Testimonials

Paula's "plane" is still "delayed." We're introduced to Jason, who is 21 and from a small town in Iowa. I say he's going to the finals because we see a clip of him playing the guitar on someone's front porch. If American Idol cares enough to follow him around and place him in a gray tank top (Jason has nice arms) on some random porch, then we better see more of him. Or else I will be pissed. He walks through a cornfield. Or a wheat field. Maybe it's milo. I don't care. Jason walks into the audition room to sing Keith Whitley's "When You Say Nothing At All." He forgets the lyrics not once but twice. Oh, I am sweating from the drama and tension. Except not. He starts and stops a third time. After more support from Randy and Simon (boring), he finally gets it right. Simon says Jason needs to get over his nervousness, but he's in because he's got a pretty good voice. Jason's going to Hollywood. What a shocker.

Blockhead.

Paula finally shows up, and no one makes a big deal out of it. Thrilling, thrilling stuff, this episode. Where are the William Hungs? Where are the psychos? I would think that American Idol would start right in on the crazies. We're treated to a montage of people who forgot the lyrics to songs. Afterwards, Seacrest voice-overs that what the judges need now is a burst of energy. Thank you! A blonde chick named Rachel arm-wrestles people in the hotel lobby, finally challenging Seacrest. Mmmmm . . . Seacrest has yummy arms. Too bad he's like a male Paris Hilton without the fortune - he's famous but no one's really quite sure why. I'd do him, though. Just saying.

Anyway, we never get to find out who wins, which means it was probably Rachel. Rachel walks into the audition room and says she wants to arm-wrestle Simon. Simon says no. And right before I can say, "Yeah, because Rachel would probably win," Simon says the exact same thing, except with a much better British accent. Isn't Paula Abdul supposed to be all loopy and crazy? All I've heard about is how she's effing weird and Simon is a meanie. Am I watching the right show, or is this Parallel Universe Idol where Paula is sane, Simon is nice, and Randy is interesting? Actually, Parallel Universe Randy is just like regular Randy - as interesting and flavorful as plain tofu. Oh Show - you disappoint me so.

Rachel sings part of a song by Lee Ann Womack that none of the judges probably know. She actually has a pretty good voice. Simon thinks she sounds too old or something, so she can't go to Hollywood. Randy says she's in. Paula says that Rachel is in as well and does this weird bendy thing over the table and gives us a pretty scary smile. Finally! Some wacky Abduletry! She better speak in tongues by the end of this episode or I'm done. Rachel's going to California, where she will lose early on in the show, then become a homeless person in L.A. until some manager sees her arm-wrestling hoboes for money, wherein he will groom her to become the Arm Wrestling Champion of the World! Like that Stallone movie, Over the Top, except without Ricky Schroeder and that lame-yet-awesome Kenny Loggins theme song. Rachel and Paula arm-wrestle. That sounds entertaining, but it's actually not, dammit. Next.

Sorry, we're only taking people with lazy eye. Oh wait, congrats you're in!

An Apple commercial plays with a song that I think is by that Kate Nash girl who is all over MTV, causing my roommate to say, "Who the hell IS that girl?" whenever she sees her. Welcome back to Omaha, bitches. Some guy screams as he plays a guitar outside the convention center. Can we get Paula to translate, please? I'm sure she's a Freak Whisperer.

We're introduced to Sarah who is dressed in leather and used to be a professional wrestler. She used to have this wrestling persona with a maniacal laugh and a fake British accent that makes Britney Spears and Madonna seem like members of the Royal Family. Other than that, she's perfectly normal, and I think she's going to make it all the way. To the parking lot. After she's rejected. By the judges. Sarah does something I'm sure everyone has wanted to do at one time or another - she whacks the crap out of Seacrest. Somewhere, Brian Dunkleman is watching this and yelling at the TV: "Finish him off! Finish him!" before slumping back onto his parent's couch and crying into his bag of Cheetos.

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Posted in American Idol by Hypnotoad at 2:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)
Last Comment: glover47 on Feb 5, 2008 09:37 AM.