Seabreath visits with former Idol hopefuls/rejects from previous seasons, Constantine and Gina. Something about Fox Reality and American Idol + Extra and contractual obligations and steady paychecks 'cause no one else will hire them to sing. Gina's dressed up in all the cheap stripper wear you can get on Hollywood Blvd, while Constantine just looks greasy Euro Trash. Seacrest gets Constantine to pout. It is incredibly pathetic.
Bad news, even the lady behind you is mocking you.
And now, for something completely different!
Carrie's from Oklahoma but her boobs are from California, obviously.
I imagine all the bridezillas of the world ripping their fiancés a new one for mistakenly buying Carrie Underwood stamps for their wedding invites and I immediately feel better.
A recap of last night is played. I will spare you the gory details. Instead, I thought about yummy snacks I could make. Like bacon popcorn. Mmm, bacon.
"I am delicious, and totally healthy for you!"
Seabreath mentions that last night the judges were "thrown a curveball" on the show, being live and all, and that Paula's flashback to the future was widely discussed on gossip sites and blogs. Seabreath then admits to getting his news from Perez Hilton, TMZ, and The Superficial and defends Paula with an ambiguous : "The rumors, they're not true. She's part of our family, and we love her. Also, Simon still wants to hook up with her."
Way to dance around the issue and not tell us exactly what the rumor is. But seriously. Paula must've watched the rehearsal and pre-show run-throughs, and jotted down notes ahead of time, so why can't they just fess up and admit that Idol isn't completely fresh when it comes to the judging? She also spent all day crying whilst in a Cheeto Orange spray-tanning booth.
Up first: Jason Castro. Seabreath calls him "J.Cas." Worst. Nickname. Ever. I know he boned his performances but enough teenyboppers who read Tiger Beat magazine, Jack Johnson fans, and college stoners saved him. Castro's confused as to why he's still here.
My thoughts exactly.
He's sent to the couch of safety! But not before acknowledging that he only does well on weeks where he really knows/loves the songs and/or changed up their arrangements, and this week was not one of them. Hee. Also is he wearing a dark denim shirt over jeans? I can't tell, my TV is not HD.
Fetus is called to the stage next. There is no way he's in the bottom 2, unless this is opposite day and no one told me. Tuesday was Free Scoop Day at Ben and Jerry's, and I am sad I am missing 31 cent cone day at Baskin-Robbins. The sacrifices I make for you, AI.
Isn't "America" about the hopes and dreams of immigrants on boats and planes? It's interesting that Simon says the song was a smart choice because I thought most of AI's Midwestern/Southern fans are patriots in favor of erecting a giant wall between us and Mexico. Not to mention Canada. I suppose they don't pay attention to the lyrics so much, or Archuleta's last name.
Paula insists that she wants to see more joy on Fetus' face when he performs. Dude. More joy? The kid is miserable. He was singing patriotic ballads before his mom's placenta came out. Don't rub salt in the wounds, Paula. Fetus is safe, durrrrrr!
Fetus continues to act stunned/surprised/deer-in-headlights when he learns he's safe for another week. He stumbles dazedly towards the safety couch, half "You love me? You really love me?" and half "Oh god, I still have to sing next week." Ugh. Maybe it's not an act, but utter naiveté. Perhaps he really is that humble because his dad punishes him for the tiniest fumbles and mistakes and never built up his self-esteem. Or maybe Fetus tried to bone it this week and failed.
Save the "Oh god, I just woke up in TJ without my promise ring and pants after being roofied by that nice midget who bought me cheese sticks" face for later.
Also, Fetus' mom makes Miley Cyrus' "teen harlot" red pout in Vanity Fair look tasteful and Puritanesque.
And don't forget the hot sauce, cholo!
Next week is going to see Syesha get kicked off (if she isn't tonight), 'cause it's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame time = David Cook passes go and collects $200. Once Fetus was confirmed safe, I knew it was Syesha and Brooke in the bottom 2. Which means that David Cook is safe as well, and we're going to have a whole lotta filler before we find out which girl is walking the plank.
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Comments (20)
"Fetus and the Weirdest Custody Battle Ever" Priceless!!!
And the group-sing choreography had Brady Bunch "Sunshine Day" written all over it.
1 of 20 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on May 1, 2008 9:00 PM
Thank Goodness for Vodoo dolls! Yay! I am so happy she is finally gone and LOVED when she messed up the lyrics of her exit song, too sweet!
2 of 20 | Posted by ecthelion | Posted on May 1, 2008 9:46 PM
that last paragraph was priceless.
..24 year old nanny with a 40 year old neck..
Brooke is that girl everyone needs to stay away from. The one you don't want to be responsible for breaking up with because the scene would be."but whyyyy-hee..heeee...(sob) WHY DON"T YOU WANT TO BE WITH MEEEEE!"
Assumed Syesha would go because of the Simon kiss of death the night before..but now i realize Simon is just a bit too confident of his mysterious powers of prediction. It was probably good for her to hear that , tho..and prepare her for getting voted off, and then employed by the Schubert organization.
Seabreath has such a man crush on D.Cooke. He so wants to cuddle.
3 of 20 | Posted by dredge | Posted on May 2, 2008 10:26 AM
Who are you calling a cootie queen, you lint licker?
My favorite quote ever!
I am soooooo happy I don'thave to look at Brooke sing anymore. It was truly painful!
4 of 20 | Posted by menomor3 | Posted on May 2, 2008 11:08 AM
Funniest. Recap. Ever.
i heart you and your Brooke White voodoo doll!
5 of 20 | Posted by kaina01 | Posted on May 2, 2008 11:24 AM
Thanks T.Vo and Flipit for all the great entertainment! I've been a lurker here for some time but now feel compelled to comment: Cooke will be lucky and better off if booted soon; we all know runner ups can be more successful than the whiners I mean winners. As the winner, the fetus can get on with his christian rock career and would make a good singing match with Jordan Sparks. And they should give Taylor Hicks a call I'm sure he has some space in his schedule.
6 of 20 | Posted by stat | Posted on May 2, 2008 11:27 AM
I agree with all above, fantastic recap, and I hope Flipit was poking his Brooke voodoo doll with the old, dirty needles I sent too!!!
WOW, we are down to the end here . . . wont it be amazing if Syesha scrapped the bottom for weeks and makes it to the top three--or a three boy finale, with one of the weakest vocalists of AI history . . . wow indeed!!!!
You guys are better than the show, and once again, not a single point in the pool!!!! We're baffled!!!!
7 of 20 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 2, 2008 11:40 AM
also, was it me, that Neil Diamond song was awfullllll!!!!!! not meaning to be disrespectful, and I guess he's out in force singing it elsewhere--I mean, he sounded good, and he looks better IMHO than he did with that receding mullet of his whole career, but that was so personal, and schmaltzy, no!?
8 of 20 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 2, 2008 1:24 PM
Has anyone forgotten Justin Guarin aka Side Show Bob was runner up to Kelly Clarkson in the first season of AI? That guy can't even sing birthday song even if David Foster coach him. My fear that Jar Jar Blink will end up with David Archoo in the final two.
9 of 20 | Posted by bambinoitaliano | Posted on May 2, 2008 6:22 PM
Am I the only one who noticed that when what's-her-face asked if she could go over and give "David" a hug and jogged over to the safe couch, Cook totally stood up like "yeah baby"? Go back and watch it! I'm not crazy. I even like DC, but that was pretty effed up!
10 of 20 | Posted by timberwolf | Posted on May 3, 2008 10:39 AM
Nice recap! I loved the pic at the beginning with the "weirdest custody battle ever" caption. Hilarious! Flipit's version of the Neil Diamond song was pretty funny as well. Nice job. :-)
11 of 20 | Posted by JustJesse | Posted on May 3, 2008 12:31 PM
Syesha WAS NOT in the bottom 2, people. Ryan, never said that she was. He said that one of you is safe and one of you is leaving us. I think that Jason was actually in yhe bottom, but because of Paula's faux pas, they had to make him believe that he was safe (which he was technically) as a "We're sorry" kind of gesture.
12 of 20 | Posted by Casiopee | Posted on May 3, 2008 4:49 PM
Casiopee,
Okay, so Ryan never said that EITHER of them was in the bottom two then. I mean, its assumed that Brooke was since she went home, but if he said one of you is safe and one of you is leaving, like you said...
And just because you "think" Jason was in the bottom 2, doesn't mean he was. For all we know, David Archuleta was in the bottom 2, they just put Syesha down there with Brooke because having been truthfully in the bottom 2 so many times, she would be better apt to handling the situtation then the little boy would be.
13 of 20 | Posted by JustJesse | Posted on May 3, 2008 6:09 PM
Dialidol had Syesha as the number one person of the night, actually, but even they don't know how accurate that is. That surprised the hell out of me, because the David's have been disgustingly popular, so I'm not inclined to believe that their prediction was totally true.
Either way, this week proved to me that there IS a god. He's just really slow on delivering these miracles, I guess. Let's hope he ousts Jason next week. As much as I hate the Fetus, he can at least sing more than 3 notes.
14 of 20 | Posted by gildedlulz | Posted on May 3, 2008 11:04 PM
I wonder if Brooke has the thick skin to be happy as a performer. She may be better off as a writer, composer or something. Or even just stick to local (free) theatre.
It was certainly past Brooke's turn to go. I think Jason should be next, leading up to an all-David final. But it seldom works out the way I expect.
Funny recap! (Custody battle. LOL) I really enjoy reading about the parts I FF'd past.
15 of 20 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on May 4, 2008 8:45 AM
Awesome recap! I laughed throughout it -- especially the "custody battle" screencap + Flipit's AMAZING interpretation of "Amazing Amazing Amazing." ROFL!
16 of 20 | Posted by zbird | Posted on May 4, 2008 9:12 AM
I just realized that David Cook and I are soulmates. We both play guitar left handed.
LOVE. Vote for David Cook!
17 of 20 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 4, 2008 2:12 PM
Also, serious LOL at the second last screencap. Cook's face is hilarious.
18 of 20 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 4, 2008 3:34 PM
LOVED the bra snapping comment!!! Has any guy ever looked more awkward trying to console a chick??
19 of 20 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on May 5, 2008 3:22 AM
I didn't even watch this finale. I just fast-forwarded to the end and - bam! - there was Brooke bawling.
Funny recap, thanks T.Vo & Flip.
HEY - whatever happened to the second part of Paula's drunken comment? If she really *was* talking about David Cook's performance, it didn't fit, and if she was going off the notes from the rehearsal, it didn't fit either -- "less of your charm in your second song - you are not trying as hard" or some such.
Paula ended up ditching her second comment in her utter confusion.
Oh, why am I even bothering to try to understand that drug-addled dipstick chick?!
20 of 20 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on May 5, 2008 11:24 AM