OK. I have to get this off my chest. Ryan Seacrest is really starting to grow on me. God, that feels better. Sadly, he is not starting to grow, which would definitely help our chances of making it together, and our children getting paid more in adulthood.
But I digress. My new little man greets us from New Orleans, home to Bourbon St., the French Quarter, and the most uncanny smell of dried, day old vomit. Oh, and Snoop Dogg and titties.
This week’s guest judge is Gene Simmons from Kiss, a man who looks remarkably similar to my local shawarma dealer, Mukhtar. I never thought I’d say this, but I really miss the days when Mark McGrath guest judged. At least he was alright to look at.
First up on the chopping block is David Brown, who tells us that singing is where his heart is. For me, it’s always been on top of a dog house. David really gives Randy a run for his money in the “Who has the smoothest, richest, most beautiful chocolately skin?” contest. He lays the track down, singing a gospel tune with everything he’s got. Randy says it’s the best he’s heard. Simon gives him a “100% yes”. Gene Simmons, who has only been on screen for 10 seconds and is already making my skin crawl, tells David he’s going to Hollywood, the same way a child molester would encourage you to get in his van.
We see a little sketch where Seacrest is signing an autograph for a young boy. The boy gets the paper and says “Ryan Seacrest? I thought you were Clay Aiken!” And now that they mention it, I see the resemblance!
The next singer up is Bobby Barfoot, an overweight, afro-ed femme-guy in a rhinestoned button down shirt. Seacrest claims that Bobby is wearing one of his shirts, again making fun of himself, and therefore jumping up a couple of notches on my speeddial.
Bobby is literally a huge fan of American Idol, so much so that he even collects playing cards of all of the past contestants, keeping them organized in a binder. This really brings me back to my youth, when I had a minor obsession with Garbage Pail Kids cards, and would organize my Kitty Litters and Graffiti Peteys organized in the same manner. Then again, I was only 7.
Bobby's method for facing worldwide rejection is unique, as he decides to yodel. Simon pegs him (zing!) by being a cross between a rodeo singer and La Cage Aux Folles. Paula’s circuit boards start hissing and smoking, and she throws an unnecessary fit due to Simon’s attitude. She gives Bobby my favorite criticism by tell him that he needs to change his image. Code for: You’re ugly.
Simon and Paula continue arguing about Bobby’s chops, when they decide to send him behind the screen and sing, so that they can hear him without actually having to look at him. They may as well have pulled out a brown paper grocery bag full of dog dookie and ordered him to put it on his head. He sings, and the panel mocks him. Short story long, byebye Bobby.
Hey everyone! Buckle up! Cause here’s a guy who wants to shake things up at the auditions by being (gulp) weird! Daron Beck is trying to look like Robert Smith from The Cure. Only, something tells me Daron’s band would be called “The Disease.” (Rimshot!) Soulpatch and Vidal Sasson bob aside, Daron wants to be “different” and create music that’s not “disposable.” Daron starts off with one of my ALL-TIME FAVORITE SONGS called “Delilah” by Tom Jones (pausing to throw bra at screen) and -- wait! What is he doing?! He is butchering my favorite song! Download the original if you don’t believe me, along with everything else Tom Jones has ever put out. And trust me, he puts out.
Daron is just all together weird, voice, image, everything. Then -- wait! He breaks out into “I Put A Spell On You”, another top choice for me, and manages to sound like Kathleen Turner getting a colonoscopy. He also contorts his mouth in this altogether horrendous way that brings to mind Robert DeNiro in Awakenings. Daron might as well have waltzed into this room humming the theme to Schindler’s List and pissing on my picture. He has ruined everything sacred to me. Simon tells him he should be wearing ladies underwear and red lipstick and singing in a cabaret somewhere, and it is clear that Simon is realllly into the idea. Daron is out.
Comments (20)
omg wtf, you repeated the first two paragraphs twice!! omg
1 of 20 | Posted by empty | Posted on January 27, 2005 8:45 AM
I love these American Idol Posts.....
Sundeep was indeed a hottie, and also, that lady they interviwed about him was hillarious! "I know nothing about voice"....well, I gues not if you were willing to vouch for that guy's voice.
Who agrees Sundeep should be the next Bachelor! i'd watch! (and I dont even watch that show).
2 of 20 | Posted by chettogirl | Posted on January 27, 2005 8:52 AM
Haha... thanks for bringing it up empty! Indeed, it's my first time using the Moveable Type program, so please, this time, forgive me friend.
3 of 20 | Posted by Michelle | Posted on January 27, 2005 8:56 AM
A couple of comments.
1) Funny recap. Nice work.
2) I though Gene Simmons was the best celebrity judge they have ever had. Paula and Randy are so worthless, at least Simmons was making insightful comments and actually saying no to people like those last two douches.
3) There was nothjing seriously wrong with Leroy. He talks like that becasue he is from Louisiana. I had a friend in college from Louisiana, smart guy, but I couldn't understand a word he was saying for the first couple months I knew him.
4) Simon had the two go individually at the end to see if, in fact, they would make it individually. Remember, it wasn't only up to Simon, Gene Simmons could have sent one of them through as well.
4 of 20 | Posted by josh | Posted on January 27, 2005 8:59 AM
Good points, Josh. I could see where you would like Simmons, but for some reason his manner didn't groove with me.
Also, the episode didn't show the twins singing separately at the end. They just rejudged them separately. And Simmons was totally not into them from the getgo. On second thought, maybe Gene is the best judge they've ever had. ;)
5 of 20 | Posted by Michelle | Posted on January 27, 2005 9:05 AM
THat wasnt just accent. There was something wrong with that dude.
6 of 20 | Posted by chettogirl | Posted on January 27, 2005 9:08 AM
Hot damn! I wish you had bible thick copies of your written genius! I'd quit my job and devote my time to reading them! Then after I was broke and hungry I'd get another job...cest la vie.
I used to watch the show, but don't even bother now because I look forward to your postings! They are WAAAY better than having to watch Paula and her nasty cleavage. Thanks for the goods.
Robert DeNiro in "Awakenings"! aww yeah!
7 of 20 | Posted by Dglaze | Posted on January 27, 2005 10:13 AM
Excellent recap! Umm, some others around here have been lagging as of late, they may to check in on this recap to refresh their memory of what "bringin' da' funny" means.
Good on ya'
8 of 20 | Posted by MaryPimpins | Posted on January 27, 2005 11:25 AM
The gospel song David Brown sang was Sam Cooke's "A Change Is Gonna Come", ranked #12 on Rolling Stones 500 greates songs of all times list.
Luved me sum Sundeep
Have anybody been to New Orlans? My god ur brains leaks creole down thur tryin to undersund dem folks. Luved me sum Leroy too. funny!
youcantmakeitup is fab u lus!
9 of 20 | Posted by American's Next Top Fan | Posted on January 27, 2005 1:53 PM
Does anybody else think that Paula is stoned on every show?
10 of 20 | Posted by corvus13 | Posted on January 27, 2005 2:51 PM
I wish she would get stoned, ala Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery"!
11 of 20 | Posted by Dglaze | Posted on January 27, 2005 2:56 PM
Leroy Wells = (ODB + Flava Flav)/ Lil' Jon and at least an eightball of meth...
This guy is a freakin rock star - he needs his own show ASAP...Can you imagine the adventures his crew gets in on a daily basis?
12 of 20 | Posted by Lanning | Posted on January 27, 2005 3:00 PM
Well apparantly he gets into trouble, there was a story on Access Hollywood about how he is currently in jail from something and it's his 7th arrest.
13 of 20 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie | Posted on January 27, 2005 6:14 PM
Love your recaps. Your snaps crackle off of the computer screen! I never watch this show either, until the last half hour of the last episode so I can see who wins. It's so much less painful and so much more fun to read your recaps. Thanks!
14 of 20 | Posted by joslyn | Posted on January 28, 2005 11:16 AM
Michelle, Against my better judgement, I broke down and watched this episode of "AI", my first. I must say, reading your post-show recap only made it funnier. I'm just so excited to have TWO of your sites in my Favorites now! Wahoo! While channel-surfing this morning I caught a ten-second blip on "Regis and Kelly" about that crazy dude who sang "Baby I Got Your Money" or as he sang it "Weehfidth A Tugheg Paugmc Treifuaz" and they showed his police line-up photo. Guess he 'allegedly' shot someone in the hip. The hip! Your comments, please......
15 of 20 | Posted by Mo | Posted on January 28, 2005 12:54 PM
I could only wish I was a plant. It was more of a whim that drove me to audition. You can read more about it here:
http://poodleface.livejournal.com
16 of 20 | Posted by Robert Solomon | Posted on January 29, 2005 12:38 AM
i think that the malfetta brothers are so0o0o hott i want to get in touch with them asap...they both should have definatley made it throught
17 of 20 | Posted by nicole | Posted on February 2, 2005 6:33 PM
David Brown is gonna be ur next American Idol..mark my words
18 of 20 | Posted by Standford Samuels | Posted on February 13, 2005 6:24 PM
So many things to say about the show. But I'll just say........I love your recap & you have one of the best blogs out there.
19 of 20 | Posted by Genevieve | Posted on February 15, 2005 9:27 AM
I found out how to get a hold of Daron Beck from Denton, Texas....He is on myspace, under Daron Beck...The Pointy Shoe site said his address id pointyshoe@hotmail.com
20 of 20 | Posted by nonya | Posted on February 16, 2005 9:13 PM