A Welder. A bartender, A font designer (that's a job? Who made wingdings?). A comedian. A fortysomething year old, and a musical theater queen with an Elvira wig. THIS! Is American Idol!
Tink flits down from the rafters in a ... polo shirt? HUH? He's getting a little too casual for me. I know he's got like thirty jobs, but make an effort! Next week he's gonna show up in holey boxers and a stained wife beater. He begins by taunting the nervous newbies with the sight of the three chosen ones that made it from last week. I check to see if anyone's had a makeover yet, but we have to be more patient. I read in this week's TVGuide that Carly came back last week with veneers, better skin, and minus twenty pounds. Didn't even notice. No fair. We should be allowed to follow these "drastic" makeovers. If you're gonna shove three hours of this show down our throats every week, the least you could do is throw in a segment with Randy driving behind a running Carly yelling "dawg! Dawg! Dawg!" so we can see the mascara and Proactive sludge up her face.
It's a boob-off.
Tink intros the judges and asks Randy if he thinks this week will be easier than the last. He answers "yeah cuz you already got the nerves out." Tink kinda nods and winks and Randy realizes that this is a whole new group. He leans back on his "bring it dawg!" and Skara smiles and basically says what he said. More intelligibly, of course, but just as lamely. The best part is Paula, because she's barely even trying to pretend that she gives a shit any more.
I have a Mentalist waiting at home on the DVR.
She just sputters out "pick the right song!" and we move on to Simon. Tink gives him shit about the stories last week that he was complaining about the lighting casting a shadow and making his boobs look like double d's instead of the reasonable b he's maintained over the years. Simon claims that he was complaining for the contestants' sake, but Tink points out that he's moved to the other end of the table. LOL. I love that Simon goes home and worries about how he looks. I figured he just rolled out of bed, sucked the blood out of a newborn and got in his Rolls. Nice to know you care! He still looks the same in this lighting, though. Tink isn't so lucky. He looks like he's wearing flapjack batter and rouge.
Jasmine Murray is up first. She tells a cute story about how her mom would watch American Idol upstairs in her room and she'd yell down to the basement "Jasmine are you watching? You're gonna be on that show!" And every time Jasmine would get scared and snap her laptop shut thinking she was just about to get caught jerking off to hornybears.com. We get flashes of Hollywood week(s). Jasmine had to do her group audition with the weird dirty dread locked hippie girl and Bikini Whore. This is made to look like it was a bad thing, but if you can't look good between those two it's time to get back to the basement internet porn. She shone like a little star and here she is! I'm already rooting for her because she's at a disadvantage with her snore personality/story and she needs someone to believe in her, because the producers have put her first, which means they obviously don't.
If you want to do something positive for your kid, drive off a cliff yesterday.
She's singing "Love Song" by Sarah Burellis, which starts low and smokey. She handles that well, but when she pops into her belt, it's nasally. Like...country. She doesn't have any vibrato til her final note and she's off key and whiny sounding half the time. She does have good stage presence and she's confident and beautiful. I guess those qualities made me think she could, you know. SING. My bad. In her defense, all the backup singers are singing the melody, which just makes the whole thing sound like little girls at a slumber party.
Randy has a look of complete distaste on his face. He might not have liked it or he might be suffering the onset of carpal tunnel syndrome. How much does that jewelry on your wrist weigh there, tiger? There is some major diamond compensation going on here, and suddenly I kinda feel bad for shiny shiny Randy.
Sorry about your penis.
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Comments (33)
Laughed all the way through....Betty Davis forehead HAHAHA. Love you Flipit.
1 of 33 | Posted by Dominono | Posted on February 26, 2009 6:21 AM
Hilarious recap...it actually gave meaning to the AI train wreck from last night. You so nailed Adam Lambert / Hambert. Love the references to Elvira and Cher, and no doubt this "screaming mess of a queen" is going to be entertaining us for quite some time. Throw in Aunt Phyllis and it will start to look like an RSVP cruise.
2 of 33 | Posted by FlamingLips | Posted on February 26, 2009 7:13 AM
She's singing "Drops of Jupiter", but before she begins she promises not to let America down. Thank god. With a recession and trillions of dollars of debt, a shitty rendition of "Drops of Jupiter" might send us all on the path to mass suicide.
AMAZING. love it. i almost peed myself in the middle of the office. weak showing for idol last night, but the recap made it worth it.
3 of 33 | Posted by baymenxpac | Posted on February 26, 2009 8:17 AM
You are the most vicious, mean-spirited bitch writing for TVGASM. PLEASE NEVER CHANGE. You write some funny stuff.
BTW: you're going straight to Hell. I hope you realize that.(I'll try to get you a good room.)
I rarely vote for any of these wankers but last night I did; for welder bear, your uncle Phyllis and the girl with the chola bangs that hangs out by your local IN & OUT. (The one on Highland and Sunset, right?)
I don't think Adam's going on (He's TOO weird and TOO queer and WAY TOO SELF-ABSORBED)buy, hey, I've been wrong before.
4 of 33 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on February 26, 2009 8:26 AM
Flipit! Awes! Prit! Gorge! I'm writing "Bette Davis Forehead" as we speak (and I'm gonna do about 74 remixes as well) so I'll have a theme song as my hair continues to recede into some other dimension (can you tell I just turned 39 yesterday?). I'd get pregnant by WelderBear any damn day of the week (his singing is like an auditory roofie).
I'm with you, it's totally ludicrous to call this show a "singing competition" when we've just heard somebody shitfuck the hell out of something and all four judges praise them to the skies... and then somebody else actually does WELL and they get nothing (Tatianaaaaaaa!!). I love Uncle Phyllis because he offends Simon Cowell (by not taking the show deadly serious) and the fact that he's gotten this far is proof in my book that the thing is fixed. I hope they keep him around for another week or two.
awesome job as always,
xoxox
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. And did you know that Danny Gokey's wife died??!?
5 of 33 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on February 26, 2009 8:47 AM
FLIPIT!!
Loved the recap and I totally agree with you on Hambert. He was TOO theatrical/emo/rock and roll and straight up confusing. Blech. Loved the caption about the pancake makeup he was wearing tons!!
Why my friends loved him I have no idea. Also, cholita with the bangs and braces...weird interview but awesome voice. Good for her!
6 of 33 | Posted by Yanksfan | Posted on February 26, 2009 9:19 AM
Superb recap Flipit!! I busted up at: Gaythoven, LOL
So after the first couple of performances last night, I had the thought: "Is the microphone like not working or something?" Then I realized, it works fine, these people just blow.
Later I had the thought, who the hell is Kris Allen? Then I realized, he is the future Mr. Ex-Carmelicious, Good Lord!
Even later I had the thought, why does Megan Corkery now go by Megan JOY Corkery and pronounce the word "down" so strangely? Then I realized, it really doesn't matter if she took a dump on the stage as long as she's "really, no I mean really, really, really pretty" (in all honesty though - I sort of enjoyed her performance minus the shitty dancing, because her voice is just so unique - and odd, like you just never know where she's going to take a note, or if she's going to loose it entirely -)
I also liked Jesse, for a a similar reason, but her talking to the judges grated on my nerves, so I'll be fine if she gets the boot.
(anyone else annoyed by the constant: "I like you Matt" "No, I like you too." "Kris, I really like you", "I've really liked you since the beginning" "You're a really likable guy" - - Thank you judges for your so very insightful critiques!- umm..is this a singing competition or America's Best How to Ask an Eighth Grader to the School Dance Contest?)
7 of 33 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on February 26, 2009 9:25 AM
FlipIt, you kill me! What's funny is that my wife totally doesn't get any of this. She's the kind of person who has to have Far Side comics explained. Oh well, there's got to be a balance to our type, no?
Adam Lambert could totally take over for Sebastian Bach in Skid Row. He might be a little hammy (Hambert-hahahaha) but I forgive him of everything including his DuranDuran hair because of his unearthly vocal range.
Matt (Matthew Lillard's long lost brother- think about it!) is awesome, a fact that he kept very well hidden by this week's performance (the gum caption? OMG LMAO). He should get back to that whole Ray Charles thing.
Megan JOY Quirky- I'm right with you there. I backed it up too, thinking what did I miss? I tell ya, when the producers pick a favorite, hoo boy!
Great recap as always. mad love!
-Timberwolf
8 of 33 | Posted by Timberwolf | Posted on February 26, 2009 9:44 AM
Flipit, I have not laughed that hard in days! That last page about Hambert really just did me in and when I saw that "What the fuck is wrong with people?" photo? YOU. ARE. A. RECAP. GOD.
Still lol'ing even now.
LOVE
9 of 33 | Posted by renoblondee | Posted on February 26, 2009 10:36 AM
Hysterical. FYI, it's Jimmy Ruffin not Jimmy Buffet...
10 of 33 | Posted by fababugg | Posted on February 26, 2009 11:22 AM
WoW! You got this recap up with impressive speed! I started watching last night, but got bored during Jasmine's song (the first girl, was that her name?). I thought I'd wait for the recap to decide who I needed to watch and make fun of. I didn't think it be ready this quick! LOL! This was such a hilarious recap! And piggy backing on renoblondee above, when I saw that screengrab of the dog with the book I had that same thought even before I read your caption! LOL! What's going on in the world today? That poor doggie! Great work Flipit!
11 of 33 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on February 26, 2009 11:29 AM
I agree with everyone, great recap, Flip, and yay!!! back to the lickety splity next day get it while it's hot and steaming recap!!!!
That blew . . . and it was made worse by finding out that Danny Gokey's wife passed away . . .
I cannot stand having meh singers shoved down my throat coz they're perty, tat arm was pretty terrible, in the bottom half of what was an awful showing. I'm sorry Matt boned it with his nerves, it hurt me to watch, I literally had to keep walking away from the pain, but I hope he get's a WC spot.
Welder picked a great song, would have been greater if he tried to push that melody up a bit--running a chorus into a chorus just makes the song drag, and a few did it, esp. Bettie Davis Forehead--couldn't have been more dull in this format, and once again, she could have climbed off that melody the second repeat of chorus. IN all, the welder did ok, but I was less than excited, even in my loins, oh well, guess there will never be another Matt Rogers for me . . .
Looks like Hambert, Chola and (I dunno, should be Micha, but will it be Tatty!? or maybe Kris, who may still be nursing at Simon's moobs as we type)
I'm thinking 4 whole beings could be selected from here and put on the wild card, but I don't even think there's four here--Tati's getting better and better.
And you, and you, and you . . . perhaps I have no sense of humor, but that was not funny, at all, maybe he should try drag, then I might just get it . . .
Once again, how in F did they pass on Gay Best Just Friend--he was better than all these suckers.
I do think Hambert has a mad range, and I'll be okay hearing more from him, but those caps say it all, "the Billy Idol" I don't think it's possible to achieve that half lift while "feeling" a song . . . it can only be achieved by a poser playing rock star, and I bet he's still nursing on Randy's ample moob . . .
Skara sucks, Paula's jewelry is a joke, Tink was rather mean to Phylis, but Flip it, baby, You rock!!!!
Oh yeah, Tai, or whatever your name is, get a fucking haircut!!!!
12 of 33 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 26, 2009 11:46 AM
Flipit, this recap was speedy and amazing! This is season 8! You blew it out the BOX!
I had to laugh at your comment about Hambert because I said the same thing to my hubby about him, being as ridiculous as the Gentlest one except dead serious. And it is really unfair that the judges obviously favor the pretty people. Stephen Fowler got scolded for daring to touch MJ but the adorable Kris Allen got praise for that bland song. I liked both the redheaded girls but probably Chola will go on.
13 of 33 | Posted by Braps | Posted on February 26, 2009 1:02 PM
Juddfan, I was thinking the exact same thing while (half)watching this awful program: they let this shit move on and they cut GFF? Boggles the mind. He must have pissed someone off big time during Hollywood week.
Or maybe it's their way of torturing Gokey, make him even more pathetic. Did you know his wife is dead?
About Tat-arm-- I actually thought she'd spilled grape juice on herself but forgot to clean it up. There ought to be a law barring anyone under the age of 50 from getting tattoos. I mean, really people.
On the other hand, I think she had the most interesting voice of the night...she's trying something different at least -- but this is definitely not the right place to use a voice like that.
The whiskey voice teen with the lowrider hair was pretty good...except... I just don't buy that kind of performance from a 16-year-old. Jeez. I truly hope my kids aren't so busted at her age. Makes you wonder when her bukkake video career is going to surface.
Which brings us to Lambreath...I had to skip forward after the first second of his performance. All those stupid glances at the camera. What a twink. And that stupid hair. It's definitely a wig. Has to be. Bet he's bald underneath.
Can't believe how poor this group was overall (allowing Uncle Phyliss to perform? Come on)-- of course that was only to showcase the people AI wants to move forward.
14 of 33 | Posted by itchy | Posted on February 26, 2009 2:50 PM
J-mo just mentioned his wife, I am devastated, it must be the only thing on his mind . . .
But itchy, when you said you were thinking the same thing, I was expecting it to be about the haircut LOL!!!
So, you no likey tat girl, she's perty at least, and yeah, I like those whiskey voices, but all I heard was strain coming from her, the 16 year old can wipe the floor with her.
I peeked at dialidol.com, doesn't look like their pimping her worked . . .
So, Flippy, are we gonna do a pool here? I particularly liked the call off of the whole season from 12 to 1 in the first week, so interesting to see it boil down. I still put Gookey in top 3, esp since his wife is dead, Oh my!!!
15 of 33 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 26, 2009 3:05 PM
Oh Flipit...you know I love you almost as much as I love this show!
What's up with Jesse's yellow teeth? It's seriously jarring since everyone else on the damn show has one of those perma-dent ultra white smiles. I must have missed the part in her video package where she talked about her years as a struggling artist in Springfield...making ends meet by blowing Homer and the gang for $5 a pop.
Don't ever change!
16 of 33 | Posted by Dogsnaxx | Posted on February 26, 2009 3:25 PM
So...in case no one has noticed, it just made no sense to me that they cut GFF, when he was clearly the best singer of the bunch (and better than his buddy Gokey AND with no dead wife to drag around).
Especially since they'd be able to milk the whole 'best friends competing against each other' for weeks and weeks, up until the final two.
Then I read this quote by Simon Cowell from USA Today: "... In next Thursday's wild-card round, the judges bring back eight or nine singers — not necessarily just from the semifinals — and pick three to round out the Top 12...."
Hmm.
17 of 33 | Posted by itchy | Posted on February 26, 2009 3:26 PM
itchy, I hope you are right.
Flip - laugh out loud funny and quick as a bunny - like me on my honeymoon.
I agreed with most of what you said, but I enjoyed Uncle Alice and especially the fact that he annoyed Simon. I think he could (not should) even get voted in.
Judges? Biased? Ya Tink?
18 of 33 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on February 26, 2009 3:53 PM
so, they may be reunited after all, that would be sweet, me always likey a good bromance! And goodness knows, Gookey could use a shoulder, having lost his wife and all . . . .
Can I just say, everytime he talks about it, he talks about it giving people hope . . . WHAAAA!!!! I don't feel hope when peeps die in their 20's, even when the survivors get a pimp spot on a reality show, call me crazy!
19 of 33 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 26, 2009 3:57 PM
itchy, I read that too. They have to bring Just Gay Best Friend Jamar back because I can't take it. Jamar was better than most of these ppl combined but his doesn't have a dead wife so of course he didn't even make it. Does anyone know that Danny's wife dead, they have never mentioned that on the show before. LOL
Flipit, I luv u, these recaps make the show much more tolerable. I couldn't agree with u on this Adam Lambert guy. Adam has potential if he would ever tone that shit down but I doubt he would he'll always be the screaming mess of a queen who dresses like he's a GAY VAMPIRE or something!!!
20 of 33 | Posted by bigjr6633 | Posted on February 26, 2009 4:02 PM
Can I just say, everytime he talks about it, he talks about it giving people hope . . . WHAAAA!!!! I don't feel hope when peeps die in their 20's, even when the survivors get a pimp spot on a reality show, call me crazy!
Oh juddfan, I believe he works at a church too. This might sound wrong but if my wife died in her 20s and I'm like a pastor preaching out messages of hope while pissing off millions of ppl on national tv, than I would give up on hope.
21 of 33 | Posted by bigjr6633 | Posted on February 26, 2009 4:08 PM
amen
; )
BTW, I don't hate Gookey, I hope he ditches the schmaltz, coz I like his voice, and if his GJBF gets in, and the two get down on the down low, I might even find him attractive (but we all know how ill I am in that catagory!)
22 of 33 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 26, 2009 4:19 PM
it's season 8! lololllll
you guys are hilarious. thanks for making me laugh. this show is gonna put me in an early grave. but I LOVE IT! and i hope that news about gay best just friends is true!! they def should bring him back. he'll steal this thing from gookey! and sorry judd but gookey is a choir guy for a mega church so i don't think he'll sling up easily. would love to do a pool! but i still owe you ten bucks from last year. hahahah.
LOVE
23 of 33 | Posted by flipit | Posted on February 26, 2009 5:25 PM
I know, but we can do one for free, can't we . . . even if it's just casual in the comments here . . .
And two things, the more unavailable, the more I seem to likey, and what about church makes you think that he's less slingable . . . hee . . . I'm just saying, Tim Haggard sculpted his own member so he could do himself with it .. . . I could go on . . .
24 of 33 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 26, 2009 5:39 PM
Well, there's hope. Because did any of you know that GFF's best friend's wife died not long ago? What a tragedy! What a story!
As far as I'm concerned, everyone involved in the McMega church movement is there either in order to repress their homoseuality or to make a fast buck. Or both.
25 of 33 | Posted by itchy | Posted on February 26, 2009 10:54 PM
Oh darling Flip. You never fail to amuse me.
I really love Adam Lambert, although I absolutely hate his hair. But believe it or not, he HAS toned it down. He definitely queens it up in his YouTube stuff. It's hilarious. But aside from the cheese, he certainly can wail and I am rooting for him.
I do hope they bring Jamar (GJBF) back for the wild card, that would be great. But they only have three spots. I think that he and Ricky both deserve a spot, at least based on vocals. Too bad neither have a sob story. Unlike that contestant, Danny Gokey, his wife died, didja know? It's a real tragedy.
I really like Allison (red head) but her interview was really odd and SHE SANG ALONE. NO. Not allowed. That song has been done to DEATH on Idol - Carrie Underwood did it Season 4 and sang the shit out of it, Gina Glocksen did it Season 6, Carly Smithson AND Ramiele Malubay did it Season 7 (although Carly did it in Hollywood) not to mention the amount of people who seem to sing it in auditions. I mean, I love the song, I adore Heart, but it should be banned from Idol. And a guy (Mark Day) did it on Canadian Idol, which was at least interesting, but it made my eyes glaze over as soon as the title was announced. It's TIRED. Ugh. Rant over.
26 of 33 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on February 26, 2009 11:52 PM
Okay, I'd like to play devil's advocate for a minute here, in light of the recent shocking news of the loss of Danny Gokey's wife. We all know that young deceased spouses, in addition to being the stuff from which springs endless comedy gold, is just the kind of story that AI lives for, and we all may want to consider the possibility that it's not Danny who's beating us to death with the sob story, but the producers and the editors (cue revelatory music). If they can make a scary Tati-laugh-montage, I'm sure they could shift the focus of anyone to be nearly anything they might have said at one point. Are you digging me?
Itchy: dirty pool on the McChurch thing! Ow!
27 of 33 | Posted by Timberwolf | Posted on February 27, 2009 6:49 AM
I think we all need to take a deep breath and really think about making Danny's wife's tragic death into a running joke. Snark is great fun, but somehow this seems more than a bit over the line. Like Timberwolf says - it is probably the producers who keep bringing it up. I think we're better than to keep harping on it - and there are plenty of easier targets. (Sermon ends - applause)
28 of 33 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on February 27, 2009 8:04 AM
Hey, don't pick on Itchy.
Uh, my take on the Danny/dead wife imbroglio is Danny uses his dead wife as a "talking point."
He knows exactly what he's doing and he's using his dead wife to get ahead. I find THAT disgusting.
29 of 33 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on February 27, 2009 8:33 AM
Timber: I'll never ever forgive the McChurch crowd for giving us eight years of Bush. Never.
Fire: I'm not making fun of Hokey's wife's death. I'm making fun of the fact that he/they are using it to establish his singing career. Personally, if my wife had just died, I'd probably have taken a bit of time off to mourn. Not jump in front of the cameras at the first opportunity. But then, isn't that what the McChurch scene is all about--making money off of dead people?
Now, if only they had had a kid, they'd have had the makings of a Disney film. Frankly I'm appalled at their lack of foresight.
:-D
30 of 33 | Posted by itchy | Posted on February 27, 2009 8:41 AM
uh, remember Danny is a willing participant in all of this. He searched out AMERICAN IDOL, auditioned and TOLD THEM ABOUT HIS DEAD WIFE. He didn't have to.
See when you use your wife's death to elicit sympathy and votes...that's kind of smarmy.
31 of 33 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on February 27, 2009 1:03 PM
Yay, hilarious as always, Flipit. Thanks for calling out the overpraise for Megan Happy Happy Joy Joy. All I could think during her act was "boy, I hope she never outgrows her roses and castles and romantic couples period, because that tattoo is going to be a bitch to remove!" And Hambert! I love that name! How come no one else thought of that before?
Sorry, fire@will, but I think Danny has been using his wife's death from day one. Did he really need to change the words in "Kiss from a rose" from "the gray" to "a grave"? Did his brother need to flash the photo? Did he have to appoint himself this season's Archuleta, He-Who-Gives-Us-Hope-And-Uplift-With-Every-Performance? I actually find Flipit's very very funny and sneaky reminders that Mishavonna's nose looks piggy much more over the line. But I'm still laughing 'cause I'm sick that way.
And please, may I be the lone voice of reason here about Jamar, or WNJTFBGF? I mean, I love how we still haven't figured out just what random grouping of initials comes out as Just Not Gay Best Friend or whatever (please, Flipit, simplify it somehow!) but a) that piercing on his cheek IS DISGUSTING; b) with his neon colors and his jauntily-angled hats he dresses like a random kid from a 1980s cartoon; and c) he's more of a shouter than a singer for my taste. But of course he will get through because 1) what a story arc! Danny's best friend comes back! and it's all about Danny AGAIN! and 2) so far this is looking like a very white season, so the producers will want to remedy that pronto. Prepare to have next week's pimping of Lil Rounds leave you longing for the kinder, gentler days of Danny pimping.
Lastly, happy birthday, J-Mo! You're still a baby! I myself turned 40 just a few days before you, and trust me, it's not that bad...
32 of 33 | Posted by sayhuh | Posted on February 28, 2009 6:06 PM
OMG Gokey's wife died????? He should definitely WIN! Great recap Flip! I talk the show over with my 77 yr old aunt and she was surprised to find out
A-hem Hambert's gay. "Really he's gay?" "Are you sure?" "Really?" I'm like yes he's gay trust me. I guess you lose gaydar past 70 along with hearing and sight, haha God's so funny. I like Chola with her Cha-Cha (you know shoulder pads are making a comeback too) but her face looks like silly putty. Skara is just annoying, ugh. I thought this group of 12 was unbelievably untalented. BTW I LOVE Norman Gentle, he and Tatiana should have to cat fight for the last wild card spot.
33 of 33 | Posted by soapboxx | Posted on February 28, 2009 7:24 PM