Kristy sings a pretty toned down, colorless version of "Rescue Me", which is kind of rude since she just sold her horse into slavery so she could be a STAH. Unfortunately, it looks like that horse might die for nothing. When you long for the version of a song that airs on TV commercials, it's a bad sign. Kristy has a nice voice, but bore snore. And she's missing notes all the way through. My guess is she's just scared shitless. Uh-oh. I hope pulls it out next time, because she's got some promise. Plus, if she doesn't win, she won't be able to buy her horse back. AAWWWW! Wait a second, you sold your horse in the first place. Booooo!
Rescue Me
Randy gives her credit for going first and performing even though she's deathly ill from the malaria that's going around, but damn girl. That sucked ass. Paula is as nice as she can be. Give the girl a break. She went first, she has malaria, she hasn't sung in twenty years, she's suffered back problems...wait. What? Anyway, the point is, even if you can't sing so well, sell it. Maybe dance with a cartoon.
Simon brings us back to Earth: robotic, boring, baaad song choice. On cue, the audience boos him and Paula argues with him and tells him she'd like to see him do it. The audience cheers. Simon says he could do better, and so could Paula. The audience kinda boos. At least they got that one right. Tink reminds us that some of the girls could barely walk to up to the stage in rehearsals because of that ebola going around, so thanks, Kristy, for suffering through it and not dropping dead in the middle of your performance.
Joanne Borgella is next, and she's another one I really want to like. She's a plus sized model who comes across as beautiful on the inside and out in her pre-show clips. Especially in that part during Hollywood week where she held the hand of the girl who's ass she kicked instead of jumping up and down and sticking out her tongue and chanting "nanny nanny boo boo. Stick your head in doo doo."
Like Kristey before her, Joanne sings like she's tied to the railroad tracks and is trying to get someone to help her before she's disembodied. She sings "I'll Say a Little Prayer", but she should have said one before she came out on stage. She's way off key through most of the song and actually screeches out a couple of her big notes. Man, I feel for her because I'm sure it's just because she's scared, but being scared is against the rules.
You're saying a prayer for me? Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Randy says that the nerves are all over tonight and she was shaky at best. Paula chalks it up to nerves, which is better than blaming that nasty staph infection that's killing everyone right now. Simon calls bs on them both and says that Joanne blew chunks all over the stage and if she doesn't watch it she's gonna be meandering down Forgotten Woman fashion show runways for the rest of her twenties and early thirties (plus sized models have longer shelf life than skinny ones). He also discards the "nerves" excuse. This is an opportunity for stardom. If you don't have the cojones to deal, you're not a STAH. The audience boos. Oh shut up audience.
Joanne tells Tink that if America gives her another chance, she'll show us what she showed us during Hollywood week, "which was an awesome performance". Girl, if you get a voice to match that attitude you'll have no problem. She goes on about how cool she is with listening to both the good and the bad remarks and Simon interjects that if she took both the good and the bad then she'd see that her song choice was horrid. LOL. She has nothing to say to that, so Tink picks up the big pile of hot mess she just left on the stage and moves on.
« America's Next Top Model: They're baaaaack! | Main | Celebrity Rehab: I Really Don't Like These People »
Comments (10)
LOL your recap.
Before this week, I thought there was more talent this season. Now I'm just hoping it was a matter of the jitters and that black plague thing that's going around.
I laughed twice at Randy's remark about how all the boys can blow - once when I heard him say it and again when you reminded me.
BTW - I suspect the change in Hollyweird format was largely intended to ensure that another Sanjaya didn't slip through the cracks.
1 of 10 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on February 22, 2008 9:41 AM
Flipit, I stopped watching this show when Sanjaya stayed and stayed and stayed. It aggravated me so much, although the funniest part of it was that he really thought he could sing. Anyway, I'll watch it through your recaps, since you make even the worst show funny!
2 of 10 | Posted by featherhead | Posted on February 22, 2008 10:11 AM
Flipit, hold off on the Prozac for now. I too completely agree that this is starting off scary. I haven't been super impressed with any of them at all. This is not good to have NO standouts at this point!
3 of 10 | Posted by renoblondee | Posted on February 22, 2008 11:01 AM
Flipit - I couldn't agree more! All throughout the episode, I was thinking - these are really the best people they could find??
Are you Fing serious!?! (oddly enough the same thoughts I have while watching Rock of Love 2)
All throughout Alexandrea's performance I was so uncomfortable and prayed for it to end - when the judges were all praise-y, I had to re-wind and watch again only to be even MORE hopeful that she had just fallen down the stairs before even opening her mouth to sing! YUCK
Some of my hopes for the upcoming weeks:
1. Carly gets a volumizer.
2. During hard-rock week the only song left for Brooke White is Closer by NIN.
3. Kristy Lee Cook pulls Jamie Lynn Spears and gets knocked up mid-season!
4. Simon tells Alaina that he could fit his thumb through the gap between her teeth - and actually tries it.
4 of 10 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on February 22, 2008 12:42 PM
FLIPIT!!! glad you are back - I've missed your particular brand of snark.
This show is in serious trouble if out of 7 bazillion people, these 24 are the ones they found to abuse our eardrums for the next few months. Seriously, are any of them any good AT ALL? Even the "ringers" did a shitty job - Carly and Michael better bring their game because I think they both sucked and didnt get called out.
This is the most talented season ever?? we're screwed!!
5 of 10 | Posted by jelliepair | Posted on February 22, 2008 1:06 PM
I've missed you soooo Flip (tho I'm slowly digesting the BB recaps--I just can't make myself watch, but if Ryan was hairier I'd be right there!)
Well, for whatever reason, I love, love, love Asia'h, and her distinctive voice and fun-ness. I thought Lushington was great myself, ya know, the middle part seemed connected to nothing, but I appreciated her efforts, and slight melodic changes on the choruses. Very relevant! I liked gap tooth too, and was surprised she did well.
Amanda, who I keep forgetting is named that, as skunk chick might be better, was not that great to me. I really hope she sings the s**t out of some slower song so I can hear more than 3 or 4 notes from her. I like her, but I prefer melody. Wish she'd done a Blake, and gone completely outside of what we expect--it's fun that she can't dance! I wanna like Kady for the Brit imitation alone, we'll see.
As always, I do think the top 24 is loaded with "cannon fodder" (I believe that's what they're calling it), as Nigel's way of controlling the top 12---God Forbid that Carly doesn't make it, or MJ or David A . . . I imagine they'll be stuffing those biotches down our throats till we choke like one of Paula's dogs who found her perscription vial.
6 of 10 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 22, 2008 3:23 PM
Flipit - you are right on track! I consumed mass quantities of Bloody Marys and it still didn't help. Next week I may have to try something stronger . . .
7 of 10 | Posted by kdfinjpn | Posted on February 22, 2008 3:34 PM
DUDE YOU DO RECAPS?!?!?! WTFFFFFF!!! sorry i'm lame like that, but ive never read your stuff and, well, my dad kicked me out of his office moments ago because i was laughing too hard. you are the biggest dork in Idol land and for that, you are the true American Idol.
california roll... oh gawd, i just had a ross gellar 'umami' flashback. im dying here. im dying here!!!
hugo baio
8 of 10 | Posted by hugostop | Posted on February 22, 2008 4:57 PM
I think one of the biggest problems, besides these 24 pretty much sucking in general, is having them sing 60s songs on the first night of the real show. WTF was that. This is probably the least-enjoyed show of anyone under the age of 40, which accounts for about 99% of anyone who would vote. Why can't they sing whatever song they want?
It just cracked me up that they are calling all these 16 and 20 year olds old-fashioned when they're forcing them to sing 40 year old songs. I am disappointed in this season so far.
On another note, do you think Josiah acted like such a crybaby schoolboy bitch because he knew he had no TV in his car and would never have to watch the auditions?
9 of 10 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on February 22, 2008 9:25 PM
Flipit-you totally ROCK!
I totally laughed from the beginning to end.
I'm looking forward to more of your recaps-love ya!
also i agree with DP Hooker-forcing them to sing old songs and then calling them all old fashion was just plain STUPID.
10 of 10 | Posted by yuds101 | Posted on February 23, 2008 8:46 PM