Hello again music fans! It's me, J-Mo, already back from the land of MTV and I've been lucky enough to land this one-off recap for a show that people actually want to watch. We've reached that critical point in tonight's competition where yet another cut is going to be made, people are going to scream, shout, laugh, sob, cry, and shit their pants...
...and this wackjob is going to do all six at the same time...
...yes, on tonight's fascinating episode of American Idol, we have to wait an entire hour to see four rooms of people hear the words "yes" or "no". I guess I shouldn't be surprised considering last season they stretched the extended Ford / Coke / AT&T commercial results show into an hour-long bore-snore with 30 seconds of "drama" in it. But that's neither here nor there, because tonight it's allllll about The Tatiana, and she's got enough crazay weirdness in her to fill up several hours of prime-time television. Everybody got their earplugs, comfort food and akamahol? Good! Then we're ready to take the jump!...
I can't say enough how much I love Tatiana Del Toro, she is fast becoming a favorite of mine with her over-the-top brand of specialness (and no, I don't mean "special" in the Sesame Street kind of way... I mean "special" as in short-bus, puffy rooms, blunt scissors, edible paints'n'paste, heavily medicated and drooling kind of way). But I'm getting ahead of myself...
In case you just dug yourself out of your home-made backyard bomb shelter (that you dove into back in 1962 during the Cuban Missile Crisis), Ryan Sea(men)crest is here to remind you that we started out with eleventy-seventeen million billion jillion skillion hillion quillion people auditioning... and now we're down to 72! "If they get cut... it was all for nothing!" he intones. That is correct, because they will be marched off and shot to death. Or so he would have us believe. Drama queen.
Hey, it looks like there is another big humpy daddy-bear still in the competition besides the original Big Daddy Oil Rig Roughneck Michael Sarver, only this one's a welder named Matt Breitzke and he's just as cute...
...my crotch is votin' for ya, big boy!...
Whoopsie! The BF just walked in and I had to scramble for a throw pillow to jam in my lap. Anyhow, there was so much drama in the last episode with the group auditions... we get to see Nathaniel(la) Marshall (and his butch Alice band) screeching and crying and gaying out all over the place... again... but today the contestants will all get to leave that group shit behind and perform solo, with a band, backup singers... and if they choose... an instrument! I should so be on this show, I can play the triangle like a motherfucker.
Ryan is skulking backstage and talking about how today it's "do or die" and I notice that he's wearing a boring navy-blue cardigan and looks kinda like Fred Rogers (if Mr. Rogers had been botoxed to within an inch of death and liked dick as much as I do)...
...I have alll-ways wanted to have-a-neighbor... just.. like.. you...
In case you didn't realize they're in Hollywood, California, Ryan tells us they're in Hollywood, California, and it's Day Four of "Hell Week" and the setting is what RyRy calls "the historic Kodak Theatre". Historic? It was built in 2001 for Jeebus' sake! We see the Top 72 being herded into a holding area to await news of their fate, while our esteemed judging panel is in the theatre itself making super-important decisions...
..."Okay, so we're getting a Pu-Pu Platter for four, Wor Wonton soup, Moo Goo Gai Pan, Sweet'N'Sour Pork, Kung Pao Beef and Sesame Chicken..."...
Okay, no, actually the judges are deciding who goes into which of the four rooms, which seems kind of unnecessary when you could just have two... one for "Possible Future Singers" and the other for "Possible Future Unemployment Statistics"... but then we'd miss out on all the intense drama, right? Wait, how are they going to decide this shit when we haven't seen anybody perform?
Ahhh, but suddenly there's a big videotape rewind and we're going back in time to the beginning of the day. What are they trying to do, turn this into an episode of Lost? Thank God they showed footage of a rising sun and the legend "7:00 am" on the screen or I'd be hopelessly confused. We see shots of contestants yawning, stretching, playing guitars and generally looking like death on a cupcake...
...except for Tatiana Del Toro, who looks as fresh as a crazy-daisy because insanity never sleeps...
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Comments (16)
See, the whole problem I have with this show is I never listen to this kind of treacle...er, music...(more of a Suicide/Velvets fan), so I have absolutely no frame of reference. I mean, 99 % of these people sound exactly the same to me. And the backup singers ALWAYS have better voices.
So thanks, J-Mo, for putting it all in perspective. I really hope The Tatiana stays on for a while, even if she keeps making me spit up all over my computer screen.
Wouldn't it be great to organize a sabotage movement, you know, raise funds to fix the voting so that the final two is that Norman Fell weirdo and Tatiana? (This happened for a similar show here in France. The "winner" was truly pathetic.)
1 of 16 | Posted by itchy | Posted on February 13, 2009 3:23 AM
Is it just me or are 90% of the singers just awful. I agree with itchy that the songs they sings don't help anything, but a lot of them sound like they swallowed a kitten.
I just can't wait for next week when Tink tells us that this is "the most talented group evah!" Which, of course, will be followed by 36 kids screeching through Shania Twain and Kelly Clarkson songs while I weep gently because I can't find the remote.
2 of 16 | Posted by DrJerkass | Posted on February 13, 2009 4:34 AM
You know I thought Tatiana was just crazy psycho, until the hubby pointed out she peeks at the camera before each of her 'episodes' and then stares at it the entire time. So she's not JUST crazy, she's a media hog to which makes her slightly more entertaining.
3 of 16 | Posted by lifesabeach | Posted on February 13, 2009 6:10 AM
At first Tatiana made me want to throw things at my tv but with the magic of "As Seen Through J-Mo's Eyes" I have now decided she is quite hilarious. Norman's ok but that shit is getting old. At least change up the head band! No one is sticking out to me right now, in a good way. Except for Oil Rig Guy. And even though you keep ragging on Chris Daughtry, I still love you. Big Smooches!
4 of 16 | Posted by Cherie | Posted on February 13, 2009 6:40 AM
Uh, the oil rigger and the welder are MY favorites, so back off bitch. (You don't get all the hot guys.) You can have the cowboy, the indian and the cop. Oh wait, I'm confused --- I'm thinking of the Village People.
Why no furniture in the waiting rooms? I think they wanted to make the contestants as uncomfortable as possible.
5 of 16 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on February 13, 2009 8:58 AM
I was cracking up with Simon left the three stooges. See ya suckas!
Oh, J-Mo!!! I play the recorder! We should TOTALLY start a band.
6 of 16 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on February 13, 2009 9:59 AM
WHEN Simon left. WHEN.
7 of 16 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on February 13, 2009 10:01 AM
Good Lord J-Mo, that was some funny recap! Just had to say that. Um.....that is all.
8 of 16 | Posted by RENOBLONDEE | Posted on February 13, 2009 2:14 PM
Shit-on-a-Ritz am I glad to get this round over with. Now if they will just get rid of the other 50 craptestants and get on with the (somewhat) talented ones.
At this point I don't really have any favorite singers, but Big Daddy Oil Rigger is a cutie! He can be the Matt Rogers of Season 8!
I think that they should make every one of them wear a ReeRee Hat when they perform - at least we'd be assured of SOME entertainment value. LOL.
Great recap J-Mo, you keep me in stitches and always put a fresh layer of lipstick on this pig for us. Don't forget to renew your membership in the 4-H, K?
Lots O' Love
9 of 16 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on February 13, 2009 2:58 PM
Can't we just share the oil rigger and welder--I for one, am happy to have some real eye candy for the season ( at least the beginning) How I rue the loss of Matt Rogers, even today--perhaps not as badly as Gaycrest, but he was soooo fine!!!
I actually like the raspy singers, and I like robert downey, Anoop, Jorge, the piano guy and especially Jackie-the girl who knocked the windows out!!! But then I'm a pop tart, so go figure . . .
Great for you to be the one recapping as we discover a new and hotter daddy in the ranks. You had me giggling away, baby!!!
10 of 16 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 13, 2009 4:57 PM
itchy... HAHAHA, I keep an extra box of Windex-wipes near my computer now because of Tatiana! And actually, there IS a movement afoot here in the states called VoteForTheWorst *dot* com that has been around since about 2004 and is dedicated to exposing the silliness and overall non-singing-talentedness of this show by doing just that... and Tatiana is their number-one front-runner right now! hugs!
DrJerkass... I agree with you completely, this season's bunch seems just as forgettable as all the people that were cut before them, there doesn't seem to be a stand-out that we've heard and just KNOW they're going to go far. love to you!
lifesabeach... I'm so happy to see Tatiana-love, let's hope she's able to stick around as long as possible or I'm afraid the show is going to be like visual-Benadryl the rest of the season. kissies!
Cherie... I apologize for the Daughtrey-bashing... I just have trouble taking anyone seriously who would get their own name tattooed on their back (there's an old joke amongst the gays about why you would do something like that... it's so the guys at the orgy who are banging you won't forget who you are, LOL!)... smoochies!
Mr. Dangerous... Ahhh, all right, I guess we can share the Big Daddy Bears, let's pass them around like a cheap pack of smokes, K? And making people's sciatica flare up by making them sit on the floor seems unnecessarily cruel, even for Idol... huggles!
PottyMouth... Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I am SO down for the band idea! Now all we need is a yodeler and someone who can play a mean kazoo! I smell a record deal (hey, if it can happen for William Hung and Sanjaya The Papaya, then NOTHING'S impossible)! love to you!
RENOBLONDEE... All's I can say in return is... THANKS! kiss!
arizonatom... ReeRee Hats for everyone! And the 4-H club? I think that's what I'm going to suggest that our dance group choose as our alternate name (as in "4-Homos Club"). Thanks for the love, homeboy! hugs'n'kisses!
juddfan... I was WAITING for you to comment on the Big Boys of Season 8, and yes, Matt Rogers was another one who made me get all twisty. Glad I could help with some giggles. I guess we'll have to all trade off on date-nights with Welder Matt and Roughneck Michael between you, me, arizonatom and Mr Dangerous! love N kisses!
Thanks guys for all your comments, as always I am happy to be in such good company. And now I'm off to take a break, I'll see you again as soon as something new and exciting (and recapworthy) comes my way!
love, J-Mo :)
11 of 16 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on February 14, 2009 11:00 AM
Hey...I happen to know that Kaylan Loyd had just had an emergency appendectomy the week before Hollywood and then her Grandfather died...I would say that would be why she looks a bit uncomfortable. You would be too if you had a belly full of stitches after major surgery and such sadness in your heart. Kudos to Kaylan for hanging in there for the entire Hollywood week given her extreme circumstances...
12 of 16 | Posted by eargasm | Posted on February 14, 2009 10:34 PM
Hey eargasm... gosh, I didn't know that about Kaylan. I guess I wouldn't have written jokes like that if I had known about her tragedies ahead of time. I'm sorry, I apologize, now I feel terrible... :(
13 of 16 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on February 15, 2009 1:30 AM
Thanks for that J-Mo. The judges also did not know about it at the time...but I wish they could have at least let America know about it the night they aired her segment so that the bloggers who made comments on the way she looked during her performance wouldn't run crazy with it. I thought she did an awesome job vocally. A lot of the contestants were having pitch problems. I personally think she did better than more than 1/2 the other girls who made it through to the top 36 and my friends all agree!
14 of 16 | Posted by eargasm | Posted on February 15, 2009 10:24 AM
Great recap J-Mo, loved every minute of it. Ryan Sea(men)crest? Too much funny to choose from.
15 of 16 | Posted by twunty mcslore | Posted on February 15, 2009 11:15 AM
LOL, thanks girl, I 'preshate'cha!
love, J-Mo :)
16 of 16 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on February 16, 2009 9:35 AM