If Dallas Raines (one of the country's most appropriately-named weathermen) were here, he'd predict, "Tone deaf with high chances of sob story." Montage of rolling Texas lands, tall buildings, and people in cowboy hats. The theme from "Dallas" is playing, making this very meta. From Buddy Holly to Chamillionaire, Texas has a long list of famous citizens.

We see lush green acres, big houses, cows, and Republicans. What, no shoutout to Needless Markup (Neiman Marcus), which has its headquarters and flagship store in downtown Dallas? Where else can you pick up some Christian Louboutin pumps as well as a 2 person Gem Triton submarine for 1.44 million? Or if that doesn't float your boat, you can snag his and hers portraits done in chocolate syrup by artist Vik Muniz, a veritable Costco bargain at $110,000. Isn't rabid consumerism what this show/state/country is all about? It's also about one of my favorite things: schadenfreude. Two whole hours of it.

There's no entertainment more beautiful than enjoying someone else's suffering! We're gonna see a lot of shirts made out of American and Lone Star flags. We're gonna see people dancing like it's Easter Sunday and the Lord hath Risen for baby back ribs and cold Shiner Bock. We're gonna see...beached whales with bad dye jobs.

Oh Perez, what big teeth you have!

Texas predictably draws a ginormous crowd, packed in a stadium like sardines. Sweaty, jiggly mounds of sardines that fan themselves dramatically and talk about slip and slides inside their dresses. The heat even induced labor, as a waiting contestant left for the hospital to give birth to Idol's first baby.

Antoria Gillon, a hairstylist, thought it was appropriate to name her child Idol. Yeah, Jamil LaBarron Idol McCowan was a totally popular name this year. Well, that's way more airtime than she would've gotten if she'd made it through to pre-screening, unless her water broke right in front of the judges. The camera pans across a crowd of over 13,000. That's at least 12,999 Republicans. The mob is melting from Texas heat, and Rob Zombie is using this opportunity to cast extras in his sequel to The Devil's Rejects. FEMA also steals some footage of the writhing mass of humanity for a future press conference.

Blue Man Group reject or California Raisin?

After Paula trips up the stairs in perky heels, the judges are finally ready for their first story of redemption. A proud graduate of D.A.R.E., Jessica Brown, is a 24-year-old stay at home mom of two. She should've introduced herself as a shit ass ho motherfucker, it sounds cooler. Her life wasn't always perfect, but what's life without a few cracks in it? Our gal reveals she went a little overboard in college, where she minored in Meth.

And was the "Before" model for Proactiv Solution.

"I was a completely different Jessica," she reminisces, echoing Nikki from Heroes. "I got in trouble, I got arrested." The editing crew decides it's funny to play "Jesus Take The Wheel" as Jessica drives through her hometown. It's not. My roomie from Oklahoma chimes in: "That's interesting, they did a piece on meth. That's a very local issue." My issue with Methless Jessica is that she insists on wearing cheap, oversized plastic bead necklaces.

Did we mention that she is also narcoleptic?

Jessica launches into The Pretenders' "I'll Stand By You" for the judges. Paula keeps time by tapping her head and focusing her eyes on the table. Fortunately for all of us, she's decent and sings with emotion, though generic and unmemorable. She gets as far as the chorus. Simon comments that she made the song interesting, and decides her audition is good. Randy agrees, but points out she could use a tuner. Outside the audition door, we can see she's passed on her Forever 21 jewelry addiction to her family.

You'll soon learn why it's called a choker.

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