Seven's a lucky number. It's also a movie so sick it makes you wonder if the end is near. I sense a theme! This. Is American Idol 7!
Chris Daughtry said in a Rolling Stone interview published this week that the show that spawned him is "slipping" because so much time is devoted to the sucky no talents. He feels that the world would take the show more seriously if the show took itself more seriously. Really? Because you seem to be taking yourself pretty seriously and I laugh my ass off every time I think about you rolling all over a Ford in plastic chains lip synching to a synthesized muzak version of a classic rock song. Shut up, Chris Daughtry.
Then yesterday morning, as I tried to peacefully make love to a Little Caesar's five dollar pepperoni pizza, the hags on The View were bitching about AI. Elizabeth was just mortified that some white trash poor person spread her ass cheeks (through her dirty jeans) at the camera on tonight's episode when, for what couldn't possibly been the first time, the girl was told that she had no talent. LOL. The show is vulgar and plebian, and THAT"S WHY WE LOVE IT!! Isn't it the same reason we watch The View? You can shut up too, Hasseldreck.
So I guess my point is for you, the Americans who have been standing around the watercooler (or in line to buy vodka at the Russian deli) yapping about the sad decline of American Idol: can we collectively cut the crap and just admit that human beings are animals and always have been and we like the taste we get in our mouths when dissilusionment, public humilation and despair fall upon people we don't know? Say whatever you want to. The reason we all come back year after year is...
Quality.
Tinkerbell, in an adorable plaid straight guy shirt, flies through a series of clips emphazing the giant audition turnouts around the country and lands to a packed stadium in Philadephia, where every delusional no talent in a three hundred mile radius huddles together to "woo!" as they wait their turns, each one thinking they might be the next Ruben Studdard. Sorry, guys. JHud already did that. You'll have to pick a new dream. They pull back on the stadium and woah, that's a whole lotta desperation. We get the usual quick flashing montage of hundreds of closeups, and the view of humanity is, as usual, horrifying.
It would never ever be ok to bomb a stadium, but if it was gonna happen, now's the time.
One of the saddest shots for me personally was the chubby Indian boy in the gold glitter dance recital jacket who insisted we'll never meet anyone as cool as him. Poor little fella. I hope to God his mother doesn't let him wear that thing to school. I've been there, and it hurt.
And then we get to this sweet girl, who wants to win because...? She wants is to find her real family! WTF? No one here has the other other half of your tinfoil locket, hon. Catch the bus before sundown or Miss Hannigan will realize you've escaped and abuse and torture your little friends.
Oprah's Big Give doesn't start til March, whiney pants.
First to audition is Joey Catalano, who has recently lost ten thousand pounds and bought way cuter glasses. He tells us that he looked at himself in the mirror when he woke up this morning and said "wow." Me too! Paula, who is sporting a "my hair is pulled back and slicked which means I'm smarter and more mature now please forget you ever saw Hey, Paula! and try to take me seriously" do, immediately brings up Joey's weight. Then she and Randy give a couple half assed "woos", probably suspecting (as I do) that they're sitting in front of a two time Biggest Loser. We are all wrong. He nails it. He has a big, smoky tenor, and all three judges love it. Simon is a bit worried about, well "YOU", but he digs the voice and Philadelphia is off to a good start.
Rome wasn't filmed in a day, Simon. Give the boy some time to adjust.
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Comments (15)
As funny and weird as some of these people are, I have to admit that Philly wasn't the funniest group of people. I don't know what it was, but most of the people only made me chuckle or kinda laugh. I think maybe because I've been watching since season 3, and you know what to expect : the same costume dressing and/or off-key losers every season who think they're the next big thing. Some of them aren't necessarily funny as obnoxious, especially Princess Leia, and you just want to tell them "You can't sing! Get over it."
The only one who was really hilarious to me was the Paula-stalker guy. "If she were Good Times, i'd Jimmy Walker." Angela, the girl with the sick daughter, did touch me though & I'm glad she was a good singer, because I liked her & was touched by her story & wanted to see her make it through.
It was still entertaining though, but I'm hoping the other cities will be better.
1 of 15 | Posted by hollabackboy | Posted on January 17, 2008 5:45 PM
Where do they find these people year after year? And seriously what's up with Simon? Is he taking Paula's meds? Cause Paula sure ain't taking them because she seems sober! I don't like that. I want mean Simon and blitzed Paula.
Thanks for making these people even more comical flipit!
2 of 15 | Posted by CheriesTake | Posted on January 17, 2008 6:21 PM
"Simon says that it's amazing how Americans have the ability to be happy for their friends when they get good news. LOL. Don't worry, we're also happy when our friends get bad news. We just like news."
major lulz.
3 of 15 | Posted by trey | Posted on January 17, 2008 7:26 PM
I have a theory about why some of the people think they sound great, when they obviously sound terrible. It isn't their fault. They aren't (always) stupid. They are just tone deaf. So what they are hearing when they sing sounds exactly like what they hear when they listen to Whitney Dallas (or whoever). Maybe their families have the same problem, so they don't warn them off from going public with their 'talent'.
4 of 15 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on January 17, 2008 8:19 PM
The Stalker guy was possibly the creepist/funniest guy of all time. And I really loved that "No Sex Allowed" Song.
I actually didn't think that Alexis girl was all that bad. Sure, she was a complete loon, but her voice was definitely Janis Joplin-esque. They still would have never put her through though - they like weird, not bonkers.
5 of 15 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on January 17, 2008 9:26 PM
Okay, Flipit. That recap was one of the funniest f*cking things I have read in a long time. It's 2:30am and my bf is asleep in the next room. I had to put my face in a pillow at least five times to stifle the sound. The screengrabs were the best. "Please God don't ever let her get me alone" Classic.
And why did Alexis open her cheeks? That was a bit much. Did we need that? We understood what she meant when she told him to do it. We didn't need her to act it out.
6 of 15 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on January 17, 2008 11:25 PM
Solid recap but I'm disappointed you didn't catch the similarities between the Star Wars chick and Dan from Gossip Girl. They're practically twins.
7 of 15 | Posted by RugDoctor9 | Posted on January 18, 2008 5:04 AM
RugDoctor-I've never seen Gossip Girl but I immediately thought that the Leia girl looked like the dreamy slavic girl from Dodgeball. Can't remember her name.......
8 of 15 | Posted by peanut | Posted on January 18, 2008 7:46 AM
The recap was brilliant (as usual) but I have to agree with hollabackboy (#1). The freaks weren't as freaky this season. Of course I got a good laugh at the Let My People Go guy, and Alexis, who thought "Allentown" was a Bon Jovi song. Otherwise, it was kind of obvious the people were trying to make jackasses of themselves, like the stalker song guy or the chest wax guy.
9 of 15 | Posted by greeneyes | Posted on January 18, 2008 7:54 AM
Alexis looked more like a crazy Tracy Ullman character than Willem Defoe.
Good luck on the actressing/veterinarian studies!
10 of 15 | Posted by foxbasealpha | Posted on January 18, 2008 8:51 AM
Peanut-I believe you are thinking of Missy Pyle.
11 of 15 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on January 18, 2008 9:23 AM
Yes, yes, yes! Thanks, wintersux, now I can waste some time when I should be studying doing some googling instead. Much appreciated.
12 of 15 | Posted by peanut | Posted on January 18, 2008 9:45 AM
And we're off! Good to have you back Flip, and glad you're spreading the love--can't wait for you and Tvo to go at it!!!
Ps. That guy in the leopard skin vest wouldn't be singing "No Sex Allowed" if I'd gotten to him first!!!
Also, hm, having been waxed once or twice in my life, I find it hard to believe that guy wasn't bleeding out when he returned . . .
I really liked the voice of the first guy, tho he's a tad awkward singing, I'm hoping he's the Elliott, as I want to hear him sing more. Liked the horse girl too--great confidence on the good ones this season so far--can't wait for Hollywood week!
13 of 15 | Posted by judddfan | Posted on January 18, 2008 11:19 AM
I find American Idol painful and sad and yet, I watch it like it's the first moon landing. The really bad singers never usually have family waiting for them, except for maybe the one crazy aunt who is just too nice to tell the truth. I picture the losers going home to a little roach-infested apartment to contemplate suicide because they truly truly don't have anyone to tell them that they suck and on top of that, they truly think they sound fantabulous. My kids make fun of me because I get all ferklempt on their behalf! I don't think they can top the elderly gentleman from last season who auditioned as a tribute to his late wife who enjoyed American Idol in her dying days. Remember him?
Awwww...poor Yucca. When he said he said he'd love his girl from her hair to her nipple, he was pointing to his toes. Now I want to know how close the words for "nipple" and "toes" are in his language. They must be pretty similar!
I want the formerly fat guy to do well. His voice was awesome!
14 of 15 | Posted by TheVoiceOfReason | Posted on January 18, 2008 4:59 PM
I'm with you VOR--on the 200lbs less guy--so far at least--and I'm sorry to confess, but the minute Temptress opened her mouth to sing, the tears burst from my eyes, I hate that they can get to me . . . or she is just so dear . . . "sniff" whatever . . .
15 of 15 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on January 18, 2008 6:03 PM