"I refuse to bathe until we get Melinda Doolittle back."
I have a confession to make. While channelsurfing, I caught the end of a particularly hellacious episode of The Moment of Truth. The one where a dirty blonde who resembled a brassy Miss Piggy 'fessed up to the following: 1. Being fired for stealing money from her workplace, 2. Not being in love with her husband on her wedding day, 3. Having sexual relations with men other than her husband post-wedding, and 4. Believing that she married the wrong man. Wow. That makes the three ring, two tranny circus that is American Idol look super classy!
Seacrest, dressed like Barack Obama with a slightly opened button down shirt sans suit jacket, intones dramatically that millions of families are watching tonight. The futures of 10 girls hang in the balance. Nope, he's not talking about abandoned Chinese baby girls who need emergency heart surgery so they don't stop breathing and turn blue. We're talking about 10 girls, half of whom can't outsing a Tickle Me Elmo. This is part two of Idol hopefuls revealing their secrets and things we may not know about them from their MySpace profiles, fansites, or The Drudge Report.
Seacrest does the obligatory introduction of the judges, and he sounds more weary than the cast of Cats and Rent put togther. We learn that Randy wears size 13.5 shoes and has an inversely proportional penis. He's still in love with the man cardigans, only this one boasts some fluorescent yellow trim. Paula, who actually looks better than the contestants, is wearing a lot of high-necked blouses lately, which makes me suspect someone's got hickies to hide. Simon is back in his standard prep-school grey v-neck, and in a world where the economy's going to hell, there's nothing more comforting than a predictable wardrobe. No matter what happens, we're going to be fine, my ass.
Alaina, Deal or No Deal wants you!
Welcome to the wedding from hell, for tonight we revisit songs of the '70s. I'm waiting to hear someone sing Bob Seger's "Like a Rock" next week when we hit the '80s. Isn't it time for songs rehashed and killed in car commercials yet? What's frightening is that half of our contestants weren't even born in the '80s. They completely missed the boat, and have no idea how controversial slap bracelets were in public schools.
When pressed for feedback, Randy says it's about figuring out what song suits your voice and singing style best. You know, like ballad versus uptempo versus the super-catchy jingle for Empire carpets. 1-888-2300-EMPIRE! Dun! Randy proclaims that the guys performances this week were hot, and that they've seen the one to beat. A halo appears above Fetus' head as we are treated to the sound of heavenly choirs. Paula and Simon also stress song selection, but I'll spare you the commentary. Simon observes there are 19 miserable contestants who realize Fetus is a force to be reckoned with. So here's to the girls not topping Fetus' rendition of "Imagine" this week, which was, by the way, ripped from the late, great Eva Cassidy.
Up first, the girl who cost MCA Records 2.2 million dollars and was envisioned to develop into a mature female vocalist along the lines of Celine Dion. You can call me the queen of France! Carly Smithson reveals that not only does she co-own a tattoo shop with her freaky-deaky husband, she also bartends at an Irish pub. Color me shocked and surprised, she managed to reaffirm two stereotypes in two seconds. Guinness and shamrocks, by golly. She reveals she's quite a homey person (and not a belligerently drunk, perma-pregnant Irish bitch) as we cut to a shot of her making her bed. Her hotel bed. Which some underpaid, possibly illegal maid has to remake. She loves to clean, to cook, and to have herself another record deal.
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Comments (16)
The fact that you referenced Butters in relation to Lushington's song choice means you're my best friend forever and ever!
1 of 16 | Posted by Izzyboy | Posted on February 29, 2008 6:27 AM
The fact that you referenced Butters in relation to Lushington's song choice means you're my best friend forever and ever!
2 of 16 | Posted by Izzyboy | Posted on February 29, 2008 6:28 AM
I love the music of the 80's. This new AI group, however, will continue to butcher every song they attempt.
Except, I guess, for Fetus. From all the breathless ass kissing I've seen, apparently he's been designated as Jesus Christ 2.0.
That is all.
3 of 16 | Posted by Snarky | Posted on February 29, 2008 7:15 AM
I noticed the scarfs, too. Are they prtecting their vocal cords?
I can't stand Amanda and hope she goes fast!
4 of 16 | Posted by menomor3 | Posted on February 29, 2008 7:25 AM
T.Vo, I'm not even through the recap yet, but I had to give you kudos for the Bill as Towlie screencap. That was so random and hilarious. LMAO!
5 of 16 | Posted by JasonR | Posted on February 29, 2008 8:15 AM
OK, I finished. Recap was absolutely hilarious. Double threat with the sarcastic recapping of song choice AND fashion choice. BTW, I recall once that in an interview in one of the past seasons that one of the finalists said that they get a budget from the show but the contestants do shop for and choose their own clothes, so you can rest easy in making fun of them for what they wear if you so choose.
6 of 16 | Posted by JasonR | Posted on February 29, 2008 8:31 AM
By the way T.Vo, I didn't mean to imply you were one of the ones slobbering all over Fetus. Everyone else seems to be.
You rock!
7 of 16 | Posted by Snarky | Posted on February 29, 2008 8:46 AM
Guess I'm the sole Lushington fan . . . she seems to be bringing subtle changes in melody that the others don't, Ramiele was thuddingly dull repeating the exact melody twice. Simon's never heard Magic Man, yet Hard songs have been on the show for seasons now . . . lame! He's so obvious in who he wants gone, F him!!!
Did we all hear about the wig!?
8 of 16 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 29, 2008 12:12 PM
What wig??? I heard some Bret Michaels-type wig jokes about Robbie Carrico. What gives juddfan?
9 of 16 | Posted by JasonR | Posted on February 29, 2008 12:38 PM
juddfan -- I actually liked Lushington (and okay, I had a soft spot for Butters' interpretation of the Chicago song) but I think this week's performance (while technically better than Amanda's/Kady's/etc, for sure) was really incongruous with who she is as a singer, or at least what the audience and judges were hoping for. I think we were all hoping for her to belt something big and vibrant. I did appreciate the subtlety of her interpretation more than Ramiele's song, which was slightly more memorable due to its upbeat tempo.
As for the wig, yes, I have heard the TMZ rumors that his locks are polyester and not from the Dolly Parton collection! DListed and MTV are also debating the wig's existence (they're no Drudge Report, though). Hit up Google.
10 of 16 | Posted by t.vo | Posted on February 29, 2008 2:43 PM
Thanks T.vo--I'm a huge dlisted fan, PP 4evah!!! I sometimes wonder if MK isn't on here somewhere, hiding under some psuedonym!!!! Weirdly, the wig came after the votes, so couldn't be considered in the later voting . . .
11 of 16 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 29, 2008 3:41 PM
I mean later results . . .
JasonR, Robbie faux rocker is rumored to be wearing a wig . . . talk about credibility!
12 of 16 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 29, 2008 3:43 PM
I, too, liked Lushington. She was my favorite! BOO HOO.
13 of 16 | Posted by dani2526 | Posted on March 1, 2008 11:52 AM
It's nice to see some Lusington luvin on this site. I couldn't understand any of the judges comments this week. I don't think Lush has a belter's voice but rather a very clear, nuanced voice - and that was on full display in her performance, which I really loved. I don't understand how that blond chick (the one with the guitar not the other 20 blond girls on stage - seriously I can't tell them apart just yet) could be praised for a boring, copy-cat version of 'You're So Vain'. Meanwhile Lush gives a IMHO wonderfully layered and subtle interpretation and is trashed for it.
My other favourite of the night, Syesha, got pummeled for the most ridiculous of reasons. I thought she did a very good rendition of "Me and Mr(s) Jones". Randy tells her she needs to pick a song where she can belt more. Um, Randy, if every note is belted out then there is no dramatic build-up to the big notes - which this performance certainly had. Then Simon criticises her for the most ridiculous of reasons: that the song was not originally written for a woman. WTF?!
I'm a fan but what the heck was up with Ramiele? Bad choice of song. Oh, and I thought the Irish lass did an bang up job on the Heart song.
14 of 16 | Posted by bdos88 | Posted on March 1, 2008 12:40 PM
I finally figured out who Simon reminds me of.
Those cranky old people who yell at the neighborhood kids to GET THE HELL off my lawn!
I've known:
- One old guy who hid in the bushes and hosed down the kids.
- One old lady who came outside with a shotgun if she saw the kids.
and
- One guy who sits in his garage where you can't see him and shoots kids with a paint ball gun.
I gotta admit, that is a pretty cool use of a paint ball gun.
Simon...you are gonna be the best cranky old guy, ever.
15 of 16 | Posted by rhoda | Posted on March 2, 2008 3:25 AM
What? How is Kady Malloy the resident hottie? I don't think she's hot by any stretch of the imagination. I like her, though. I'm quite dismayed by this week's results show.
I too disagreed with Simon's comments about SYESha. Made no fucking sense. Since when did people only sing songs that were originally written for their gender on this show? Or, you know, in life? Remember last year when hey all had to do Bee Gee's songs and Barry Gibb was shocked by every choice the women made because they were originally written for men?
16 of 16 | Posted by Rock Star | Posted on March 3, 2008 7:44 PM