And now, for a preview of next season's SO! YOU! THINK! YOU! CAN! DANCE! Spills. Tears. Midriff-baring belly shirts. Reverse pushups. Breakdancing. Screaming Mary.
And Jellybones McGee here.
And, of course, Nigel, who is on the side of the stage critiquing Seacrest's hosting abilities, with his right hand in a cast.
The closest my TV will ever come to having Picture-in-Picture.
Stalling for more time, we are treated to Randy modeling the winner of the Creative Coca-Cola Cup Contest. By the time we're done with that part of the filler, I have taught myself Latin, Portuguese, and how to perform open heart surgery using only a paperclip, a silly straw, and some string cheese.
Have some more Kool-Aid, it's delightful.
David Cook is officially announced as safe, and Brooke immediately starts blubbering like a faithful elf who's learned that Santa Claus is really a pedophile who suffers from erectile dysfunction.
Syesha and Brooke come out on stage. Syesha is staring daggers into Brooke's back. Brooke is already red and blotchy and sniffling while Syesha just smiles bravely like the pro that she is. Jesus, Brooke, even God hates you by now. I liked that you didn't fit the pop-idol mold with your singer/songwriter voice and instruments, but I'm over your excuses, do-overs, and lack of performance chops.
A visual definition of Frenemies, by T.Vo:
"I hate you more than LC hates Heidi and practical clothing combined."
But first! Natasha Bedingfield, followed by Neil Diamond.
Something whoa-oh pocketful of sunshine. Maybe it's completely different microphones and vocal effects (like the wah-wah one) but Natasha Bedingfield's voice projects way more than any of the voices during the group sing. I'm perplexed. Her song is a lot poppier than the one that was immortalized as the intro song for The Hills, which had a singer-songwriter streak in it. You can run, but you can't hide, Natasha. MTV knows where you sleep.
Her top is also flesh colored, matching her skintone perfectly. Paired with high-waisted pants, she's a hippie and Navy crew member in one. Pants that eat your feet are never a good fashion choice.That was a huge mistake. I've seen Brooke's future, and it looks like this (give it two years):
"The sun is on my side / it takes me for a ride" -- Yeah, a ride to wrinkles and cancer.
Paula is loving it because "Pocketful of Sunshine" could be played on top of "Dance like There's No Tomorrow" and we'd never know the difference.
After some embarrassing Seacrest banter (he asks her about her first audition, but she never had to audition for this show), Natasha prances over to the safety couch and gives Fetus a kiss and a hug. Dude, Fetus is only 17, Natasha! Jokes about Fetus inviting her to his prom ensue.
Stupid Viewer Questions Time, or, Things Even a Public Access Channel Won't Stoop To In Order To Kill Time!
Things we learn: Paula is sweet because it's a side effect of her medications, Randy may appear as an animated dog in an upcoming music video, and Simon is called a squirrel.
The last caller happens to be Simon's first kiss (when he was 9). Seacrest looks envious. Tara Miller, age 45, reminds Simon that he had no idea what he was doing and asks if the kiss was as memorable as his kiss with Paula. Aw. It's worth it to see Simon blush and squirm, but he appears to have fond memories of this woman in this segment of This Is Your Life. Tara jokes that she's fine after all the therapy she's had. How much did they pay her to call in? I'm betting at least a Ford Hybrid.
I'm going to ignore the Ford "Catch the Wind" commercial, which is, as usual, bizarre, surreal, and claims to reverse the seasons as well as global warming. It did not happen. Moving along.
Neil Diamond is sadly wearing neither sequins nor a scarf. Just a woven leather jacket, like he's a fancy Bottega Veneta handbag. What is this song? A Latin-tinged song called "Pretty Amazing" complete with sassy dancing back-up singers. It is "Amazing Grace" with a horn section. That's all you need to know. Still impressive for a man who's allegedly sold over 120 million records (third after Elton and Babs) and whose middle name is Leslie. Just in case you missed it, here's Flipit's version:
Love and truth and hope and grace! And a right eye, I could totes use another one.
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Comments (20)
"Fetus and the Weirdest Custody Battle Ever" Priceless!!!
And the group-sing choreography had Brady Bunch "Sunshine Day" written all over it.
1 of 20 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on May 1, 2008 9:00 PM
Thank Goodness for Vodoo dolls! Yay! I am so happy she is finally gone and LOVED when she messed up the lyrics of her exit song, too sweet!
2 of 20 | Posted by ecthelion | Posted on May 1, 2008 9:46 PM
that last paragraph was priceless.
..24 year old nanny with a 40 year old neck..
Brooke is that girl everyone needs to stay away from. The one you don't want to be responsible for breaking up with because the scene would be."but whyyyy-hee..heeee...(sob) WHY DON"T YOU WANT TO BE WITH MEEEEE!"
Assumed Syesha would go because of the Simon kiss of death the night before..but now i realize Simon is just a bit too confident of his mysterious powers of prediction. It was probably good for her to hear that , tho..and prepare her for getting voted off, and then employed by the Schubert organization.
Seabreath has such a man crush on D.Cooke. He so wants to cuddle.
3 of 20 | Posted by dredge | Posted on May 2, 2008 10:26 AM
Who are you calling a cootie queen, you lint licker?
My favorite quote ever!
I am soooooo happy I don'thave to look at Brooke sing anymore. It was truly painful!
4 of 20 | Posted by menomor3 | Posted on May 2, 2008 11:08 AM
Funniest. Recap. Ever.
i heart you and your Brooke White voodoo doll!
5 of 20 | Posted by kaina01 | Posted on May 2, 2008 11:24 AM
Thanks T.Vo and Flipit for all the great entertainment! I've been a lurker here for some time but now feel compelled to comment: Cooke will be lucky and better off if booted soon; we all know runner ups can be more successful than the whiners I mean winners. As the winner, the fetus can get on with his christian rock career and would make a good singing match with Jordan Sparks. And they should give Taylor Hicks a call I'm sure he has some space in his schedule.
6 of 20 | Posted by stat | Posted on May 2, 2008 11:27 AM
I agree with all above, fantastic recap, and I hope Flipit was poking his Brooke voodoo doll with the old, dirty needles I sent too!!!
WOW, we are down to the end here . . . wont it be amazing if Syesha scrapped the bottom for weeks and makes it to the top three--or a three boy finale, with one of the weakest vocalists of AI history . . . wow indeed!!!!
You guys are better than the show, and once again, not a single point in the pool!!!! We're baffled!!!!
7 of 20 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 2, 2008 11:40 AM
also, was it me, that Neil Diamond song was awfullllll!!!!!! not meaning to be disrespectful, and I guess he's out in force singing it elsewhere--I mean, he sounded good, and he looks better IMHO than he did with that receding mullet of his whole career, but that was so personal, and schmaltzy, no!?
8 of 20 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 2, 2008 1:24 PM
Has anyone forgotten Justin Guarin aka Side Show Bob was runner up to Kelly Clarkson in the first season of AI? That guy can't even sing birthday song even if David Foster coach him. My fear that Jar Jar Blink will end up with David Archoo in the final two.
9 of 20 | Posted by bambinoitaliano | Posted on May 2, 2008 6:22 PM
Am I the only one who noticed that when what's-her-face asked if she could go over and give "David" a hug and jogged over to the safe couch, Cook totally stood up like "yeah baby"? Go back and watch it! I'm not crazy. I even like DC, but that was pretty effed up!
10 of 20 | Posted by timberwolf | Posted on May 3, 2008 10:39 AM
Nice recap! I loved the pic at the beginning with the "weirdest custody battle ever" caption. Hilarious! Flipit's version of the Neil Diamond song was pretty funny as well. Nice job. :-)
11 of 20 | Posted by JustJesse | Posted on May 3, 2008 12:31 PM
Syesha WAS NOT in the bottom 2, people. Ryan, never said that she was. He said that one of you is safe and one of you is leaving us. I think that Jason was actually in yhe bottom, but because of Paula's faux pas, they had to make him believe that he was safe (which he was technically) as a "We're sorry" kind of gesture.
12 of 20 | Posted by Casiopee | Posted on May 3, 2008 4:49 PM
Casiopee,
Okay, so Ryan never said that EITHER of them was in the bottom two then. I mean, its assumed that Brooke was since she went home, but if he said one of you is safe and one of you is leaving, like you said...
And just because you "think" Jason was in the bottom 2, doesn't mean he was. For all we know, David Archuleta was in the bottom 2, they just put Syesha down there with Brooke because having been truthfully in the bottom 2 so many times, she would be better apt to handling the situtation then the little boy would be.
13 of 20 | Posted by JustJesse | Posted on May 3, 2008 6:09 PM
Dialidol had Syesha as the number one person of the night, actually, but even they don't know how accurate that is. That surprised the hell out of me, because the David's have been disgustingly popular, so I'm not inclined to believe that their prediction was totally true.
Either way, this week proved to me that there IS a god. He's just really slow on delivering these miracles, I guess. Let's hope he ousts Jason next week. As much as I hate the Fetus, he can at least sing more than 3 notes.
14 of 20 | Posted by gildedlulz | Posted on May 3, 2008 11:04 PM
I wonder if Brooke has the thick skin to be happy as a performer. She may be better off as a writer, composer or something. Or even just stick to local (free) theatre.
It was certainly past Brooke's turn to go. I think Jason should be next, leading up to an all-David final. But it seldom works out the way I expect.
Funny recap! (Custody battle. LOL) I really enjoy reading about the parts I FF'd past.
15 of 20 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on May 4, 2008 8:45 AM
Awesome recap! I laughed throughout it -- especially the "custody battle" screencap + Flipit's AMAZING interpretation of "Amazing Amazing Amazing." ROFL!
16 of 20 | Posted by zbird | Posted on May 4, 2008 9:12 AM
I just realized that David Cook and I are soulmates. We both play guitar left handed.
LOVE. Vote for David Cook!
17 of 20 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 4, 2008 2:12 PM
Also, serious LOL at the second last screencap. Cook's face is hilarious.
18 of 20 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 4, 2008 3:34 PM
LOVED the bra snapping comment!!! Has any guy ever looked more awkward trying to console a chick??
19 of 20 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on May 5, 2008 3:22 AM
I didn't even watch this finale. I just fast-forwarded to the end and - bam! - there was Brooke bawling.
Funny recap, thanks T.Vo & Flip.
HEY - whatever happened to the second part of Paula's drunken comment? If she really *was* talking about David Cook's performance, it didn't fit, and if she was going off the notes from the rehearsal, it didn't fit either -- "less of your charm in your second song - you are not trying as hard" or some such.
Paula ended up ditching her second comment in her utter confusion.
Oh, why am I even bothering to try to understand that drug-addled dipstick chick?!
20 of 20 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on May 5, 2008 11:24 AM