She ends it softy and sweetly, and even though I am loving her flat, straightened hair, that performance would have been way better if I was only hearing it. Tink calls the five out for the firing range. Randy starts by saying Castro was blah, Cook was solid, Brooke was better than last week but still not good, The Fetus did a good job even with the afterbirth still stuck in his throat, and Syesha was in the zone, but not great. Paula says...

Miley Cyrus Slut-1

...she liked Castro ok on the first song but felt that in his second song he wasn't fighting hard enough to get into the final four. LOLOLLLLLLLL dumbass. Randy tries to brush her stoooopidity away by telling Castro that she meant her blabber just for his first song, but then she says "OMG I thought you sang twice." HAHAHAHAHAHA I love this woman. Please tell me there's another season of Hey, Paula! in the works. Simon doesn't let her finish and gives his rundown: Castro: yikes, Cook: fairly good, Brooke: "Nightmare" (cheers, clink, and snap), Fetus: amateurish, and Syesha: please stop stalking people. He tells them all that the season is almost over and they're bore snore so please pull your heads out of your cornholes for round 2.

Castro's back with "September Morn". He does something completely different for this one. He scrunches up his face into crazy configurations and then whisper-sings pleasantly into the cameras. YAWN. Man, seriously pony. Get a new trick. He seems resigned at this point, just standing there bored like his mom's making him sing during a Junior League meeting. My guess is he had a little pre show spat with someone special.

Picture 5-25
I told him if he really loved me he would sing "Honey-Drippin' Times". Bastard!


Randy reminds Castro that it's a singing competition, and even Paula says it was no good. Jason says that he almost choked before he started and Simon calls bs and says that he's become an empty shell of a boy. Well, you did it, Simon, you lovely bastard.

Cook sings "All I Really Need is You" as his second song, and he sings it differently than Neil, but otherwise it sounds exactly the same as every other song he's sung so far. Come on, man. When is someone gonna break out this season?

Picture 6-21
Had the same effect on me.

Picture 7-22
Now can we seal the borders?


Randy loved it, Paula says she feels like he won the competition with his third song, and Simon calls it brilliant. I know that most of you agree with him, and I am big enough to admit when I have missed the boat completely. Have fun on your Cook cruise, suckas. I'd throw myself overboard anyways.

Tink asks Brooke for her reaction to Simon's "nightmare" comment. She says with a huge shit eating grin that he may not have loved it, but it was no nightmare, silly! Then Simon did this.

Picture 8-17
The best part of this pic is watching Paula gargle her "Coke" in her worn out prom dress. Goddamn it I love this show.

Tink shows us that she's got her lyrics written on her hand, which is the sign of a true star. I can totally see how "palm trees grow and rents are low" can screw a person up. They should have a Sondheim week. Her head would explode. She sings "I Am, I Said", and she does a pretty decent job. She remembers the words, and somehow her bouncing and general spazziness doesn't bug me as much when she's stuck behind a piano. She didn't suddenly get a fantastic singing voice, but she didn't mess up the piano, either, so I guess it's good? I'm trying you guys, I swear. I think I deserve credit for writing an entire paragraph instead of just UGH.

The judges all love it. Simon stands behind his diss of her first song, but says that she's way more tolerable when she's behind a large piece of furniture instead of invading our personal space with her neurosis. Brook stays positive and cool as a cucumber on the outside, but there's a huge vein that looks like it's gonna pop out of her forehead.

Picture 9-13
Durning commercial break she will be backstage covering her face in lipstick and trying to pull her skin off while reciting lines from "Wild at Heart" into the mirror.

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Comments (23)

emelye:

Flipit, you rock my face off. Ever since the end of last night's show, I've been dying to read your recap. And here it is, bright and early, as soon as I stroll into work. Kisses!

xqzmoi:

Thanks for the fast recap! Couldn't wait to read about Paula, easily the most entertaining performance of the evening. Do you think she went to rehearsals and took notes? What a whack job. I guess she thought the show was over. Time flies when you're having fun...

And I just want to mention about Brooke writing lyrics on her hand when she's about to play piano. What, if she forgot the words she was going to stop playing, lift her hand up and read it? Oh, yeah, she totally would.

Seriously, a total train wreck of an evening. Another hour of my life I'll never get back.

michigan:

I've said it before and I'll say it again...Flipit's recaps are the only reason to watch the show in the first place! I totally spit my coffee when I saw the fuzzy screen pic when you were describing Paula's critique. After watching her performance last night I couldn't WAIT to read your recap.
Oh, and the ten cent hot dogs/$10 dinner...HILARIOUS!!

cattyfan:

I thought Castro's second song was awful, and I'm a fan.

But I gave him a pass because it must be incredibly disheartening to have to perform immediately after discovering it doesn't matter what you really do: the judges have already decided what they think of your performance before you even open your mouth.

Drunk Paula also called Syesha "Brooke" at one point. She's the one who needs to go.

jelliepair:

Paula's Hair. Paula's Dress. Paula's drunken comments - WHO HIRED HER? I'd like to thank them for their choice. She is truly the train wreck worth watching on this show.

I seriously hope Syesha has her bags packed. She and Carly can watch together next week, and she will truly be crying like a fake baby. Jason or Brooke will be next and it will be a battle of the Davids to the end. What I wonder is will America sell out and vote for the cute "prodigy" or sell out and vote for the "emo rocker"? I am guessing emo rocker outsells prodigy 10 to 1 and if "America" (wink wink - Simon Fuller are you reading this) is smart, those will be our results.

As for me, I am not ready to let Paula go for another season. She's just started to mix her meds again!

Nice recap flipit and very very fast!

fire@will:

Great - and quick - recap!

I predict: Paula's bizarre comments will be the hilight of a "Best of Paula's Moments" special.

I thought Jason and Brooke did the worst. I rated Syesha at or near the top, but agree that, especially considering last (bizarro) week, she may be leaving.

(I also predict Syesha will be featured on Broadway by this time next year.)

Thanks... (and try to cut down on the hot dogs).

mrsc:

Thanks for the great (and so fast!) recap!

OK, anyone else rewind their tivo's after Paula said the part about the 2nd song? I owed MrC. big apologies for accusing him of hitting the fast forward button and missing everyone's 2nd performance. I should of known... it was coming from Paula... no 2nd song for everyone else, just in her mind. It is what it is!

(Not a fetus fan)and thought he sang those 2 songs like a star search star and NeilDiamond sung them way better.

cattyfan:

mrsc...I, too, am no fan of The Fetus. His voice even cracked at one point last night, but no matter. Just love for him.

By the way, in our house he's known as Curious George.

juddfan:

Thanks Flip it for this nuclear fast recap!!!

Mr. Diamond, no one can dispute your legacy as an entertainer, but "Forever in Blue Jeans" is a novelty song, Morn is not a word, unless your Keats, and "Coming to America" is haunting my brain and you're to blame!!!!! Gee Thanks . . .

I don't really care about Paula gate, but damn woman, whatever it is it must be good!

Loved the BF in the audience pouty over song choice--you're too funny!!!!

Whoever goes, may it be another shocker!

MissAng:

If Paula's mistaken belief that Castro had already performed two songs can be viewed as evidence that she watches rehearsal and makes notes ahead of time, then I am even more disturbed than if I thought she just imagined the performance. Seriously, if she plans those nonsensical monologues of hers - that is scary.

killbondnow:

Brooke blew it for me (no duh) with her 'variation' -- how stupid was that, putting in Arizona instead of NY when the lyric is about having been from 'shore to shore.' What shore was that, the AZ side of Lake Havasu with a beer bong? Idiot.

molo:

First off, Flipit - your recaps are incredible!! Seriously, I don't remember how I ever enjoyed Idol without them..

Even Paula herself knew she was out of her element when she warned us it was really hard when they had to "write things down". Totally understandable, writing is tricky. I found it especially funny how everyone - randy, ryan, simon, contestants - just let her stumble through her entire made up opinion on Castro's undelivered second song before making her aware of her stupidity..
But maybe we should cut her some slack. As she said, it's "hard!!" to follow the rules of a show as complicated as idol, especially when you've been doing it for seven years... And when you've got five whole contestants to keep track of, how are you expected to remember if it was Jason again or David Cook? At least 13 minutes had passed by the time she had to talk - surely she can't be expected to retain information for that long?

As for the Fetus - is it only me who can't stand him??? Sure, he's talented - but he seems just like a puppet programmed to sing, and when he's not singing he's giggling and panting like a puppy, and besides the giggling and the panting - there's no personality!! Ugh, I'm tired of him.
And he DOES look a bit like Curious George :)

As for Brooke... She had her bags all packed last week, but a miracle saved her so she comes back and sings... I'm a believer?
Really? Really? Really????????????
HOW has this girl reached the top 5?? Does anyone remember girls who used to be in the top 5? Melinda? Lakisha? Paris Benett? Ppl who could actually SING????

Speaking of which, I really feel for Sayesha, who works her butt off every week and really really TRIES hard, and doesn't choose stupid songs (yes i'm looking at u blondie), and gives terrific performances, in which she actually showcases her singing abilities, and yet she'll prob go home cuz she doesn't rank high enough in the popularity contest...

Jason's fading, but in a way I'm enjoying it cuz flipit - ur commentaries are hilarious! Keep up the fantastic work!!

Lime23:

LOLOLOLOL, Flipit!

I refuse to believe even Neil can make Neil's songs tolerable. Refuse!

Very funny recap. Not watching the actual show (yet?), but since I so miss Flipit, thought I'd read the recap anyway.

Ciao!

rjfrankel:

Great (and unbelievably fast) recap!

So glad someone else mentioned the 'cool church' thing with regard to David A. I said mega-Church - same thing. (no?) He has a beautiful instrument (as Paula said to David C last week), but his whole overly earnest thing bugs me now. I also HATED Coming to America -- because it was written for the remake of the Jazz Singer, and is about IMMIGRANTS COMING TO AMERICA (specifically eastern European Jewish immigrants in the movie).

But FYI: that "My Country Tis of Thee" interlude was part of Neil Diamond's original recording for the Jazz Singer record, which I owned as a youngster.

Also: I am a huge fan of Jason, but I think he has run his course on the show. He isn't versatile or strong enough. I enjoy his voice on the downloads I have from iTunes, but he isn't the "American Idol". Despite my odd obsession with him.

The problem with Syesha isn't talent, it's that she doesn't know the limits of her talent. She thinks when Simon says you are an actress/singer, he is saying "And you could win", when in reality, he is saying, "You haven't got a shot in hell of winning this, but go star on Broadway and I'll come to opening night." That's what bugs me about her.

rjfrankel:

My mother thinks that Brooke 'needs to go', but my mom's musical ear is best evidenced by this anecdote: Neil Diamond & his first wife used to double date with my parents (my mom was friendly with her) (the last they saw of him was at their wedding 45 years ago). The friend sang my mom Neil's songs (clearly, prior to any success), and my mom wasn't impressed and thought he was a bum since he dropped out of college -- and he was short and had pimples. So, maybe Brooke is better than I think she is? :)

As for Coming to America, that "My Country Tis of THee" is in the middle of Neil Diamond's recording of the song in the Jazz Singer album - he wrote it for the movie. The whole thing burns me, though, because of COURSE this is a song about immigration, in this case, eastern European Jewish immigration. David A has no idea what this song is about -- and he didn't know what Sweet Caroline was about, either. It was a love song, for goodness sakes! You say 'cool church', I say 'mega church' -- same diff, this kid has a beatiful 'instrument' (to use Paula's terminology to David C), but should sing at a mega church.

As for Syesha, my problem with her is that she doesn't know her limitations. She is beautiful, and her voice has a beautiful tone. But she thinks when Simon says she is an 'actress/singer' he is telling her, "You are the next American Idol", instead of "You aren't the type of singer who will win this competition, but I'll come watch you on Broadway". She doesn't understand what she is great at and what she shouldn't do. That's why I want her to go.

Bloodbath:

Hehe, I hate Brooke. On her first song she made the exact face I make while trying to act like a retard.

I'd like to tie her up and force her to watch a marathon of the most brutal films i've seen, then bash her in the head with her stupid little guitar.

sweetiedarlng:

OMFG, I was laughing so hard, first at the Paula gargling pic caption, then at the Brooke, skin-pulling caption. You should get paid BANK for this! A big THANX for making my night!

rjfrankel:

My mother thinks that Brooke 'needs to go', but my mom's musical ear is best evidenced by this anecdote: Neil Diamond & his first wife used to double date with my parents (my mom was friendly with her) (the last they saw of him was at their wedding 45 years ago). The friend sang my mom Neil's songs (clearly, prior to any success), and my mom wasn't impressed and thought he was a bum since he dropped out of college -- and he was short and had pimples. So, maybe Brooke is better than I think she is? :)

As for Coming to America, that "My Country Tis of THee" is in the middle of Neil Diamond's recording of the song in the Jazz Singer album - he wrote it for the movie. The whole thing burns me, though, because of COURSE this is a song about immigration, in this case, eastern European Jewish immigration. David A has no idea what this song is about -- and he didn't know what Sweet Caroline was about, either. It was a love song, for goodness sakes! You say 'cool church', I say 'mega church' -- same diff, this kid has a beatiful 'instrument' (to use Paula's terminology to David C), but should sing at a mega church.

As for Syesha, my problem with her is that she doesn't know her limitations. She is beautiful, and her voice has a beautiful tone. But she thinks when Simon says she is an 'actress/singer' he is telling her, "You are the next American Idol", instead of "You aren't the type of singer who will win this competition, but I'll come watch you on Broadway". She doesn't understand what she is great at and what she shouldn't do. That's why I want her to go.

Me, I'm sort of oddly and embarassingly obsessed with Jason. His voice isn't trained and he needs to learn some breath work and phrasing, but on my iPod, he sounds great. I even downloaded Forever in Blue Jeans - sounds great. Although I do think he is at the end of his Idol run, and will go home tonight or next week.

rjfrankel:

OH NO - I triple posted -- because I waited 3 hours to repost when it wasn't showing up! I just figured when it said it had failed it was right this time! I am so sorry!

mrsc:

Thats ok rjfrankel- I enjoyed reading your posts every time. And how cool is that that you are one degree of seperation from MrNeilDiamond?!

rjfrankel:

Yes, mrsc, one degree of separation from Neil Diamond is my family's claim to fame! Thanks for understanding about the posting problem.

MissAng:

I don't even think Simon actually likes the Fetus. He just sees him as a little mindless emotionless cash cow. Simon knows that 'tweens will buy that CD without a second thought. Oh, and the Fetus's surprised face that he was safe last night - whatever. I am not buying it.

Donna Martin Graduates!:

My only comment on this show (besides Neil Diamond = The "Jazz" Singer -- yeah, in what universe?!?!!?) is that I do think it was quite gracious of Mr. Diamond (not his real name - oh, I just checked and it actually is...) to let Loser Brooke change the lyric to make it more personal to sing (killbondnow's legitimate criticism notwithstanding).

funny recap, Flip - thanx.

Yeah, who hired Paula? How the hell did she ever get this gig??

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