American Idol + Recurring Extended Boxing Metaphor + Jock Jams ("Are You Ready For This") playing in my head nonstop = Seabreath not having a chance to say "This is...American Idoooooooooooollllll!" But I'm not entirely convinced that Michael Buffer on the show is a good thing.
Just a regular ole' meeting of NAMBLA.
We've got David "Sugarfoot" Cook in the red corner at an impressive 180 lbs v.s. Fetus "Babycakes" Archuleta in the blue corner at a whopping 100 lbs when wet. Let's get ready to rumble, bitches!
First, I'd like to thank my good pal, HugoStop, who's been like a lil' brother to me in the decade we've known each other. I wouldn't have survived this season without his support and biting commentary via IM over the past three months. Thanks for letting me gloat when Syesha shot herself in the foot with "Fever."
Seabreath's in a three-piece suit to introduce our judges, who are all spiffed up. Hell, Paula found her favorite Bedazzler before the show and gussied up her entire dress.
Greetings, Earthlings!
Our Top Ten are seated in bumfuck nowhere, it appears, and Castro doesn't hide his boredom very well. Yawn.
Also, Luke Perry and his spawn!
Guerilla marketing for the new 90210?
Big D and little D have three rounds of singing, complete with awful analogies and cliché commentary from Jim Lampley. Should I give a shit about his analysis? 'Cause I don't, and we're only 3 minutes into the show.
"Remember, in any one-to-one confrontation, offer the guy $20 and sexual favors. Then there can be two winners."
One man, one man-boy-prig, the same name, and one desire. And a whole lotta boxing lingo and montage. A heavyweight title reserved only for superstars (clarification: Kelly Clarkson, Daughtry, and Carrie Underwood, but no one else).
SLC's anti-punk 17-year-old Messiah slurs that his strategy "in this match is to keep on doing what I've been doing. Give it all I can." Kansas City's 25-year-old bartender just says he'll come out with his strongest stuff all season. Whatever that means. English majors around the world cringe as the metaphor is hacked to pieces by Idol, who probably employed a broke B.A. to write this script. Someone should've tried to go to law school.
BOXING MATCHUP TRAINING WILL BE KEY HEAVY HITTERS TOTAL VIAGRA KNOCKOUT MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!
Two Davids, Two Old Guys, and a Boxing Singing Place. I wish Clive Davis and Andrew Lloyd Weber would each pick a protégé and shit talk each other all night long. Lord Weber says it'll come down to whoever dares to do more, to take risks in their performance. Well, ironically, I can see people falling over themselves for Fetus-bot and his polished riff-full performances. Performances that don't take risks so much as play the game of American Idol and what's expected of "winners" and what's eaten up by the audience. Fetus' dad knows what's up. It's smart strategy. I'm concerned that David Cook will not recognize how important it is to revisit one of his greatest hits for tonight, and blow it on an Our Lady Peace song.
Boxing Coach Says: "Winning is about being able to trust your instincts. Dance like no one's watching. Love like you'll never love again."
Cook and Fetus appear without the magic of sliding doors. Fetus is clad in a manly blazer and Cook looks rugged with a chain. Apparently, there was a coin toss after last week's result shows and Fetus won, choosing to perform second tonight. Cook's more of a showman than little Fetus, who softly murmurs being on the stage tonight is like a dream, a dream come true. SPEAK UP.
Cook says that it's a tall order for him to keep up with this "kid," which I hope is an underhanded attempt at shit-talking (bring it on!). Heh. Next think you know Fetus will be alleging that Cook needs to use Viagra. The judges weigh in, Randy with his usual four catchphrases strung together (Drop it hard like it's mad hawt and there's not tomorrow, dawg!), Paula with some new-age chakra meditation happy thoughts, and Simon putting it bluntly: "You have to hate your opponent." Well, I wouldn't blame Cook for hating the Fetus.
Final words from DC and Fetus? Fetus to Cook: "This guy's so awesome (but obvs. not as talented as me, I wish the best of luck to him." Cook to Fetus: "Whatever I say is gonna sound trite. Fetus is one of the most consistently nice people in this competition, and the competition is over. We're just having fun." Hmm. Neither appear to think very much of their competitor.
Oh snap, let the games begin!
ROUND ONE
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Comments (15)
I have been waiting for your snarky recap. Love it!
I hope to hell that Cook wins tonight.
Archuleta is SOOOOO boring.The poor kid looks terrified that his dad is going to beat him if he doesn't "perform". Two words---Elevator Music.
1 of 15 | Posted by KikiC | Posted on May 21, 2008 6:33 PM
Cookie for the MOTHER EFFING WIN!
Check his back for tire marks, because the judges threw him under the bus, then reversed and drove over him again.
Honestly, I think it was strategy. Archuleta DID show SOME personality last night, but too little, too late. And I am sorry, but it was NOT a knockout. Simon had been going around saying how he wants Cook to win - methinks the producers wanted to make it more exciting. I think Simon did it to infuriate the Word Nerds - which he did. I voted 3000 times.
Frankly, Cook is going to be the winner here, no matter what. Archie has a Disney contract already - he's going to be starring in Disney stuff until he's no longer cute. Cook - going to sell.
And thank you, for acknowledging that Cook IS sincere. I honestly cannot figure out where this "Cook is arrogant" garbage comes from. He has always been gracious and humble - maybe not when perfroming always, but it's a rocker persona. So what if he winks and half-grins? I don't think he's ever meant them to be disrespectful. Honestly.
If you think he's arrogant, provide examples, please. I will bet that you are taking them the wrong way or out of context.
He deserves this, more than any Idol ever has. He's the most original and most creative contestant they've ever had. And, quite frankly, he is EFFING DELICIOUS.
Thank you. I will get off my soapbox now. COOKIE BOOTS FTW!
2 of 15 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 21, 2008 8:09 PM
Also, your theory about Simon = totally right. He was on Leno the day before and Ellen the day OF saying that he wanted Cook to win. And I think he was genuinely upset with Cook for not pulling an old standard out.
But he did make me furious. I was having a mini voting party with a whole bunch of other Word Nerds and everyone was just livid at the judges (though esp. Randy) and was voting like MAD to prove them wrong.
Cowell, you are smart.
3 of 15 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 22, 2008 1:22 AM
Am I the only one who caught Randy saying something about this "being the hottest idol ever for 2007". I'm not sure what his specific words were, but he definitely had the wrong year in there. That, plus his "you could sing the phonebook" line, I really thought he was looking at notes he took from last year. Please replace him!
4 of 15 | Posted by leslie_pcc | Posted on May 22, 2008 7:08 AM
T.Vo, I just did an obnoxiously long post-mortem on the finale in the forums, so I won't repeat it here. I totally agree with you on the musical merits of D.A. vs. D.C. and I was shocked and thrilled to see D.C. pull it off, and it wasn't even close!! Cook nearly shot himself in the foot, but obviously fans were voting on the whole season's cumulative performances and future potential and not just on those three songs. I also agree that Cook seems like a decent and humble guy and I never got the arrogance accusations like he was the second coming of Constantine Marulous or something.
Anyway I mainly just wanted to say thanks for the great work recapping all season. I assume Flipit is recapping the results show so I'll give him his props then.
5 of 15 | Posted by JasonR | Posted on May 22, 2008 7:36 AM
Aww, georgiababe -- We knew you were rallying for your man, David Cook!
JasonR -- I'll head to forums to read your take on the finale; I'm still a "Bloody Donkey!" with no posts. As for the results show, uh, you will either love us or hate us for it (but hopefully LOVE) because we did it together!
6 of 15 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on May 22, 2008 9:53 AM
T.Vo, One question. I mean the one that really matters most of all here in this awesome recap:
Korg Triton Extreme or Studio? I've got the Extreme and it kicks Studio booty!
7 of 15 | Posted by timberwolf | Posted on May 22, 2008 9:56 AM
I was rallying for him T.Vo, I was. My man. Hmm. That sounds lovely. :)
Thanks for a great recap and a great season, even though I almost always disagreed with how you and Flip portrayed Cook. But alas, what would TVGasm be without snarkiness, right?
8 of 15 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 22, 2008 10:14 AM
yeah...Randy had the wrong year. If it had been Paula, it would have been a headline.
I also caught Randy take a back-handed slap at Cook, saying his third song was one he could "get by with" in the real world. Very rude.
I'm so glad Gasper The Friendly Mormon didn't win. I can't stand that vacant little boy.
9 of 15 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on May 22, 2008 12:17 PM
"A heavyweight title reserved only for superstars (clarification: Kelly Clarkson, Daughtry, and Carrie Underwood, but no one else)."
I thought that was hilarious...a title DAUGHTRY NEVER HELD...yet the producers included Daughtry's photo, hoping the audience is too dumb to remember.
10 of 15 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on May 22, 2008 12:21 PM
I've got a korg too, but I don't know which one--the one that nearly plays itself, coz with my chops, it would have too!!!
I did think Fetus sang his patooties off, and most of it was pretty good--he ruined Imagine though, I mean, yeeeechhh--and I was actually looking forward to it, and thinking it would be longer and not start on the third verse again . . . alas. I dunno, I was so sick of it, when gaycrest ever asked what they needed to do to win, I was wishing I had a magic bullet to take him and Randy out in one blast, but instead, I ff'd all the judges all the way thru--LORD, if I heard the phone book cliche just one more time, my TV would have looked like flip it's does after a year!!!
(not pretty--we saw it after the Brooke stop gate)
thanks for all the guffaws T.vo, I'm headin' on over the finale cap now!!!
HEART to all . . . and georgiababe--so nice to see you basking in the gasm spirit, some people get sooooo upset when they're fave is under fire . . . I appreciate your good sportspersonship!!!!
11 of 15 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 22, 2008 1:18 PM
Thanks for another FINE recap.
I almost choked when my DVR cut off right after Tink said "And the new American Idol is David..."!
The final two shows were much better than I expected (proving Homer's law of low expectations).
Best TVgasm tag-team recapping ever (you dawgs could recap the phone book :)
12 of 15 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on May 22, 2008 1:59 PM
Aww, thanks for all the love, ladies and gents! I was thrilled to be a part of this with you all (and Flipit, of course). And thanks to ChickBomb and HugoStop for their cameos during this season!
juddfan -- Does this mean that Flipit owes you 20 bucks? Did you win your AI office pool?!
timberwolf -- I have a Korg Triton LE 88 (Music Workstation), and I got it in 2003. So it's probably not as Extreme as yours. *cries* I would've loved have dragged my upright piano to college back then but it was out of the question. One push of a button and a turn of the wheel does turn any room into an insta-rave, though.
georgiababe -- don't worry, I defended Cook last night while chatting with Flipit online. You'd have been proud.
13 of 15 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on May 22, 2008 3:23 PM
Lol, thanks T.Vo. My heart is swelling with pride.
14 of 15 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 22, 2008 7:48 PM
Okay so I had a revelation...Britney should try out for AI...Or like show up and be added as a surprise finalist. How juicy would that be!? She'd do it, you know it. Redemption! Mortification! WHO KNOWS! Oh wait she can't really sing...hmmm...well at least her and Paula could play with eachothers' hair and pop pills in the dressing room.
15 of 15 | Posted by ttsnibbly | Posted on May 26, 2008 7:02 PM