T.VO: Fetus' vocals are cleaner, but he looks like he wants to go home. Well, his vocals were cleaner until that big fat flat note toward the end.
FLIPIT: He had some placenta stuck in his throat. Anyway, he doesn't wanna go home! There's no ban on his dad there.
The song comes to an end and the audience goes nuts.
FLIPIT: Fetus wanted to hug and Cook was like oh hell no don't mess up my plastic jacket. It tears easily.
Tink tells us that the boys had time to meet with a spiritual advisor.
T.VO: Guru?! Did they go to yoga?
FLIPIT: I'm crossing my fingers for Susan Powter!
T.VO: Pitka? OH NO.
FLIPIT: Is it Teri Hatcher??
T.VO: Mike Meyers is the new Jim Carrey.
FLIPIT: The new old Jim Carrey. Old Jim Carrey was the funny one. New Jim Carrey is an ACTORRR.
Mike Myers goes on to plug his heavily accented, wacky summer movie.
T.VO: Indian people everywhere cringe.
FLIPIT: This is slightly less painful than Robin Williams' schtick on Idol Gives Back, but only slightly.
FLIPIT: Of course Jessica Alba is his love interest. I. Am so. Sure.
T.VO: Let's exploit Mini-Me. Summer hilarity!
FLIPIT: Yay midgets! Fetus has a role model now.
The guys are asked how they liked the movie, and Fetus says "I loved the weird sitar sounds."
FLIPIT: Poor Fetus is always struggling to find something to say. How did you like the movie? Smile, blink, "sitar?" Giggle giggle blink blink.
T.VO: Sitar Hero! Offending brown people since 2008.
T.VO: I think this movie could cause Yogis to revolt. After they put their mats down gently.
FLIPIT: Quietest revolution ever.
Mike Myers gives the guys advice.
T.VO: He told Cook what I always say. "You're on TV for godsake! Shave!"
FLIPIT: : "It's not the 90's. Last time I saw facial hair like that I was at a Melrose Place party listening to Alice in Chains on my discman." LOLOLLLL. Mike Myers won me over forever with that line.
FLIPIT: PS - I'm still not going to that crap movie, though.
T.VO: Ravi Shankar would kill him. You know, the legendary sitar player. Norah Jones is his illegitimate daughter. True story.
FLIPIT: How do you know all this stuff? Do you ever sleep?
Now Mike Myers is actually on stage.
FLIPIT: More Mike Myers? Come on now. All he needs is a swiffer sweeper and a big plastic cup of Coke to sip while he parades around in a giant Ford cap to completely sell out.
Mike Myers tells Randy "you are my dog." Randy replies in the usual Randy way. Dawk yeeeah and baby.
T.VO: Randy's stuffed talking doll will come out soon, with four phrases on loop: "You're molten hawt, baby!", "I wasn't jumpin' up and down but I wasn't mad at you either, yo.", "You could sing the phone book, dawg!"
FLIPIT: : Don't forget "Who's getting lunch? I'm hongry." And how original! A gay joke barbed at Simon!
T.VO: Wow. Mike Myers made Simon laugh. This show is over, right?
FLIPIT: I was expecting that horrified look he gave Fantasia last week. I want Fantasia back!
T.VO: I want her to come on stage and hump Mike Myers and then cluck across the stage.
FLIPIT: : Dammit why isn't he leaving? I blame Mike Myers for this show lasting two hours.
T.VO: Seacrest looks haggardly orange.
FLIPIT: But his eyes sure are stunning tonight.
Streak free eyeliner.
Finally, Mike Myers leaves and Syesha comes onstage to sing with Seal.
T.VO: Sassy Syesha. She looks like a woman scorned. Like in "Waiting to Exhale".
FLIPIT: LOL. Anger looks good on her. She's loose and having a good time and she has boob support
T.VO: How soon before she tosses a match into the audience and struts away?
FLIPIT: If she had performed like this earlier on the show she would still be on it. I think rejection was good for her.
T.VO: Maybe she's just drunk. Like we should be.
Seal comes out.
T.VO: It's not Seal IS IT?!
FLIPIT: That's the butchest I've seen Seal in ages.
T.VO: I always imagine Victoria's Secret Angel Wings on him.
FLIPIT: I always imagine Heidi telling him to pick up his pink thong off the bathroom floor.
T.VO: I'm sure it's bedazzled.
They start duetting, and it is a little off there for awhile.
FLIPIT: Is that harmony?
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Comments (23)
THANK FUCKING GOD.
That's all I need to say.
1 of 23 | Posted by Gildedlulz | Posted on May 22, 2008 4:48 PM
Oh, and Amanda's amazing performances last night made me love her even more. She so obviously hated being there; I about died laughing.
I really loved how she was dressed in a pleather vest and pants while the rest of the contestants were wearing tuxes and dresses during one of the last group performances.
LOL, Amanda!
You're my Idol.
2 of 23 | Posted by gildedlulz | Posted on May 22, 2008 5:02 PM
Awesome recap guys! I had a lot of fun reading it. Just a few things though. You said something about David Hernandez teaching Archuleta about something out on tour, but only the top 10 will be there, and finishing 12th, Hernandez won't be one of them. The top 12 gets to come back for the finale, but only the top 10 go on tour. And when you were talking about Carrie Underwood's songs, "Jesus and Gravity" isn't one she sings. Dolly Parton sang that when she was on the show, so maybe that's where you got confused. Other than that though, nice work! Glad to see Cook win!
3 of 23 | Posted by JustJesse | Posted on May 22, 2008 5:26 PM
Heh. JustJesse -- I was making fun of Carrie Underwood since she looked like she'd borrowed Dolly's clothes, so naturally, I pretended she was going to sing "Jesus and Gravity" too.
4 of 23 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on May 22, 2008 6:02 PM
Hey guys, you made me laugh so hard during this season, but not feeling it w/ the finale so much. I think you all felt like I did LAST season. It sucked. I didn't give a flying fig WHO won. But THIS season I fell in love w/ Cookie like so many others. He. Is. The. Man.
Don't understand the hateraide. Also, maybe you all are just too young, but Bryan Adams and ZZ Top and George Michael fucking ROCKED the house God Damnit. Anywho, love ya anyway, and I'll always be back. Cheers.
5 of 23 | Posted by renoblondee | Posted on May 22, 2008 7:06 PM
Whoops, my bad. :-/
6 of 23 | Posted by JustJesse | Posted on May 22, 2008 7:33 PM
BREAKING NEWS: Carrie Underwood's Pants Stolen from Dressing Room, She Still Performs
LMAO Thanks for the shoutout! Glad to know that my CookLove (patent pending) is so infamous lol. And, for the LAST TIME, I will annoy all of here on here again by professing my love.
I still don't really know why you have such a problem with him, but meh. He WON (part in partial to me) and he already has a number one hit in the Philippines. I thought the Mike Myers thing was hilarious actually, especially when he implied that Fetus hasn't gone through puberty yet lmao. As well as Myers trying to shave Cook - frankly, I was rather surprised (and slightly disappointed) that you didn't comment on that.
Whatever. I think the Cookie scruff is HOT. Although I'm sure I've made that clear by now lol. I had a mini-viewing party with some other Cookie fans and you have NO idea how excited we all got when the Guitar Hero commercial on. We sent him a meat basket, actually. I'm not even joking. Shameless sexual innuendo. But I mean, have you see the size of his boots....? Lol
Anyway, the right David won, hands down. Archuleta is destined for Disney and HSM forever. I was SO happy for him - whether you like him or not, he's struggled really hard to get where he is and he deserves it.
Pretty great recap - although I was rather disappointed that you didn't comment on Cook's adorkable little dance during "Sharp Dressed Man". But probably everybody but me thought it was lame.
Anyway, I will stop my Cook Love, once and for all and say thanks for a great reason. Even though I didn't really like the way you portrayed Cook. But, like I said in another post, at the end of the day TVgasm is all in good fun. Plus, Cook won. So I'm cool.
And shout out to renoblondee - clearly, you have good taste.
7 of 23 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 22, 2008 9:13 PM
Okay, I lied, I'm not quite done.
There is a GH commercial on the Tube that is twice as long as the one they aired. Both Archie and Cookie have one, but obviously Archie's is like child pornography. But in Cook's you see BRIEFS. I almost died.
8 of 23 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 22, 2008 9:18 PM
georgiababe-
Archie's is like child pornography? Don't you think that's a bit much? I mean hell, you see more of Cook then you do of him. We all know you prefered David C so I think the Archuleta bashing can stop.
9 of 23 | Posted by JustJesse | Posted on May 23, 2008 12:01 AM
Archuleta bashing? DUDE. It was a JOKE.
Don't get your shortchuletas in a knot.
10 of 23 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 23, 2008 12:58 AM
I’m so sad for Fetus! My heart broke for him when he lost. I thought he was a shoo-in all season long, and when it came down to him and Cook I thought he would prevail similar to sugary teenybopper Jordin over wiggy-wiggy Blake. But judging by the record number of votes cast, I definitely underestimated Cook’s fanbase. I mean, Fetus must have received like 43 million votes, which probably would have been enough to win most seasons. But Cook crushed that amount by a healthy margin.
Even though I am not a Cook fan, it would be nice to see him become a success so that the show gets some of its credibility back. And I would love to see Fetus break free from his nutjob father and go on to do great things. The poor thing always seemed so nervous and tense. Hopefully he can improve his stage presence and personality like Carrie Underwood has done since she was on the show. Pants or no pants, she looked and sounded awesome on the finale! Lastly, kudos to both the Davids for being gracious in victory/defeat, and to T.Vo and Flipit for a great season of recaps! xoxo
11 of 23 | Posted by BRaps | Posted on May 23, 2008 6:47 AM
Shortchuletas? Wow, how clever you are...
12 of 23 | Posted by JustJesse | Posted on May 23, 2008 10:24 AM
Hey, don't blame me, the Archies made that little gem up.
13 of 23 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 23, 2008 11:32 AM
I wish both them - and all of you - the best. I'd love to have either of thier voices, but I don't envy them the kind of lives they are liable to lead.
Thanks again for some of the best. recaps. ever.
14 of 23 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on May 23, 2008 1:04 PM
somehow, I missed the risky business send-up-and thank the lord in heaven above . . . I don't really want to see either in skivvies!!!! ick . . . the screen grabs are bad enough . . .
So thanks guys oh so much for hanging in there despite the obvious burnout, that gets worse at the end of each of these, no?
How much do I HATE Jordin Sparks . . . just puke city!!! She was on the news after and they asked her to give advice to the winners (besides fake cry) she said, "Get ready to have no sleep, I haven't had 8 hours sleep in a year"
Bitter little biotch! She's frigin' 18, I so didn't get 8 hours then, and still don't in my soon to be 45 years!!!!
I knew from the Simon apology what was going to happen, and I figured the unhypnotised masses would rise and revolt and vote for the one who wasn't shoved down our throats and Randified--I'm not sure I can watch this show anymore, toxic vomit festers in my guts and threatens to spew every time that stuffed doll spits a cliche--can't he just step down, please . . . I don't know what brought on all the hate for me, but I'm glad Cook prevailed and since I don't listen to Disney channel, I'm unconcerned about Fetus' fate . . . I'm sure he'll find his niche, and Cook, well, I'm not likely to get that CD either, but I bet it'll do well!
Kisses Flip and T.vo!!!!
15 of 23 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 23, 2008 1:27 PM
Great liveblog guys.
At this point I've posted so much about Idol I'm just out of things to say, except for one observation: Oh, Amanda, how can you be 22 years old and still seem like a 50 year-old drunk aunt, or better yet Sally O'Malley from SNL . . . "I'm FIFTY yeahs old, and I can KICK and KICK!"
Congrats to Cook.
16 of 23 | Posted by JasonR | Posted on May 23, 2008 1:44 PM
The recap was so much fun, I figured, what the hell, I'll have a look at the show itself...(which I haven't bothered to do otherwise)...
First, there was, what, 10 minutes of filler before the show actually started?
Second, georgiababe, I'm sorry, but...are you not seeing the same stupid hair? The lopsided head? The stupid pubic-hair beard? The fat butt? The girl hips?
Especially this episode...I'm trying to figure out who the hell he is trying to fool with the mess he made of his hair...
In fact, I get it now, he really DOES deserve to win this show.
The fetus? giggle giggle grin gosh....
17 of 23 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 25, 2008 2:56 PM
Hello again, itchy.
I like his hair and I like his beard. And I haven't noticed anything else - I am sorry. And I am willing to bet that most women ages 16+ are going to agree with me.
18 of 23 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 25, 2008 6:52 PM
Ah, georgia, apparently much of America (that is, the segment of the population that actually votes in this...er...contest) agree with you!
For better or worse...
Problem for Cook is, he's posing as a rocker. But no one seriously interested in rock will ever take him seriously. Ever.
So even if he succeeds in making a career at this (Vegas will love him, after all), it will never be the career he wanted. It'll be the opposite of that.
And he knows it. You could see it in his eyes.
19 of 23 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 26, 2008 9:40 AM
I have to say i never laughed to hard to when they both went to visit the "Guru" OMG-the looks on both thier faces were priceless! David a. looked clueless... very dissapointed u guys didn't comment on the funniest part of the show...but great recaps thoughout-thanks!
20 of 23 | Posted by yuds101 | Posted on May 26, 2008 4:45 PM
Did anyone catch what George Michael said to Ryan Seacrest regarding his compound after he was done singing? It sounded like flirting!
21 of 23 | Posted by Boris8 | Posted on May 27, 2008 6:13 PM
OMG Flipit!!! I forgot to mention
"If she wants a choker she could use my palms"
That is soooo F in' funny!!!!!! LMAOAJORIBW (Laughing my ass off and jumping off the roof in bubble wrap)
HEART
22 of 23 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 28, 2008 11:01 AM
FLIPIT: It's like Heaven, only gayer and whiter.
- officially my favorite thing you ever said!
I just wanted to thank you both for enduring this ridiculously long episode for our reading pleasure - and for a seasons worth of awesome recaps!
Embarrassing admission #1: I actually stood up and cheered when Cook won - don't judge!
Embarrassing admission #2: I still think Hanna ManTana should've made the final 2 - again - DONT JUDGE!
Soooo glad this board is anonymous!
23 of 23 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on May 29, 2008 10:01 AM