FLIPIT: I still have Alicia Keys' I Am Superwoman as mine.
Back in Utah...
FLIPIT: All the white! it's blinding!
T.VO: Not a single yellow person in sight. *cries*
FLIPIT: Those are some inbredd ass faces.
Matt introduces Archuleta's grandpa.
T.VO: Whoa, Wilfredo! That's diverse.
T.VO: Uh, might not be the best idea to reply to Matt Rogers in Spanish...if you know what I mean.
FLIPIT: Fetus is the only mixed kid in Utah if you believe this show.
T.VO: Fetus maxed out their minority quota. That's sad.
Spanx takes the stage.
T.VO: Jordin's here? Fuck.
FLIPIT: Spanx!!!! She's like I popped a Halls and here I am!
T.VO: Is there a tiara to pass on? "Pass the rum balls."
T.VO: She looks a bit...you know...uh, wide?
FLIPIT: See she still hasn't found someone to dress her
FLIPIT: That dress was made for someone thirty pounds heavier.
T.VO: When Halloween costumes go bad.
FLIPIT: Truly.
T.VO: You can't really dress up like a slutty golden coin. It just doesn't work. The formula is slutty + animal, not slutty + currency.
FLIPIT: I wouldn't care if she wasn't so OFF KEY. OUCH
T.VO: "I'm a Sexy Sacajawea."
FLIPIT: Man she sucks ass. See? This wasn't the worst year ever. Last year was.
T.VO: Agreed. She looks like a gold-plated Alice in Wonderland but can't sing.
FLIPIT: She looks like someone unpeeled some rolos and pulled out a hot glue gun
T.VO: She's the special limited edition of a hershey's kiss.
T.VO: I think Blake is making the drum sounds for this song.
FLIPIT: No you would be able to tell. He's all boom chicka boom boom tzz tzz wiggy wiggy wiggy.
T.VO: I thought they'd do something nice for him. Like offer him the tambourine or hi-hat.
FLIPIT: They already let him sing once this year and my dog hasn't forgiven me yet.
T.VO: What's with the choker on Jordin?
FLIPIT: If she wants a choker she could use my palms.
T.VO: Does she have a parentally-controlled shock collar too?
FLIPIT: I can't pay attention to this any more. I will take this time to say instead that as cracked out as Fantasia was last week, she would wipe the floor with any of the kids who have graced the stage tonight, except maybe Amanda because Amanda would hit first.
T.VO: She would probably eat Jordin, if not scare her off the stage first.
FLIPIT: Blake is in the audience mouthing all the words to this crap song. That's cute and frightening.
Commerical for Adam Sandler movie.
T.VO: I've got a great movie idea: Adam Sandler as a dog who plays baseball and cuts hair then falls in love with Drew Barrymore.
FLIPIT: Old comics are making some crap ass movies in HWood this Summer. Is there no one new in Hollywood?
T.VO: Sigh.
FLIPIT: The game plan: get an accent and it will be different than Austin Powers/Big Daddy.
Abstinence ad.
T.VO: "I love my life. i'm not gonna mess it up with a pregnancy". Way to push the abstinence only agenda, Fox. And way to make the focus of the commercial the BOY who knocked a poor girl up. Roe v. Wade is in danger.
FLIPIT: Abstinence is for suckers. That's why God invented abortion, duh.
FLIPIT: Fox is like don't have sex, just watch everyone have sex on reality shows we produce.
T.VO: Oh! "Daydream Believer," that was Brooke's song.
FLIPIT: She was outsung by a Von's commercial. Congrats!
Tink intros a clip of Glady's Knight auditioning her Pips back in the day.
T.VO: Gladys Knight? I keep thinking it's just going to be the celeb impersonators.
FLIPIT: She will look just like Donna Summer. I promise.
T.VO: OMG SHE DOES!! Is that Jack Black in the background? IT IS!!
FLIPIT: And..too bad Ben Stiller's there to kill that joke. Why is he always on this show?
FLIPIT: Is Robert Downey Jr. back on drugs? What is he doing here?
FLIPIT: Robert! You're a star again! Get off this sketch! It's a graveyard!
T.VO: GET ON THE MIDNIGHT TRAIN TO GEORGIA! FOR REALS!
FLIPIT: You got to go! You got to go! You got to go!
FLIPIT: Jack Black looks like he smells like feet.
Jack and Robert leave Ben alone on stage.
FLIPIT: And the laughs stop completely. Robert D Jr. will come back with blow on his nose.
And they're back.
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Comments (23)
THANK FUCKING GOD.
That's all I need to say.
1 of 23 | Posted by Gildedlulz | Posted on May 22, 2008 4:48 PM
Oh, and Amanda's amazing performances last night made me love her even more. She so obviously hated being there; I about died laughing.
I really loved how she was dressed in a pleather vest and pants while the rest of the contestants were wearing tuxes and dresses during one of the last group performances.
LOL, Amanda!
You're my Idol.
2 of 23 | Posted by gildedlulz | Posted on May 22, 2008 5:02 PM
Awesome recap guys! I had a lot of fun reading it. Just a few things though. You said something about David Hernandez teaching Archuleta about something out on tour, but only the top 10 will be there, and finishing 12th, Hernandez won't be one of them. The top 12 gets to come back for the finale, but only the top 10 go on tour. And when you were talking about Carrie Underwood's songs, "Jesus and Gravity" isn't one she sings. Dolly Parton sang that when she was on the show, so maybe that's where you got confused. Other than that though, nice work! Glad to see Cook win!
3 of 23 | Posted by JustJesse | Posted on May 22, 2008 5:26 PM
Heh. JustJesse -- I was making fun of Carrie Underwood since she looked like she'd borrowed Dolly's clothes, so naturally, I pretended she was going to sing "Jesus and Gravity" too.
4 of 23 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on May 22, 2008 6:02 PM
Hey guys, you made me laugh so hard during this season, but not feeling it w/ the finale so much. I think you all felt like I did LAST season. It sucked. I didn't give a flying fig WHO won. But THIS season I fell in love w/ Cookie like so many others. He. Is. The. Man.
Don't understand the hateraide. Also, maybe you all are just too young, but Bryan Adams and ZZ Top and George Michael fucking ROCKED the house God Damnit. Anywho, love ya anyway, and I'll always be back. Cheers.
5 of 23 | Posted by renoblondee | Posted on May 22, 2008 7:06 PM
Whoops, my bad. :-/
6 of 23 | Posted by JustJesse | Posted on May 22, 2008 7:33 PM
BREAKING NEWS: Carrie Underwood's Pants Stolen from Dressing Room, She Still Performs
LMAO Thanks for the shoutout! Glad to know that my CookLove (patent pending) is so infamous lol. And, for the LAST TIME, I will annoy all of here on here again by professing my love.
I still don't really know why you have such a problem with him, but meh. He WON (part in partial to me) and he already has a number one hit in the Philippines. I thought the Mike Myers thing was hilarious actually, especially when he implied that Fetus hasn't gone through puberty yet lmao. As well as Myers trying to shave Cook - frankly, I was rather surprised (and slightly disappointed) that you didn't comment on that.
Whatever. I think the Cookie scruff is HOT. Although I'm sure I've made that clear by now lol. I had a mini-viewing party with some other Cookie fans and you have NO idea how excited we all got when the Guitar Hero commercial on. We sent him a meat basket, actually. I'm not even joking. Shameless sexual innuendo. But I mean, have you see the size of his boots....? Lol
Anyway, the right David won, hands down. Archuleta is destined for Disney and HSM forever. I was SO happy for him - whether you like him or not, he's struggled really hard to get where he is and he deserves it.
Pretty great recap - although I was rather disappointed that you didn't comment on Cook's adorkable little dance during "Sharp Dressed Man". But probably everybody but me thought it was lame.
Anyway, I will stop my Cook Love, once and for all and say thanks for a great reason. Even though I didn't really like the way you portrayed Cook. But, like I said in another post, at the end of the day TVgasm is all in good fun. Plus, Cook won. So I'm cool.
And shout out to renoblondee - clearly, you have good taste.
7 of 23 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 22, 2008 9:13 PM
Okay, I lied, I'm not quite done.
There is a GH commercial on the Tube that is twice as long as the one they aired. Both Archie and Cookie have one, but obviously Archie's is like child pornography. But in Cook's you see BRIEFS. I almost died.
8 of 23 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 22, 2008 9:18 PM
georgiababe-
Archie's is like child pornography? Don't you think that's a bit much? I mean hell, you see more of Cook then you do of him. We all know you prefered David C so I think the Archuleta bashing can stop.
9 of 23 | Posted by JustJesse | Posted on May 23, 2008 12:01 AM
Archuleta bashing? DUDE. It was a JOKE.
Don't get your shortchuletas in a knot.
10 of 23 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 23, 2008 12:58 AM
I’m so sad for Fetus! My heart broke for him when he lost. I thought he was a shoo-in all season long, and when it came down to him and Cook I thought he would prevail similar to sugary teenybopper Jordin over wiggy-wiggy Blake. But judging by the record number of votes cast, I definitely underestimated Cook’s fanbase. I mean, Fetus must have received like 43 million votes, which probably would have been enough to win most seasons. But Cook crushed that amount by a healthy margin.
Even though I am not a Cook fan, it would be nice to see him become a success so that the show gets some of its credibility back. And I would love to see Fetus break free from his nutjob father and go on to do great things. The poor thing always seemed so nervous and tense. Hopefully he can improve his stage presence and personality like Carrie Underwood has done since she was on the show. Pants or no pants, she looked and sounded awesome on the finale! Lastly, kudos to both the Davids for being gracious in victory/defeat, and to T.Vo and Flipit for a great season of recaps! xoxo
11 of 23 | Posted by BRaps | Posted on May 23, 2008 6:47 AM
Shortchuletas? Wow, how clever you are...
12 of 23 | Posted by JustJesse | Posted on May 23, 2008 10:24 AM
Hey, don't blame me, the Archies made that little gem up.
13 of 23 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 23, 2008 11:32 AM
I wish both them - and all of you - the best. I'd love to have either of thier voices, but I don't envy them the kind of lives they are liable to lead.
Thanks again for some of the best. recaps. ever.
14 of 23 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on May 23, 2008 1:04 PM
somehow, I missed the risky business send-up-and thank the lord in heaven above . . . I don't really want to see either in skivvies!!!! ick . . . the screen grabs are bad enough . . .
So thanks guys oh so much for hanging in there despite the obvious burnout, that gets worse at the end of each of these, no?
How much do I HATE Jordin Sparks . . . just puke city!!! She was on the news after and they asked her to give advice to the winners (besides fake cry) she said, "Get ready to have no sleep, I haven't had 8 hours sleep in a year"
Bitter little biotch! She's frigin' 18, I so didn't get 8 hours then, and still don't in my soon to be 45 years!!!!
I knew from the Simon apology what was going to happen, and I figured the unhypnotised masses would rise and revolt and vote for the one who wasn't shoved down our throats and Randified--I'm not sure I can watch this show anymore, toxic vomit festers in my guts and threatens to spew every time that stuffed doll spits a cliche--can't he just step down, please . . . I don't know what brought on all the hate for me, but I'm glad Cook prevailed and since I don't listen to Disney channel, I'm unconcerned about Fetus' fate . . . I'm sure he'll find his niche, and Cook, well, I'm not likely to get that CD either, but I bet it'll do well!
Kisses Flip and T.vo!!!!
15 of 23 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 23, 2008 1:27 PM
Great liveblog guys.
At this point I've posted so much about Idol I'm just out of things to say, except for one observation: Oh, Amanda, how can you be 22 years old and still seem like a 50 year-old drunk aunt, or better yet Sally O'Malley from SNL . . . "I'm FIFTY yeahs old, and I can KICK and KICK!"
Congrats to Cook.
16 of 23 | Posted by JasonR | Posted on May 23, 2008 1:44 PM
The recap was so much fun, I figured, what the hell, I'll have a look at the show itself...(which I haven't bothered to do otherwise)...
First, there was, what, 10 minutes of filler before the show actually started?
Second, georgiababe, I'm sorry, but...are you not seeing the same stupid hair? The lopsided head? The stupid pubic-hair beard? The fat butt? The girl hips?
Especially this episode...I'm trying to figure out who the hell he is trying to fool with the mess he made of his hair...
In fact, I get it now, he really DOES deserve to win this show.
The fetus? giggle giggle grin gosh....
17 of 23 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 25, 2008 2:56 PM
Hello again, itchy.
I like his hair and I like his beard. And I haven't noticed anything else - I am sorry. And I am willing to bet that most women ages 16+ are going to agree with me.
18 of 23 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 25, 2008 6:52 PM
Ah, georgia, apparently much of America (that is, the segment of the population that actually votes in this...er...contest) agree with you!
For better or worse...
Problem for Cook is, he's posing as a rocker. But no one seriously interested in rock will ever take him seriously. Ever.
So even if he succeeds in making a career at this (Vegas will love him, after all), it will never be the career he wanted. It'll be the opposite of that.
And he knows it. You could see it in his eyes.
19 of 23 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 26, 2008 9:40 AM
I have to say i never laughed to hard to when they both went to visit the "Guru" OMG-the looks on both thier faces were priceless! David a. looked clueless... very dissapointed u guys didn't comment on the funniest part of the show...but great recaps thoughout-thanks!
20 of 23 | Posted by yuds101 | Posted on May 26, 2008 4:45 PM
Did anyone catch what George Michael said to Ryan Seacrest regarding his compound after he was done singing? It sounded like flirting!
21 of 23 | Posted by Boris8 | Posted on May 27, 2008 6:13 PM
OMG Flipit!!! I forgot to mention
"If she wants a choker she could use my palms"
That is soooo F in' funny!!!!!! LMAOAJORIBW (Laughing my ass off and jumping off the roof in bubble wrap)
HEART
22 of 23 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 28, 2008 11:01 AM
FLIPIT: It's like Heaven, only gayer and whiter.
- officially my favorite thing you ever said!
I just wanted to thank you both for enduring this ridiculously long episode for our reading pleasure - and for a seasons worth of awesome recaps!
Embarrassing admission #1: I actually stood up and cheered when Cook won - don't judge!
Embarrassing admission #2: I still think Hanna ManTana should've made the final 2 - again - DONT JUDGE!
Soooo glad this board is anonymous!
23 of 23 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on May 29, 2008 10:01 AM