Time to make the donuts.
Since last season of American Idol, I have changed apartments, broken up with my Ling Wings, gained forty five pounds, and made fun of Jordan Spanx at least once a day every day. It's been a good year. And now it's time to do it all over again! And this season I get to do it with my friend T.Vo, so it should be extra good time five dolla. I called my best friend Mary Jane, Little Caesar, and Little Debbie (not related) and we had a party. OK, we have a party every night, but tonight the soundtrack was the best and most polished we've heard! At least that's what Nigel and his legions of cue card writers will have us believe.
Tink welcomes us to night two of Season 7, claiming that the level of talent is higher than EVAH!!! Riiiight. I know he can't just come out and say "last night, the guys sucked big donkey balls. Tonight hopefully won't sound like kittens being born", but he's not even trying to sell it. Little guy looks tuckered out. I don't blame him though. The man has like thirty jobs. He's tired.
The girls are awkwardly lined up the stairs, and I immediately like the tiny girl, because she's stuck behind some big hair and making the best of the situation. Who would place her there? We are often told about the heart wrenching personal sagas of the contestants on this show, but no one ever talks about what it's like to get stuck standing behind some big ass hair. It's too personal.
Here's the story.
Tink walks down the steps and says, in as butch a way as he can muster, "bring it on, ladies!" LOL. Way to squash the rumors, big boy. He goes on to tell us that even Idols aren't immune to the flu, and a lot of them have it. It's the worst flu season in history! Warning: don't leave the house. And if the girls stink up the room as badly as the boys did last night, don't blame Idol. Blame mother nature. It's still the BEST SEASON IN HISTORY.
He looks up at the balcony of girls and asks if they will be able to push on through their coughs like the heroes they are. They assure him that they're ok, and then they cough up a loogie on his little head.
A PA comes out and cleans up the fairy and then Tink welcomes the Judges. First he tries to decipher a bunch of Randy-isms. They are mostly dawg related and by now make perfect sense to me. The only one I got hung up on was "the guys can really blow." That's assumed, isn't it? Is it necessary to call them all out in public?
Paula's hair this year is really pretty. Nice work, Daniel. She looks like she's twenty. Hey! She should make a comeback! She advises the girls to do their best with the vocals even though some of them are vocally challenged. She speaks of what she knows, that one. Tink asks Simon if he minds when contestants get sassy with him, and Simon brushes it off with a laugh, saying he loves when people speak their minds. I am glad Simon is starting off with such a jovial demeanor this year. It will give him more of an arc. It wouldn't be as interesting if he opened with threats of publicly shooting his own face off if he has to hear one more teenager butcher modern pop music. Save it for sweeps. Or the first song.
Kristy Lee Cook, the horse trainer from Oregon, is up first. Kristy couldn't afford the trip to the last audition and she's been kicking herself all year. Kristy is beautiful and a really good singer, so this time she sold her favorite horse to afford a plane ticket to try out. She tells us this story with the most charming smile God ever invented, and it makes the selling a loved one thing seem less harsh. In selling her BFF, she gave herself a great gift (she's made it this far!) and she's blessed kindergartners all over the country with a gift. It's gifts all around.
I'm glad Kristy's not a single mother. That kid would be working in a sweatshop right now.
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Comments (10)
LOL your recap.
Before this week, I thought there was more talent this season. Now I'm just hoping it was a matter of the jitters and that black plague thing that's going around.
I laughed twice at Randy's remark about how all the boys can blow - once when I heard him say it and again when you reminded me.
BTW - I suspect the change in Hollyweird format was largely intended to ensure that another Sanjaya didn't slip through the cracks.
1 of 10 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on February 22, 2008 9:41 AM
Flipit, I stopped watching this show when Sanjaya stayed and stayed and stayed. It aggravated me so much, although the funniest part of it was that he really thought he could sing. Anyway, I'll watch it through your recaps, since you make even the worst show funny!
2 of 10 | Posted by featherhead | Posted on February 22, 2008 10:11 AM
Flipit, hold off on the Prozac for now. I too completely agree that this is starting off scary. I haven't been super impressed with any of them at all. This is not good to have NO standouts at this point!
3 of 10 | Posted by renoblondee | Posted on February 22, 2008 11:01 AM
Flipit - I couldn't agree more! All throughout the episode, I was thinking - these are really the best people they could find??
Are you Fing serious!?! (oddly enough the same thoughts I have while watching Rock of Love 2)
All throughout Alexandrea's performance I was so uncomfortable and prayed for it to end - when the judges were all praise-y, I had to re-wind and watch again only to be even MORE hopeful that she had just fallen down the stairs before even opening her mouth to sing! YUCK
Some of my hopes for the upcoming weeks:
1. Carly gets a volumizer.
2. During hard-rock week the only song left for Brooke White is Closer by NIN.
3. Kristy Lee Cook pulls Jamie Lynn Spears and gets knocked up mid-season!
4. Simon tells Alaina that he could fit his thumb through the gap between her teeth - and actually tries it.
4 of 10 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on February 22, 2008 12:42 PM
FLIPIT!!! glad you are back - I've missed your particular brand of snark.
This show is in serious trouble if out of 7 bazillion people, these 24 are the ones they found to abuse our eardrums for the next few months. Seriously, are any of them any good AT ALL? Even the "ringers" did a shitty job - Carly and Michael better bring their game because I think they both sucked and didnt get called out.
This is the most talented season ever?? we're screwed!!
5 of 10 | Posted by jelliepair | Posted on February 22, 2008 1:06 PM
I've missed you soooo Flip (tho I'm slowly digesting the BB recaps--I just can't make myself watch, but if Ryan was hairier I'd be right there!)
Well, for whatever reason, I love, love, love Asia'h, and her distinctive voice and fun-ness. I thought Lushington was great myself, ya know, the middle part seemed connected to nothing, but I appreciated her efforts, and slight melodic changes on the choruses. Very relevant! I liked gap tooth too, and was surprised she did well.
Amanda, who I keep forgetting is named that, as skunk chick might be better, was not that great to me. I really hope she sings the s**t out of some slower song so I can hear more than 3 or 4 notes from her. I like her, but I prefer melody. Wish she'd done a Blake, and gone completely outside of what we expect--it's fun that she can't dance! I wanna like Kady for the Brit imitation alone, we'll see.
As always, I do think the top 24 is loaded with "cannon fodder" (I believe that's what they're calling it), as Nigel's way of controlling the top 12---God Forbid that Carly doesn't make it, or MJ or David A . . . I imagine they'll be stuffing those biotches down our throats till we choke like one of Paula's dogs who found her perscription vial.
6 of 10 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 22, 2008 3:23 PM
Flipit - you are right on track! I consumed mass quantities of Bloody Marys and it still didn't help. Next week I may have to try something stronger . . .
7 of 10 | Posted by kdfinjpn | Posted on February 22, 2008 3:34 PM
DUDE YOU DO RECAPS?!?!?! WTFFFFFF!!! sorry i'm lame like that, but ive never read your stuff and, well, my dad kicked me out of his office moments ago because i was laughing too hard. you are the biggest dork in Idol land and for that, you are the true American Idol.
california roll... oh gawd, i just had a ross gellar 'umami' flashback. im dying here. im dying here!!!
hugo baio
8 of 10 | Posted by hugostop | Posted on February 22, 2008 4:57 PM
I think one of the biggest problems, besides these 24 pretty much sucking in general, is having them sing 60s songs on the first night of the real show. WTF was that. This is probably the least-enjoyed show of anyone under the age of 40, which accounts for about 99% of anyone who would vote. Why can't they sing whatever song they want?
It just cracked me up that they are calling all these 16 and 20 year olds old-fashioned when they're forcing them to sing 40 year old songs. I am disappointed in this season so far.
On another note, do you think Josiah acted like such a crybaby schoolboy bitch because he knew he had no TV in his car and would never have to watch the auditions?
9 of 10 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on February 22, 2008 9:25 PM
Flipit-you totally ROCK!
I totally laughed from the beginning to end.
I'm looking forward to more of your recaps-love ya!
also i agree with DP Hooker-forcing them to sing old songs and then calling them all old fashion was just plain STUPID.
10 of 10 | Posted by yuds101 | Posted on February 23, 2008 8:46 PM