Tonight, it's between a gay ham and a yawny twink. I CAN'T BELIVE IT'S ALMOST OVER!
I will miss this sideways face.
Tonight's final performance show begins with shots of what could have been, otherwise known as the I need to move cuz the people in my neighborhood look like this and I'm finally starting to get skerd montage.
The wheel of fugtion stops on Hambert in full on Liza mode.
Maybe this time, I'll be happy, Maybe this time, he'll staaaaayyyyyyyy!
He tells us that he is one in one hundred thousand!! DANG!! And they say Mary Kay obsessed show queens in Liza wigs are a dime a dozen. Hambert sure showed you, They! Then we get a shot of a ten year old hiding his bald spot with an Oliver Twist hat, but sideways so you know he's got soul, mkay?
Please, mothufucka, can I have some more?
He tells us that he's the voice in the crowd that needs to be heard. As long as we can look at you while we're listening. And you don't try to sing too high. And you promise to make sideways face a lot.
Ham's a dreamer!
Krispy Twink is ready!
Ham is a supastah in the making!
Krispy is the next American Idol!
Ham is the next American Idol!
Whatevs. You know who's not the next American Idol?
Askara the Hun
I'm sorry to have to arrest you, but the neighbors were complaining about the sounds of cats being tortured and general boredom, respectively.
Tink is using a handheld mic today instead of his lapel mic, cuz this is some serious shit. And THIS. Is American Idol!
I'm guessing we're back at the Kodak Theater tonight, which is HUGE, so there will be lots of A list there.
Impressive!! I hope they got the youngest son from Good Times, too!
Hambert has already performed on this stage in that Moses musical, thank you very much. And it was a much bigger deal than American Idol. I think if you've already performed at the Kodak Theater in a musical alongside Val Kilmer in fat mode, you deserve to win automatically.
Dang Moses, lay off the KFC.
Skara looks like most of us do in 2009's economy.
Do I have a job? Who do I gotta blow?
WAIT!! This year AI is finishing out it's run in downtown's Nokia theater, not the Kodak, like usual. My bad! Sorry, gonna have to take back Ham's auto-win. I'm sure he's crushed. Tink describes tonight's showdown as "a battle of the acoustic rocker vs the glam rocker! Conway vs California! The guy next door vs. The guyliner." I describe it as normal boring cheese vs really gay cheese. Like cheddar vs. camembert. I think hamembert will win cuz people like to feel fancy, but when they're all alone in the grocery store they're gonna purchase the cheddar. Why is everyone in the audience so damn shiny?
Let's say hi to the judges!! Randy is all dressed up tonight. No really. A suit, a baby plaid shirt, and a polka dotted tie for the trial being held when the show lets out. Crafts services vs. Randy Jackson. Who keeps stealing all the croissants?
I am not a crook.
Miss El Paso rides by on her float promising to bring world piece by spreading fresh, cheap enchiladas all over the planet.
Paula Abdul shows up in a lime green kimonoish top, the biggest wig she's ever worn, and a face that looks like a basketball thrown into a bonfire.
What smells like burnt rubber?
Simon's in a button down shirt and a jacket!! WOWEE! This must be important, if the Brit sprayed on a tan and put on something that accentuates his cleavage.
He and Paula are the same color tonight, which means they probably spent the last week on vacation together having some relations. You're welcome for the mental image. Why should Harper's Island be the only show to gross you out on this site? We get lost of shots of the audience, and they're all hilarious. Some of them look really confused, like they were bussed to the wrong show.
When does Dr. Oz come out? I wanna talk about the shape of my poopies.
And now, for Krispy and Ham!! They're both in jeans and leather jackets. Boring! It's the finale!! I wanted some assless chaps. Or some feathers. Something, come on!
KrispyHam. This season has led up to a delicious snack.
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Comments (17)
this was one of yer finest recaps ever, lover.
ham destroyed my eardrums after week three, so i've just been watching the faces and feeling very violated.
i'm casting my non-phoned in vote for krispy.
1 of 17 | Posted by theinternetsensation | Posted on May 20, 2009 5:16 PM
OK first off, vampires aren't orange, and second, I love the image of Randy sitting at home watching Twilight in his thong with four cartons of chubby hubby, crying his eyes out and muttering "dawg. Dawg."
That had me laughing my arse off! I wouldn't buy a CD by either of these guys. What was uo with Paula's fugly lime green satin cap sleeved hot mess of a shirt? WOW! Thanks, you make AI bearable.
2 of 17 | Posted by soapboxx | Posted on May 20, 2009 5:34 PM
I have to agree with soapboxx that the chubby hubby comment was just plain hysterical.
I'm watching the finale (2 effing hours of filler!!! GAH!) now, and Queen Latifah looks fantastic. It's amazing what Jenny Craig and 4 girdles can do!
3 of 17 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on May 20, 2009 5:47 PM
I'm pretend voting for Ham, I think it's time America be forced to embrace the gaymosexual. Awesome job, Flipit, and thanks for letting so many of us be a part of it this season.
love you madly,
xoxox
J-Mo :)
4 of 17 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on May 20, 2009 5:49 PM
Wow, Flip it!
The song is about thinking about giving up cuz you're too old and tired to live your dreams and then your wife dies and it's just so sad and depressing, but then you find that changing your hair and glasses every day can make other people smile and point at you and you think maybe I won't just be a pasty chunky lesbian with glued on facial hair singing in a mega church for the rest of my life after all!
I was thinking the same thing!!! In fact, I am still surprised they didn't get their wish, and VFTW was supporting CL, eventho Krispy was clearly not chosen for such glory . . .
Anyhoo, too funny throughout. It almost makes me feel sorry for Skara, coz here was her chance to legitimize her place here, and give them a good "choice" of a song, and you know, it didn't have to be a coronation song, here was their chance to break that corny awful tradition and shove all the magic rainbows up everybody's butt and just do something new and wild!!
Oh well, I guess I hope Adam wins, but I heard they are both getting signed, and "maybe more" whew for Allison!!!
Enjoy the show, all!!!
Oh, and I agree with Soapboxx too--hyfuckingsterical!!!!
5 of 17 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 20, 2009 6:12 PM
Oh Flip, I'm gonna miss ya! Awesome recap, as usual, thanks for making me laugh out loud!
I honestly don't know who is going to take it - I thought Adam was guaranteed the win, but Kris has been picking up steam. Not to mention he'll likely get the votes from Danny's fans.
Who knows? I thought it was a good final two. I'm pulling for Adam, but I'd buy both of their cds. Plus Allison's.
I'm watching the finale results show right now (although the winner has not yet been revealed) and I have actually really enjoyed it. Best finale in years, I think.
See you next season, all! (Well, after the finale results recap.)
6 of 17 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 20, 2009 6:55 PM
I think all the comments about how America needs to "vote for the gay" is hilarious. It's like Affirmative Action has reached AI.
Really, people...do you think middle America has never before bought an Elton John CD...gone to a Queen concert (back when Freddie Mercury was live)...watched Ellen, either her sitcom or her talk show? Who do you think made Liberace a star decades ago? Grandmothers and mothers from Iowa, Illinois, and Wisconsin (where he was originally from, and where he created a several Music Scholoarship endowments.) And who do you think made Clay Aiken's run in Spamalot a success? Middle American Tourists who flock to New York every year.
Adam isn't the first gay singer. So if he falls short, don't blame it on that. Place the blame where it belongs...on his screeching, and on the lack of warmth in his voice.
7 of 17 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on May 20, 2009 8:34 PM
I think that the guy with Adam's parents is his brother. And I also might hate myself for knowing family members of Idol contestants, but what can you do?
Paula and Simon make this show enjoyable for me. Without their hilarious comments, I have no idea what I would do.
And I'd probably buy either of their CDs. Or maybe just Adam's and I'll pirate Kris'. I know, I'm a monster.
8 of 17 | Posted by kelsey | Posted on May 20, 2009 11:36 PM
thanks for all of the great recaps! maybe you'll handle big brother coming up, or something.
anyway, i thought skara's song was terrible, and i loved how they all just dismissed it - even SKARA!!! lol. great stuff.
dax
9 of 17 | Posted by idax | Posted on May 21, 2009 6:15 AM
Great recap. Thanks for a legendary season of recaps.
I couldn't have picked the winner, either. It was almost like AI was trying to sabatage them both - or at least even up the voting. Scary's song was pretty disappointing, but the middle one wasn't much better. (Conversely, I found the finals to be unexpectantly fun and interesting... Danny and Allison and others got to showcase themselves on the big stage... and Scary showed where her real talent lies.)
10 of 17 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on May 21, 2009 8:10 AM
"'Things Are Gonna Change'"?? By "Cocker"??? Sam Cooke was already spinning in his grave with that crapfest by Adam.
11 of 17 | Posted by mikey | Posted on May 21, 2009 11:03 AM
^^^lol sorry bout that. thanks for correcting me. i didn't mean to inflict more harm than was already inflicted. thanks for reading you guys! i am working on the finale now, and so far it's just three pages of WOW. REALLY? WOW.
12 of 17 | Posted by flipit | Posted on May 21, 2009 11:19 AM
Great season...I Totally caught that shot with Scott facing the wrong way.
I disagree in that I really liked Adam's 2nd performance...I think my tv has bad speakers, because i thought it was the best of the season and possibly the best of the series.
13 of 17 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on May 21, 2009 1:29 PM
Flipit--seriously, the funniest recap I have read on this site after years of dedicated viewing. You caught it all, from Krispy's pecs, to Scott literally posing for an invisible camera to the funniest description EVER, Paula's baskball on fire color. LOL! Just so spot on time and again that I won't bore you with a recap of your recap. Brilliant!
14 of 17 | Posted by willintherace | Posted on May 21, 2009 3:07 PM
I thought Adam's second performance was EXCELLENT. V. disappointed with the outcome.
15 of 17 | Posted by alex_w | Posted on May 21, 2009 8:48 PM
Weird. I lost interest in this show right after the Church Lady was booted out.
Neither of the other two inspire the same sort of bemused repulsion.
16 of 17 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 21, 2009 11:43 PM
I just have to add for the record -- Pauler's hair was astonishingly ugly. wtf.
17 of 17 | Posted by Memememe | Posted on May 23, 2009 2:14 PM