Tonight, American Idol gets off to a really painful start and Ted Danson is still alive.
Tink welcomes us to another season of American Idol, as if this shit hasn't already been going on for like twenty hours this year. He's wearing a sweater and open shirt. Where's the tie? Where's the shiny gelled hair? I know the plan was to change it up this year, but leave Tink alone. He's starting to look like Ellen DeGeneres.
I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.' AMIRIGHT?!?
Tink jokes that the judges table is starting to look like The View with all those saggy boobs. Joy Behar wishes she was this hot.
He welcomes Skara DeLaGuardia to the table and then says hi to Paula, who's dressed like she just robbed a boutique in Little Armenia. She would say hi, but she's busy doing a puppet show for herself.
You're a gift.
You are!
And last but not least, lets welcome home Simon Cowell, who's been away for months working on his own personal multi-million dollar bailout.
Your secret's safe with me!
Tink asks Randy now that they're onto the live performance rounds what the singers should be focusing on. Good question! Well, they could study up and further their education so that they can get degrees and better the world, or they can just take the stage and suck less than the people around them. Randy mumbles dawgs and wha?s out for a couple minutes, but when I put his answer into Google Translate, all I came up with was "sing good scooby doo my little pony obama". Whatevs, thanks for being here.
Skara says that the most important thing for the kids to remember tonight is to be themselves, as long as they're not ugly or boring or too talented to make it on their own. Paula mutters that it's "a tough kinda season this year" and if the kids don't make magic in a minute and a half then look to the left, look to the right, and then stop drop and roll. Then she closes one eye and goes back to her puppet show.
Simon says that this year is different because there are no second chances and only three people are going through to the next round, then the top twelve will be rounded out by three more contestants on wild card night. Only three? Harsh! I likey! Then Simon compliments Tink's new hair color and says he's trying to Single White Female him. That explains Tink's stuffed saggy training bra.
The theme tonight is any song from Billboard's Top 100 of any time period. Jackie Tohn's up first. Her backstory is that she's an entertainer for a living. That's not very specific, which means she's either a stripper or a clown at kid's birthday parties. I'm going with both.
She's singing "A Little Less Conversation" by the Elv. She starts it off slow and it sounds pretty awesome, but then she speeds it up (not enough) and tries really hard. She gets a little goofy and starts dancing, and it's uncomfortable. Then she runs out of breath. She's also dressed like the new Barry Manilow, which doesn't help. That kinda sucked it.
She said in her intro that her goal was to get Paula to dance, which happened. And that's really really tough to do.
Who told Paula it was time for a bathroom break?
Randy tells her that her vocals weren't all that but she's a good entertainer. That's the theme of the season. Skara is nice and tells her she has a big personality and an even bigger mouth. Skara compliments her hideous trousers and she thanks Randy for loaning them to her. LOL. Paula says everyone fell in love with her (?) and Simon says she has a good voice but she acted like a clown. The audience boos him and he says that by acting like a jackass tonight, America's gonna boot her. Oh, and hate the pants.
« Ugly Betty: Papi Gets Some Hot Action! Aye Caramba! | Main | Grey's Anatomy: The Gang's All Here »
Comments (17)
OMG Flipit you are comic genius! Thanks for the laughs, you nailed them all, even L-gokey the carpet cleaning cult recruiter. I want Tati to win in the wild card slot, she makes the show. I loved Simon's SWF reference.
1 of 17 | Posted by soapboxx | Posted on February 18, 2009 8:29 PM
Flipit, goddamn it. Your recaps are two shades of awesome.
Tati will return...there's no way the producers will allow that much crazy to not to pull in huge ratings and top billing on all the watercooler shows.
2 of 17 | Posted by snarky | Posted on February 18, 2009 8:31 PM
Flipit, this was the perfect end to my day. Paula's puppet show? hahahahahaha I almost peed my pants. (ok, I did pee them, but don't tell anyone)
And if I ever turn out to be a psycho mass murderer, I am blaming it on the Tati montage - disturbing and hilarious all rolled into one!!
You are truly the master! LOVE!
SWAK, PottyMouth
3 of 17 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on February 18, 2009 8:34 PM
Brilliant, as always, Flipit!!! The screen shots of TatiDrama w/ the crazies was hilarious!
Danny and Alexis totally deserved their spots. I just hate the way some contestants get an advantage because the producers took a liking to them during the audition rounds. Ricky Braddy totally got the shaft, and he might have been the best performance from this group. Definitely better than Michael Sarver, that's for sure. Here's hoping he gets a Wild Card!
4 of 17 | Posted by slumrville | Posted on February 18, 2009 8:47 PM
I'm guessing Ricky, Tatiana, and Anoop will all be back for the Wild Card show...Ricky because he has talent, Anoop because he's likable, and Tati because crazy is ratings gold.
Big Hair seems to have a Rachel Bilson complex...and what she did to the Police pained me. And I don't think Fowler should have made it this far. If you forget the words - twice - you should be sent home. Or popssibly drawn and quartered. I'm also glad the producer plants (like Jackie and Brian) are getting weeded out. Hopefully that trend will continue next week (**cough**Adam**cough**)
I've been rooting for Danny from his first audition. His voice is different, he actually has talent, and his singing seems effortless (unlike, say...Jackie's.) Plus he's from Wisconsin. Join Team Cheese Curds...Vote for Danny! ;)
5 of 17 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on February 18, 2009 10:51 PM
I now understand the legend that is Flipit.
Painful to watch this show, but worth it just for the recap...
I hate the choirmaster, even though he seems to be the pre-ordained Chosen One this season. What a boring douchebag. Decent voice--but he's just imitating everyone else. His GFF sings much better.
Me likey the slutty ho mom. Hope she sticks and around and, yeah, shows more and more skin.
6 of 17 | Posted by itchy | Posted on February 19, 2009 12:52 AM
After our talk about this recap, you know I had to read it! Pretty funny there, Mr. Flip. I guess I will concede that your recap turned out much better than mine. :p Though mine only took 2 minutes!
7 of 17 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on February 19, 2009 3:32 AM
At the risk of gettin' stuff thrown at me and in the interests of full disclosure, I have to say that I am all the way on the FauxHawk Widower train...I'll drive it, push it, serve drinks, punch tickets and shovel the coal...LOVE HIM!!
Once again...not easy to look professional reading a HIlarious recap by Mr. FlipIt. Thankfully, I have a head cold so kept retreating into fake coughing to cover up the giggles and sniffles and tears. :)
Best part for me? I watched the whole show, silently congratulating Paula on being sober and coherent and then you caught EVERY SINGLE MOMENT of crazy from her and all that I can think is that I gotta watch more carefully. Every single Paula comment made me weep.
Thank you for a lovely start to a medicine head day!
8 of 17 | Posted by kimbubbly | Posted on February 19, 2009 6:05 AM
I have to say, I thought Randy was far more incoherent than Paula.
9 of 17 | Posted by itchy | Posted on February 19, 2009 6:25 AM
This first performance show was pretty disappointing. And I thought Group 1 was stacked with all the best talent...
I was so bummed Fowler chose some lame MJ song when he could have really impressed if he had played piano and sang something more soulful, like a John Legend song. What a waste. I love his voice.
Surprisingly, I thought Tatiana had the best vocal among the girls. Alexis was trying waaaay too hard. She looked like she was wearing a costume. She wants to look "edgy" so she slaps on red lipstick, puts pink streaks in her hair and wears lingerie on stage?
And the pimping of Choirboy Widower was over the top, even for Idol. I think he has a nice voice but I'm already starting to hate him. Paula calling him the redeemer? wtf?
10 of 17 | Posted by BRaps | Posted on February 19, 2009 6:43 AM
This is why I love TVgasm....I can fall asleep after the 2nd performance of the night and spend my time being in my happy place instead of actually having to watch the pain unfolding. Then I can read and laugh and laugh.
Flipit, you are the best.
11 of 17 | Posted by dominono | Posted on February 19, 2009 8:13 AM
FlipIt: You. Kill. Me. Hysterical recap. I don't quite get why some of my Gasm brethren always hate the guy who is just a likeable humble singer guy, like Downey, Jr. His BFF Jamar must have died many deaths listening to horrible performance after horrible performance in the glow of Ted Danson's spray-on hair. HATE!
Itchy: slutty-ho-mom? Waaa-hahahaha! The worst part is she looked wholesome before the judges got to her.
I admit that Tati is crazier than a shit-house rat, but I would venture that if anyone ever made a montage of any one of our laughs, we'd all look a little loopy. She came to the show with her own can of crazy, but the producers really ran with it.
One more thing: Since when was Adam Lambert a producer plant? I think that if nobody outside the dinner theater in which you work knows who you are, you are NOT a producer plant (although it is a little unfair when you get monster face-time. Poor Ricky Braddy is one of the best vocalists, and it's like he just appeared out of nowhere).
12 of 17 | Posted by Timberwolf | Posted on February 19, 2009 8:20 AM
FlipIt,
Thank you for the recap, it was awesome as always but the best was "have an eggroll Mr. Goldstone" You made me snort with that one!
Now I am singing "let me entertain you"
13 of 17 | Posted by dwnie | Posted on February 19, 2009 8:51 AM
Well, she had a kid at 19. Presumably she'd practiced up a bit before that...
Man, I love how these people enter our lives just so we can shred 'em to bits.
14 of 17 | Posted by itchy | Posted on February 19, 2009 11:01 AM
You are a gift, you are a gift--No Flip, you are a gift, and the beard caption, too hysterical!!!
Well, the hype for Downey was discusting, I hope it doesn't back fire for him, coz me likey his voice--I still think he's top 3 if not the winner, so hopefully they just trust him to get there by singing and not manipulation.
With Homom, I thought, "well, she really took to the make-over" More and more skin-baby, that is some perfect looking white as a ghost skin, just scrumptious. I don't know why they didn't beat her for singing Aretha, but she was aiight, and hot.
I like Tati's singing too, and I hope to hear more, but I guess vote for the worst couldn't get her there this time.
I was a Jackie fan going in, and tho I liked her jabs at Randy's pants, that blew . . . why don't these peeps ever get it, why sing Elv if not forced, why sing anything older than 1990 when you've got almost every song ever written at your finger tips!!! Why not Melissa, or even Janis Joplin, for chrissakes chicky, play to your strength!!!! she could possibly squeek a wild card shot tho, the others were sooooo bad!!!
As for Ricky, he is a great singer, but he is kind of meh, and damn woman, can't you pluck a few brow hairs by hand and break up that chola line . . . . isn't it not supposed to look waxed . . . is it me! Anywhoo, hope he gets another chance.
Travesty to have GBJ Friend in the audience--how can they sleep at night!
15 of 17 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on February 19, 2009 12:06 PM
Loved your SHINNING-LIZA-ATOM BOMB-TATI montage. It was inspired. Very MAN WITH A MOVIE CAMERA. Really.
I wasn't into Ricky Brady's ass as much as you were. It was nice but it wasn't the be all/end all of asses. He was/is a cute guy though.
Anoop deserves a place in the final 12. GO ANOOP. Oil Rigger wasn't singing his best but he's still a cutie. Next time he sings he should sing shirtless. That'll take him to the top 10!
Fan of the song HERO but Fauxhawk sounded like he was shouting -- to me. I'm still on his side but I liked him much more before I knew he was a choirboy.
Was on Jury Duty so late getting to this. Good job Mr. Flipit.
16 of 17 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on February 20, 2009 10:19 AM
VERY funny recap, Flip!
Surprising how many of the singers choked on their big night.
Danny was clearly the best.
17 of 17 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on February 20, 2009 9:59 PM