind DA w/hands on shoulders. Creeparama.

fire@will:

Just in... Fetus's dad, Jeff, has been banned by AI from all but appearing in the audience for the live shows. He was the backstage dad from heck, but the final straw was his getting Fetus to insert words from another song into "Stand by Me". AI had said no, don't make the change, but Fetus sang it live with the changes (no whipping from Pa that week, I guess) and now AI has expensive royalty problems.
Supposedly, Jeff was always annoying to not only the producers, but the band and crew and even the other contestants. Maybe we'll see a differece in Fetus this week?

georgiababe:

Okay, I wondered where those lyrics came from because I knew that they're not part of the original song.

Poor little Archie.

juddfan:

Cool info fire@will!!! I heard it was Sean Kingston he was referencing, which was silly for him to do--whether it's youth, or just lack of life experience, there is nothing more awkward than Fetus shouting out the beautiful girls!

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