"These faces have been on your screens for over three months. You know more about these tools than any other season. You are voting more passionately than ever, but one of them has to go."
For a second, I thought Seabreath was breaking the fourth wall and talking directly to me. I was so startled I dropped my Brooke White voodoo doll. Then I realized I am utterly trapped by the glorious gongshow that is American Idol!
I apologize for any confusion as Flipit and I have been tag-teaming AI every week. I'll do the performances and he'll do the results one week, then we switch the next. But he never gets accused of being racist when pointing out equine-looking hairstyles that would've looked horsey on anyone, white, black, pink, or Muppet. I assure you that I am not. I am, however, incredibly fontist in my blind hatred for crappy fonts.
It's 7:55 PM, and I am still finishing up the final touches on my Brooke White voodoo doll. I dunked her in a tub filled with the tears of 30 babies (I live close to a daycare center, okay?) because no matter what the results are tonight, she's going to be bawling. But it'd be even better if she was finally eliminated. I can always hope for a Christmas miracle.
I spy Kristy Lee in the audience! Seabreath is still reeling from last night and claims it was the fastest show, with 45 million votes locked in. Is that a new record? How sad is it that that's a higher turnout than we'll get in November?
After the inebriated shitshow of Tuesday, Randy is back to his man-cardigans (this one is trimmed in green) and Simon is his usual self in a grey v-neck pullover. As for Paula, she's traded the prom dress and flask of rum for a headband, sleek, flatironed hair, and a sheath dress. Chic.
Paula before the Betty Ford Center:
After:
I'm going to be on Gossip Girl!
Neil Diamond SuperHappySingalongFunMedleyTime!
Castro kicks off "Cracklin' Rosie" and strolls across the stage while the other four sway back and fourth on the safety seat bench. Ten seconds later, I am already seasick.
Then Fetus takes the lead while Brooke and Syesha are forced to get up and twirl from their current positions into the seat openings next to Castro and David Cook. If Brooke fucks this one up, do you think she'll ask the band to start over? Either way, the choreographers are snickering backstage since they know this is Brooke's Achilles' heel.
Whee!
The group sing is super-breathy and anemic, like they've been starved all day (or for the last three months). There's no vocal power behind the song. I am le tired. Brooke segues into "Song Sung Blue" accompanied by Syesha, and I throw my voodoo doll at the TV, hoping it fast forwards magically for me. Syesha's either saving her chops in case she has to sing her song swan tonight, or has decided to play a delicate invalid to highlight how awkward Brooke can really be as a performer. Also, Brooke sings something about weeping like a willow, so I am convinced she is gonna be sent packing tonight. Foreshadowing, people - it's a great literary and reality tv device.
After some awkward side stepping/shuffling-like moves (think middle school dance) "Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show" has even more cheesy choreography, like back-to-back sashaying. Brooke and Cook demonstrate the proper technique, while Syesha does not want any of Castro's dirty dreads touching her bare skin.
Who are you calling a cootie queen, you lint licker?
Also, this arrangement made me giggle:
Fetus and the Weirdest Custody Battle Ever
Fetus gets a ridiculously huge round of applause as he solos in the center as the Axis of Awesome (in the eyes of his teen fans, not mine). Finally, David Cook pretends to be a Baptist preacher telling us to love our brothers, mmmkay? Twenty Hallelujahs later, our contestants check how their deodorant is holding up on the final notes. Everyone except Syesha.
Did you miss the memo?
In the time it took for them to complete the medley, I built a teleportation device out Frisbees, 36 cent tacos, and duct-tape, went to the future, and established myself as the leader of a wildly successful religious movement called Sanstology, a world where there is no Comic Sans font or Brooke White for that matter.
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Comments (20)
"Fetus and the Weirdest Custody Battle Ever" Priceless!!!
And the group-sing choreography had Brady Bunch "Sunshine Day" written all over it.
1 of 20 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on May 1, 2008 9:00 PM
Thank Goodness for Vodoo dolls! Yay! I am so happy she is finally gone and LOVED when she messed up the lyrics of her exit song, too sweet!
2 of 20 | Posted by ecthelion | Posted on May 1, 2008 9:46 PM
that last paragraph was priceless.
..24 year old nanny with a 40 year old neck..
Brooke is that girl everyone needs to stay away from. The one you don't want to be responsible for breaking up with because the scene would be."but whyyyy-hee..heeee...(sob) WHY DON"T YOU WANT TO BE WITH MEEEEE!"
Assumed Syesha would go because of the Simon kiss of death the night before..but now i realize Simon is just a bit too confident of his mysterious powers of prediction. It was probably good for her to hear that , tho..and prepare her for getting voted off, and then employed by the Schubert organization.
Seabreath has such a man crush on D.Cooke. He so wants to cuddle.
3 of 20 | Posted by dredge | Posted on May 2, 2008 10:26 AM
Who are you calling a cootie queen, you lint licker?
My favorite quote ever!
I am soooooo happy I don'thave to look at Brooke sing anymore. It was truly painful!
4 of 20 | Posted by menomor3 | Posted on May 2, 2008 11:08 AM
Funniest. Recap. Ever.
i heart you and your Brooke White voodoo doll!
5 of 20 | Posted by kaina01 | Posted on May 2, 2008 11:24 AM
Thanks T.Vo and Flipit for all the great entertainment! I've been a lurker here for some time but now feel compelled to comment: Cooke will be lucky and better off if booted soon; we all know runner ups can be more successful than the whiners I mean winners. As the winner, the fetus can get on with his christian rock career and would make a good singing match with Jordan Sparks. And they should give Taylor Hicks a call I'm sure he has some space in his schedule.
6 of 20 | Posted by stat | Posted on May 2, 2008 11:27 AM
I agree with all above, fantastic recap, and I hope Flipit was poking his Brooke voodoo doll with the old, dirty needles I sent too!!!
WOW, we are down to the end here . . . wont it be amazing if Syesha scrapped the bottom for weeks and makes it to the top three--or a three boy finale, with one of the weakest vocalists of AI history . . . wow indeed!!!!
You guys are better than the show, and once again, not a single point in the pool!!!! We're baffled!!!!
7 of 20 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 2, 2008 11:40 AM
also, was it me, that Neil Diamond song was awfullllll!!!!!! not meaning to be disrespectful, and I guess he's out in force singing it elsewhere--I mean, he sounded good, and he looks better IMHO than he did with that receding mullet of his whole career, but that was so personal, and schmaltzy, no!?
8 of 20 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 2, 2008 1:24 PM
Has anyone forgotten Justin Guarin aka Side Show Bob was runner up to Kelly Clarkson in the first season of AI? That guy can't even sing birthday song even if David Foster coach him. My fear that Jar Jar Blink will end up with David Archoo in the final two.
9 of 20 | Posted by bambinoitaliano | Posted on May 2, 2008 6:22 PM
Am I the only one who noticed that when what's-her-face asked if she could go over and give "David" a hug and jogged over to the safe couch, Cook totally stood up like "yeah baby"? Go back and watch it! I'm not crazy. I even like DC, but that was pretty effed up!
10 of 20 | Posted by timberwolf | Posted on May 3, 2008 10:39 AM
Nice recap! I loved the pic at the beginning with the "weirdest custody battle ever" caption. Hilarious! Flipit's version of the Neil Diamond song was pretty funny as well. Nice job. :-)
11 of 20 | Posted by JustJesse | Posted on May 3, 2008 12:31 PM
Syesha WAS NOT in the bottom 2, people. Ryan, never said that she was. He said that one of you is safe and one of you is leaving us. I think that Jason was actually in yhe bottom, but because of Paula's faux pas, they had to make him believe that he was safe (which he was technically) as a "We're sorry" kind of gesture.
12 of 20 | Posted by Casiopee | Posted on May 3, 2008 4:49 PM
Casiopee,
Okay, so Ryan never said that EITHER of them was in the bottom two then. I mean, its assumed that Brooke was since she went home, but if he said one of you is safe and one of you is leaving, like you said...
And just because you "think" Jason was in the bottom 2, doesn't mean he was. For all we know, David Archuleta was in the bottom 2, they just put Syesha down there with Brooke because having been truthfully in the bottom 2 so many times, she would be better apt to handling the situtation then the little boy would be.
13 of 20 | Posted by JustJesse | Posted on May 3, 2008 6:09 PM
Dialidol had Syesha as the number one person of the night, actually, but even they don't know how accurate that is. That surprised the hell out of me, because the David's have been disgustingly popular, so I'm not inclined to believe that their prediction was totally true.
Either way, this week proved to me that there IS a god. He's just really slow on delivering these miracles, I guess. Let's hope he ousts Jason next week. As much as I hate the Fetus, he can at least sing more than 3 notes.
14 of 20 | Posted by gildedlulz | Posted on May 3, 2008 11:04 PM
I wonder if Brooke has the thick skin to be happy as a performer. She may be better off as a writer, composer or something. Or even just stick to local (free) theatre.
It was certainly past Brooke's turn to go. I think Jason should be next, leading up to an all-David final. But it seldom works out the way I expect.
Funny recap! (Custody battle. LOL) I really enjoy reading about the parts I FF'd past.
15 of 20 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on May 4, 2008 8:45 AM
Awesome recap! I laughed throughout it -- especially the "custody battle" screencap + Flipit's AMAZING interpretation of "Amazing Amazing Amazing." ROFL!
16 of 20 | Posted by zbird | Posted on May 4, 2008 9:12 AM
I just realized that David Cook and I are soulmates. We both play guitar left handed.
LOVE. Vote for David Cook!
17 of 20 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 4, 2008 2:12 PM
Also, serious LOL at the second last screencap. Cook's face is hilarious.
18 of 20 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 4, 2008 3:34 PM
LOVED the bra snapping comment!!! Has any guy ever looked more awkward trying to console a chick??
19 of 20 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on May 5, 2008 3:22 AM
I didn't even watch this finale. I just fast-forwarded to the end and - bam! - there was Brooke bawling.
Funny recap, thanks T.Vo & Flip.
HEY - whatever happened to the second part of Paula's drunken comment? If she really *was* talking about David Cook's performance, it didn't fit, and if she was going off the notes from the rehearsal, it didn't fit either -- "less of your charm in your second song - you are not trying as hard" or some such.
Paula ended up ditching her second comment in her utter confusion.
Oh, why am I even bothering to try to understand that drug-addled dipstick chick?!
20 of 20 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on May 5, 2008 11:24 AM