This week, Neil Diamond proves that he's the only person alive who can make his songs tolerable. He's also the only person alive that looks like Bill O'Reilly made babies with Andrew Lloyd Webber, but that's neither here nor there. This! Is American Idol!
Holy fauxhawk, Tink! I understand going in for a trim and a clean up, but tonight's 'do makes you look a little desperate for approval. Okay, okay, Tinkley. You're a Big Boy. There. You happy?

He starts in his usual way. By lining up the Idols and walking past them trying to act all badass. Tonight he says that the "constant exposure" is taking it's toll on the poor kids, and he finishes this sentence right as he passes The Fetus, who looks like he is going to throw up. He may be skerd (he's the only one who really shouldn't be), but Syesha's not. She takes this time to do what she does best. Stare into the camera longingly in that "I'm a 'working actress'" way she has about her.
This counts, right? It's a TV credit.
Castro laughs into the camera, which I love about him, and when Tink asks "who will lose their cool this week?", Brooke smiles at us and shrugs like "my bad! Teeheehee". Ugh. Tink asks the audience to wave hi to Carly, who's sitting at home in San Diego begging her husband not to pierce his forehead. Hi, Carly! You was robbed, girl!
I have my fingers crossed tonight, because if ever there was a character to bring this year's contestants to their knees, it's tonight's mentor, Mr. Neil Leslie Diamond. To be polite, I will say I know Neil from his fantastic songwriting and appearance in The Jazz Singer. Now that that's out of the way, the real reason this man will always have my respect and admiration:
And he still had sex. With WOMEN.
Neil is sweet to the contestants, telling them that all he asks is that they find the joy in his music and not fuck up and then stop and start over again. I think Cook will be in the lead tonight because he has an unfair advantage. Tell me that Neil doesn't look like his long lost dad.
Get Jane Curtain in here and we will officially have the Conehead family.
Castro's up first, and he shows his respect to the master by showing up in his pj's with a sushi waitress flourish in the back of his dreads. Go, Geisha. Neil tells us that Jason chose "Forever in Blue Jeans" and "September Morn", which he describes as two very different songs. Don't worry, tiger. They won't be after Castro's done with them.
"Forever in Blue Jeans" is first, and he starts way too low for anyone's comfort. Before long though, he gets to jump into his regular one octave register. He gives it his best shot, but he sounds kind of ridonk singing a Neil song. He keeps it exactly as it was written and sings it in the same one note sweet tone he uses every week. I think this kid peeked with the Iz song. Even his boyfriend's bored.
Alright, now. Both of you go wash your hair.
Unfortunately, no one will be judged until after their second song, so we'll have to wait for Simon's "CRAP". Instead, he just says it with his face.
Wake up, buddy. 9 more to go.
Tink asks Cook how he prepared for Neil Diamond week, and since Cook is a little low on the personality, he turns the question back at Tink, who says he sat in the way way back of the station wagon during carpool facing the other cars and sang Diamond songs. I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and see that, and then rear end that station wagon over and over again.
David will be singing "I'm Alive" first, and Neil is happy that he chose something no one's heard before. That's probably ok because it's not Mariah Carey week and he's not Syesha. After hearing him sing "Music of the Night" so straightforward last week, his rocker voice sounds even more put on than usual during tonight's performance. I would probably think he was doing an awesome job if I was the last wasted reception guest listening to the last song of the night from the handsome if you're drunk enough wedding band front man, but unfortunately I'm stone cold sober in hole-y pajama bottoms, so I'm hating it.
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Comments (23)
Flipit, you rock my face off. Ever since the end of last night's show, I've been dying to read your recap. And here it is, bright and early, as soon as I stroll into work. Kisses!
1 of 23 | Posted by emelye | Posted on April 30, 2008 6:16 AM
Thanks for the fast recap! Couldn't wait to read about Paula, easily the most entertaining performance of the evening. Do you think she went to rehearsals and took notes? What a whack job. I guess she thought the show was over. Time flies when you're having fun...
And I just want to mention about Brooke writing lyrics on her hand when she's about to play piano. What, if she forgot the words she was going to stop playing, lift her hand up and read it? Oh, yeah, she totally would.
Seriously, a total train wreck of an evening. Another hour of my life I'll never get back.
2 of 23 | Posted by xqzmoi | Posted on April 30, 2008 6:49 AM
I've said it before and I'll say it again...Flipit's recaps are the only reason to watch the show in the first place! I totally spit my coffee when I saw the fuzzy screen pic when you were describing Paula's critique. After watching her performance last night I couldn't WAIT to read your recap.
Oh, and the ten cent hot dogs/$10 dinner...HILARIOUS!!
3 of 23 | Posted by michigan | Posted on April 30, 2008 7:33 AM
I thought Castro's second song was awful, and I'm a fan.
But I gave him a pass because it must be incredibly disheartening to have to perform immediately after discovering it doesn't matter what you really do: the judges have already decided what they think of your performance before you even open your mouth.
Drunk Paula also called Syesha "Brooke" at one point. She's the one who needs to go.
4 of 23 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on April 30, 2008 8:14 AM
Paula's Hair. Paula's Dress. Paula's drunken comments - WHO HIRED HER? I'd like to thank them for their choice. She is truly the train wreck worth watching on this show.
I seriously hope Syesha has her bags packed. She and Carly can watch together next week, and she will truly be crying like a fake baby. Jason or Brooke will be next and it will be a battle of the Davids to the end. What I wonder is will America sell out and vote for the cute "prodigy" or sell out and vote for the "emo rocker"? I am guessing emo rocker outsells prodigy 10 to 1 and if "America" (wink wink - Simon Fuller are you reading this) is smart, those will be our results.
As for me, I am not ready to let Paula go for another season. She's just started to mix her meds again!
Nice recap flipit and very very fast!
5 of 23 | Posted by jelliepair | Posted on April 30, 2008 8:30 AM
Great - and quick - recap!
I predict: Paula's bizarre comments will be the hilight of a "Best of Paula's Moments" special.
I thought Jason and Brooke did the worst. I rated Syesha at or near the top, but agree that, especially considering last (bizarro) week, she may be leaving.
(I also predict Syesha will be featured on Broadway by this time next year.)
Thanks... (and try to cut down on the hot dogs).
6 of 23 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on April 30, 2008 9:15 AM
Thanks for the great (and so fast!) recap!
OK, anyone else rewind their tivo's after Paula said the part about the 2nd song? I owed MrC. big apologies for accusing him of hitting the fast forward button and missing everyone's 2nd performance. I should of known... it was coming from Paula... no 2nd song for everyone else, just in her mind. It is what it is!
(Not a fetus fan)and thought he sang those 2 songs like a star search star and NeilDiamond sung them way better.
7 of 23 | Posted by mrsc | Posted on April 30, 2008 10:40 AM
mrsc...I, too, am no fan of The Fetus. His voice even cracked at one point last night, but no matter. Just love for him.
By the way, in our house he's known as Curious George.
8 of 23 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on April 30, 2008 11:57 AM
Thanks Flip it for this nuclear fast recap!!!
Mr. Diamond, no one can dispute your legacy as an entertainer, but "Forever in Blue Jeans" is a novelty song, Morn is not a word, unless your Keats, and "Coming to America" is haunting my brain and you're to blame!!!!! Gee Thanks . . .
I don't really care about Paula gate, but damn woman, whatever it is it must be good!
Loved the BF in the audience pouty over song choice--you're too funny!!!!
Whoever goes, may it be another shocker!
9 of 23 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on April 30, 2008 1:49 PM
If Paula's mistaken belief that Castro had already performed two songs can be viewed as evidence that she watches rehearsal and makes notes ahead of time, then I am even more disturbed than if I thought she just imagined the performance. Seriously, if she plans those nonsensical monologues of hers - that is scary.
10 of 23 | Posted by MissAng | Posted on April 30, 2008 2:06 PM
Brooke blew it for me (no duh) with her 'variation' -- how stupid was that, putting in Arizona instead of NY when the lyric is about having been from 'shore to shore.' What shore was that, the AZ side of Lake Havasu with a beer bong? Idiot.
11 of 23 | Posted by killbondnow | Posted on April 30, 2008 3:22 PM
First off, Flipit - your recaps are incredible!! Seriously, I don't remember how I ever enjoyed Idol without them..
Even Paula herself knew she was out of her element when she warned us it was really hard when they had to "write things down". Totally understandable, writing is tricky. I found it especially funny how everyone - randy, ryan, simon, contestants - just let her stumble through her entire made up opinion on Castro's undelivered second song before making her aware of her stupidity..
But maybe we should cut her some slack. As she said, it's "hard!!" to follow the rules of a show as complicated as idol, especially when you've been doing it for seven years... And when you've got five whole contestants to keep track of, how are you expected to remember if it was Jason again or David Cook? At least 13 minutes had passed by the time she had to talk - surely she can't be expected to retain information for that long?
As for the Fetus - is it only me who can't stand him??? Sure, he's talented - but he seems just like a puppet programmed to sing, and when he's not singing he's giggling and panting like a puppy, and besides the giggling and the panting - there's no personality!! Ugh, I'm tired of him.
And he DOES look a bit like Curious George :)
As for Brooke... She had her bags all packed last week, but a miracle saved her so she comes back and sings... I'm a believer?
Really? Really? Really????????????
HOW has this girl reached the top 5?? Does anyone remember girls who used to be in the top 5? Melinda? Lakisha? Paris Benett? Ppl who could actually SING????
Speaking of which, I really feel for Sayesha, who works her butt off every week and really really TRIES hard, and doesn't choose stupid songs (yes i'm looking at u blondie), and gives terrific performances, in which she actually showcases her singing abilities, and yet she'll prob go home cuz she doesn't rank high enough in the popularity contest...
Jason's fading, but in a way I'm enjoying it cuz flipit - ur commentaries are hilarious! Keep up the fantastic work!!
12 of 23 | Posted by molo | Posted on April 30, 2008 3:36 PM
LOLOLOLOL, Flipit!
I refuse to believe even Neil can make Neil's songs tolerable. Refuse!
Very funny recap. Not watching the actual show (yet?), but since I so miss Flipit, thought I'd read the recap anyway.
Ciao!
13 of 23 | Posted by Lime23 | Posted on April 30, 2008 4:50 PM
Great (and unbelievably fast) recap!
So glad someone else mentioned the 'cool church' thing with regard to David A. I said mega-Church - same thing. (no?) He has a beautiful instrument (as Paula said to David C last week), but his whole overly earnest thing bugs me now. I also HATED Coming to America -- because it was written for the remake of the Jazz Singer, and is about IMMIGRANTS COMING TO AMERICA (specifically eastern European Jewish immigrants in the movie).
But FYI: that "My Country Tis of Thee" interlude was part of Neil Diamond's original recording for the Jazz Singer record, which I owned as a youngster.
Also: I am a huge fan of Jason, but I think he has run his course on the show. He isn't versatile or strong enough. I enjoy his voice on the downloads I have from iTunes, but he isn't the "American Idol". Despite my odd obsession with him.
The problem with Syesha isn't talent, it's that she doesn't know the limits of her talent. She thinks when Simon says you are an actress/singer, he is saying "And you could win", when in reality, he is saying, "You haven't got a shot in hell of winning this, but go star on Broadway and I'll come to opening night." That's what bugs me about her.
14 of 23 | Posted by rjfrankel | Posted on April 30, 2008 5:00 PM
My mother thinks that Brooke 'needs to go', but my mom's musical ear is best evidenced by this anecdote: Neil Diamond & his first wife used to double date with my parents (my mom was friendly with her) (the last they saw of him was at their wedding 45 years ago). The friend sang my mom Neil's songs (clearly, prior to any success), and my mom wasn't impressed and thought he was a bum since he dropped out of college -- and he was short and had pimples. So, maybe Brooke is better than I think she is? :)
As for Coming to America, that "My Country Tis of THee" is in the middle of Neil Diamond's recording of the song in the Jazz Singer album - he wrote it for the movie. The whole thing burns me, though, because of COURSE this is a song about immigration, in this case, eastern European Jewish immigration. David A has no idea what this song is about -- and he didn't know what Sweet Caroline was about, either. It was a love song, for goodness sakes! You say 'cool church', I say 'mega church' -- same diff, this kid has a beatiful 'instrument' (to use Paula's terminology to David C), but should sing at a mega church.
As for Syesha, my problem with her is that she doesn't know her limitations. She is beautiful, and her voice has a beautiful tone. But she thinks when Simon says she is an 'actress/singer' he is telling her, "You are the next American Idol", instead of "You aren't the type of singer who will win this competition, but I'll come watch you on Broadway". She doesn't understand what she is great at and what she shouldn't do. That's why I want her to go.
15 of 23 | Posted by rjfrankel | Posted on April 30, 2008 5:29 PM
Hehe, I hate Brooke. On her first song she made the exact face I make while trying to act like a retard.
I'd like to tie her up and force her to watch a marathon of the most brutal films i've seen, then bash her in the head with her stupid little guitar.
16 of 23 | Posted by Bloodbath | Posted on April 30, 2008 6:48 PM
OMFG, I was laughing so hard, first at the Paula gargling pic caption, then at the Brooke, skin-pulling caption. You should get paid BANK for this! A big THANX for making my night!
17 of 23 | Posted by sweetiedarlng | Posted on April 30, 2008 8:01 PM
My mother thinks that Brooke 'needs to go', but my mom's musical ear is best evidenced by this anecdote: Neil Diamond & his first wife used to double date with my parents (my mom was friendly with her) (the last they saw of him was at their wedding 45 years ago). The friend sang my mom Neil's songs (clearly, prior to any success), and my mom wasn't impressed and thought he was a bum since he dropped out of college -- and he was short and had pimples. So, maybe Brooke is better than I think she is? :)
As for Coming to America, that "My Country Tis of THee" is in the middle of Neil Diamond's recording of the song in the Jazz Singer album - he wrote it for the movie. The whole thing burns me, though, because of COURSE this is a song about immigration, in this case, eastern European Jewish immigration. David A has no idea what this song is about -- and he didn't know what Sweet Caroline was about, either. It was a love song, for goodness sakes! You say 'cool church', I say 'mega church' -- same diff, this kid has a beatiful 'instrument' (to use Paula's terminology to David C), but should sing at a mega church.
As for Syesha, my problem with her is that she doesn't know her limitations. She is beautiful, and her voice has a beautiful tone. But she thinks when Simon says she is an 'actress/singer' he is telling her, "You are the next American Idol", instead of "You aren't the type of singer who will win this competition, but I'll come watch you on Broadway". She doesn't understand what she is great at and what she shouldn't do. That's why I want her to go.
Me, I'm sort of oddly and embarassingly obsessed with Jason. His voice isn't trained and he needs to learn some breath work and phrasing, but on my iPod, he sounds great. I even downloaded Forever in Blue Jeans - sounds great. Although I do think he is at the end of his Idol run, and will go home tonight or next week.
18 of 23 | Posted by rjfrankel | Posted on April 30, 2008 8:03 PM
OH NO - I triple posted -- because I waited 3 hours to repost when it wasn't showing up! I just figured when it said it had failed it was right this time! I am so sorry!
19 of 23 | Posted by rjfrankel | Posted on April 30, 2008 8:06 PM
Thats ok rjfrankel- I enjoyed reading your posts every time. And how cool is that that you are one degree of seperation from MrNeilDiamond?!
20 of 23 | Posted by mrsc | Posted on May 1, 2008 6:42 AM
Yes, mrsc, one degree of separation from Neil Diamond is my family's claim to fame! Thanks for understanding about the posting problem.
21 of 23 | Posted by rjfrankel | Posted on May 1, 2008 7:38 AM
I don't even think Simon actually likes the Fetus. He just sees him as a little mindless emotionless cash cow. Simon knows that 'tweens will buy that CD without a second thought. Oh, and the Fetus's surprised face that he was safe last night - whatever. I am not buying it.
22 of 23 | Posted by MissAng | Posted on May 1, 2008 8:48 AM
My only comment on this show (besides Neil Diamond = The "Jazz" Singer -- yeah, in what universe?!?!!?) is that I do think it was quite gracious of Mr. Diamond (not his real name - oh, I just checked and it actually is...) to let Loser Brooke change the lyric to make it more personal to sing (killbondnow's legitimate criticism notwithstanding).
funny recap, Flip - thanx.
Yeah, who hired Paula? How the hell did she ever get this gig??
23 of 23 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on May 3, 2008 7:44 PM