It's the biggest season yet!! They've auditioned over 100,000 loozas! Will they find at least one that doesn't suck bawls? Well, we'll sure have fun while they try. THIS! Is American Idol!! Welcome to Hollywood!
WHY AM I SINGLE?!?! WAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
As he does every year, Tink flitters around spreading fairy dust on everyone and being the sweet tiny little non offensive host he is. The only difference is, this year he's wearing a Bromance shirt. Poor little fella. I bet he was sad when Brody didn't pick him. What's the point of producing an entire show around someone if you're not even gonna get a hand on your knee? You ungrateful heathen, Brody Jenner!
The 147 who have made it this far stand on the huge stage and look out at the thousands of seats and practice their earnest emoting faces, like Obama's floating down from the ceiling on a golden cloud with rent vouchers and Grammys for all.
You need to have them start shooting you from the other side, Eponine. Don't say I never taught you nothin'.
Randy gives an inspirational speech. "This will separate from the real ones to da fake ones right here!" This is why they only let him "woot" and "dawg".
Close your nose! You're disturbing America.
Tink tells us, as he does every season, that the talent is out of control this year. I've heard it before, pixie! And every year there's at least one Blake or Spanx or Diana DiGuarmo working their way into my memory to torture me for the rest of my life. I want to have Blake's "album" played at my funeral so everyone goes home and kills themselves. Why should I be the only one to die? Point is, every year I put my off key beat boxing simmering hate aside and believe Tink. If you don't believe in miracles, what's the point of even being here? Aw! And look! Right when my attitude changes, Fantasia and LaToya get in the middle of the stage and squeeze out a baby! You see? BELIEVE!
Ask and ye shall receive, m'kay?
The judges come out and greet the contestants, and Simon looks very fit and slim. Thankfully, he has kept his butt crack haircut and his man boobies. I just wanna yank up the skin on his shoulders and chip clip it.
So how have your nips been getting along with your belly button lately?
Simon's advice is basically "don't suck", but he doesn't need to prep them much because this year the producers have put the kids through American Idol Bootcamp. This means they got their hair did,...
Did anyone bring matches?
...took some vocal lessons,...
That hat is off key.
and learned what do do if Paula ever corners them in the bathroom.
Cry as loudly as you can and tell her she's a gift.
Everyone's super nervous. For comic relief, Martin short comes out and electrocutes himself, puts on a Rod Stewart wig, and does a set.
When did Barry Manilow become an old lady's underarm jiggle?
The producers have promised that this year there won't be so many old people themed nights. Instead, there will be fresh young artists. Part of the fun will be in seeing what Nigel considers fresh young talent.
Barry was thrown a bone though, and allowed to come to the auditions. He's a mentor who really cares about the kids, which is sweet, and none of them get nervous cuz they don't know who the hell he is.
Holy shit is that the lady from Kath and Kim?
Barry gives a speech about believing in what you're singing and never letting anyone tell you you're too old to spray tan and wear ridiculous hair from the eighties. This guy is totally moved.
Man I hope I win Project Runway.
Half of the contestants are sent wandering down Hollywood Blvd to see where the real talent lives while the other half audition.
« True Beauty: Revenge of the MURSE! | Main | The City: The Truth, Like Kelly Cutrone, Can Be a Bitch »
Comments (18)
"The vocal coach asks her what it means for her to be here and she answers that she's doing it for her parents. Unless your parents just died in a horrible car crash, that's so the wrong answer."
Uhm..both of her parents ARE dead. She's being raised by her best friend's family.
Other than that, I agree with everything you said...especially LaGuardia.
1 of 18 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on February 5, 2009 8:06 AM
"She sounds like she's holding her nose, but poor thing. That's her doctor's fault. Mexico is good for underage drinking and getting cheap prescription drugs over the counter. Not reconstructive surgery. If you complain about your new Elmo nose all you get is a "sorry no refund me no speaky Englee." "
Okay...THAT made me spit out me coffee!!!!!
2 of 18 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on February 5, 2009 8:14 AM
Okay, I realize who emo-piercing guy is: George the keyboard player from The Wedding Singer had a love child with Parker Stevenson, and he's finally come out of hiding in Hell's Kitchen where he had been raised by John Leguizamo's fictional character in To Wong Foo...
At least that's my theory. Just watched last night's idol, and can't wait until your recap so I can comment! BTW, you are one of the very best recappers here. Feel the love!
3 of 18 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on February 5, 2009 8:24 AM
I was too sick to watch the show. I went to bed about an hour before it started.
I enjoyed your recap though. When I got to this part,
"We are shown the contestants who aren't auditioning today f ing around at Hollywood Landmarks. Look! It's the Beverly Hills sign! It's a guy selling Star Maps! It's the public restroom George Michael offered to give an undercover cop a bj in!"
I was heartbroken. I've always wanted to visit the George Michael/undercover cop BJ restroom.
To stand where George Michael stood. To pose where George Michael posed. It's been a goal of mine.
They should put a plaque on the restroom so gay men would know which one it is.
I think you have your work cut out for you. With the exception of the Indian guy -- I'm not seeing a lot of talent or charisma. Good luck with the recaps.
4 of 18 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on February 5, 2009 8:44 AM
"Uhm..both of her parents ARE dead. She's being raised by her best friend's family."
OH
MY
GAWD
i am mortified!!! i seriously didn't know. man so sorry eponine! thanks for reading and commenting you guys!! i will be over here eating a nice bowl of feet if you need me. :/
5 of 18 | Posted by flipit | Posted on February 5, 2009 9:26 AM
Flipit I nearly pissed myself reading this. Whenever Idol gets really lame I cheer myself up by thinking of how much great material it gives you to work with.
Look out for Anoop-dog and Danny the widower, kids.
6 of 18 | Posted by JasonR | Posted on February 5, 2009 9:37 AM
I've been waiting ever so patiently for your first American Idol recap of the season, Flip! After season last night's group round episode, I kinda wish you waited just one episode more, but as always, you are BRILLIANT!
Baby LaTasia, BWAHAHAHA
Von Smith screen grabs - BWAHAHAHA
Bikini Whore and "... bring your pole tomorrow." - BWAHAHAHA
Dead Parents Ooops - BWAHAHAHA
RIP, Osmond Hottie, wish I knew why you were cut. And where the hell is BRENT KEITH SMITH?!?!? I need me some man candy!
7 of 18 | Posted by slumrville | Posted on February 5, 2009 9:46 AM
This was soooo funny! I'm so glad I waited until lunch to read it! I laughed out loud mucho times!
What happened to Leneshe? I thought she'd be here singing another one of her original songs. Natty was catchy! We didn't even see her in a background shot! Didn't she make it? Weird!
8 of 18 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on February 5, 2009 10:48 AM
I love the new judge.
9 of 18 | Posted by Pegster | Posted on February 5, 2009 11:32 AM
Another fine recap!
I hereby officially forgive you and obsolve you from blame for not remembering the whole dead parent thing.
10 of 18 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on February 5, 2009 12:12 PM
Flipit - pure genius! I would grab quotes I liked, but I'd be putting your whole recap in here. Laughed so hard I woke the dogs numerous times...lazy bums!
11 of 18 | Posted by dearcrabby | Posted on February 5, 2009 12:17 PM
Yay!!!!! Flipit's Back!!!! I thought the chick with the rock voice was kind of good--it's a rare sound, did she do Janis Joplin yet? hee
I loved the recap, and I did get to see this one, but it's all such a blur. I don't think BW is all that, she's pretty, and I actually like her nose etc, but, I don't get why she's being seen as such a knockout, and really, the bikini worked, we all know who she is . . . sigh . . . should we all be wearing them!?
xoxoxo
12 of 18 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 5, 2009 1:29 PM
Holy shit, people, so far this season we have had blindness, lonely seniors, MS, hurricanes (or was it tornadoes?), cute kids and dogs, dead wives, slutty skanks, the bunny suit from A Christmas Story, moms with seizures, single homeless moms of a zillion kids, the return of Krazy Alexis as a buddhist... Is it any wonder you forgot about the dead parents, Flipit? I can't wait for your take on the group night wreck, which had to be the worst AI episode EVER!!! Only some flipwisdom will be able to redeem that steaming pile.
13 of 18 | Posted by sayhuh | Posted on February 5, 2009 3:28 PM
Yep, and her mom WAS killed in a car accident! Enjoy those feet. lol. Also, look on youtube for videos of Anoop and the Clefhangers singing Buy You A Drank acapella. Magic!
14 of 18 | Posted by tadow | Posted on February 6, 2009 3:09 AM
amazing how a whole day can pass and my mortification? still the same! good lord. thanks for reading you guys! see you next week! xo
15 of 18 | Posted by flipit | Posted on February 6, 2009 3:55 AM
awwww! The Tink Fairy is back!! YAY!!!
now, reading on...
16 of 18 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 6, 2009 12:04 PM
Where is Day #2 of Hollywood week? On the way?
17 of 18 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on February 7, 2009 9:17 PM
man i forgot how fun this show is to recap. thanks for reading you guys. i will be back full time for the top 36 on. the next recap is up now and next week will be jmo and chickbomb's take. i have to ask, thatswhatshesaid, are you the same as thatswhatshesaid the recapper? i am so confused.
18 of 18 | Posted by flipit | Posted on February 8, 2009 12:24 AM