Okay, so I have a confession to make: I have never, ever seen an episode of American Idol. I remember when it first came out, and everyone was all, "Oh, did you vote for Kelly or Justin?!" And I tuned into the 1st season finale to see Kelly sing "A Moment Like This." And that was enough for me. That said, I do love me some "Since U Been Gone." I have, though, seen many an American Idol clips on TV. You can't avoid it. Like a cold sore. All right. On with the glorified karaoke cultural phenomenon that is American Idol!

Ryan Seacrest voice-overs that throughout the years, American Idol has held auditions in exotic locales like New York, Chicago (holla!), Los Angeles, Las Vegas. We see famous buildings and crap in these cities. But now we're headed to Omaha! Land of . . . land, apparently. Corn and stuff like that. Then we're treated to a crop circle that says, "Welcome to Omaha American Idol." So, apparently this show has galactic appeal. I'm sure Lrr of Omicron Persei 8 is watching right now with a can of Slurm soda.

Those Earthlings sound like total crap.

Opening credits. Stupid techno music, bright shiny light graphic thingies, some crowd cheering. The opening seriously looks like Space Mountain, and like Space Mountain, I'm sure I'll be disappointed at the end: "Really? That's all there was? Isn't this supposed to be, I don't know, fun?" Corny country music plays as Seacrest says Omaha is famous for corn. Ten thousand people (i.e. the entire population of Nebraska) showed up for auditions. Randy and Simon walk down a hallway talk about corn. There's more to Nebraska, you guys! Like . . . wheat, maybe? Oh no! Paula's "plane is delayed." Uh huh. I can smell p.r. spin from miles away. "Plane is delayed" = "too hung over to function today." Awkwardness ensues as Simon and Randy are left to themselves.

But even if Paula isn't there, 25-year-old Chris soothes the pain with his rendition of "Cold-Hearted Snake." Look into his eyes. Uh-oh - he's been tellin' lies. Chris has waited for 7 years for this and it's the greatest moment of his life blah blah blah. He comes into the audition room with gifts - a stuffed animal for Randy and a t-shirt for Simon. Then he brings out the creepiness - a flipbook album with pictures of himself with Kelly Clarkson. Like 7 pictures. Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this, Chris, so don't eff it up.

Oh lord, he starts to cry when he's talking about auditioning. Simon is being nice to him, which confuses me, because I thought he was supposed to all British and mean in his tight sweater shirts that make me think shameful thoughts. You know, if he didn't have a British accent, I wouldn't be thinking that he's kind of hot. I call that the Giles Syndrome. Chris is of course singing "Since U Been Gone." And when I say, "singing," I really mean, "making me throw up in my mouth a little." He does a handstand to impress Randy and Simon - it doesn't work. Awww, Simon says his singing sucks, but both he and Randy think he's a nice guy. Chris is a nice guy, I'll agree with that. Now he's auditioning for the red carpet thingy. Ohmigod y'all! He gets to report on the red carpet for Fox 42 in Omaha! Yay for Chris. What a little cutie. He heads down the escalator with his grandma and dad and . . . dude, are they holding auditions in O'Hare airport? Because that's what it looks like. Chris tells us goodbye. Aw, poor Chris's Grandma. I don't think she's 100% comfortable with Chris's flamboyance. Get over it, Grandma! Next.

I don't know that girl.

American Idol is brought to you by AT&T, the company that provides cell phone service on every block of Chicago except the one I freaking live on. Hey, an Olive Garden commercial. Reminds me of the time I went to Waco to visit friends with my friend Jen, and we were all, "Take us to the best restaurant in Waco." Where did they take us? To the Olive Garden. And we're back to Omaha.

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Posted in American Idol by Hypnotoad at 2:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)
Last Comment: glover47 on Feb 5, 2008 09:37 AM.