I am shocked when Neil reveals his mommy is in the audience, but I do a quick Google search and he's only 67. Dude. Neil Diamond is younger than John McCain. Mama Diamond is one tough cookie.
The poor man's Dr. Ruth.
Finally, finally, finally, after some Fox commercials about how you can make your two-year-old learn how to read, we're going to get some results. Sweet Jesus, how do they make this show feel like it's gone on for three hours? I could've gone to the DMV and the AT&T store already.
Subtle signs of patriotism may save you yet, Syesha.
Like ripping off a Band-Aid, Seacrest quickly announces that BROOKE IS GOING HOME! She wails, "I knew it!" and dissolves in a flood of tears. Woot! I brace myself and redunk my voodoo doll in the kitchen sink as Brooke clings to Seacrest and bawls. We get audible sobs and dry heaving sounds, and I can't help but feel a teeny bit bad. But it passes, and I am back to being thrilled that there is a God.
Brooke's farewell montage includes the following gems:
Brooke White: World's Best Stylist, Twirler, and Leprechaun Kicker
By this point, Brooke has totally broken down and lost it, and her Kleenex has given up on life. I am afraid she's going to have the band start over on her swansong. She forgets the lyrics and sings haltingly in a ragged voice. The song is so prophetic, about how she feels lost in LA and how it's not home and how she's herself. She's just so teary that she sounds like she's been chain-smoking for 100 years as she sandpapers the lyrics "I am sad-eyed."
And this is how to snap a girl's bra in front of millions of people.
The other contestants gather behind her awkwardly, unsure of what to do. Eventually, Brooke flings her mic hand down, and cuts the song short with a thank you, turning her back to the camera and audience just like her exit video. Boo! Entertain me, woman! All I can say is that Syesha would never act like this; she'd belt her little broken heart out and land herself a spot on Broadway.
"Hey, at least you didn't sell your pony for this."
It's the first time I ever recall the show not cutting off the song mid-note, because she's stopped prematurely. And that, Gasmii, concludes the story of Brooke White, the 24-year-old nanny with a 40-year-old neck, partial facial paralysis, and a propensity for do-overs. Let this be a lesson to all of you: don'tever admit to being an R-rated movie virgin on national television. See you next week, when we rock, roll, and pelvic thrust our way to the Top 3!
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Comments (20)
"Fetus and the Weirdest Custody Battle Ever" Priceless!!!
And the group-sing choreography had Brady Bunch "Sunshine Day" written all over it.
1 of 20 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on May 1, 2008 9:00 PM
Thank Goodness for Vodoo dolls! Yay! I am so happy she is finally gone and LOVED when she messed up the lyrics of her exit song, too sweet!
2 of 20 | Posted by ecthelion | Posted on May 1, 2008 9:46 PM
that last paragraph was priceless.
..24 year old nanny with a 40 year old neck..
Brooke is that girl everyone needs to stay away from. The one you don't want to be responsible for breaking up with because the scene would be."but whyyyy-hee..heeee...(sob) WHY DON"T YOU WANT TO BE WITH MEEEEE!"
Assumed Syesha would go because of the Simon kiss of death the night before..but now i realize Simon is just a bit too confident of his mysterious powers of prediction. It was probably good for her to hear that , tho..and prepare her for getting voted off, and then employed by the Schubert organization.
Seabreath has such a man crush on D.Cooke. He so wants to cuddle.
3 of 20 | Posted by dredge | Posted on May 2, 2008 10:26 AM
Who are you calling a cootie queen, you lint licker?
My favorite quote ever!
I am soooooo happy I don'thave to look at Brooke sing anymore. It was truly painful!
4 of 20 | Posted by menomor3 | Posted on May 2, 2008 11:08 AM
Funniest. Recap. Ever.
i heart you and your Brooke White voodoo doll!
5 of 20 | Posted by kaina01 | Posted on May 2, 2008 11:24 AM
Thanks T.Vo and Flipit for all the great entertainment! I've been a lurker here for some time but now feel compelled to comment: Cooke will be lucky and better off if booted soon; we all know runner ups can be more successful than the whiners I mean winners. As the winner, the fetus can get on with his christian rock career and would make a good singing match with Jordan Sparks. And they should give Taylor Hicks a call I'm sure he has some space in his schedule.
6 of 20 | Posted by stat | Posted on May 2, 2008 11:27 AM
I agree with all above, fantastic recap, and I hope Flipit was poking his Brooke voodoo doll with the old, dirty needles I sent too!!!
WOW, we are down to the end here . . . wont it be amazing if Syesha scrapped the bottom for weeks and makes it to the top three--or a three boy finale, with one of the weakest vocalists of AI history . . . wow indeed!!!!
You guys are better than the show, and once again, not a single point in the pool!!!! We're baffled!!!!
7 of 20 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 2, 2008 11:40 AM
also, was it me, that Neil Diamond song was awfullllll!!!!!! not meaning to be disrespectful, and I guess he's out in force singing it elsewhere--I mean, he sounded good, and he looks better IMHO than he did with that receding mullet of his whole career, but that was so personal, and schmaltzy, no!?
8 of 20 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 2, 2008 1:24 PM
Has anyone forgotten Justin Guarin aka Side Show Bob was runner up to Kelly Clarkson in the first season of AI? That guy can't even sing birthday song even if David Foster coach him. My fear that Jar Jar Blink will end up with David Archoo in the final two.
9 of 20 | Posted by bambinoitaliano | Posted on May 2, 2008 6:22 PM
Am I the only one who noticed that when what's-her-face asked if she could go over and give "David" a hug and jogged over to the safe couch, Cook totally stood up like "yeah baby"? Go back and watch it! I'm not crazy. I even like DC, but that was pretty effed up!
10 of 20 | Posted by timberwolf | Posted on May 3, 2008 10:39 AM
Nice recap! I loved the pic at the beginning with the "weirdest custody battle ever" caption. Hilarious! Flipit's version of the Neil Diamond song was pretty funny as well. Nice job. :-)
11 of 20 | Posted by JustJesse | Posted on May 3, 2008 12:31 PM
Syesha WAS NOT in the bottom 2, people. Ryan, never said that she was. He said that one of you is safe and one of you is leaving us. I think that Jason was actually in yhe bottom, but because of Paula's faux pas, they had to make him believe that he was safe (which he was technically) as a "We're sorry" kind of gesture.
12 of 20 | Posted by Casiopee | Posted on May 3, 2008 4:49 PM
Casiopee,
Okay, so Ryan never said that EITHER of them was in the bottom two then. I mean, its assumed that Brooke was since she went home, but if he said one of you is safe and one of you is leaving, like you said...
And just because you "think" Jason was in the bottom 2, doesn't mean he was. For all we know, David Archuleta was in the bottom 2, they just put Syesha down there with Brooke because having been truthfully in the bottom 2 so many times, she would be better apt to handling the situtation then the little boy would be.
13 of 20 | Posted by JustJesse | Posted on May 3, 2008 6:09 PM
Dialidol had Syesha as the number one person of the night, actually, but even they don't know how accurate that is. That surprised the hell out of me, because the David's have been disgustingly popular, so I'm not inclined to believe that their prediction was totally true.
Either way, this week proved to me that there IS a god. He's just really slow on delivering these miracles, I guess. Let's hope he ousts Jason next week. As much as I hate the Fetus, he can at least sing more than 3 notes.
14 of 20 | Posted by gildedlulz | Posted on May 3, 2008 11:04 PM
I wonder if Brooke has the thick skin to be happy as a performer. She may be better off as a writer, composer or something. Or even just stick to local (free) theatre.
It was certainly past Brooke's turn to go. I think Jason should be next, leading up to an all-David final. But it seldom works out the way I expect.
Funny recap! (Custody battle. LOL) I really enjoy reading about the parts I FF'd past.
15 of 20 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on May 4, 2008 8:45 AM
Awesome recap! I laughed throughout it -- especially the "custody battle" screencap + Flipit's AMAZING interpretation of "Amazing Amazing Amazing." ROFL!
16 of 20 | Posted by zbird | Posted on May 4, 2008 9:12 AM
I just realized that David Cook and I are soulmates. We both play guitar left handed.
LOVE. Vote for David Cook!
17 of 20 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 4, 2008 2:12 PM
Also, serious LOL at the second last screencap. Cook's face is hilarious.
18 of 20 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 4, 2008 3:34 PM
LOVED the bra snapping comment!!! Has any guy ever looked more awkward trying to console a chick??
19 of 20 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on May 5, 2008 3:22 AM
I didn't even watch this finale. I just fast-forwarded to the end and - bam! - there was Brooke bawling.
Funny recap, thanks T.Vo & Flip.
HEY - whatever happened to the second part of Paula's drunken comment? If she really *was* talking about David Cook's performance, it didn't fit, and if she was going off the notes from the rehearsal, it didn't fit either -- "less of your charm in your second song - you are not trying as hard" or some such.
Paula ended up ditching her second comment in her utter confusion.
Oh, why am I even bothering to try to understand that drug-addled dipstick chick?!
20 of 20 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on May 5, 2008 11:24 AM